Scholarship / Surging Through Time (Scholarship Essay) [3]

Jenny, this prompt does not call for a creative essay. This is a prompt that calls for a reflective presentation of your life so far. This is your summarized biography. There are aspects of your life that you have to focus on in order to deliver the requirements. First, discuss your parents and their aspirations in life for you. That will explain the context in which you grew up. Then explain how you were inspired by your parents and their dreams for you in a manner that shows how you formed your aspirations for yourself.

When you hit the academic discussion, think about who inspired you? Was it a teacher? A tutor? A classmate? A relative? Who inspired your academic success and why? If it is related to some awards and recognition, that would be even better. As for your challenges, these could be academic or personal in nature. This is the most reflective part of the essay because you need to look back on your hard times or the hard times of your family and explain how this helped you to get to know yourself better as you overcame the challenge. Did it teach you something about how you deal with challenges on a personal level? Or did you learn that family support is important when faced with a challenge?

All of the explanations you provide will help to explain the factors that helped you to grow as a child of the family, an individual, and a student. By revising the total essay and writing it in a straightforward manner instead of wasting word count with such trivial and unnecessary presentations like a countdown, you will be able to better meet the word requirement as well.

Writing Feedback / Networking - strong ability to make and maintain the network. Show how to use it in the future. [6]

Juliana, your networking essay is so faulty that it could be discarded by the reviewer for non-compliance with the prompt requirements. This is the one time in all of the Chevening writinjg activities that you need to show the development of your networking skills. Provide at least 3 solid examples covering your academic, professional, and socio-civic networking skills. Why cover these 3 aspects? You need to convince the reviewer that you can provide a network that will help promote Chevening upon your completion of the program. Remember, the last aspect of the prompt asks you how you can use this network to help promote Chevening and help the future program participants? That is exactly why you need to convince the reviewer that you have an existing network that you are not only currently using, but also, that you can use to help promote the program and assist the scholars in your capacity as a mentor in the future. A general description is good, but should only be one paragraph to kick off the essay. The reviewer needs at least 3 paragraphs of specific examples to even consider your essay within the prompt parameters for consideration.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - teachers and parents education - which has more value to a child? [6]

Lee, you accidentally created a redundant paraphrasing of the original prompt for discussion in the first and second paragraphs. This is something that you could have avoided if you had properly outlined the essay in the opening paragraph. The purpose of the first paragraph is to help you outline the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs so that you will be able to properly discuss and develop your essay discussion. The correct prompt paraphrase is as follows:

Some people that children can learn how to respectable members of society through the examples set by and lessons in respect that their parents provide. Others though, believe that lessons in respect and how to be good members of society is best taught in schools. This essay will present a discussion regarding each point of view prior to my presentation of my personal opinion regarding the topic.

Using the opening discussion to outline your discussion will help you accurately use the 3 body paragraphs in a method that will best allow you to highlight your ability to write in English. The format would then be:

1. Opening paraphrase
2. Point 1 with supporting explanations
3. Point 2 with supporting explanations
4. Personal point of view (always in support of point 2)
5. Concluding statement (summary of the previous discussion)

Based on the format above, you should notice that the discussion you created does not represent the required elements of the prompt requirement. That means, you did not properly discuss the prompt and its representing opinions. This could lead to a failing score in an actual test. Thankfully, you are still reviewing and practicing so you have time to correct these major errors on your part.

Writing Feedback / Which age group is easier to be influenced by views of celebrities? [3]

Sheanen, the opening paraphrase is not accurate in terms of representing the original prompt. You have a tendency to discuss the prompt in a manner that you feel is proper rather than simply explaining or retelling what the original prompt said in your own words. If I had paraphrased this prompt, it would have resulted in the following:

These days, it appears the young people value the opinions of celebrities while the older people do not give too much importance to the celebrity points of view. In this essay, I will discuss why I agree with that statement. I will be presenting reasons and examples that I feel will better illustrate my point of view.

It is important that you learn how to stick to the original prompt in your paraphrasing because that will represent your ability to understand English topics for discussion and discussion instructions. The closer your interpretation of the original prompt, the better your TA score will be. All you have to do is make sure that you do not stray too far from the original prompt and that you use synonyms that can help you to better present your understanding of the topic and instructions.

By the way, even though the essay asks you to use reasons and examples to support your answer, you need to keep a distance and not get emotional in your response. Your presentation shows a clear irritation at your grandfather and other senior citizens. That makes your point of view less objective and more personal. Unless the essay asks you to get personal, use an objective point of view. That means, do not get too emotional and lax in your presentation. Retain an academic tone and make sure that you use logical examples that, although personal in nature, does not show a sense of emotion such as irritation or anger at the topic of the discussion. Remember, this is an academic, not personal essay, after all.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 1] Table: Underground railway information summary [6]

Giang, just a number of important information were missing from the overview summary. Remember, you need to include a mention of the 6 cities from the chart because that is part of the summary information presentation. Aside from that, you needed to present the discussion instruction information prior to the trending information. Even without those information though, the overview is still strong and informative.

Don't use terms like "specifically" and "Nevertheless' to start your paragraphs. You cannot use those terms because both indicate that a previous discussion, sometimes related to the next sentence, sometimes not, exists in the paragraph. In your presentation, the previous sentence does not exist.

The third paragraph comprises a run-on sentence. The first sentence should have been divided into 2 sentences. This would have made the meaning of the sentences clearer as well.

The last paragraph has information in a parenthesis. Remove the parenthesis. All passenger information must be presented in complete sentences. This is part of required information so it should not be given an optional (parenthesis) presentation. Look at the presentation you made for that paragraph, you mentioned all of the passenger numbers in regular formats, so it makes no sense to put one set of passenger information in a parenthesis.

Based on the work that you did on this chart and the overall effectiveness of your discussion, I think you could get a score of 6 at the most. There are going to be some small considerations on the part of the examiner that might affect your final, overall score but if I were the examiner, this is how I would score it.

Scholarship / KGSP 2018-Personal Statement - Shape yourself for the future [2]

You have a problem with your tense usage. You are constantly talking about things that happened in your past so you must use the past tense representation of the conversation. You also need to know the progression of word representations in English. The term you keep on using "live" is wrong. You are referring to the term "life". Change all references to "live" to "life" in your essay. In paragraph 9, don't slip into Spanish speaking mode. Rather than saying "sin embargo", say "since the embargo". The reference to your teacher, Alfredo Garcia is too short. Describe him in better detail. Aside from him saying something inspirational, in what other forms did he positively influence you as a student and person? Try to develop that introduction into a solid paragraph.

With regards to the clubs, which of these were you seriously involved in? Don't just enumerate the club types. Name the clubs and why you decided to participate in it. Do the same for any civic or community organizations that you were a member of or volunteering for. Expand on your English studies in an independent paragraph and explain why learning English was of importance to you. It is important that you highlight this section as an achievement on your part. I want you to do that because you have not spoken of any achievements, recognition, or awards that you received in school. However, if you can prove that you excelled in something outside of the classroom, that might be accepted as a replacement for the missing information.

Your discussion as to why you chose to seek a Korean scholarship is not clear. What is it about a Korean education that enticed you to wish to study there? What makes a Korean education special in your eyes? What is the connection that you have with Korea? Are you familiar with Korean culture, society, and the Hangul language in any way? These are reasons that could serve as a motivation for your desire to study in Korea. While it is not required in the prompt, you could add this to your motivational discussion as a reason that motivated your interest in the program.

Undergraduate / I'm the HongKonger in China [3]

Christy, you have a problem with verb usage and meaning. It is mostly related to the way that you use the word "have" in your essay. In the opening paragraph, you cannot say "Why do I haven't two identities?". Since the earlier sentences discussed the fact that you do have 2 identities, the proper question is "Why do I have 2 identities?" as the word "haven't" means "to not have". If you meant that you don't have 2 identities then you should have said "Why don't I have 2 identities?". In the second paragraph, the term "The Umbrella Revolution" describes the historical name of an event and should be capitalized as that indicates a proper noun reference. You cannot say, "They are no conflict" because you are referring to a situation. Hence, "there should be no conflict." There is the proper term to use because you are not discussing a person but rather a situation.

Christy, in all honesty, there are so many grammatical mistakes in this essay that I would have to rewrite the whole essay for you in order to point out and correct all of the mistakes. Unfortunately, that is not my job. I can only advise you regarding the fact that you need to work on developing your grammar skills. Right now, your problem with verb usage is what I think you need to focus on. Inform your tutor that you need to learn how to properly use the past, present, and future tense of English words. Additionally, you need to learn how to develop a sentence that has a clear subject and verb presentation.

These are the starter points for your English learning adjustment notes. Make sure that you pay attention to these problems and have your teacher or whoever is helping you to learn how to read, write, and speak in English assist you in developing your English skills. At the moment, this is not even a passing beginner presentation in English.

Undergraduate / I am not meant to be a writer. (Common App Essay) [2]

Maya, this is a very impressive and well developed essay. I am sure you already knew that because you learned how to write impressive essays during those trying times in your academic life. It is highly informative and really captures the readers attention. However, I feel that you need to increase the concluding paragraph to perhaps indicate what you now believe writing means and signifies in your life. How did it create a better person either in terms of being analytical of situations or requirements that you feel you cannot accomplish? Or perhaps, explain how you used what you learned about writing to overcome other learning obstacles that you might have encountered in other subjects or fields of your interest. That way, you create a more solid representation of the "what did you learn from that experience?" part in reference to something not related to your "not being a writer". You can adjust the earlier part of the essay to include that reference if you wish to. Maybe add a paragraph somewhere in the middle of the essay? I'm sure you can figure out where to place it. I'm sure that wherever you decide to place the information, your essay will become even better for it.

Writing Feedback / Some believe that children should get education at their home rather than educational institutes [4]

Ankush, regardless of whether you are writing an essay for the IELTS or TOEFL test, the main requirement for these tests is that your opening statement must accurately represent an understanding of the discussion topic and instructions from the original prompt . What you wrote though is considered a direct discussion of the topic presented without any outline or accurate retelling of the prompt. You deviated so much from the original information that you could have accidentally written about a different essay altogether if you weren't careful enough. Let me show you how this should have been done:

When it comes to the education of a child, a parent is faced with 2 options. The first, is that the child can be taught at home since there are people who believe that this would be best for the child's overall development. The other choice, is for the child to go to school. Both educational ideas have its advantages. In this essay, I will present what the advantages are for each option and then, I will give my opinion regarding the discussion based upon examples from my personal experience or knowledge.

By using an accurate representation of the original prompt, I was able to present a clear and interesting paraphrase of the original prompt. I used the opportunity to impress the reviewer with my lexical resources and I also presented enough complex sentence structures to garner an impressive GRA score right from the very start of the essay. This is the aim of the opening paragraph and this is what you have to deliver.

Your paragraph discussions are not really informative. You only present reasons but do not explain the basis of these information. As such, you did not accurately depict the requirement that requires relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. This is the sort of essay that asks you to consider, "If I were the child who is in school, which method of study would I prefer and why?" Once you know the answer to the question on a personal basis, you will be able to more accurately respond to and discuss the prompt.

Note that you are only being asked to discuss the advantages of each learning style in the essay. So there is no requirement for you to discuss the disadvantages as you did in this essay. However you could present an opposing point of view by starting off the paragraph with the term "I believe" or "I oppose" to signify that you are stating your own opinion at that point, even if it runs counter to the prompt discussion.

Scholarship / A team needs a leader to effectively accomplished its goals. Leadership and influence Question [2]

Navti, I am going to tell you the same thing that I tell everyone who is applying for the Chevening scholarship who use their educational leadership skills as proof of their ability to lead in the professional world, this is not going to work. The Chevening scholarship is based upon the premise that you are already some sort of executive in your place of work that has you in charge of projects, supervising people, and instructing them towards the completion of a project. Your explanation of your leadership skill is only useful for a college creative writing essay. This is not master class material, most certainly not Chevening material either.

I cannot believe that you placed your work experience as the closing statement of your essay. This should be the solely represented discussion throughout. You said you head the IT department. Discuss your work description and how you go about your daily duties. Explain the problems that you encounter and how you need to influence your subordinates to perform in a manner that will resolve the problem quickly and effectively. That is what this essay requires and that is what you have to represent. You cannot use any of the early paragraphs because they do not apply to the Chevening requirements for a leadership and influencing essay.

Writing Feedback / Strict actions should be imposed on the offenders who violates traffic norms [5]

Nitesh, the essay that you wrote will get a score of 4. I know it is a failing score. Even though you did write more than the acceptable number of words and you discussed the paragraphs in a manner that discusses a topic. You are not discussing the topic that was required of you by the original prompt. The original prompt dictates a discussion that should reflect and agreement with strict punishments for driving offenses. What you are discussing is an agreement with strict rules being implemented. There is a difference between strict punishment and strict rules. The punishment is the end result of breaking the rules. Therefore, the method by which you developed the opening paragraph shows that you did not understand the English instructions or, your knowledge of the English language is faulty to the point where you used the wrong term to describe what the essay wanted you to discuss. This error, which affects the task accuracy of the essay, which is the main part of the scoring bracket, resulted in the score of 4 on your end. This means that your response is only correct in certain aspects and references. The response is mostly inaccurate. BTW, only proper nouns or the names of people, places, and things are capitalized within the middle part of a sentence.

Writing Feedback / Salary can overweight other factors when it comes to selecting a job [5]

Phong, your approach to the essay will result in a failed score because you did not follow the proper discussion format and instructions as provided in the original essay prompt. Please take note of the grave mistake that you made in terms of the Task Accuracy portion of the test. You neglected to provide an accurate 3-5 sentence paraphrase of the discussion topic and instructions in your opening statement. The opening paraphrase is what the examiner uses to determine your ability to understand English instructions. So the paraphrase should be:

In today's job market, people consider a number of factors when deciding to accept a job offer. It is commonly believed that the monthly payments an employee will be receiving is the most important consideration when deciding to work for a company. I completely disagree with this point of view.

You need to offer the examiner an understanding of your analytical abilities in terms of understanding the original prompt. That is why it is always best to present a long form paragraph discussion in all instances. This allows you to elaborate on your English skills in terms of LR, C&C, and GRA considerations. Don't keep it short, keep it within 5 sentences per paragraph at all times in order to allow the examiner to fully consider your English writing and comprehension abilities.

The presentation you made for your discussion is also faulty. You have 2 reasons in one paragraph in the second paragraph. The rules indicate that you get the best possible score when you only discuss one reason per essay because you can fully explain your line of reasoning. You do not need too many reasons, you only need to be able to explain the 2 reasons that you have separately.

Your personal opinion should have been indicated in the 4th paragraph in order to signify the "extent" reasoning that you have on a personal basis. If you were the one applying for the job, why would you consider the salary to be the most important consideration? The first 2 reasons are only commonly accepted reasons. What is your personal reason? That an important representation of your "extent" reasoning.

Again, the same problem exists in your conclusion as in your opening paragraph. Make sure you correct the essay to properly reflect a restatement of the opening discussion in the conclusion. Same number of sentences are required.

Writing Feedback / Essay about unsatisfactory habits (TOEFL) [3]

Ai, the essay that you wrote does not conform to the requirements of a TOEFL test. You must present a 3-5 paragraph essay, composed of 3-5 sentences per paragraph, in the following format:

1. Opening paraphrase with opinion indicated in the thesis statement.
2. Reason 1
3. Reason 2
4. Reason 3 (optional)
5. Concluding paragraph

Your paragraph presentations do not fall under the required criteria. Do you notice how the instructions ask you to agree or disagree with the statement but you never, not once, indicated an opinion in the first paragraph? More noticeably, you did not even properly paraphrase the original prompt for this essay. The first paragraph mistake in presentation alone will result in an automatic failure of the essay. The extremely short sentences, which do not comprise fully developed thought processes in the form of paragraphs will also create a scoring problem for your essay. In fact, your overall approach and discussion does not come anywhere near the required presentation. There is no way that this essay will get a passing score in an actual setting due to your inability to follow the given instructions.

Scholarship / Becoming a successful doctor. Personal statement for Ugrad Scholarship programme. [2]

@spartan1 your essay is as serious as a heart attack when what is required is a more lighthearted approach to the essay requirements. Beyond the difficulties of what, what are your interests and hobbies? Introduce yourself to the reviewer in the opening statement. What is it about you that the other participants of the program, whom you will be interacting with find memorable and enjoyable about you as a person and as a companion? Would you consider yourself a socially active person? If yes, then how and why?

Your second paragraph should represent the reasons why you want to become a doctor. It should not be discussing the volunteer activities that you have. Explain the kind of doctor that you want to be. Be specific in relation to your personal interests. General statements like the one you present that constantly makes mention of your country does not fit into the profile of a UGrad candidate. You need to present a focused statement that tells the reviewer how you plan on making a difference in your country and how this program can be of help to you in that aspect. In fact, you should write about why it is personally important for you to achieve your goal of becoming a doctor. The "I want to help my country" part should just be the end result of that, not the focal point as it is in your essay.

You are not really being clear as to why you want to spend a semester in the USA. Think of more specific benefits such as being able to visit various teaching hospitals that can help you become a better doctor in the future. Or perhaps, explain that the educational institutions in your country do not really have the ability to teach you what you need to know in order to achieve your ambitions in life.

Remove the generic feel of your essay by focusing on yourself, your dreams, your ambitions, and your plans as to how you wish to achieve those things. Make sure to highlight how your experiences will help to add to the uniqueness of this batch of UGrad participants because of your special motivations, talent, or abilities. In other words, don't box yourself in by just filling in the blanks with general responses meant to simply fill in the word count. There is a difference between just filling the word count and making the words that you use count.

Writing Feedback / TOFEL: To finish a project single at one time or do several projects at same time? [2]

Ching, your representation of the prompt paraphrase is inaccurate and your paragraphs go beyond the maximum allowable of 5 sentence per paragraph. While your total essay is well within the 5 paragraph prompt requirement. It is important that you pay attention to these 2 errors in your writing because these comprise the reasons as to why you may not get a very good score in an actual test.

To begin with the paraphrasing, your presentation must not stray from the content and presentation of the original prompt. That means, you must write about your understanding of the prompt topic, as well as the discussion instruction within parameters similar to the original. Thus;

There are two schools of thought that exist when it comes to the completion of a project. Some people, manage to finish two projects simultaneously. While others, can only accomplish one project at a time. That is why there is a more common belief that it is better to work on completing one project before working on a new one. I find myself to be in agreement with the latter statement for a number of reasons which I will be discussing below.

The objective of the opening statement is for you to be able to immediately show off your English comprehension skills in relation to your LR, GRA, and C&C scoring considerations. If you can present a series of complex sentences and advanced vocabulary in the TA section of the test, you will have half the battle for a passing score completed. That is why I chose to present the given original prompt in this manner. By dividing your understanding of the prompt into topic sentences, you will manage to accomplish all 3 tasks in one movement.

I already mentioned that your paragraphs run too long. There is a 5 sentence maximum requirement for each paragraph so you need to be able to explain yourself using limited, but impressive English words. That is where your GRA and LR scoring considerations will be focused on. Keep it short but informative and you will increase your chances at a higher than average score in those sections.

Never present your concluding paragraph as one long run-on sentence as you did here. Each paragraph must be exactly that, composed of 3-5 individual sentences that help to close the essay. You are not, under any circumstance, allowed to present additional information in the concluding paragraph as you did here as that would constitute a continuing discussion rather than a closing statement. An effective concluding paragraph merely restates the prompt, summarizes the discussion points, and repeats your opinion in a new manner. That is all that the concluding paragraph requires as it is just an extra opportunity for you to highlight your English comprehension and GRA skills within the test.

Scholarship / 'A leader from the ground' Leadership Essay [CHEVENING] [3]

Nat, this essay will simply not do. The Chevening prompt is clear about the leadership requirement. It must be an experience that you gained during the accomplishment of your job / profession. It can never be related to a college experience because the leadership that is shown in that instance is one that takes place in a controlled setting where you have support coming from the teachers and other advisers to help you accomplish the leadership tasks. What the reviewer is looking or is a strength of character and a leadership ability that will prove that you have the ability to become an influential leader in your country. Your essay is very weak in that presentation because it relies on weak leadership experience. This essay cannot compete with the inclusion of that reference and will immediately end your quest for the Chevening scholarship the minute the reviewer reads the first few lines that you wrote. Remove the reference to the college task as soon as you can.

Bear in mind that you will up against some pretty impressive executives and leaders in their own right from various countries representing various industries. Their experience in this field will be far more diverse and important than a college based task. You need to come up to that international level of leadership and influence in order to even be considered for the scholarship. With that said, your professional reference is also very weak and does not represent the kind of strong leadership and influencing skill that you should be able to accomplish within your line of work.

Your professional experience does not show the international or advanced level of leadership and influencing required of a Chevening scholar. The whole essay is not going to be able to even catch the attention of the reviewer at this point. I strongly encourage you to read the other leadership application essays here and compare it with yours. That will help you to better understand the weakness of your essay and how you can improve it in order to create a stronger leadership experience for yourself.

At this point, what you discuss in your professional experience makes you appear as a greenhorn who doesn't really understand what leadership and influence upon his peers is supposed to accomplish. Your presentation makes it seem like you are chasing a job promotion, instead of a highly coveted international scholarship. The leadership experience is not about fun and easy tasks. It is about the strength of your character and analytical skills. It is about reflecting your positive mindset upon your subordinates so that they become inspired to help you accomplish the common team goal. It is not about impressing your manager by completing an exhibit booth. Don't make it sound easy because leadership and influencing of people is never easy. Just ask your supervisor or manager. You make it sound like a piece of cake. That is the wrong approach to take.

Writing Feedback / International fast food companies have spread their branches - junk food is available everywhere [5]

Aulia, this is an impressive attempt at writing an "extent" essay. Most students here have a hard time deciphering how such an essay should be written but you seem to have figured it out on your own. I bet you read the other extent essay samples here and learned from the advice given to them. It is clearly reflected in the manner that you discussed your essay. In as much as your essay is truly good in content, there are still a number of problems that exist with your writing.

First of all, the proper voice to be using in your writing should be present tense. The present tense usage indicates what the original prompt does. It continues the implication that this is a currently existing problem that needs to be addressed. Since the problem does not have any proposed or present solutions at the moment, then the present tense of words should be used.

Next, when you discuss your reasons, do not discuss 2 reasons in one paragraph. Allow yourself the opportunity to display your cohesiveness and cohesion in your writing by fully developing a complex presentation of one reason per paragraph. That way, your line of reasoning becomes more effective as you offer further evidence to support your claims in every paragraph.

Finally, in your concluding paragraph, do not hypothesize by using the word "seems". You have to be definite because this is an extent essay. Be definite in your paraphrasing of the topic, repeat your extent of belief in a new presentation, and summarize your reasons within 5 sentences in order to close the essay on a tremendously strong point.

Scholarship / QuestBridge Essay - An Intriguing Topic, Theory, or Concept That You Find Intriguing (500 words) [3]

Ayush, the last sentence in your essay that start with "And to think..." is actually not necessary in the essay as it weakens the closing paragraph that you wrote before it. That was already a strong enough closing statement that clearly ended the essay on a note that would have been highly impressive and memorable to the reviewer. So the last line was a bit of an overkill when you think about it. You already established that you got involved with number theory because you were unable to sleep. There is no sense in repeating it. The presentation is strong and shows that you have really thought things through in your presentation. However, I believe that since you established that the book interested you in number theory, you should go beyond the written page and perhaps, present the name of a number theorist who further inspired you to look into the possibilities of this study. That way, you create a continuing flow of interest and an evolving need for education in the field. It makes it all the more obvious that this is something that continues to spark your intellectual curiosity as your interest in the topic veers into more serious fields of interest in relation to it.

Writing Feedback / These days people pay more attention to artists (writers, painters, and so on) [3]

Tello, your whole approach to the essay is wrong. You did not understand the instruction sentence at the end that asked you to signify the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement with the essay. The extent is signified by words such as "I strongly oppose", "I strongly agree", "I partially agree", "I partially disagree", "I completely agree", "I completely disagree" at the end of your paraphrased opening statement. Then the second paragraph should indicate the reason why your opinion is such and the next 2 paragraphs should support the statement you just made. That is, unless you said "partly" in which case the 4th paragraph should explain the opposing reasons before you present your concluding paragraph. Since you did not accurately respond to the task instructions for the discussion, the essay that you presented became erroneous in content. That will be main reason why your essay will also receive a failing score. The minute you do not accurately represent the TA section, your essay cannot be deemed to be correct in discussion format and therefore, cannot be given a passing score. The minute that you failed to place an extent description in your thesis statement, the essay already failed.

Undergraduate / Peace Corps wants to assess your professionalism and maturity as a candidate [3]

TJ, sure you and Andrew, as partners will have a built in support system, but, what if the placement officer decides to assign you separately as they tend to do couples who are not yet married? Would you still want to be in the Peace Corps as volunteer then? Think about that possibility and address is in the essay. Additionally, your essay lacks evidence that you will be able to survive in the countries were Peace Corps volunteers are normally placed. The reviewer will be looking or evidence that you know how to "rough" it so to speak. Think "Survivor" meets "Amazing Race" in real life and there is no ticket to paradise as the end. Only more hardship, more adjustments, and more psychological demands upon you either with or without your partner. Remember, you could be assigned to a country where LGBT couples may not be accepted, how would you deal with such challenges? Do you have experience camping in the wilderness? Could you survive situations where there are no proper bathrooms, you won't have enough money to even buy a sandwich or a bottle of water, or worse, the rickety house you were given to live in caves in during a storm? Truth be told, the depiction that you have in this essay shows that you are looking a the life of a Peace Corps volunteer through rose colored glasses. There is nothing in the essay that can strengthen your application or your consideration since you even went to the extent of anchoring your application on a "couples" acceptance. I am advising you to rethink the content of your essay and develop a better one that shows you have the strength of character, cunning, and ability to survive in the most extreme of circumstances rather than the simple presentation that you have now. The sense of maturity, responsibility, and ability to adapt to any given situation is not present in your essay. There is no real sense of maturity in it. Consider the guide questions and suggestions that I provided and adjust your essay accordingly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Motivation for sports persons [6]

Tran, you did a very good representation of the topic for discussion in your opening paraphrase. It was excellent in the sense that you truly depicted the discussion without exaggerating and you also used enough English words to create complex sentences. Your vocabulary was good enough to be considered intermediate in use and score well in the LR section. So you are assured of a high score in the TA and LR section. However, your TA score will be prevented from reaching its highest possible score because your discussion outline accidentally began discussing the actual essay rather than simply introducing the opinion that you will be discussing. Your thesis statement should have been represented as follows:

It is my belief that the current motivation that the sports champions have sends a negative message and attitude to the young people who follow and participate in sports themselves.

The essay you wrote is good. However, the conclusion is composed of 2 sentences, one of which is a run-on. Divide all long sentences into topic sentences that will allow you to present at least 3 sentences in the paragraph so that you will be more aligned with the C&C presentation requirements for the concluding paragraph.

Undergraduate / My path. I am applying for UGRAD, someone review my statement. [7]

Hadiqa, in response to your question, you cannot exceed the word limit for the essay. If you are submitting this essay electronically, the program is designed to not let your application through if you exceed the word limit. You have to be at exactly 250 or produce at least 200 words for the essay to be accepted by the program for automatic submission. With that said, I am not sure which portions of the essay you can cut out. However, I believe that you can decide the portions to shorten or delete after I have offered my observations regarding your content in this thread. Let's get started.

A Global Ugrad essay needs to depict some specific requirements coming from the applicant. These specifications are as follows:

Your interests and personality
Your academic objectives
Your goals related to your field of study and personal development
The reasons why you wish to pursue them in the U.S.A and how it relates to your interests and future objectives

As you can see, the topic per paragraph is practically outlined in the instructions and yet your essay does not accurately reflect these requirements. You went for an abstract presentation, requiring the reviewer to analyze your essay for content and meaning. What you should have done was explain in detail how you qualify based upon the aforementioned questions.

The weakest parts of your essay are the opening statement and the reasons why you wish to study in the US. In the opening statement, you mentioned something about art and yet in the rest of the essay, you mention an interest in science. So which is it? If you will be focusing on science, then open the essay with a science reference to your personality. Narrow down your goals to only your personal success because trying to influence other parents to let their daughters study when they do not believe it is important for them to do is an idea that cannot be easily changed. That will not be changed even if you successfully complete your semester abroad.

Your interest for traveling to the US needs to be better developed to include the kind of contributions you can make to the group. Remember, this is going to be small group of foreign exchange students who are expected to bring an interesting, diverse, and learning experience as you exchange cultural and academic experiences during the year. What will your cultural contribution be and what do you hope to learn during your year abroad?

Base your revisions on the prompt guidelines for this essay that I provided. Once you write an essay that responds to those required discussion topics, then you will have an essay that you can submit with your application. Remember, don't go over 250 words.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing practice task 2 academic - Modern technology [4]

Hazy, when you create your opening statement, you need to align your presentation with the original prompt. That means, you only relate, in your own words, the meaning of the original prompt and the discussion instructions. You do not create your own sensationalist statement that deviates from the original presentation. Since this is your first post here, I can understand why you would make such a mistake. Let me show you how this opening statement should have been properly represented:

These days, people have been given unprecedented access to an open exchange and access to information. People believe that this is the result of the benefits stemming from modern technology. There are some people though who believe that this sort of uncontrolled access to information could result in a danger to our society. I share the same point of view and in this essay, I will be presenting information that will help to support my opinion.

You have to remember that the Task Accuracy score will be based upon your accurate representation of the original prompt. When you do not present a clear paraphrasing of that section, you could score a 1 in this section, which will result in a failed overall score. Make sure that you stick to the formula for the presentation in order to get an appropriate score. I am sure your tutor will teach you how to do this in the classes that you attend in preparation for the test. My sample applies only to this particular essay.

Now, when you mention your reasons by using numerical references, make sure to continue that throughout the essay. You said "The first point..." in the second paragraph. So the third paragraph should have started with "The second point..." or "The last point..." since you only presented 2 reasons in the essay. Be consistent in your presentation because that will be part of the GRA scoring considerations.

You need to learn to develop appropriate concluding paragraphs. That paragraph cannot be presented in only a single line or sentence. It is important that you use the last paragraph to present your ability to further paraphrase and summarize the essay information that you provided. The concluding paragraph should contain a restatement of the prompt, the discussion instructions, your reasons, and finally, a closing sentence reiterating your personal opinion on the matter.

Scholarship / Here is my essay`s answer for the leadership and influence for applying to a Chevening scholarship. [4]

Nicola, this is nothing like the required leadership and influencing essay response that should have been created in response to the Chevening prompt. What you wrote is something similar to a personal statement, which is more geared towards a college admission essay than a scholarship grant. It will be in your best interests to review the already completed essays for this Chevening prompt that are posted at this forum. Read the comments that were made for the improvement of those papers. Try to learn what mistakes they made and how it was corrected. Then do some personal review of your leadership and influencing skills based upon your profession. Make sure to address the required elements in your new essay and then post it as a new thread here for proper review. You should find that there will be a significant number of changes to your essay based upon the provided examples. For one, you need to show leadership instead of subordinate skills as you do in this essay. It is one thing to be loyal to your employer, it is another thing to be a leader in the function of your duties for your employer. That is one clue that I can give you for the revision of your essay. What your actual new draft should contain, will be based upon the leadership skills and influencing nature that you have exercised over your team mates or co-employees. Another suggestion is that you use actual work related leadership and influencing examples in your essay in order to better illustrate your role as a leader and influential figure in your place of work. These suggested presentations should help you better align your response towards the required prompt elements.

Scholarship / After coming to Korea, I will focus more on practicing speaking and listening - Essay for KGSP 2018 [2]

Farah, this is an impressive study plan for Hangul. I am just wondering if you think that your English is so perfect already that you are not including it in your study plans for foreign languages even though it is mentioned in the prompt? While you do have a strong command of the English language, it is far from being perfect at a native speaker level. You are definitely at an advanced level but nothing more than that. With that observation of your language skills in mind, I think that you should plan to continue to grow your English language skills as well before and after you get to Korea. Don't just rely on writing your blog in English and Korean for the English language development part. You should include at least 2 paragraphs that will explain how you plan to develop your English skills as well since English is practically the lingua franca of the world and therefore, will be of use to you while you are in Korea and you find yourself in situations where your Hangul communication skills are still wanting or not clear to the person you are speaking to.

Scholarship / Challenge plus Creativity (my personal statement for Korean Government Scholarship Undergraduate) [2]

Norshahida, it seems that you only read the last 3 requirements for the essay and that is what you responded to in your writing. There is no true motivation for the major that you wish to enroll in aside from you wanting to study abroad so fervently that when your local scholarship fell through, you sought out another scholarship, any scholarship for that matter and you settled for the KGSP scholarship. The motivation needs to be stronger than that. You need to show that your motivation to study (a business degree?) is tied in with something uniquely Korean. Perhaps you want to learn what makes Korean businessmen successful where ever in the world that they set up their business. Perhaps you would like to experience a Korean education because you have had an interest in Korean society since the emergence of the Korean Wave, or anything similar to that which will tie in your educational interests with an interest in Korea as well.

You are not properly referring to your family background either aside from the mere mention that you have a father and mother. There needs to be a presentation of how your parents inspired your educational interests or professional desires Who else aside from your parents have served as a role model to you in this line of work? Why haven't you mentioned these people in greater detail? There is a whole section of the prompt dedicated to just those people and you neglected to discuss them as well. You must definitely correct that error.

There is a clear and highly impressive reference in your essay to your extra curricular activities, awards, and educational background. In fact, the presentation of those portions are so long and detailed that it made the paper boring at times. You need to balance the presentation by accurately representing all the required information and keeping the other aspects, such as those in this existing version of your essay, short but informative. You should remove the reference as to why you delayed your application because that is not required information and your essay is already running massively long as it is.

Scholarship / LEADERSHIP - How to fulfill this requirement, citing examples. [4]

Juliana, the essay should not lose sight of the necessary information which is your leadership skills. While I understand that you had to work with a team at your office in order to get project done, you were not part of the team as a fellow subordinate. You were the team leader and therefore, your focus should have been on illustrating how you led the team towards the successful completion of these projects. This is one time when "we" should simply by "I". Explain how you led the team during the completion of this project. What kind of influencing skills did you need to use in order to get the project completed. Focus on only one project, its difficulties, the work that needed to be done, the influence you had to exert on your people and why, along with the successful outcome of the project due to your diligence, leadership, and hard work. You need to justify how this leadership skill has prepared you to be future leader and influential person in your country upon your return. That is the kind of quality, character trait, and ability that the reviewer will be searching for in you as a candidate.

The part about having friends in a different company, take that out of this essay. That is more applicable as a networking examples in the networking essay. Place that discussion there instead. The focus of the essay should solely be on your professional leadership skills up to the present time. The reference to your leadership as a family member and friend is not applicable in this instance because it comes across as shallow and self centered. Refocus the essay in the manner described above so that it will better respond to the prompt requirements.

Research Papers / A short evaluation report on an given proposal - solar cap [2]

Lu, I do not agree that this solar cap should not be shortlisted. It has the potential to be a well developed project once the adjustments based upon your observations have been completed. I do not consider this solar cap to be an impractical solution because it can work for a number of individuals who practice cross training, train for marathons, and hikers as an alternative charging solution for their mobile phones and other gadgets. You are thinking too narrowly in terms of possible applications because you are focused only on the daily and common routine of people. You have to see this project in terms of a niche product that could very well be applied to various situations. The solar cap can even have military applications for soldiers out in the front lines or in the line of fire where electricity may be scarce and electrical charging situations may be dangerous. In fact, I believe that this project should be shortlisted for its future potential as an alternative energy source. I suggest that you review the possible applications of the product along with the current applications. You may find that it has greater potential than you originally thought.

Essays / How to write a short-term scholarship essay ? (reasons why you want to study in japan in the future) [2]

Daffaliska, you will only be able to accurately respond to the prompt if you actually have an interest in Japan, its people, its culture, and its potential as a teaching instrument in your future career. I suggest that you do research for now. Familiarize yourself with the history of the country, its emperor traditions, its role in WW2 and how Japan has evolved from recovering from the ruins of war to its current status as a world leader in economics, electronics, technology, and other fields. Focus your research on your field of interest for the short term scholarship. Learn what Japan has to offer in that particular field that would of interest to you to learn about and train in. Why would studying in Japan for that field be of benefit to you? What trend setting technology or contribution has Japan made in the field that makes the country and its universities the perfect choice for your additional academic learning? You don't need to draft your essay immediately. You need to get familiar with Japan and the field of interest that you would like to get a scholarship for first. If you do not properly accomplish those research requirements, then you will find it hard to write this essay even though it is only 2 pages long.

Writing Feedback / Is it the right time for wildlife preservation? task2 [4]

Fiza, you did not understand the prompt. When a discussion about socioeconomics is called into play, you are asked to consider the expense of having to preserve nature against the amount of money that it takes to develop the society that we live in. For example, if a country spends 50 million on building roadways, hospitals, schools, and other social necessities for humans, one can say that the country is spending the money properly on socioeconomics. However, there is still a need to preserve nature in the sense that it brings a balance to the life of man on the planet. However, in order to protect the forests and endangered species of animals, the government would have to spend 100 million on nature and wildlife preservation. Do you think that is an equal amount of spending on the social and natural demands of living? The socioeconomic aspect of the discussion should be looked at and reviewed along those lines. The expense of one when compared to the cost of the other. Since world economics proves to be quite difficult to maintain these days, is it still proper to spend additionally on wildlife preservation? That is the discussion that you have to present. It is about dollars and cents. Not about ways and means of preserving animal habitats.

Writing Feedback / Tertiary education is becoming an increasingly popular choice among high school graduates [5]

Chau, your prompt paraphrasing is inaccurate and contains exaggerations that do not have a place in the discussion. You make it sound like a war is about to erupt over the discussion of tertiary education when the original prompt does not imply such a thing. It only represents a discussion. There is no "verge of war" as connoted by the term "uprising argument". Your response also does not represent a "degree" of disagreement with the previous statement. Please refer to the following proper example for future reference:

There is a belief that it is no longer useful for a country to provide student slots for its citizens in college. The common opinion is that this is no longer possible. I strongly disapprove of this sentiment for a number of reasons.

After the proper paraphrase is introduced, the discussion in the same vein may then follow. Your body for the discussion is right on the mark but your concluding statement is not. You should have discussed that additional information in the 3rd body of paragraph rather than in the conclusion because the conclusion is used only to close the discussion by presenting a summary of the information you provided in the opening statement and reasons from the body of paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / An increasing number of people are concerned about the benefits of studying the past in schools [4]

Hoang, you misunderstood the prompt requirement. You are not discussing the correct information based upon the original prompt presentation. Your overall score for this essay will be 1 because of the obvious inability to understand English instructions. Here is the correct prompt restatement and subsequent start of the body of paragraphs in relation to the original prompt.

There are a number of people who believe that studying history does not pose any benefits to the students of today. I, on the other hand, believe that there is still a significant importance and value to the study of history. It is my belief that there will be negative effects upon the children of today if they do not learn about their past in the form of history lessons. In this essay, I will explain 3 negative effects that can occur if the young students of today are prevented from becoming familiar with historical facts and figures.

For starters, a negative effect of the lack of history teaching can be seen in...

Additionally, if a student is prevented from such learning...

Considering that the study of history helps to prevent...

These are the reasons why I concluded that the lack of historical study can result in...

Compare what you wrote with the format I provided and you will easily see the prompt deviation on your part that resulted in a mistaken prompt discussion. It is important that you understand the prompt before you even begin to draft the essay. I cannot repeat this instruction often enough to the reviewers here. Always ask questions when you don't understand the prompt. You have the chance to improve your English comprehension skills while you are still reviewing so take advantage of the situation. If you don't then you will risk receiving a failing score during the actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 -- the comparisons among the sales of two Fairtrade-labelled goods [3]

Lee, your essay is lacking an accurate overview of the information provided in the essay. The trending statement is not very accurately presented as it does not include any supporting information within it. Let me put it this way, the most accurate way of representing the opening statement of your essay would have been to provide the expected information in the summary overview. The summary overview can be included in any section of the essay. However, most test takers have found that it would be better for your TA score if you provide an accurate summary and discussion outline within the first paragraph of the essay. The information in that paragraph should be based upon the discussion topic and outline as supplied in the original prompt. A more accurate representation that could increase your score from the very first paragraph is as follows:

Two tables were provided for comparison and analysis in this essay. The products indicated for this purpose were coffee and bananas. The information showcases the sales of the two aforementioned Fairtrade items in 1999 and 2004 from the countries of UK, Denmark Switzerland, Belgiuim, and Sweden. This summary report shall indicate relevant information and comparison points whenever required.

Notice how the paraphrase of the original prompt was completed in an accurate manner with the incorporation of advanced English vocabulary and complex sentences. Presentations such as these indicate a higher level of understanding of the required essay elements and will result in a higher TA score. Once you get a high score in your TA presentation, the rest of the criteria will most likely also be score on a similar higher scale.

In this instance, a trending presentation is not important as there are different trending considerations to be presented. However, since you do have a trending statement in your original presentation, then that should have been presented towards the end of the report, with an accurate 3 sentence minimum development for a complete paragraph presentation.

Writing Feedback / FOR QUESTBRIDGE: The Christmas Present that Got Away [3]

Joyce, there is no risk or ethical dilemma in this essay that you wrote. This is in fact, an essay that does not belong to this prompt. Maybe you would like to consider changing it to one of the other common app prompts? I would suggest changing the prompt from this current one to the following:

Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

The reason that I asked you to consider this prompt first is because of the "background" reference. I believe that this story will safely show off a background in relation to yourself and your family that the other prompt requirements may not have allowed you share. If you don't feel comfortable using the prompt I presented, or, if you would just rather use the open topic essay for this written work then go ahead and do that. You will just have to come up with your own prompt requirement in relation to your written essay though. Whichever prompt you choose to use between the two that I suggested will work for the essay that you developed.

Writing Feedback / Telecommuting allows employer to cut costs [3]

Renzo, your statement has time reference issues. It appears that you are using a future tense voice in the discussion related to telecommuting. As such, you need to be consistent and present all of your time related words in its past format. Therefore, this statement should have been written as:

Telecommuting allows employers to cut costs. These costs could be drastically reduced once the employer rents a small office. The smaller space is logical since the employer will have fewer office staff. Less equipment will also be required for the daily operations. It will be easier to manage such a company size due to the minimal working staff required to run the office.

You need to be clear about the timeline you are writing about. In this essay, there was a tendency for the reader to be confused because you mixed up the past, present, and future tenses of your references. That can easily be avoided by first deciding on the timeline that the essay will be presenting and then writing the essay in that reference format.

Scholarship / Need your kind attention to review my response to Chevening Scholarship question. [4]

Tanveer, the essay is improperly formatted and presented. The university discussion needs to be individualized. That means you have to present each university in a separate paragraph, then you need to provide the official name of the specific course that you will be enrolling in (if it varies from the other 2 titles that you indicated), what made you interested in this program in this university (e.g. mentoring program, internship, the chance to do research based upon the problems of your country, etc.), and what qualifications you have gained professionally that will ensure your success in this program. Do not discuss it in general terms as you have done so now. You cannot collectively discuss the universities, its offerings, and your qualifications because each university has a specific set of student expectations just as you have varying expectations for the university curriculum as well.

The reviewer needs to know that you have done accurate and thorough research on the university offerings and that you know what you are getting into once you are accepted into the program. Each university has a unique educational offering that you can benefit from. Look for those differences, highlight that in the paragraph for that university, then explain why it will help you become a better construction manager once you return to your home country based upon your professional experiences or college background.

This is the standard and expected approach for this essay as the scholarship committee needs to have an idea as to why you feel that you will succeed as a student in the UK in one of their leading universities. This essay will help them determine the possible rate of your success as a Chevening scholar in your field of interest as well.

Writing Feedback / People will have rewarding and life enriching experiences when they have a chance of studying abroad [3]

My, your opening statement is inconsistent. The first sentence does not make any sense. Aside from that, your paragraph is under the minimum 3 sentence requirement so this tells me that there is a missing representation, normally in relation to the manner of essay discussion, that is missing from the essay. Let me show you a more understandable version of your first sentence:

Students always dream of studying abroad. Most of the students that dream of this are the ones who wish to get away from their daily comfort zone. These students have a tendency to want to learn from the practical benefits of living abroad. However, despite the advantages of studying abroad, there is also a disadvantage to this act. This essay will discuss one advantage and disadvantage in relation to studying abroad.

In your second and third paragraphs, you mention that there are various reasons that deliver an advantage or disadvantage for studying abroad. Since you have a sentence and paragraph limited essay, you must focus on discussing only one valid reason per paragraph. Do not try to mention too many as you do here because that limits your ability to be able to develop the discussion in a manner that truly informs the reader. It is not the number of reasons that you can give that matters. What matters is the degree of understanding that the reader can have coming out of your paragraph.

You need to learn how to develop your concluding paragraph in a manner similar to the presentation of an opening paragraph. The biggest difference being, you have to present a summary of the previously completed discussion in order to meet the sentence requirement. You can't send in new information at that point, there isn't any sentence allotment left to successfully complete that act in a conclusion.

Graduate / Draft Academic Statement of Purpose for School of Information Univ. of Michigan [4]

Rindang, you should also work on creating a more personalized approach to the discussion. At this point, your essay sounds more like a research paper with only the references and in-text citations missing from the document. Since the approach you are being asked to take in terms of the discussion involves your own reflection on your academic abilities, experiences, and personal qualities, as well as the option to add comments from your readings, observation in addition to the information you got from your readings and other sources, I would have to say that the essay you wrote needs to be revised with regards to its approach to the discussion as well. Sure you covered all of the commonly known information and problems, that doesn't help the essay stand out. Try to define your responses to the given prompt guides in terms of your personal point of view. By taking ownership of your statements in terms that reflect an understanding on your part of the problems that face the practitioners in this field, and some possible solutions that you hope to bring to the table after you undergo this advanced academic training, you should be able to develop a more impressive, concise, and coherent presentation of your responses. This essay is all about you so discuss all of the prompts in a manner that reflects your thoughts and your voice based upon what you have learned and experienced. It this this learning and experience that will help draw the attention of the reader to your potential as a masters degree student in the university.

Additionally, since you have a 6 page maximum on the required pages for submission, I would not advise you to turn in a full 6 page document. If you review your essay, you should find that there are shorter ways of expressing yourself, which would be a plus for you in the long run because the reviewer would appreciate well developed papers. If you can say it all clearly within 4-5 pages, then by all means, do so. 6 pages might be a stretch for you to fill. I noticed that in this version, you struggled to add content to your essay towards the end. By the way, try to expand a bit more on your contribution to the university discussion. That should not be a mere afterthought as it seems to appear in this essay. Think of it this way, how can you enhance the student experience at the university based upon your professional experience and previous academic experience in a related field. Maybe consider contributions you can make to the academic and social side of the student community so that you can fully express how you can help to create a more diverse and inclusive campus during your time as a masters student at the university.

Writing Feedback / Some people may get specific traits or skills by born or it can be achieved only by practice? [4]

FiZa, an accurate review of your essay cannot be completed as your original prompt posting does not include the discussion instruction sentence. Without it, I cannot properly determine whether or not you have properly understood the discussion topic and the discussion method that must be referred to in the essay. This is an integral part of determining your TA score which means that without it, the first score of your essay, which will be the basis of the remaining 3 criteria, cannot be assigned. What I can tell you though is this, your opening statement is so incoherent and lacking in cohesiveness that there is absolutely no way it can be considered as a proper representation of the original prompt discussion and its requirements. Since your opening statement is incomprehensible, it is safe to assume that the essay will fail the TA section in an actual setting. You presented a series of phrases and sentences that do not have an appropriate subject for the sentence to the reader. These faults are serious and will definitely bring your score down to a non-passing level. You must always do your best to fully and accurately represent the original prompt discussion in the opening statement. When you fail to do that, then the rest of your essay score will be in danger of failing as well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 (About the distance-learning programs) [2]

Wei, this is an essay discussion that requires you to deliver an emotional response to the "extent" discussion. That means, you need to use adjectives or descriptive words in order to highlight the degree of your agreement or disagreement with the given topic. Some of the adjectives you can use are strongly, partially, totally, to a certain extent, and other similarly themed words. Depending upon the degree of the adjective that you use, you may or may not need to discuss one or 2 opinions in the essay. In this instance, you said that you simply agree with the statement. That is a partially incorrect response as it lacks the descriptive adjective to make it a valid prompt response. Since you used the singular form of agreement, you should not have discussed 2 points of view in the essay. You should have only discussed one. The only time that you can discuss 2 sides of the issue in support of your agreement or disagreement with a given statement is when you use the term "partially" or "to a certain extent" in order to describe your agreement or disagreement with the statement. Based upon this error, the essay may be said to have only partially discussed the prompt requirements and should receive a barely passing score in an actual setting.