Scholarship / Performance Anxiety [Questbridge Additional Essay, Prompt #1] [4]

As I see, a lot of EF contributors helped you out but I hope I will be able to contribute a little bit.

- ...my usual nervous reaction to nerves:, an embarrassing...
- - and speakutter my piece.

- ...yourself, and just...
- existingenjoy your existence being as a lesbian.
- ...looking down at the printed version of my piece in front of me ,

Well, there's not much to wok on as you have come up with a very well written essay. It is indeed a daunting task to speak in front of the masses mores if the topic you will talk about is something personal, however, what you get out of this experience is a lifetime appreciation of yourself, what you can achieve and what you will become in the years to come. I wish you the best of luck and check EF from time to time for any assistance that you need with your writing.

Undergraduate / UChicago supplement- So where is Waldo, really? [4]

- ...smothers his meal inwith ketchup and mustard.
- ...the red clothing that every loyal ...
- ... notice that who is perhaps the world's most...

- ...striped tee,( not necessary for a comma on this part ) because ...
- Little doesdid he know...
- that many tourists will...

Very fascinating, entertaining and yes, who is this man? Is he a product of our imagination or somehow manage to keep us intrigued and interested.

Regardless of who he is, we smile when we see him or if we thought we did and at the end of the day he leaves a question that will keep us following where he went and what he is up to.

I'm not sure if I catch your essay last time but you got me reading nonstop with your essay which is what most writers would wish for readers to do every time they publish an essay or a piece of writing. Well, I hope my remarks helped polish this very entertaining piece of writing.

Research Papers / Obesity from the Beginning [3]

- ...legitimately sum up to what's been...
- ...going on in the lives of many peoples("people" is a plural collective word for 2 or more person so there is no need to add the "s" ) .

- ...to prevent yourself from being obeseobesity ,
- ...and even from what you think your eating is heathy but is truly unhealthy.
- ...to know that obesity doesn't begin...
- ...based of offon how rats offspring...
- So, as of coming to thisAs conclusion, many women...

This is just the first leg of the remarks I'm going to make to help you out.
I'll get back to you for the next few paragraphs.
So far, your doing quiet well, I have very minor remarks that hopefully enhance your research.

Undergraduate / Brandeis being a Jewish affiliated university, I felt that I being a Muslim would make me an outcast [9]

- ...strokes of traditional characters,( delete all your commas (,) before the word "and" as it's not necessary) and brush paintings...

- YourThe institution..
-...carries a heavyutmost emphasis on being..
- ...a part of something bigger than one's selfif not larger than life .
- Furthermore, the prominence on community service is appealing;, along...
- ...Asian culture attracts medraw my interest to the institution .
- At that moment, I realized that Brandeis University....

- ...university, I feltmade me feel that I being a...
- ...Muslim would make me an outcast.
- Until, readingHaving this in mind, I read reviews...
- From those individual college reviewsArmed with this very useful information , I saw...
- a proof in Brandeis's vision.
- Brandeis is right for me because, I will contribute to those...
- ...values through curiosity toin learning the unknowing,

I hope the remarks made a difference.

Undergraduate / Art is my voice and peace - Common Application Essay Prompt #1 [3]

I'll try to help out;

- Growing up as the oldesteldest of four girls
- ...myself that leads me to always be...
- ...the best self that I could possibly be,
- ...and givegave me the drive..
- However, this has ideology has...
-...very few people even knew my name.
- The cons included drastically the hardest transition that...
- I had to rapidly adjust myself in a new environment fast .
- ...a bus, and a migraine.
- ...and every time my pencil hits the paper, my thoughts flow out like magic.
- howeverit has taught me not to never give up,
-...multiple things, but most importantly,..
- ...I canable to handle anything that itis thrown my way.

Just a reminder when writing the word "and" it is not necessary to be followed by a comma, also, you have to mind your verb tenses, review on this language rule as well as your linking verbs that makes the sentence a whole.

I hope this helps.

Undergraduate / UW Madison Application. My parents' divorce. Let me know what could use improving or corrections. [3]

- It was the first Friday inof April..
- ofin my fourth grade year ( did this happen in high school or primary school, in this sentence,it will help if you're a bit specific) .

- ...in my life that goeswent unnoticed.
- I was at the agedof nine when...
- ....so I was volunteered as the role model.
- ...since my parents'( the apostrophe is not necessary in the word "parents)
- ...the majority of my peersthem had not gone through what I had.

Divorce is a serious issue and for this issue to go unnoticed is an act of denial, I believe that the best way to deal with problems or issues such as divorce is to deal with it,face it and find solutions to overcome it.

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE- MANUFACTURING TECHNOLOGY PROGRAM- ESSAY OF A SATELLITE DESIGN ENGINEER [4]

- ...order to apply for the Masters of Manufacturing...
- ...University,in Karnataka,...
- I was also awarded atin various national and...
- ...state level conferences for creditableoutstanding performance.

- ...like those achieved by German organisationsorganizations .
- German engineering is internationally recognisedrecognized as synonymous ...
- ...I have realisedrealized that slow rate ...
- ...of modernisationmodernization and...
- ...Dortmund will enables me to improve...

I must say, your application essay is not that strong, I feel like it lacks the elements of a good admission essay. I suggest adding a few more sentences on what you mentioned as achievements and awards, also, I'm not sure if your just used to British english writing because of your spelling, however be careful with your spelling and make sure that you have your spell checker on all the time.

Undergraduate / Self-introduction essay for scholarship / research and development in Korea [6]

This is the last part, then you will be able to re- write your essay with the remarks and inputs from you EF help.

- ...I have been an active member inof the cheering squad.
- When theDuring my time...
-....I beinga a leader,
- I had met a lot of obstacles.
- The thing thats troubling...
- Since the dance steps has...
- ... the limited stay back time for other practices..
- ...such as arrangearranging the team patterns..
- The most valueable things I learned in...
- Cheerleading also developed my leadership skills.
- ...members to follow me bymy lead and proving..
-... my ability in such as the way..

- I never dream to further my study overseas sinceas it...
- However, this fully-funded scholarship provide...
- ...me a golden opportunity to study atin Korea...
- Once I know aboutwhen I knew about this scholarship,
- I started to search for the information...
- Apart from that, I would also like to make a contribution...
- I am very muchI'm sure that I can contribute extremely...
- ...knowledge after studyinghere ifshould I ambe given the opportunity.

Overall, your essay is quiet tricky, challenging and I must say "Good Job", as English is not your mother tongue, you were still able to come up with a very interesting essay for this scholarship application.

I personally wish you the best of luck.

Undergraduate / Self-introduction essay for scholarship / research and development in Korea [6]

- I had performed well in...
- I scored a straight A's in...

- As a saying goes, "All works and...
- I had hold the post of class monitor( what does a "class monitor" do) for
- I hadwas also involved myself in many...
- ...we had held a lot of activities...
- ...will never be teachtaught within four corners of the classroom.
- ...camp makes me a disciplined and...

Following the remarks I made, I hope you will be able to follow thru.
There's a lot of improvement in the later part of your essay, specially when it comes to grammar and sentence construction and this is very good.

I will try to do the last few parts of the essay as soon as I can.

Scholarship / When I turned sixteen, my freedom has ended. Questbridge 'experience' essay [3]

- Leading up to my sixteenth birthday,
- When I got the call that I had receivedwill have an interview...
- ...catalyst forof my first existentialexisting crisis.
- My self-confidence on a scale fromof one to ten...
- ...wisdom which havehad stuck with me ever since.
- ...but it was that I was allowing myself to think itof the terms of weaknesses.

Weakness is our way of saying that we are human, bound to have difficulties, challenges and strategies to succeed in life. So, never be afraid to tell anyone about your weaknesses, it's a testament to who we are and how we try to become better everyday.

Going back to your essay, I must say it's a good and written with the hope of letting every reader know that you are ready to take on the challenge towards the next step.

Undergraduate / Special Education, Campus - Essay Review for UCF Admission Essay [3]

- It's the afternoon before the first day of school-,
- mythe first day of my senior year,
- my last year of high school, and my last year at...
- ..I've been in six academic ( it will help to state that its an academic related) clubs,
- won 2nd placeawards at regionals for a club competition,

- ...of reinvention begins isin either middle school...

- I believe that attending UCF will not only allow me to continue developing myself,

Indeed, this is an unfinished admission essay.
I suggest writing more about your accomplishments, the hardships you have to go through to succeed in life if there's any and of course, how do you plan to promote good welfare in the community and within the institution.

Undergraduate / DEFINE RATHER THAN DEFEND [5]

- ...academic calendar when students'( no need for the punctuation mark on the word "students")
- leaders are were to be elected.
- As a senior high school student and the...
- My life was just that plusand much more.
- I was always the Oliver Twist in my year batch.

- I quickly picked up myby school blazer...
-...which is a coat of my colours just like
- that of josephJosephofin the bible.
- ...another guy with the hope ( be careful with your typo ) that he...
- ...in other activity onin the campus and...
- also I was able to set up the iCare Fo undation to cater...

I made a few remarks and I hope this helps in your essay, just a quick reminder, make sure that you remember to capitalize the first letter when writing names such as Joseph. Your punctuation marks and your linking verbs also matter.

Graduate / Motivation letter with research proposal for post graduate in renewable energy , need corrections [4]

Sure @jakkam, I will help you with this addition to your essay.

Original statement: I have conducted a workshop where i was the lead coordinator with 102 participants it was a great success.

As a lead coordinator for a workshop with 102 participants, it was quiet challenging and I'm just proud to say that with proper designation of the tasks at hand and swift communication we were able to pull through a successful workshop.

This is a great addition to your essay, this will not only show the admission officer of your ability to motivate people but also your leadership in taking responsibility of the task presented to you.

We would love to hear from you, do let us know how it goes. The nest of luck to you!!!

Undergraduate / Playing the ball can be compared to a different aspects of life. Basketball - commonapp prompt #1 [3]

- MumMom and Dad use...

- ButHowever, life won't always ...
-In life, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) rules can...
- ...say '" opportunity comes but once'" ( when quoting someone, use the quotation mark) .
- ...routine but jumping couldn'tis not always be the case.
- They would often try a fake onto trick their enemies...

- At times, trying...
- ... you have to encourage you your own discouragement...
- ...forfrom which I might never recover.

Very entertaining!!! I made very minor remarks and I suggest that you consider reading your essay like a reader and not as an author, this will help you proof read your essay and in doing so, you will make it a point to input your missing punctuation marks if there's any and eliminate some if needed.

Overall, it's a very well written and entertaining essay. Good job!!!

Graduate / Motivation letter with research proposal for post graduate in renewable energy , need corrections [4]

- ...think about the issue of the huge potential of wave energy...( when referring to an "issue" it denotes a negative material and this is not what you want to tell your readers when you refer to the huge potential of wave or wind energy)

- ...d uring school days...
- ...I have won a lot of appreciation...
- ...for involvingmy involvement in 7 years of volunteer...

- I graduated as an Electrical Engineer...

- IfG iven a chance to study in the university,
- I will make myself best use of thesure that my contributions will be useful in conjunction with the available resources
- and keep testingchallenging myself,to thepush boundaries...
- ...would help for rural development in many countries.

Your motivation letter is good, however I feel like you can add a few more sentences that will highlight your role as a good influence and driver of the people around you to do good and serve the community for greater welfare.

On behalf of EF, I hope you receive this scholarship to further your education.

Graduate / "Counseling Moves" - Graduate Essay to Pursue a Masters in Counseling [4]

- ...I would aim to help others...
- ...the same ethnic group;The punctuation mark is not necessary ) and need...
- ...if it is not taken cared of correctly.
- ...the major affectseffects ( be careful with your word choice, one wrong word and it will mean a totally different message) that...

-...specific and concise;, they allow me...
- I have taken on extra courses...
- ...work directly with a disabledclient directly that has disabilities .
- I have recently taken on a position...
- that has given me the opportunity to work directly with clients who has autism...

There you have it, minor remarks that will hopefully help out.I must say though that you have to review on linking verbs and your word choice.

Undergraduate / Cars / transportation - Work Hard-Edit my Paper (Apply Texas) [5]

- My parents told me that they wouldn't be disappointed in me if I let go...
- ...of my tutoringtutorial job and that...

- ....burden on top of the emotional stateone on my parents have .
- ...for a new house to be build for my grandparents.

- After some job hunting and applyingapplications , I got...
- I am collectingsaving money...
- to make buyingthe purchase of a car a less..
- ...daunting task for my dad, and...
- being an officer of a volunteering organization...

I made a few remarks, I hope it helps!!!

Undergraduate / Learning from mistakes and a future success - Applying to B.U and NYU [6]

@admission2012, I believe the essay written by @than is just and has given what is asked in the prompt.

The only difference with the essay is that you didn't expect that the story is not as normal as "rags to riches" or a poor boy thriving to succeed in life, the writers story is something very unusual,not only because he comes from a well of family but also because he did try what he think is the best he could and later on presented with a much more fulfilling and rewarding slice of life. He did learn valuable lessons on the process and made sure that he embodies the lessons he learned.

As moderators and contributors we should remain objective and true to the mission of EF, to provide guidance to those who seek help.

Undergraduate / The wind turbine machine and its optimal location; Process Diagram for IELTS Task 1 [3]

- Given are the diagrams that...

- ...generator, and three blades;( the punctuation marks on this phrases is not necessary ) which...

- There are three possible machine locations which all are all dependent...
- ...power whichwere turbines can generate, and...
- In contrastOn the contrary , the machine located...
- ...in domestic areas can only produce 100 kilowatts,
- In between this locations , the unspoiled locationareas can produce...
- ...the moderate amount power of because of the medium strength of wind that it can acquire.

The diagrams are illustrated very well in your essay, however you have to be careful with your grammar and the proper input of the words in your sentences.

Undergraduate / Nature (one's genetic inheritance) affects one's character and behavior more than nurture. [2]

- Every person is born with unique qualities.The characteristics they inherit from there parents.
(I'm not sure how the two sentences above relate to each other, I'm just confused)

- According to meIn my opinion ,
- n( be careful with your typo and spelling errors ) nurturing of a...
- ...child is more important thatthan his/her nature.

- Genetic inheritance basically means that one...
- The people one hang outs withthey hang out with ,
- ..the places one govisits leads be to...
- No matter how good one's parents are or how strong are the genes they inherit, the...
- ...usually turn out to be the better one out of everyone around them, ( don't forget your punctuation marks, this will put stress on your sentences and will greatly help in sending your message across) but the...

- It is possible that when an offspring is born and none of the parents smoke, but...
- ...environment that one stays in...
- Examples proving that nurture builds up a person's character more than nature, lies in history, literature ...
- My neighbors have a son, both of them are brilliant doctors but...
- ...they are always away on some work issues and...

I must say that you have to work on your punctuation marks, they are minor addition to make your sentence but they will make or break your sentences.

Also, review your grammar rules and the logical order of your sentences.
There's still a lot of improvement and I'm sure practice writing will help you perfect this skill.

Undergraduate / Motivation for becoming an effective teacher in Chile [2]

- ...having a career in economicsdevelopment ,
- ...will giveprovide
- ...me with the experience...
- ...professional opportunities;, learning...
- ...another language does not only allows one...
- ...to form friendships with people all over the world;.
-...students in the developing worldcountries to do the same.
- ...to a studentsin afrom developing countrycountries .
- Furthermore, in a globalized worldspeaking globally the best...
- ...is through the sharing of cultures and languages.

I wish you the best of luck and with your essay, it's good and I hope you don't mind the remarks I made.

Undergraduate / Learning from mistakes and a future success - Applying to B.U and NYU [6]

- ...vast financemonetary empire.
- Let me tell you:, I was born...
- Thai Binh is mostly known...
- ....as an agricultureagricultural city.
- UponOn my seventeenth summer returning home,
- This resulted in me not performing wellto my poor performance ,
- ...his current successful business owner .
- ...I understood that companies will never reach their final goals without working for it .
- Everyone atin a company is important.

Indeed, nothing comes in a silver platter and being served to someone who did nothing, silver platters are served to those who deserve it.
Hard work, a little bit of fun makes life full of magic.

Graduate / Endeavoring to Make a Change - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR SAN DIEGO TRANSFER MSW STUDENT [8]

@jem, first of all, I seek to improve the title of your essay.

- EndeavoringMy endeavor to Make a Change

- I know it will be possible...
- ....and wasis making a change in the world.
- One great example that sparked this interestinterested me was your...

- I envisionsee ( you have used the word "envision" in the other sentence) myself...
- ...seminars based on encouragingempowering men and women...

The remarks above are very minor, I hope you follow thru.
Overall, your essay is good and I wish you the best of luck with your application.

Scholarship / What do clowns, airplanes, and insects have in common? -- Questbridge Biographical Essay [6]

- AndA lthough my list of fears was similar
- ...to a kid next to me,
- ...the bullying that would comecame with it.
- My first major move was in the summer going in to the second grade.

- ...move until I graduated from high school.

Overall, your essay is written well, and hey, this people that bully or make fun of people, they never go far.
Believe it or not, I'm talking from experience, people who laugh not because of something funny but because of bullying or making fun of other people, they are what they were several years ago, they never go far, maybe a stones throw but never far than you can go.

Lesson learned, be positive and be happy with what you have and dream big, work hard!!!

Scholarship / Nothing exceptional about me, I just have a passion for Computer science; KGSP scholarship statement [7]

- The biggest influence fromof my family...
- ...would be from my father who kept inspiring me,
- pushing me from the age of 5, that I had to be a scientist.
- AndT hanks to him I never doubted...
- ...myself that one day I'll reach that point,
- ...if I canso long as I provide myself a right path.

- ...protesting.a nd through this act...
- ...I hadhave to serve back my country .

- I never had the chance tohad the work opportunity
- but I'm aam freelancer at Odesk.

- ....SoT his is me.,n othing exceptional .
- ButHowever, I believe that the passion...

There you have it, I hope the remarks I made helps.

Undergraduate / I am proud of my husband because he is a good, amenable person, educated and truthful man [3]

- I have got5five ( I'd rather have you write the number five than just writing the number itself) family...
- ...and onan oldest sister.
- My father aliveis still alive and...
- I want to describe my husband because.,b ecause...
- He is Persian same aslike me.
- ...good university same aslike UCLA and USC.
- Now, h e is a dentist.
- Three parts ofI like his personality,
- ...I like are responsibilityhis being responsible ,
- Improving knowledge and learning everyday,
-...and his empathy and honesty.

Well, there's actually a lot of work to be done in your essay, I made quiet a lot of corrections to your essay and I hope you follow thru.

I'll get back for the other part of the essay, I hope this helps.

Scholarship / Masters in Public Health, 4 question EXCELLENT ESSAY for financial scholarship [3]

@Izzy, I'd like to tackle the last paragraph of your essay.

Describe your commitment to your area of practice.
- ...which serves as further proof ...
- of my dedication to the health care practice and continualcontinuous education.

- Moreover, I have acquired the professional practicing license which is a clear indication that I have a passion( you don't have to state the obvious) to..

- ...continue practicing health care in the future.

You have such a good heart and a lending hand for everyone, I hope there are more people like you who always aims for greater good and not just personal advancement.Overall, your essay is written well and I must say that you were able to cover all there is that is needed in an application essay. Best of luck and let us know what comes out of this application, we'd love to hear from you.

Essays / APA Research Paper - an informative report on a local state, national or international topic. [3]

@Mike, indeed the topics and articles shown in research tools such as google are mostly opinionated and aimed at entertaining it's readers, they draw readers to the imagination that the writers create.

Your research paper on the other hand, as the paper speaks, it's based on extensive research, fact finding and gathering of pertinent information that will hopefully enlighten readers and spark a movement.

I have a few points that can hopefully guide you;

- choose a topic close to your heart and you will enjoy doing, I suggest social media, modernization or globalization with the use of technology.
- if you choose this topic, know your pros and cons
- gather your facts
- cite examples
- answer the following question
> how does technology, social media in particular, affect our daily life
> how do we deal with it
> how do we value the traditional way of communication and still be able to embrace modernization
> can we keep up with the technology domination?
- close your essay with a little bit of your opinion on how should we balance the advancement of technology and the traditional way of communication and saying "hi" as human beings.

We hope to see your essay here on EF.

Undergraduate / Stanford Short Question (50 word) "What is the most significant challenge that society faces today" [3]

1. - ...anything by oneselfon your own must require...

- ...such as walking or eating necessitaterequires the...

2. - That many cultural cleavages such as the...

- ...reason for their haterage

- which does not only hampers cultural harmony,...

Indeed, this challenges that you mention are quiet logical however I'm not sure if there is a need of focus to this issues specially the 1st one, the 2nd one on the other hand is a challenging issue and an issue that not much writers would want to write.

The questions you made are pressing issues of the society but when you write make sure that you will be objective and remain true to the facts and figures that you will gather.

Essays / United States Naval Academy Personal Statement - how to start? [5]

@Cristina, yes I believe to start with mission statement of the academy will be a great start of your essay.
I'd like to add a few more points for you;

Sample essay:

( write the Naval Academy mission statement) and this is the mission I want to embody and live by. I came from a well respected Military family who makes sure that discipline above all is practiced within and among ourselves. ( then continue this statement talking about your family, their beliefs, the practice and how they influenced and motivate you in taking this path towards the Naval academy)

The body:

The body of the essay should post your willingness to endure the training, the process and the will to conquer the academy and all it's glory.

The conclusion:

The conclusion will be the determining factor of your application, share your insights and what you can contribute to the institution for greater welfare and for the advancement of the academy.

I'm hoping to see your draft here on EF so we can help you further.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - We're All Just Human - Thoughts on equality in less than 650 words [3]

@newengland25, I will work on the last 3 paragraphs as the other EF contributors worked on the first ones.

- As a senior in high school student ,
- ...people will often believe there is nothing I can do myself to change...
- Although they may be partly correct in that I cannot do it by myself ,
- ...they are wrong in saying that I can notcannot do anything at all.

- The ________ is a conference that discusses the importance of building girls'women's confidence...
- I believe that one reason women are not treated equally to men is that,
- ...to show girlswomen of all ages that they are just as capable as any man is .

- Although I understand I cannot convince everyone thatof the...
- After all"after all" is two words) , none of us areis more than anyone else, ...
- ...in that we are all human.

Overall, you have a well written essay, just be careful with your word choice, read a lot, it will help develop your vocabulary and make sure you review the language rules as well.

Undergraduate / Writing became my therapy - Common App essay about challenging an idea or belief. [3]

- In 2007,w riting became my therapy in 2007 .
- ...do wonders for me until they did:, ( your punctuation marks will determine the stress of your sentence, so be careful)

- ...after graduation as external affairs appeared to be my niche.
- I doubted my dream to be writerThe writer dream was doubted because pursuing something based on mere interest couldn't define a career path.

I made a few corrections above and reading thru your essay, I'd like you to go back to the prompt of your essay.
PROMPT: Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?
The essay that you wrote does not reflect at any point of the given prompt, it says a belief, and you dreaming of pursuing an idea to become a writer is a goal and not a belief. I suggest writing a new one and make and ponder on the prompt and what it needs from your essay.

Post it here on EF so we can help you further.

Grammar, Usage / 'career in family medicine..' - help me check this sentence or re-write it [5]

- A few years after beginning my career in family medicine, because of lack of experiences in treating patients with mental illnesses that commonly seen in family practice, I worked as a psychiatric fellow for several years.

I'll try re-phrasing your sentence, I hope this helps;

Due to lack of experience in treating patients with mental illness which is seen in family practice, I worked as a psychiatric aid for several years setting aside my goal to become a family physician in order to gain the expertise needed for my practice.

I believe the only thing that made your sentence tricky is the input and the logical order of the phrases that make up your sentence, this is also influenced with the fact that you have the idea, however you are in doubt if this is the right order of the phrases in your sentence.

I wish you the best of luck in your practice.

Undergraduate / Ambition describes me - UCF Undergraduate Essay Revision/Advice [4]

- I'm ambitious and I set high standards for myself.
- ..but the really great make you believe that you too can become great."

- I believe ambitionbeing ambitious is an important characteristic to obtain.

- ...from that point outonwards .
- One thing I love to do is is( be mindful of your typo's, proof reading helps) volunteer and serve others.
- ...society and or in this case, the schoolinstitution .
- If I wereShould I be accepted into this prestigious university,

It is indeed the right thing to do, giving back to the community, to people and treating yourself with a good education and a humble heart is one of the best thing that can happen to a person. I hope the remarks I made help enhance your essay.

Undergraduate / Self-introduction essay for scholarship / research and development in Korea [6]

@Evelyn, I'll take it a couple of paragraphs at a time so that we can focus.

- My name is Noe, a 19 years old girl from a developing third world country,I'm 19 years of age from Malaysia.
(I'm not confident in saying that Malaysia is a 3rd world developing country, it will not help your application)

- There are four membersof us in my family:, my father, mother,...
- ...is andecoration workerinterior designer while my mother is a house wife.
- ...and will graduate by the end ofin this year end .

- The first language to use offor communication...

Well, not bad for the first two paragraphs, I hope you follow through and I'll get back to you for the next ones.

Undergraduate / Mediocre purchasing power didn't prevent best possible education for me. KGSP Personal statement [4]

- I always had the best studyeducation thanks...

- WithAs sixteen years old, at the beginning of high school,
- ..I could not engageenroll in the university studies..
- because of myI was young age and...

- Adventuring inTaking adventure from different subjects,
- I learned, on my own, the English language on my own and,

- ...present in my daily life and,( no need to put a comma right next to the word "and" because "and" serves as the end of your illustration) along..

- Despite never having been a paid andas a standardized professional,
- because I do not have adue to not having a degree in..

- ...thusthis sharpened my determination...
- ...to learnstudy in Korea as well.
- ...living with the strong influence of Korean culture,

The remarks above are quiet a lot due to the fact that the input of your words in the sentences needs a little bit of work, however there's always a room for improvement and practice writing will help you a lot.

Undergraduate / Working in a real industry gives me experience I need. Study plan for transfer application process. [4]

Sure @Cavin, post it here on EF and we'll be here to help out!!!

Undergraduate / Extracurricular Essay Public Forum Debate {Common App} [3]

- To those people I say...,." probably;" nevertheless,

- ...a stellar current events of education,

- confidence,( no need for a punctuation mark when a phrase is followed by "and") and most of all,

Your essay is well written, as short as it is, it's precise and true to what it's purpose is.
More so, it's an essay that justifies the procedures and the perks that comes whenever you stand on the platform for debates and discussions that matter. On the note of minor remarks, be careful with your punctuation marks and the places you input them, they make the sentence mean more and makes the sentence send it's message across as clear as you'd want it.

Overall, it's a good essay.

Undergraduate / "To be free, one must give up a little part of oneself." Korean undergraduate essay : [4]

- However hard it snowed ,..
-... I didn't look out the window any moreanymore ( this word is written as one) .

- I no longer wanted to be a slave to 'good grades'.a nd while...
- ...with others and be confident inwith my own initiative.

- AfterWhen I came back to Korea,...

- ...I heard in the news that the U.S. Supreme...
- Because( according to the english language rule, you should avoid starting your sentence with the cause of the subject) I knew many...

Good job on your determination and hard work to become better!!!
Remember, there's only one way to move and that is to move up.
Learn new things everyday and improve yourself in every possible way.

Undergraduate / 'immense resource of educational materials' Khan Academy - UC prompt 2. [2]

- In my opinion, trying new things...
- ...could help me will learn more.
- ButHowever, Khan Academy has helped...

- In the anyOn a weekend or holiday,...
- It was an integral part of my daily life, because I think...

- Also, I was also amazed at how thorough...

- I have learned more watching these videos that I could'veof imagined.
- The lessons are taught in a way that keeps me craving to learnlearning more.
- It letThey made me understand...
- ...the importance of persistence, and never give up on myself.
- In the soonnear future,..

Well, as I go through your essay, there's definitely a need for you to practice more and learn a lot of the English language, it's structure and the formation of the sentences according to it's logical order.