Scholarship / Failed at Australia Award Scholarship with below statements [2]

Uuganbayar we have a one essay per thread policy at this forum so I will only be able to give you advice for the first essay that you posted. Kindly post your work in separate threads in order or me to continue to give you advice on each topic that you are presenting. It would be best for you to do that because the admin will delete the other contents of your thread and leave only the topmost one for advising once they see your post. Here is my advice for your first post.

You are discussing the method of choosing the university in a highly mechanical manner. Unless there is a word limitation on the essay that limits you to only one paragraph, you should be discussing how you made this choice in at least 500 words. You should not include information about the pre-selection of the universities. You should only be focusing on your personal, academic, and professional reasons for choosing this university. You have to show that you are familiar with the university courses or its mode of teaching and that the reason you chose the university was because of the compatibility that it has with your 3 considerations. So you are looking at at least 2-3 paragraphs covering the criteria that I indicated for you to write about. I hope that you can successfully revise your essay discussion based upon my suggestions. Don't forget to revise your posting. Follow the rules or risk suspension. That's how it works at this forum.

Writing Feedback / OPINION ABOUT SHOPPING ONLINE [4]

Nguyen, when you write an opinion about any topic, there is one simple fact that you have to remember. In order to have an opinion, two sides of the discussion must exist. The side that is against your opinion and the side that your opinion supports. Both sides must be first introduced in your statement before you can present your opinion and the justifications that support both the discussion that you support and your personal opinion. I do not see any reference to the opposing opinion in the introduction of your statement. Therefore, the opinion becomes bias or one sided, thus weakening your opinion because you are not ready to defend it against the opposing side. An introduction of the opposing side and then your opinion that refutes the other would have been sufficient enough to have created an excellent opinion paragraph. By anticipating the opposing discussion and presenting your opinion that could very well beat the opposing opinion, you will be able to safely write an effective statement of opinion. Remember, your opinion can only be made stronger by the weakness of the opposition. So first discuss the opposing opinion and then point out the flaws in that opinion in order to create a picture of a strongly worded point of view on your end.

Writing Feedback / Should Grades Define Your Intelligence? [3]

Davinna, your essay constantly repeats the fact that you believe that grades are not important at the start of every paragraph. Kindly refrain from doing that as the redundancy becomes highly irritating as one progresses with reading your paper. You need remind the reader about the topic after about 5 or 5 paragraphs, not every paragraph. Adjust your opening sentences to become more paragraph topic centered instead. That delivers a more adequate representation of the paragraph subjects. Consider it a sentence subject line in every paragraph. I also want to call your attention to the sources that you use in the paper. If the information comes from a website but is in reference to something that someone of authority said in the paper, then refer to the person in authority and his capacity as a professional. Skip mentioning the website because online sources are normally frowned upon by the teachers and persons in authority, but they will accept the word of a fellow professional that just happens to be found on the web. Just mention the website reference in your bibliography. By the way, your story about your belief about your grades and your experience should not be at the end of the research. Place that at the very beginning as the hook that you will be using to interest the reader in learning more about the discussion. The latest that you introduce that topic should be in the second paragraph, not near the very end of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Poor countries are helped by young people from wealthy nations. [2]

Tung, when the instruction says "approximately" that means you have to write up to the number of words indicated. You cannot write less, you cannot write more. So your essay is over the proper approximate by 37 words. It is always best to write the exact number of words required or suggested because this count fits directly within the time frame given to you for the development of the essay. In this instance, your excess words took away time that could have been used for the proper editing and finalization of your paper. While you did write too many words, I will say that you appropriately discussed and developed your statements in the essay. However, your opening paraphrase has a slight problem because it contains a small inaccuracy in its presentation. You should have indicated the actual topic for discussion in it which is whether the teenager or the community actually benefits from the free work that the teenager does in the country. A sample presentation of that portion of the essay would be:

... doing some unsalaried work in a limited amount of time. This activity has raised some questions as to whether the community or the teenager actually benefits from the free work being done. This essay will examine the two sides of the discussion and make an assumption regarding who truly benefits from this practice.

You have to make an assumption regarding who benefits because that is not made clear in the prompt requirements. The reason that you are to say "assumption" is because you are not allowed to discuss facts and related information within the opening statement. The opening statement serves only as an introduction to the topic for discussion, it is not meant to begin the discussion of the essay. This is a standard requirement because a completely developed thought process and presentation cannot be done within a single paragraph that is already discussing specific required elements. The thought process and defense that you want to present is separate and goes into the body paragraphs instead. The first paragraph is simply for the required paraphrasing elements. The paraphrased portion is the part of the essay where the examiner can assess your English comprehension skills and ability to follow English instructions.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 1] The consumption of fish and different kinds of meat between 1979 and 2004 [3]

Peter, the summary overview is the most important part of the Task 1 essay. This is the paragraph that shows how you analyzed the information and decided upon what information to present. Therefore, it should be longer than just a single sentence. It has to be presented in at least 3 sentences. The sentences that you should have presented in the opening summary is as follows:

1. The type of graph / diagram presented and inclusive years of comparison
2. The types of food included in the diagram
3. The general trend you observed.

Your current opening statement only satisfied one of the 3 requirements that could have created a strong summary overview for your essay.

With regards to your sentence construction, do not relax your word choice. You are to speak in an academic tone at all times so when you say "Last but not the least", you are using a conversational instead of informative tone. You could have instead said "Finally..." or "Chicken was the least consumed..." Always place a degree of respect for your academically trained reader. This is still an academic essay after all.

Save for these 2 observations, your work is pretty good. You have developed an acceptable presentation of relatively complex sentences to impress the reviewer with your degree of English language use. I look forward to reading your succeeding practice tests. Keep up the good work.

Scholarship / Essay for Chevening Leadership question; applying for a masters degree scholarship grant [2]

Anniska, you are applying for a masters degree scholarship grant from one of the most prestigious programs in the world. The demands of a Chevening scholarship and the kinds of applicants that the program has are some of the most rigid that you can ever find. Most of the applicants have credentials as serious "as a heart attack" as some would say. If you use this story that comes from your high school days, then you will not be able to compete with the other applicants who will be using leadership experiences from their professional lives, internships, or professional training programs in relation to their current careers and occupations. The reviewers are more impressed with leadership and networking skills that were developed over the course of the applicants professional career because this means that you can be an asset to the the scholarship program once you graduate because as an alumna, you can help lead and influence the next batch of scholars towards success.

I am also dissatisfied with the way that you have a defeatist presentation of your potential leadership abilities. That shows me that you are not only uncertain about your leadership skills, but that you are also prepared to not fight for this scholarship. Why on earth would you be the very first person to talk down about your own qualifications and then apply for a scholarship that requires strong leadership abilities? That doesn't make any sense. Please, refrain from doing that. Always present yourself in the best light and make sure that you talk up your leadership skills instead. Whatever you lack in leadership skills, you can make up for in dedication and the quality of your work, or strong work ethic. Go for a professional sounding presentation of your essay. You are not in high school anymore so the tone of your application essay should not sound like one. This essay, sounds exactly like a college entrance essay application and nothing more. It will not be able to compete with the other essays that will be submitted by better qualified applicants.

Letters / My Essay for the Application to AFRICAN UNION YOUTH VOLUNTEER CORPS Program [3]

Esther, before going any further with the editing of this essay, I have to mention something very obvious. You are tremendously beyond the 750 word count. You actually have 915 words in your essay, which is over the required number of words. Therefore, before you even begin to edit this essay into the final form, you must first edit it to become a final draft. That is done by reducing your word count. Now, since this essay is very specific and dear to your heart, I strongly suggest that you decide upon how to shorten your content. I could make suggestions on how to do that but I feel that my input may change the slant, voice, or objective of your essay. I will leave the editing of the content, in terms of the word count and message up to you. What I can do from my end is make suggestions regarding where you might be able to combine information or delete information.

First up, when you discuss why you want to become a Pan-African Youth Volunteer, try to depict yourself as a nationalist who wishes to truly see Africa united. At this point, you are saying that you want to unite Africa but the rest of your discussion focuses more on personal career advancement and accolades. Something that deviates from the idea as to why you want to become a volunteer. The volunteer should have a stronger sense of nationalism and pride. The dreams and ambitions must be for the country's improvement based upon your participation in it. It should not be about your self aggrandizement as is depicted in the early part of this essay.

Up next, when you are asked about what makes you the best candidate for the program, don't try to explain yourself in numerous incarnations. Rather, focus on a character trait that you have which you believe embodies the mission and objectives of the program. That way, the reviewer has the chance to get to know the most important aspect of your personality in relation to the program as opposed to your current presentation of numerous traits, all of which are hard to keep track of and remember. Using the current information, the reviewer will most likely not remember you because you talk of too may traits that could apply to any applicant. Try to make yourself sound unique so you can stand out from the pack.

Your expectations are numerous and far between in presentation. Try to create a more concise and coherent presentation of your expectations as to what you can accomplish after completing the program. Develop one big dream that you hope to accomplish and then discuss that.

Right now, your essay will easily lose the interest of the reviewer or make it easily forgettable. Either end result of bad for your application. Work on the changes using my suggestions in order to develop a more acceptable and focused application essay on your part.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Overpopulation problem and how to solve it [5]

Ariza, I realize that this is your first attempt at writing a Task 2 essay so I will not score this essay. You have made a number of mistakes that could actually cause you to fail the exam proper had this been given as the topic and then have you present it in the above manner. Your presentation does not follow the standard requirements for this type of essay writing so I need to guide you in developing the writing style first, the content second.

The first thing that you have to learn is that there are specific parts to the essay that you have to write. These parts are the opening statement, body paragraphs, and concluding statement. In the case of your essay there is no opening statement nor conclusion, only body of paragraphs. This format alone will lead to an automatic failure in an actual setting. In order to gain a passing chance for the test you must make changes to your writing style.

First, you must learn how to paraphrase the original prompt. Paraphrasing means saying the prompt instructions in your own words. What did you understand the prompt to mean? How are you being asked to discuss it? What do you think of the topic being discussed? Do you have an opinion? To what degree is your opinion? These are some of the questions that you can answer in the development of your paraphrased opening statement. The original prompt will normally tell you how far you have to go and what information you have to present in the paraphrased outline. The outline being the topics for discussion and how it will be discussed.

Next, you need to practice drafting your paper. Write a rough version within the first 5 minutes of the timed test. Then review it and expand the sections that need expanding. Aim to write no less than 3 sentences and no more than 5. Do not present too many ideas. Just develop solid presentations for single ideas because that is all that the remaining time allotment will allow you to do. Bear in mind the original instructions and make sure to deliver only what is required of your essay. Do not make it unnecessarily complicated like you did with this essay.

Finally, practice summarizing the discussions you have presented. Make sure to properly summarize the details and facts that you present. Do not, under any circumstances, present any new information. That will mean that you did not conclude your discussion but rather, left it hanging without proper closure.

Do your best to follow these instructions with your next test and you should begin to see some impressive improvements with your essay writing. At this point, this essay is not worth the time that you took to write it because it is nothing more than a long narrative without a beginning or an end. It is a failure as an essay.

Writing Feedback / THE AVERAGE ATTENDANCE OF TOP-LEVEL SOCCER LEAGUES [4]

Nguyen, please make sure that you upload the images in panorama setting instead of portrait. I almost got a neck cramp trying to look at your portrait oriented image. It was very difficult to review in relation to what you wrote. There is a slight mistake with your summary overview presentation. If you study the chart, the information provided was not in consecutive decades. There is a gap between 1990 and 2004. Therefore, the skip in the years should have been properly recognized in your summary presentation.

You also failed to indicate that the audience attendance was going to be noted in the thousands. A proper overview indicates the most obvious notable information that you will be presenting, without mentioning the actual figures yet. Indicating those information would have created a more solid summary of the information for discussion. Additionally, if you combined the first 2 sentences with the next 2 sentences, you would have also developed a stronger orientation for your reader.

You have a tendency to misrepresent the information about the number of audience attendance. There are instances, such as in the last paragraph, when you made it sound like it was the number of games played, instead of the number of audience attendance that you were discussing. Don't lose focus, always make sure to make it clear to your reader that you are referring to audience attendance. One silly mistake like this and your essay will be marked down in terms of grammar or task accuracy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS argumentative essay for Salaries of Sports Athletes [3]

Ricardo, you were not able to properly paraphrase the original prompt. You mistook the presentation of facts in your first paragraph for the paraphrasing. Let me show you how the proper paraphrasing for this prompt should look:

Successful sports professionals tend to earn a greater deal of money than the regular employee. Some people think that the income that athletes are paid is justifiable. Others believe that the sports celebrities earn too much for their profession and this puts them at an unfair advantage. As far as my point of view is concerned, I believe that their high salaries are justified. I will be discussing these justifications shortly.

Only after this presentation should your current first paragraph come into the discussion as part of your justification for the high salary the athletes receive. Your summary is not a properly developed conclusion because you continue to discuss the justification process in it. Therefore, it is not a summary but additional information. A summary should read similar to this:

In summary, I would like to reiterate the athletes have justifiable reasons for their high salaries. While these may seem exorbitant to some, the dangers and skills required to play the game indicates that the athletes take greater risks with their physical well being than regular employees. Therefore, the salary their receive is commensurate to their performance and the demands of their career.

Note that I merely summarized the already presented information along with a repetition of my opinion, closing with a justification that does not present new information to the reader but merely adopts a point of view already given in the previous statements. That is how you write a proper summary.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Schools are no longer necessary because of the Internet... Agree or disagree? [4]

Zhou, I am not sure if you proof read your work before turning it in. You are using the term "ture", which does not refer to an English word. Rather, that word is of Danish origin and means "to party on." Please ensure that you proof read your essays prior to submission because the wrong use of terms will result in a marked down vocabulary score on your part. When you state your opinion, use the exact key word from the original statement. Your opinion should have indicated; "I disagree with this opinion to a certain extent, based on several reasons." Also, since this is an opinion essay, you must take ownership of all the statements that you make in it. Therefore, instead of saying "We have to admit...", the proper presentation would be "I have to admit..." There is no "we" in an opinion statement, only an "Me, myself, and I".

While your reasoning paragraphs are good, the concluding portion, that should be summarizing the presented discussion and reiterating your opinion is not functioning a such. It is merely indicating a singular sentence of additional information. Since new information cannot be presented as a concluding statement, you will get an additional scoring down for that mistake under the task accuracy portion.

This is a good effort at writing an essay. I suggest that you continue to practice and further develop the method by which you write your opening statement and conclusions based upon my aforementioned suggestions. It will surely help to increase your score in the end.

Writing Feedback / Narrative essay for English about overcoming fears [2]

There is an unanswered question in your presentation. You said "Never give up without trying because you will never know what could happen." Therefore, the belief system you created was based upon "at least trying". So what happened after you tried out? Obviously you did not make it through to the next level of auditions. but what happened during the time you were waiting for the decision? I don't get a sense of personal growth and connection with your newly minted belief system. That makes the essay inaccurate in presentation and does not really fulfill the expectations of your thesis statement. You narrated and you described but you did not show growth as a character / person who underwent such a personality altering audition. What lessons were learned that led you to develop your thesis statement? Anybody can try out and say, "At least I tried". In this case though, your thesis statement begs you to discuss more than that. As a college application essay, you have to consider this written interview as a way of presenting the idea of how you deal with disappointment and how you find personal enlightenment or chances for personal growth through these failures, which there may be a lot of, during your college life. Your thesis is good, but the presentation still needs to be developed further. It concentrated too much on descriptions and lost the balance of personal insight in the process.

Writing Feedback / It is an absurd that a newspaper is the most crucial source of information [2]

@kiki2807 why are you saying that you are "in favor" of an idea when the essay is asking you for your agreement or disagreement to the topic being presented? Use the correct keywords in representing your opinion in the essay. The correct last sentence for your essay would have been "I disagree with the statement that newspapers will remain an important source of news."

When you failed to use the correct keywords from the original prompt, you changed the discussion instructions for your essay from the original and as such, will severely affect your final score. This is not just a mark down, this is a distinct failing score in the Task Accuracy portion because you misunderstood the instructions and therefore, presented the wrong discussion for the topic. Once you fail in the task accuracy portion, it will be difficult to recover enough to get a passing score using the remain scoring considerations.

Your conclusion managed to get your discussion back on track though. However, make it a practice to use more academic words rather than terms such as "absurd" because that is not considered an academically respectable term. Properly summarize your discussion and reasons and then close the essay with a restatement of your opinion. 3 sentences will suffice in your conclusion, properly reflecting the points I mentioned, to help improve your low task accuracy score.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL iBT INDEPENDENT TASK] THE INTERNET OR PRINTED MATERIAL FOR RESEARCH? [3]

Minh, your body paragraph for your reasoning is acceptable. The problem is that your opening paragraph and concluding paragraphs still have an improper presentation. For one, the way that you represented the paraphrased prompt in the opening statement, you are not accurately retelling the topic and instructions from the original. Your paraphrase actually had you representing a different topic for discussion. One of the correct ways to have opened the essay is as follows:

These days, there are two different ways to accomplish research work. The first one, is by consulting and referring to books and the other, is by conducting an internet search. Some people say that it is better to use printed material rather than the internet. I disagree with this statement and I will be presenting reasons and examples below to help explain my disagreement.

Do you see how I used keywords from the original in order to paraphrase the original statement? This presentation tells the reviewer that I understood the essay requirements and will be discussing it in the suggested manner of the original prompt. This strong paraphrasing representation will immediately insure that I get the highest possible marks for the the task accuracy section of the essay. Meaning I have a better chance of passing the overall essay requirements because of the impressive paraphrasing.

Your concluding statement is not even near the required elements for it to be considered acceptable nor a proper conclusion. If I were to write the closing statement for this essay I would probably have said:

Due to the ease by which a person can do research using the internet and the fact that the internet is easier to access than most books, I will reiterate my disagreement with the opinion that it is better to use printed material than the internet. Research done using more accurate sources, such as those found on the internet, assures the researcher that his work will have verified and up to date information as opposed to dated book references. Printed material is not better than the information found on the internet.

By the way, in reference to your data from Harvard University, please do not mention any researched information because you won't have access to , nor have the time to do actual research during the exam. Use only common knowledge, personal experience, or personal opinions which will further help increase your score because this will show the examiner that you know how to relate your personal side with the given discussion in an appropriate and applicable manner. This will result in an increased score consideration in the end.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS Task 2) Some people choose to eat no meat or fish... [3]

Matias, in the opening statement, you are expected to simply restate the prompt for discussion, the side of the issue presented in the prompt, and an indication of your personal opinion. You are not allowed to openly discuss information in this paragraph, more so information that is not found in the original prompt requirement. Your opening statement, due to the problem with the presentation has ensured that this essay will not get a satisfactory score from the reviewer. The opening statement is the most important part of any English test so you have to get the paraphrased requirements right. This part of the essay accounts for at least half of your essay score so if you cannot do well in the other portions, at least get the opening statement right in order to give your essay an increased chance at a decent score.

Your body paragraphs also contain lengthy sentences that should have been cut short in order to present them as sentences. You have run-on sentences composing the essay because you chose to use a comma instead of a period to separate your thoughts. This makes the paragraphs difficult to read and understand for the examiner. Sadly, these serious grammar accuracy problems will further reduce the points that you could have received for that section of the essay.

My final observation is that you do not have an accurate concluding paragraph in this essay. What you have is an additional paragraph that represents additional information. When you write a concluding paragraph, make sure that you accurately sum up the discussion previously presented. That is all that the concluding paragraph should do. No additional information required. Remember, you have a 5 paragraph maximum requirement for the essay. Work on your presentation skills as well in order to further improve your scores in all 4 scoring considerations.

Scholarship / One swipe can save many times and health... [7]

Dawit, your SOP is lacking the razor sharp focus that a SOP requires. You have a number of irrelevant paragraphs which must be removed in order to create a standard SOP that will be acceptable for your application to various universities. For this essay, you must open with the second paragraph and remove the first paragraph that you wrote. An SOP should have a summary of your college education and training experience on the academic side, which is what this new first paragraph accomplishes.

A truly informative SOP is complete within 500 - 750 words. I suggest that you aim to complete about 700 words with your SOP because you have an impressive professional experience discussion to present. After you complete the summary of your college education, making sure to mention any awards or recognition that you received during this period. Use this information to prove your exceptional academic abilities. More importantly, present the thesis project that you did and explain how that helped you get into the professional work that you did for the next 2 years (upon graduation). Then transition into your professional work experience.

Revise the discussion about the work that you did at the police force. Focus on how the police department benefited from your presence and the work that you did for them. While you do have impressive practical know-how when it comes to the repair and inner working of motherboards, joysticks, and related hardware, the point of the SOP is to explain why you need to study advanced lessons. So develop a paragraph presentation that will allow you to explain how you have come to the limits of your knowledge professionally, hence the need for your advanced studies. The way you make it sound right now, it would appear that you just want to study for the sake of studying and not because you have an important professional requirement for it. The professional requirement carries weight when it comes to considering your application.

Explain how your additional studies will help you with your professional growth. Basically, tell the reviewer how these studies will help your short term goals. Something along the lines of the next 3-5 years of your career will be sufficient. Implementing these revision suggestions should help you develop a more impressive and informative statement of purpose. Best of luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / Some people say it is wrong to keep animals in captivity. Others say that are benefit for animal [2]

Nguyet, the next time that you post your essay for review, please post the complete original instructions along with it so that I can have a starting point for the assessment of your written work. You see, without the instructions, it is difficult for me to review and make suggestions regarding how to improve your essay. However, I will do my best to assist you with your current essay. Remember, because I don't have the original prompt for reference, my advice will be limited in scope. I hope it still helps you though.

As of now the score for this particular essay is 2. The reason for the score is because there is a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your discussion. You can limit this problem by using only one reason per paragraph and using simple English sentences for now. It is better if you present only simple sentences at this point because your English vocabulary does not allow you to properly use the words in a complex sentence setting at the moment.

I admire the way that you tried to present complex discussions in your paragraph. The problem of grammar structure and sentence errors is what pulls down your essay score. If you wish to improve your method of writing, I suggest that you read more English based materials during your free time. by familiarizing yourself with the way that others write in English, you will be able to pick up more pointers on how to better structure your sentence presentations and use complex sentences in a more efficient manner.

Your personal opinion paragraph cannot serve as your concluding paragraph. The structure of a concluding paragraph is the same as the opening paragraph. Only this time, present the topic for discussion, a shortened version of the reasons you discussed in your essay and then close with a paraphrasing of your personal statement. Just use terms that signify that the paragraph is the conclusion by saying phrases like "In conclusion", "In the end", " To close this discussion", or variations thereof.

Writing Feedback / After graduation from high school, most students tend to attend colleges or universities [3]

Doan, the essay that you wrote can garner you a score of 2. The way you discussed the essay is clear and represents a well thought out line of reasoning. However, there is plenty of room for the improvement of your writing skills which can help to gain a passing final score.

You must learn to clearly outline the discussion that you will be presenting in the essay in order to show a strong understanding of the topic for discussion and how you plan to present it to the reader. For example, the opening statement I would have written for this essay would be:

While there is a clear increase in the interest of students to attend college and university, very little is known as to the reasons behind this trend. I believe that there are 3 important reasons that people decide to attend higher studies after high school. These are the reasons that I will be discussing in this essay.

People who have an interest in college and universities...

Students with a keen interest in a specific field...

Finally, college and university studies....

Or you could have numbered the paragraphs by saying; "Firstly", "Secondly", and "Thirdly" as well. Either way of consecutive presentation is acceptable. You can number it or not. There is no right or wrong way of presenting it. What is important to remember is that by presenting a more academically worded paper, the TOEFL test analysis of your work will give the impression that you are a well read and capable of carrying on a discussion, in written and spoken English form.

Now, while others here have a different view of the sentence requirement, the standard 3-5 sentence paragraph development is important in increasing your score. Remember, limiting yourself to two sentences, though well written will not impress the reviewer. However, a well discussed 3-5 sentence paragraph will allow you to better show off your command of the English language. Which is the point of the test. The better you can express yourself in English, in a preset number of sentences and paragraphs, the better your final score will be.

Try to develop your sentences per paragraph in an better manner over your succeeding practice tests. Believe me, you can't go wrong by writing 300 words per essay. 300 words being the more ideal presentation for a better score possibility.

Writing Feedback / Performance Bell Curve; archaic practice causes unfair employee evaluation [3]

Kristin, if you want to make this essay more persuasive, then you need to represent a balanced comparison of the previous method of employee evaluation in comparison to the new one. Specifically, mention the key points where the old method fails and the new method succeeds. By presenting such information, you will be able to more actively and accurately persuade the person to consider your side more seriously. Additionally, the lack of informative background on the old method of evaluation would have helped to represent the necessity of upgrading the employee evaluation techniques to suit the modern workplace. It isn't enough to justify the benefits of the new method of evaluation, you need to look back as well in order to create a strong foundation for your suggested changes in the evaluation process. What I am trying to explain to you is this, you should consider using a "compare and contrast" discussion in order to "persuade" your reader. The comparison point comes too late in the essay of 10 pages. Try to alternate the comparison and contrasting discussion earlier in the paper so that your presentation becomes more interesting. I also noticed that you have some in-text citations that are not properly cited within the paper. Kindly make sure that you review those parts and offer the correct parenthetical reference for the source so as to create a more well-researched image for your already impressive paper. Your work has an impressive presentation and does come across as a comfortable conversational piece so you don't have to worry about that. From what I can tell, the paper flows smoothly and does exactly what it has to do. My statements above are just discussions that can hopefully, help you further improve your presentation in the final version.

Undergraduate / Narrative essay help about my audition for Kpop [3]

Lavonna, unfortunately the topic that you chose, the one that you highlighted in black is not really a belief or a significance that can impress the reviewer. However, since you already turned in your rough draft, you will have to do your best with it. If you can approach the essay from a point of uncertainty on your part, you could turn this into a significant experience, whether you made it through the auditions or not. The statement you highlighted, though a personal belief, is difficult to insert in the essay because of the existence of your friend. Remove the friend as the other character in your essay because presentation will divide the attention of the reviewer. Instead, you must focus the essay solely on how you found the courage to go through with the audition because of this "belief" that you have. Don't muddle the issue with another character. That person is irrelevant to the prompt requirement. Just focus on your actions and your story. By the way, you need to work some more on your opening statement. You need a better hook that will catch the attention of the reviewer. This current paragraph is very common in feel and presentation. There is nothing that will make the reviewer think about reading further. If you can, describe the surroundings of the event and how you felt as you stepped into the audition venue, That might help to spice up your opening statement.

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The changing rates of crime in Newport city over nine years [7]

Liza, I am advising you as an IELTS and TOEFL topnotcher, as well as an academic consultant of 15 years experience. These are the reasons why, based upon my expert opinion, your score for this essay cannot be higher than a 4. That is due to the lack of analytical ability displayed in your essay. You did not properly represent an overview of the discussion in your opening statement. Rather, you went directly to a discussion of the fact presented. An overview for this essay is required as a representation of the summary outline / summary discussion to follow. That helps to inform the reader regarding the type of analysis and information presentation that will be contained in the body paragraphs.

With regards to the information you presented, you failed to identify the kind of graph that was used for the report. You cannot merely say that this is a graph because different graphs have different purposes. Additionally, you must assume that the reader does not have access to the image presented and therefore, must be informed of the type of graph used by the original researcher in order to aid in their understanding of your presentation. By indicating the type of graph, you will also show that you are an informed researcher as you know the type of analysis represented by various graphs. The summary should have indicated the types of crimes that will be compared as well as the fact that the number of incidents cover the years from 2003 up to 2012. It is not a comparison of rates for 2003 and 2012. That is a different discussion from what you are being asked to summarize.

Only your second paragraph in this essay falls under the 3 sentence minimum requirement for these exam essays. The reason that there is a 3 sentence minimum is simple, the more words you write, the better you can express yourself. A 3-5 sentence paragraph will help you increase your vocabulary score as well because you have the opportunity to develop more complex sentences and presentations.

As for your concluding statement, you don't really have to write a concluding statement provided you have given a strong and properly informed summary overview for the opening statement. The key requirement here is that you represent your summation skills when it comes to discussions. Whether it comes at the beginning or the end is your personal decision.

It is important that I point out how you failed to properly assess, analyze, and compare the chart information. If you study the chart closely, you will see moments where the graph points intersect. These intersection points should have been added to the summary as discussion points and points for comparison. A quarterly comparison of the crimes would have been best since the years presented in the chart are consecutive. Therefore, your essay missed out on a number of important discussion points and factual presentations.

Writing Feedback / Protecting the environment by any person is welcomed but multinational cooperation is more important [2]

Robin, if you say that the solution to the problem lies in a multilateral solution, then you must take the last paragraph of the opening statement to indicate the degree by which you believe that a multilateral solution is the best approach to the problem of pollution. By adding another sentence to the end of the opening statement, you will fulfill the missing requirement of your essay paraphrasing. Since you already did a good job with the partial paraphrasing of the original discussion and instructions, adding the missing requirement will make the paragraph complete and more than acceptable. It will be impressive because it will prove your English comprehension skills immediately. If I were to present an opening statement for this topic, I would have presented it this way:

Environmental problems are considered a global problem these days. As such, the world at large believes that these problems should not be addressed on an individual or country alone. Rather, the problem can only be resolved on an international level. I am in total agreement with this point of view because of certain obvious evidence that exist today.

Your paragraphs containing your discussion points and evidences are admirable. It shows a knowledge of the public perception and some logical solutions based upon your personal knowledge and experience. You should be proud of your work in that area. However, your concluding statement is too short to help the essay gain a better score. It should be more than just a single sentence that does not accurately represent the previous discussion and its related information. The concluding statement must be a complete summary of the previous discussion in order to better highlight your English writing and vocabulary abilities.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 2] - TV alienates family members [4]

Chantel, you have acquitted yourself very well in the opening statement. It is a confident reproduction of your original prompt requirements. The fact that you knew to measure the degree of your agreement with the statement shows that you took the time to carefully analyze the statement and consider the related factors. I just hope that you did not take too much time in considering your response because time is of the essence in writing these Task 2 essays. You don't have the luxury of time to seriously analyze and consider your response to the essay. Don't take more than 10 minutes to analyze the topic and formulate a draft response ok?

Now, for the actual essay, the second paragraph is not really remarkable nor impressive since it doesn't related directly to the statement that you made in your opening paragraph. The real strength of this essay is in the way that you developed the third paragraph, which would have been better to present as your second paragraph because it directly relates to your opinion on the matter. In this type of essay, you need not discuss both sides, just the side that you are agreeing to. Make sure to indicate a more solid degree of agreement in the statement by indicating that "My partial agreement with the statement is based upon my personal experience regarding the matter."

Your concluding statement is good but improperly presented. The concluding paragraph would have been even stronger if you had presented the information in individual sentences. These related sentences would have resulted in an excellent summary of the prompt, discussion presented, and your personal opinion on the matter.

Everything considered, even with the errors that you made, I must acknowledge that you have the potential to perform very well in this section of the test. You just need to develop your essay writing and analytical skills over time and more practice tests.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] How human activites effect animals life and solutions suggested [3]

Dang, the essay prompt instructs you to discuss examples of how man has caused negative effects on animal habitats in land and in the sea. Therefore, your discussion body should present one paragraph each for the destruction on land and one for the sea. That way, you properly discuss the essay in the format and information required by the original prompt. don't change the discussion by discussing elements that do not have any connection or relationship to the original prompt. You can discuss one problem and one solution per paragraph in order to create a coherent and cohesive discussion that will properly reflect the outlined discussion requirements of the original prompt.

Your current discussion does not represent the correct discussion as it does not refer to land and sea destruction as indicated in the original discussion presentation. Therefore, the discussion that you present could be considered a prompt deviation and as such, either get you a failing or low score in an actual test setting. The misrepresented discussion in the body indicates a shortcoming on your part regarding the instructions you were given for the discussion. It is important that you clearly discuss one land problem regarding animal habitation and one sea problem regarding the same problem. However, each habitation problem and solution must be contained in a single paragraph to make it easier to keep track of your discussion presentation.

While the opening statement is somewhat acceptable, due to its lack of one more sentence in order to be considered a complete paragraph, the conclusion needs more work. A properly developed conclusion must properly assess the previous information and present it in a shortened format of 3-5 sentences in the final paragraph. This serves are the wrap-up or summary discussion of the given outline.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 Writing - About should Sports be compulsory at school? [3]

Nguyet, While the acceptable word count for task 2 is 250 words, it would help your score if you can write more than that. Say 300 words within 5 paragraphs, composed of 5 sentences (not six or more) each. So your essay is over the expected word count by 67 words. I think you did not accurately time yourself when writing this essay which is why you have more than the required words in your completed work. The practice of timing yourself during the mock tests is essential to your actual performance. Without the timer inclusion in your practice tests, you will find that you do not enough time to complete an accurate essay during the exam day itself. Make it a part of your regular routine to use a timer each time you practice essay writing.

The way that you paraphrased the essay shows that you have a good degree of English comprehension skills. However, the paraphrasing delivered an incomplete outline because you failed to address the action of presenting a personal opinion within the essay body itself. The last sentence should have read; "... clarify both views and offer my personal opinion at the end of the discussion."

After the almost impressive opening statement, your body of paragraphs representing the points of view in the essay gave me the impression of an analytical person who truly thinks before he writes. The problem is that you thought too much and ended up over discussing the topic paragraph in the 3rd body. With only 30 minutes to complete all the work involved in the writing of an essay it is important to keep the essay short but informative. Try to achieve that next time. Even writing only 3 sentences is acceptable provided those 3 sentences are useful and informative towards the discussion.

In the 2nd paragraph, it is important that you do not include any questions when writing a body paragraph. That is because posing a question requires you to deviate from the topic provided and will need a separate paragraph to discuss it completely. Just present facts and avoid using terms like "and so on" because those are word fillers that do not help to enhance the message of the paragraph.

The 3rd paragraph could have used more focus towards the discussion of the topic. While you did present enough explanations within, the discussion tended to run too long and lose the attention of the reader. That is why there is a sentence limitation in place. You need to learn how to express yourself with fewer words and sentences in a consistent manner. The consistency is required because you already showed that you are capable of discussing the paragraphs within 5 sentences. You somehow got carried away with the discussion in the third paragraph.

Unfortunately, your 4th paragraph is not acceptable as a concluding paragraph because this is the section of the essay that discusses your personal opinion. Therefore, you are not able to properly close the discussion. Your personal opinion is very well developed and helps to increase the overall impression of your work. I wish that you had taken the time to write a proper concluding statement that accurately summarizes and ends this discussion though.

Please take not of the suggested points for improvement. The most important being the word count in relation to the time allotted. Having mentioned the specific problems of this essay, I am going to be leaving you with a score of 6, even though there are a few marked problems with your essay. The examiner would probably score this less than 6 based on the problems but I am sure that it will not be less than a 5 as your work is extremely well done in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Problems and Solutions about local museums [5]

Tung, there are two points for correction in your essay. In the opening statement, you did not accurately paraphrase the prompt you were provided. There is a big difference between local people not visiting museums and local people ignoring the local museums. When you say "ignore" that means "refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionally." Which is not the case here. the locals know the museum exists. They just don't visit the museum for unknown reasons. To immediately conclude that they are intentionally disregarding the existence of the museum is the wrong assumption. Specially when you read the line of reasoning presented later on. The paraphrased statement and the discussion you present does not fall under the "ignore" aspect. It is incorrect to say that the "local residents are supposed to ignore" the museum. Rather, you should be saying that "local residents do not have a keen interest in visiting the museum." 'supposed to ignore" means that the locals are required to ignore or not visit the museum, which is not a correct assumption. They are not required to ignore the museum nor refrain from visiting it, they just end up not going to the museum for some reason.

It would have been better for your essay if you had not mentioned the high cost of museum entrance fees in the second paragraph if you were not going to offer a solution for it in the third paragraph. Bear in mind that when you are asked to represent solutions to problems, you need to make sure that all the scenarios that you presented in the previous paragraph have proposed solutions in the next paragraph. In this case, subsidies or free entrance days to the museums would have been a logical attraction to entice the locals to visit the museum.

Work on better developing your concluding paragraph. Make sure that you accurately sum up the discussion and that your English skills are better highlighted at the close of the essay. The concluding paragraph is your last chance to impress the reviewer with your ability to read, understand, and write in English. So don't limit yourself to only one sentence. Fully utilize the concluding paragraph for your benefit.

Writing Feedback / The question is whether the motherhood is essential in raising children. IELTS Writing task 2 [4]

Khoa, you need a sense of clarity and prompt adherence in your opening statement. While you did make a convincing paraphrase of the original prompt, the instruction regarding the extent of your agreement or disagreement with the statement is not really clear. A clearer version of this opening statement can be found below:

While women have the final decision as to whether or not to have babies, I do not believe they alone have the right to raise the child. Other people believe that the presence of a father in a child's life is also important. So fatherhood carries equal weight when it comes to raising the child. Based upon several reasons that I will be presenting in this essay, I hope to convey the extent of my agreement with those people who believe that fatherhood is just as important as motherhood.

Your simple English sentences manage to get your point across to the reader. That is good work on your part. However, you have a tendency to write in a relaxed manner when this essay requires consistent academic writing. Try to avoid using words like "etc." and other abbreviations in your essays as that signifies non-academic writing principles and could have an adverse effect on your score.

Work on improving your concluding paragraphs. Bear in mind the reason why the concluding paragraph exists. That is to remind the reader about the topic being discussed, the reasons presented in relation to the discussion, and what your opinion of the matter is. You can highlight the concluding paragraph by starting it with terms like " In conclusion", "Finally", "In the end", and "To close this discussion", among other references to the closing statement. Remember, no new information. A paragraph with new information presented is not considered a conclusion. If you count 3 reasoning based paragraphs in your essay, the next paragraph should be the conclusion.

I am not sure why there is additional information after your single concluding sentence. Did you forget to delete that? It doesn't sound like it is part of the conclusion you had developed.

Graduate / What goals do you have for yourself, including both personal and professionals goals? [5]

@munkhjin23 are you applying for an undergraduate course or a masters degree? Your essay is not very understandable. There is no development of your personal and professional goals. Only a statement of fact. You need to clearly explain your goals, both personal and professional in every paragraph so that the reviewer will understand what exactly you ambition to achieve in the future. All of the discussions that you present in this essay are related to professional goals. You do not have any personal goals indicated. No, your personal goals and your career goals are never the same thing. The personal goals are related to your personal development outside of the workplace. The professional goals relate to your work and future professional progress. In my opinion, You need to write a totally new essay that represents only 2 paragraphs. The first paragraph will represent your personal growth goals. Explain how additional studies will help expose you to an ideal personal growth. The second paragraph should indicate only 1 career goal. Not multiple career goals that you cannot explain to the reviewer, as is the case with your current presentation. Think of your short term career goal based upon the course that you hope to enroll in at the moment. Discuss that as your professional goal instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Travel and work are the only reason for learning a foreign language [3]

@Allentseng I can see that you understood the prompt requirement in its original form. Sadly, you were not able to properly restate the prompt, the discussion requirement, and clearly outline the expected discussion in your paraphrased opening statement. The lack of a properly restated prompt shows a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in the opening statement. This will, in an actual test, lead to a lower than passing score for your task accuracy portion. since the Task Accuracy portion is one of the most important considerations in your written essay, it is very possible that your essay will not be very good in the overall consideration of the 4 criteria for scoring.

Speaking of scoring, the overall possible score for your essay is a 4. That is because the essay is not very good when it comes to discussion presentation and formatting. While paragraphs 2-4 shows the correct sentence requirement, the shortness of your opening statement and concluding paragraphs will affect your grammar accuracy score. Keep reminding yourself that the improvement of your score will rely on the more complex sentence presentation and improved vocabulary. The paragraph stands a better chance of proving that you are capable of writing well in English and that you understand how to use English words in the correct context of a sentence if you can present your thoughts within 3-5 sentences per paragraph.

Your line of reasoning and examples provided are good but under developed in terms of proper representation of your discussion. If you try to discuss a limited number of examples, meaning only one example per requirement in the essay, you can spend more time proving that your English language usage has the potential to make you a good student in an English speaking school in the future. Once the reviewer realizes that you have a good command of the English language, meaning you can be understood properly by the reader, then you will most likely improve your overall final score for the essay portion.

Writing Feedback / The prevention on health problems and illness is more important than treatment and medicine. [2]

Sana, your paraphrasing is not in the acceptable format. It does not clearly explain the original topic for discussion nor does it accurately outline the type of discussion that shall be proceeding. Due to the lack of information regarding your essay, I am unable to accurately address the prompt responsiveness of your opening statement. Please remember to always include the original prompt instructions with your essays for review.

Your second paragraph is also unacceptable as it goes beyond the maximum 5 sentence requirement per paragraph. That happened because you decided to discuss 2 separate ideas in a single paragraph. Each paragraph must contain only one idea and one discussion in order to accurately represent your control of the written English language. Therefore, this paragraph should have been divided into 2 with the example of Polio representing the 3rd paragraph in the 5 paragraph opinion essay.

Your conclusion is even more problematic as you totally disregarded the English writing rules by starting the sentence with a small rather than a capitalized letter. The academically accepted rule is that the first word of a given sentence, regardless of its placement in the paragraph, must be capitalized. Aside from that, your conclusion does not follow the mandatory format for an essay conclusion. Review the rules regarding the proper writing of an essay conclusion in order to correct this mistake in the future.

Writing Feedback / Motorways help people travel quickly and cover long distances but they also cause problems. [3]

Anu, the overall score for your essay is a 5. The score is based upon the improper paraphrasing of the opening statement, lack of proper paragraph / discussion development, and lack of complex sentence development. Your lexical resource is amateur at best and did not help to increase your score either. Had you properly paraphrased the prompt discussion, your score could have been increased to at least a 6. At this point, your biggest problem in the essay seems to be your inability to properly paraphrase the prompt. That led to a misunderstanding of the prompt requirements and your discussion. Since the paraphrasing is supposed to outline the discussion, in the manner required by the original instruction, you need to practice developing your outline statements. Make sure that you only offer the topic for discussion, the discussion purpose, and the manner of discussion properly in the opening statement before you move on to the body paragraphs.

In order to increase your score, use only one strong discussion subject per paragraph instead of 2. The way you have your paragraphs set up, you only managed to present the idea instead of properly setting up the discussion in a coherent and cohesive manner. That means that the paragraphs need to clearly show your topic and fully explain its relevance to the discussion. This is how you manage to increase your vocabulary and grammar score. When you try to present more than one idea in a paragraph, the essay suffers because you are not able to properly represent your English grammar / written skills.

In reference to your paragraphs, make sure that you always have at least 3 sentences in there, regardless of whether it is the paraphrasing, body paragraph, or conclusion. With regards to the conclusion that you have written, you should have properly summarized the effects of the development of motorways within the paragraph. One sentence representing that would have been sufficient. As it is, your concluding statement is incomplete and could really use some work so you could improve the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Life was better when technology was simpler. To what extent do you agree or disagree? [2]

@YuTingJim the approach you have taken to the discussion of this essay is faulty. Note that the prompt specifically asks for the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement with the statement. Therefore, your opinion should be stated in the something similar to the following manner; "I disagree with the opinion that life was better when technology was simpler. The extent of my disagreement is based upon several reasons that I will be discussing in the following paragraphs." There is also a problem with your paraphrasing of the prompt topic for discussion. Your first sentence should have been presented as 2 separate sentences because there are 2 separate thoughts being presented in it. Therefore, each separate thought requires a separate sentence. A comma or the word "and" can only be used in a sentence if it is going to be representing 2 connected or interrelated thoughts. Since you are depicting two types of thought, you need to separate the sentences. You must also learn to properly summarize your discussion by correctly representing another version of the paraphrased statement, a comprehensive listing of your reasons, and a closing sentence. The closing sentence can be something as simple as "In conclusion..." at the start of the paragraph. Please refrain from introducing new information, as you did in this essay, within the conclusion as the concluding statement is never used to present additional information or opinions in the essay. That is academically unacceptable and will lower your final score.

Writing Feedback / Motorways have both positive and negative impacts on the social community [3]

Are you kidding me?! Please remember that your essays cannot be properly reviewed and assessed if you cannot provide us with the proper prompt instructions. It is not a smiling matter to tell us that you cannot remember the question. How can you be helped or advised regarding improvements if there is nothing to base the observations of your work on? I cannot tell you that you did a good job if I don't know what the job you are being asked to do is. Remember, accuracy on your part means useful advice for your improvement on the contributors end.

The essay that you wrote is confused, does not follow any coherent or cohesive discussion in relation to the (possible) prompt and and in effect would not get a passing score. Do not do research when writing these essay practices because you are not going to have internet access at the testing center. Always be conscious of the time limit (30 minutes) when you practice writing the test. Within 30 minutes, you only have time to use popular knowledge or personal experience for your discussions. Since I am not clear as to what your actual discussion instruction is, I cannot even tell you how to improve the possible problem points with your discussion.

My final advice for you is this. Take the practice tests seriously. Offer a complete prompt discussion instruction when you ask us to review your essay. Make sure that you apply the correct writing method when you develop your essay. This is not a joke. This test will determine if you can study in the UK, Australia, and Canada, or not. This is not a tongue in cheek test so there is no "Ooops! Sorry!" moment. When you can't even remember the instructions for the essay, then you are bound to fail it.

Writing Feedback / Folklore Turkish food - Dolma/Yaprag [2]

Farhad. you need too develop the evolutionary story of Dolma from the Yaprag stage before you being to discuss the modern evolution and the reasons why it has become a popular food fare in these modern times. The food history is important because it shows the traditional importance of the food and also allows the reader to understand why the preparation styles have evolved over time. Without that historical context, your essay is lacking in terms of informing the reader regarding and enticing them to either try to prepare the food or order it at a Turkish restaurant (if available). Don't end the recipe so abruptly. Since you are still writing a research essay, you must add a concluding statement at the bottom of the recipe. It would be nice if you could conclude the essay with the reasons as to why you chose to use this recipe for this presentation, or something along those lines. The work you did is acceptable, but can be further improved if you consider using my aforementioned suggestions.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship: my response to the leadership and influence prompt [3]

Timothy, you must edit the content of your essay with regards to word count. The leadership and networking essay is limited to a maximum of 500 words. You currently have 715 words. That is 215 words over the maximum. The best way to cut down on the word count is to focus your leadership experience on a maximum of 250 words and the networking at another maximum of 250 words. Unfortunately, I cannot edit the content of the essay for you because you alone can choose which leadership abilities you wish to highlight and which networking ability you want to focus on. Since there is no real work requirement for the Chevening, my advice is that you focus more on developing the discussion regarding the community tribe that you lead. I feel as if this section better displays your leadership skills (of the older and younger generation), influencing (of the members of the organization specially when it came to donor fatigue as this requires direct influencing), and networking (getting new donors) as well. Chevening will consider this as a valid display of your leadership, influencing, and networking skills.

Try save some word count in order to create a valid networking commentary at the end of your essay where you explain how you plan to utilize the network you will be creating through Chevening ( or what you hope to gain from it) and what Chevening can expect from you in terms of networking for the future members of the scholarship foundation. This last part is a standard feature of this essay prompt and should not disappear from your revised version.

Since I have given you very detailed instructions as to how to revise this essay, you will need further guidance from me regarding the new version. However, I am limited to offering only one free advice per thread / essay. Please consider making this essay "Urgent" so that I can continue to direct you once you have completed the required changes in your essay. Email our moderators in order to get detailed instructions for the "Urgent" conversion of your thread. If you post a revised version in this thread, it will be deleted due to being multiple posts in the same thread and I will not be able to guide you anymore.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 2] - Some people propose that smoking should be banned completely [6]

Chantel, your body paragraphs for the defense of your stance is perfect. It is within the required sentence number per paragraph and shows a logical thought development followed by a cohesive presentation of ideas in each paragraph. If you can, I would like you to work on creating transition sentences for the end of your paragraph body so that you can create a more fluid flow of discussion into the next paragraph instead of the abrupt change in topic discussions that you now present.

As for the negatives of your paper, there are a few that I have to point out. The first is that the opening statement does not accurately represent the prompt requirement. Here an example of a proper prompt paraphrase for this paper (make sure to follow the example for the rest of your practice papers):

Smoking is an activity that has been enjoyed by many people through the centuries. However, there has been a recent rise in the discussion as to whether smoking should be banned completely or not. In my opinion, smoking should be completely banned. In this essay, I will be discussing the reasons that I feel justify my support for a total smoking ban.

You need to make sure that you properly introduce the topic for discussion, the opinions presented in the essay, and what sort of discussion is to follow (personal opinion). These comprise the essay outline that serve to help the reader understand what kind of essay discussion they are to expect from you. The way that you present the paraphrased prompt will also be used to determine your ability to understand, analyze, and follow English instructions.

Your conclusion is improper because it is to be used as a discussion summary at the end of the essay. This is to be composed of a minimum of 3 sentences as well. Not a single paragraph as you have now. Your task in the conclusion is to restate the prompt, summarize the important discussion points, then present a closing sentence to signify that the essay discussion is complete. Do not present new information in the conclusion because that will turn it into another body paragraph instead of a closing commentary.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS: Task 1] Shares of the mobile phone market - the table. [2]

You can most likely get a 5 for the task accuracy portion and a 6 for the rest of the scoring criteria. That means that with this analytical summary essay, your overall score falls between a 5 and a 6, depending on the smaller considerations that the examiner will take into account while considering your work. Your information presentation is alright. The problem is that your summary paragraph / opening paragraph does not follow the proper requirements for this essay. Your opening statement must never be a thorough discussion of the information provided. It must always and only describe the type of illustration, the point of the illustration, and the information that you will be presenting. The opening statement is, in effect, nothing more than an overview of the body paragraphs. Since this is a 5 paragraph essay, the essay paragraph should be as follows:

1 - Summary paragraph
2-4 body paragraph with discussions of the content of the illustration
5 - Conclusion

The final paragraph should accurately sum up your analysis of the given data and what the data analysis trends towards. You have the correct minimum number of paragraphs in the essay so keep doing that. The problem you have has to do with the presentation of the information as previously indicated. Though your grammar structure is not perfect, it is capable of delivering your analysis in an understandable manner and therefore, is not as big of a problem as it could have been. Good job! I hope to see continued improvement on your part.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Students take distance-learning courses or in a real class. Which one is better? [3]

Vivian, even though this essay has some minor grammatical flaws and lacks an appropriate concluding paragraph, I can safely tell you that you have the ability to get the highest mark of 5 in this section of the TOEFL test. You have used the "hook" to reel in your reader very effectively in the opening statement and you clearly and accurately paraphrased the prompt requirement, issuing a personal opinion, without actually discussing it in the opening statement. The opening paragraph alone is already worth applauding. A point for correction though. When you are going to be relying on your personal experience in defense of your stance, then take ownership from the very beginning. Try to avoid using too many idioms or proverbs in your next paragraphs because those are most effective only as hooks in your opening statement. In the body of the essay, those just become word fillers to meet the minimum requirement. When you are discussing from a personal point of view, a personal experience is always the best narrative to show. For example, when you mention the need for friends in the classroom, don't be hypothetical about it. Make the paragraph stronger by using a real event that happened to you. When you discuss the drawbacks, one will be enough. There is no need to over discuss the issue. Remember, you only have 30 minutes to draft, review, edit, and finalize your essay. Keep the essay short but informative. Don't forget to conclude the essay with the summary of the discussion at the end. That is the only unrepresented paragraph in your essay that would have possibly pulled your score down to a 4. Overall, your command of the English language is almost at a native speaker level and that will help you pass the TOEFL with flying colors in the end.

Writing Feedback / My Autobiography..... I'm the only child. [4]

Annabelle, I am not sure what the point of this statement is. As a summary presentation of your background, regardless of the minor grammatical structure errors, the information presentation works. It has complete information about you. Although, mentioning your mother in the essay doesn't make sense because you did not create a direct relationship of your mother's information with your given information. The fact that you are an only child and the work of your mother should be better integrated into the first paragraph. I am not sure why you are writing this paper. Is it for a masters degree application or something? Since I do not know what the purpose of this exercise is, I am unsure as to how to help you improve your presentation in terms of content and format. I wish you had included that information in your posting so I could have given you a more accurate review and applicable advice.

Essays / Title For Poem Analysis Essay [5]

Ariel, you have way too many themes involved in the development of your poem analysis to successfully develop an effective title at this point. What you should do is write the various aspects that are required by your professor for the analysis. You have to first, write the complete paper and then after, review what you have written and try to see what pops out at you. It could be the major discussion point of the essay or a quote that you have taken a fancy to. Think of a title that will best describe what you have written in terms of analysis and quotes. For now, you should use a place holder for the title instead. A suitable place holder title for this would be as simple as "A Thematic Analysis of Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost". The place holder will at least keep you on track regarding the point of your literary analysis while you develop the rest of the paper. It is extremely difficult to develop a title if you have not written the paper yet. That is like putting the cart before the horse.