Writing Feedback / Leadership is one of my favorite subject study and my passion to influence people - Chevening essay [3]

Fatria, the first thing you have to do with this essay is delete the first paragraph. Why are you defining leadership and influence as if you were writing a research paper? referring to the academic definition of leadership and the concept of influence, complete with references doesn't move your essay forward, it only takes away the attention of the reviewer from the important information in your essay. In these types of written work, it is always best to just start with the topic of the prompt in the first paragraph. A flowery introduction is not necessary. This is not a high school paper. This is an academic paper for a masters degree course. Therefore, the reviewer is expecting a higher standard of essay writing from you.

You are blessed to be working in a position of such high responsibility in a bank. That is definitely a position that will easily allow you to portray a conflict on the job that required you to lead and inspire the people under your direct supervision. The fact that you are responsible for a whole department in the bank further strengthens this concept. All you have to do to make the point, is relay information about a memorable problem at the office that you had to resolve by successfully leading and inspiring your team. You already gave an overview of something like that in the essay. What you need to do, is be more specific in your discussion. Present the problem, what your role as the leader was, how you hoped to resolve the issue, why and how you inspired your team members, and finally, what the end result of your leadership and influencing intervention was.

This current essay has a generic, uncertain feel to it. You need to portray your confidence both in person and on paper. Most specially on paper because this is a formal interview for your scholarship. So make sure you do your best to make your talents, assets, and traits as leader stand out on paper. Do this within the first paragraph of the essay if you can so that you can maintain the interest of the reviewer throughout the paper.

Scholarship / 'As a student I built and maintain strong network' -- Networking Skills, Chevening. [11]

It would be better to start from scratch. In instances when your draft essay is person and activity specific, it is harder to edit the content. There is a larger degree of difficulty in trying to find the right parts of the paragraph to insert information in. There is also the problem of revising the already existing paragraphs to reflect the new message or theme of the essay.

Before you start your new essay, let me offer you some advice. Do not try to represent all of your contacts in the essay. Learn to choose only the important contacts you have. Make sure that the way you made the contact is well represented in the essay. You will need to explain:

1. What the organization you were affiliated with at the time is;
2. Why it was necessary to make this contact;
3. How you made the contact;
4. The result of your negotiations with the contact;
5. The end result of your objective.

Represent those information by presenting one or two of your most valued contacts. Then explain how you plan to use those contacts as a Chevening scholar then after, as an alumna, helping other students.

Graduate / '14th of February, 1999' - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR ENTRY INTO Masters in Public Health [3]

Sunkanmi, did the university that you are applying to provide you with a prompt for your personal statement? If they did not, then you still have a chance to correct the content of your essay. This essay just doesn't fall within the expected requirements of a masters degree personal statement. It sounds more like you drafted this for a college application instead. Therefore, you need to work on creating a more relevant personal statement for your application.

For starters, the focus of the essay should consider writing a shorter, more informative and relevant essay. A reviewer will normally offer 5 minutes to reading your essay before he decides it has taken too long to get to the point then sets it aside for future reading. Try to keep this essay short because this is a statement for graduate school. So the information you indicate should represent more of your college academics and professional experience. Even though your mother was the reason that you started your medical career, from what I have read, there are other, non-related reasons that you have opted to pursue Public Health. Suppress the urge to concentrate on the discussion of your mother's death. If you must, mention it towards the end of your essay. Don't place it at the beginning. That is the act of a college applicant, not a masters degree student.

Keep the focus on you as a person. The clue as to what to write is in the name of the essay itself. A personal essay. So talk more about yourself and how you developed this interest. Right now, your essay is a cross between a statement and a research paper. don't lose focus of the keyword. Just so you can redirect the essay content.

Also, show the reviewer that you know about the program you are getting into. Show a sense of familiarity with the expectations of the course and explain how your personality will thrive in this environment. What interested you in their school? Is there a professor you wish to study with or something? You must find a way to indicate that everything in your life led to this very moment. Make your vision for your career clear.

Undergraduate / My "WHY NYU?" Essay (for Class of 2021)- (NYU Steinhardt) [4]

Hey Zahran, your 5 months of working on this essay really paid off. There are no major problems with the content of the essay. The information is right on the mark and really shows that you took the time to research and respond to the prompt without sounding like a student brochure. You should definitely be proud of the work you did on this paper.

If I were to critique one minute part of the essay, it would be the paragraph where you speak of the branches of NYU. While you made it clear that you are expecting to attend NYU in New York but also mentioned that you were open to the possibility of attending any of the NYU international campuses. I believe that you ought to be consistent and really take pride in attending NYU - NY as matter of pride and principle. After all, you already described the NY community of NYU in the beginning of the essay.

The question is not simply "Why NYU" in this instance. It is all about attending one of the international campuses of the university. So make sure you opt for a campus to attend and portray the reasons for that in the essay. Don't confuse the reviewer by indicating an international campus and leaving it at that.

Scholarship / 'As a student I built and maintain strong network' -- Networking Skills, Chevening. [11]

You don't have a network if you have only one friend who happens to work in IT and inspired your dreams and ambitions. That is called a mentor, not a network contact. Network contacts are created through your participation in various school organizations, seminars, and workplace colleagues. Needless to say, you interpreted the response to the prompt in the wrong way. That is not to say that your contact experience was wrong, it is just wanting in terms of proving that you are capable of creating networks and contacts and that you can manage to sustain such an important circle of work alliances.

Do you remember working with any organization and meeting people who have been vital in the progress of your academic or professional career? How many of them do you have? Talk about how you created these contacts, managed to work with them, and maintain them to this very day as potential useful people in your quest for a better career.

A network is composed of people who helped you achieve certain objectives that you have set either for yourself or your organization. Please tell me you have these types of people to talk about in your essay. If you don't, then you have a problem with your application.

Writing Feedback / Understanding the culture of a country without knowing it's language: Language and Culture essay [3]

Nousha, I hope that this is the first practice test that you have written that is because, if you are a first timer, the score of 4, which this essay would get in an actual test, is an acceptable score. However, if this is not your first essay, then there is a clear set of problems that you have to address. This essay needs a lot of work at this point.

You display a very weak capability to construct even the simplest English sentence. The lack of clarity in the thought process and wring word usage causes the reader to have extreme difficulty in recognizing what it is that you wish to say. I believe that this is caused by your limited English vocabulary. You should look into improving your use of word connectors, and the use of subordinate clauses when necessary. Make sure that you do everything that you can to further improve your knowledge and use of English words. That is something that can only get better with practice and dedication to learning the language.

I hope to see signs of improvement in your next essay.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

1. Since this is not an activity that you did only once, then the choice is "visits". The plural form is required because of the number of times an activity has been done.

2. We are talking abut your father's mindset. He and your mother had an arranged marriage. If you want a more precise declaration, you can say "... his marriage to my mother was also arranged." Otherwise, keep the original statement.

3. Use the original statement I wrote. I already revised the content for you before. It is in the correct format.

Do not overthink things. The more you try to correct things. Stop trying to add information to the essay or trying to restate things. At this point, with the essay already in its current form, changing one part will mean revising either a whole paragraph of the whole essay. Learn to leave well enough alone. Otherwise, you will not find satisfaction in your work and the essay will never be ready for submission.

Writing Feedback / The smoking ban policy would prevent people from suffering diseases and create a clean environment [6]

Fadhil, in the opening statement, you have to own the essay. Let the reader know that the statement of opinion belongs to you. Say "I agree with the statement because..." and not "This essay will..." Your opinion is clearly being required by the essay prompt so you have to make it clear from the very start that this essay will reflect your opinion and no one elses opinion.

The fact that you were able to use current data in defense of your position indicates a high level of interest in the topic on your part. That was a very good touch that will help you score better in an actual test. Remember, your knowledge of pop culture and common knowledge indicates a clear understanding of the prompt requirement. So your essay doesn't have any problem in proving that you can discuss the topic provided with a little difficulty.

Your sentence structures need work as there are still instances of difficult to understand passages. However, the overall paragraph delivers on the need for an opinion because of your clear understanding of the topic. If there is one major flaw of your essay, it is in the conclusion. Try to just wrap up the discussion in this part of the essay. The rules dictate that the last paragraph is saved for the conclusion of the essay. Now, keep in mind that you cannot conclude something if you are presenting new information about the discussion. So in any case, the conclusion should just sum up the discussion facts and nothing more.

Writing Feedback / COMMUNICATION ONLINE - people are now able to keep in contact with others by using their gadgets [3]

Hi Goldvina, this essay would probably merit a 5 if you have it graded by your instructor. While the common grammatical errors are evident in your work, these errors do not interfere with the development of your idea presentation. While you need to further develop your presentation skills and improve the grammar for a smoother presentation, you were able to prove a number of things to the examiner.

The first is that you understood the prompt clearly. Therefore, you have acceptable comprehension skills. You also have enough knowledge of basic English grammar skills that can assist you in developing simple, though flawed discussion sentences. So the paragraphs come across as understandable. These positive marks are what moved your essay towards a passing score.

Problems in your essay lie in the way that you were not really able to present a strong enough introduction and conclusion. Keep in mind that the introduction must properly summarize the prompt and offer your opinion on the matter. You must also present an overview of your pro and con discussion. The introduction failed to do this.

As for your conclusion, refrain from starting a new discussion in a conclusion. As the term suggests, a conclusion is meant to close the essay. Therefore, there is no need to present new information in this section. You just need to close the discussion by restating the important elements of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people are more interested to have an own company, despite some dangers and drawbacks. [3]

Hi Wily. I am really sad to say this but due to the numerous errors in formatting, content and discussion, this essay would not score higher than a 4 in an actual test. The reasons behind the score are far ranging. Please allow me to explain why this is the highest score you can garner for this work.

First of all, while you did understand the prompt, you were unable to clearly discuss the topic in a comprehensive manner. Your thoughts were splashed all over a single paragraph, lacking in proper presentation and wanting in logic and reasoning. So this makes the essay highly difficult to understand.

You have to practice grouping your thoughts into related, successive paragraphs. You cannot discuss numerous, contradicting reasons in the same paragraph. This causes a confusion for the reader as there is no clear line of discussion being presented. Basically, you have to decide, the minute you are asked for an opinion in the prompt, if you will be writing the essay in a compare and contrast manner, which will allow you to discuss pro and con reasons in alternating paragraphs, or if you will write an opinion paper, which means the reasons need to be grouped in related paragraphs then discussed accordingly.

Writing Feedback / There are many opportunities to be an entrepreneur - and benefits too. [2]

HI Mardian, it looks to me like this essay would score a decent 5 in an actual test. You actually have the ability to convey your thought process in an understandable manner. Your sentences do not stress the reader because the grammar situation is not as bad as it could have been. There is a clear understanding of the prompt, but there are areas that need improvement.

Some areas of improvement include learning to create topic paragraphs. You have a tendency to discuss all of your reasons in one paragraph instead of spacing them out. By spacing out your topics, you will be able to present better evidence in support of each evidence presented. This will in turn, show that you have the ability to think coherently and present your ideas in a logical manner. In the end, learning this process will allow you to present the reader with an easy to understand essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing - People Never Understand the Culture of A Country unless They Speak the Language [3]

I believe that your score for this essay would be a 4 in an actual test. You have many sentence structure problems that affect the thought process and understanding of the reader as he scans your essay. There is a lack of clarity in the way that you present your reasons which causes faulty reasoning and incomprehensible reasoning. You show a very limited ability to form even the simplest English sentences so your vocabulary and grammar are directly affected.

I would advise you to try and work on the grammar portion of this essay a bit more. While the presentation is faulty, it is obvious that you understood the prompt but was hindered by the lack of grammar ability. Don't worry, you should get better with practice. It will not hurt for you to try to write this essay again. This time, pay attention to your grammar. As long as you can somehow relay an understandable thought process, your score should improve to at least a passing score.

Writing Feedback / There are several people who like to achieve excellence in facing work tasks, and enjoy their job [3]

Fadhil, your conclusion is not properly developed. I do not know if you were taught this in class but, you are not allowed to present additional supporting or contradicting information in the conclusion. You are only supposed to provide a conclusion to the discussion presented. That said, You should go back and review your essay. Make sure that the facts you are presenting in the conclusion at the moment is given its own paragraph so that you can write a new and proper conclusion instead.

I would score this a 4 on the IELTS band for a number of reasons. Your logical development is faulty and sometimes, does not have complete thoughts. Your grammar is sometimes not understandable so the reader cannot really identify what it is you are trying to say. Finally, you did not format the essay properly as I explained above.

Undergraduate / Penn offers the next stage of an intellectual journey - Application Essay for Wharton (Penn) [3]

Hi Jason. Listen, your essay is great as a backgrounder, but not as an intellectual development essay. The information that you presented, the academic background that you discussed was very detailed and offered an idea as to your academic abilities. That is nice to know, but isn't the focus of the essay. The focus, should be on your future intellectual development in relation to your studies at Wharton or UPenn.

Here is what I suggest that you do in order to better align your essay to the prompt, go back to the university website and do research. Or look at the similar topic essays posted at this forum for your reference. You have to find the academic offerings that the university offers which excites you. For example, maybe there is a study group or internship program that offers a better learning opportunity outside of the formal classroom.

Try to find at least 2 programs the university offers, which is related to your major, that can highlight how the university can help you pursue this and other academic interests. You don't have to limit yourself to just your chosen major. You can choose any activity that will stimulate your intellectual interests. So we are talking both academic and extra-curricular activities. It doesn't matter if they seem unrelated, what matters is that the university offers it and entices you to pursue your current and other academic and intellectual interests.

Scholarship / After graduation learning and expanding to the level when participating in developing research teams [2]

Mahmoud, your reflection on your rise to power as a leader in your academic and social field sounds impressive neough. For an overview. It does not allow for a proper discussion that shows how you grew into your position as a leader. For example, regarding the "Better Tomorrow" organization that you helped found. It would be nice for you to share the difficulties that you faced as you struggled to start the group. You claim to be the group leader and founder, so this is your best chance to show how you used your leadership skills to get what you want out of the school government. This would be the pivotal moment when you were able to successfully influence your classmates and schoolmates to action regarding a specific cause. Do your best to portray these events and the roles that you played in making the final result a positive reality for the group.

The other leadership roles that you mention do not seem to have the possibility to be developed on the same scale as your organizing of the students. I would rather that you focus on the single leadership moment that shows both your leadership and influencing skills in vivid detail than simply relaying your participation in minor activities as you did later on in this essay. You don't need many leadership roles, you just need to present one that builds up your image as a leader and an influential person in the best light. So you have room to shorten the essay and still make it highly informative and important towards your application.

Letters / My house with rural milieu. Unipdu FT D-Letter to Deni Stiawan [2]

Deni, here is a sample of how to better develop your letter using more complete and informative sentences:

Hello Deni,

How are you doing at your place? I hope you are enjoying yourself as I am enjoying my new place. I hope you can come visit me here when you have the time or want to take a vacation. My house is naturally cool because of all the shady large trees that surround it. It is private enough although there are some vehicles that pass in front of it. The property is not that close to the street though so it is not so noisy and the land is large enough for us to play football in.

Living in the rural area really makes me happy. I bet you can tell how happy I am just by the way I describe my house. I hope we can enjoy these things together soon. Please write to me when you have the time. I'll be waiting for your letter.

Your friend,

Letters / UNIPDU FT-D LETTER TO ERSA; I've just moved into my home and live with my parents [2]

Nur, there are so many grammatical errors in your letter that is just best for me to revise the whole letter to show you how it should be written. By the way, you have noticeable spelling errors in the letter (e.g Hose = House) please pay particular attention to that in the future. Also, remember to return the question about how you are doing to the writer, it is the decent thing to do.

Hey Ersa,

I am doing quite well. Thanks for asking. How are you doing these days? I don't live in Tangerang anymore because I moved back in with my parents. The house I currently live in is not as quiet as it could be because it is located near a mosque. So many people pass by my house on the way there. I do not have too any neighbors so I have some privacy. Since my parent shave many trees and gardens on the property, it is not too as hot as a home in an urban area. The shade of the plants and trees have a cooling and relaxing effect. We also have a small farm with chickens and cats. I have some other pets as well that you would not believe I am taking care of. I now help to patrol my village on Friday nights. This is something unique to our area because we want to ensure the safety of everyone living here. I haven't played our game in a long time. Don't worry though, I promise to play with you when you come visit. I'm sorry we can't play right now. There just isn't any time because of all my academic activities and social responsibilities.

I really enjoyed reading your letter. Thank you for remembering me. Please write to me again. Let's talk about our hobby. I hope to see you soon Ersa.

Letters / I hope you are always in good condition. UNIPDU FT_D - Letter To ms.Inna [4]

Mifta, try to revise the letter. Use my version below as a sample of how to properly develop the message you want to convey:

Hi Inna, its been so long since I last heard from you. I hope you are doing well. What's been keeping you busy? I hope you can come over to my house to play sometime. I miss how we played as children here. My house is currently never empty of children to play with, even though it faces a highway. The location is actually conducive to certain business types. I wish you could come visit me sometime. Thanks for reading my letter. I hope to hear from you when you have the time.

I did not correct the format of your letter because I do not understand your language. So I just concentrated on improving the content and message of the letter instead. I hope it helps you.

Undergraduate / Opportunity is my main concern with choosing a school. FIT TRANSFER ADMISSIONS ESSAY - why FIT? [2]

Joanna, your essay is currently in need of revision in terms of content and chronology. You seem to also be more focused on your past academic experience rather than providing a more convincing and personalized response to the reasons why you chose to transfer to FIT. Don't put that information as almost a mere afterthought towards the bottom of the essay. It will be best if you present the information required in the same order as it is stated in the prompt requirements. That is because the reviewer expects to read the response in a clear manner, which the prompt is designed to assist them in doing.

Learn to use paragraphs in order to separate your discussions. Each paragraph should have a specific concentration for discussion. The rest of your personal information is relevant and provides a preliminary interview that works for your needs. However, the current format of the paper makes it stressful to read. In this current form, the reader tends to stop reading a few times, I know I found myself doing so, because the letters start to just become a huge pile of letters on the page. You are not writing an FB status update, nor are you Tweeting information. You have more than adequate word count in this instance, so there is no need to fit the information so closely on a single page. Give the reader's eyes a chance to breathe.

Scholarship / I was a regular student with no evidence of leadership. Chevening 2016 application [3]

Turi, the beginning of your essay is quite promising. It shows how people felt you were not really going to have any important skills that could help you in the future. Then you mentioned becoming council president of your chosen major. That was a real game changer in this essay. As far as I am concerned, the opening statement should be kept and the premise of you becoming president should be further developed. The rest of the information should be deleted and replaced with more relevant information.

I suggest that you concentrate on building the image of yourself as a leader by choosing one of the major problems yo faced as president of the council. what you need to do is relate an event, maybe a student activity, that was difficult to accomplish either because of non-cooperation of the student body or school administration. It has to be a problem that proves you were able to inspire the student council and the student body into action in order to prove that your detractors were wrong. That when the need arose, you were able to meet the challenge as a leader and influencer, Even though you did not care to be one or thought you could be one yourself.

Writing Feedback / Essay about food waste in the past, present and future - introduction writing [3]

Hi Kylian. I think I can help you create a stronger introduction. Here is what I am thinking:

Food has become synonymous with waste over the decades. The uncontrollable gluttony of man has created a food wastage epidemic that has run unchecked for many decades now. With the lack of food supply plaguing other nations, it seems illogical for any country to be experiencing a problem with food wastage management. Historically, man has always been able to properly address possible and effective solutions to this problem. Now, as we move forward in the 21st century, the time has come to update the food wastage management programs and offer new solutions to the problem for future generations to implement. This essay shall take a historical look into the foundation and future of food waste management. What was its past? How is it dealt with at present? Does it look like we are nearing a sustainable solution in the future?

Scholarship / I have always said that architecture is my passion but volunteering has my heart. Applying Chevening [5]

Liseth, this is a very good version of the leadership essay. However, you can still better direct it towards the prompt requirements. At the moment, the essay deals with how you worked with a team in order to achieve the objective of the rotaract project. That is good. It shows that you know how to work with a tea and encourage team work. However, I do not really see a direct reference to you being the lead person on this project. I suggest that you clarify that in your essay. While team work is good, the ability to show that you can actually lead the team is excellent. You already have the information within the essay. All you have to do is mention that you are the Team Leader and then change all the collective references to the team to an individual reference as a leader.

As to the matter of your word count, you don't really need to provide such an in-depth background of the activity. A simple overview or summary will suffice. Keep the focus on your ability to lead and inspire your team. That is the focal point of this essay. This revision should also help you bring down the word count.

Letters / Your new home sounds interesting, but check mine too. UNIPDU FT D-Letters to Uvi [3]

Mifta, here is a cleaned up version of your letter. I hope it helps you better analyze your sentence structure and grammar mistakes.

Hi Uvi,

I am fine. How are you and your family doing? I hope your are all well. I was really happy to receive emails from you. I am excited about seeing your new house. I hope that I can find the time to come and visit you soon. Right now, I am very busy with college assignments and other activities. You know the life of a college student right? Here's an idea, why don't you come to visit me instead? I know my mother would be ecstatic to host your visit.

Here is my address ( in case you want to come over):

SDN 2
Ploso Genang Jombang

Though my community is not as large as the one you live in now, I am sure you will enjoy your visit. We can visit several small fields nearby and enjoy the cool early morning air. My house has a small courtyard with plants. We also take care of chickens and have harvest a small crop from our fruit bearing trees like Bananas, Mangoes, Jackfruit and the like.

We have 5 rooms so we have plenty of room for guests. My room is not large but it is comfortable. We have the basic amenities of a house like a living room, kitchen, bathroom, and family room, where my family gathers to watch TV. Uvi, can you picture my simple house and the fun we could have if you visit me ? I hope you can come for a visit. I'll be waiting for that time to come.

Sincerely,

Mifta

Scholarship / Oh Death! I was eighteen, in senior secondary three, when my father died; figure or movement inspire [7]

Don't bother with the computation of the bushels of rice, the reviewer is not interested in that information. It is irrelevant because it does not help to further explain why your mother is your source of inspiration. The rest of that paragraph though, is quite moving and clearly offers the image of a strong woman who is capable of inspiring her youngest son by her actions.

However, the paragraph about your brother is confusing to the reader, maybe it is because English is not your native language, or there is something missing in the translation of your thoughts from native to English. Please try to revise the whole paragraph in order to better explain what you mean by "was made of thorns in the flesh - work study" and why his work has made your family life difficult. I first thought he was an inspiration to you. The sentence structure of his paragraph, the way you wrote it at the start, seems to reflect otherwise. I am sure you did not mean that. A simple clarification / revision of the paragraph should fix that impression.

Letters / Cover Letter for Resedential Volunteer ( Farmer- Chef) at Heifer International Farm [2]

Danielle, your cover letter should follow the same format as any application cover letter. That means it should also indicate where you came across the job openings, mention the specific position you are applying for, and then present your relevant skills in bullet form.

In as much as giving complete description of your skills in the cover letter is something that you believe can be beneficial to you, it actually doesn't. You are supposed to only give an overview of your skills. No mention of actual experience required. Mostly because the actual experience required will be better analyzed by the HR as part of the long form documents you submitted with the application.

The reference to the receptionist job is not really developed at all and does not help the essay improve your image as a job applicant. You should definitely highlight your language skills and BA in international relations in the cover letter though. If these are the most relevant skills you have for the job, then make sure to mention these early on in the cover letter, before your skills bullet points. It may just make your letter more impressive to the reviewer.

Scholarship / British university graduate - my essay for Chevening scholarship [5]

Madouh, how many years do you think it will take from graduation to the full implementation of your ideas? It is not enough to mention the organization you plan to work with. You have to explain, on a year to year basis, how you plan to get this idea off the ground. What I read instead is a very long introduction and a backgrounder on the association you wish to work with. While that is good, that is not what the reviewer need from you.

Consider that this is a career planning essay. It is like a job interview. During the interview, one of the questions asked is "Where do you see yourself in this company in the future?". Normally, the response to that is presented in the number of years you hope to work with that company. That is the same case here. Only, you have to present the step by step plan as your estimated number of years for career plan completion.

Honestly, your essay comes across now as a statement of purpose rather than a career plan. I hope you can further revise the content using my advice in order to create a more responsive essay.

Scholarship / Chevening is going to help me expand my network and relations with people who stick with their goals [8]

Liseth, you were able to revise your essay to enter into a more relevant mode of presentation. However, something got lost in the translation. While you explained how living abroad helped you learn how to network, the actual act of networking, in relation to the scholarship application disappeared. You concentrated so much on the project background that you accidentally mentioned the name of the doctor in charge of the project as the project head. Then promptly forgot to explain how you developed your networking skills as a member of this project.

You mentioned the goals of the project, excellent. So how was it executed? Who came up with the idea to network using the people and offices you mentioned? What was your part in it? How did you cultivate this contact and were you able to sustain it for future use? Do you continue to create networks today? How can you use it in the future?

I realize I offer a lot of questions for you to answer, but that is because you are expected to be able to present at least a framework of your past network as the basis of your future network that can help you and the other scholars if and when the time comes for you to need them.

Good revision though. Just keep on adjusting the content until you get it right. We will help you with that.

Scholarship / Chevening: Architect and Educator for The Future Development of Building Technology - Career Plan [5]

Ignatius, one of the specific instructions from Chevening is that their reviewers do not appreciate it when you repeat material you have already previously related in more than one essay. Each essay need to be unique and show a complete understanding of the prompt and the general directions you were given for essay writing. so the answer to your question is no, do not repeat information in your essays, this will have an effect on your application.

No matter how small the relation, present that as the work the UK did in your country. There are minute details that you can use, from what you have presented, that can help you make the case for it. For example, your main concern is architecture. So slant your concern towards sustainable architecture and then concentrate on the urban planning and land use connection to your career. Low carbon emission can also have a relation based upon the sustainable architecture part. When you build or design buildings to have harmony with nature and use non-invasive materials to build homes and other structures.

In general, your essay does not present a growth path that shows that you are character driven when it comes to your career and success. Due to the lack of year to year planning (short term 5 years, long term 10 years) , it would appear that are not concerned with your career growth. All you have to do at this point is assign a period of time to your plan. The reviewers look for a clear career plan path from the applicants because the Chevening scholars are expected to help the other scholars in the future. If you can't show it might be possible for you to do that, then they may not strongly consider your application.

Undergraduate / A kid from Mongolia - Northwestern Supplement [2]

Bat, it is difficult to gauge the relevance of your essay to the supplemental essay prompt you are trying to respond to. Please provide us with a copy of the prompt that you wrote for so that we can better assess your writing. In as far as the overall content of the essay is concerned, it seems to be alright, though grammatical errors do exist in your writing.

I have some concern regarding your referral to the "whole brain thinking" aspect of NU education. I believe that you should make a clearer declaration of how this appeals to you by providing examples of how you plan to use this to our benefit. Mention a few simple examples that apply to what you have in mind based upon the program.

I am also unsure as to whether the paragraph about AISEC is necessary in this essay. It seems like you are trying to prove a connection between NU and this organization for your benefit. Again, the lack of the prompt is what makes this connection unclear in terms of relevance to your application.

The last sentence that you provided is not really something that appears to have any relevance to your previous responses. Mostly because such a statement is usually made clearer by other common app prompts. I do believe that there is still some ways to go with this essay but can't direct you as to how you should do that until I see the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Cherishing my goverment that cares for people's health and knowledge [2]

There are problems with your spelling and grammar throughout the essay. Let me tell you something though, while other grammatical errors tend to irritate me, your grammatical errors, specially in spelling, are just so cute in the way it portrays the error that I can't help but smile at the thought that you were-this-close to almost getting the spelling right. Here's a tip, when you write the essay, since it is a practice test, do it as a document file. That way you can use spellcheck to correct your errors. It is much easier than having to look up the spelling in the dictionary, even it is online. Spellcheck can actually help improve your grammar and increase your practice test scores in the process.

Now, on to the main problem with your essay. You have made the very same mistake that the others before you made when responding to an opinion prompt. You placed your opinion at the conclusion of the essay. This is a mistake. You are not allowed to present your opinion in the paragraph that is supposed to just wrap up the discussion. Rather, you are supposed to deliver your opinion as a stand alone paragraph towards the end of the essay.

If you revise this essay to better reflect your opinion as required, you will have a 5 paragraph essay, which is the standard, correct format for writing these practice tests. Please consider revising your work as it will produce a better practice score for you.

Writing Feedback / The graph provides information regarding the recruitment number of English & French language tutors [2]

Hi Reski, here is a cleaned up version of your essay. I hope you can see where I made the improvements and how you can improve your content by simply separating the information into specific sentences within the applicable paragraph.

The graph provides information regarding the recruitment number of English and French language teachers in Ontario covering the years of 2001 to 2007. The graph clearly shows that there is a marked difference in the number of English and French language teachers respectively. There was a decrease in the English teachers, while the French teachers experienced an increase during the period indicated.

English teachers in 2001 were represented at 75 percent while the French language counterparts were only at 70 %. By the year 2003, the English teachers percentage experienced a decline to 35 percent. There was also a decrease of 70 to 68 percent from the year 2001-2003 in the French teacher area.

There was a slow increase in the number of English and French language teachers fro 2003-2005. Based on the graph information, the increase in English teachers ranged from 40 to 45 percent. While there was only a small rise in the area of French teachers. The increase in French teachers only went from 68 to 70 percent.

Though there was an increase three years later. The years of 2005 to 2007 showed different digits for English and French language teachers. English teacher numbers were down to 30 percent. While the French language teachers showed a fluctuating increase of 179w.

Scholarship / Russia and China relationship. Career plan, Chevening. Feel free to comment, very nice of you all [4]

Ruslan, when you mention enticing the Chinese companies to enter the Russian market, remember to start a new paragraph for it. You should only discuss one topic at a time in each paragraph. Your first paragraph is already running too long as it is. So you need to separate the two thoughts by creating new paragraphs. Don't forget to add content development to each paragraph. If it is less than 5 sentences, the paragraph is too short. Also, discuss how much time you think it will take for you to develop the necessary framework to get it done. If it will take you all of 5 years, explain why that is.

Now, as for the professor part of your discussion, it does come out of nowhere. Taysha is right about that. However, I have a different take on how to handle it. You don't have to change your plans in order to make the essay work. Stick to what you really want to be. All you have to do, is create a transition paragraph between the framework discussion and enticing the Chinese companies to invest in Russia, then lead in with another paragraph that will explain how the years of knowledge you accumulated will give you a unique perspective that you want to share with the next generation of students by becoming a professor. Or something along those lines.

Undergraduate / Describe your interest and experience in your chosen major (300-400 words) [3]

Taysha, there is no reason to mention race or color in this essay because that is not the kind of experience being referred to by the prompt. Rather than the class experience that you spoke of, what you were expected to present, was your experience in the field of computer programming if any. So the fact that you were the only girl in class, the discomfort that you felt, and the other personal information regarding your experience in the classroom isn't what you were expected to present.

Instead, you were supposed to discuss why you are interested in the field of computer programming. What was the first program you ever used and what function did you develop using it? How did you feel the first time you successfully created a program? What experience do you have using other programs? The essay is about your academic experience, not your classroom and peer experience. I think you accidentally confused the two so you ended up writing a different essay from the prompt.

Scholarship / A gift which changed my everyday life: the laptop; Chevening - your chosen three university courses [7]

The language you use sometimes gets confusing for the reader. I know that it is because you are not very familiar with using the English language so I will not ding you on that note. However, it would be in your best interest to do a grammar check and clean up as you revise the essay. The more polished you can make the paragraphs the better understood your message will be on the other end. Right now, I don't want you to concentrate on the grammar problems. Focusing on that instead of the content of the essay will only lead to an even weaker paper. You should first make sure that the essay contains all of the information you want to relay. Once that is done, you can focus on the other aspects of the essay that need to be worked on.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

If you remove the first sentence of your last paragraph, you will immediately bring the word count down to 495. Which will bring you well in range of the 500 maximum word count. I also think that you should remove the quote from the unknown Chevening scholar at the beginning of the essay. Now that I have had a chance to review your almost finalized essay, it seems to me that the quote is just taking up space. In a word limited essay, sometimes it is better to get direct to the point instead of beating around the bush. In this case, immediately responding to the prompt will definitely lead to a tighter and more informative essay. With the freed up word count, you can even add more information that you feel is necessary to the essay. Or, you can just leave the essay alone, without additional information. Either ways, the shorter the essay is, the better it will be to submit since the reviewer won't have a chance to get bored with your writing.

Scholarship / Human resource management and the marketing communication and advertising - why these courses? [6]

Choyhar, there are a number of discrepancies in your essay. First of all, you are being asked to choose 3 universities and you only chose two. Then you decided to discuss only one university instead of 2. Finally, the rest of the essay sounds more like a personal statement for a college application. It does not follow the prerequisite format and information that these prompts expect you to deliver.

It is important that you develop a new essay in place of this one. One that actually delivers the prompt expectations. Do more research and find the other 2 schools that you feel offer you the best options for pursuing a masters degree in a related field. That is, should your first choice university fall through.

You currently have a personal statement presented in the prompt. That is the main problem with this essay. So you cannot simply revise it to fit the prompt. I hope you can do more research into the universities and actually come up with the 3 university course requirement.

Scholarship / Oh Death! I was eighteen, in senior secondary three, when my father died; figure or movement inspire [7]

Well the essay has a really good message. While the grammar errors make it a bit difficult to read at times, it does not take away from the meaning of the essay or the sentiment you are trying to deliver. The only problem I can see, is that the paragraphs talking about your mother and brother as inspirations are quite short. As such, it feels like there is missing information in the essay. Are you sure you have shared all of the information that you can regarding how these two people inspire you? I just feel like you can say more.

For example, talk more about the self-sacrifice that your mother undergoes to support you. How does her hardship inspire you? How is the farmland currently doing? We need to show that your mother was able to succeed in tending the land that your relatives told her she could not do. In order to be a true inspiration, you need to show her success that inspired you to do well in school for her.

As for your brother, what did he sacrifice in exchange for giving you a chance to attend school? What difficulties does he faces as an Okada? Has he offered you any words of wisdom that have helped to inspire you to not take the family sacrifices for granted? It is important that you provide information that makes his sacrifices notable and truly inspiring. It should be about more than just supporting the family. Create a personal connection between the two of you that helps to push forward when you feel like you want to give up.

Then conclude by explaining how your inspirations have combined to create a movement within yourself that translates to a desire to finish college so you can help them improve their own lives as well.

Undergraduate / Application Essay What got me into architecture, how does it manifest itself in my everyday life? [4]

Chris, a word of advice, you really need to learn how to divide your essay into paragraphs. This bunched up format just doesn't work for the reader. It makes the eyes tired and reading difficult. A formal essay should be divided into at least 5 paragraphs. I hope you can find a way to do that with the revisions I will be suggesting.

Now, the discussion asks you to reflect upon architecture in your everyday life. Unfortunately, that is not what you discussed. What you presented was an opinion paper regarding architecture instead. The best approach to correcting this error would be for you to write a totally new essay.

You can start by discussing how you came to notice architecture at the age of 13. Make sure to make mention of the method by which your interest in the field developed. Don't wax poetic as you are doing now. Instead, write a straightforward essay that clearly indicates the development of your interest. So, what happened at the age of 13 that got you interested in the field? Build upon that information until you finally explain how architecture eventually became a part of your everyday life. That is when the manifestation occurred for you.

Scholarship / 'Dermatology career' - Post study career plan. Chevening scholarship essay [2]

Aysha, I have some suggestions for further improving your career plan and it involves slightly reformatting the paper and then better developing your short and long term career plans. I hope you will be receptive to my ideas.

For the introduction, I suggest that you bring up the discussion about the plans of your president for the country. It seems that your plans have some sort of direct relation with his vision for healthcare in your country. So it would be best to use it as an introduction to your career plans. You just have to make sure that you have a transition sentence at the end that will help to introduce your career plans.

You weaken your discussion by discussing options instead of solid plans. Talk about the ideas you are presenting as a fact, a reality that you know you can achieve in a set period of time. Refer to your first 5 years after your discussion regarding the plans of your president. Create a direct connection between your five year plans and his ambition every chance you get. Do not discuss the five year plan collectively. Discuss it on a per year basis if possible. Be clear as to how you plan to achieve these goals. Finally, give a summary of your long term, 10 year plan as the culmination of everything you will have learned and your ultimate career goal.

Undergraduate / The most important section in a student's live (personal statement for CUHK) [4]

Karen, I am wondering if your personal statement for this application has instructions that it should be divided into separate sections? Doing that doesn't make this a free flowing and involving essay. The discussion is almost bullet point like and really boring to read. Remember, formatting of your paper will help keep the interest of the reviewer, so dividing it into sections, when not necessary removes the continuity in presentation for the reader. Try to write this as a normal, paragraph divided instead of topic divided essay.

Don't you have a guide question or prompt to help you develop your personal statement? At the moment, this sounds more like a rigid Q&A instead of an application essay. That said, your motivation for studying business administration needs to be better developed. The choice of attending CUHK should not be discussed as part of the motivation for your choice if college major's. That is something that is best answered in one of the other common app essays (if provided).

If you want this essay to become more interesting to the reader, you need to relax and just talk about yourself. Not in this academic manner, but rather on a personal level that shows personal side. The information you provide is too stringent and academic. A personal statement is your chance to relax and just let the reviewer know about your fun side in relation to your potential college attendance. Look over the examples of similar essays here if you need an example to follow.