Writing Feedback / Water is the main need of human, every day we use approximately 20-50 litre of water or more [2]

Reski, the task accomplishment score for your essay would not be higher than a 4. The reason for the score is that you were not able to properly respond to the prompt. You presented enough of the reasons as to why there is a water scarcity problem but you did not offer any expanded explanation regarding possible solutions relating to the water scarcity and increasing demand for water. Coherence and cohesion will most likely fall under a 5 owing to the way that you have some logic to your presentation but sometimes, there is a lack of development in your discussion. The lexical resource scoring would be around a 4 due to the limited vocabulary you have shown Sometimes, your word choices do not help to develop the sentence and instead serves to confuse the reader instead. The grammatical range and accuracy would also be a 4 because your grammar and sentence structure problems causes some strain on the part of the reader when it comes to trying to understand what you have to say. By the way, when you present information in the essay, try to keep it common and easily identifiable. By using information from the UK and its related information, you are showing that you did actual research while writing this essay. There won't be time for you to research during the actual test. So train yourself to think fast and use only commonly known information for your response development. You don't have to be academic in this case. You just need to prove that you can clearly explain your opinion in English.

Writing Feedback / In several countries water scarcity becomes a problem that should be solved [2]

Anisa, your opening statement can use some clarity. The word choice in the paragraph makes the meaning of your restated prompt confusing. You see the term "consequence" connotes something bad that results from an action or series of actions. In this instance, you are not talking about consequences. You are talking about possible solutions to the water shortage problem. So you should have simply said something like, "The problem could be resolved by implementing the following solutions." or something to that effect. Overall though, your essay shows a clear line of thought, the discussion is valid and acceptable, and the proposed solutions are common known and already implemented in some countries. Therefore, this essay will be considered a passing essay. It will pass even though the grammar is not that good and your sentences do not contain very complex words because your explanation can easily be understood by the reader and you did not cause undue stress on the comprehension of the reader in terms of reading your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS W,T2: It is often thought that the increase in juvenile crime can be attributed to violence in [3]

Siu, I am going to caution you against looking up better word terms and grammar correction online during your practice tests. Do not fall into this habit because you will not have the opportunity to do these activities when you take the actual test. In fact, the computer will not be connected to the internet in the way that you think it will be. It will have severely limited access and will only allow you to access the test server and nothing more.

Therefore, you should write this essay in the way that your natural grammar, sentence structure, lexicon, and task achievement will be reflected and actually graded. All practice tests as designed to discover the problem areas of your English skills. If you cheat the system by looking up the words and grammar in an effort to try and improve your practice score, you will not be fooling anyone but yourself. Come time for the actual test, you will most likely freeze and be unable to write because you already got used to perfecting your essays through online help.

Remember this, you do not need to present a grammatically perfect essay. You just need to present the best essay that your English abilities will allow you to. You will be graded fairly based upon your skills. Cheating yourself during the practice test will not help you at all. You can improve your writing skills outside of the practice tests based upon our suggestions for your improvement.

At this point, I will refuse to grade the test and even review it for content because this is not who you really are on paper. You are not reflecting your true abilities in this essay and as such, I cannot properly guide you towards the improvement of your English writing skills. I am sorry about that but I feel that is the only fair thing to do. Now, if you will rewrite this essay in your own words and allow us to accurately judge you based on your real writing abilities, then I will offer you the best possible advice to help you hone your skills.

Graduate / Need for the review on the reference for my application to MSc [2]

Tweenky, how much of this letter is actually based on the experience that the professor has had with you? It seems to me that you have written this letter on your own without considering that the only information it should contain are references to actual activities and performances, as well as observable traits that could have only been seen by your professor when you worked under him. So the references to your published articles, internship (outside of the classroom work), international research participation, etc, are irrelevant in this letter. It is irrelevant because he did not actually witness you doing these things so when he is called for verification, as reviewers are inclined to do these days, he will not be able to respond accurately to the questions he will be asked and your application can be severely affected.

Make sure that your letter only presents verifiable information. Stick to what he really knows about you based upon the work or academic experience and time that you spent with him. Don't endanger your application by including information that he cannot support in an actual interview. If he is your project adviser on the research you are doing, then center the letter on that working experience with him instead. That is information he can support and easily verify if it becomes necessary for him to do so.

Undergraduate / Admission essay: If I had to choose... I'd go to Thailand. [2]

Tasnim, you have really responded well to the prompt with the topic you have chosen and the presentation you used in the essay. However, I believe that the reference to the "Thailand Summer Program" should be made in the opening statement instead of in the middle of the essay. That is because the program is the reason why you will go to Thailand and also, the program is the reason why you managed to get a ticket for the adventure. So it should be at the topmost paragraph with a quick explanation of the program. Say something like:

As a participant in the Thailand Summer Program, I will be gifted with one plane ticket headed to Thailand. As I step out of the airport and the crisp air...

You just need to make a slight adjustment to the opening remarks in order to make it fall into the narrative mode of the rest of the essay. Aside from that slight modification, I don't see the need to revise any other content or presentation in the essay. It is good enough for your purpose and directly addresses the prompt requirement. That is all that the essay has to deliver and it has done so very well.

Graduate / I have a keen interest to be expose to the international best practices on energy management [2]

Usman, your personal statement is short but sweet. It is informative with a tinge of vagueness in it. Is this because you are writing a statement of purpose along with this personal statement ? If you are, then this personal statement really delivers on the personal aspect of your interest in your MS studies. A word of advice though, you should discuss a bit more about why there is a need to promote sustainable energy in Nigeria. You don't really need to discuss the emerging economy aspect of it. Unless, you can tie it into your personal interest for promoting the cause in your country. You can try to explain that you see wasted energy resource in your country, offer a few examples, then reiterate your desire to help solve the problem.

Grammar wise, there is a point of important correction in your essay. In the last paragraph, say you are "filled with enthusiasm". Or, if you wish to still use the word "feel" in that sentence, you could change the phrase so "I feel enthusiastic about..." "Fill" means to put things in a container to the point of fullness while "feel" indicates a sense of emotion. Pick which definition is closer to what you want to say and use the correct word to describe your action.

Essays / Writing about a troubling issue, which is the shyness in my case [5]

Khadija, is shyness a personal problem that you have experienced and resolved? If it is not, then do not use that as the topic for your essay.. The prompt is asking you to do a self evaluation or an observation of the world around you. An example of an ethical challenge would be if you were asked to disobey the honor code of your school in favor of friendship with a person. Or, for the intellectual challenge, maybe you have a question about your life that you are seeking a response to. Something along the lines of "Why was i born I have to die eventually?" You don't have to provide a solution to the question you opt to discuss if you have yet to learn to the answer to it or you can present the solution you found if you have already experienced and resolved it. Don't forget to explain the lesson you learned from the situation in that case. You have to think of a question that you have a personal connection to because the aim of the essay is to show the reviewer the side of you that ponders about things and how it affects you. Consider this the analytical interview you would have had in person if you got a final interview for your application, but for now are limited to discussing on paper.

Graduate / Engineering background and competence - I'm very competitive candidate for MSc Petroleum Engineering [6]

Arsenij, thank you for uploading the actual prompt to the system. It would seem like your information does meet the requirements of the prompt. However, you are commonly asked to write at least 2 statements for the application to MS school. One paper is the personal statement, which is what you are trying to develop here, and the other, is the statement of purpose. Usually, applicants tend to either mistake one statement for the other or merge the two in a personal statement. The only way we can tell that your essay meets the correct requirements is if you can tell me if you are being asked to write a statement of purpose along with the personals statement. Are you being asked to write a statement of purpose after this one? It sounds like you were asked to write one based upon the way the prompt was worded.

We have to be very careful about information duplication in this case. You don't need to keep repeating the information you have in the SP in the PS and vice versa. That is why I am asking you to review the essays you will be submitting for possible content duplication. Now, if you are not being required to submit a statement of purpose, then you can use this essay with all of the information you have provided. That means you are writing a combination essay for this application.

Scholarship / UWC Application 2016 | Largest Problem In My Region [7]

Hey Andrew, you are right, I am not from Canada so I am not familiar with the racial divide and problems of your country. I thank you for educating me about it. However, I still stand by the belief that simply education and awareness is all that you can do at this point. From what I can tell based upon our current conversation, you are quite involved with the issue and you are really willing to do what you can to help change the situation in your country. Now, here is my question, are you a part of this aboriginal problem? Are you part of the aborigines? If you are, then you know how the problem could be resolved sans education and awareness.

There are two other core values that could help you better portray the possible solutions you wish to enact AFTER you complete your education and awareness of the problem. No matter how hypothetical your scenario for the solutions may be, I believe that it will help you better explain the "Personal Challenge" and "Action and personal example" portion of their mission and values.

As you can see, your statement will be better helped, be more interesting, and offer a deeper insight into your beliefs and concerns if you can relate the actual actions you can possibly take to solve the problem to the reviewer. Having a solid, no matter how seemingly implausible line of action, towards the solution of the problem is vital to the application because this shows the reviewer that you are going to be able to carry on or be the embodiment of the UWC mission and values in everyday life. Good luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / The majority of people take the view that building libraries are not useful, while Internet exist [2]

Mardian, some comments about your writing style. In the opening paragraph, you wrote a redundancy in reference to your supporting the move that establishing libraries is a waste of money. You could have just said that "I believe" or "I totally agree..." You need not have combined the two phrases in one sentence. Avoiding redundancies will help to boost your score because you will have a chance to improve your lexical resource and grammatical range and accuracy scores. By showing that you know how to use the English phrases, in the right context, you will show a heightened English usage ability.

Another point of concern for me as a reviewer, is that you are referring to information dating back to 2007. That makes the information over 9 years old. If you wish to cite accurate and acceptable information in this type of essay, your information must not be older than 5 years old. Anything older than that is considered inaccurate due to the age of the information. It tends to become irrelevant and thus, inapplicable to the essay. You need to always use the most up to date information. However, in this sort of test, you will not have the time to research the latest information prior to presentation. So I would suggest that you simply use the knowledge and information that you already know about the topic in your discussion. That way, you get to prove that you truly understand the everyday concerns presented by the prompt. Needless to say, basing the response on your personal experience or notable commonly known and remembered information will be better for your essay than trying to impress the reviewer with almost 10 year old information.

Writing Feedback / Every daily activity needs water, but some countries experience shortage of it [2]

Mardian, in terms of task accuracy along with coherence and cohesion, I believe that you could get a band score of 6 for the opening statement alone. That is because you have shown a clear understanding of the prompt and a more than acceptable paraphrasing of the topic within the opening paragraph. The rest of the essay shows that you took some time to outline your thoughts and your discussion method in the succeeding paragraphs. Though there may be some language inconsistencies in the overall essay, the topic and opinion discussions stand out in the essay and is easily identifiable by the reader.

As for the lexical resource and grammatical range and accuracy, this could very well score a 5 since the errors in word usage and grammar use, along with sentence development problems are evident but isn't so bad that it changes the message of your written work. An example of the word usage problem would be when you used the term "litter" which means trash or garbage when what you really meant to say was "liter" which is a liquid measurement description. Not to worry though, these problems are minimal and should see some improvement along with the additional practice tests you will be completing.

Mistakes aside, the fact that you did not give the reader a hard time in deciphering what you want to say is enough for me to believe that you will be showing continued improvement over time. Keep the faith and keep up the good work.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2-Some people think it is a waste of money to establish libraries [2]

Wily, you should have double checked your essay topic prior to submitting your work to the forum for review. You have made a grave error by mistakenly placing the wrong response with the wrong prompt. In an actual test, this would garner you an automatic failing score of 1. There will not even be a review of the other scoring criteria in this case. Wrong prompt response show a carelessness on your part. It tells the examiner that you do not care about passing the test because you did not even bother to double check your response against the prompt.

Now, I realize that you most likely typed up the essays in word and then just cut and paste it into the submission box here. That is alright. The problem, is that you were careless and sloppy when you submitted your work. Imagine how you would feel if this was the actual test and you did exactly that. It would be heartbreaking to fail just because you did not bother to double check the prompt. I don't think that will happen in the actual test because you will be writing one essay at a time into a single box. Just the same, I caution you about this mistake. Make sure that you counter check the response to the prompt. Otherwise, you will have wasted your time with these reviews. You will fail due to carelessness.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2- What are the causes of water scarcity? What are your solutions? [2]

Wily, look at the prompt that you are responding to. Now, read the response that you read. Do you notice anything about it? Exactly, you are being asked to discuss about the scarcity of water. Your response is all about the usefulness of libraries. So there is a clear disconnection between the prompt requirement and your response. Your band score for this test will definitely be 1 overall. The main reason you will fail this test is because the response to the prompt that you wrote shows an answer that is completely unrelated to the task provided.

Since you immediately failed the task accuracy part of the essay, you will not be graded on any other part. The reason for the automatic fail is the incorrect and unrelated response to the prompt.

Next time, please review the prompt after you have written your response. Just to make sure that you delivered the proper response to the prompt. It would be such a waste of your time and talent if you failed the test based simply on a technicality.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, many places in the world have difficulty to find water [3]

Hi Meireza, let me start by offering you some corrections regarding the terms you are using in this essay. For example, The proper reference to the act of looking for water is "water shortage". The water holding areas are more popularly known as a "watershed" or "water dams", if you want to use a more popular term, you can say "water storage areas". Regarding the inhabitants in an area, you should have said "increasing number of..." instead.

I must commend you on the improvement in your writing style. You now display more coherence and logic in your discussions. There is a chronological order to the method of your evidence presentation and your reasons are understandable to the reader, even though there are some grammar mistakes. It doesn't create any confusion on the part of the reader. Good work. I hope to see your continued improvement in the coming days.

Writing Feedback / It is necessary to understand the past because of the following reasons [2]

Hector, I am really sad that you did not deem it important enough to post the actual prompt above your essay. That prompt is really required so that we can give you a fair and balanced review of the strong and weak points of your essay. Right now, I am just going by what you have written and I will just assume that you are writing exactly what the prompt requires you to present. Please post the prompt when you can so that I can adjust my advice accordingly. Here we go.

As I previously mentioned to you in a separate thread, you need to practice the correct formatting using the enter key. Please make sure that you do that with your succeeding essays. That said, I have to tell you that, grammar mistakes aside, I am quite impressed with the content of your explanation. It is logical and easily understood by the reader. The way that you present your evidence can be considered to be well informed since it is based upon common known facts about the need to understand the history of a person. The clear information you present is only marred by the formatting problem and the need to create slightly more complex sentences. The discussion you have presented is a bit simple and the sentences are using slightly complex formations which, depending upon the prompt requirements, could actually land you a passing to high score in the test.

Writing Feedback / Drunk drivers should be imprisoned on the first offense. [5]

Hey Chav, kudos to you for wanting to improve your English writing skills for no other reason than self-improvement. Your topic of choice is really timely and offers comes across as a decent opinion piece worthy of publication in a personal blog. You still have some grammar problems such as plural forms (bars not bar because a prisoner is placed "behind bars". A description of the metal rods that keep the prisoner in his cell.) but the complexity of your grammar and sentence structures are enough to judge you as an advanced English speaker.

The only note or suggestion that I have for you at this point doesn't have to do with the formation of the essay but the information presented. When you write an informative opinion piece, you should try to present the latest information within the discussion. In this case, the information you present is almost a year old. I am sure you can find information relating to drunk traffic accidents for the first half of the year in your country. Presenting that information will make your essay more up to date, informative, and relevant to the reader. Aside from that, you really did a good job on the development of this discussion.

Writing Feedback / There are several reasons why distance learning is more useful than conventional learning. IELTS 2 [7]

Hi Umma, please allow me to apologize. I had forgotten that I have not previously advised you so my words were presented in a manner that should have been more familiar to a student whom I have worked with in the past.

The reason that I often recommend writing only 250 words, which is the minimum number of words is because you are not being scored on the number of words that you have written. Rather, you are being scored on your use of the English language, your grammar skills, comprehension skills, and sentence development abilities. These are all the core points that are being looked into when you write your essays. I have found that even if you present only 250 words, but you prove your abilities in English based on the required skills, you will pass the test with high marks.

You see, just because you write a lot of words in English, be it simple or complex, doesn't mean that you have proven your skills in the necessary aspects of essay writing. In fact, the more words that you write, the more it might become obvious that you have limited English skills. While if you opt to write simple sentences or somewhat complex sentences and use simple to moderate vocabulary within the 250 word count, you will be able to better concentrate on perfecting the English essay discussion and presentation.

You don't have to write a long essay. You just have to write a relevant response in an understandable essay. Even if you write a long essay but are unable to explain yourself clearly to the reviewer, if you cannot present properly developed English sentences in the simplest form, then you will have lost your quest to get a high mark on the essay. That is why I recommend a 250 maximum word essay to most students whom I feel will benefit from the presentation of a shorter essay. I hope my advice helps.

Scholarship / UWC Application 2016 | Largest Problem In My Region [7]

Andrew, education and awareness without action is still considered lack of education and inaction. It is not enough to espouse an ideology or ideologies through articles you have written. As a UWC scholar, you should be able to put the ideologies into action. Remove these from the written word setting and embody these in your life through your actions. Yes, the answer you gave is quite obvious. Awareness and education. But aside from writing about those 2 solutions, how else can you effectively promote (first) education and (second) awareness among your classmates, friends, and other peers? Writing about the problem is one thing, promoting the solutions through action, influencing others if you want to be more specific, is the best way to illustrate your solutions the problem. That is what you should be reflecting alongside your published articles and meetings with these important people.

So, how can you accomplish such a thing while also embodying the UWC values in the essay? One way that I can see towards doing this is by summarizing the problem with Canada cultural pluralism and discrimination. Offer no more than a 5 -8 sentence summary paragraph regarding this problem. Keep it short but informative. That way, you can fold in your solutions to the problems within the discussion of the core values of UWC. For example, your awareness solution can be folded into a celebration of difference and mutual responsibility and respect. The most important part of your response will be how you integrate your solution within the actions and personal example value of UWC. Education can be merged with a sense of idealism along with international and cultural understanding. The other remaining core values can be presented as other solutions or as part of your character when it comes to forming solutions to the problems.

Personally, I think that it will be easier for you to present your essay if you do not concentrate on just these two ideologies as the solutions to the problems you are presenting. By presenting multiple solutions that merge with the core values of UWC, you will be able to not only present an explanation of your belief in the values, but also show you in action using the values to solve the problems you are presenting to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / People say that you can learn more about a different place just by watching TV [2]

Alfin, you should have presented a personal opinion in your opening paragraph. The reason for this is that the prompt is asking you a pointed question that requires a direct answer in the opening statement. The personal opinion that you present in that paragraph should be the basis of the overall discussion of your essay. Aside from that missing element, your opening statement is acceptable enough. By the way, good job on coming in at exactly 250 words. That said, you can revise some portions in order to better reflect your personal opinion at the start of the essay. As I said, that is a requirement of the prompt so it should be reflected in your work.

By the way, be careful with your formatting. You accidentally have 2 paragraphs stuck to each other in this essay. Be sure to clearly separate the discussions using the enter key alright? It is best to always be sure that the reader will not be stressed when reading your essay.

In terms of discussion, the essay is acceptable and presents a good discussion of the topic. Your point of view, which is clearly represented in the paragraph, shows that you understand the background of the prompt and you know exactly how to powerfully discuss the topic. Your conclusion though, needs another sentence in order to meet the essay format requirements. You can create the new sentence by dividing the discussion points in the single long sentence within the paragraph into 2 topic sentences instead.

Writing Feedback / Exercise writing test 2 (Do you think that people can only be happy if they have a job..) [4]

Alfin, for the Task Achievement portion, you would probably get a 3 because you did not properly restate the prompt in your own words. The proper restatement would have been similar to the following:

While some people believe that people can only be happy doing a job they love, others believe that there are more important factors to consider when taking on a job. One of these reasons could be the need for money. In my opinion, I believe that people would be happier doing a job that they love doing. The reasons for which I will be discussing below.

Your coherence and cohesion would be a 4. You are discussing the topic somewhat properly using a somewhat logical progression. The problem is that you are writing under a time constraint and you are unable to properly scan your document for coherence and cohesion before submitting it. I would like to suggest that you learn how to allot your time properly using the existing time frame so that you will have some time remaining for editing and revision for final content.

The lexical resource, I am sad to say, would not score more than a 2. Which would be followed by a 3 in terms of grammatical range and accuracy. The problem is that you have a limited vocabulary in terms of the English language and this has caused you to have problems in forming even the simplest of sentence formations. This causes undue stress on the reader and does creates a difficulty as the reader tries to understand the discussion you are trying to present.

I know that it seems like the scores are really bad and you might feel defeated right now. Don't be. Things will get better for you in terms of scoring provided you keep doing the practice tests and you do your best to improve your understanding and usage of the English language. It all boils down to becoming more familiar with English as a secondary language for you. Good luck! I am rooting for your improvement!

Writing Feedback / There are several reasons why distance learning is more useful than conventional learning. IELTS 2 [7]

Siti, you went over the word count by 20 words. Keep in mind that you must never go over the 250 word limit. Once you go over the limit you run the risk of being failed in the whole section of the test since you have proven that you cannot understand the simplest of instructions in the English language.

With regards to your opening statement, you are expected to provide a paraphrased version of the prompt as part of your introductory statement. You failed to do that as well. The paraphrasing is an important part of the essay because it proves your ability to understand questions posed before you in English and that you are capable of restating the important aspects of the question in order to build your own discussion. The lack of it in this essay will have cost you another severe points deduction and an even lower band score.

In terms of your conclusion. It is weak because it only covers 2 sentences when the minimum is 3 sentences per paragraph and that includes the concluding statement. So, while the 2 middle paragraphs of the essay work well for your discussion, your severe shortcomings in the introduction and conclusion would have resulted in a less than stellar band score rating. In my opinion, you would probably get a 4 due to the lack of certain important points in the essay relating to the introduction and conclusion.

Scholarship / Chevening References- applications - my professor Letter [2]

Julieta, I suggest that you have your class adviser or career counselor write this recommendation letter for you. You need to find a professor whom you have extensively worked with on a single project through its completion. You cannot merely have attended multiple classes under that professor. Part of the objective of the recommendation letter is to have someone else discuss your abilities to perform under pressure, with a team, or unsupervised. The main consideration of this letter should be to have someone else highlight your work skills within a professional or academic setting. I don't read any of those requirements in the current essay that you have.

What you are portraying in this essay is merely a rehash of information from your personal statement, statement of purpose, and transcript of records. In this respect, you will need to revise the whole letter. Change the content to reflect the information that i have specified above. That is the important information that should be reflected in the letter.

So, after your professor introduces himself, the length of time that he has known you, and the projects or research work that you collaborated on, focus the essay on your character as a student / professional. I already enumerated what topics should be discussed in this section in the previous paragraph. Adjusting the letter in this manner will make it more effective as a recommendation letter.

Writing Feedback / Media can influence our behavior in short time and long time. [4]

Ash, in actuality, there is no right or wrong way to write any content for an academic essay, which is what a TOEFL is all about. There is though, a proper format to be followed in writing the essay. The standard format is composed of the following:

1. Introduction - offers the thesis statement of the discussion in a paraphrased form
2. Bodies of Paragraph - 3 discussions that cover the specified discussion format from the prompt instructions
3. Conclusion - summary of facts, restatement of the prompt, repetition of your personal opinion (if instructed to do so in the prompt).

So your essay has to cover 5 paragraph with each paragraph containing a minimum sentences and a maximum of 5 sentences, completed within a 250 word maximum.

That is the basic format of a TOEFL essay. The rest of the parts to be scored like Task Achievement, vocabulary, grammar, sentence structure, etc., are skills that you develop over time. Basically, you just have to keep writing, we will keep advising you as to how to improve your skills, and over time, you should begin to show improvement in your English comprehension and writing skills.

So the best advice I can give you is this, keep writing. We will help you become a better writer with the aim of passing your TOEFL test. Keep those practice essays coming. We look forward to helping you.

Graduate / Engineering background and competence - I'm very competitive candidate for MSc Petroleum Engineering [6]

Arsenij, the information that you have placed in this essay is geared more towards a statement of purpose. Are you trying to write a combination statement of purpose and personal statement? Is that what the university is asking you to write? If you are supposed to write a separate statement of purpose, you should remove a number of information in this essay. What you should remove in order to transfer to your statement of purpose are the following:

1. Your internship experience
2. Volunteer activities
3. Current research work
4. Your work as a speaker at conferences

The aforementioned parts are best used as a highlight in your statement of purpose. The personal statement should only focus on the development of your interest in college that has led you to the realization that you need to pursue additional, higher studies in the field of Petroleum Engineering.

Basically paragraphs 1, 2, and 6 best work for your personal statement. I know that it would result in only a 3 paragraph essay for your personal statement. However, those are the only necessary information to present in a statement that doesn't combine a PS and SP in its presentation. The personal statement should only speak of your personal interests in the course and desire for higher study. It is the statement of purpose that should be a somewhat lengthy discussion of your total academic and professional qualifications for masters degree studies.

Scholarship / UWC Application 2016 | Largest Problem In My Region [7]

Andrew, I hope you won't mind my asking you to post the actual UWC application prompt in this thread. I would like to get to know the sort of statement that the college is expecting you to develop in this essay. Based upon what you have written, I can only assume that there is a sort of imbalance in the way the essay was written. That is because there is too much focus on the problems in your region and how you learned about it, but there is no reference to how you hope to resolve the issue through an UWC education or its influence upon you. You also mentioned having met the Minister of Justice of Canada, but after mentioning her name there as no follow up discussion as to the relevance of this meeting and why it is important to this discussion. Your publications are irrelevant because it doesn't really say anything about how you plan to resolve the problem in your region. Once I read what the actual prompt is (for reference), or, if there is no actual prompt and you just developed this discussion on your own, then you need to explain to me what your thesis statement is, so that I can properly guide you regarding content development in your writing. As of now, the essay has a wide range of discussion that needs to be narrowed down to a specific topic, possible solution, and the role of UWC in all of your plans. I may have additional suggestions once I understand what you are trying to discuss. I look forward to reading the prompt soon.

Undergraduate / Barnard is all that I have envisioned [7]

Yoosol, you need to make adjustments to the first paragraph where you speak of the values that Anne Nathan Meyer instilled in Barnard. Rather than simply repeating the information, show and tell the reviewer that you embody those ideals. It is because of your actual embodiment of these ideals that you found yourself attracted to Barnard in the first place. What you can do is say something to this effect:

Throughout my life, I have always found myself to be a natural born leader who has always believed that progress can only be achieved through perseverance. I guess that is why I found myself drawn to the liberal arts education of Barnard as established by Anne Nathan Meyer.

You can skip the description of the school building and instead, use the part about the impression you created about the school based upon the values of Meyer. That should help you create a more personal connection to the college in the opening paragraph and further help to establish your reasons for wanting to enroll at the college. The rest of the essay is fine. No need to make any changes in the succeeding paragraphs. Those are in its final form and can be used as you have it now. Just modify the opening statement, nothing more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Summary Self-Flying Choppers Fight Wildfires So Humans Don't Have To [2]

Dioba, you need to rework this essay. The summary that you present is confusing and the information used lacks proper referencing in order to offer understandable and relevant data to the reader. For example, in the second sentence of this summary, you said that 6 firefighters died or were killed. Was that during the whole forest fire season or just during one incident of forest fire? The timing of the fire dictates the proper information that you have to relay to the reader.

Next, who was the contractor who developed the vehicle? The company was named in the report so you should mention the company in the summary. That is so that the reader will know that you are not just making up the information. It is verifiable information that will offer your summary an authoritative and informative credibility.

Another thing, the way that you say it, the autonomous vehicle seems to be usable only for helping people to safety. Doesn't it help to fight the fire as well? Double check your information as I believe you missed some important parts. In relation to that, the firefighter controls the autonomous vehicle so it is wrong to say that the vehicle solves the fire problem. That is still accomplished on the human side of fire fighting.

Finally, when you say the autonomous vehicle was used in Australia, you can't just stop at that point. You must also offer information, which was in the report, as to how effective the system was in helping to combat the fire. Without the additional information, the summary doesn't really complete the run down of the article's important facts.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TED Summary (v) David Burkus Why you should know how much your coworkers get paid [2]

Dioba, you know what is obvious about the summary that you wrote? You did not really listen to the whole 7 plus minutes video before writing your essay. If you did, you would have heard two of the important and keyword terms that the talk was all about. Those two words are Information Asymmetry and Pay Transparency. Both terms help to explain the basis of the facts and figures that your current summary indicates. It explains the whole point of Burkus' talk. You have to train yourself to listen to the whole audio or watch the whole video file because the important aspects could be explained later on in the speech, as in the case of this talk.

Information Asymmetry talks about the need to be open about information regarding the hiring of a person. It depicts the importance or drawbacks of allowing employees to share information about the salary. While Pay Transparency discusses how employees use the transparent information regarding the hiring process, specifically the salary being paid workers who happen to work the same job. The explanation about negotiation skills in this respect was something that should have been included in your summary. The aforementioned information would have proven the usability of pay transparency because the speaker cited well known examples or people who had used the same process successfully in running their own companies. The Pay Transparency talk shows that it creates a healthy competition among workers among other things.

In my opinion, your summary would have been perfect if it was done in 2 paragraphs. The first paragraph explains the first half of the discussion and the second half, discusses the relevant information coming from the final part of the talk. That way the speech is represented in a balanced and well informed manner, even though it is presented in summary form.

Writing Feedback / Media can influence our behavior in short time and long time. [4]

Ashkan, I must call your attention to the way that you have your essay formatted. It is all wrong. You need to place a space in between paragraphs to signify a separation of discussion topics and also make it easier for the reader to keep track of what he is reading in your essay. Right now, the essay misses out on creating a relaxed reading atmosphere for your reader.

By the way, I'd appreciate it if you can share the complete discussion prompt in this thread. I can't really judge the validity of your content and presentation unless I know the parameters by which you were supposed to write your response essay. Right now, I can only offer a general review and commentary, based upon the information that I can judge from reading your work.

Now, you need to lengthen your paragraph discussions. You should aim to present more information in each paragraph that tries to cover the maximum of 5 sentences . While you present commonly known information in the essay, there are instances when your essay will best be helped by the presentation of your personal experience or connection with the prompt. That will depend upon the instructions provided with the prompt so I am not really sure if that personal opinion or experience is necessary in this instance. At the moment, the information has a generalized feel to the commentary and doesn't really inform the reader about anything not already commonly known.

Reading the actual prompt will help me to better assess your essay and advice you regarding how to properly approach it. I hope you can post the prompt soon.

Research Papers / Cannabis and Epileptic Seizures Research Paper [2]

Courtney, let's start with your opening paragraph. As far as the inclusion of your thesis statement in the first paragraph, you were not able to successfully spell it out for the professor. There is too much of a backstory on the use of Cannabis in a medical setting, including recreational use. The discussion regarding recreational use and the non passing of the law in certain states is irrelevant to this discussion. The paragraph should focus solely on introducing the hypothetical statement that Epilepsy is a disease which may be cured or controlled through the use of Cannabis. That is all your have to introduce in that paragraph.

Now, as for the rest of your essay, in most instances, professors will not accept Google search as an academic source of information. Therefore, you need to find a more accurate source of that information online. any academic or government source will be more than acceptable as a primary source in any given essay. Using the Google url shows a lack of desire to properly research the necessary information so don't use that in the paper. Also, try to limit your quotations in the paper and opt to paraphrase instead as the plagiarism checkers tend to overlook paraphrasing but will sound an alarm if you use a full quotation or have too many of them in your paper.

Undergraduate / Barnard is all that I have envisioned [7]

Yoosol, your first paragraph is running too long. That is primarily because you are discussing two topics in one paragraph. What you have to do to fix it is separate the topic paragraphs. That means that the discussion about your civic interests should have a separate paragraph below your opening remarks. By the way, change the sentence to "personality psychology and biology." not "with biology" because those are two separate classes in two different fields of science.

About your civic interest, I suggest that you speak of the BCRW program first in relation to your interest in women's rights. Do you see the stand alone sentence beneath the discussion about BCRW? Integrate that into the BCRW discussion by making it your opening sentence. Then end with your statement about GALS.

Let's see how the essay looks and feels after this adjustment. I believe that it should be better and ready for use by then. Good luck with your application.

Graduate / Cinematography is the Soul of Filmmaking: Narrative Statement (MFA Filmmaking New York Film Academy) [4]

The 3 page instruction is a mere recommendation. You don't have to turn in a 3 page paper if you do not have enough important and valid information to fill the space. A thorough page and half to 2 page essay will be more than sufficient to provide the necessary information for your application. If you notice, in the current version that you have, the essay keeps going around in circles. Discussing information that dates back practically to the first time that you saw a movie. More than half of the information that you have in this paper isn't really going to help your application because it doesn't help the reviewer focus on the necessary information to get to know you in this preliminary written interview. If you use my suggested guidelines above, you will end up filling less than 3 pages, but then you will also be better informing the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: Visa regulation should be relaxed for overseas students [2]

Arlen, while your argument is sound, the example that you gave in support of your stand on the need to be stricter about visa requirements for overseas students is weak. You should opt for a stronger example such as the need to vet the applicants better in case they pose a danger to the citizens of a particular country. Normally, the possibility of allowing a terrorist into a country based on a student visa is the actual fear that grips the nations in terms of admitting foreign students. So such an example would better prove your ability to analyze the possible supporting evidence for your argument and also prove that you are up to date when it comes to the current socio-political discussions. Now, I noticed that you used the term "scarify" towards the end of your essay. Just for your information, the correct term is "sacrifice". You need to be careful about the way you spell the English words. The wrong spelling could either change the meaning of your word or, as in this case, make the sentence nonsensical because the term you used doesn't exist in the language. Save for these comments and corrections, your work on this essay is quite good. Grammar problems aside, you really showed that you are capable of discussing such a complicated topic in your own intermediate manner. Not bad at all.

Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Mualla, all of the essays that are written by students are done so with the intention of the essay aiding them in getting into a good college. The thing is, nobody really knows when an essay contains sufficient information for the reviewer to consider you a serious contender for a slot in the student roster. You see, the essay is not the only basis for your admission to the university. The essays only work as a preliminary interview to help the reviewer and admissions committee get to know you as a potential student. Your transcript of records and other documents which you will be submitting along with the essay will also be considered in your application process. So don't rest your laurels on creating the perfect essay. There is no such thing. Luck also has something to do with getting into the college of your choice.

Like I previously mentioned, the idea behind the essay is good. My opinion, again, is that you should consider it for use either as a background essay or for the failure prompt. If it were up to me, I would use the essay for the failure prompt because all of the elements regarding learning a lesson from a failure you experienced in life are all there. This will be a very strong essay to present based upon that prompt.

As for what you can do to improve the essay, I guess you could improve upon the portion that discusses how you always wanted to earn money instead of taking your parents money. What happened to you could be turned even more bittersweet if you can explain why you felt compelled to earn your own money even though your parents would be happy to just give you what you need.

The message that you are trying to relay to the reader can be considered good because your essay deals with the way that you developed an inspirational mindset based upon what happened to you that day at the fair. It is something that tells the reviewer that you know how to learn from your mistakes and that you will always find a positive aspect to believe in even when you are in a position that is less than ideal for you.

As to whether this essay will work for the top 20-30 schools, you will never know if the essay will work towards the benefit of your application unless you actually submit it for consideration. I can't really say that the will or won't work for those schools due to the varying criteria that they have for applicant student consideration. Just submit the essay and see where it takes you. I won't worry about it though. Your essay is off to a good start and delivers an interesting and educational topic to the reader.

I hope I was able to answer all of your questions. Don't hesitate to contact me here at the forum in case you need further guidance or assistance from me. I'll be happy to help you as best as I can.

Graduate / Cinematography is the Soul of Filmmaking: Narrative Statement (MFA Filmmaking New York Film Academy) [4]

Charles, my attention was immediately called to the fact that your essay is over 1000 words long. That is too long for a narrative statement. Try to keep your essay to the standard 500 words maximum if possible. That is, unless you actually have no word limit on this essay, which I strongly doubt. The longest should be around 750 words if I am not mistaken.

When your narrative runs this long, there is a strong tendency for the reviewer to get bored by your writing, which means he may not finish reading your essay and that in turn, will affect you admission chances. In addition to that, please make sure to separate your paragraphs in order to prevent reading boredom and to help the reader keep track of his place while reading your essay.

Now, for the content of your narrative. You have tried to provide too much irrelevant information in this essay. What you need to do is create a focus topic for your essay in order to create a more relevant presentation of your interests. Consider this essay similar to that of a personal statement. Only this time, you should only narrate the development of your interest in relation to your chosen major. That means, your essay should work on presenting the following information:

1. The actual major that you are interested in enrolling in.
2. Your personal background in relation to this major. Early exposure along with seminars or other training attended in relation to developing your skills in this area is a must.

3. Make yourself stand out by telling the reviewer that you actually have some exceptional or remarkable skills in the field of film making that should help you gain the upper hand in the application. An example of this would be winning a cinematography award in a minor festival or even simply being acknowledged for your skill / talent in the workshops you attended.

At the moment, your essay just comes across as a generic discussion that does not have any real academic focus on your chosen major. Don't discuss your chosen major like an afterthought in the middle of the narrative, bring that up to the very beginning because that is what your narration should be all about. The reviewer will not be impressed by your stories dating back to your childhood or the film influences of a 14 year old. He doesn't need to read about how you ended up a Philosophy student. This narrative should have only one focus, that is to present the reasons behind your interest in Film making (or is it Cinematography? I'm not quite sure which you really want to major in because you are discussing both here. Choose the actual major you want to take and focus on that discussion.), how it developed, what skills you have in relation to that major, and where you see your career going in the future. Don't forget to include a discussion regarding the particular subjects, training, internships, or projects that you hope to delve into while a student at the New York Film Academy. Make sure to highlight your skills along with the major or notable offerings of the academy and the narrative should work better than the version you have at the moment.

Writing Feedback / Many simple thoughts bring enormous ideas which may lead to something great [3]

Mohamed, the first thing I noticed upon reading your version of the video is that there is no point to the scientific experiments that you mentioned. What is the connection of the previous research to present day science or modern day man? Next, you need to make sure that you always use the correct term in reference to the discussion you are presenting. The person involved in science is called a "scientist" not a "scientific". That mistake in your vocabulary alone will ensure that your vocabulary score will be lower than passing. Since you are still practicing for the test at this rate, try to use a dictionary before you use a technical term in order to make sure that you are not using the wrong word description in your essay. It is better to use simple terms and get a good score, then to try and use complex words and get a low or failing score. There is also a lack of clarity in your discussion. What exactly do you mean by "... in order to make their research appeared to be true"? If the experiment has not happened yet, how can it be true? I am not sure what you mean by that reference. Can you clarify it for me? Sadly, these mistakes could all add up for you towards a less than passing score in the actual test. It is never good when the reader cannot understand or connect with the meaning of what you are trying to relay in the summary.

Writing Feedback / Why the scientific discovery is enormously appealing and essential. [3]

Nina, your summary is too brief. Try to aim for at least 5 - 10 sentences for your summary. 4 sentences in a single paragraph is going to be viewed as too short to have been able to deliver a concise summary of a video discussion. You need to make sure that you better develop your topic sentence and offer a little more meaning or reference to the experiments that were conducted by the scientists in order to better illustrate the point that Aderson is trying to make in his speech. While your essay truly conveys the topic and essence of the speech in a short and understandable manner, you need to lengthen your discussion in order to prove that you have a somewhat complex vocabulary and that you are able to explain, in layman's terms, the references to the experiments he noted in his talk. Those would all help to increase your score should this have been an actual test.

Writing Feedback / Chris Aderson - several sciences experiments discovery [3]

Andika, here is a tip for when you are writing these sorts of essays, always use the full name of the person you are referring to because that helps to better identify the person and use the name recall for the readers who may know what you are talking about. It would add to their interest in learning more about what you are summarizing. Also, when you say that Chris Aderson is explaining several science experiments, make sure that you involve him throughout the summary by using terms such as "Aderson first referred to the experiment by Richard who...". Then say "He also called attention to the experiment of Erasthones that measured...". Conclude by saying "Finally, Aderson also made mention of Galileo whose experiment with..." You need to make sure that Aderson constantly connects the summary discussion in order to help the reader keep track of the topic. By the way, the term is "wagon" not "wagen". You also need to clarify what that experiment is all about because the way you explain it is difficult for the reader to understand. Remember, anytime the reader is stressed by what you wrote, you will lose points for it. Your conclusion specially needs cleaning up. What you meant to say is that " Scientific inventions would change the world." Pay attention to the way you develop your sentences. Make sure it is always clear and understandable to the reader.

Writing Feedback / TED Talks : Chris Aderson - How Simple To Lead Scientific Discoveries [2]

Alrisky, I am unable to provide accurate feedback for your statement due to the lack of the url for the video. I need to watch it for myself in order to properly guide you in the development of your summary. What I do notice in your current work though, is that you do not have a cohesive line of thought and your coherence is non-existent. There is no point to your summary because the ideas are all disconnected and there are no connecting sentences, phrases, or keywords that could help to interconnect the discussion you are trying to present. I realize that you are trying to explain about how some simple ideas can lead to scientific discoveries. However, there should be a logical introduction, discussion, and concluding paragraph to the summary. Since that does not exist in your essay, it would appear to the reader that you are merely discussing ideas that do not have any relation and hence, no relevance to the original discussion that Chris Anderson presented. You should have referred to the method by which Anderson discussed the ideas in his essay, thus properly summarizing the context of his speech in your essay. Without the continuity factor, this essay just doesn't have the coherence and logical flow of discussion to pass in the actual test. Lengthening your summary discussion by adding information to it should have solved that problem.

Writing Feedback / It is commonly assumed that global warming is the major issue people have to cope up with currently [3]

Amril, in terms of discussion, it seems that you do not have enough evidence to support your stance that global warming is the biggest threat that we face today. Your essay depicts the strong causes of global warming, but you do not discuss the resulting catastrophes that emanate from the global warming sources that you mention. When you discuss the reasons why you agree with the statement, you need to cite proper reasons related to the causes for example, illegal logging causes soil erosion which in turn, cause massive flooding in various parts of the world. The constant increase in the heat temperature of the planet results in the melting of the polar ice caps which creates an imbalance in the water level of the sea when compared to land level. You mentioned an environmental issue in your country but failed to relate what it was and how it relates to global warming. Do you get my point? The way to discuss this sort of issue is simply by discussing actual events that represent global warming results. You cannot just mention the causes without listing the results. There is no supporting evidence for the side you have chosen to support without actual evidence based on the causes you chose to present. So in terms of discussion, this is quite weak and would lose points in terms of task achievement since you were not able to cite proper examples in support of your discussion. This is an opinion paper that needs supporting evidence in order to be effective in its argument.