Madouh, Have you given any thought to actually developing a career plan that would fully utilize a partnership with the British groups as part of your long term career goal? I was thinking along the lines of having you mention a specific British group in general, rather than one that is part of an organized effort or as common as the Red Cross or Red Crescent Partnership. Consider if you will, what you hope to accomplish for Syria in terms of recovery and development. I am sure it relates to your chosen profession right? So find the specific British group that can work with you and lay out your plan for working with them for the good of Syria. That way your long term goal becomes something tangible. It tells the reviewer that you are actually looking forward to making a real difference in the long term pursuit of rebuilding your country. As of now, all you have are general ideas that sound nice on paper, but in terms of execution, remains wanting. So if you have at least a solid long term goal to present, in terms of cooperation at least, then your essay will have a more solid presentation of your future plans. Basically, what you should present looks something like this:
Plan + Partnership + idea for execution = Solution to an existing long term problem in Syria
Jasmine, try to collect your thoughts and focus on the true center of the story. The reader should be learning about the outcome of the failed volleyball game. The lessons that you learned from it, and how it helped you evolve into a better person. That said, your story seems to be all over the place at this point. So you failed to help your team score a point during the first half of the game. How did that affect the final score? Did the team lose? Were you the cause of the failure of the team to win the game? Explain why you feel it was your fault. What happened after that? Discussing your birthday deviates from the topic. I don't really feel like there was a lesson to be learned from this failure because it sounds like you gave up during the game. As a failure, you should have learned something from it. Probably something like "I decided to concentrate on learning the language instead because that is what I was good at." or something along those lines.
The rest of the essay sounds more like you did give up on something. There was no sense of you gaining a lesson from the event and using it to help better your future somehow. So when you say "Thank you for not giving up", the story doesn't relay the same message from my point of view. The rest of the information you provide about travel around Germany and the like do not relate to the story you told so it doesn't help to move your story along. In fact, it deviates from the topic and creates a secondary story that does not manage to tie in with the first story towards the end.
Leigha, I sense a disconnect between the main focus of your essay and its content. Your opening statement was very strong towards helping the veterans and the latter part said that you want to help the veterans who do not receive any healthcare. Yet your actions towards helping veterans this early, their connection to your actual ambition and how you hope to help them in the future cannot be seen nor felt in the other parts of the essay. If you give helping the veterans as the main core of your essay, then it should be a continuous process seen throughout the essay. Even as you speak of your other activities, you need to connect those to your desire to help the soldiers in need. Otherwise, you seem to be trying to tell two stories at once within the essay. The essay is good, but it needs to be improved in order to become better. Focus on a single story you want to tell and make sure you thoroughly develop that part of your essay in order to create a well written statement.
Hi Dominique ! Listen, I really liked the story that you had to share with the readers. It was really engrossing and gave us an insight into a life that was affected by drug use. However, I have a sense that the story lot its way towards the end. You spoke of looking for signs that your father was watching over you but you did not follow through on it. Did you ever receive the sign you were looking for? Also, the latter part of the story told us about how you have tried to repair yourself from the damage that the event created. Can you somehow include some information about an interest in drug prevention and abuse into it? That is, if you participate in such activities. I mention this only because the essay asks you to show that your life would be incomplete without this event. So, I would assume that you would have taken an interest in prevention activities because of the way your own family life was affected by drug use. It seems like a normal transition or part of the story because you called the addiction your father's killer. As such, you should have some strong feelings about either preventing it from happening to someone else or a family member, or bringing the killer to justice somehow. Like, did your family go after the drug pusher? What happened after that? Or if you did not go after the pusher / killer, why was that decision made and how did it affect your family and your life? These are some of the questions that, if answered, I feel would relate more towards the title and introductory paragraph of your essay.
Amanda, I think you need to focus your essay more on the story of how your mother's illness jump started your entrance into adulthood. Always remember that the center of the essay must never deviate from the main character, namely, you. If you review the first part of your essay, your mother is actually the focal point. So when you start to talk about yourself, you constantly refer back to her illness, which should not be the case. I think fixing the introduction should work well in this instance. For example I would say something like:
In the summer of 2011, my mother suffered from a Myocarditis. As she fought for her life at the hospital, I fought to help my father keep my family together. This was a turning point in my life. This was the time when all my life experiences converged to help me develop into an adult.
Then you can tell the story of everything that you did while your mother was in the hospital. Close it with her return home and the main lesson that you learned that made you feel like you were an adult now. By telling the story this way, I really think that you can keep the focus on yourself as the main character.
Hi Josh, I feel that your essay is both good and bad in the sense that it clearly responds to the second prompt but does not accurately portray how the navy can help you achieve your long term goals. Your response to the first prompt is really quite vague and long winded. I believe that this particular section of your essay can do with a little more extra work. For example, rather than vaguely telling the reader about the opportunities that the navy offers a graduate or a student, explain certain interests that you have which will have a chance of growing or being enhanced by your studies at the naval academy. The idea is to show them that you have a clear career path in mind, using their in-house educational system. That way, you can truly represent your ideas and how the naval academy education seamlessly integrates into those plans to make them a reality.
Aisha, the reason why you got lost in the middle part of the essay is because you tried to explain too many aspects of your background at once. In writing any effective statement, it is always best that you choose the most important topic for you to concentrate on discussing. This means choosing the 2 most closely related parts of your background to portray in the essay. So in this case, it would have to be your father's disorder and how it affected your family. Leave the community out of it.
Try to focus on the direct relation of the incidents to your development as a person. You can revise the introduction to start with the fact that you had to move homes because of his disorder. You don't really need to define the disorder for the reader. The real center of the story is how you had to move homes because of the bipolar problem. Your story is interesting and engaging to tell. Work on tightening it and making sure that the focus does not move from you as the center of the story. Be sure that you present how this experience helped shape the person you have become by explaining the lessons you learned from the experience. That is what the reader would like to learn more about towards the end of the story.
Hi Li, I have to say, your writing style is quite humorous and allows the reader to get to know you in a very lighthearted manner. The letter to your roommate was hilarious and could almost be imagined by the reader as the story would unfold in your dorm room. However, I think that you should also tell your roommate about how you do manage to wake yourself up in the morning. Just so the person will know what to expect in case you have some eccentric morning ritual they should be aware of.
As for the second response. It would be nice if you could find a way to merge the two things that matter most to you in a method that shows these two lines of learning have merged into the person you have become. That way, the reasons as to why these matter take on a more solid and coherent personality in a character trait of yours. That would certainly show that what matters to you is the person you have evolved into because of these interests. In my opinion, the stories you shared don't really give much strength to your beliefs as dictated by the anime story and Jon Stewart. Rather, the story should be about your vision for your future and how these lessons that you learned helped you come to that conclusion. After all, it is the conclusion that matters the most :-)
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