Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY- Graphic describing; Differences of an island [7]

Where are the maps? You can upload them using "attach file" option. Make sure that you have the images with your writing because then only we can provide you with more relevant feed backs.


... differences in what terms? You need to introduce them.


...."nobody" is a better word.


.... Island means a mass of land covered by the sea and therefore this sentence is not meaningful. Is it something else you try to mean?


After construction of new facilities, the island has become highly populated.

Undergraduate / I've dreamed of working in the medical field and caring for people [5]


Ever since I was in the sixth grade, I dreamed of a career in medicine and caring sick people..


Finally I found my destination at Nursing.


She too was a registered nurse and passed away in January 2012.
Make sure you give us the prompt in your post. This helps you earn more relevant comments for your response and we also can check whether you have answer is aligned with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; 'benefits of technology' What older people can learn from young people? [3]


.... Wish you broke this up to two sentences;
With the advent of new technologies, our generation has become fast paced and advanced in every aspect of life. This has been instrumental in creating a vast generation gap between us and our parents.


I'm afraid that "apprentice" is not the most appropriate word here. Do not use key words that you are not very confident with their usage. They may look odd and deliver very different meanings to what you intend to express.


... this is a common mistake that many students make. Your topic is not about generation gap, but simply about whether older people have anything to learn form the youth. So, keep it simply at what your prompt means and do not try to give different interpretations to that. It's important to keep an alignment with your topic.

Undergraduate / Disagreement with the opinion of a fellow participant /CAE - Letter to a newspaper [4]



.... this latter part is very confusing.... the words "whole" and "doubtlessly" make your sentence too crowded and reduce its effect.
The first thing to mention about it is their accommodation which is real good value for money.


.... you need to improve on presenting your ideas. Tell them more direct and clearly. Then your sentences would sound more appealing to read.

Writing Feedback / Learning English through Social Issue - Teen Smoking [3]


....this sounds confusing.... what do you try to say? Is it a common habit in Hong Kong or its de-merits are known to all the people? .... you need to rephrase this line to convey your idea clearly to the reader.


Undoubtedly, there are many demerits linked with this activity.


.... among who? you need to specify.
You have many grammar mistakes here... However, more than grammar, I don't find proper organization of your ideas. Arrange your ideas in a logical sequence first and then start writing.

Scholarship / No community service work course; SCHOLARSHIP/ Proposed study [5]


Among the many courses that are offered to students in Laos, we still don't find any that include any courses in the field of community service work.


However, this has a national importance today due to enhanced need for qualified people in this area. Today this requirement is fulfilled by the foreign experts and the state has to incur heavy costs for hiring them.

Undergraduate / Gryffindor Brave/ Most important characteristic of a person for him to be successful [3]


If a person is not brave enough to take up challenges, he will be far from reaching success.


... this sentence is not grammatically correct,
It tells a story about a boy named Harry Potter.


.... this is very good advice by shadman. Yes, your response goes out of topic. Follow what shadman suggests!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Consumer durables(telephone,refrigerator,etc)owned inBritain [4]


The rate of people using this item fluctuated between 93% to 98% during the period


Refrigerator had been the second most used consumer durable. As per the table this rate had fluctuated between 73% to 94% during the period under review.


In contrast, video had been the least consumed household device in Britain during this period.

Graduate / My greatest strength is my ability to acquire new knowledge;SOP/ Masters-Software Eng [5]


I have a thirst for new knowledge.


Therefore I decided to try something new that I had not learned before for my project in the final year.


.... the word "So" gets repeated too often.
With my supervisor's advice and guidance, I chose Windows Presentation Foundation (WPF) as the technology to be used in my project which was one of the latest technologies by Microsoft at that time. Further, I used WPF and MVVM architecture of application development.

I think you've done a good job. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 1: Imprisonment levels in 5 countries [6]


.... sounds a bit better. Also, it is better to tell the reader what figure the USA records highest;
Out of the five countries, the USA recorded the highest total imprisonment levels for the period under review.
The rest seems to be pretty good, especially in the sections you have given more details. :)

Grammar, Usage / 'Class who is absent..' - Which is more appropriate to say? [14]


Well.... the word "Class" has the same meaning be it used in speaking or writing. By definition it means;
A set or category of things having some property or attribute in common and differentiated from others by kind, type, or quality.
What I meant was, when we speak, we have different usages which sometimes by pass certain rules that we need to obey in writing. For example, if you are a teacher you may address your students like "Good Morning Class!" ... Here you mean everybody in the class. I hope I didn't confuse you any more :D ...LOL

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Libraries should not waste their money on hi-tech media. Agree or disagree? [6]


.... For this task, you need to write an essay with at least 250 words. However, if you aim at a good score, you should not have redundant words. Instead they should add value to your essay.


Your body paragraphs should contain more simplified examples for your reasoning.

Writing Feedback / What's more useful: purchasing a business or a house? [6]


....I removed the first comma
[quote=Mabossani]how to manage and use it in a way that benefits us.[/quote
Well.... in your introduction, you need to introduce your topic which speaks specifically about two choices. However, you keep it at a very general level and do not covey the idea of your tpoic fully.

Writing Feedback / Eaqual number of male & female students in universities [5]


....yes... shinichi75 has a very valid point. It appears that you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL and these tasks expect specific reasons and examples. Have only one reason per body para to support your opinion. Also give one specific example for each of your reason. That wii help you convince your examiner.

Graduate / CASPA Narrative - "hard work, patience, dedication and the enormous compassion" [4]


I come from a family that beleves in hardworking as the key to success.


....this sounds redundand because the same idea is expressed in the previous line. Also, I feel it is not prudent to assign such low % for intelligence and that might work against you. Say it differently;

I too share this family perception and think hardworking contributes 99% towards one's success.

Scholarship / Education will bring a bright future; Personal Statement/ Endeavor Award [2]


When I was six, my father decided to move into a big city in hope of giving us a better life with higher education and health.


He had a strong belief that education is the best means that provides his children a successful future and worked tirelessly amidst many hardships towards his goal. However, only few of us made to the tertiary level due to severe financial constraints at home. Sharing my father's vision, I haven't given my dream of working for an international organization and lead a quality life which is free from the hardships that I encountered during my childhood.

Writing Feedback / Social networks create more harm than good to teenagers. What are your views ? [11]

I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. This essay topic is a common one for such tasks. If so, you need to pay attention to your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / Compare and Contrast: Two kinds of transportation/ DRIVING & FLYING [4]


Many have plans in months advance for the destinations where they want to be, but not everybody knows about how they are going to get there.



... how about comfort? That too matters a lot!



Similarly, flying also would take every penny you saved with high airfares.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Select 3 effective media and write about their effectiveness [3]


....
The media is a "catch-all" term which caters to any type of activity whether it involves current news, entertainment, politics, education etc.


The first reason as to why books are an important is due to the fact that they are one of the oldest and most traditional methods that had been used to transmit knowledge from generations to generations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: International travel brings more benefits than its de-merits [5]



... it should be either;
And more unreachable places are opening their doors to the tourist / And more unreachable places are opening their doors to tourists


... it brings / it is bringing .... here " it brings" is more appropriate


.... I think you better state your opinion, which you have done in the first body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 1: Imprisonment levels in 5 countries [6]


... well, even Canada has high figures and it is only in 1980, the US has a significant difference in imprisonment levels compared to other countries. Since your introductory line needs to give an overall picture about this graphical representation, I think this sentence is not very appropriate and gives a different idea against what you really wanted to say. I guess you wanted to say that the variation levels of the US has outperformed the levels of other countries, but it is not what is conveyed to the reader. I think you need to improve the clarity of this line.

Writing Feedback / "fine for driving through the red signal" - FUNNY STORY [3]


She has just got her driving license.


.... this comes all of a sudden without any connection to the previous line. Better you re-arrange the flow;
My wife Irina was driving me to work that day who has just got her driving license. On our way at one point, she did not notice the red lights that indicated her to stop proceeding and she drove though the intersection.

Graduate / Motivational letter for MSc in Petroleum Engineering [4]


My core spiritual value is to generate value and let the community benefit from it. This is what strengthened my determination to become a petroleum engineer.


Oil and gas industry, without a doubt, is the thrust and the locomotive of state economy.



For this reason I decided to pursue a Master's degree in Petroleum Engineering in order to elevate the level of my knowledge in the field.

Undergraduate / "As long as you keep trying, you'll get it" - "Numbers and Me"/ COMMON TRANSFER APP [4]


That's what my father said to me when I asked him how he managed to be so successful in life with his humble beginnings.


.... sounds a bit repetitive....
And that had been the same answer whenever I asked his advice for realizing my own dream.


... wish you have taken this off... it's the same idea told in many different ways :(

Writing Feedback / RACE! What is race? What does your race mean? [2]


Race! What is Race? What does it mean to you? ... well... the word race has another meaning too (competition between two runners) and therefore, at this point the reader tend to get puzzled as to which meaning he should apply. I feel if you give some clue, even indirectly, for them to pick the appropriate meaning here itself, this opening lines would provide a great start for your essay.



It seems that we are judged by our external appearances such as the color of skin, eyes and hair. .... well....nowadays, it's really difficult to guess one's origins with hair color ....lol :D

Writing Feedback / SOCIETY;children are to be great fellows or not depend on learning and good idol [2]


... This is confusing ... It does not convey your idea properly... You need to re-phrase this to give a clear idea as to what you mean!


.... should instruct what? ... also, "fellows" sound more informal and no one can be perfect... Your prompt speaks of "good members" and it does not mean that children should be "perfect" . What it means is that children should be disciplined enough to be decent and well mannered members in society.

Writing Feedback / World is like a small village and people, especially students, decide to go abroad for study [4]



.... I prefer you say "obvious reasons" instead of "conspicuous aspects"


... Well, they do not find career first hand because they go to study and improve their credentials further. So you better say that they aim at a better exposure in terms of knowledge, skills, and networking opportunities that help them with a prospective future career and a quality life.


To begin with, many students wish to attend foreign universities in hope of acquiring a quality education that would enable them to find a promising career in future.

Writing Feedback / Technological advancement hamper the development of a country's traditional skills? [3]


....this has several issues including grammar and clarty. I think you this is what you are trying to say;
Technology plays a vital role in advancing our quality of life. However, at the same time, it causes extinction of traditional skills of a nation.


...you use this phrase " developng countries" quite often and this gives a different meaning than what you expect.

Undergraduate / My childhood hobby was to make toys with scrap materials; SOP-Autonomous Systems [4]


....
As an eightbyearbold this was my first understaning of automation .


...wish you improve the organization here....it does not flow smoothly;
Since then computers continued to be a close companion of mine while I always had a keen interest in my academic subjects and exploring new technologies.

Essays / While celebrating mother's day i nearly lost my father - it changed my outlook in life [5]


Yes....that sounds very interesting. However, you quickly need to explain the bsckgrund as this opening statement arouses curiosity of the reader and you need to clear their mind in a creatve manner, yet it should be clear and comprehensive. We are awaiting for the full essay! .... ;)

Essays / My father's estate -Descriptive essay/ Need help [7]

Well....it's good if you gave us more details about what you are supposed to write. However, you can briefly introduce this estate go the reader in your intoduction and very briefly mention its significance to your father snd your family. Then move into body paragraphs and discuss each aspect of this estate para by para.

Writing Feedback / MY THOUGHTS ABOUT WRITING HAS NEVER BEEN FUN, FAST OR EASY; Reflective essay [3]

Good writing.... your essay challenges your claim of having no confidence in writing...Lol :D
I too notice the often repetitiveness of the word "write" that distubs the quality of your paper, Here are a few suggestions;


Every time I think about writing , my heart began to spin due to lack of confidence in my own skills.


I still have a lot of work to do to take myself to the level of a great writer.

Letters / HIV infection rate has increased dramatically; Cover Letter - PhD(HIV) in Heidelberg [4]


....I dont get your idea here. I feel you need to be a little more specific.


I find xxxxxxxx (write the name of the university) which is with high reputation for its acadamic excelence, is the ideal choice for my doctoral studies.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, To some people, studying HISTORY has very little value; what is your view? [10]


...this is not what your prompt actually means. It talks about the opinion of some people living in the modern society. You need to introduce your topic to the reader in the introduction and therefore you should not deviate from what it realy means.

Writing Feedback / 'Thank you God for those gifts' - friendship essay [11]


Friends are a precious gift from god who would stay with us in both thick and thin.


Friendship is based on trust, sincerity, honesty and faithfullness.
This essay lacks proper organization of ideas. Take one aspect of friendship per para and discuss about it.

Writing Feedback / Human activity is harmful to the existance of earth; what's your opinion? [5]


...not only they should take care ofu it, tthey need to love it too :)


...sounds a bit more personal.... better let it be more general;
However, nowadays people seem to have very little care about our planet.


...your opinion must express that whether you agree or not that human acitivities are damaging to the earth or they make it a better place. Always keep a good alignment with your prompt!

Writing Feedback / Let various boards maintain their autonomy in preparing curriculum [7]

Well.... I do not have adequate knowledge about grading essays and I believe it depends on the type of exam, task etc. However, I feel you write very well and I particularly like the introduction.


I too feel your essay a bit too longer. If this is apratice essay for GRe or similar task, you need to be careful with time management too.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1:Complain letter for wrong information on a product's AD [3]


Yes, this has some grammar errors that have been already highlighted by others and the fixes have been suggested by them. In addition to that, I wish to say that you need to take off the word "particularly" because as your prompt suggests need to talk about one specific product that you purchased. It's important that you always keep your writing aligned with your prompt.

Undergraduate / Evidence seems to suggest that a lot of value is attached to learning languages nowadays. [3]


....nice qoute :)


....It should be "English" and not "english". You repeatedly do that mistake througout your response.
Also it is always good that post your prompt to the forum. That helps you earn more relevant feedbacks.

Grammar, Usage / 'Class who is absent..' - Which is more appropriate to say? [14]


Yes....both are not grammatically correct. However, when we address students in a class, we sometimes refer to them as "class" ....that's only used in spoken language and in writing this means different. In that sense the first line is ok. The second one is anyway wrong.