Posts by dumi - page 76

dumi

Sep 12, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS ;Clothes are a necessary part of people's lives [5]

For most people, clothing gives usthem protection from the weather

....people refers to them...
For most of us, clothing provides protection from weather. ..or
For most people, clothing provides protection from weather
The

I know people who are really not particular to the clothes they wear

...keepit more general:;
Some people are not bothered about what cloths they wear.

For example it is winter, they will wear anything that could protect them from the cold.

For example, in winter , such people may not be fancied by fasionable einter cloths, but anything that would keep themwarm.

dumi

Sep 12, 2013

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] For me the influence of my friends was more highlighted than impact of the school [17]

Yes... I do understand your feeling. But everybody is not the same dear. I am a person who is careful about other's sentiments but some are more straight forward than me. Some times they do that with good intention of telling their true feelings. So, take things in a positive note so long as such comments are not abusive. I think you are pretty prepared for the task and keep practising with time. I shall provide you with my comments in your futur threads. I was in overseas last 3 weeks and hence couldn't come online often.

Cheers
Dumi

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Today the high sale of popular consumer goods reflex the power of advertising [4]

Good introduction. But it lacks oneessential feature which is the hook. The hook helps you to grab the attention of the reader and keep his attention throuhout your essay. So start your introduction with a catchy hook and the move on to discuss the issue as you did with your first sentence. For example;

[i]Advertising is a very poweful tool used in marketing. Many people assume .... ([/i] your first line)
Post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback fotum.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / Essay about the influence of Technology on human thinking - feedback [4]

But I have an advice for you. your writing is very complex, and although you know too much vocab but you do not know how to use them properly

.... this is good advice by marmaria. Pay attention to this point.

Calculation as we know is a paramount and an elemental principle that one
should have to taste success.Calculator is a revolution in the technology
which eased our calculation.Though,it provides a solution to the complex
calculation within a fleet of a second, conversely its addicted use is
decremental in ones basic instinct of calculation.

The word calculation is getting repeated too often. Avoid such repetition.

technologies inventions

technological inventions
[quote=saiwiwo]Children of an age group of 5-10 are the most affected due to the technology.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] For me the influence of my friends was more highlighted than impact of the school [17]

School is a place where a student spends a large part of his time ~~here~~

School is the place where a student spends a large portion of his or her day.

However in the school there are two group of people he has contact with:

.... this can be presented with better clarity if uou change the order;
However, there are two groups of people who come into contact with him or her in the school.

Can't you be more polite and just try to help your friend instead of humiliating? I would be glad not to see any of your comments on my threads

Well.... I think that person has tried to help you with improving your writing. You would have found it a bit impolite, but, since this is an open forum for everybody express their views, you too need to be polite on people who try to help you.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; characteristics motivate to our goals and provoke to develop our self-identity [12]

@pijiuwdw - You are supposedcto provide meaningful comments on others threads to stay active in yhis forum. Otherwise you'll be suspended. So, do not copy the same comment on all threads and next time you would be suspended.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The famous sports professionals profit a lot of money in the field of sport profession [4]

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

I guess this is an Agree / Disagree essay. If so, you need to state your opinion before concluding your introduction.

professionalists income

income of the professionals
Your body paragraphs should dicuss the reasons for your opinion.Also you need to support your reasons with specific examples.
I am a bit confused with your essay structure :(

The famous sports professionals profit a lot of money in the field of sport profession.

The famous sports professionls earn lots money in their respective field of sport.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries [4]

However, I agree with mentioned statement for some reasons.

This essay is not the type of Agree / Disagree. So you do not have state the opinion here.

It seems to be watertight that the growth of magnificent standard of living is likely to be a first cause of fatness for children

This is a simple idea and you present it in a complex way. Try to pay more attention towards clarity and flow of your ideas rather than constructing complicated sentences in view of displaying your vocabulary skills. It is important to show that skill, yet your essay should be interesting for the reader to follow.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; characteristics motivate to our goals and provoke to develop our self-identity [12]

First, your essay needs lots of improvement with its structure. It is not clear what your introducton, body paragraphs and conclusion are. Separate these paragraphas and present a clear and neat essay. Also, post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Friends, I am new member of your site, please help me with the essay. I think it can be put in this topic: "Two people you know" - comparison and contrast Paragraph But it's already too old. Please, check my essay...

@Alyalya - you should open a fresh thread for your essay. Then we can provide you with our feedbacks. Posting essays I other's threads is against forum rules.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / 'Old is Gold' - keeping old friends or making new ones? -TOEFL [2]

When we fall, they boost us to lift up and get the goal and when we actually get our goal

When we fall, they lift us up and keep motivating us until we reach our goal.

Friends are like our co-travelers in our life's journey....

The same idea is getting repeated many times. Avoid repetition because it makes the reader tired.
I think you need to pay attention to the essay structure. Have you been able to finish this on time?

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / {TOEFL} Man or Woman. Shall inherited physical differences be considered in order to [4]

Inherited physical characteristics are naturally the basic things which enable us to differentiate between two persons either it be man or woman

I dont see much logic in this sentence. People are brn with gender difference and accordingly they develop their respective physical characteristics. You need to pay more attention to the first line with what you open your essay because it is the hook that keeps your reader's attention towards your writing.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / Ielts - The Diagram shows the process of using water to produce electricity. [4]

Where is the diagram? You can upload the diagram using "Attach file (s)" feature . It is good to attach diagrams that helps us provide more relevant feedbacks for you. Also, you need to past all your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / Use of computer; Advantages and Disadvantages [3]

Is this essay for IELTS? Better you tell us the prompt :)

Yes, it is always good to tell us the purpose of your wriying because it helps us providing you wiyh feedbacks that more task relevant. Also, please post this type of essays into Writing Feedback forum.

This entire product is the fruit of the IT revolution.

What do you mean by the product?

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Undergraduate / I remembered my decision while seeing my father repairing television STUDY OBJECTIVES [4]

I feel you are there, but wish if you improve its organization and flow. Things seem to be scattered here and there. Get your ideas to flow more logically.

I remember the enthusiasm I had watching my father repairing our television. That was the starting point of my interest in electronics and electricity. This nurtured my desire to know more and more about them and how that could be used to improve our lives. 6

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 Carry guns or not? No for gun carrying! [5]

~~ration~~ratio of crime.

.... the more apporoprite usage is "crime rate"

As one of the powerful weapons for ordinary people, guns are usually used in crimes to threat or kill the victims.

...this line needs to be improved in its presentation; you need to express the idea with more clarity;
Guns are a dangerous weapon that can harm lives of people and can be used to commit various crimes. Therefore allowing ordinary people to carry such dangerous arms can be very destructive to society.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / Teachers should not talk about their personal viewpoints like the social and political ones. [5]

I suggest you to follow the following format for the introduction;
Hook - write a sentence which is relevant to your topic and that can grab reader's attention
Background of the argument - Discuss the significance of the issue
Your opinion - State your opinion

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / Some argue parents should impose strict control on their children [4]

Hi
Seems you are new to EF. There are few admin things I need tomtell you that also help you to earn more relevant feedbacks for your essays. First, mention the purpose of your essay such as whether it us for IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc. together with your topic in the subject field. Then include the prompt in your essay. These would help others to align their comments with task requirements. Last,open this type of essays Iin the Writing Feedback forum.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;The rapid growth of cities in today's world - Positive development? [5]

Well ... your prompt talks about a general situation and it does not refer to a particular city. So, you should not narrow down its scope ( you talk about your city in particular ) and leave it in its real sense.

Also, please post your TOEFL essays into Writing feedback forum.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Undergraduate / I remembered my decision while seeing my father repairing television STUDY OBJECTIVES [4]

but in my country this kind of sport doesn't is so popular

.... this is not grammatically correct
.... but in my country this sortbof sport is not very popular.
I cannot find a connection between this and the rest of your response. I mean I dont understand the purpose of talking about this sport at the beggining and then moving to engineering. There is no reference to the sport therafter.

dumi

Sep 11, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 Carry guns or not? No for gun carrying! [5]

I would argue in this essay that governments should make policy to fobbed their residents purchasing guns, because guns carried by people will become a significant factor to decrease the public security and be harmful to the young generation.

Well, IELTS Task 2 tests your essay writing skills and therefore it is good follow the style of an essay rather than answering the prompt direct. This is the general format I suggest others to follow for your introduction;

Hook - write a sentence which is relevant to your topic and that can grab reader's attention
Background of the argument - Discuss the significance of the issue
Your opinion - State your opinion

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / Shopping has become a favorite pastime among young people. [4]

Nowadays many people go shopping in their leisure time that has turned into preference among youth.

You need to present this idea better. This is what I suggest;
Nowadays many people do shopping as a leisure activity. It is a common phenomenon with today's youth too.
Express what you feel about this trend in the introduction.

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Your job has more effect on your happiness than your living environment does. [11]

Well... this is my suggestion for your introduction;
Hook - a sentence that has relevance to your topic and has the ability to grasp reader's attention.
Background of the prompt - Introduce your prompt and tell the reader why it is important to discuss this argument
Your opinion ; State your position on the argument

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Write a letter to your friend about a public event [3]

It has been long to see you.

It has been along time that we not seen each other.

What's more exciting, According to sales brochures, top five game players in the world will be invited to perform and show their skills

What's more exciting? As per the brochures, the top five game players in the world are invited for this event to perform their talents and skills.

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1: Lonely life by gender profile [5]

Where is the graph? You should have uploaded it using the feature Attach file (s), so that we could have provided yo with more relevant feedbacks.

Also follow this format for this task;
Intoduction
Overview of the graph
Detailed information

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; you have enough money to purchase a house or a business. Which one you buy? [5]

A very good introduction . Good job! :)

... Don't write numbers in essays. Write them with words unless they represent dates.
You write very well and follow the right structure. Have you finished this essay within time? If not, practise more with time.

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / technology and its impact, ability of humans to think for themselves will deteriorate [3]

Hi,
I see you are new to thus fotum , so I have some requests for you.
First, include the purpose ( TOEFL, IELTS, GRE) of your writing in your topic in the subject field when you open a new thread. Second, include the prompt in your essay so that others eould align their comments better with what your prompt requests. These help you earn more relevant and useful comments. Also post these essays into writing feedback forum.

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Ideas about having university education should be available for all or not [4]

Hi,
I have one concern :)
Have you been able yo manage time for this essay? It looks pretty long. If you were able to handle time then it's fine. Otherwise, you need to practise with time because it has a major bearing on your score.

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / The mystery of Angelica /descriptive piece [4]

Angelica was small and delicate.

I feel you should bring this line forward;
Her name was Angelica. She was a small and delcate girl who had beautiful blue eyes and curly blonde hair. Angelica was fair and her cheeks were rosy pink. She had the most beautiful and glowing face in town.

If one would not obey angelica, her face would turn glowing red and her hands would be clenched into fists

If one would not approve what she did, she would be very crossed with her face turning red and hands clenching into fists.

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18 [4]

the loss of moral values are the primary cause of rising destructive crime

Very good, this is very clear. You know, it's important to have clarity in your writing more than anything else. The reader likes to understand what you write without difficulty. Then he'd be amused if your writing contains good presetation. So, don't crowd ypur writing with too many comlicated vocabulary and complex sentences. You can write well and take the advantage of it.

dumi

Sep 7, 2013

Writing Feedback / Notting Hill shows the highest and Fulham is the least in both rental cost and salaries - the table [4]

Hi,
You write well, but I feel you better improve on structure. Iwish you followed this structure for this task;
Introduction -

The given table show charges in weekly rental cost and annual needed salaries in three different suburbs of London

Overview -

In general, of the three locations, Notting Hill shows the highest and Fulham is the least in both rental cost and salaries.

Details-

It is apparently seen that the rental cost in Notting Hill is the most expensive requiring $375 to $738 weekly for one and three bedrooms and with needed salaries $98,500 to $194000 respectively. Fulham area is the cheapest cost of renting a property just cost $600 weekly and 157500 annually needed salaries for three bedrooms. In contrast, Regent's park just remains in the middle of two areas. Although renting a property in this area is quite higher starting $325 for one bedroom to $650 for three bedrooms and therefore you need $85,500 and 170,500 salaries depending on the number of bedrooms required.

Also, please post all IELTS writng tasks into Writing Feedback forum.I moved this from Graduate forum to Writing Feedback.

dumi

Sep 5, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: A letter to the shop manager - 'it is broken' [11]

I am one of the permanent costumers of your shop.

Have a separate paragraph for your introduction in which you introduce yourself and introduce your problem.This is what I suggest;
I am ???????? (Your name) who is a regular client of your shop. Last Monday, ????? (Date), I purchased a hand mixer ( give the model number or some reference of that purchase ) from your shop and soon found out it is not in order.

dumi

Sep 5, 2013

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Your job has more effect on your happiness than your living environment does. [11]

With the development of the economy, people become more and more rich

I dont find this is a very logical hook. Poverty still prevails at its heights not only in the third world, but in certain social segments of rich countries too. Also this does not have a significant relevance to your tpic. Try to keep your wriying more alligned with your topic.

dumi

Sep 4, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18 [4]

First, I'd like to suggest you to include the topic of your essay. Then we can align the response better with the task.

Nowadays, violent crime is on the increase very faster rate among teens

Nowadays, rate of violent crimes comitted by young teenages is on the increase.

The cause of rising uncontrolled crime crops up due to the lack of preferential treatment among the children

....this is a confusing sentebce. You can present this idea in a more simpler manner.

dumi

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS letter ; Changing the booking of travel abroad [3]

have booked a trip to Switzerland for me and my spouse, scheduled for September 15, 2013. I regret my inability to depart on scheduled date.

I think it is good if you introduced your booking in the introduction itself. Then they get a better idea about your booking;
This is with reference to my booking, ( give the booking reference) for the trip to London on the ???????? ?
Then express your inability to making it.
Kindly , have a meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a new thread so that you can earn more comments and feedbacks for your essays.

dumi

Sep 3, 2013

Writing Feedback / Should we learn about the country & the cultures and lifestyles to learn a language? [7]

Language plays an important role

Tellimportant role of what!

Language plays an important role as it is the only way of communicating channel among people

....actually, language is not the only way for expressing ourselves. People talk through gestures, rather body language. However, it is best communication channel;
Language plays an important role of communication and itis the best way to express our thoghts and fellings in more detail and precise manner.

dumi

Sep 2, 2013

Writing Feedback / 【TOEFL】 Young people now are more willing to help others than those in the past [4]

Whether young people now are more willing to help others is widely discussed.

Start with a better hook that gives the reader a punch and grab his attention.Then go onto explain the issue and finally statevyour opinion.

In sum

To sum up

This task has a bearing on time. Have you been able to finish withinthat time?

dumi

Sep 2, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Popular advertisement makes people to buy various goods [4]

I'm going to suggest you a structure for your introduction.
Hook - The statement that can grab reader's attention.

Advertising is a very convenient way for both customers and producers because it deals a way of purchasing and selling between them

... this is fine for that purpose
Background - Intoduce the argument; e.g. However, some people believe that high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of the advertising and not their real needs.

Your View - Express your position

in my opinion, the way of advertising mentioned seems to true while not having the real needs.

...this is it

dumi

Sep 2, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Too much exercise is bad for one's health [4]

Growing concern is now expressed over that having heavy training adversely affects people's health.

... I wish you changed the order of this sentence in order to make it sound cleare. Also start with a good hook. This is what I suggest;

Excerises play an important role in achieving physical fitness. However, there is a growing cocern that doing them excessively may adversely affect one's health.

dumi

Aug 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / IELTS-technology will completely teacher in classroom. Do you agree or disagree? [3]

Nowadays, technology can be seen at anywhere in the world.

Nowadays, technology is presented in everything and everywhere.

Classroom is not an exceptional place

Classroom is not an exception.

Analyzing financial benefit as well as student's convenience will show this

I feel you should take this line off. It's better you finish your introduction with expressing your position.
Please post IELTS essays into WRiting feedback forum.

dumi

Aug 31, 2013

Writing Feedback / Reasons for overweight children in developed countries... [4]

In recent years, obesity in children in developed countries has become a hot issue ~~all over the world~~

.... you mentionedthis is an issue in developed countries, so the latter part sounds redundant.
I

careless attitude of parents towards their kids' health

I agree with 2 ideas and ~~I will present more details in this essay~~ .

.... stop at expressing your position on the issue. Rest is understood and therefore not necessary to reiterate.

..is my essay suitable for the question? please help me!

I can say that you write very well. If you can handle time then you are through.