Grammar, Usage / "Is" or "of?" "That of" - usage [7]

One tip for strong writing is to avoid the passive voice. And example of the passive voice is, "Much pride is taken..."
It sounds better sometimes to say, "I take much pride in..." (i.e. this is the active voice.)
Google around about it.

My greatest pride comes from my experience as a soldier. ---This is okay.
The greatest pride of the country is inspired by the actions of the soldiers. ---This is okay.

My greatest pride is taken in the fact that I served my country as a soldier. ----This is okay, but it sounds weird.

We write: "I take pride in... " and it is a common but quirky use of the words "take" and "pride." So you can do this:

I take my greatest pride in my accomplishments as a soldier.

Book Reports / Finding the thesis in magpies by Thomas King [2]

I'm not familiar with the book, but that doesn't matter. I want to tell you how to find the thesis. The thesis is the message being conveyed by an article or book. That's really what it is. The writer has a message that is important enough to "expound" in a whole book or article. So... a whole book may have just one message, but that message is carefully conveyed with examples and explanations over the course of many pages.

Fiction and nonfiction can both send a message. And when you write, you should have a particular message in mind. What's the message that is important enough to write an essay or article about?

If you have trouble understanding the message of the book, it might be too tough for you. If that is the case, google this: thomas king, magpies, review

If you google that, you'll see articles other people wrote about it. They will explain the main message for you. They'll give your answer to you, but then you can go back and really enjoy reading King's work because you are aware of the message. I always use a review or article critique if I need to quickly find out the theme or thesis...

:-)

Research Papers / (drug testing) finding academic resources and forming a thesis for my research paper [2]

Yeah, you need peer reviewed professional journals. I like questia, but you have to pay about $20 for a month of access...
You can also use google scholar. The idea is to get articles from a database of professional journal articles.

About the thesis: You CANNOT think of a thesis until you extract the main idea from each article. Come up with a thesis statement last... after having your outlook enriched by the inspired message of each article's author.

Start by looking on a database like Jstr or Questia, and then REALLY enjoy the meaningfulness of one article. Start with one article, and the alchemy begins. :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - In general, people live longer now. Why? [4]

Every year we are aware that life expectancy increases, so it shows that people live longer than before.

The advent of new devices and developments in sciences help people live longer than they did in the past.

Every day scientists find new medicines, or new methods for treat illnesses. --I just tuned ever day into 2 words.

Some diseases in the past seemed to be very hard to diagnose and remedy, but today doctors can diagnose and cure diseases in less than hours.

In the past, for instance, it took many weeks to...

All in all, people live longer because they have more knowledge of how to live healthy, new machinery do hard tasks for us.

Practice typing these sentences over and over again.Practice at least 10 times each, so you learn the correct grammar habits.

Undergraduate / 'Its all worth it' - significant risk, drama [3]


I think right here you use too many words. Maybe condense it like this:
Actually, it was our second; I just really wanted to forget about the first one.----I think this way is great. The reader does not need everything explained in detail. Readers like to figure things out on their own.

I think you need an imagery word in that first paragraph, and give a noun that makes readers really see something. Add the good word anywhere. Give the reader something to see in that paragraph.


Yeah, don't try to teach a pig to sing; it frustrates you and annoys the pig. But who is "they," exactly? I know wo you mean in general, but give the reader something to see.

Your writing style is great, but add imagery. You can take your writing to the next level by thinking of a painter splashing pain onto a canvas. A short letter, essay, blog post, etc only has room for 2 or 3 images that really stain the reader's mind. Splash an image onto the reader's mind. : )

Undergraduate / 'a very strong interest in the Law' - College of Arts and Sciences [2]


I don't like this way of starting. It is a cliche that so many students use! And it is not interesting. But if you cut that sentence and begin the essay with the second sentence it will be great.


Let's get rid of this sort of thing. Give a discussion of the issues being discussed by legal scholars today. It's time to read the journal articles. Search google for this: philosophy of law

Read great things, and give a discussion of your understanding of the real issues that are important to legal scholars now, in 2011.
Let the essay be an expression of what you intend to do. : )

Book Reports / Tension between Nature and Civilization in "Blue Winds Dancing" and "The Bear" [2]

Ha, yeah, civilization protects us against nature, but who is going to protect nature against civilization?

One type of conflict a story can have is "human against nature." Yet, environmentalists will tell you that nature needs to be protected against civilization.

So your job is to read passages and also read some analyses of each book -- analyses by other people... and really enjoy it. If you can enjoy the depth of the discussion, you will have an insight come to mind. That's the thing that is worth sharing in the form of a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.

Let's see what you come up with... : )
Google this: how to write paragraph topic sentence.
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single paragraph topic sentence." -- ancient Chinese saying.

Writing Feedback / "Love" - essay on the reflection of the notion/idea of love [3]

The saying 'love makes the world go round' is accurate, in a metaphorical sense. ---Take the comma out.

Some people may disagree, saying that greed or money makes the world go round, but in order to be greedy you have to love something (or at least feel passionately about it) and the most common thing greedy people crave is money, even if it is to buy other things. ----- so you are saying it is desire that makes the world go round. Some people might argue that desire and love are different.

A desire to have more and more might come from fear (i.e. fear of not having enough) so we could say it is fear that makes the world go round! :-)

But maybe love is the opposite of fear.

Films are made about it, books and songs and poems are written,---This is the "passive voice." Google around to see the difference between the active and passive voice. For some reason the active voice makes stronger writing.

Part of the reason why love is so

This is how to make writing more powerful:
As I said, it seems to me that love Love inspires a feeling of belonging, like belonging in...

At the end of the essay, you make it so that love is all about the need for other people. One scientist names Owen Wilson coined the term "biofelia" to refer to the way life forms love to be around other life forms. Anyway, look at this great brainstorm, decide what is the MOST meaningful and important insight you can glean from it, and write an essay about that concept/insight.

One essay = One big idea

Undergraduate / 'Special Topics In Life Science' - Rutgers Transfer Essay [5]

I'm sorry so much time went by before you got any help! I suggest enable instead of allow in that first sentence.
Also, that first sentence does NOT actually say anything. It is not effective, because all it really says is, "Rutgers has a good reputation."

That does not accomplish anything. You need the essay to begin with a sentence that catches the reader's attention by saying something specific... for example, what is the goal you want to achieve? It should not be general; it should be specific. In fact, I think it should also be practical rather than philosophical; be realistic, and focus on a meaningful contribution you want to make by taking specific action and working toward specific goals.

The first paragraph is like a brochure for the school.

I think this might be a good first sentence for the essay:
Allan Bloom, an American philosopher, says that education is the movement from darkness ...

I think it's important to envision your future and ask yourself what specific goals you want to achieve. That way, you can think about what makes Rutgers a better school for someone going after your particular goals. You write very well, but the essay reveals that you do not really have a plan. Or maybe you just did not write this in a way that reflected your plan. : -)

Book Reports / An essay outline on the Enlightenment? [2]

Hey, welcome to EF, Amanda. :-) All you need right now is 1 idea.
Come up with 1 idea about the tension between these two approaches to knowledge. Which do you think it superior? Should people use reason, or should they conform to tradition?

After you start thinking about that, go back to one of the readings. Choose one you like. You use google to search for: [NAME OF READING], analysis

If you look for an analysis of the reading you'll find articles that tell you about the themes. All you need is to make one cool observation about what ONE of the readings tells you about this question of reason vs tradition.

It only seems hard because you are thinking about it all at once. Examine one of the readings to find a hidden message or theme, a subtle demonstration through the actions of the characters, about this question of tradition vs reason.

: )

Writing Feedback / "Buddhism is gradually disappearing" - Buddhism in India [3]

A long time ago, Buddhism has long been ...
It's not good to write it this way. This would be grammatically correct:
A long time ago, Buddhism had already long been... --------I used "had" instead.

The word "basically" does not belong here.. or anywhere really. It is one of those terrible words that takes the power out of what you say.

That sentence with the word basically does not actually say anything about Buddhism except the name of the prince who became the Buddha.

You should use PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES. The first sentence of a paragraph expresses an idea that is the main idea of the paragraph. But look at this:

Buddhism was born for long time ago in the India. The objective of Buddhism is Nirvana.
These 2 sentences are unrelated. So... make sure each paragraph has one main idea, and that idea should be expressed in the topic sentence at the beginning of the paragraph.

: )

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, what benefits do skyscrapers bring? [5]

I'll make some grammar corrections:
As populations grow and cities become more crowded, there is pressure throughout the world to build ever taller buildings to provide accommodation and offices.

^Nowadays by developing technology in diverse fields, experts are trying to overcome the problems that the increasing of the population has made. For instance, civil engineers are using various methods to provide convenient housing, and a majority of civil engineers attend to this goal by participating in the constructing of tall buildings (skyscrapers). Some people find that living in skyscrapers has some problems, such as small rooms in contrast to the rooms of normal houses, restriction in coming and going since it would make some noise that probably would be annoying to neighboures and so on, so they are against the idea of living in such building.

:-)

Graduate / 'highly ranked for Mechanical Engineering studies' - SOP For M.Sc. in penn. state [4]

Great ideas, here, my friend...
It is impressive that you are being a bit specific about the contributions you want to make. Many candidates are not very specific at all, and they have no plan. Make a plan, and you have an advantage.

The next principle you should apply is brevity. Look at how much better this is:
A myriad of challenges faced by our environment as a result of various discoveries in science and technology calls for rapid intervention and scrupulous researches in order to avert the imminent catastrophe that could emanate from these discoveries.

Environmental challenges call for rapid intervention, and I want to be part of the scrupulous research efforts that can avert the imminent catastrophe. For example, the discovery of oil has brought about economic booms for various countries, and this has affected the world at large.

***I don't think you need to focus on the fact that "discovery" is linked to the problems. And do not state the obvious... do not talk too much about the harms of greenhouse gases, etc., because everyone already knows about the greenhouse effect.

The serene and conducive environment of the university offers a relaxed mind and psychological stability for learning and research. Finally, Pennsylvania State University is highly ranked for Mechanical Engineering studies among other institutions. I think you should not talk about the brochure, and you should not talk about the rank of the school. They know about this stuff. It is great if you talk about a book or article written by one of the professors.

Assert = saying something. In that last sentence, you should use the word affirm instead, because it fits the sentence a little better.
:-)
Great job, you are impressive!

Poetry / Down the canal in "Venice" - Poem. [4]

I think it's great that you used the past verb tense. I would have used the present tense, but it would not have been as good that way. The past tense makes the metaphor even subtler, because it makes it seem like you are telling a story about an encounter with this girl.

I don't like the line that says "of the balls." But I like everything else about this. If I was going to suggest a change it would be to change that line.

I especially like "Wrapped in a breeze of blood hues" ... I like the sound of it, but I don't understand a breeze of hues. I like the idea of something being wrapped in a breeze, but my mind trips over the idea of a breeze of hues.

Anyway, I like this poem, and I'm glad you found EssayForum.

Writing Feedback / Informal learning and childrean teaching [2]

Hell there, what is this all about?
The first two sentences are good, and in this one I would make a small change:
Informal learning may be facilitated by a teacher occupying either a transient or ongoing role, such as a family member, or by anyone with knowledge or skills in the wider community setting...-----I just made 2 small changes to improve the clarity.

But these statements are "statements of the obvious."
What is the purpose of your writing? Are you trying to practice English as a second language?
Welcome to EssayForum.

Research Papers / Islamic Banking - need a relevant topic [5]

Hi Aisha, what got you interested in this? I don't know as much about Islamic banking as you know, because it's not my area of interest. But I bet you could recommend some great articles.

So... what is the most important article you have read about this topic? What problem does it help to solve? If you have something worth writing, it is because you noticed a problem and you want to do some reading to help come up with a solution. So... when you are trying to "think of a topic" it is like trying to think of something to say when you join a conversation some people are having.

If you don't know what to say, you should read three articles this evening and really enjoy diving into this field of study.

Letters / 'to carry out independent research' -Motivation Letter for School of Computer Science [2]


This does not say anything. I'll tell you the same thing I just told someone else ... the main idea of the essay must be a specific idea.

You need a specific plan to help solve a particular problem. So what problem do you want to solve in this world?
I think you will agree that a reader is MOST inspired by a student who designs her or his education based on a strong desire to help solve a particular problem in this world.

An empty phrase like the one above should not be in the essay.


Not a goal... a goal is inspirational to the reader if it is the goal of solving a real problem, some problem to which we all can relate.

Do you see what I mean? Get focused on a practical plan to solve a real problem, and you will have a winning essay. :-))

Graduate / 'advanced electronic devices' - SOP for PhD application in Chemical Engineering [2]


Avoid the word "got." Use gained or developed, etc.

Also, this material. above is NOT effective. But don't worry, I'll tell you the secret. You MUST come up with a plan. It's fun. Do it now. Ask yourself what is important to you.. what issue can you help to resolve, what important issue? You can use the skill you are gaining and make a contribution to solving a particular problem.

If you read a few recent articles, you will know about the problems YOU are best suited to conquer.

Making notable contributions It is an empty phrase. WHAT problem, specifically, will you be attacking?

:-)

to be a chief scientist with an expertise in chemical engineering, especially in advanced electronic devices and nanotechnology Not a goal.
If you want to inspire the reader, choose a real problem to solve.

Essays / How to write an exciting monologue [21]

Oh, I think you could make this funny... you could include a few little phrases he is famous for saying. You can find a lot of ideas brainyquote/quotes/authors/e/elvis_presley.html

Now, how do you make a monologue? You should look at an example taught in class. Have you looked at Shakespearean monologues? Probably...
So under what circumstances might Elvis be doing a monologue? Maybe he is stressed out about some event in his life. So he is talking to himself.

Writing Feedback / Work/Money impact of Jobs on life [5]

Every time you contact EF to complain about my advice, I am going to come back here and make fun of you some more.

You should take some responsibility for your essay or at least respond to my ideas so that we can have DISCOURSE.

If you do not know what an astute observation is, google it. It is the opposite of the observations you are making here. When Thoreau wrote "Civil Disobedience," it was because he had made an observation that was worth writing an essay about. Can you make an observation about job experience that goes beyond what is obvious? If someone reads this essay they might say, "Okay, but tell me something I don't already know."

So dig a little deeper, and before you start to write you can make one unique observation that is not obvious.

Writing Feedback / Work/Money impact of Jobs on life [5]

I got a message that you were not satisfied with the advice I gave you!
Do you have time to reply and give me your thoughts about my suggestion above?

My most important advice for you is that you should write sentences that are not so obvious. Your English is quite good, so I hope you'll trim away the "statements of the obvious." In my opinion, a whole essay can be ruined by even 1 statement of the obvious. It is better to say less instead of more.

We write essays because we have an important idea to share. So... do not tell people anything they already know. You must make sure you are sharing observations that the reader may not have already made.

Writing Feedback / Work/Money impact of Jobs on life [5]


Hi Kory, this phrase is unclear: "When one applies to anything..." I know what you mean, but it could be clearer.
Whenever one applies for an employment opportunity, one question always...

Due to this one can only conclude that job experience is important. It "goes without saying," so don't say it.

Not only is a having a job at a young age good for learning time management, but it is also...

This attribution attribute of diligence (rather than laziness) is very beneficial to have at a young age.---I made a small change here.

Okay, this essay has great structure, but much of it is obvious. I think we all know and agree about many of the benefits you described. So... whenever some idea "goes without saying," you do not have to say it. When you state the obvious, people stop paying attention. So... I suggest cutting out many obvious sentences and replacing them with astute observations. :-)

Undergraduate / "Parking! Parking!" - A Thrilling experience I had ever met [3]


Excellent, Jurie, I think you gave great advice here.

"Parking! Parking! '' A man whom was driving a car with us side-by-side. He was rolling down the window and waving hand to us.

This scene appeared on a highway.

Our family drove was driving to visit my grandparents. It was too dark, and there were few cars running on the highway.

Reading this, you probably feel confused about why a man was yelling at us to park.

What happen when we were parking? I'll tell you the truth.

I almost felt the shiver in his voice. --------Brilliant idea!!

Obviously we were afraid of bad things had happened. In the car, we were silent.

It was a real experience that occurred recently in my life.

Really, Really, No kidding! That was the most thrilling experience I had ever had. met . Be careful when you are on the highway.

I made lots of corrections, and I hope you will practice EVERY sentence above 10 times. Type every sentence 10 times, and speak every sentence aloud. This way, you will learn the correct grammar. I can tell you are a great storyteller, and if you want to master English you can do it.

Graduate / "The fight within" Motivation letter for Masters in Mechanical engineering [2]


This material is too obvious. Anyone can say, "The program will prepare me..." and "achieving highest quality is not possible without knowledge.."... Anyone can say this, so it is not interesting. Do you know what I mean?

This part is much more meaningful and specific:
I loved studying Thermodynamics, Heat-Transfer, Fluid Mechanics and Thermal-Engineering the most during undergraduate study. I secured first position in pan-India recruitment examination conducted by TVS Motor where my work was largely limited to management of workforce, time and material. Working within tight deadlines in conformation with industry standards ...give me an opportunity to learn the intricate details of Turbo-machinery and Aeromechanics which I plan to apply in the development of new Green Technologies in Himalayas.---All of this is very good, so I prefer the second essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-The best way to relax is by exercises. [11]

Great corrections here. And I see the self-correction in the second post; Wang, I think you'll have perfect English very soon!

Here is another error I noticed:
It is not surprised that exercise play
Learn to use this phrase: "It is no surprise that..."

For example, I can say:
It is no surprise that you are improving your writing skill, because you practice so much.

And now do this:

It is no surprise that exercise plays a crucial role in ameliorating physical health.

Writing Feedback / my GRE argument of "investment in company of heating oil" [5]

In that situation, I always use "she" instead of "he." I am trying to make up for centuries of overuse of the male pronoun! : )

So, when in doubt, use 'she.'

You can also write "she or he"...

Also:
...that new inhabitants moving to the new houses will continue using heating oil, and that none of no other factors affect the company's profits. ---I think this helps improve the quality of the sentence. Less it more. : )

Research Papers / Grade 9 History essay on Sudan, the newest state in the world [3]

... were predominantly Arab and Muslim, whereas the people of the South were more African and Christian. ---whereas, 1 word.

The differences of their tribes and ethic groups has have led to...

...and mass murdering murder that is are STILL still going on in Sudan today.---Don't use caps for emphasis in formal writing. Use italics if possible.

The president was charged of many accounts with many crimes including Genocide:

The conflict between the Arabs and the Africans conflict can be traced ... great essay here, I just made some small grammar fixes.

:-) I think you should add a thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph. At the end of the first paragraph it is great to give a sentence that expresses the main idea of the essay.

Undergraduate / "Army Brat" - UNC- Chapel Hill Common App./ Influential person [5]


God correction here! At the beginning of a sentence (as the subject of the sentence) it is good to say "My brother and I" but at the end of the sentence (as the "object" of the sentence) it should have "me."

Ha, I like this sentence: In the end, things like bathing suits and ice cream would always make me feel better again.

You can use " " marks or italics here:
I didn't take her seriously until the last day, thinking, How could she possibly leave me and my brother with my dad?

She had to fulfill her oath and her duties in the Military military.

... be called an "army brat." no need to capitalize.

...helped other "army brats" to be proud and to never fear, because we are some of the strongest kids on this planet!---I think you're probably right. This essay is very cool, congratulations on being a great writer.

Grammar, Usage / "Furthermore, stating..." - Fragment Sentence? [5]


Ha ha! Good point here...

The semi-colon should be used between 2 phrases that could be complete sentences on their own.
However, some writers use semi-colons in nonstandard ways, and I suppose that is okay in writing-for-art but not in writing-for-good-grades.

So... google this: correct use of semi-colon

Sullivan points out that every individual should have the right to marry, including homosexuals; he affirms the unalienable rights of gays.
When you use a semi-colon correctly, it can do the same thing a period does:
Sullivan points out that every individual should have the right to marry, including homosexuals. He affirms the unalienable rights of gays.

That is what Sanjana was explaining. :^)

Writing Feedback / Nation's well being with a Gross National Happiness Index [4]

Research has shown that purchasing new items has no correlation to achieving happiness as the joy from buying something is only a fleeting moment.-------I don't think you can say "correlation to" this way. I think it should say "correlation with" instead. Also, WHAT research studies are you talking about? You cannot just say that research shows something without citing the study you are talking about. :^)

Humans' desire to have and purchase is in fact limitless and has no foreseeable limit. material things is in fact limitless.

In a nutshell, what we choose to do determines our happiness.----Do you see the small change I made? Look for the change, and you will improve your grammar! : -)

As we are venturing in the murky landscape of adulthood, the choice is ours whether we want to just go along with life or overcome every obstacle, arrow and stone that life throws at us and change it to achieve our happiness instead.-----every obstacle, stone, and arrow (use the singular nouns with the word "every")

Undergraduate / 'determination, experience, and commitment to succeed' - physician assistant school [3]


I don't think this sounds right. You should omit the last 4 words. The x-ray did not confirm that it happened during a baseball game. : )

The orthopedic physician assistant (PA) came to eye level with the patient as he engaged the boy, engaging him in a conversation about the Red Sox and Yankees to distract him from the trauma. ---I made it more efficient.

...and yearning for answers drove me to Google it to learn more. Needless to say, I was fixed. It was the ideal situation: I could fulfill my passion of being in healthcare, take part in a growing specialty, have ...-----Again, I took out some words that I think weigh the sentence down. And I don't like to have "googled it" in there, because I think you should do much more than google it. Googling something is not significant enough to include in the essay.

My position in the Emergency Department at Children's Hospital Boston exposed me to a wide array of conditions: near drowning, onset diabetes, encephalitis, lacerations, psychiatric evaluations, suicidal ideation, sexual assault, and the list goes on. This job has taught me to remain alert, quick-thinking, and differences in communication between pediatric and adult patients. I walked away from these interactions hoping that someday, I too have the opportunity ...----I like this part!

Okay, I like this essay a lot. I think you did a great job, and probably any reader will know you are serious about healthcare. I think you should cite a few recent articles that interest you, and show that you are already reading the books and medical journal articles used by medical professionals. That will give you an advantage.

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

Hello friend, I think when people ask for topics to be suggested they are proceeding the wrong way. First of all, it is easy to just google this: HRM research topics, list

If you google that, you will get a lot of topics!

But I think the best way is to ENJOY your reading. Just read some research articles that interest you. Make sure they are recent. Read recent articles, and it will be easy to notice the MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES TODAY. What are the most important HRM issues? I think you should wait until you find an article that fascinates you, and that might give you the GREAT IDEA you need for your own original research.

Undergraduate / 'Students Against Global Warming, HIVE & community clubs' contributions to my school [5]

You have a good storytelling style, Jagmeet.

Maybe you'll look at Rebecca's corrections and get some great idea -- some great sentence will come to mind, and it will express the most important idea of the essay. When you look again at the words you wrote, you might suddenly realize! You might suddenly realize the sentence that perfectly expresses the most important idea of the essay. That's what it's all about. When you write, you try to dig up the sentence with that Most Important Idea.

I hope you got a lot of inspiration from Rebecca's edit. Go to the Unanswered list if you have time to help some other writers mash around their ideas. :^)

Essays / Thesis Statement on a History Essay [5]

It's easy! You can start by typing one sentence about him.

It can be any sentence. Just type a sentence about Zenger, and it will be the main idea for a paragraph.

You just have to do that a few times until you have several great ideas about him, and when you mix them together you'll get a lot of new ideas. It's Idea Alchemy. And as you mash them together, you'll come to some conclusion -- some big observation.

If you mash enough ideas together, you will come up with that big observation, your thesis.

Book Reports / Book Report on Andrew Gordon's Postwar Japan As History [2]


I know what you mean, it's okay! This sort of thing can SEEM difficult, but it is not.

You are being asked, "What is the book about?" But if a whole book is necessary for explaining the message, it sure is a tough challenge to express that message in a single thesis statement.

But when you look at a review online, you get the answer right away. Google this: review, gordon, postwar japan as history

Look at a review, and meditate on the key words in the introduction. Look at what the 3 themes are that I see mentioned in some review.

You are going to need to get very good at succinctly expressing the message of an article or book. You can always find it in the introduction!

Dissertations / Need help on security issues on cloud computing research topic [25]

I think you should google this:
Data Mining applied to Pollution

That will get you started. However, the important thing for grad students to do is use ONLY professional journal articles and books written by authorities in the field. Start by reading the abstract of an article. How do you find the best article? Search a database of professional articles, like EBSCO or JSTR.

Search for "data mining" with the word pollution. The articles you find will be what you need. I hope you can find one from 2010 or 2011 with a literature review. If you look at a recent literature review you can see a LOT of the recent work that has been done.

When you see what other people have written recently about data mining applied to pollution, you will not feel lost anymore. It is just like joining a conversation among friends.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE essay-preserving the wilderness [3]

Hey, I found a grammar error:
The consequences of this trend is heinous therefore appropriate steps must be taken to prevent them.

Air pollution is increasing due to the scarcity of trees.---This sentence is not worded very well. The scarcity does not cause the pollution; it causes a situation where the greenhouse gases stay up in the atmosphere. I know what you mean, but this should be reworded. Also, you do not have to spend this paragraph talking about how photosynthesis works; it is sufficient to point out that the trees are important for getting carbon back under the earth. :-) But I don't think you need to explain the process.

Humans are short-sighted beings.---Yep. :-)

You should spend a paragraph to talk about why your argument is more important than the counter argument. What would be the counter argument? Some people would say more deforestation is acceptable because of economic hardships faced by nations, etc., and so you should make an argument to show that EVEN THOUGH there is economic difficulty we still should preserve the forests.

This is pretty great!!

Undergraduate / 'from arrogant skeptic into humbled believer' event, experience or accomplishment- UF [4]

Run on sentence:
I'll be honest I don't have a ...

I don't have a story about how I changed the world or something that is going to set me that much apart from the other 60,000 kids who are going to apply this year. All I can offer is the event that made me who I am today. This event defines determined who I am in a way nothing else ever could, the single most important decision I ever made.----I streamlined a little here.

The funny thing is that this event was not unique to me. Billions have experienced it and yet for those who have there is no doubt of its significance and uniqueness to each person. The event I am describing is my transformation from the selfish self centered person I was and the servant in Christ I have now become. ------I like this part! I like "Billions have experienced it..." That has great rhythm.

I guess I would like to suggest that the essay start right here:
Billions have experienced it, but...-----------------------Wouldn't this be an intriguing start to the essay? These are the first "magic words" of the essay, te words that really CATCH the reader.

And while if I were you would never have accepted the old me I can...It's stuff like this Rajiv must have been noticing when he said the writing has a nice flow. This is very good.

Okay, I do suggest starting with "Billions" and trimming away what preceded it. Also, I suggest Berdyaev. Dream and reality: An essay in autobiography.

Book Reports / Catcher in the Rye:how childhood events of Holden and Ruth impacted their personality [2]

Wow, attestation... I guess that means the same as testament. thanks for introducing a new word to me!

I think that long sentence in the first paragraph should be preceded by a short, simple, powerful sentence. That'll get the reader paying attention. :-)

One important event that both Holden and Ruth experience is the death of a loved one.----I think you should change the word IMPORTANT to something else. Saying it was important does not say much. You can say WHY it was an important event, and that will make the opening sentence to this paragraph stronger, because it will be more specific.

You don't need the word THAT in situations like this:
Holden mentions, that "...[his] parents would have

Ruth's observations of the hurtful effects of her parents' racist attitudes lead her to be accepting and forgiving when she becomes an to become an accepting and forgiving adult.---efficiency

You write very well! Not much room for criticism...

Writing Feedback / Explore some of the aspects or even a single aspect of "identity". [5]

I think you should always kill "I believe"...

What I believe most is that p
Parents should have a small amount of impact on identity. It is wrong for...----See how much more powerful it is with only the few words? Some words are big and useless, taking up space without contributing power to the sentence.

apostrophe!---> one's parents to decide the future of their child her future. ----simplicity is powerful.

This causes confusion in the child and guilt for the child. that they don't have to deal with.

I believe that
Education is just a tiny factor that is impacted by parents. ---Look again! that is the theme for today.. Kill the words "I believe" and you always improve the sentence. :-)

I like the way you use rhythmic sentences, and you vary the length and structure of the sentences. Very cool.

Thanks for all the help you have been giving people here lately! :-)

Sometimes you just have to go on with life the way you want to live it, and just see where it takes you.---too simple. I think you can end it with something a littl emore complex.. a little more meaningful. It is good to go with the flow, but everyone already thinks they understand that. So give a sentence that contains some words that make a person think in a new way... what is it that you have figured out and want to share?