Writing Feedback / Describe your grandmother who is important to you (150 words) [5]

When people say show, don't tell, it means you should not make a claim when you could instead give an example.
For example, instead of saying, "She was the most generous person that I've met," you can tell about some act of generosity.

Mostly, you gave description. I wonder if the information you give in the essay is actually the most important information for explaining the effect she has on your life.

What is the most important sentence you could give me to tell me how she is going to affect you?

Also, do not say she was pushing up daisies! That seems insensitive.
:-)

I

Essays / How to improve the vocabulary I use on essays for proficiency level? [7]

Well, at the time I am typing this, you still have about 10 days to prepare.

If you read a newspaper and pull out a sentence, you can practice many variations of it.

Here is an example of a sentence you can work with:
Children are not scrutinized as much as adults.
Students are scrutinized if they have bad reputations.
Children are not working as much as adults.

Find a good sentence in a book you like. Use 1 sentence each day! Change a few words to make a new sentence. Play with one sentence each day, and you will write very well when you take the test!

:-)

Undergraduate / "Activism in Chicago" + "a selective enrollment high school" - UW Madison Statements [2]

..., is one of the most amazing experiences I think you can say something more specific or descriptive here.

. In addition, life has showed shown me time

You can leave out the word "that"
Moreover, apart for advocacy, I think that generally being involved

Since I am a spoken word artist, I've learned that a space where a bunch of different people share ideas is an amazing culture here is another place where you use "amazing," a vague word. Dig deeper to share a useful insight about that culture.

It's good to get rid of "that"
All that said, I think that my understanding

I hope that I can enrich the Madison community with these beliefs.

I like the theme of being active to contribute! You explored it really well.

Undergraduate / "playing the electric guitar" talent, accomplishment, - UC Prompt [3]

and fully because of myself. ----I understand that you are taking responsibility for it, but I think instead of "myself" you can write "my XXXX" (use a great noun here).

Even though I never realized I had talent, I still pursued one thing (how about a better word than thing) with determination: playing the electric guitar.

Use hyphens in a situation like this:
I was stuck in an impossible-to-please mindset that lasted for quite a while.

Instead, I used my want drive to be perfect to fuel my ability to improve myself. even further.

use three
After 3 three years of playing

This is awesome. You explained your introspection very well. Have you written any lyrics!?

Hey, you can probably find gigs and make a lot of money, because music can draw people to a restaurant and bring a lot of business. Learn about entrepreneurship, and popularize your band's brand name! :-)

Undergraduate / "helping others understand math better" - Common App - Significant Experience (Math) [5]


This part is very interesting! Actually, it is ironic that gaining the wisdom to be less competitive can also drain our motivation away if we do not stay inspired each day.

I think this essay is a success! So... do you want to teach math in the future?

that she was had been taught.

:-)

Undergraduate / Well reflects sb's personality and uniqueness? COMMON APP [5]

I am glad about how ...

Wow, this is an awesome piece of writing. I hope the AO reader has the ability to appreciate it. I don't want to change anything about it, because it builds up gradually and perfectly until the climax with the part about "looked into my eyes...I was your flower..." excellent writing!!

Tomorrow our fate would will ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "My Wonderful Sister" - proofread my paragraph [4]

...gives me good advices advice and I can trust...

You write very well, but I think you can go deeper in your mediation. In a moment of meditation, pay attention when you inhale... pay attention to the feeling of cool air hitting the center of your brain... and wait for an excellent, unexpected idea to come to mind.

I think you can come up with a perfect word to capture what you learn from your sister.
Let this little essay express a profound idea.

:-)

Undergraduate / I seek truth. My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am. [10]

I seek truth. ---I have only read this sentence, but when I read it it seems very melodramatic. I think it is better to find a unique way to express the idea. Or maybe you just need the perfect adjective right before "truth."

My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am. ---I recommend a book about critical thinking called, "Asking the right questions," and I think the author's name is Nosich.

This feeling, once faded, left me I found myself quickly seeking out (out?) yet again.

I think you might mean this:
...growing hunger for an explanation about the nature of reality.

Well, I think it is a great essay, but you need a good adjective to distinguish the truth to which you're referring. :-) And if you find it, post something about it at essayforum!

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: Physical health is a prerequisite for mental health and academic achievements [5]

Ilaria, you are a hero! I hope you and xinru li both check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page.

I want to recommend something about this very complicated sentence:

There is no doubt that physical health is a prerequisite for mental health and academic achievements. Sports can promote physical health, and some skills which can be gained from sports, such as teamwork, are also necessary for students' careers.

:-)

Essays / How to start an essay about a trip to remote island and bring 3 emergency instrument? [9]

Hello Sassan.

I'll give you some "sentence starters" to help you start:

1.) If I am alone on an Island, I will_________________

2.) I will survive if _______________________

3.) The first item I bring is __________

4.) This is important because ________________

5.) The second item I bring _____________

6.) This is important ___________

7.) The third item I _____________

8.) This is _________________

Make an essay!! You can do it! Even if it is terrible, that is okay. :-)

Undergraduate / "a social butterfly" - UC help I'm not sure if i'm headed in the right direction [5]

I am a social butterfly. ---I don't think it is good to begin the essay with an overused cliche.

Verb tense: As each of us go our different ways, I've ha I have to focus on what I wanted want and what was is best for me, find the...

During my freshman year I decided to try something new, join the softball team at school. ---When you say this, it seems completely unrelated to the rest of what you have been saying.

.I can relate this to my social life because this is what I looked for in my friends---oh, I see! I was wrong. You did a great job of explaining this. But I think you should express this idea both at the beginning of the essay AND at the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay for a Game Design major [3]


Hahahaha, you are funny. Well, I am excited about your plan, because I recently discovered how excellent video games are now... like virtual reality.

Well first I want to challenge you: What do you want to actually do every day, say, from 9-5? I like games, but I do not think I would like to make them. Even if you are curious, are you SURE it is what you want to do?

If so, I wonder if you would also be interested in participating in other, related efforts... designing simulator programs, graphic art for web pages, and a million other things...

So... think about what you really want to do! I always thought of what I wanted to BE... but not what I wanted to DO 40 hours each week.

If you can convince the reader that you really do know what you want to do, the essay will be strong. Right now, it makes me want to see you succeed, but it is more informative than inspirational. Tell about specific goals, and about efforts you are making right now to improve your knowledge.

Undergraduate / "I am the only one in my family to apply for a degree" - following the prompt right? [4]

Great job, Mustafa. And let me tell you a writing secret everyone should know:
Before you decide to write, think of what effect you want to have on the reader.

Before you do anything, think about what you want to make happen.

Do you want the reader to feel inspired because of your struggle to overcome your obstacles and succeed?

One good way to make a reader feel inspired is to discuss the subject that you feel strongly about. Your inspiration is contagious, and readers appreciate feeling inspired.

I think what you have so far is great! Continue with focus on your goal.

Undergraduate / "Leaving the safety of suburbia"- the nature of my personal statement isn't correct? [6]


Nope. It just is not successful as a hook. If you say something unexpected, that is cool, but only if it has something to do with the theme of the essay.

I wear nice clothes, my haircuts cost fifty dollars and there is usually a way for me to do the things I really, truly want to do.---I think this is dangerous, because the AO reader really might start to hate you if she is not able to afford $50 haircuts!

I just think the whole essay lacks substance. If you were writing an essay to express yourself, and not for an application or school assignment, you would only write something AFTER you got a great idea you wanted to share. Only after you think of a great concept worth sharing can you write a good essay.

If you have read enough professional journal articles associated with the fields that interest you, I think you will be able to come up with a concept that will make readers really feel that they gained important insights from the essay. As an example, google this essay:

Thoreau civil disobedience

:-)

Undergraduate / "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat." Bikes, Amherst Supplement [3]

The more obstacles a person must Facing obstacles to attain a certain outcome just means they will appreciate their achievement that much more.----This is true, but it is also a little too obvious. I think you can say something that is more interesting and meaningful.

Simplify:
One of the most difficult tasks I have come face to face with to date faced has been the simple task of learning how to ride a bike.

It's not a difficult task, per se, but I personally had a very hard time learning how to do so. Do not include unhelpful sentences.

Again, make an effort to be efficient with the use of words:
When I was about 4 or 5 five my parents bought me a

The childhood memory is awesome, and the way you told the story is awesome. I like it a lot!

For this conclusion, I think you can give an insight that is even subtler and more profound. For example, help me with this problem: Even though I know I can succeed if I continue to try, I just can't get myself to keep struggling when I could be doing something I am already good at.

The fact that I didn't give up on riding a bike is now one of my proudest achievements because of the simple.... might just get it right. Can you say something to help someone who knows this but still lacks motivation?

:-)

Undergraduate / "my family is whole again" (where you come from)+ "drawing on desks" (talent) my 2 UC [3]

Here is a tip that might help you in the future:
I'm confused, and as I groggily get up (no comma necessary here) I realize the two people standing over me are policemen.
If you look at Strunk and White, you'll be able to learn about commas in a way that explains what I mean. It's too much to explain here. But if you omit the second comma it gives the sentence cool rhythm, like the thrust of a spear.

You forget to keep the present verb tense here:
that happened a few weeks before.
that happened a few weeks before ago.

Let's put these 2 paragraphs together as one:
home every night after work. However, I learned normalcy wasn't what necessarily...

You know, the wise thing to do is let another career accompany art... for example, a musician who is also an entrepreneur is going to probably do okay. An artist who learns all about being a freelancer and using art to make $$ is going to do okay. I am an artist -- a writer -- and I also do okay because I find profitable ways to use my art.

I draw on desks. ---great intro!

Hey, can you replace "desks" with a word that does not suggest vandalism so much? Ha ha... how about furniture?

Actually, when you want to make a lot of money a great trick is to buy a piece of wooden furniture or a door and create brilliant art on it for someone's home, and sell it for a few hundred bucks. Buy a wooden piece and flip it, buy and flip, buy and flip.

:-)

until the day carpel tunnel takes my hand. ---no! Don't let that happen, ha ha... keep this funny line in the essay, but use ergonomics to escape carpal tunnel syndrome.

Undergraduate / "You have to be able to talk" - best piece of advice I've ever been given - Brown [4]


ahahahhahaha, very cool sentence...

basking in the sheer awkwardness --I don't think we bask in awkwardness. Bask = enjoy

I have an interesting disagreement to make! I do not think it is wrong to exclude the name. Is the name really important? I know of at least 20 excellent stories that leave main characters unnamed, because the name is not important.

Missing a period here:
"You have to be able to talk" That might
"You have to be able to talk." That might...

:-)

Undergraduate / "to extend my knowledge of mathematics" - personal talent, UC Prompt [4]

There were many men in military uniform, and I was quite timid. I then looked over and saw a man who stood in front of a large formation and it was at that moment I realized I wanted to be powerful and respected just like that man. ---at the end of this introduction paragraph, it seems like your goal is superficial. Do you really only want to wear a uniform and be powerful, or do you feel strongly about something that makes you want to contribute?

Mindset is one word.

Okay, I see that the essay is actually all about requirements for good leadership, so introduce this concept somewhere in the intro paragraph. Also, it would be good if you expressed an interest in being powerful/disciplined not for its own sake but out of dedication to an ideal or something you feel strongly about.

:-)

Essays / "a conflict between a parent and yourself" I am having difficult time with prompt! [3]

It seems like kind of a stupid question. It does not specify if it wants to know about your parent or just anyone's parent. But I think it refers to YOUR parent.

Also, "contributes to the meaning of your life" is vague and abstract. What school is this for? I would reconsider attending a school with this prompt!

Anyway, use this as an opportunity to discuss a conflict that helped you choose your major. If you are undecided, choose tentatively. Seem decisive and committed to your chosen field... and do not forget that you can have more than one career. More than two, even. :-)

But my point is that you should explore a conflict that somehow relates you your fields of interest. Read some articles online if it helps you to get ideas...

:-)

Undergraduate / "This naive American girl impacted me" - University of Texas (Austin) Essay [4]


I almost always agree with Siddarth's ideas, but I don't really understand this one. The essay surprised me, because it was at first all about this girl who was lacking cultural sensitivity... but in the end, the writer of the essay was the one who needed a wake up call. I think this has a lot of potential this way...

but it would be great to add some sentences to the end to explain the moral of the story. Chloe thought her partner was the person being oblivious to something, but actually it was Chloe that was oblivious. This realization of the partner's strength and dedication makes the essay meaningful and entertaining...

But it deserves more explanation and discussion at the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / Gettysburg College Supplement : What difference did i make in my school or community? [2]


Okay Maddog, I challenge you to write something without errors.

A whole day of long tiresome riding, and we still had not reached there our destination. yet . My friends and I...

I like this sentence:
I was profoundly satisfied from within.

And I would use "expression"----> I could never forget the look expressions on the faces of those children. The principal hugged each one of us and expressed his gratitude when we left for home the next day.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a medical education" - Why Drexel College of Medicine- BS/MD prompt [6]

Are you missing the word allergies here?---> and a number of food allergies that drastically limited my diet.

... but more importantly (no need for a comma here) by the significance of each.

...whose priority is the (need an adjective here, I think) experience of the patient.

When you write in a formal way, try not to begin a sentence with "there is" and "there are"...There is n No other environment appeals to me more as I prepare to actualize my goals.where a clinical physician's future could look any brighter, and where comparable resources for a medical education exist. And I would want to cut this last part because it can't possibly be true. Other institutions have good resources. But it is great to end with "my goals."

:-) anyway, you did very well!

Undergraduate / Leadership + Interest in Math/Science + Contribute Outside, NCSSM [3]

Dumi gave some great advice to improve brevity. With greater brevity/efficiency, you can include more sentences that impress the reader. However, I have to say I like the writing style you used -- I think it is looking pretty good even if you do not make the recommended changes.

I'll give you a few ideas, but your writing is already very good -- and so are these accomplishments you listed.

This is a place for a semi-colon or colon. Either would work:
I strongly believe every one of us is like a tiny lump of coal; over time, and with enough pressure, even the heaviest lump of coal can become a sparkling diamond.

I don't think the word delighted is a very strong word... you could use a word that carried more specific meaning... or a phrase that expresses enthusiasm or methodical thinking... like... "It was a wonderful (give a word that tells what was wonderful about it instead of just saying wonderful... was it "empowering"?? ....experience and I am delighted (instead of this weak word, give a phrase like, "...and I plan to assist in the organization of the event when I attend it again this year."

"Strive to" weakens the sentence:
Whether it be tackling academics, athletics, hardships, or daily life, I will strive to cheer on my peers.

Use a commafor the compound sentence:
Life can throw all sorts of helpful tools at us, but it is the motivation to take on a challenge that molds a masterpiece.

:-)

you are a great writer!

Undergraduate / "I see life through my window" - Williams Supplement- Look Through a Window [6]

All the more saddening because the cake is a lie. ---this sentence is incomplete, but that is okay, because you have "poetic license." But if you want a complete sentence, you can do this:

The fact that the cake is a lie makes it a sad scene. Suddenly, the scene flickers and fades, and I return to reality. The window is an illusion, an image projected over

...the key that will unlock my prison; soon I will be free, and I will realize that potential at college. ---This essay may be more abstract than it should be. I think the end of it should be revised, because you already established that you are stuck in a kind of isolation... you do not have to spell it out for the reader. It would be better to use the end of the essay to name some concrete goals associated with this freedom you want. How, specifically, do you envision your future?

Describe the goals in detail.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my knowledge of engineering" explain academic performance : Virginia Tech supplement [4]

Filled with ascertains anticipation, I entered one of the best schools

My self-esteem for academics was boosted by the only teacher who displayed faith in my intelligence: (semicolon) my algebra teacher.
Do it like this:
Only one teacher displayed faith in my intelligence and boosted my self-esteem for academics: my algebra teacher.

Good sentence here:
To sum it all up, there were unimpressive scores in my high school year but, they are rising along with my individuality. Virginia Polytechnic Institute is the institution that can ...

Undergraduate / "Proprietary software, roommate, research" - All Stanford's supplimentary essays [5]

In other words, why should individuals commit their resources to open source projects when they will be gain no reward?

This discussion fo software is impressive!

As a kid I thought I was a superhero, and that the important heroic attribute I had (no need for a comma here) was balance.

Use hyphens:
...to make your once-in-a-lifetime college experience exhilarating!

These responses reflect a very interesting and cool personality! I like the part where you say, "Luckily, you won't have that problem!"

:-)

Undergraduate / Electrical Engineering - "How you come up with you major ?" UC app transfer [3]


In this part of the essay, I think you are not actually expressing your true feeling.
You should put a sentence at the end of the first paragraph to tell the reader the BIGGEST message of the essay...

I think the big message of the essay is not that you had a big curiosity about electrical systems. I think you are drawn to electrical systems because of something in your personality or how you see the world.

Also, it might be good to write about where you would like to work, what you would like to do to contribute to your field, etc.

Let the reader share a vision of your future.

:-)

Graduate / Why do people attend college or university (degree, career, educated citizens)? [4]

Students are will quickly become employed if they are absorbed by any company in the job fair, and this e ncourages them to perform well in their academics.

I think you answered the question in a way that is too simplistic. Anyone could write about the obvious things: learning from professors, getting a degree, getting a job. We all know this. But when you write the essay, you should explore a great theme, like this:

the basic one being able to evolve as an educated individual in life who can take care of his/her own responsibilities.-----this is a good theme!

So... I think you should take out every sentence that tells the reader something she already knows.

Go deep as you analyze this human desire to evolve as an educated individual in life and take care of his/her own responsibilities. Make your own unique observation, and expound the concept you want to share.

Undergraduate / "scrupulous in everything" - Ohio State: What is one thing you do really well? [6]

I like the theme! Being scrupulous is a good quality.

I didn't realize why a man person should be...---gender inclusive

And right here, let's explain better:
... patient with his work until I noticed my own shortcoming and corrected it. was in high school.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Persuasive essay on implementing uniforms at schools [6]

Hi Sarah, welcome to EssayForum!
Well, you make a lot of good points in the part above, but it is what I call a "rant" because it goes from one idea to the next with no organization. I think you should give an intro that lists your main arguments at the end of the paragraph, summing up the whole paper.

Paragraph 1:
Uniforms should be implemented in schools. The reason why I agree is because students will learn to respect each other. After all, looking professional is a good way to give a first good impression. Respect could also be gained through the discipline students get from wearing uniforms. (now add a thesis statement that lists your most important arguments and conclusions)

Then, begin each paragraph with a TOPIC SENTENCE that makes one of your arguments. For example, the topic sentence for paragraph 2 could be this:
Also, buying uniforms could be a great way for parents to save money. I mean, uniforms cost $500 ...

You made a lot of good arguments here! It just needs better organization.

Google this as an exercise: thesis statement how to structure an essay

:-)

Undergraduate / "What it means to be a volunteer" - UC Prompt [5]

You seem to jump from one subject to another right here:
Nevertheless, I have come to refine this observed definition and eliminate the negative ties this particular trait holds. I am grateful for the opportunity to become part of the heartwarming community and welcoming environment of the Children's Hospital ...----I think you need to add a sentence to tell what the hospital has to do with this idea of healthy application of judgment.

...in Seoul, and to myself for having made the decision if I had the option to go back and change my decision to get involved I would not hesitate to do it again. reconsider if I had to. If you reconsider something, that means you might change your mind.

My diffidence and selectivity have emerged ...

:-)

I think you should take the word today off the end of the last sentence:
...daily life. today

Undergraduate / "Be Prepared" and "No Sacrifice, No Victory!" [3]

Let's not capitalize all words:
"Be prepared," and, "No sacrifice, no victory!"
Also, do you see where I added a comma?

Here is another capitalization error:
making during middle school and high school.

But Yet, I now have an extremely poor social life and very little few friends. However, the friends I do have are good ones that anyone would love to have.---good! It is better to have a few good books than a lot of books that bother you all the time.

I like this sentence: When I joined band, I was the smallest tuba player in my town, and now I have gone through several growth spurts and am playing exceedingly well compared to then, when I better than when I had been taught wrong.

I think you should add one more sentence to the end... a final thought to leave the reader contemplating.

:-)

Undergraduate / Band Geek of the Elite Variety - Commonapp Essay [8]


This is very interesting!!


Yes... as an example, if you read about autism, you will see that some people describe it as TOO MUCH of a good thing. So, people who have intense focus are able to create great things, but people whose focus is too intense are distressed by it.

No, a Doctor being a physici an just won't do, although I do have the grades to become one.

Schoolwork has never been a challenge for me. Besides, I am quick at learning concepts, and concepts make up the entirety of high school curriculum. Learning the concept of algebra is no different from understanding the concept of photosynthesis. Good idea, but try to explain it better. School is all about working with concepts. Music, however, is not as defined as academia of the same nature as concepts. Musical expression is never right or...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Fuel for My Fire: My Mom" - Texas, someone who made an impact on my life [6]

I think this sentence should be simplified:
...become essential building blocks of shape we are in us today and will be in tomorrow. However, within such...has been that fuel for my fire.---Wow!! Very impressive. You write well...

What does this mean?---> to sweeten the third sense ...

...sparkle my inside with hunger and hope for another day.---Ha ha, I love it when I see good writing.

Be careful about the grammar here: She never ceased to put all our family as her first priority even if it meant she will would have to walk the extra mile.

It means she will...
It meant she would...
The team will win if they try.
The team would win if they tried.

As my parents saved adequate funds to start their own business, my mom decided to open ...

...my mother and father to withstand its roof sustain the operation.

Less is more:
As a lifelong parent, mentor and friend, my ...

... as much as my mother have cherished me will be more than enough to take a leap of faith.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I passed my exam!" - Evaluating a significant event in my life [3]

look in her face.
You can say look in her eye.
or
look on her face.

...failure had mightily grasped me irretrievably in its might palm. ----How is it possible that you were rejected? If you wrote this essay, you obviously have a strong mind. No one without a high level of intelligence can write this way, and I think anyone who reads tis will appreciate you.

Very good---> If a mother had toiled for ten years, should her child give up in one?

I like the ending a lot. This essay is definitely going to help you to be admitted. Good luck in your chosen field! Also, thanks for all the work you are doing at EssayForum!

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / Personal and academically related reasons: Transfer Application Essay [4]

Before coming back to the United States I had lived eight years in the Dominican Republic, a country completely different in culture, language and many other factors. instead of saying this vague idea, end the sentence with an observation about the WAY it was different. That detail will help to hypnotize the reader. :-)

I am not sure what this sentence means:
Although the reasons for my transferring to Roger Williams University are personal and academically related, I won't limit myself. I will also participate in clubs and associations as I do in my current university, especially in the cultural ones.--Oh, I see what you mean. You do not need to use so many sentences for this. Just mention 2 or 3 clubs you would like to join at Roger Williams.

Another important factor that I have noticed is the ...This last paragraph does not really tell me anything. Do you know what I mean? It has no new idea to contribute. Revise the last paragraph so that it expresses the message you want the reader to remember.

Research Papers / I need an outline for paper on Ocean Acidification [4]

Hi Michael Jones, the outline is not hard. Truthfully, I never want to write an outline until after I have a lot of paragraphs written.

Anyway, you probably feel overwhelmed by this, but I'm still not going to write an outline for you!

However, I might be able to help you feel less overwhelmed. Here is my prescription for you:
Read one article, and write one sentence about the author's main idea.
Can you read an article and write a sentence about the main idea?

Collect 5 articles, and write a sentence for the first one you read. If you don't understand it, discard it and move on to the next article.

After you have written one sentence about at least 5 articles, post the sentences here!

Does it take a long time to read 5 articles? Maybe you can find the main idea in the first 2 paragraphs and the last two paragraphs, and you can skim the rest.

I look forward to finding out what articles you chose!

When you have those sentences, we can create an outline.

Undergraduate / UCF ESSAY 3: why did you chose to apply to UCF? correct and comment. [3]

During the summer of 2010, taking a tour around the campus I noticed many diverse students and clubs that the school offered, and I know I can easily connect with them. For example, I know I would enjoy Sports clubs only...

This is good, but can you give me a sentence that tells the main reason you would prefer this school over your second choice? Which school is your second choice? Why is this one the first choice?

If you answer that question, it will be helpful for making the essay convincing and inspirational.

:-)

Undergraduate / Educational Goals (to major in journalism) - what to include in that part + essay. [5]

My dream is to become a successful journalist. ----boring intro! When you write an intro, write something that will make someone want to read a little more.

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
God gave me the gift of being able to communicate effectively, and I plan to use it ...at the end of this paragraph, I am thinking, 'Journalism is not the only career that requires good communication.' A bit more info is necessary. Do you believe you can improve society and the world through journalism while also remaining objective?

I am inspired by everything and everyone I encounter. ---not helpful

Share with the reader some of the aspects of the field of journalism that inspire you, and let the reader be inspired, too. Also... tell me why you choose journalism over being a lawyer, copywriter, ghostwriter, teacher, politician... these all require good communication skills. Journalism is a particular approach to life and writing, so if you choose it -- with it's ideal of neutrality and objectivity, it's focus on current events that the masses of people find important... -- if you choose it, tell why you choose it over all the other options.

:-)

Undergraduate / "summer intern at the Juan F. Luis hospital" -My hero essay: Choose your own topic [4]

When I look at the intro, I see only one statement: I met someone who became my hero by opening my mind to new things.

So, I think you use too many words to say that... and the intro could be said in fewer words. Then, with the space you save you can add another intriguing sentence to the intro.

Also, find places to omit unhelpful words:
During the summer of 2009, I worked as an summer intern at the Juan F. Luis hospital.

Here is a brilliant observation! This is very good...----> In my perspective, all doctors on St. Croix were extremely unpleasant unless face to face with a patient in need, but this man made me question if I was being narrow-minded.----I think you should cut out all the details of the first part o fthe essay, and just leave this sentence. Tell the reader that you did this internship, and then immediately tell them about this person. Do not waste time with all the discussion in the

On August 11th, my last day as an intern, I decided to tell the anonymous man that he was my hero. Doing our short but very informative conversation, I found out that he was a nurse at the hospital. I guess it did not matter what job title he had, for it was his attitude that moved me.

And change it this way:
...this man, when I compared myself to him, made me question whether I was being narrow-minded.

On August 11th, my last day as an intern, I decided to tell the anonymous man that he was my hero.-----cool!!

I guess it did not matter what job title he had ---had you been hoping to find out that he was a physician? A nurse plays an equally important role.

...but he implemented made such an impact in my life, that after college I ...

:-) I like it!