Graduate / Eyes through the world - my personal statement (applying Finance master) [18]

Great job here... you are impressive! Work to find places you can trim away excess and make it sleek----> I have lost count of cannot counthow many times I have been traveling outside my home country- Hong Kong, yet I always feel excited to embrace in the new working environment when I had the first glimpse of the new city. ---See, but omitting some words, you let the reader come to conclusions on her own. It livens up the reading.

I simply cannot wait to land on in this new place to learn and explore.

You are so impressive; I have no doubt that one way or another you will be very effective and successful.

Writing Feedback / Toefl, There is nothing that an uneducated person can teach an educated person. [3]

I'll improve the clarity right here:
We can learn a lot of things from their the behavior, experiences and ideas of uneducated people.

Education has not the ability to teach us how to behave.----I agree! It teaches many people to behave like condescending, pompous jerks.

As can be found in history, there are some persons who could not even read or write but become famous for the way that they behave. ----One example that comesto mind for me is a Buddhist named Hui-Neng.

Loving others, helping indigent people, defeat with some kind of chauvinists and est This part does not make sense.

Hence, an educated person can learn how to behave and how love and be loved from some uneducated persons.---nice job!

It is uncommon to say "persons." It is usually better to say people So I think you should revise your essay like this:

Therefore, an educated person can learn these skills from others not care to their education.
or
Therefore, educated people can learn these skills from others not care to their education.

and like this:
Do educated people have all important qualities?
or
Does an educated person have all important qualities?

:-)

Undergraduate / NYU Abu Dhabi Essay, Global Network. [6]

...to experience diverts diverse cultures and religions.

All students at NYU are ambassadors of their countries that are gathered gathering in one place to study and represent where they come from.---This sentence is so profound, so meaningful! I like it. I made a little change to make it more "concise."

Learning about their traditions and backgrounds would will make me a wiser person. in life.

Great ending, too. We are lucky to have you participating at EssayForum.

Undergraduate / UWEC 'Enrich our community' admissions essay "My Personal Little Catastrophe" [4]

I see that you said you don't think you need any more comments here, but I just wanted to mention that I think your complex use of varied kinds of sentence structure is really impressive. Also, at the end of the first paragraph you used a semi-colon to separate something that is kind of an "afterthought." For that purpose, a dash would be better. Google around about the difference between usage of a semi-colon and a dash.

:-)

Undergraduate / African-Americans and the subconscious struggle with double consciousness, Morehouse [10]

With this shift, came a desire to want to conform to societal rules, but with the knowledge of Du Bois ideology (no semi-colon necessary) I preserved my true self.

Use a hyphen:
After analyzing this would-be change...

Capitalize Whites and Blacks, or capitalize neither. I usually capitalize neither...
This problem is found on both opposing sides from the white supremacist groups claiming that Blacks blacks are naturally...---but if the literature sets a precedent to capitalize one, capitalize both.

:-)

Very nice ending. You have some powerful sentences. Congrats on being a natural writer!

Undergraduate / Berea College will bring me challenges: " Why Berea?" [3]

Nice job with this essay. Also, thanks for being such a good example and encouraging collaboration. That is what makes EF great.

Living and studying at Berea for my entire Bachelor's academic undergraduate years is a great chance to be improved improve as person and leader.

I want to take ultimate advantages advantage of the opportunities created by the land of opportunities.---It is good to trim away extra words and be concise.

This college never lets financial problems become main factors for prospective students. not to apply or be worried .

This is a powerful sentence, very good: Love and care towards every individual student of Berea makes every student much stronger.

Once Bill Gates quoted remarked, "Receiving bachelor's degree is ...

Use an apostrophe:
...is for not only my parents' fortune, but also, for mine too.

Capitalize:
As it is said, "Challenges make...

I am very impressed. If you have any trouble getting into the program you want, try another and another, and let everyone share in your enthusiasm. Your enthusiasm will energize every system you enter and make you successful!

Graduate / SOP_BS, MS in Statistics bacground, applying for MS in Economics in Hong Kong [7]


Very impressive. For someone whose mother tongue is not English you have excellent command over English grammar. In this sentence above, you express a concept that raises questions. Beliefs are generated from imagination/reasoning/truth and based on math. If you give these words, you have to start explaining them in the next paragraph.

Or you can add a thesis statement after this sentence and make it a statement that tells the main idea of the essay -- which might be your overall purpose and intention for your education.

I think you should move the sentence about the four different aspects up so that it becomes the beginning of paragraph 2. That way, you can express what they all add up to; when you look at them collectively, they represent what YOU are all about. So list them and sum them up in paragraph 2.

At the end of the essay, you should revisit your main theme/statement. This is a statement of your unique intentions with this specialization pertaining to micro and macro econ. analysis. it is not enough to say you "desire to receive the best education possible" at a school with "prestigious fame and brilliant economics minds." The most important part of this is the discussion of what makes you unique and interesting. Try to establish a memorable theme and express it in an interesting way at both the beginning and the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / Photography: goals for your time at Queen's University and beyond [8]

That's when the words PASSION and JOY are written all over my face.--wonderful idea, but I think you should use " " marks instead of capital letters:

That's when the words "passion" and "joy" are written all over my face.

...pinch of pressure... nice.

... are the best catalysts for success, and it would extend further onto into my career.

Actually, in that sentence above I think you should REVISE the last few words so that they express a distinct process... something memorable. What are your unique goals? I bet you have at least 10, so choose a few to share here as the THEME for the essay. Revise the last sentence of this first paragraph so that it shows an interesting theme that will stick in the reader's mind. It has to be the unique thing, the thing you are all about. It is a combination of visual art and something else, I think. :-)

germany Germany

... through my Queen's Experience, which will inspire me to make a difference in the world.

Nice job, you write very well!

Dissertations / Masters in food and consumer safety / packaging - Research title [9]

It is a little too simple and obvious. A good thesis statement should be arguable. That means it expresses an idea that can be a little controversial, so that some people would not agree. Otherwise, if no one would disagree, then why write about it?

So... after you write some body paragraphs about some articles you read, you will have something more specific to say, and it will be arguable.

:-)

Writing Feedback / O level essay: School uniform- sense of identity and good discipline [3]

You have to pluralize Uniform:

"Uniforms are boring!" "Uniforms are unnecessary!" "School can still do well without uniforms!" Those complaints about school uniforms have become a familiar refrain.---Now it is perfect! Notice that I took out those periods. If you have the exclamation mark, do not use a period.

To tell the truth, uniforms do does more than just making students look alike. But in what ways? The following reasons will ascertain the doubts.

Owing to increasing peer pressure, students nowadays are likely to assess each other by clothes and appearances. ---This is a very good sentence.

Your essay has excellent structure, because each paragraph is about one main idea. Very good organization!

In general, nerds, who are made fun of their the way they look, feel embarrassed and discouraged in school, which results in decline of their academic performances.---another great sentence!!

Hence, uniforms help to ...

Summing up, uniforms should be implemented in school as it they impart loyal ty to the school in students as well as put them on their best behavior.

Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

The OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart, because I like this unique block plan especially because it enables me to participate in various off campus study programs xxxxxxxx, yyyyyyyy, and zzzzzz - which I believe can broaden my world. - more easily than other colleges. You might want to add an observation about a specific resource or professor that you especially want to work with because of your special interests WITHIN your chosen field -- your possible areas of specialization.

:-)

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Welcome to EssayForum! I hope you meet a lot of great people. I look forward to helping with your essays. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Children require the love shared by both father and mother" Fatherhood & motherhood [3]

In the past, there was a convention that fathers only are responsible for satisfying the material needs of the children, while mothers share the love and affection.

Nowadays the children are given more liberty by their fathers to take make their own decisions about their education and the friends they would like to have.

In case if If both the partners are working, to have ...

Do not capitalize here:
To summarize , the...

notion of mothers being more responsible for taking care and bringing up the children is no longer valid----I agree! :-)

In the modern society both the partners share the equal responsibility.

Nice job with this essay.

Writing Feedback / Long-distance flight consumes more resources and pollutes more than cars [4]

If you have time, make a new draft and use the corrections offered here.

In addition to what Hoang Lam said, I see that this is a run on sentence:
In my opinion, the airplane is a symbol of the modern society. It represents the development of technology and progress of civilization. --I fixed it!

In addition, we cannot deny that long-distance flight has been polluted polluting and consuming a lot of petroleum, and it is even one of the factors that leads the greenhouse effect.

:-)

Undergraduate / Terrorism and Islam - Umich College of Engineering [4]

It is a struggle against one's own desires, or a quest to gain knowledge, or to stand up for justice. Simply put, Jihad is a Muslim's duty to do what is right by the law of the Koran.

That Muslims like me, who want nothing more than to live and practice our religion in peace, exist is a testament to how Islam is not a religion of violence. ---Oh, great sentence.

This whole essay is very well-written! You make a great argument, and I hope a lot of people see this thread so they benefit from it.

Let the war against terrorism be against the terrorists, and no one else.

I can't offer much help to improve it, because it is written so clearly and interestingly already. All your arguments are solid, and you even cited evidence from the Koran to support it. You certainly are correct when you say misinterpretation happens with all religions.

:-)

Book Reports / This book is real depth - "To Kill a Mockingbird" [2]

Great edit, Olga!

Hey, I also think this should be taken out:
As we all know, the criterion to judge a book is that the book must have its merits. "To Kill a Mockingbird" is a nonfiction novel. The first sentence is a statement of the obvious. The second sentence is a little confusing... it is based on a true story, right?

This is certainly a thought-provoking book.---This is not a good way to end the first paragraph of an essay. At the end of the first paragraph of an essay, give a sentence that will capture the main message of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / transfer short answer: Why Columbia? a sense of community, unique bond [4]

Olga, Yvonne, and Ralph, you are all such impressive EssayForum members. We're lucky to have you all here.

This essay should be separated into three succinct paragraphs, I think.

It's funny, I have heard a lot of people say the same thing about BU!! Good luck, I hope you love the next school.

it is possible for one to never take a class unrelated to a chosen area of study. --This part is not very clear.

Anyway, let's not write so much about BU. Can you write a little more specifically about your clear intentions for the future? Add some sentences that show how well-developed your plan is and how well developed and specific your interests are within your chosen field. Show that you are excited about your chosen field and about some specific resources at Columbia.. perhaps a specific club associated with your interests.

Cut this stuff about location; write only about your plan and your specific interests, a book you are currently reading, and articles you have been reading about Columbia or written by Columbia professors.

And I think you should only have 1-2 sentence about what BU lacks.
:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: Suggestion on improving the quality of instruction at the college [4]

... that all the courses taught in university were irrelevant to his work when I had just begun my university life.

The academic world keeps...

If it is hard to let students learn...

It is during higher education that the youth begin to know about the society.

You write very well! My suggestions above are not very important ones. :-)

Undergraduate / ETSU Honor essay (take 3 items with you to a deserted island) [2]

Hey, I think it is funny and impressive that you thought to include the word indestructible. :-)

Capitalize Internet.

...with my family families and friends.
Oh, that paragraph about the violin is beautifully written.

The thought of staying in on a deserted island on my...

In fact, the four years on the island would offer me a lifetime opportunity to just spend ...

Your grammar is very good! You have some well-structured sentence.

Research Papers / HELP with topic for Children's literature paper (argumentive/research essay) [3]


I'll tell you a great trick. It is not really a trick; it is the right way to do this, and teachers do not always explain it well...

Your claim is meaningless until you are knowledgeable. You aren't knowledgeable until after you write about the articles. The trick is to read one article and write about it.

Then another. Then another. One at a time, it is easy.

When you have written a paragraph about each article's main idea, you will have a bunch of big ideas about the series.

So start by searching your school library database for journal articles. Use the name of the series and search for journal articles, and you will find great reviews and analysis. Are you able to search for journal articles on your school library database?

So, that is the trick. Write about the articles first. Then, make a CLAIM that not everyone would agree with.
:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Post-school qualifications in Australia - men dominated by reaching 90% [2]

This is the hardest kind of writing. It is very hard to explain charts properly, so do not be discouraged. I'll make corrections, and your job is to investigate the changes and learn the reason I made them:

The given chart gives information about the percentage of men and women at levels ...

... dominated dramatically by accounting for 90% whereas the women accounted for only 10%.

In this section, women prevailed at 70% over men whose figure peaked at 40%. ---prevailed is a funny way to write it... but not bad. Interesting.

As far as it concerned to With regard to bachelors degrees, the deference was slight between two genders.

Overall, the chart illustrates that the proportion of men having a post-school qualification is much bigger than that of women.

:-)

Graduate / SOP for MSc IN manufacturing ENGINEERING in UK [6]

Let's make it all hypnotizingly plural:
As a boy I was always spellbound by the contributions of science and technology into to our lives and the way it has they affected our living, which inspired me to take up engineering as my field for graduation. ---I just wanted to trim away those unnecessary words. Less is more!

...machines and always wanted to know them better. --This paragraph is very short! Maybe you should add a few more sentences to complete the idea.

Every "body" paragraph should be one idea that is part of the message of the essay. So an essay with five paragraphs, which has 3 body paragraphs, will have one main idea and three sub ideas. That is not really always the best way to write, but try it that way. It is a powerful way to write.

Actually, as I continue to read I see that you write good paragraphs about distinct ideas... so, you are better than I thought!

Right here, this seems like you are not really saying anything:
The scope and depth of the courses coupled with a stirring environment seem to be the right composite for me to do my post-graduation in this univer --You need to tell them something about a connection you have made with the professors or with the text books used or with the school itself... say something to show how your particular interests make this a great school for you. You have to say something meaningful; it is no good to say "scope and depth" and talk vaguely... show them that you have been learning all about their program.

:-)

Writing Feedback / O level narrative:an attempt to help led to unexpected consequences for the helper. [2]

Cook woke up and found himself lying in the corner of a valley. --I like this very interesting first sentence.

It was a sun-splashed afternoon when he decided to try out his newly-bought motorcycle.----very good writing, very rhythmic!

When you do dialogue,use a comma:
He questioned in surprise, "Maybe you are...

Did not Not waiting for Cook to complete his sentence , the spiteful girl had already

Use a comma instead of a period:
"Drag this stupid grit into the valley over there, then we leave, " demanded a hoarse voice.

so stupid," h e shouted in regret and pain.

Thanks for sharing this great story!

Undergraduate / "Interest in philosophy and literature" (Low-GPA, high-potential student) [6]


Ha ha, you know there are none! The way you write shows such command over English that you surely know whether or not you have any. However, I like Khristian's idea. It is not good to let writing be so stretched out, at least not in my opinion. It is not the style I like, but the way you construct sentence does accomplish something excellent here. Most of the time, I would advise a writer not to use such complex sentences, and when you write for other purposes I think you should simplify, but here I think you did a great job... the complexity of your writing reflects the complexity of your thinking, and the reader will be impressed with the eloquence.

I guess I like the first one more. The second one starts with a boring, unhelpful sentence...


If this is a short essay, you should not waste sentences like this. Express your passion for lit and your intention for getting the most out of your education. Express your plan, and keep only the most excellent sentence. Make sure the reader notices that you have a clear, detailed plan.

The first essay is better!!

Undergraduate / (I want to be a businesswoman) How to write regarding your education goals. [7]

You need to read something awesome! Read some articles and books written by experts in business. There are many different philosophies, many different approaches. Read about "creating blue oceans," for example. Google this: blue ocean strategy

You can also read Good to Great by Jim Collins.
I do not have any interest in getting an MBA but I read these because they are SO interesting!!

The books and articles are like the wood for the fire of your essay. No wood, no fire. :-)

Undergraduate / "I want a degree in Civil Engineering" - Georgia Tech Admission essay. [3]

How has the world changed in the last 100 years? Better yet, disregard the first question and ask yourself in what aspect has it not changed? ---awesome, very interesting!! Get rid of that second question mark, though. That second sentence is not a question.

Evolution is a necessary tool if one wants to survive the rigorous stigmas---stigma? I don't know if stigma is the right word...

I hope to become an innovator in the field, and I will strive for vast improvements stipulated by the dynamic growth that will be required since current projections estimate the human population to reach between 8 to 10.5 billion by the year 2050.---another excellent, powerful sentence.

You write beautifully... how can you be good at mathematics, spacial relations, and the other necessities of engineering if you are such a good writer? I think, though, that you should add a little more to this to show that you are reading articles and books so you can catch up with the latest advancements and innovations. If you wait for college to teach you, you will be reacting, but if you show in this essay that you have been reading books and articles by engineers, you will be being proactive.

:-)

Undergraduate / Buying House resembles Searching for Spouse- USC's Visions & Voices [3]

Hello friend, I'll give some suggestions below...
It wasn't specifically a part-time work job, but I came to...

It has been 2 two years ago since I got involved

To quote mum, real property is actually a field that could either change your life by earning you a lot of money -- or give you nothing.

They simply make makes me so enthusiastic about the future.

Be careful to keep the verb tense the same:
You meet realistic clients who see minutes as money. You carefully observed observe grownups who meticulously handed hand in an enclosed envelope containing One Thousand one thousand Malaysian Ringgit (MYR) of deposit. All you feel at the moment was is how swiftly professional their action is and how yours, when paying monthly tuition fees in school, in contrast, is so clumsy.

Sometimes, you make premature judgment before listening to clients' further statements . At the same time, what whirls in your mind was is whether or not ...

So there you have about my experience of working with mum. Want to buy a new house in Malaysia next time? Don't worry, mum and her assistant will immediately look out for you.---ah, great ending. You are very clever!

Practice your verb tenses every day!! That is what you need to work on most. :-)

Writing Feedback / 'murky aspects of life' - The study of history has value [5]


Wow, impressively worded...

By studying history despite (no, despite is not the right word. You should use "in addition to") increasing our knowledge, we can gain experience without pragmatically actually being involved with the fact, build our future and augment our original.

On the other hand history books are replete with...

... studying the history prepares us for our future.

Apart from learning experiences and achieving advancements this part is unclear...

Apart from learning experiences gaining insight and achieving advancements, studying the history helps ...

To summarize I believe studying the history has some influences on our daily lives and it is practical. It helps us to be connoisseur wise as the result of knowing other's experiences. Besides it keep our ability to be progressive.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the vast diversity and ... my cousin" - Why Franklin and Marshall [4]

Let's trim the unnecessary:
When my cousin enrolled at Franklin and Marshall in around 2002, I was not even ten years old and nowhere near thinking about my own college search.

My research into the College proved to me that Franklin and Marshall had everything for which I was looking, above all of which is are its international, outward-looking values.

my future dream of being a journalist. ---You need to write more about this. This is the most important part of the essay. The reasons for choosing the school should not be about your cousin or any other people who gave it good reviews (You can mention those good reviews as part of a sentence, but do not make them a big theme of the essay). The main theme of the essay should be about journalism and the way this school can get your career started the right way. Show that you are familiar with some of the articles or books written by the professors. Google around about the professors that will be teaching you. Show that you are planning your journalism education.

:-) And it will be great if you mention a little about what is going on in the world of journalism today.

Graduate / "The application of knowledge to develop a community" - SOP for M.Sc Computing [4]


I would like to help with this, but a number is meaningless if I do not know the scoring criteria. It is not important to have a number, anyway...

IMPORTANT: You asked about organization, and I want to tell you that the way to have organization is to have all the paragraphs share a common idea. ONE, BIG IDEA. That idea should be explained at the end of the first paragraph. I think you should add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and let it be the sentence that unites all the paragraphs by giving them one common idea.

Do you know what I mean?

:-)

Graduate / Energy related course - Sop for MSc in Natural GAS Technology [8]

Ha ha... well, adverbs are okay sometimes. EF_Kevin hates them much more than I do:
Adverbs are the worst

Undergraduate / "Self-Discovery; the bucolic town of Jijiga"-Essay Prompt [3]


Whoa, that is harsh, ha ha. I will read the essay and decide if I agree.

I'll add some commas:
My grandmother, then 75, amazed me with the precision and joy with which she went about her daily chores.

I love the first paragraph, and it is cool that the paragraph ends with some ACTION (sweeping.)

Though I believe that I should fit into a mesh, I strongly adhere to following my own path within that mesh. ---excellent, this essay has a lot of wisdom.

I think you have a great writing style and a great way of thinking. You maintained a great theme throughout the essay, and you have a poetic way of writing. If you can give more details about your short term goals, it will be even better. The criticism from donrocks is important, because it shows how people MAY react to the essay, but overall I think this is a very valuable essay.


Every word is about YOU. This essay follows that writing rule, "show, don't tell."
I think if anyone reading this thread has the opportunity, they should read what Anthony Demello writes about a tree in his book called The Way to Love.

So... do not disregard that criticism, but rest assured that thoughtful readers will appreciate the wisdom in this essay, as I know Donrocks does even if he does not admit it ;-)

Writing Feedback / Fatherhood crisis - women are solely responsible for deciding to have babies [2]

Aria did definitely give a thorough analysis, but do you understand all of it? It looks confusing! Do you have questions?

I'll give some more ideas below:

Therefore they believed believe that the women are solely responsible for ...

I think that the child needs both of mom and dad because fatherhood ought to be emphasis as much as motherhood.
One child needs...
Two children need... ---I don't know why, but in English we change the verb if the noun is plural! :-)

Definitely, single life is more simpler and easier than married life.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Do you believe the use of Internet in formal education is a good idea? - IELTS Task 2 [5]

Some believe the Internet can change the essence of the traditional education from a serious issue to a kind of entertainment, while others think education by using the Internet can be easier and more convenient.

Finally, in the future the Internet can have a positive impact on academic education.

Capitalize:
by By gaining more access to virtual libraries and sources of information via the Internet, in the future more people can have ...

Use the word "the"---> In conclusion, the Internet can...

You are doing very well! Keep practicing! :-)

Grammar, Usage / Did I put the comma's in the right place in this sentence?! [6]

A great way to learn the correct use of commas is to read Strunk and White. (Google it)

"After all, in addition to academics a rich life also includes friendships and connections to one's community, and I believe that kind of life can begin at Georgia Tech."

Undergraduate / Programs in Kinesiology, reasons for choosing -University Of Waterloo Entrace [5]

Well, strictly speaking, what you have is an educational goal. However, it is the same kind of goal every other applicant will express. Everyone will name some degree they want to get. But you wan set yourself apart by sharing a sort of enlightened idea. If you do a little reading tonight, an article or book written by a heroic authority in your chosen field, you might find a brilliant insight. It won't come from the book, but instead from your own mind in response to what you read. That goal should be something more than the name of the degree. It should involve a specialization, or it should involve several subgoals. Make it unique and meaningful. It's not easy until the moment of inspiration! :-)

Writing Feedback / O Level essay: Animals and birds should never be kept in cages. What's your opinion? [6]

While supporters supporters of what? You should just say this: While animal rights activists believe that animals and birds should never be caged, I oppose assert that sometimes animals and birds should be caged for the following reasons.

I think you did a great job with this. I especially like the argument about caging them for the protection of humans. But it is a weak argument when you begin the essay by talking about their use for medical advancement, because the topic of the essay is a moral argument, so... I don't think is good to begin with an argument about using them for medical research.

You write very well!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: parenting courses in school [7]

In present days, young parents increasingly feel...

in traditional ways because they work far away home and ...

Youths have their own idea and have the right to choose whether he or she they want to get trained ...

In addition, no one can be a perfect ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "My father, South Korea" - someone who has made an impact on your life [2]

all my father and mother had were was a cramped single room...
Say 'were'if they had more than one thing in the sentence. If the only thing they had in the sentence was a room, use 'was.'

carrying a pretty (no, pretty does not work here) great deal of boxes or sweeping the floor ...

you don't have to tell the reader Seoul is the capital of s. Korea. The reader knows. So... it is an unnecessary detail.

You write very well. I can't find much room for criticism because it is so thoughtful!

Student Talk / I am new here and I want to practice writing English essay.. [35]

Hi Candy, I see that you are helping a lot of people. Thanks for being here and participating.