Writing Feedback / education is important in the development of the country. Discuss. [4]


Don't worry... all of us are here to improve English .... so let's help each other for a common goal :)

I wish to align what you've said above with your topic;
1. Education helps people understand good morals and differentiate between right and wrong or good and bad. Therefore, it enables a country to have its nation more disciplined and productive.

2. Educated people can contribute largely to their country's economy by making contributions with their skills and competencies.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Universities should require students to study subjects in different fields? [4]

Well... your essay looks pretty lengthy. It's good if you can manage completing it well within the allowed time frame. Otherwise, you'll be in trouble. :)


.... here you sound a bit contradictory .... first you say that unis require students to take up subjects in other fields and at the end you say they do the oposite. It tends to confuse the reader.

I think the best approach for you is to give reasons as to why you do not agree with the statement and support them with more specific examples. Mind your time too :)

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [416]

Hi Chaunhu,
Welcome to EF! Glad to have you on board... Also, I visited your beautiful country last year. I love it.... I am from Sri Lanka and like to share my thoughts with you on your essays :)

Writing Feedback / Are Technology and Tradition incompatible? ; TOEFL [5]

I t is a fact that the advancement in science and technology often accompanies decline in historical traditions that had been followed for generations


... I wish if you said it differently;
This is not a good trend always. However, if we can do away with obsolete traditions that probably do not have any relevance or use for human society anymore while continuing to follow the useful traditions, then it is the best way to deal with this issue.

Writing Feedback / Should elder people live in nursing houses or stay with their family members? [6]


Nowadays, the increasing population of older people has become a problem to many countries and they find it is very hard to deal with this issue.


I think your essay reads better if you interchange these two sentences;
Nowadays, people can live longer than earlier generations due to advancement of the field of medicine and healthcare. As a result, there is an alarming upward trend of aging population which has become a serious issue for many countries to deal with.

Writing Feedback / Why tracing family history become popular and it is a negative trend [6]

in your introduction you said this is an undesirable trend. So.... you should now tell us the reasons as to why you think so. This whole paragraph talks about how it is being done, but nothing is said about justifying your position.


Okkkkkkkk... here it comes. But, with low significance. Your main focus should be on justifying your position. Why you say it is a bad trend?(reasons) How can you convince others that it's a bad trend?(examples)

Writing Feedback / Watching too much TV and violent images - essay [8]


.... watching what? .... Also, this has some grammar issues too.
Watching TV too often can have many negative effects, especially on young children.


... interesting idea.... yes, you are right :)


Watching TV make children less interactive

Letters / Letter of Excuse for absence [6]

Okkkkkkkk.... let see how I can help you;


Dear Madam,
I humbly request you to apologize my absence from ?????(have the duration of your absence here e.g. 9th to 11th February). The reason for my absence from 9th to 11th February is due to attending my uncles 40th day death anniversary. However on the 12th February I met with a motorcar accident and I suffered injuries. This is the reason for being absent from 12th February to ????. Please consider these reasons and kindly excuse my absence in class.

Fill in the places with ????? appropriately.
Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Older people should live with their families or at a nursing home [7]

yes... it is important to have the most appropriate word to express what you want. Don't worry, you can keep improving. Reading is the best way to improve your vocabulary because then you feel the whole expression together with new words. Keep practicing and post all your new essays here. I will try my best to help you improve... hopefully, i'll have free time for you in coming weeks :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Older people should live with their families or at a nursing home [7]


...."care for the elders"


well... "your opinion" and "someone else's advice" seem to be clashing ideas. Also, be careful when you use synonyms. They do have similar meanings but used to give different impressions. For example, the words "smile" and "laugh" are used to describe very different situations;

When you meet a person, you smile at him. That's the polite way to greet him. But if you laugh at this person, he would be very upset because that's a rude gesture.

So, use the words only if you are sure about their usage.

Writing Feedback / 'staying in touch' : Phones and E-mail have made communication less personal [6]


.... ideally, you should have started with this idea and then say how communication modes come in aid of this requirement.


.... this sentence is not properly constructed. It's difficult for others to understand your idea because of its poor organization and flow :( .... Avoid writing very long sentences. Think clear. Arrange your ideas logically. Then write short sentences to contain each idea (one line for one idea). That's the best way to start and keep improving!

Today, many people live in far away places from where their families and friends live due to their study and work commitments. Therefore, it is difficult for them to meet physically quite often. However, the telephone and e-mail help these people to stay connected with their loved ones every now and then.

Letters / Letter of Excuse for absence [6]


You can write either "Dear Madam" or " Dear Ms ????(her name)"
I have a few things to get clarified before I help you;
How many days you were absent?
Why you mention about your uncle?
Did you see a doctor after meeting the accident? (If so, you can mention that you have a medical certificate to prove you were sick or injured)

I will certainly help you with this note, if you can answer the above for me to figure out the real picture. ... :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Today young people are finding it harder and harder to find permanent jobs! [11]

Sorry... if I confused you.... You write well. I think I have written too much economic stuff with my re-phrasing. Forget it!


Wish you all the best Shumaila! Stay calm - you can do a good job at the exam! Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Today young people are finding it harder and harder to find permanent jobs! [11]


...You need to mention a reason why unemployment rate rises. Unemployment is the topic and you need to provide reasons for why it's happening.

Secondly, the economic down turn faced by many countries today is a major reason for hiking unemployment rates in their countries.


This situation has given rise to higher demand of labor supply in the market since the economy fails to expand and create more job opportunities for the graduates. Therefore, the employers are in a position to exploit the situation offering lower salaries to graduates and adopting "hire and fire" policy with temporary contracts.

Essays / Comming up with a Question for an essay (read more inside) [4]


Well... why do you want to start your essay with a question? Is it required for this writing or is that the way you wish to structure your essay? ... If it is the second reason, then you should know what question you need to highlight at the beginning. ....


... well, when you quote something, it should be in its original form. I don't think this is a good idea. I think the best way for you to get a start is to do a draft and post it here. Others would provide you advice as to how you can improve.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: people believe "unpaid community service should be compulsory part of shool" [2]


... facilities does not seem to be the best word to use there;
Such activities that include charity work, improving neighborhood, teaching under privilege children etc. have contributed to better our society in a large way.


Before coming to this point, you need to educate the reader about the argument. So, you've got to insert a sentence about the argument prior to this.



.... well, again "aspiration" is a wrong word to use for this idea. Aspiration means;
* A hope or ambition of achieving something: "he had nothing tangible to back up his literary aspirations".
* The object of such an ambition; a goal

Writing Feedback / TOELF TOPIC:big party including lots of people VS small party including close friends [9]



... don't use phrases if you are not confident ....


.... the latter part does not add any value to this sentence.
Seems you need to improve on vocabulary. Don't use words if you are not familiar with their usage.

Writing Feedback / IELTS extinction of languages in globalization are highly considered problematic [2]


On the other hand, the language is an important aspect of one's identity. Therefore disappearance of a language means that one would loose his or her identity in terms of culture, community etc..


.... well... give an example to suite your reason direct. Have an example that has a direct link with the language. This example is out of topic. :(


... this is not well written.... you need to re-phrase this line.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Should driving be taught at school? [10]


Lastly, to be a good driver, one needs to be responsible, disciplines and rich in his or her value system.


A driver should not consume drugs or alcohol while driving a car.


Unlike the family, the school has limitations in providing insights for students to develop good moral values.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Paid work for children is good or bad? Discuss [10]


You can say this in a more simple tone;
It is still controversial that children should be engaged in some type of paid work.


Your prompt asks what opinion you hold. So express your opinion in the introductory paragraph itself.

Writing Feedback / TOELF TOPIC:big party including lots of people VS small party including close friends [9]


People generally love to celebrate the events like birthdays, graduation, adult ceremony etc. The most common way of celebrating such events is hosting parties.


As for me, I would like to hold a big party with lots of friends, both immediate and extended family members in order to keep the party spirit high, form new friends, and network well with others.

Writing Feedback / What are the negative effects of overpopulation? [5]


First, overpopulation may increase the demand for infrastructure in an alarming degree.


As the population grows the demand for food, hospitals, schools and transportation etc. also gets multiplied.
You need to have at least four paragraphs for this essay. Have an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Social behavior changes in some ways when children become adults! [6]


,,,,,,,,,,,,,, hmmmmmmm very ture...


.... for example, they would cry when they feel sad or they would smile when they are happy.


Whereas, older people do not easily let their emotions out and hide their true feelings.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Paid work for children is good or bad? Discuss [10]


Actually, what you try to say is that working at an early age help children earn very valuable life and social skills. So tell it more direct.


... great :)


... I cannot link this example to your reason. Give more specific examples for your reasons.


... This point reads repeatedly ....

Writing Feedback / Why most big cities are noise-polluted? Discussion [4]


... there are lots of errors here.... grammar, vocabulary and spellings.
manufacturing industry (not industrial)
My advice for you is to write simple clear sentences. Don't crowd your sentences with too many big words. Most of the time, synonyms don't work. They give total different idea when inappropriately used.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY:-People learn things better from those at their own level [5]

.... yes... dumi is right ... your prompt does not refer to people of same age... it can be and cannot be both. So it is good if you do not specify.


Secondly, we are free to express ourselves when we are among the peers. On the other hand, we tend to hesitate to express our feelings or doubts in front of our superiors because we fear the consequences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The number of cases of diarrhea in Mashhad between 1983 and 1992 [4]


... good start :)


.... this sentence is poorly constructed. Better re-phrase!


According to the graph, the number of people, who suffered from diarrhea, was maintained at the level of 100. During next two years this number was doubled.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Social behavior changes in some ways when children become adults! [6]


....not to worry... this is a very general phenomenon :D
When becoming older, people have a redundancy to change the ways they were used to think and behave[/quote]


Well... I think you should limit the number of reasons per para to one. However, always provide one specific examples for each reason.

Writing Feedback / What makes your town attractive? [2]


.... your prompt talks about a town or city (which is different from community) and therefore you better maintain that .
Every town has its own authentic features that make it very unique and different from other towns or cities.


... singularity is an inappropriate word. Also, this line really does not deliver what you intended. You better re-phrase this sentence.


My town has beautiful landscapes and its weather is ideal for plants to grow.

Writing Feedback / Can a child be taught talents or he is born with talents? [5]


....no need of a comma after "that"



.... Well , Beethoven's case is your example and therefore you need to give more prominence for that;
Beethoven, the most renowned musician was born deaf, but his extraordinary talent for music made him world famous.

Writing Feedback / Parents should send their children to school and let them live happily [3]


.... I don't think many families do this. Of course there are some families that prefer home schooling. So, I suggest you to replace "many " by "some".


Although there can be many valid reasons for such decisions, the parents need to understand that social skills are as important as theoretical knowledge for their children. Schools are the best places for a child to learn social skills because they provide such environments that ordinary households cannot.


Therefore, I personally believe that schools are a better option for educating children. .... better express your opinion simple and direct.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; We are getting more and more greedy & selfish; Should we go back to the past? [6]

As everybody else above, I too suggest you to write simple sentences with more clarity. Don't have the habit of replacing words with synonyms as they may interpret a total different meaning.

Also don't let your sentences look crowded with too many words. Simplicity is more beautiful than glamour in many cases because it helps others to understand what you say.


There is no word "tarff" ... what is it? what do you mean? .... this is what I suggest you to introduce your topic;
The modern world is far more competitive than what it was earlier. This socioeconomic environment has influenced the modern man to be more greedy and selfish.

Writing Feedback / parents are the first people who show the children what they should or shouldnt [7]


.... the latter part does not fit in well with the previous idea and because of that it does not connect well with the first half. Take that idea to a new sentenc;

In addition,the children learn many important social skills at school that help them be disciplined.


.
For example, they need to follow set rules such as not being late for school. Therefore they need to wake up early in the morning to get ready to leave for school.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 65 ages and over population between 1940-2040 [6]

Your tone should be set for report writing and therefore it should have a more formal presentation. For example;


.... the word "remarkable" does not help you maintain a reporting style. Also this sentence fails to deliver a logical reason. This is what I suggest;

Japan is expected to record the highest proportion level of aged population by 2040 exceeding the levels of the USA and Sweden by 5% and 2.5% respectively.



.... "distinguish" makes this sentence questionable as to what you try to mean. You need to re-phrase your conclusion.


Yes.... this is a good place for you to improve your writing skills. We will help you at our best!
Cheers!

Writing Feedback / goverment has a plan to plant trees , dose this have affect on ecosystem and water ? [2]



Each organism of the ecosystem has heavy dependence on other living beings and vice verse contributing to an ecological community.


... Hey... don't forget basic punctuation rules... Start your sentences with capital letters :D


... too long dear friend ...
Overall, your essay is not focused on what the prompt asks. You take quite a long time to come to the point.

Writing Feedback / Social networks create more harm than good to teenagers. What are your views ? [11]


... I too agree.


.... travelling? .... Well, people don't need to travel to learn about things in other countries. Movies, books, magazines etc. are some of the sources that provided such information long before internet was borne. You can say;

The Internet is particularly an important invention in respect of clearing all sorts of geographical barriers across the globe.


.... the emphasis should be given more on social networks and not on the Internet. It seems you focus is less on that :(

Writing Feedback / Compare and Contrast: Two kinds of transportation/ DRIVING & FLYING [4]


Secondly, it is also important to consider the distance you intend to travel.


... here the issue is that travelling on surface would take a much longer time. It's actually not about the price, but time, convenience and comfort. I strongly feel, air travel is anyway more expensive than all other modes.

Your essay needs better organization of ideas. They seem to be scattered sporadically. Arrange them in a more logical sequence and re-write this essay.

Writing Feedback / Talent vs Training - Talent is more important! [5]

Isn't your essay too short? I think it needs a little bit flesh :D


.... You need to take this to the next para. You need an introduction for your essay. Then you need body paragraphs and a conclusion. I like the structure dumi recommends. It sounds pretty logical and easy to follow too. In this following thread you'll find it...

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Why Do People Feel Isolated from Each Other and what are the solutions? [3]


.... yes of course.... great start!


.... How about introverts? They love isolation and do not like to mingle with others...So, for some people, it's in their DNA ...lol


... why do you say "subject A" ? I feel you should treat him or her more politely ...LOL .... I prefer the word " person A" to "subject A". :D

Writing Feedback / Young adults are full of dreams and passion about their future. Do they need more independence? [3]


...this is a little too long... If you break this up to include one idea per sentence, it would read much nicer.


When these children turn out young adults they would long for complete freedom and love the idea of independence. However, they are unaware of the negatives of becoming independent without maturity and experience.


... too long again :(
Instead if they continue to live with their parents until they become more matured to handle situations on their own , they would be able to face challenges more effectively and make wise decisions.