Undergraduate / Common Application Personal Essay - Influence of my mother [4]

Great advice from Sean, and I also found a way to help:

I wonder, sometimes, about the person I have become and my maturity as a human being. A person who has had a significant influence on me is my mother, Annette. My mother's personality, hard work, and generous acts have influenced me greatly in my life.

Changing "whom" to "the person" is just an idea, so you can take it or leave it...

Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / Swampscott Mass- Supplement [5]

Nice job!! I got lost in swampscott once, after taking a train from Salem. I bought some wasabi peas at Trader Joes...

The North Shore area is really probably the greatest part of the country.

Put the comma INSIDE the quotation marks:

as "that town about twenty minutes north of Boston," for it is...

You might want to add a sentence that tells a personality attribute that you got from experience in town... for example, I spent time in Billings, Montana, and the people I met were writers, which inspired me to be an freelance writer by being such good examples of motivated, focused, freelancers. Maybe you met some people in Swampscott that inspired your choice of college/career.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Preserve the old buildings; keeping distinguishing features of a city [2]

In my point of view, the importance of maintaining the historic buildings of a city could outweigh the value of replacing them withmodern buildings . The old buildings are the city's distinguishing features.

Here is an example: As a student majoring in mass media, I have reported an issue of the regeneration of Jian-Chen Circle in Taipei City, which is a controversial debate between the citizens and the government...

As far as I am concerned, take this as an example, making changes in the old building destroys the city's uniqueness and value.

Furthermore, the old historic buildings and structures could represent the vitality and characteristic of a city.

For this sentence, I can't figure out what you mean, but you should have someone help you fix it: To conclude, some cities might sustain the pressure of promoting competition after internationalizing, faces the depression of its local industry culture as well.

I see you put a lot of work into this!!

Undergraduate / Thai dancing essay (Important activity and why its important to you.) [3]

Being part of the team since the age of eight, I have reached a veteran status and succeeded as the leader.

Enduring grueling practices, making sure the choreography is synchronized and dealing with criticism, I have become a more emphatically tolerant person.

Nice and to the point.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Route 151' is an important part of me - University of Chicago essay [5]

Great essay, lots of feeling and seems right on target. I could find nothing wrong with it!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Common App essay - Orchestra experience [6]

Never before had I played in a full symphony orchestra or any large group, so being in WYSO introduced me to a whole other dimension of playing music I had never experienced before

This invaluable gift is one of the main reasons that I have been able to progress in my musical education as far as I have

Today it is hard for me to imagine where I would be if I had never been a part of WYSO.

The experience I have had in WYSO not only redefined my idea of teamwork and love of music, but also of who I am.

Just a few small suggestions for making this better, but overall, great essay!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / common app "Topic of your choice" - "Perseverance", from Nepal [2]

Great essay, a lot of strong imagery.

I not only managed to learn business skills in the cyber café but I also managed to know how to deal with people and become familiar with different types of people.

Though it took me a month to learn to excel at it, the sound of "Green sleeves" coming from my guitar pleases my soul.

Good ending!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "photographs" & their benefits / Significant Experience [9]

Is it really worth the effort of all of us standing side-by-side, forcing superficial smiles until she is satisfied with the result?

She has to take a second one in a different position with a bigger smile and a third one just in case the first two somehow do not make it.

Soon enough, our cheeks begin to hurt and we begin to ignore our mother's calls to stop for, you guessed it, another photograph.

Things changed however, when we moved to Australia. As a part of a minority in this foreign society, every trip outdoors was filled with painful minutes of being self-conscious for this very shy boy.

A Few days later I visited a popular street for young Koreans.

Good essay! My mother is the same way with her camera, we all spend quite a lot of time smiling while we wait for the flash...

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Tennis: On and Off the Court (an extracurricular activity essay) [8]

Good tight essay, could find no errors. I liked this sentence;I have had the opportunity to meet new people, whether they are experienced forty-year olds or up-and-coming four year olds.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Gtown about me essay [4]

Instead of one figure, I see two separate images struggling to be my dominant self.

As I look at my reflections, I realize that I can.

Brilliant!! This is a great, interesting way to write the essay.

Undergraduate / 'Directions for my future' - MIT supplement essay [3]

You're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition ("in"), but people break this rule all the time... Still, you could change this part to:

From playing Shostakovich's ninth symphony with a full size orchestra to doing research on mosquitoes, I have always been able to find inspiring activities in which to involve myself.

It was at school that I began to have a true desire to pursue science.

Great ending here! ---> I can now emerge from this familiar world, dreams in hand, ready to forge ahead.

Writing Feedback / "Scientific Creativolution: Are Evolution and Creation Sciences?" [10]

This is an intriguing start, great sentence:

There is no greater force on Earth than humankind's natural curiosity.

Here is some room for improvement right at the start:

Among the many definitions I looked have read , a couple of words are common to all of them. The words "natural" and "physical" appeared in almost all of the definitions I've found.

Here is a sentence fragment:

Meaning it can be broken down into different specializations.

Change to:

This means that it can be broken down into different specializations...

...or use a dash:

In my opinion, there are many subsets to science -- meaning it can be broken down into different specializations.

I don't think you need to capitalize The when it is in front of "Bible." Just capitalize "Bible."

ABOUT YOUR APA:
The words in titles of articles are not supposed to be capitalized. Only the first word of the title, like here:

Lindsay, D. (2005, May 07). The creation/evolution controversy . Retrieved December 13, 2008, from Is Evolution Science?: don-lindsay-archive.org/creation/evo_science.html

However, you are right to capitalize book titles.
Great job on this interesting essay!

Undergraduate / ' friends with African American students' - Rutgers Essay--Diversity [6]

Start with one sentence, and take your time!

Undergraduate / 'International student body for research' - Help with a Columbia U short answer [6]

Nope, don't worry too much! I guess I like "accommodating all my interests"

It is a good essay, for sure. I hope you get in!! Go the extra mile in visiting the admissions office and making gestures that show how important it is to you!

:)

Undergraduate / "the sight of gold" - one extracurricular activity (150 words) LIFE [5]

Here is one I missed:

Only one thought crosses his mind: to be the first one to reach that finish line.

If you just use a comma there, it is a run on sentence...

Now, here is one that is, technically, a sentence fragment and not a complete sentence:

The crowds roar producing butterflies in his stomach.

Looks like this one is the one to cut out, because it is less necessary than tho others. Will that get you under 150 words?

Undergraduate / Essay for princeton, "The profound thinker" - I'd like your opinion! [3]

I liked it too, and could find no errors. The last sentence was fine!

Actually, though, you could do this:

However, that is not to say I did not shave as soon as I got home!

This might be a little better, because although "though" can be used like "although," I think it is better not to start a sentence with it. But that might not be a real rule...

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "an English major" - Bowdoin Supplemental Essay [4]

Yup, too general! Right from the start:

I am applying to Bowdoin College because I want to find a way to always engage and better myself in all aspects of my life.

Well, you write without errors, but you are right to suspect that this can benefit from some real, inspired truth about why you choose Bowdoin over other schools and what you expect. How about some specifics, and some intriguing plans for the time you will spend there...

Undergraduate / "That Were both Good and Bad" - my writing experience, Spokane college [2]

In conclusion, writing has been difficult for me at times. But, writing 115 has helped me in many ways. I have learned a lot of different techniques to help my write good papers, and I have learned what resources are available to me. So, I know feel that I am ready to take writing to the next level.

Remember, words are symbols, and symbols can be powerful. When you write, pound down your truth onto the page. Be powerful! :)

Undergraduate / "Pressure Makes Diamonds" - Apply Texas Prompt A... what do you think? [4]

This is great! What a powerful essay. I think you could use the word "adversity" in it:

I have absolute respect and admiration for him because of how he tackled his adversity .

Undergraduate / "Food for Thought"-Common App Essay [7]

I was a captive. For nearly twenty-two hours I was confined to a single chair, offered small meals accompanied by water. I did not suffer alone, but with my family and two hundred other passengers. The "Fasten Seatbelt" sign emitted its dull orange light, signaling our descent. I couldn't help but feel nervous. As the plane slowed to a halt, the flight attendant's voice could be heard throughout the cabin: "Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to Incheon International Airport and enjoy your stay in Seoul, South Korea."

Oh, I get it! Alright, now I see how this essay is sort of humorous... You should add a sentence to the beginning to tell the reader that this is about cultural barriers as they manifest in culinary matters. Great essay! Make it clear in the beginning, so the reader is not lost.

Undergraduate / NJIT application: My ambition for success is motored by the ability to logically control my future [3]

Here are some ways to improve it:

The great intellectual contraption, the way in which we communicate and share our information in this world, is the power of society. The power of society leads us to collect data; we use data to succeed and advance in this world. T he generosity of teachers, classmates, and college fairs have given me insight into the New Jersey Institute of Technology.

Throughout my life, there have been many occasions where I used leadership skills and other important values.

My ambition for success is driven by the ability to logically control my future.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Studying Mathematics - My personal statement [3]

In Religious Studies I am able to argue my point across, proving that there is more than one solution to a problem and show how to reach the same result via a different route.

...recently I have read 'How Long is a Piece of String?' by Roberts Eastaway

For instance, we have 12 months, but to think were to orbit around the Earth faster or slower, then we might have 13 or even 11 months.

By being assertive I can ensure that school rules are obeyed and good standards of behavior are maintained at all times.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - a situation with my Mom [3]

"I did not need to look for any excruciating facial remarks for her overall condition was at its worst." I'm not sure about the word "remarks" here, but "features" doesn't work either, hmmm...

Other than that, good essay!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / A Wake-up Call- Common App essay [6]

I was met with the same gentle eyes I looked into for sixteen years of my life, but they lacked the luster they'd had.

Her mundane routine had become a difficult challenge she had to face every day .

We must take the initiative to diligently strive for and treasure each opportunity, so we don't have any regrets

Many people pass up a chance to do this when the task seems too burdensome.

Good essay!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Short answer essay questions (yoga, tennis) [5]

what helps you to feel physically or mentally renewed other than a good night's rest?

Taking a yoga class at my schooll helps rejuvenate me and I concentrate on positive thoughts. This helps me to gain fresh perspective on things.

I could find nothing wrong with the other sentences, and especially liked the last one.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "Can I get a packet of cigarettes?" - common apps short answer [5]

Wow, sounds like it was much more exciting than a paper route!!
Good essay!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / common application essay (agreed to follow my father to the United States) [2]

Not many people get a chance to live outside of their native country, and to a certain extent, I was lucky enough to have been given a chance to learn and experience new things outside of my boundaries.

All my life I've been moving to new places and have been forced to make new friends and cope with new environments , but the excitement I felt when I was younger was incomparable to the nervousness and fear I was feeling then.

This is a great essay, and very well written. It was funny in places and yet sad, and very interesting and touching. Good luck! Maybe you should write a book, you're a good writer!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "A Unity of Worlds" - MIT/Common APP essay? ACL tear+ [2]

It was not that I gave up on football, but rather that I came to terms with my injury.

This topic is perfect, and personal. It shows what you're made of and how a tragedy can become a blessing in disguise. It taught you that you have other strengths and passions to nurture, and made you a more well rounded person. Also great that you are still playing football, that shows a wealth of perseverance and character. Good essay!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat; Amherst supplement [2]

What if the whole game is to be decided by that runner scoring a point?

I hope that the runner doesn't give up, but even bends his or her toe in hopes of touching the plate faster, because it's true that difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat, and overcoming that difficulty is most certainly exciting and satisfying.

Because luckily, I learned this early in my life, so every time I face what I think is too difficult, I try to feel the satisfaction and rapture I would experience when I overcome it, to change my attitude.

Nice!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "moved from New York to Bangalore" - Rutgers Undergraduate Admission Essay [5]

In fact, around a few years ago, our school had taken us to Pondicherry, and we stayed at the Sri Aurobindo Ashram.

y 4 years in India went by quickly .

The recovery took its time, and by the time I reached 11th grade, I had decided to choose the IB program.

I have, since then, regained my confidence and become a stronger and more mature person.

I believe that by joining Rutgers University, I have so much to contribute and learn among the student body. I hope to share what I have learned in India among fellow Rutger Students, such as my cultural values and experiences which I have learned through traveling domestically in India and also what I have learned through community service. The Rutgers Student body, as I am aware of, has students from well over 130 countries, and by this I hope to hear and learn the experiences of many students. I look forward to seeing how their experienceswere and what their backgrounds are as well.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay about tearing my ACL [5]

That is great advice from zowzow! Also,

Don't write "in closing," just write:
I learned a lot from this frightening and stressful time, including patience and weighing out risk versus reward.

No real errors...

Undergraduate / Conflicts between dream and reality; SOP [2]

"How can education reform be achieved through policy change reform?" The question has stayed in my mind for years, drives me to look for further study. My dream career has been to be the best teacher anyone could hope for, and I hope to become a leader in my field as well. The six years I spent on teacher preparation and five years in education practice gave me conflicts between dream and reality world. As the recipient of a rare award fellowship by the government, I will do my best to exceed expectations as a professional educational policy analyst and scholar.

Good luck mastering English! I have so much respect for bilingual people. Language is difficult. You have to do a lot of reading and writing in English to work out your errors, because it will be necessary in your career!! So, participate in EssayForum often. I'm glad to be able to help with your process! :)

Undergraduate / An experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity [3]

When I was in grade 2 of senior high school, ten students from School of Jeanne d'Arc (France) arrived for a culture exchange program. Since we were preparing for a big exam four days later, very few students responded when my school called on us to volunteer to be host. However, I took ...

During these three days, I find she completely involved in my family. We ate together, learned together and played together. I taught her how to use chopsticks, and she taught me how to make salad.

This is a great sentence:
I know diversity may bring misunderstanding, but without diversity, the world is unlikely to make progress.

Undergraduate / "conflicting cultures" - COLUMBIA ADMISSION ESSAY [9]

You should use paragraphs to make it clearer...

Having lived in England until I was 14 and in India for the past 4 years, I have experienced two so called "conflicting cultures." Despite being of Indian origin, it is safe to say that I was an "Orientalist" (as Edward Said would say) or more simply put, an ignorant. I was born and brought up in the city of Birmingham.

Now, I think you should work with each of the paragraphs individually.. I found no major errors, but you need to be nice to the reader and wrap the paragraphs up nicely like presents. Opening sentence, explanation, conclusion sentence...

:)

Writing Feedback / "My hobby" essay (reading) [4]

Yes, how do you convey a feeling? I recommend making some time to read stephen king's On Writing.

That book will help you more than I can here. Writing is telepathy, he says!

However, I would like to say that certain words are powerful. Clear, specific words, and words that make the reader SEE something in the mind.

Writing is a way to share the most important secrets you've discovered about life. If you are telling those secrets, you won't be able to help but write with feeling.

Undergraduate / 'an expert in the field of finance' - University of Pennsylvania's Short Answer [5]

I like Respsonse #1:

This is a suggestion to make part of it more powerful:

Dr. Franklin Allen is an outstanding contributor to both The Wharton School and society at large; for these reasons and many others I would love to study with him and conduct research with his guidance.

It's funny how, when you want to communicate powerfully, less really is more. Say things in fewer words, and... well, yeah, say things in fewer words. That is just general advice, though. This essay is pretty great.

Undergraduate / 'From India, but lived in America' - admission my college education, experience [3]

Right on! Needs another draft...

This is a good first draft. Now you have to separate it into powerful paragraphs. Also, here are some corrections:

I want to be business women in the future, because I like to help people. I believe that, while one may go to school to learn, this is not the only place to learn. One's educational experience may greatly be enriched by outdoor fieldwork and hand-on exposure. This is what I would like to do. A good college education is my primary goal at this time in my life.

Undergraduate / "a fatal mistake" - CommonApp Essay 1 [5]

Yes, awesome. If your music is as deep as your writing, you must be great. Be sure to record your music, so the little creations do not slip away. You can plug a mic into the computer.

Try this suggestion:

The trills and staccatos were like chirping birds, and the smooth scales were like rivers flowing .

Undergraduate / Common App Activities short answer ("cultivating coral") [6]

This really is great. I can't believe it is so profitable! Where do you sell what you make? Probably in Boston...

Well, maybe it is better to take out this sentence: So what exactly do I mean by cultivating coral?

Or, you can keep it. I guess I would take it right out and get to the point. Your writing style reflects clear thinking, it seems. No errors...

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Ability, motivation, attitude - personal statement [3]

Hi!

Well, when you refer to a word, it is good to put it in " " quote marks. And I made another change, too:
"Ability" is what one is capable of doing. "Motivation" is what determines what one actually does with his or her ability . Attitude determines how well one does it.

Now, for the rest of it, JSFlash made good calls, for sure, and I'll just add whatever comes to mind for me. Different people catch different mistakes...

Now, right here (below) you start talking about something totally different!! So, you should transition somehow...

My name, Neha, means, "the one who is loving and affectionate."
Being from a foreign country has given me many privileges. My first language is Gujarati, rather than English. When I moved to the United States, I knew I had many things to look forward to because I knew I would have a better life here.

So, above, I separated the different topics. Can you put them in order so that you talk about "ability" and "motivation" in one paragraph, and mention how your parents inspire and motivate you... and then talk about the other topics, such as the meaning of your name, in their own paragraphs...

Good luck!

Kevin