Writing Feedback / BENEFITS AND DRAWBACKS OF CREDIT CARDS [4]


This sentence does not convey a clear idea :( Is this what you meant;
On the other hand, credit cards offer very convenient solutions in terms of having access to funds.
Credit cards are able to help people arrange the remote payment ofmake payments remotely for the goods and products by using online payment channels, hence, being used in the variety of financial aspects.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Being a volunteer in the community is not rare among high school students [5]


...


Well, as per the prompt you need to express your opinion about the issue. It is always good to state your opinion in a clear statement before concluding your introduction instead of writing vague sentences that do not give an idea as to which view you hold.

Although you need to improve on the structure, it seems you have good writing skills :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : Born talents or Experiences - which is the major influence? [4]


Not "might", but they do influence :)
Characteristics and experiences both influence the personality and development of people.


This is not what your prompt says. It states that characteristics we are born with dominate our personality development than experiences. You are asked to express your opinion on this and justify that. So, present the prompt as it has been told to you;

The personality and development of people are influenced by both their born characteristics and experiences. (hook) According to certain research studies, the characteristics we are born with play a dominant role in determining our personality and development. (background of the hook). However, in my personal belief, I think the experiences have more influence on our personality and development than born characteristics. (thesis statement)

Writing Feedback / Toefl evalution - Impact of television on children [4]

Among all the entertainment options television has earned enormous public vote of the publicover other types of entertainment media . The major factor after this preference is (no ;)currently television can be easily availed in even small towns at economic costis one of the most economical options available for entertaining ourselves.Although it is adored by populace but effect of televisionHowever,its impact on growing children is a major concern although it differ from children to children.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 7 WRITING TASK 2: ARE THE ENTERTAINERS PAID TOO MUCH? [3]

It is common to rouse a debate on whether celebrities deserve their paymentssuch high revenueswhenever we talk about them. Some people think these entertainers are significantly overpaid when compared to people from other occupationsthe other professionals who make meaningful contributions to society . From my perspective, their massive influencesthe influence these celebrities have on society and their immense contributions havemadejustify their high salary acceptable.income levels.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: advantages and disadvantages of working mother [4]


... hey, this makes us confusing :D .... I mean "throughout the world" and "several countries"


You should have polished this idea a little bit for your hook and left out the above sentence;
Today, many women have become working mothers.


Although there are no ceiling on the maximum word count (you can go upto even 1000 words if time permits :D ) I think agi has got a good point. You need to handle time efficiently and hence you should limit your writing only to the essential ideas. Otherwise you would not be able to complete your essay within the time allocated for this task :(

Writing Feedback / A paragraph for IELTS: benefits of mobile phones [4]

The functions like call-answering function and texting function allow people to be contactedstay connected easily from wherever they are, which hashaveessentially revolutionized the way people communicate with their friends and business partners today.

This is for which IELTS Task?

Writing Feedback / How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers? [4]

You asked me to help with your other thread and here I am :)


Your opening sentence should hook the reader. So it should be an interesting, relevant and meaningful sentence. The above is not very well presented and therefore fails to serve its purpose :( .... you can tell the same idea in a more simple and interesting way -

Job satisfaction is one of the most important considerations for one's well being.
You show a tendency to present your ideas in a very complex manner. Especially your sentence structures are too complicated and they make them reader tired. Use more direct speech instead of passive sentences and present your ideas with better clarity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : About Technology Effect [3]

As the high developing of technology,With the rapid development of information communication technologies, people now have a lot of ways to communicate with their family, friends, and even the strangers.


This comes too abruptly. You have not introduced the background of your prompt adequately :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]


Well, this whole para is totally out of topic. This task is a time bound task for which you need follow a structure that helps you earn marks and manage time. I think the above para would put you in lots of trouble at the real exam :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: the advantage and disadvantage of media for communicating information [4]


This is not a strong hook :(
Well, follow this structure for your introduction.

Undergraduate / Describe why you would like to study in the US. Global Ugrad exchange program. [2]


I feel you are dragging a bit too much here. You can easily do away with the first sentence.


Why do you bring others into this idea? Why not tell that you do not want to learn about America through a distant approach, but you would want to learn through your own experiences?

You need to be the subject always :)

Writing Feedback / Public health is a big issue. Government can play an important role in improving it. [3]

Include your prompt also in the post. That helps us understand better what it requires from you.


Very good introduction.
On the other hand, it is the individuals are thosewho should be responsible for their health
Overall, good writing. Is this for IELTS , TOEFL? Better mention that too in the title.

Writing Feedback / "Prevention is better than cure". Out of a country's health budget, [9]

First, you should have included your essay prompt in the post so that we can have a better understanding about what it expects from you. Overall, I think you need lots of improvement with regard to essay structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: AIR TRANSPORT USED TO EXPORT FOOD [3]

You do not introduce the background of your prompt properly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS. The Question is: The replacement of old workers. Do you agree or disagree? [3]

It is better if you include the full prompt in your essay so that we know what it exactly expects from you.

Writing Feedback / attending in university [4]

Hi
There a few admin requests I need to make. First you should have a meaningful title for your essay (do this in the subject field when you open a new thread). Also you should open your thread in the most appropriate forum. In this case it is the Writing Feedback. These are forum rules and hope you would start complying with them with your next thread :) We have attended to your essay title and the forum category.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Usually directors are paid much higher salaries than simple workers. [3]

MostIn most of the big corporation's,their CEO's salary is incomparable to that of ordinary workers.

Some people believe that they are deserveddeserve to earn such high salaries it because of their high education, responsibility and skillsit is their decisions that provide the strategic direction to a company. However,while others are against of it.for this salary disparities.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing test 1. Cement and concrete production diagrams. Ielts8 [11]


Ok, let's take part by part :D


e.g.
The two diagrams illustrate the details of cement and concrete production. The first diagram presents the process of cement production. The second diagram presents the composition of raw materials in concrete production.


Overall, more process stages and machinery are involved in cement production while the concrete production is a simple process that requires only the mixing of raw materials in right composition.


Now do the detailed analysis ;)

Writing Feedback / It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents. [5]

Hi,
Is this essay written for IELTS or TOEFL purpose? Better mention that in the title itself so that others can provide you with more task related comments. Also include the full prompt in your essay for us to understand what it really does require from you.

Admittedly, rarely do professional sport players or musiciansbecomesbecome successful without receiving intense training. Beethoven, for instance, went on to findhad the guidance from a renowned music teacher to coachfor developing his music talentshis music development.

Writing Feedback / The Perceptions of The Electronic Device in Modern Era [3]


This has some grammar issues :(
For the last twenty years, since the invention of the Internet, people find easy to communicate with one another irrespective of geographical or time barriers.

Is this a practice essay for IELTS or TOEFL? You better include the prompt in your essay so that we know what exactly expects from you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Whether necessary to travel abroad to learn about foreign culture or not [4]


Well... in this task, you would be given marks for particular features of your essay. That is why I gave you the above structure. That is what most of the IELTS sites and experts suggest for this task. It's easy follow and quite logical too. Since this task has a major bearing on time, it is good to follow a particular structure (preferably the above) when you do practice essays. That helps you save time and include all essential features in your essay to get a decent score :)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, food travels thousands of miles from the farm to the consumer. --ielts [8]


Well, I still feel you don't have to talk about both sides in this essay. The reason is that the prompt does not ask you to discuss both sides (if it does, yes then you have to discuss both advantages and disadvantages) In this case it asks -


... So, the question is as direct as Agree/ Disagree. You need to choose one of them and then take your reader along the path of your opinion. You should discuss both if you hold the opinion that it has advantages and disadvantages equally. However, in my personal view, it's always easier take one side and argue on that. You have to be mindful about the time factor too :)

Writing Feedback / first impression about a person´s character - toefl [4]

You have followed a good structure.


.... the latter part makes your sentence pretty confusing. :(
As a human beings , we develop several defense methods, and first impression is one of them. Sometimes, when we have to face unknown people for the first time, we try to anticipatetend to be careful in our interactions without knowing them wellhow they are.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Whether necessary to travel abroad to learn about foreign culture or not [4]

You need to have examples to support your reason.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Describing chart - help me to correct if any mistakes! [6]

Hey ... that's too small and not readable at all. You need to enlarge the picture and attach it here :(
The table indicates the variationdetails of consumer spending on a series of items of three group, Food/Drinks/Tobacco, Clothing/Footwear and Leisure/Education in the five countries, namely, Ireland, Italy, Spain in 2002.

You have named only three countries, where are the other 2?

Book Reports / THIRD CULTURE KIDS (article re-write) [8]


I never laugh :) I have understood how keen you are on improving your English writing skills and I want to help you in that mission with my best ability. That is the reason why I keep posting my comments for your every essay. I may not be sugar coating when I give my comments to you, but all of them are aimed at helping you understand the mistakes and bettering your writing skills. I will find some good essays written here on TOEFL and IELTS topics and give you the links. You can read them to enhance your vocabulary knowledge and sentence structures. You should not try very complicated words and sentence structures at the beginning. Have priority for delivering ideas more clearly.

Book Reports / THIRD CULTURE KIDS (article re-write) [8]


I know the above is not a part of your essay. But I felt like giving you the grammar corrections;
I try to re-write an article which I read / I try to re-write an article which was read by me

The rest is written very well... Didn't find any grammar issues :D

Writing Feedback / IETLS Task II : News Editor decide to broadcast or print in news paper [4]


Include a bit more information about your prompt in the intro. This is a sample that I would do for this topic;


News plays an important role in human affairs. Among the people who are behind the process of news creation, the news editor plays the most important role by deciding what news needs to be printed in the newspapers or broadcasted in the television. There are various important factors that influence these decisions. Also, there are different arguments about publishing good and bad news.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - "Health is wealth " ; average weight of people is increasing [5]


"Health is wealth " ; this is thea simple quote known to everyone.


This sentence does not deliver much meaning to your introduction:

Writing Feedback / Nowadays it is easy to apply for and be given a credit card. -- ielts [7]


.... granted what? you need to specify;
With the simple steps of one being granted credit


Second, the credit card is a safer method of making payments compared to carrying cash for the same purpose / Second, the credit card is a safer method of making payments in contrast to carrying cash for the same purpose.

Writing Feedback / Traditional methods of cooking is likely to be extinct - IELTS writing [7]


... This opening sentence needs to hook the reader. In other words it should grab the readers attention towards your writing. So it needs to be clear, relevant to your topic and interesting. The above is too long and makes the reader tired of memorizing so many facts you have writtten there. Don't write lengthy sentences for a hook :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS - TASK1 - BAR CHART - average bed use in three typical hospitals [7]

Where is the Bar Chart? You should upload the diagram for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. Without seeing your graph, we cannot give you appropriate comments. Use the "Attach File(s)" feature in the Message block to upload your image. You can do it now :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: "To err is human" - listening to the advice of family and friends [9]

You need to have a meaningful title for your threads. (this title has been attended by us). It's a forum rule and please comply with that rule. Also, you need to choose the most appropriate forum when you open a new thread. TOEFL essays should be opened in Writing Feedback forum and this essay has been moved from Grammar usage to Writing Feedback. Please follow these instructions when you open new threads.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Work in GROUP or Work independently? [4]

Hi,
I want to request you to have a more meaningful topic for your essay. The title should carry out some description of your essay and do this when you open a new thread in the Subject field. This is a forum rule and it also helps you earn more feedbacks too. This title is attended by us,

Working independently sharpssharpens our skills on the other hand ability of working with team gives us opportunitiesthe opportunity to learn many other importanat life skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Describing Map Chorleywood Area [11]


Very good introduction :)


... This is not so important observation. This is my suggestion
According to the map Chorleywood had recorded a very slow development since 1992 while it had its highest level of development after 1970.

This development expandsexpandedand made horizontal shaded area around the station in 1883 to 1992.

Writing Feedback / Task I, consumption and expenditure of Fast food [2]

The first chart provides agglomerationdetails of expenditure for fast food based on per-capita income and the second graph illustrates fast food consumption quantity from 1970 to 1990 in grams.

You have included an overview which explains the major observations of the graphical presentation. It is a must feature for this task.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Which Technology in the past 50 years has changed your life the most? [4]

Hi,
I know you are a newbie and Welcome to EF! First, I have a request from you :) You need to have a more meaningful title in the Subject field when you open a thread. It's a forum rule and it also helps you earn good feedbacks.

I think you need to pay more attention to the essay structure that is more appropriate for this task. I request Pahan or some other contributor to advise Toefltest123 about the structure ;)

You can write very well and by improving your essay structure, you can aim at a very good score.

Writing Feedback / "why a new global language is absolutely necessary for a new world.?" [7]

Your prompt is -


However you introduce it as;


Writing is only one aspect of a language and I do not understand why you narrowed down its scope only to writing. Is that what your topic is ? What is the purpose for this writing? IELTS or TOFEL? Or some classroom assignment?

Graduate / Fear, hunger, pain, death; Physician Assistant school/ re-applying [2]

The doctors recommendedwarned my mother to keepreduce my exposure to potential infections at minimal level.


I feel you should have had this phrase - "being a nurse" in the first sentence;
My mother, being a nurse, was too frightened to take any risk and left everything she had, her family and friends, to take me to the USA where she could give me better treatment.