Writing Feedback / More public parks or sports facilities should be built in new towns rather than shopping centers? [3]

Nhung, when the essay asks for the "extent" of your agreement / disagreement with the essay, you must include a sense of emotion in your presentation. That means, you need to use terms like "strongly, partially, totally," and other descriptive terms that follow the same lines. To simply say that you "agree" with the point being discussed means you are discussing a different essay. There is an essay that asks you to simply agree / disagree, and then there are essays like these, which require you to discuss an expanded version of your opinion. So, if you say that you "partially agree" with the points being made and conclude the sentence with "several reasons", then you can discuss both sides of the essay. Otherwise, you must only discuss one side of the essay, the side that you support.

While you can discuss both sides of the essay in an "extent" essay, the best type of essay response in this area is one that has a strong opinion regarding one side of the discussion. That is because the single sided discussion shows a conviction of character and a thorough understanding of the prompt requirements. Such a discussion also allows the writer to create more completely developed paragraphs and complex sentences with better vocabulary usage. It is important that you discuss the essay from your strongest suit and that can only be done by using the one sided "extent" discussion. It is the lack of proper reference to the response required that made this otherwise strong essay a weak one.

The closing paragraph, which did not accurately represent the summary of the discussion, points for consideration, and a restatement of your opinion further weakened the essay. You should have aimed to present 3 sentences in the conclusion in order to properly address the complete paragraph requirement of the essay. It is better to write 3 - 5 sentences individually than to risk creating run-on sentences that could lower your score. You created a run on sentence in your closing paragraph, which means you would be getting points deducted in the end.

Writing Feedback / Citizens, businesses as well as government are major responsible for environmental improvement. [2]

Thanh, what is the complete prompt requirement for this essay? You provided us with only a partial prompt that covers the topic for the discussion but not the discussion method. I can't really say if you did an appropriate job on this essay without the complete prompt. Your opening statement does not seem to follow the correct prompt topic that was given to you and the discussion method you are using does not seem appropriate for the topic presented. Normally, essays based on this topic only focus on the government responsibility and not the human responsibility. You need to double check your prompt and make sure that you did not change the prompt accidentally and in the process, changed the discussion format as well. If you did accidentally do that, then this essay automatically fails in terms of TA considerations.

You did not bother to double check your grammar usage. There are misused terms in the essay that will lower your GRA score. Some of these mistakes are "save out nature", which should have been "save our natural..." Spelling errors also abound such as :

anual - annual
controling - controlling

You need to learn to proof read your essay before submission. Pay particular attention to your spelling concerns because the misspelled words will force a lower LR score for your work. When all of your errors are combined, these can result in your essay getting a failing score when the overall scoring is considered.

Scholarship / Learning Korean language is necessary for taking a bachelor's degree in this country [3]

Mohja, if you already scored so well during your Korean test in the learning center, and you have the certificate to prove it, then I don't see why you are wasting your time discussing how you will improve your Korean language skills when you should be focusing on taking the TOPIK test instead. By at least implying that you are hoping to take the qualifying test before you go to Korea, you add to the importance of the continued education that you are implementing for yourself regarding the Korean language.It must be clear that you are making preparations this early to take the TOPIK test. For example, you can indicate that you have joined Korean chat rooms online so you can practice your written Korean and, whenever possible, you try to video chat with other Koreans in order to polish your spoken Hangul. This will indicate that your Korean level, upon arriving in Korea for the language training part will at least be above the basic Korean level, which is what you are implying by your exam score, even though it is not TOPIK related yet. You need to make a reference to how you will continue to improve your Korean language training after your graduation as well. That is a requirement of the essay instructions so try to refer to that in at least 3 sentences if you can. Try to develop your English preparation paragraph in a somewhat similar level to your Korean preparation paragraphs. That way you bring a balance to the discussion. Right now, there is an imbalance in the discussion that has made your preparations for English language training suffer in comparison to the Hangul preparations. It is obvious that the prompt requires you to balance the discussion so balance the references that you make to the English based activities that you have. Don't limit it to one paragraph. Try to discuss it in 2 paragraphs. One for written English and one for spoken English. That way you give equal importance to your English language learning as well.

Writing Feedback / [TASK 1] Changes planned for a town center. [2]

Phuong, this is a compare and contrast reporting essay. Therefore, the essay should have come in with 4 paragraphs at the most using the following outline:

1. Outline summary that includes the instructions for the discussion based upon the provided image and the trend that exists within the two diagrams.
2. Description of image 1
3. Description of image 2
4. Comparison analysis

When you are dealing with 2 images, always make sure to indicate which image you are referring to in the paragraph. You can say something as simple as "In the first image..." or "The top image..." to indicate the position of the image that you are writing about. This will also help the reader to keep track of the discussion you are presenting. If there are similar points to be found in the image, save that for the last part of the discussion so that you can create a more interesting and informative presentation for the reader.

In general, the score for this essay will be 4, regardless of the criteria. That is because you did not accurately summarize the report, there are inconsistencies in your reporting as you do not identify the illustrations you are discussing, and your sentences are simple enough to be understood, but not really complex enough to show off an advanced English writing skill.

Writing Feedback / Culture - expansion of International media has negative or positive impacts on cultural diversity [2]

Pham, did you mean to say "same" not "sane"? "Same" means similar or no difference. "Sane" means not mentally ill. Always double check your original prompt postings to make sure that you did not misspell a word. Once you make a mistake in the original prompt, it will become difficult for me to review your essay for content and prompt responsiveness. I will assume, in this instance that you mean "same" and not "sane". The essay that you wrote doesn't really align itself with a cultural diversity discussion. You were more focused on a discussion of how international media now shares information quickly among various settings. Therefore, the essay doesn't really respond to the prompt in the proper manner. It appears that your discussion is totally different from the original prompt. In fact, I could not find a single reference to the original prompt in any of your paragraphs which, seem to be discussing its own prompt instead. I strongly believe that you misunderstood the prompt requirements and as such, could not accurately discuss the essay requirements. Therefore, this essay will get a failing score in the actual test.

Undergraduate / UChicago required question. My body and my mind reside in parallel universes. [3]

Gunja, this essay is nowhere near UChicago ready. This is nothing more than a draft essay that is not really directed towards the requirements of the essay. The prompt has a specific requirement. You have to show that you are familiar with the demands that UChicago makes upon its students. That means, discussing the course curriculum of your major and why you were drawn the syllabus as it exists at Uchicago, what program offerings the university provides that fits directly with your interests in this field or your desired training process. Think in terms of building your life as a student and an individual while you are at the university. Based upon what you know of the student community, how do you think you will fare in it? Why would you become an asset to the university? Does the university hold the promise for your future? If so, what promise do you think that is and how do you hope to achieve it as a student at UChicago? The focus of the essay is not you as in a personal statement. It has to focus equally on you and the considerations that you have for choosing this university. The questions I provided you should help you get started on creating a more appropriate new draft. Consider all of the questions provided in the prompt and make sure to tailor your response to those requirements.

Writing Feedback / The portion of those who own devices by four different categories in Vietnam during 6-year period [6]

Gia, in response to your first question, there is now way that this essay can be accurately scored because of the missing image. Without the image, there is no way we can compare your report with the requirements of the analytical presentation. That said though, I can tell you that this essay is not going to score very well based upon its current form. That is because you did not create separate paragraph discussions for the information that you are presenting. A task 1 essay is expected to be anywhere from 3-4 paragraphs in length, composed of 5 sentences at the maximum, each. That formatting problem already created a problem for you in terms of the TA of your essay as it doesn't follow the required presentation format.

The decision to create a combined introduction and overview or separate presentation of the two is actually something that is up to the writer. There is no right or wrong way of writing that part, only a more accurate way of doing so that will help the test taker to gain a better overall score. Although, combining the two sections into one paragraph usually results in a higher scoring consideration in the end.

Writing Feedback / A lot of people still smoke all over the world - they do not care about health warnings [3]

Thuong, if not for the mistake that you made in the opening paraphrase and the improper concluding statement at the end, the essay would have been perfect. The body paragraphs that you presented for the discussion of the problem causes and the possible solutions was quite acceptable. Those parts showed a clear understanding of the topic and that you had some pretty good ideas in terms of causes and solutions. That is why I was very disappointed to read the faulty opening statement and concluding paragraph. Let me show you an example of a properly developed opening statement:

Smokers all over the world refuse to stop smoking even though there have been countless health warnings regarding the dangers of the said activity. There are several reasons as to why we should be concerned about this alarming trend. This essay will look at the reasons that smoking continues to be a popular activity across the world and what possible solutions might be presented in order to curb the smoking epidemic.

In your version, you actually did some research and presented figures relating to the epidemic. These are unnecessary in this sort of essay. You should only present an opening statement based upon the previously supplied facts from the original prompt. Just explain the essay topic and discussion type in your own understanding. It doesn't need to be perfect, but it needs to be closer to the original at all cost.

The concluding statement contains both additional information and your personal opinion regarding the topic. These are not parts of a concluding paragraph. Rather, these are parts of a new paragraph discussion. The closing statement must only present a summary presentation of the discussion that you presented and the solution that you propose, nothing more.

Scholarship / Mathematics - Personal Statement of KGSP : Motivations, Background, Risk, Experience etc. [2]

Hinata, the first thing that you have to do is change the format of your presentation. It must be in a complete essay format, not in an outline form that you have at the moment. The essay prompt from the application form should have shown you how to chronologically place the information in the essay. The information about BlackPink is misplaced in the essay. In fact, it does not have any bearing on any of the topic discussion requirements of the essay and should instead be removed. That is, unless you want to use that information to show that their existence and your admiration for the group are the main reason that you were motivated to apply for this scholarship. However, I would caution you against that because it is pretty trivial as a reason. Your motivations should be related to the educational system of Korea and how it differs from your own country. Specifically in terms of the way that your choice of college major is taught in your country when compared to the Korean method of education. When you speak of the organizations you were a part of in high school, you need to explain what the objective of these organizations are because the reviewer doesn't know about them and would be lost upon reading the activities that you are presenting. He won't know the importance of the organization unless you tell them about it. Everything else in the essay seems applicable. You may figure out where you have to make adjustments yourself as you edit and revise the content of your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 (Population of people using different languages online) [3]

Dian, this essay severely lacks the proper format for an IELTS Task 1 essay. You do not have any summary overview indicated in the essay and believe me, I checked for it at the start, in the middle, and at the end of the essay because, as you should know, the summary overview can be located in any part of the essay. Yet your essay did not have it. Therefore, the presentation of the summarized information is faulty. The information that was given to you before the graph and chart contained the overview information that should have been first presented in order to create your discussion outline. The format of your summary overview, which would have been scored as part of the TA section is as follows:

There are two illustrations provided for analysis. The first, is a pie chart that indicates the number of people online who use various languages. While the table shows how many people are online on a yearly basis. This essay will examine both sets of information and present it to the reader. The information presented will be based upon the presentation of the main features of the pie chart and table. Along with these information, similarities will also be discussed whenever appropriate.

Based on the previous prompt instructions, the method of discussion and information to be presented is clear. Your essay does not create any separation between the table and the pie chart information, which should have been clearly indicated at the start of each paragraph. There are also missing comparison notes based upon the similarities of the two illustrations. More importantly, you failed to indicate the date that the information was collected which was in December 2001. Any missing information creates an inaccurate report summary on your part and provides faulty information to the reader. Based on these two problem points alone it will be impossible for your essay to get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / ISSUE:-think on task rather than worry about result [5]

Shraddha, it would seem that you are trying to just write a grammar practice essay. There is no clear prompt, there are no required discussion elements. Am I right in assuming that you wrote this essay just for practice? If that is the case then you did not do a very bad job. The worst part of your essay, is the first paragraph. That is because there is no clear thought process involved in your presentation. There are a number of topics presented that could have been the prompt topic. However, you failed to make the actual topic clear until the very end of that paragraph. It is important that you learn how to create a discussion outline for the benefit of your reader, regardless of the number of topics that you hope to discuss within the essay. It would be best if you only outlined one topic for discussion.

In the outline, make the sentiment clear. What is this essay going to be about? How do you plan to discuss it? How many paragraphs do you plan on presenting? Your reader has to be clear from the very start about where this essay starts and how it might or is supposed to end. In this essay, you had a tendency to run long in your paragraphs because you tried to write more words rather than focusing on making yourself understood. You do not need to use complex words that do not help you to make your sentences clearer. You can use simple words, expand on your explanation, and get the same results.

Graduate / Choosing Masters in Australia - such a multi - cultural and forward thinking country [5]

Yaseer, this sounds more like the beginnings of a statement of purpose rather than a personal statement. The focus of your essay is too much career driven and details information that is normally located in the SOP. That said, it would be in your best interest to try and develop a new, more personal statement focused essay. In the revised version, you need to state what your ultimate career goal is. When did you first realize that you wanted to become an investment banker? What makes you think that you have the traits of a successful banker? Detail those traits in the personal statement. Then, follow it up with the reasons why you chose this university. Aside from wanting to study in Australia, you need to focus on the university and the reasons why you feel that they can respond to your needs in terms of internship training, courses for study, and relevant experiences. Remember, your own country has universities that offer the same masters courses. So why would you want to go all the way to Australia to do that? Justify your reasons for opting to study in an Australian university and that should complete the essay. This current essay, you can develop further as your statement of purpose instead.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Technology has made the world a better place [4]

Tuan, your essay will fail in an actual test because you did not follow the discussion instruction. You were being asked to agree or disagree with the essay. Instead of saying "I agree / disagree", you said "in my opinion", which is not what the original prompt is asking for in the discussion. In the opening paraphrase, you are required to present, not only your understanding of the topic for discussion, but also a response to the instruction that is given for the development of the presentation. Since you did not post the original prompt prior to your response, I am unable to accurately assess what a more appropriate way of representing the discussion would have been. I cannot rely only on the discussion instruction for your essay assessment, I need also need the full topic presentation in its original form in order to help you. Even without that though, I can tell you that your essay will definitely fail in the TA portion because you did not properly represent the discussion instruction you were provided with.

Even worse, is that you proceeded to discuss a comparison essay when you should have focused only on the reasons as to why you agree or disagree with the statement. One response, "I agree / disagree" accompanied by 2 reasons that justify your position on the matter. Towards the end, you even began to discuss the advantage and disadvantages of the issue, which further drove a discussion of a totally different prompt in this essay. The final score for this will definitely not be one that is even near a passing score.

Writing Feedback / The park is place we like to go when we want to relax. Observation Descriptave Essay [3]

Mackenzie, I can see why your teacher told you that something was missing from the essay. It was highly descriptive in a visual way. However, an observation / descriptive essay needs more than just a visual representation. You need to engage all the 5 senses of a human body when you write these essays. The smell of the night time air, the feel of the setting sun on your skin, the people having a picnic, the man having coffee on a bench nearby, all of these are part of a descriptive essay. Think outside of the box as you write this. Consider that you were seeing things unfolding before your eyes but you did not allow your imagination to soar. You merely stated what was obvious. There was no creativity to the presentation. You went for factual presentations when you were required to use your imagination in order to make this park, and the way that various people relax when they are there, come to life in the mind of the reader. You could have said something like;

As I stepped off my moped and walked towards the park entrance, the smell of corn dogs coming from the hot dog stand near the ticket booth filled my senses. Although I had just had lunch, I found myself heading for the hot dog stand for what I consider the be the best comfort food around. I had just gotten the results of my math test earlier that day and I was feeling low. I did not know how to tell my mom I had failed yet another test. So I came to the park instead of heading home. Hoping to find some clarity and peace by watching other people in the park. The corn dog, was just a bonus as far as I was concerned. The corn dog and the park, the two things in my life that are always sure to bring to a zen like sense of relaxation and fulfillment.

See the descriptiveness in the paragraph? That is what you are aiming for. That is what your teacher is also looking for. There are some grammar and punctuation errors in the essay you wrote. Had you typed the document in Word 10 or used an online grammar checker, that would have been caught and immediately correct. I suggest you do that when you revise the essay.

Writing Feedback / Family - Men or Women take responsibility in raising children [3]

Pham, without the actual prompt requirement that you are responding to for comparison purposes, I cannot authoritatively say that you did good work on this essay. This forum requires the original prompt requirement from the practice test, and the test name in order for a contributor to accurately consider the type of work that you did based upon preset conditions.

Your opening statement lacks the subject in the last sentence. You have the verb "totally agree" but no subject (totally agree with what?). This causes immense confusion for the reader, who already does not have a clear idea as to what the prompt statement is and what sort of discussion is required.

Your paragraph lengths are inconsistent. The second paragraph goes beyond the paragraph maximum sentence requirement of 5 sentences. Learn to say more with less sentences. The key is to show off your English writing skills in a manner that proves you can think and write in English using as few words as possible. That is why there is a maximum sentence and minimum word count requirement per essay.

The fourth and fifth paragraphs lack the minimum 3 sentence requirement. Please make sure to always present complete paragraphs or risk losing Coherence and Cohesiveness points in the final scoring.

I could have offered a more complete review if you had given the original prompt along with your response. Please do so in the next essay so that you can get the full benefit of essay reviews from me as a contributor.

Writing Feedback / Urban areas and living space shortage - essay check [2]

Ngan, are you writing this essay for a TOEFL or IELTS practice test? My assessment of your essay usually depends upon the specific requirements of the test you are taking. In this instance, I will just review your work on a general basis. For starters, regardless of whether this is for an English test or for a formal research paper, your thesis statement should always be at least 3 sentences in order to qualify for a paragraph. Always aim to write full sentences in order to prove your English skills. That means, your paraphrased paragraph will never be less than 3 sentences but no more than 5 in any given instance.

Do not try to present too many reasons in one paragraph. When given a plural reason presentation, stick to only 2 reasons. That way you can use one paragraph to present the reasons, in a connected manner while having the later part of that paragraph transition into your next discussion in a more accurate manner. If you don't prepare your reader for the next paragraph with a transition sentence, your cohesiveness and coherence presentation will not be considered as effective.

Try to develop a better concluding paragraph by fully developing a prompt restatement, summary of your discussion points, and a closing sentence. 3 sentences means you have tried to put a spotlight on your English grammar abilities, any less and you are rushing through the essay and not really paying attention to what you are writing.

Scholarship / KGSP scholarship to become one of the best film editors [3]

Timi, this is one extremely difficult to read personal statement. You did not even bother to format the paragraphs in the proper manner. This has caused undue stress on the part of the reader and has made it very hard to keep track of the information you are trying to present. By the way, the information you are presenting doesn't really follow the personal statement requirements of the KGSP Undergraduate essay. While you did present the required elements of the personal statement, you sound more like a petulant spoiled brat in the essay rather than a student who has had some hard times in life who is asking for help in achieving his dreams. Do not say that you born with a silver spoon in your mouth and that you fell on hard times. Instead, you were born to hard working parents who encountered some financial difficulties that they are recovering from. Display a sense of admiration and respect for your parents because the Koreans are all about respecting their elder family members. Discuss your high school GPA. There is no need to go back to your experience as a day care participant. That is irrelevant to your application. High school GPA is the main consideration at this point. Most of the information you indicated are just references accomplishments and achievements. You need to go into greater detail by naming the awards you received, what accomplishments you were recognized for by organization (if possible), and other similar references. Reformat the paper into paragraph topic format and then work on improving your content from there.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the benefit of internet [5]

Ni, there are numerous grammatical errors in this essay. I cannot say that these errors were made by auto-correct and that you typed the essay on your mobile device. The errors are so serious that if I were your English teacher, I would send you back to the basic grammar lessons that includes how to spell basic words. There is a clear indication that you did not really try to apply yourself in terms of grammar accuracy because, when you use a decent document typing program, or even if you just typed directly into the text box of this forum, the numerous red lines that indicate misspelled words would have tipped you off as to the spelling problems in your essay. When your spelling is this inaccurate, it becomes stressful for the reader to continue assessing your work. In this instance, I stopped reading by the second paragraph but forced myself to finish reading your work because I need to give you an accurate review. My final word on your essay is this, your intentions and message gets lost in the severe grammar inaccuracies present. I can understand what you are trying to say, so that is good. The bad, is that your spelling is so atrocious that your essay would be given a failing mark in terms of lexical resources and grammar accuracy.

Writing Feedback / [TASK 2] Being friends with colleagues or not? [4]

Phuong, in terms of Task Accuracy, you can only score a 4 with this essay. That is due to the fact that you only minimally responded to the task you were provided. There is a lack of understanding of the actual prompt for discussion and the manner of discussion your part. Your paraphrasing is faulty as the correct paraphrase should have been:

Some people believe that a job should provide both a method by which to become financially stable and make friends. Others believe that it would be best to not mix one's social life with work by making friends in the workplace. This essay will compare both points of view before I offer my personal opinion regarding the matter.

An accurate paraphrase as well as a proper outline of the discussion format required in the essay are considered of the utmost importance in the TA score because it shows how well you understand English based instructions. Your version did not accomplish this requirement as well as it should have. That is why you did not really present a thoroughly relevant discussion based on the original prompt instructions. The missing personal opinion is what further lowered your score in this criteria.

In terms of Coherence and Cohesion, you can score between a 4-5 depending upon the more intricate considerations the examiner may have. I am scoring you within this bracket because I find your paragraphs to have too much information within it, but none of which are developed in a strong manner. You only have the simplest of explanations in single sentences to explain your reasoning, which results in under discussed and developed paragraphs. Try to create connecting sentences between your evidence, supporting discussion, and transition sentence into the next paragraph in order to improve your score in this area. Use only one idea for development whenever possible.

Your lexical resource, in my opinion is a 6 because you used enough simple and advanced English words to make yourself understood. I admire how you tried to use less common English words like "child psychologist" and "financial stability" in a manner that is applicable to the sentence and thought process that you were developing for the discussion.

When it comes to your GRA, I would give you a six as well because you avoided run-on sentences and did not cause undue stress on the reader. As far as I am concerned, you have enough of a mix of simple and complex sentences in the essay which, even though sometimes faulty in structure, does not hinder your communication with your reader.

The essay suffers from a prompt deviation to a certain extent, which caused the essay to be scored on a lower scale. I will not give you an overall score for the essay because I do not know what other considerations an actual examiner may have for your essay in terms of scoring increments. I believe it is enough for you to know the score for your strong and weak points for now so you can improve upon them in your future essays.

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The information on the percentage of people who went to cinema in UK [3]

Phuong, this is only a 3 paragraph essay. You stretched it to 4 paragraphs needlessly as the trending paragraph should have been included in the summary overview. You need to also learn how to better indicate various types of time frames in the essay. For example, in this essay, there were 2 decades, meaning 2 periods covering 10 years each, that you could have indicated in order to prove a larger English vocabulary. It would have been better to have said;

... to cinema in UK over a 2 decade period covering the years 1990 - 2010.

In order to increase your LR score, it is important that you know how to say one term or one idea in at least 2 different ways that use less common English words. In this case "decade" would have been the less commonly used English word.

In the paragraph where you make a comparison that indicated a slight increase of 2-3 %, it would have been best if you had also indicated the actual percentage figure along with the increase. This would have shown a greater interest in providing the most accurate report that you could for the graph.

Overall, your work is pretty good. It seems to cover all of the required elements and does its best to create an in-depth analysis of the graph in the best way that you know how to present. Good work. You should be able to show more improvement over time.

Graduate / The University of Southampton became my choice. My First Attempt in Writing Personal Statement [4]

Kayode, the personal statement needs to show a better reason for your choice of university than just becoming interested because of what you read online about it. There needs to be a sense of familiarity with the educational process of the university and your own interests. For example, what subjects in particular do you feel you will excel in and why? Which of their training programs are best aligned with your needs as a student and professional? What other advanced courses do you look forward to studying? How will those advanced courses help with your future career? The personal statement needs to show the development of your interest in this MS course from the professional perspective instead of the high school point of view. You are a professional now with work related interests and ambitions, make sure those are reflected in your personal statement. Without it, your essay sounds like a draft copy for a college admissions essay.

Scholarship / I wrote about one university to know if I completed this way or not [5]

Aliaa, this is a Chevening University Choice essay. You must first, prove that you have both the academic and professional background that will justify your ability to complete this course. It is not all about your desire to help your country. That is only part of it. The choice of university needs to tie in directly with a specific project that you hope to undertake or participate in upon your return to your home country. Remember, the reason for the masters degree is professional improvement. So pick the university based upon the career path that you wish to have upon your return. What is the reason that you chose the course? How does it help you professionally? What is the purpose of studying at that specific university? What are the specific programs that interested you in applying there? What is your previous educational experience that would make the reviewer believe that you have a strong potential to complete this course? Why do you think you are a "fit" for the university? You must present justifications that will tell the reviewer that you can be a successful masters candidate once you enroll in that specific course at that particular university.

Scholarship / Describe your most meaningful achievements and how they relate to your field of study and/or future [4]

Robin, the essay doesn't need to be longer, it just needs to be presented in a better manner. The content of this essay is enough to highlight the reasons why you consider becoming a nursing assistant an achievement and how it connects to your future profession. If you start off the essay by first indicating an interest in pre-med and becoming a pediatrician, you will be off to a better start. Say something like:

I've always wanted to be a pediatrician but my life needs have often taken me far from that path. I believe that I have found my way back towards completing that dream though. As I enter the world of a pre-med student, armed with my greatest achievement to date, my nursing assistant certificate, I feel that I am finally on the right path towards achieving my dream...

All you need to do at this point is become more creative in the presentation of your statement. I have given you an example to follow or use. You can develop your response based upon what I wrote above. It should be easier for you to fix the statement now that you have a starting point to base your revised statement on.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of attendance in fast food chains in the U.S.A. within a 10 year period [2]

Athanasia, you must be consistent in the method by which you represent the figures coming from the bar chart. Since the actual percentages are given in the measurements per year, then that is the information that you should indicate in the summary. Not a fifth, not a third, the actual percentage. Bear in mind that this is a report essay for a superior. As such, that superior will expect to get the actual figures from you since he doesn't have the time to read the actual chart. Therefore, when you use fractional indicators instead of actual figures, the reader is not receiving the most accurate information from the chart, which is the main purpose of this essay.

You should also never place major information, such as the inclusive years of the measurements, in a parenthesis. Those are vital information from the chart as it helps to identify the percentage with the corresponding year. So in the summary, you have to mention the exact years as ; "covering the years 2003 up to 2013). Be very specific. The more specific your information is, the better your score. This is the same thing that you should have done in your final paragraph when you indicated a downward trend for 2006 and 2013.

By the way, in instances when you cannot expand the information to cover 3 sentences, do your best to merge it with the previous paragraph instead so that you will always meet the complete paragraph requirement of the C&C scoring section. Instead of presenting 2 ideas in one sentence, present one idea per sentence instead. That way you present thoroughly developed thought processes and sentences to the reader. It also helps you to get a better chance at creating more complicated sentence structures. Just because a sentence is long doesn't mean it is already complex. It could be a run on sentence because it is either fused or uses comma splices to separate 2 different thoughts.

Overall, this is a more than decent attempt at writing a Task 1 essay. I am confident that you will continue to show improvement as you progress with your future practice tests.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship will give me a opportunity to develop my personal skills as a leader [2]

Nem, while it is true that you do not need to define leadership in this essay, if you can find a way to use it as a closing paragraph, the definition, as it applies to the experience that you had just might help your essay to close on a stronger and more memorable note. The leadership project that you undertook is impressive. The fact that you had to directly handle people during a time constrained project shows that there were several opportunities for you to practice your leadership skills along with your influencing prowess. However, I only saw evidence of leadership here. The influencing portion would have been appreciated better in the essay if you had depicted certain problems while completing the project that required you to exercise some convincing and influencing skills among your subordinates or upper management, if you could supply influencing scenarios covering both subordinate and upper management, then the explanation will be even more impressive.

The essay has room for improvement in terms of content. I hope that you will listen to some, if not most of my suggestions for the improvement of your paper. It has so much potential to impress the reviewer that it would be very disappointing if you did not take the full opportunity to do so by showing off your leadership and influencing skills instead of just narrating it in this summarized manner.

Scholarship / AGENT OF CHANGE IN THE FUTURE - Leadership and Influence Question for Chevening [4]

Ni, the essay is too focused on leadership and not enough on influencing. There needs to be an equal balance presented regarding the two traits. These must work hand in hand or simultaneously within the performance of your duties as a leader. A leader who does not know how to influence others in order to gain improvement in a particular objective is not an effective leader. A mere mention of discussing with your boss regarding some plans does not constitute an effective influencing pattern. As a leader, you are expected to be handling a team of people, dealing with seemingly insurmountable problems regarding projects or office necessary actions, and, you must prove that you know how to handle problems as they emerge by influencing others to help you. I do not get a clear picture of how these skills developed for you over time in the essay. Sure you have some notable leadership traits. However, the rest of essay speaks more of your networking, rather than influencing skills. So there is a prompt disconnect in the middle of your essay. You need to refocus the networking on influencing instead.

Scholarship / Answers Draft for Scholarship Interview [3]

Putri, with regards to the first question, it would be nice if you could phrase it in a way that makes it seem like your being disabled is not what makes you unique. Nor are the accomplishments that you have had because of having to overcome it. If you can make this sound something like "That which makes me special actually makes me ordinary", you will have accomplished the task of using your disability to your benefit. You will make it sound like something that is normal to you but, in the eyes of other people, makes you unique. Hence, the disability makes you special and different in the eyes of others while it is simply something that makes you feel normal. It's an approach that often times, attracts the reviewer's attention because of the simplicity of the response and the uniqueness of the person who, disabled and all, still sees herself as "normal" whereas others may not.

Do not be afraid to elaborate in your actual interview. Make sure you discuss the heck out of each question in a manner beneficial to yourself. That means, you should expand upon your short responses to the second question. Specially the part about your "City Creative Forum" and "Untuk Cita-Cita". Those are the most important responses you can deliver and therefore, should be presented in a far more intricate manner than you have done here.

Are you doing the scholarship interview in person? Or are you doing a written interview? I am confused as to why you are preparing your responses to the questions. Whatever the method of the interview, my suggestions should be able to help you further enhance your responses and make it seem a tad more interesting to the reviewer. Good luck with your interview. I hope you get the scholarship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: not enough of courtesy is demonstrated toward elderly people (reasons, problems in society) [3]

Athanasia, one of the requirements that we have here is that the student has to post the complete prompt requirement that you are responding to. We use that original prompt and instructions to examine the work that you have done and the problem areas that your writing might have. Since you did not provide a copy of the instructions, the review of your essay will only be based on general observations rather than exam specific considerations. Kindly remember to post the prompt along with your second essay for review. Don't bother with posting the prompt now. You only get one free assessment per thread. I won't be able to give you a second assessment even if you post it after this review. Here is my general observation of your essay.

The opening paraphrase is incomplete. The TA portion of the test will only give you a high score for the prompt restatement and completely developed paragraph presentation. You only have 2 sentences when the minimum requirement is 3. I do not get a sense of the complete prompt topic for discussion nor the original discussion instruction. The outline for discussion is therefore incomplete.

Your paragraphs must only focus on 1 topic at the most, per presentation. You need a topic sentence and a supporting declaration. These can be completed in 5 sentences and will represent a thoroughly developed discussion. The first sentence will be the topic sentence and then the last 3-4 sentences will be the supporting sentences. At the moment, you are stating "facts" without truly explaining why these should be considered truthful in nature. Are these popular reasons or personal reasons? There needs to be a recognition of where your evidence is coming from and why that makes it a factual line of reasoning.

Try to develop a better conclusion. an effective conclusion should also be comprised of 3-5 sentences that repeats the original topic, the discussion instructions, the facts you provided, and your personal opinion (if required). I will admit that this is a good effort as a first time writer on your part. However, the lack of instructions and my inability to analyze your essay due to the missing instructions and topic statement make me wonder if this type of response would get a passing score in an actual setting. I need the original prompt requirement in order to assess that so make sure that you don't forget to give it to me the next time you post an essay for review.

Writing Feedback / Should schools invest in infrastructure and physical plant, or just keep the faculty satisfied? [2]

@loqsc852 The discussion topic that you provided lacks the discussion instructions that come with these prompt statements. As such, your essay cannot be assessed for prompt responsiveness and your ability to properly deliver the requirements of English instructions. The topic statement doesn't tell me what to look for in terms of accuracy or mistakes in your essay. I wish you had posted the prompt requirement beforehand. As a contributor, I can only assist you with the review of your essay once. So even if you post the prompt now, I will be unable to further help you with any corrections that I may find necessary in your work.

What I can tell you, based upon a first and second reading of your essay is that there is no clear discussion point in it. What is the purpose of this essay? There is no clear prompt paraphrasing in the opening statement and no indication as to the type of discussion that you are required to present in the essay.

You have make sure to never present run on sentences, as you did in paragraph 2, and instead, present complete paragraphs based on simple and complex sentences instead. Do not discuss 2 reasons or thoughts in one sentence as that creates confusion for the reader. In paragraph 2, you could have added the current paragraph 3 to it and created a better developed discussion that would have shown some sort of understanding of a prompt instruction that, up to this point, is only known to you and the person who created the prompt. Remember provide the prompt next time so that I can have a better grasp of how to assess your essay.

The whole essay is confusing rather than informative. I am not sure what the actual discussion should be because there was no representation of it in the opening statement. I do not know if this discussion follows the discussion instruction either because you did not give us a copy of the original instructions. Even without those instructions however, this essay is not going to go anywhere near a passing score because of the problems I indicated.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Many people value money and fame over desire to win. [2]

Tran, you deviated from the specified prompt discussion. There are no problems and solutions to be discussed. The only requirement is that you discuss the message of this new development in sports mindset and how it affects those who play sports. Where in the original prompt did you get the idea that you were supposed to present a solution to the problem? Here is the appropriate prompt representation that should have guided you in the writing of this essay:

Sports used to be all abut a desire to win and create almost unbeatable world records. However, a change in the mindset of the athletes has been developing. The athletes are now motivated less by a desire to win and break world records and are more interested in the prize money and fame that accompanies these accomplishments. This essay will discuss what message this change in focus has conveyed to the youth. Additionally, a discussion will be presented regarding how the focus on financial rewards has affected the way sports are played.

Your introduction paragraph starts with the words "In retrospect..." Which indicates that a previous discussion or statement has already been made and a look back is currently underway. Since this is the start of the discussion, that phrase should not have been used. The use of that term forced you to immediately discuss the prompt topic rather than go through the proper format that requires a well developed opening paraphrase instead. Major TA points deductions will take place because of that error.

Your third paragraph, that presents a solution discussion which is not required will also result in a severely lowered TA score. I don't think that this essay would get a passing score in an actual setting because the prompt deviation from the actual task is just too great. The fact that your conclusion continues to highlight the mistake in the discussion format clearly indicates that you did not understand the prompt requirements, did not discuss the topic properly, and that you have a severe problem with your English comprehension skills.

Writing Feedback / Harm fume gases from private cars' bring some serious problems [IELTS WR Task 2] [3]

Heru, the essay that you wrote does not follow the requirements for a Task 2 essay. There is no opening paraphrase that should have represented the original prompt topic and instructions in your own understanding. Neither did it discuss the essay in the manner required which is to simply discuss both points of view. You created a personal opinion paper in your discussion. This is a direct representation of a prompt deviation which shows that you did not fully understand the instructions you were provided with. Therefore, the score for this essay will not be passing. Let me see if I can show you how you could have outlined this paper to better follow the prompt requirements and discussion outline:

The worldwide use of private cars has led to pollution problems that in turn, have made global warming worse. That is why there are sectors of society that believe word governments should be spending more money on the development of public transportation in order to solve the pollution problem. Then there are others who believe that it would be best for the government to finance the development of electric cars instead as these would lessen world pollution which could help reduce pollution. This essay will discuss both points of view.

It is believed by some that by increasing public transportation, the government....

On the other hand, if the government were to develop electric cars, some people are of the opinion that...

In conclusion...

Notice that the outline I provided for you as an example fully covers the method by which this essay should have been discussed. I have a feeling that you did not really know how to format the essay and how to approach the discussion. I hope that my example above can help you understand how to approach these types of essay instructions.

Writing Feedback / [TASK 1][CAM 12-TEST 8] The diagram below shows how geothermal energy is used to produce electricity [4]

Gao, there are too many run on sentences in your essay. Rather than presenting continuous procedural steps, divide these steps into sentences. That way you increase the possibility that you will most likely be presenting a number of simple and complex sentences per paragraph. When you write run-on sentences, you limit the chance to increase your GRA score in the essay.

Your opening summary is not very efficient. It only provides information about the graph but nothing more. It should be at least 3 sentences long in order to qualify as a properly developed paragraph. That said, I would have presented the paragraph in this manner:

The illustration provides a diagram that detailed steps as to how electricity is generated in a geothermal power plant. In total, there are 5 steps involved. This essay will detail the steps involved in the production from the introduction of cold water, to the final process at the plant itself.

Notice that I introduced the type of diagram along with the purpose of the diagram without creating a run-on sentence. That is how you create a complex sentence presentation. The same follows for the rest of the sentences that I created for the summary overview.

I have to call your attention to the trending statement that you made. It was not necessary to include such a statement as that information is not presented in the actual diagram. Therefore, you are reporting misinformation as there is no source for the information that you are sharing with the reader. As such, the essay will lose points in the TA section due to inaccurate information. Stick to only verifiable information from the diagram. You do not want to lose major points simply on a technicality.

Scholarship / 'I made some successful modification' - leadership and influence question [4]

Ashraf, is this statement a draft of your response to the Chevening Scholarship Leadership and Influencing prompt? If it is meant to address that, then let me tell you right now, this statement will not work. It does not tell the reviewer anything that will portray you as a current and possibly future leader and influencing personality in your country in the future. This is nothing more than a statement that can only be used on a college application setting and then again, in a not so effective manner to speak of. Before you continue to write your statement, please look at the other examples for this sort of essay in this forum. There have been many before you and some, concurrent with you in their essay development process that you can learn from. Either from the mistakes that they made or the advice given to them. Pick up some pointers from them and then create a new, more accurate and responsive essay.

The focus of this essay is first, on a specific leadership position on your part and the problems that come with it and how you manage to solve those. How do you create a team that can effectively address and solve the situation set before you? How do you influence people to get the job done when there seems to be no way of accomplishing a task? How do you embody a true and effective leader who knows how to influence people? I don't see any of these situations represented nor leadership and influencing traits becoming known in the statement that you wrote. It is nothing more than an ineffective summary response coming from you.

Undergraduate / UW Milwaukee Application Essay - experiences, talents, interests... (ANY advice/revisions?) [2]

Nicholas, it would be better for your essay if you offer up the information about the Panther Families Association upfront. Make that the focal point of your contribution to the academic and social community of UW. If you can explain the objectives of the organization, then relate the events that you told in this essay in an adjusted manner, you should be able to better offer an idea as to the kind of student, social activities, and community service that you plan to participate in or, organize as a member of the student body. Your tale of how you came to know the campers better will better resonate with the reviewer if he knows that this is how the organization does things and that you are more than willing to help enliven the student community by introducing such activities as the Panther Families Association promotes. It will create the image of a student who will most likely be active in a socio-civic setting in the university community, making you a true asset who can diversify the student community of the university indeed.

Research Papers / Research paper outline: The role of Globalization in relation to popular culture [2]

Ashley, globalization on a popular culture context is too broad a topic. You need to narrow it down some more by listing the possible topics that can be discussed. Since this is all about pop culture, you can consider any of the following (suggested topics):

1. In relation to world music
2. In relation to fashion
3. In relation to movies
4. In relation to television shows
5. In relation to idealism and collective mindset

And much more. The list I provided is just the tip of the iceberg. There are plenty more topics where that came from. As you can see, this list alone proves that you cannot represent the research paper on such a broad scope. It will be impossible for you to accurately research and represent a general discussion. Create a topic choice list and outline your research possibilities first. I suggest that you do research on the topic that is of the most interest to you that also comes with easy to access resource materials.

Undergraduate / The importance of Ukulele to me - Common Application- Essay Prompt 1 [2]

Kishore, this is a very interesting essay. However, it lacks a connection to the academic side that this talent should have inspired you to develop alongside it. I mean, you learned all about leadership, perseverance, and some other important traits that a successful college student must have in order to be successful through this activity. Therefore, a relationship between the activity, what you learned from it, and its application to your academic life should be clear and presented in a cohesive manner in the essay. Remember, this talent is something that you can use as both a social and academic tool once you get to college, so don't focus just on the extra curricular side of it. Highlight how you hope to use this talent or trait to help you adjust to college life. By doing so, the talent becomes more than just a talent. It becomes a part of your character and enhances your qualities both as a student and a peer to others. In order to do this though, you will need to adjust certain paragraphs in your essay. You can choose which parts you want to adjust. Make sure you don't go over the 650 word maximum and your revised essay should be ready to go.

Scholarship / 10 years in the leadership role. CHEVENING ESSAY - FUTURE LEADER AND INFLUENCER [2]

Eva, do not tell the reviewer what your leadership and influencing skills are. You need to show him how you put these things into action. Your essay is good, but it only summarizes your leadership qualities and influencing skills. It does not offer an accurate portrayal of how you handle sensitive issues or lack of cooperation in your team. Remember, you need to show that these are skills which will, along with your development as a Chevening scholar, help you to become a leader in the field of your choosing upon your return. The essay is too short in terms of actual application. It focuses more on summarizing your experiences. It is important that you do less of a summary and more of a narration of the events that led to your leadership and influencing skills becoming necessary in a particular professional scenario. Show off your problem solving skills that highlight your leadership talents and influencing abilities. Don't just tell the reviewer about various settings you performed in, pick the one that highlights your abilities the most and present that, in an expanded form that best highlights the traits of a person who has the potential to become a country leader and influencing personality when the time comes.

Letters / Application letter for the Teaching Assistant position - Vietnam USA Society English Centers [3]

Van, you need to make this letter more informative in a manner that allows it become more effective in highlighting your skills. Use bullet points to highlight your talents with children rather than the paragraph format. The reviewer will be interested in getting to your job qualifications first and foremost. He will not have a keen interest in reading your explanations unless he sees that the outline provides him with information relevant to the job coming from you. Remember, your detailed description should come from your resume. It should not be in the cover letter. This cover letter / application letter should only call the attention of the reader to your most relevant and applicable qualifications which may interest him enough to consider the rest of your application for consideration. Right now, the letter requires the reader to sift through too much unnecessary text. Try to make the best bullet point format for the letter instead. This should be completed within 2 paragraphs and one bullet listing like:

1. Opening statement
2. List of related qualifications
3. Closing statement

That is short, sweet, and informative. That should do the trick for your application letter.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL Essay] Is it worth to build a new university in a local area? Benefits and drawbacks. [2]

Ajinkya, there is one tremendous flaw in your otherwise perfect discussion. The prompt is asking you to consider how the building of a university in YOUR community will have advantages and disadvantages. Therefore, you need to use first person pronouns in the essay with regards to the description of the situation. Presentations such as "If the university were to be built in my community, I know that it will have a positive effect on.." creates the first person point of view that the prompt requires. Your information is good. It has a solid foundation and anyone else who discusses this topic will have the same considerations. However, you should have focused more on delivering the message from a personal point of view experience so that the information would be coming from a position of authority and experience.

Your opening statement could have been better presented. As it is, it informs the reader but not in a very complex or expanded manner that would have better shown off your English writing skills. If I had written this opening summary, I would have done it this way:

With the government plans to build a university in my community, a few concerns have been publicly raised. While some people believe that building the university has its advantages, there are those who believe that it would create more drawbacks for the community at large. In order to make sure that the people can make the proper decision as to whether or not to support the building of the university in our community, I believe that it is important to compare its advantages and disadvantages.

Then, I would have launched into the actual discussion presentation. While your general discussion is acceptable, the explanation creates an emotional separation from you. Which means your discussion is not as strong as it would have been if you considered its direct impact upon you are a person and resident of the community. Don't get me wrong, you presented a strong essay, it just seems devoid of personal interest, which created an outsider's look at common place reasons for the discussion instead of a personal consideration discussion. The latter being the stronger type of discussion these instances.

Graduate / My transcendence to Geotechnical engineer. I feel my essay is lacking something [2]

Tirivashe, I cannot tell what might be missing in this letter of introduction because you did not provide me with a copy of the prompt requirements regarding required information for your letter. At the moment, it seems to be covering all of the bases from the letter of introduction, the statement of purpose, your study plans, and your future goals. It covers all of the required elements in an over view form. However, I am not sure if you provided enough, too much, insufficient, or not required information. Since I can only give you one free advice for this essay, you will need to make it an urgent thread should you decide to post the prompt requirement so I can give you better and more relevant advice. Failure to transform this to an urgent thread means you will not get any more advice from a contributor.

There are a number of under developed paragraphs in the essay in relation to the development of your interest in this field of study and also a misspelled word. The term is "piqued" not "peaked". The former means an increased interest and the latter means the ultimate form. The big difference in the word meaning means the sentence does not clearly represent what you are trying to say and is confusing the reader.

You should try and shorten your presentation to only the most important and prompt relevant topics. It is running a bit too long and may lose the interest of the reviewer midstream. Try to make a more interesting presentation by increasing your description of your activities instead of just summarizing those portions. It is better to show a reviewer rather than tell a reviewer because it is the show part that makes him consider your possibilities as a student.