Writing Feedback / TOEFL: "I cannot wait back to my job"- social life vs job happiness [4]


This is too long as Dumi has mentioned. Try to keep things simple and short.


People tend to spend more time on their jobs now than their social life.

Hmmm you need to work on your presentation. I can see a lot of good points which are not presented properly. Otherwise your essay would have been a very good one.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Living in high apartments : Advantages and Disadvantages [5]

I like your start.. Very nice :)


I would prefer if you have said "secondly".

Secondly, people living in apartments are somewhat distant from nature, for instance, they may see a beautifully bloomed rose in a garden but they can not touch and smell it.


...This I think is the most biggest disadvantage. Give it more prominence and explanation.

Writing Feedback / Is it good for teenagers to work? Yes, it's a Good Idea [8]

.First, I am not considering teenagers here who need to work because they have to support themselves and have no other choice. ... I don't think there should be "here" after the teenagers part.

I like the way you have written this essay. Some mistakes have been corrected by others. But i should say that I support your view. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Is it important to allocate part of school resources for & music education ? [6]

I like the beginning of your essay. It catches the reader's eye well. :)

There is not much wrong with your essay. The few faults I found have been corrected by others. I think your conclusion is very good. You haven't out weighed any side. Overall I think you have done a good job. :)

Undergraduate / MUSIC, My escape; NYU Transfer - What Intrigues You? [7]

You have a wide taste in music from Beethoven to Bob Marley and to Jay-z. You have written this well but You have not really brought forward why you like music this much except in the last few lines. Perhaps you should use the remaining characters and fill that gap up.

Research Papers / Threatening FB messages by a stranger; MIT summer research / Disagreement I have had [4]

I think you have written this well. You have specifically told the reader what the argument was about, how you handled it, and the ultimate outcome of it. Nicely written and well constructed. And I think it would be a good idea to say what you would do if it happens again. :)

Undergraduate / HERO inside everyone just waiting to change the wrold; CLI (Northwestern ) [3]

I like your beginning. It catches the reader's eye.:)

I was happy, but something was missing. I wasn't really sure what it was or even what I wanted it to be. So, I went looking. .... I'm not quite sure I understand what you are trying to say here.

I also saw kids who had to walk for hours and hours each way, every day to fetch water that was so dirty and could probably kill them, and often did. ... I like the emotion.. Perhaps it would be better if you cut off the "each way" part. hmmm...

Overall I think it's a good essay. :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Some think that giving a weekly allowance to children face less problems [5]


Weekly allowances helps children understand how co-ordinate their expenses and this practice would certainly be beneficial for them once they are adults.


The primary benefit a child would have because of an allowance is that he would be learning about finance.

You have good points but you need to improve your grammar and presentation.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Money spent for in.national sports events /sports training to children [5]


... I don't think you need a comma after the since in this sentence.

Since a huge amount of money needed to spend for organizing these events, it raisesa question whether governmentsshould use the money for lavish international sporting events or bringing up young talents.


Since it is a prestigious tournament, countries try to host it as best they could.

You have very good points for your essay. I hope my suggestions helped. :)

Writing Feedback / Watching or reading? - People can learn more from watching television [4]


These children have not learnt many words yet.


which gives him useful scientific knowledge through an interesting kiddish story.


television shows provide the audience


it can also help young students learn foreign languages.

You have very good points for your essay. :)

Undergraduate / Advantages and Disadvantages of travelling abroad [2]


Thanks to globalization,


the number of foreign tourists is continuously increasing in most countries.


....This sentence is too long, the reader would lose his way when he reads long sentences...

You need to improve your grammar. :)

Writing Feedback / what job do you want? high salary but have to leave your family or the contrary. [3]

Young people usually confront a dilemma when theyhunter theirstart huntingfor jobs:ajobswith temptingsalaries but having to stay far away from families and friends orajobswith modest salaries but can enjoy the time with families and friends .

As far as I am concerned, I would like to accept few salaries but possess benefits staying with my family and friends rather than pursue considerable salaries but cut off from family and friends. ... A few salaries?? what do you mean??

Undergraduate / Dance Hall Music; Transfer Common App- Extracurricular [11]

Nicely done.. But I wonder, you have simply shown how you came to love music. perhaps you need to elaborate more on what you did with it. Maybe even an accomplishment. But what you have written so far is very very nice. Well done and good luck! :)

Undergraduate / JOURNALISM ,"This is mine, I created this"; GOALS [5]

Hmmm... You have written it well but most of your parts are unnecessary I believe. You have not clearly explained what your goals are. Nor have you shown what you achieved. Your sounds like a story.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) computer games good or bad for children? [8]


Chief among these is addiction to these games.


These programs are made in such a way to motivate players to set new targets and scores, thereby making them play for long hours.


... Good point.


Ignorance of rules to follow a game and absence of enough friends to participate in a game, is another reason for them to be fond of computer games.

YOuhave given some very good points :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Families shouldn't pay taxes if not sending children to government schools [6]


Education is the main concern of every family raising children,


.... Good point.


he faced a financial crisis that gave him no choice but to remove his kids from the private school they were attending and transfer them to a public school.

Undergraduate / Chinese chess; U Wisconsin-Madison/ Gone Unnoticed [3]


For me, the special chess that is full of Chinese culture, that stimulates me to spare time and effort is chinese chess. ... I'm not sure whether the idea is brought out correctly in your sentence or even mine for that matter. I think you should rephrase it.


This part is very unclear to me. :/

You need to work on your grammar and presentation. Without those you can not write a good essay.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) television has a great impact on our lives..? [6]


Nice beginning.


To begin with, as television is an audio visual media it that has a great impact on it's viewers.

You talk too much on the positives of television. You have only written a couple of lines regarding the negative side of TV. Better balance it out.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: prison could prevent them from becoming criminals [4]

You need to work on your grammar and presentation. You have good poiwhich are not presented nicely.


You have said "where" twice in the same sentence.


This sentence does not seem to sound correct. Kindly rephrase it.

You break the nice flow of the sentence by saying "treatment" twice in the sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Many shops work for 24 hours a day 7 days a week; Compare customer, shop keeper [4]


If we look from the customers point of view, it is a huge advantage for them if the shops are open twenty four hours everyday.


For example, my cousin was recently infected with a wheezing problem and he was struggling to breathe one night because his prescribed medicine has been used up.

You need to work on your grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Television makes the biggest impact on our daily life. [5]


Television is a major cause for students to be distracted from their studies. It also has a major role to play with the increase of drug use and violence in the world.

You need to work on your grammar and presentation. You have some good points which would interest the reader but you need to present it properly.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) inborn talents vs trained talents. [7]

You need to improve your grammar and presentation.


This sentence does not sound correct.
Some people believe that skills and talents should be in one's genes and training yourself without these inborn skills is a waste of time.


This sentence also sounds incorrect. "Taking lots of grooming"????

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) education can reduce the number of criminals? [13]


However, I completely agree with the idea that proper education can decrease the number of crimes.


These moral values enable them to distinguish right from wrong.


For instance, if one believes that it is his right to injure a person who hurts him, it may lead to serious consequences.

You need to work on your grammar a little bit more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - (EXPENSES in a School in UK in 1981,1991 & 2001) - Pie Chart [3]

The first sentence is key to an essay.


It's better if you simply specify what the expenses are exactly because by saying "some kinds of expenses" your sentence sounds shallow and vague.


Other worker's salaries were 28%, 22% and 15% in the respective years and were among the lowest expenditures of the total school expenditure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writings - Reasons for Obesity and solutions to it [10]


Obesity is making the lives of many people very miserable.

I like the way you write but I think you have to work on your grammar a little bit. You have good points for your essay but you need to back it up with better presentation. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - teach children at home or at schools [6]


Therefore, I hold the view that parents have significant influence on development of their children's character.

Hmm I like how you bring your idea. It is very clearly done.. :)

Undergraduate / Bangladesh/ Energy consumptoin; U Toronto Engineering - EXTRA CURRICULAR Experiences [4]

Bangladesh, a small third world country, roughly the size of Wisconsin with a population of about 150 million people, was at one time, a forefront for educational reform in Asia.

hmmm I think this sentence is just a little bit too long.. Try to break it down like this,

Bangladesh is a small third world country and is roughly the size of Wisconsin. It has a population of approximately 150 million people. It was once considered to be a forefront for educational reform in Asia.

You actually write well but you make a few mistakes along the way as well I see. Look at the suggestions made to you. I'm sure it will help. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS T-2: Write Pros and Cons of crime prevention in society, give your opinion [10]

Those who oppose say good and evil are human instincts .

For instance,thefirst murder in history of mankind was committed by a brother to another.

Hence anger, revenge and suspicion are in human natureand theythatcan not be eradicated.

I like the way you write but I feel as if you need to write a bit more than this.

Writing Feedback / Studying quantum physics [3]


Don't start the sentence using "Chief reason..." because it does not sound good. Try something like,

The main reason why I would choose Quantum physics is because it is indirectly...

The rest of your essay seems ok. I personally would like to study quantum physics as well. But i found even the easiest stuff very hard to understand.. lol

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) prevention of crimes makes no difference [4]


These causes can not be wiped away from the society and thus, crime rate increases.

I prefer not to use words like "thus" and "etc" in essays because they sort of break the flow of the essay.


Even after strong regulation and education, offenders continue to increase in number.

Essays / A brief essay about myself - how to start and end it. [10]

Start with your past, explain how you grew up and what sort of environment you lived in. Come up to the schooling point and tell us an unforgettable experience. Everyone has one those in school. Afterwards tell us what you did after school and how you came to be where you are now. And finally tell us about what you want to do or become in the future and how you are going to get there. :)

Writing Feedback / Young people have little leisure time and work hard with their studies_IELTS task 2 [3]


Standards of living is getting better and better everyday, and people have to work harder and harder everyday so that they do not fall behind.

I don't quite understand the relationship between standards of living and people working hard. I believe the people have to work harder everyday because the world is getting more and more competitive. But this might just be my idea.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY: Is there a good reason to be impolite (rude) to another person? [8]


They are the most important people in your life, therefore you must not use rudeness with them and hurt their feelings.

This sentence seems as if you are talking with somebody... Which i must say is a little weird... :/

Undergraduate / "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" essay for Hillsdale College [5]

Hmm I like the way you write. But you have started with a quote. I wouldn't exactly call it an experience that changed your life. Plus you spend too much time talking about other stuff. You should write more on how you changed as a person after getting the job.

Scholarship / Courage is not born, it is developed; Scholarship 2013 [11]


... This sentence seems to be unclear to me.. BUt that might just be me..


.. hmmm I do not quite agree with this though. I think certain people are born with courage, but it certainly can be developed even further as you have said.

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 [5]


...Never try to use a "/" in your essay. It breaks the rhythm of your writing. And I do not think a leader would ever use fear as a weapon to make those under him obey his orders. A leader differs from a dictator because of this exact reason. Respect is what a leader would use.

If you finish the essay post it here so that we can help you. Judging by your sections I can see that this is going to be a very interesting essay.

Undergraduate / PHOTOGRAPHY & ANATOMY; Sonography Program/ Career choice [2]


... I'm not quite sure whether I understand what you mean by this sentence... But here is my suggestion..

Whatever the emotion may be, I believe that a photograph tell us a hidden story that could be a key to help others on anther day.

I like the way you write. It has a lot of emotion behind it. :)

Undergraduate / "Narrow-mindedness" ; "exchange year" Mac "diversity" [4]

Remaining almost silent, I knew I was not actually belong to the group. ... Try this,

As I remained silent before them, I realized that i was not part of their group.

Therefore, I studied diligently and dared to speak in awful German whenever I gotthechances.

I like your essay, it's very touching.

I hope my suggestions helped. :)

Undergraduate / Why you, Why me Beloit app essay [4]

When people think of a getaway they'll think of a tropical place, but I think of the woods, the cliffs, the outdoor serene that Wisconsin holds,everythingthat Beloit has.

I lovethe factthat I would be able to take a French class and Arabic class and then classes in architecture and theater later in the day. ... The second half of the sentence doesn't seem to come out right. I've been thinking of ways to make it ok but can't come up with anything. :/

Undergraduate / My industrious nature; UColorado @ Boulder - DIVERSE COMMUNITY [4]

I like the way you write. Your essay shows everybody how much you love maths and how good you are at it as well. But you have almost dedicated your entire essay to that certain topic "how much I love math". I think you might need to add something about yourself to interest the reader because I'm sure many people will be writing the same thing. Something about you that would blow you off the page.