Writing Feedback / Companies Should Recruit People Who are Able to Work in Team and Dutiful [2]

Anna, I can see that your writing is getting better. I do really like the way you elaborate your ideas coherently. Yet, I can still notice some rooms for improvements. In relation to Lexical Resource, if you want to attain band 6 or above, you are suggested to use "less common vocabulary". When you take a closer look at your essay and proofread it several times, it is noticeable that the level of words that you use is still ranging from basic to intermediate. There are six stages of vocabulary such as, A1, A2 (basic), B1, B2,(intermediate) C1, C2 (advanced) according to Cambridge English dictionary online. For instance, in this essay, mentioning "good" (A1 level of word) five times cannot improve your score in terms of Lexical Resource. It is more likely that you can only reach 5.0 due to that problem. Therefore, my suggestion is that you just need to alter the frequent usage of "good" into several alternative vocabularies such as, outstanding/remarkable/valuable to improve your lexical resource score. It might look simple but this is one of the essential categories in assessing an IELTS essay.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Is it true that being innovative and independent gives you a better chance to get an awesome job? [2]

Ivan,
Here's my analysis towards your IELTS task 2 essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- In this paragraph, I suggest you to minimize the usage of first person point of view. It is not entirely wrong to use first person point of view, but I might say that if you over-use them, the format of your essay will be less academic. You are suggested to use first person point of view only when you want to argue about certain topic or deliver a statement/argument. In this case, "In my own perspective,.." is okay, but "when 'we' are going to be..., 'we' are often..." somehow is inappropriate. Try to switch them become "people (if it is a general idea) / some people (if it has two possible sides).

2nd paragraph:
- Then, I can notice that in this paragraph, you accidentally forgot to give a clear reason why your idea is preferable. Remember that you need to fully support your idea if you want to reach band 6 or above. An idea that is not sufficiently developed is one of the criteria of band 5 in terms of Task Response. Also, you are suggested to mind your vocabulary usage. For instance, resolve and solve are different. Prefix Re- means that it shows a "repetition" of a particular activity. Therefore, solve = simply solve the problem while re-solve = solve the problem for a second time. It might look simple but this is one of the essential criteria in Lexical Resource.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / TASK 2 - INNOVATIVE & INDEPENDENT WORKERS vs TEAM WORK & INSTRUCTIONAL EMPLOYER [2]

Faiz,

- ...and able to do task alone, the others are more keen on selectingtheworkers that have skillful teamwork evenand like to work based on the instructions.

- In my opinion, (comma needed) both [...] because they have muchmany job taskS that some of itthemsolely can solely be done by...

- To begin with, (comma needed) Innovative and Independently employers , these advantages are ultimately suitable for...
- As we know thatThese days, competition in business field is really thoughtough , so the industries...
- It will be easilyeasy to realize that, if the companies have workers that has enormousgreat("enormous" can't be collocated with "creativity") creativity even canand able to work lonelyalone , and because...

Overall, it seems to me that you cannot pick the appropriate diction that is suitable for certain words. Try to consider the above-mentioned feedback in order to learn more about how collocation works if you want to reach band 6 or above. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The proportion of boy and girl learners in schools in relation to the difference of subject demands. [4]

Ho Nguyen,

- Nowadays(Nowadays is less academic)These days , with the evolution in educational system, the amountsnumber of boy and girl learners have been reachingreachedtheits peak. (inappropriate time signal for present perfect continuous.)

- ... variety in requirements of every subjectssubject , it is not...

- It is not doubtful thatUndoubtedly, male and female leanerslearners possess completely different...
- According to recent studies (unclear) , almost men would rather...
- ThatThis completely affects to their decision (...) in University and therefore, the amounts (...) probably do not equalcannot be equal in every subject.

As you can see, some grammatical issues still exist in your essay. I hope you can consider the above-mentioned feedback and gain some improvements in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Task 1: Bar chart shows the different modes of transport used to travel to and from work [4]

Syeda, apart from the above-mentioned feedback, you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. It is unfortunate that you created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. If you want to get 7 in the actual test, format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

A breakdown of the information... (1st sentence)
The values are measured... (2nd sentence)
Overall, it is important to note that... (3rd sentence)

The first body of your essay also has the same problem. If you don't serve up the information from the chart in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. I suggest that you approach the first body in the following manner:

In 1960, the proportion... (1st sentence)
It then continued... (2nd sentence)
In addition,... (3rd sentence)

Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / What was the surroundings in which you grew up? Explain how it shaped you as a person. [5]

Rachel, there are two major points of the prompt that should be elaborated. First, it is about the environment in which you were raised and second, how the environment shaped you as a person. As I read the whole essay, it is indeed that you have answered those questions but I think you have over-explained the first prompt. It took 4 paragraphs to explain the environment in which you were raised and you only gave a paragraph to explain how it shaped you as a person like what you said in the end "it helped me develop into the student I am today". It might be quite too late I guess.

However, I have a suggestion for you on how to structure the paragraph for this kind of essay, but it is up to you whether you want to follow my suggestion or not. It is just my opinion. Thus, I reckon that you just need to insert a paragraph before the last one and focus on explaining how your dad's absence can shape you to be a better person. It might not be just only two sentences explanation like in the very last part of your essay. You can elaborate the idea "the value of a quality education and the results that come with it".

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The Finland's will more focus on developing of an alternative energy, rather than the coal. [2]

Dioba,
Here's my analysis towards your article summary. I hope you can follow through.

- Based on Peter Lund, a researcher from the U niversity of Aalto, saysaid that Finland will become...
- The Finland's council/officials will more focus more on developing of alternative energy, (comma needed) and the council pouredpours/spends more than 80...
- It means that power plants that use coal will close which provide only 8 percent from total amount of energy in Finland.(I have no idea why this part is quite confusing. Try to simplify your sentence pattern.)

- Not only is Finland as a pioneer, another countrythe other countries such as UK, Austria ...
- TheirThey hope with that plan they can reduce ...

As you can see, your summary suffered from grammatical issues. Some sentences are even difficult to understand. My suggestion is that try to write in a simple way possible that can easily be understood by others. Remember, clarity is a MUST. :)

Writing Feedback / Summary TED (v) Jay Walker English mania [2]

Dioba,
Here's my contributions towards your TED Video summary. I hope you can follow through.

- Every aspect(unclear, what aspects?) in the...
- The world has an aspect as the universal language in each subject.(truly unclear)
- For instance, mathematics is the language of science subject , music is language of emotions subject and English becomingbecomes the language of...
- Nowadays, every person(are you sure about this? it seems you over-generalize an idea) in the world has studieduse English as a second language.

- ...India and South East Asia are also affected.
- ... young generation for studying English .

As you can see, unclear statement can lead to a confusion and misunderstanding. Try to write a clear and informative statement rather than taking the speakers' saying for granted. :)

Writing Feedback / Some say that children are better to learn a foreign language at primary school rather than later. [2]

Septia, I can notice that you didn't take my previous feedback seriously. I have told you earlier that you need to write an OUTLINE if you want to reach band 6 or above. Even, I gave you an example about how to write a proper outline in this thread https://essayforum.com/writing/teaching-children-home-best-child-74039/ .

It is clear in IELTS public band descriptors
takeielts.britishcouncil.org/sites/default/files/IELTS_task_2_Writing_band_descriptors.pdf
that you need to write an overall progression (outline) if you want to reach band 6 in terms of Coherence and Cohesion. That is why this essay is worth only 5.0 if it is written in an actual test. My suggestion is that you need to read IELTS public band descriptors to help you achieving a better score. However, if your target score is only 5.0, I think it is another story. You can just keep writing like this in the actual test and you will definitely get 5.0 for your writing.

Writing Feedback / The point of view that children who study at home have best opportunity for developing themselves [2]

Mardian,

I can notice that you have successfully followed the appropriate format of an IELTS task 2. Yet, some improvements for the betterment of your essay are still needed. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

- Nowadays(Nowadays is less academic)These days , the majority of people take the viewthink/believe that children... (no comma needed) while the other people declare(be careful in choosing the appropriate word. "Declare" means different from "mention/say/state") that children...

- However, as far as I am concerned, both of those methods have some benefits to be implemented by parents for theirin children. these days.

- This essay will first discuss about thatwill getchildren's full attention due to studying at home and then, talk about thatsocialize is verythe essential of socializing and learning togetherto be learnt which only exists at school.

(after "about" it should be phrase not sentence)

Writing Feedback / Increasing people's awareness that foreign languages are the window to the world [2]

Faiz, remember that you ONLY have 40 minutes to compose an IELTS task 2 essay. It is also necessary to write at least 250 words minimum. Writing 502 words like what you have done will bring detrimental effects towards your IELTS task 1 essay. You can just aim for 280 - 300 words for this type of essay in order to make you spend an adequate amount of time without taking the precious time of Task 1. Let me help you summarizing the introduction paragraph. I hope you can follow through.

It is believed that children are better suggested to start learning foreign language at elementary level rather than secondary level. I would argue that even though learning foreign language can possibly disturb their second language acquisition, early foreign language learning will broaden their horizons and bring more knowledge about language.

As you can see, it might look simple, but it already represent all the necessary information for an introduction paragraph such as, question's paraphrase, opinion, and outline of the ideas. I hope you can do better next time by considering the above-mentioned feedback :)

Writing Feedback / I would argue that teaching children at home can help children to resolve their problem swiftly [3]

Septia, are you in a rush or what? It seems to me that your introduction is too simple. You cannot reach more than 5 if you didn't give outline of your ideas in the introductory paragraph. If you see this sentence "I am strongly believe that these methods have its own benefits for children." , it will trigger some questions to the reader. Benefits? what are the benefits? is it truly beneficial? or is it just an assumption that it "might" be beneficial?. Let me help you adding an additional sentence that is appropriate for an outline.

Thus, this essay will discuss, first, teacher focus is enhanced in homeschooling, and second, social skill will be improved when the children study at school.

I would say that actually, your conclusion has stated clearly about the outline of your ideas. Then why didn't do the same thing on the introduction? Therefore, I hope that you can compose a better essay by considering the above-mentioned feedback. :)

Writing Feedback / Children who are taught at home will experience effectiveness in learn [2]

Anna,
Here's my feedback for the first and the second paragraph of your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- As far as I know, this is the most appropriate paragraph among your friends. You have simply paraphrase the question and outline your ideas clearly. Yet, the thing that is missing is your "opinion". You forgot to give your own opinion before the outline. Since an opinion is necessary to be given due to the prompt requirement, this paragraph might be considered as "answer partially" not "fully answer" the prompt given.

2nd paragraph:
- This is the only paragraph amidst all that has two brackets. I have never seen any sample answers that put bracket inside the essay. Thus, I suggest you to NOT put them again in the next practice. Also, placing the comma is crucial. Try to differentiate this "Children who are taught at home, will experience effectiveness..." and this "Children who are taught at home will experience effectiveness..." . It has different interpretation right? I think the blue one is the most appropriate sentence format.

Writing Feedback / Many parents choose to teach their children at home since they think it helps in their growing time [4]

Nuraini, with regards to your prompt, I can say that it is quite unfortunate that you mention unnecessary details that might hamper the final grading of your essay. When you mention "...all of them have merits and drawbacks...", it is not entirely wrong, but the prompt stated that "discuss (only) the advantages of both...". It was implicitly told you to "only" discuss about the advantages. It might look simple, but I am sure it might bring detrimental effect towards your band score. Thus, it is suggested to NOT doing the same mistake on the next practice.

Then, it is strongly suggested to avoid using "but" in the beginning of the sentence. "But" is one of the coordinate connectors and NOT a cohesive device. It would make the essay looks less formal. Perhaps you can just alter "But" to "However/Nevertheless". In addition, when it comes to grammatical range and accuracy, I can still notice some errors that are actually can be avoided. For instance, when you write "others argue, it is a necessary for children...", I think that you shouldn't separate them by comma. You can just simply mention "others argue that it is necessary for...". Also, you are suggested to try to proofread your essay before submitting it. This sentence "Even it will be better, if they can accompany their children..." also contains errors. Comma is crucial, it might shift the meaning. You can take a look at this sentence and see the difference "Even, it will be better if they can accompany their children..." .

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Unconscious brain training and the exposure therapy [3]

Ilham,
Where's the link? As you might know, we would not able to check whether your article summary has already represented the most important information or not without reading the real article. However, let's just take a closer look on my feedback below.

- ... usually utilized to treatedtreat phobias (to+infinitive) , yet the result is not satisfiedsatisfying because some patients/people dislike and feel ...
- Moreover, Hakwan Lau offrom the University of California tries to (...) thinking without realizing(did you mean "analyzing"?) .
- ... the result which was presented(this sentence needs a time signal that indicates the most appropriate tense that you can probably use) at the Society for NeuroscienceNeurosciences conference in San Diego can easier reduce fear reaction from patients easier .

As you can see, you have written 3 long-but-inaccurate sentences in which can bring detrimental effect towards your final grading. Avoid making long sentences if you are unsure about its accuracy. Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Two strong quakes strike New Zealand; no reports of damage [2]

Ryan,

- Two earthquakes are happeninghas happened in several areas of New Zealand on Tuesday. (Stop here, new sentence)whileFortunately, there is no victim sinceof this accident. (stop, new sentence) In comparison withcomparedthe earthquake in five years ago, whichit killed 185 people...

- The first one occurs in the Northern part of New Zealand with 5.6 scales richerRichter scalewith depthand at approximately 10 kilometers depth .
- Thus, there is no tsunami in thereit is not potentially trigger tsunami.
- The second one appearshas appeared in the Northeast of Christchurch...
- The reason why this disaster happen is because the position of this country is on the ring of fire...

As you can see, several remarks and inputs have been delivered for the betterment of your essay. Hope this would help you composing a better article summary next time :)

Writing Feedback / The proportion of students, both males and females, who passed their skill exams in high school [3]

Mardian, this essay is actually a well-written piece of work but unfortunately, the most important data is missing. Stating "over a 2-year period" is only used for substituting the year that you have mentioned in the very beginning of your essay. If you take a closer look, there is NO exact time signal that indicates the year. In IELTS public band descriptors, it is stated clearly in terms of Task Achievement that "there may be no data to support the description" is one of the criteria for band 5. Year/Time signal is an important data that must not be missing. Therefore, my suggestion is that you need to be more careful in the next practice. It was really unfortunate, I would give you band 6 or above for this writing if you give the "data" to support the descriptions.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Causes of Children's Life Pressures and Its Solution [3]

I think you need to differentiate between something that is happening NOW and something that is fact/news/statement/general truth. It might look simple but it appears in the very first sentence of your essay and it will NOT bring benefits towards your score. For instance, in this sentence you can see that "In recent years, young people EXPERIENCE problem" . This is definitely a factual data / facts / general truth / statement. Thus, simple present tense is more appropriate than present progressive/continuous.

I am quite curious why do some members of this forum prefer to write FAKE facts rather than giving general example about certain things. Fake facts are easily to be recognized. It also often leads to fake-FALSE-facts. This would not be better for the betterment of your essay. This might also ruin the final grading of your score. Take a closer look on the criteria of BAND 5. IELTS band descriptors mentioned that "there may be irrelevant detail" . Fake facts or even fake-false facts can be considered as irrelevant if you are not careful enough to select the information that you want to 'create'.

Writing Feedback / Foreign Language and Mathematics - the subjects with the least disparity between girls and boys [2]

At first, the introduction was fine. I can see that it is well-structured and well-developed. Yet, it is unfortunate when it comes to your body paragraphs. Some grammatical flaws ruined the whole essay. This make me unsure whether this essay can reach 6 or not. It might reach 5.5 due to a clear overview that you've written. However, the detailed descriptions for your grammatical issues would be described below.

- ... and women, which iswas almost 1 percent (...) same at around 47 percent and 49 percent respectively. (redundant "percent")
- ... around 2 percent gap higher while the latter (...) 3 percent gap.(gap = repetitive)

- The highest gap was seen on Chemistry...
- ... dominantly by boys having aroundat approximately(having = repetitive(see above)) 30 percent while the women got one in ten ... (I think "got" can be replaced by "obtained/gained/achieved/reached")

Writing Feedback / Article Summary : Vitamin D deficiency is widely overestimated, doctors warn [2]

Nda18,
I can see that your summary has already well-written. Some of the flaws are actually do not really distract the meaning. The reader would still understand about what you have written. Yet, it needs to be perfected for the betterment of your essay. I hope the detailed descriptions below would be helpful for you in order to create a better summary next time. :)

- ... nutrient for strong bones which is warned by doctors (...) vitamin D's tabletS than it is required.
- The wrong idea in usingconsuming vitamin D havehas led to some (...) people thinkingthink that they need to consume more.
- ... needed by people are varyvarious .
- Depending on age, theit is estimated that...

Writing Feedback / US witnessed the highest proportion in housing while the lowest proportion was UK in the health care [3]

Meireza,

- A comparison of the proportion of shares of expenditures in fivefour different countries...
- Overall, it can be seen that the United States witnessed the highest proportionpercentage in housing while the lowest proportion was the United Kingdom in health care sector. (repetitive usage of "proportion")

- It can be seen thatTo begin with , in the major needs of human life, housing was the highest proportion(repetitive)largest percentage in all countries except Japan, more than 23% in America and the UK...

- In contrast, Canada was the highest proportionmost dominant percentage/proportion in clothing..
- Another sector, f ood experienced 22% in...
- Lastly, the minority of food expenditures was in America(repetitive sentence pattern as above)the United States of America only had 14% for food expenditures and it became the minority.

Overall, some alterations have been delivered, especially in grammatical range and accuracy. I hope you can gain some improvements in the next practice. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / STUDENT COMPETENCY TEST: male pupils turned out to be better in Geography than girls? [3]

I have no idea why some of the members in this forum addressing overview more than once. Actually, you only need to address an overview once. It can be either in the beginning of your essay (introduction paragraph) or it might be in the last paragraph. Addressing an overview by using cohesive device is also suggested, but using TWO cohesive devices related to overview is NOT. It is unfortunate that you accidentally addressed them twice by stating "overall" at first then in the beginning of the first body paragraph you mention "it can be seen that". For your information, there are many cohesive devices that can be used in the first body paragraph. Those are "To begin with", "A closer look on the data/graph/table/chart", "Initially", and many more. However, it might look simple but a simple mistake like this can be taken into account because it also becomes one of the criteria that is assessed in IELTS writing task 1. Unclear or No overview can make you only score 5 in an actual test, the same case as this essay.

Writing Feedback / The graph illustrates some life's trouble after people decision to move abroad. English studio task [2]

Alfin, it is unfortunate that your overview is unclear because you didn't select the appropriate information of the chart given (if there is a chart, but actually there isn't) . Mentioning only the highest/lowest data would not help you achieving a better overview. Thus, you can only get 5 for task achievement.

For coherence and cohesion, I might say that this can only reach 5 due to inadequate, inaccurate or over-use cohesive devices. For instance, you have accidentally addressed "overview" several times. Mentioning "as we all know, overall, as clearly be seen, we know that" would make your cohesive devices redundant and inaccurate or over-use. Also, some words repetitiveness such as "highest" and "sorting" also make this essay can only reach 5. You can substitute them by using synonyms and rephrase them by altering from active into a passive one.

Without reading further, it is quite clear that this essay can only reach 5 or even worse if you keep making the same mistake in the next practice. Hope this would be helpful :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task I about people living in the overseas [3]

Dioba,
Where is the chart?

- A breakdown of the information about several troubles that are faced by people...
- All in allOverall , 3 types of people livingwho live in overseas have the same problems . (stop here, new sentence)andBoth making friends and finding live place to live are almost havehave almost the same percentage inof people over 55.

- First of all, people aged 18-34 who face making friends as a problem stoodstart at almost a half.
- Moreover, people over 55 have percentage lowerlower percentage than people...
- InOn the other hand, people aged 35-54 who feel difficult to find (...) people aged 18-34 at approximately almost four-ten.

As you can see, your essay suffered from structural problems and in dire need for improvements. Try to write a simple sentence correctly first rather than forcing yourself writing inaccurate-complex sentence like what you've done.

Writing Feedback / Integration Problems for People Living Aboard [5]

Yurike, it is unfortunate that even though you write many times, your errors are still related to constructing appropriate sentences. If you keep writing like this, you can only get 5 in an actual test or even worse if your handwriting is difficult to read. Even though you are in a hurry due to time limitation, I suggest you to save at least 1-2 minutes to proofread your own essay, especially about spelling and grammatical problems. Misspelling "children" become "cildren" might not ruin the meaning and distract the clarity, but it is quite noticeable due to the place is in the introduction. Also, fragmented sentence (missing either subject or verb) like this "The differentdifference between young aged and middle aged group of people byis shown below 5 percent." should never be occurred if you want to reach band 6 or above.

However, you need to also avoid making mistake since the very first sentence of your essay. The first sentence of your essay should impress the examiner by writing a correct and appropriate sentence. I am not really sure where did you get that word but I have never seen any sample answers that mention "The chart talks about...". It seems quite odd when "a chart" can "talk" isn't it? There are many other words that are possible to be used instead of this one. Those are The chart shows/describes/presents/reveals/depicts/illustrates/many more.

Undergraduate / My Struggle with Personal Relationship and How I Solved It- 2016 CA Essay [5]

Kevin, I think that giving the title without a prompt is not really helpful for the reader to check whether your essay has already successfully answered the prompt or not. It is unclear whether you only obliged to tell a story or you need to answer certain question(s) from the prompt. However, I might say that this essay has already well-written and well-developed. It also triggers the reader to read more on your essay and make us curious to see how you solve that problem with personal relationship. The ending is also heart-touching.

Even though some grammatical issues such as, ...a squirrel trying to find a way.. exist, I think that it doesn't bring serious impact towards the clarity of your essay. The reviewer will be able to overlook the slight grammar errors in your essay. However, you should still strive to write a grammatically correct essay as much as possible.

Also, I think that your essay will look better if you switch the usage of coordinate connectors such as, "but", "and", to begin your sentence. You can begin your sentence by using more appropriate cohesive devices such as, "However/Nevertheless" to replace "but", "In addition/Furthermore/Moreover" to replace "and". This would make your essay stylistically better than before.

Hope this helps :)

Essays / An four page research essay on a social issue - I chose the death penalty, which I am against [3]

Sarah, I think you better click "Similar Discussions [+]" in this thread. You will find various answers/feedback from other members or contributors. What I can say is that 4 page research essay is not that complicated at all if you just divide the chapters clearly. For instance, the first page should consist of introduction that will take up to 400-500 words related to how death penalty can be related to social issue such as human rights. Elaborate those ideas by citing people's writing/journals/books that you find appropriate to your paper. Usually, the research question will be like whether death penalty is justifiable or not. Then, the second and the third page will be the discussion about whether death penalty acceptable/justifiable according to some cases and experts. Lastly, the fourth page will be your conclusion. Concluding paragraph is usually the summary of what you have written so far and what is actually the result of your research paper. State the answer, if you think that you are against the idea of death penalty, you can just mention it in the conclusion based on several facts and arguments that you have explored in the whole essay.

However, all of those suggestions would be beneficial if you start working NOW. Try to READ and WRITE all the necessary information. It is not necessarily in the form of paragraphs, but at least, you will have some knowledge or understanding about the issue.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Coconut crab's bone-crushing grip is 10 times stronger than ours [2]

Dioba, you're not a new member of this forum. I believe you already know that you need to mention the article/video's link of this summary. It would be helpful for us in cross-checking whether your summary is an original piece of work or just copy-paste from other sources. Also, unclear thread would also lead to a suspension right? Don't you remember it? Thus, I suggest you to avoid making the same mistake. It is better to be warned by members rather than moderators. Moderators will directly suspend your account if you violate those simple rules.

However, I would still want to help you by giving some remarks and modifications for the betterment of your essay.
- Coconut crab from the Asia-Pacific region has more powerful clawS rather than hisits species, Crustacean, which can lift up to 28 kilograms and opencrack a shell ofcoconut's shell.

- ... Churashima Japan conduct a research (...), especially theirits claw's strength to crush...
- ...found that animal(what animal?) has a crush force up to...
- Furthermore, the usage of the claws isare used to crack hard (...), nuts, and break the bone of another animalanimal's bone . (FYI, bone is not a "hard shell")

- Not only for those purposeS , but also the claws' function is to protect them(ambiguous, is it coconut crab or claws?) from attackers.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, the majorty of children are facing a huge pressure rather than in the past [3]

Septia,

-...children are facingface a hugeheavier pressure rather than..
- I would argue that the willingnessforcing them to be the best in class and comparing childrenthem with anotherother students will lead children to become morestressful.

- Thus, parents/teachers should teach them for not always thinking about being the best, instead as a solution, they are suggested to teach them to always be grateful.giving them education in regards to the winner is not ...

- To sum up, as far as I concerned, that teaching children about competitionto compete , and always comparing (...) children to become more stressstressful.
- I generallystrongly believe that giving them knowledge about the winners...by telling them that sometimes you win, sometimes you learn, andalsoto be grateful are the best wayS to help children reducereducing the pressure.

As you can see, some modifications and remarks have been given. You can mind the above-mentioned feedback to help you achieving a better essay in the next practice. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / The outcome in five countries including UK, USA, Canada, and Japan based on five categories in 2009 [3]

Pramudiana, false fact/data is not suggested to be appeared in the essay. It might look simple, but when you mention "five countries" and the real data is "four countries", it is also considered as a mistake. The worst thing is that you did make a mistake since the very first sentence of your essay. Thus, I hope you can become more careful in the next practice.

There are lots of cohesive devices but why did you choose "first of all" to open the first body paragraph? I am not really sure that the usage of "first of all" will be appropriate for writing task 1, but I have never seen any sample answers using that phrase to begin the paragraph. Instead, I have seen some sample answers use that phrase/cohesive device in Task 2 not Task 1. Try to come up with something that is acceptable for writing task 1 such as, "To begin with", "Initially", and many more. In your last paragraph, I think it might be better if you write it in the opposite way. As far as I know, "on one hand" should come before "on the other hand". In your writing, you accidentally switched them.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Development communities usually utilize young adults to work for them [2]

Meireza, using fake facts in actual test is not suggested. If you keep practicing by using them, the pressure of the exam would make you write fake "false/irrelevant" facts like what you have written in this essay. Why should United Nation conduct a survey related to people who work in certain organisation? Mentioning United Nation is too general, perhaps you can specifically mention certain branch of UN that concerns in people's salary. As you can see, Wikipedia mentioned that The United Nations (UN) is an intergovernmental organization to promote international co-operation. Thus, my suggestion is that "relevant" facts do not have to be taken from a survey, instead, a real example from the news would be more helpful. Otherwise, you can just give some examples that are generally known by most people. This feedback is addressed to both body paragraphs that you've written.

Additionally, try to learn more about collocation. Some of your sentences are still ambiguous. When people read this "...people soul are called...", they will think that "their souls are called?" "are you kidding me?" "Did they die?". It is quite silly isn't it? Perhaps you can rephrase the sentence by concerning the appropriate collocation like this:

However, those young people have a great tendency to help each other, it is their desire to use their energy to work there even the salary is quite low.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / How many pupils have passed their high school exams, according to the subject and sex [2]

Septia, I can see that you have successfully maintained a recommended writing pattern for IELTS task 1. Yet, you need to be careful in selecting the place for the test. If some of your friends take the actual test in the same place as yours, either you or your friends will be penalized due to memorizing / imitating someone's writing pattern. Therefore, it is suggested for you to take different place/time for the test to avoid this problem.

However, some improvements are still needed in order to achieve a better score later on. First of all, there is no serious issues in the first paragraph. You only need to learn more about the difference between past perfect tense and past tense. In 2nd paragraph, I believe that in western, especially the United Kingdom, people use "period" instead of "comma" when writing percentage. So, 56.3% is correct, and 56,3% is not. Furthermore, if you want to achieve a high mark, 6 or above for Lexical Resource, try to not using "basic/beginner" words like "bigger". In the last paragraph, your sentence pattern is quite repetitive. Even though you have varied your words by using "respectively" and " successively" but the sentence pattern is merely the same. It is difficult to earn a high score in grammatical range and accuracy if you write repetitive sentence pattern.

Hope this helps :)

Undergraduate / Keeping Your Stomach and Heart Full [3]

Yoosol, I believe expanding this essay is the first priority that should be achieved. Editing this essay can come after your essay has been expanded to a minimum words count. I assume that is quite acceptable in length, but your second paragraph is another story. It is unfortunate that you stop your paragraph by mentioning an open plot. It brings some questions to the reader. When you say "...produce something that inevitably brings everyone together: food." Why food? Why not money? Why not job? Why not music concert? There are lots of things that can brings everyone together but why did you choose food? What is so special with it?.

From the above-mentioned example, questioning your paragraph, especially the last sentence, would help you to expand your paragraph to a certain extent in order to answer your question. Try to do that in the rest of the paragraph, is it still questionable? if yes, what is the question? and you can just give your answer there.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Students' achievement in the high school competency exams based on the lesson classifications [4]

Anna, you are suggested to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introductory part of your essay. It is unfortunate that you created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

A breakdown of... (1st sentence)
The values are measured in... (2nd sentence)
Overall, it can be seen that the girls... (3rd sentence)

Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. This is why I suggest you to aim to write for at least 165 words minimum up to 190 words maximum.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Here's depicted a breakdown of expenditures' usage in some of countries of three continents in 2009 [2]

Faiz, at first glance, I am not really sure that you can write like this in actual test due to time limitation. Writing more than 200 words is indeed time-consuming. You wrote 259 words for this essay and it would bring detrimental towards task 2. Remember, task 2 is worth twice than task 1. Therefore, you need to practice on how to create a perfect time-management for and IELTS writing test.

However, aside from that, I still can see some rooms for improvements in relation to grammatical range and accuracy. Let me try to rephrase your introduction in order to help you to summarize the main features and select the appropriate information in the bar chart.

A breakdown of the information about expenditure usage for five chosen categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in percentage in 2009. Overall, it can be seen that, housing appeared as the most favourite expenditure amidst other categories, and it was dominated by the United States in the whole period.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Why Rochester Minnesota is the greatest place to go to? Top 100 Best Places to Live. [2]

Hi Yui, Welcome to EF :)

- This is a proof thatProve it is a place where...
- Therefore , Rochester is the best placesplace to go to which shows Strongdue to its strong competitiveness. (punctuation and grammatical problems)

- OneveryA strong reason forwhy Rochester is athe greatest place to go is because of Mayo Clinic --The best hospital.
- ...research group settled in 1864. (period) Under the primary value"The needs of the patient come first", (no space needed before comma) Mayo Clinic do its best in taking care of every patient and winedgetting a great honor around the world. (period) U.S. News & World Report ranked Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minn as the best hospital in the nation in theirin 2016-2017 periodrankings and maintainingmaintained a position near the... (can you differentiate between "comma" and "period"? the way you put them seems quite messy and jumbled)

According to the above-mentioned feedback, I can see that the whole essay also experience the same problem. It is mostly about punctuation and grammatical problems. If you can mind the feedback above, I am sure that you will able to create a better essay later on. Try to upload the revision below my comment to achieve a further assistance :)

Graduate / It may be silly for many if I return to a poor country after graduating from world class university [3]

Tad Bel, you need to re-think about the first sentence of your essay. Even though you didn't say that returning to a poor country is a silly idea, the reader will think that you unconsciously support it. A person who has great nationalism towards their own country would never think that way. My suggestion is that you can just alter or rephrase that sentence to be like this:

- Returning to Africa upon completing my study would bring significant impact towards the country.
As you can see, you can just try to be directly address your good intention towards your own country since the very first sentence of your essay. Also, what I can see is that your essay is quite convincing at first, but when I read the whole essay, some repetitiveness on your idea development distract the reader's concentration. It is unfortunate that you mentioned "I will.." a lot in this essay. Try to paraphrase those sentences into some forms of active and passive sentences. Furthermore, "I will.." is also inappropriate for a planned-future idea. I think that "I am going to.." is the most appropriate expression to state a plan. Try to check again on grammar book if you are not really sure about this.

Hope this helps :)

Research Papers / Fire Prevention Laws, how far is too far? [3]

Hi Daniel, Welcome to EssayForum :)

I have some experience in writing some research projects but this type of research paper is quite different from what I usually do. A research paper that I usually write consists of at least three chapters. The first one is "Introduction", the second one is "Discussion", and the third one is "Conclusion". I might say that your research paper seems like an essay but it has additional "cited works/references". If you think that my version is quite good, just try to group the information into the mentioned chapters above.

In addition, you are suggested to avoid using contractions in an academic essay. Contractions will make your essay become less formal/academic. I also notice some grammatical inaccuracies that would be described below.

- There were about twenty 3-storytwenty-three-story / 23-story buildings with...
- By nowThen , several other engineS and one other...
- It burned so hot, so fast that we couldn't stop it,could not stop it.(Stop here, new sentence)We could only keep other surrounding...

- ...basements doare not counted as a story. (stop here, new sentence)soThus, many builders dig an enormous hole...
- ...the internet yielded dozens of articles from local newspapers across the country that showshowed a growing trend...
- ...from a furniture store like IkeaIKEA ...

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Guests' quantities on two music sites [4]

Mujaddidah, I can see that there is no serious problem with your paragraphing style. Even I do really like them, it is very informative and well-developed. Yet, some rooms for improvements still exist. The detailed descriptions below should help you.

- ...music sites presented in the line graph is measured byin tens of thousands during fifteen days.
- At a glance, both of figures(what figures? mentioning the name would be helpful in improving the clarity) witness an upward trend mean while Pop Parade site is...

- ...the first five days and keeps falling down by40to roughly 40 in the two...
- InOn the contrary/other hand , Music Choice's proportion shows...
- ...both figures hit itstheir low to around 30.
- ..fluctuation bybetween 10 and 20 orranging from 10 to 20 ...

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Why you should care about whale poo [2]

Bambang, I think you have mistakenly chosen the appropriate tense that you think it was. If you take a closer look on the content, it mostly tells the reader or audience about "information/general truth/fact/news" and it is a "current" situation that is happening related to whale. It is true that some of the information indicates a past event, but I think most of them should be in present form. Let me give you a hint in the detailed descriptions below:

- Asha de Vos was whale protector... (did she change her job now? if she is now still working as whale protector, present form is the most appropriate tense)

- She said that Blue Whale became extinct because many people caught and made it as fish oil or fish production. (do people stop catching fish and making fish oil nowadays? No right? I assume that this sentence also needs to be in present form, except the indirect speech)

- People should aware that blue whale could hold environmental destruction.(fact/general truth = present)
- ... discovered that whale was sea engineer, (until now, whale is still a sea engineer)
- On theIn other words ,...

As you can see, the rest of your summary should also follow the above-mentioned feedback. I hope you can do better in the next practice :)