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Posts by tran14
Name: Trân
Joined: Jul 6, 2017
Last Post: Sep 7, 2017
Threads: 12
Posts: 26  
Likes: 7
From: Việt Nam
School: Highschool for The Gifted

Displayed posts: 38
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Sep 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Many people value money and fame over desire to win. [2]

In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win the match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by the prize money and the opportunity to be famous.

What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves?

championship for money and fame

In retrospect, the main purpose of sport champions for winning is to defeat other competitors or to make new world records. In contrast, recently, there has been a tendency that people involved in this field aim to win in order to achieve fame as well as material value. This trend sends a message to the young which will be discussed in this essay along with the solutions to fix the problem.

The phenomenon means that more and more athletes nowadays no longer care about sport value. Instead, it is replaced by money concern. This is a plain result of a shift in the way human beings think about and judge others. As worldwide economy grows dramatically every single day, which thereby becomes the most pivotal issue each individual has to pay attention to, one person's status and traits are now based on finance and reputation. In the sense that people who do not earn a considerable amount of income or fame are considered as unimportant or even worthless, many individuals in various fields, not just sport, tend to leave behind pure value of their jobs and join in the race of gaining money and popularity.

There is no doubt that this results in several problems. One of them is that current and future generations of sport players will downplay the significance of true value and beauty of this field. If this issue keeps occurring and we have no precaution for it, sport will eventually turn into a tool for making money and reputation, which means it will not serve the right purpose that is bettering our mental and physical health anymore. In addition to this, the possibility of cheating may emerge as well, since the inspirational and spiritual motivation is replaced by material one that often makes human negatively motivated.

In conclusion, winning championship for money and fame is the consequence of economic growth and changes in public perception. This phenomenon causes negative impacts on sport, thus must be prevented at any cost.
Sep 7, 2017
Writing Feedback / A change of population measured in thousands in Columbia, Yamhill and Washington [3]

Your biggest problem here is that you gave totally wrong information, your score will be lowered severely! For example, you misunderstood the figure for Washington in the first place, because it was 75 thousand people in the first year, not three-fourths of total population as you said. There was no percentage in the graph, you must be clear that this graph is about number of people, not percentage of them. You also use halved the wrong way, it is a must that you check this word's meaning in the dictionary carefully.

Wrong expression here: A more look? More what?

In general, I think you should spend time studying to analyse details carefully because it is the foundation of an essay.
Sep 6, 2017
Writing Feedback / Spending whole time doing the same things is better than change? [4]

1) Punctuation error.
2) Smooth but not impressive introduction.
3) You misunderstood the prompt. It asked you to discuss both views before giving your opinion, so you have to state that you will explain those arguments fisrt, then say that you are going to point out your view.

4) Becareful with plural words and uncountable ones.
5) False expression, should choose words more carefully.
6) You did not link sentences properly.
7) Cumbersome and incorrect ways of expressing ideas.
8) Irrelevant opinion (sometimes).
9) You did explain further your ideas. However, I still feel not enough with your explanations, may be because they are not fully developed.
10) Too many simple sentences. Remember to use a variety of structures in order to score higher.
11) Paraphrasing the topic again is need in the conclusion. Your conclusion is too short to be considered a good end for your work.
12) Lack of lexical resources.
Sep 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Freedom in art. I mostly agree with this idea. [4]

Creative artists should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas (in words, pictures, music, film) in whichever way they wish. There should be no public or government restrictions on what they do.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Freedom in art.

Creativity is one of the most pivotal factors that artists need to create masterpieces. Nonetheless, there has been a debate whether those who perform art in various forms, such as movies, poems and so on, should be permitted to act in whatever way they want. Though I am mostly in favour of this reckon, it is my belief that the government still has the right to interfere.

On the one hand, artists deserve freedom demonstrate what they want to express as limit in creativity brings out several drawbacks. Firstly, it lessens value of art, since many contents are considered inappropriate to the authorities, some countries even go far enough to ban products which contain these from being officially distributed. Take nudity as an example, it is regarded as mundane to many individuals, yet seems to be natural beauty in the eyes of who loves art. Furthermore, in the sense that the extent of content is limited, there would be a decrease in the number of people who take interest in this field. Secondly, performing under control may bore artists and make them lose interest in their career, as their ideas tend to be restricted by laws and policies. This can also be the main culprit that kills human creativity and development.

On the other hand, limitation is never unimportant. This is because of the fact that not every work is appropriate to be introduced to the public. It is a must to censor the artists' contributions in the first place. For instance, responsible authorities ought to check the quality of products like movies or books before allowing them to be released in order to eliminate the possibilities of heavily violent or misleading details.

In conclusion, I mostly agree with the idea of freedom in terms of art performance by virtue of the benefits downplaying the negative sides. Nevertheless, there also should be solutions to prevent the cons.
Sep 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / How to save our society? Honour, knowledge, honesty, and humanity. [3]

1) Expressing errors here: many cultural and economical aspects => if you list the aspects, do not use 'many'.
2) Check your usage of collocations, prepositions, phrase and punctuation.
3) In the original topic, category and job are not mentioned, so do not put them in your topic sentence. You can write additional details in background sentence, but not in the topic paraphrasing one.

4) Expressing way is cumbersome. People will definitely find it difficult to follow your words and ideas.
5) Your style is not natural enough for ielts. You may want to consult some sample essays of professionals. I recommend you Mr. Simon, he is a really famous ielts teacher, he also has his own website containing various advice for ielts learners.

6) The structure is not parallel, for example, you use 'first' in the second paragraph but put 'secondly' in the next one.
7) Remember to check spelling afterwards.
8) Try to lessen the times you use 'I'. Be more objective.
9) Grammatical errors.
10) Task response is nor fulfilled since you do not answer whether you are agree with the view or not.
11) The conclusion is not appropriate at all. It just contains 1 sentence only, not to mention that the sentence is just a copy of the topic. A good conclusion must have a paraphrasing sentence introducing the topic again and 1 more sentence to summarize what you mentioned in the essay.
Sep 4, 2017
Writing Feedback / (IELTS Task 1) a pie chart describing water purposes - for analysis [6]

1) Check your usage of prepositions.
2) In the introduction and overview, you just have to do 2 things: Paraphrasing the topic sentence and giving the main trend of the most significant details in brief. Do not make it too complicated because reader may get lost and be confused reading your work. This will heavily influence your score. Furthermore, it is a must that you paraphrase the words used in the topic; otherwise, they won't give you mark for the introduction.

3) Your way of expressing is cumbersome. Some sentences do not make sense.
4) You do not need to classify charts into groups in your overview.
5) Grammatical mistakes.
6) Do not list the information. You have to make comparisons, which is asked in the prompt. In addition, do not use short and single sentences to introduce each detail. This is the cause of incoherence in your paragraph, since each sentence just mention one data. You do not link them together at all. Try to make them connected next time.

7) In developed countries, approximately half of industrial water use in North America and Europe. => you misunderstand here. It should have been 'approximately half of the water volume is used in industry...'.

8) Your information is misleading. Fix this first because it is really important to point out accurate data in task 1.
9) It seems to me that you just picked up information you considered noticeable. It is not good to write down too many details like this. An acceptable essay must contains a moderate amount of important information and comparisons between those written.

In general, it is my suggestion that you ought to practice analysing the illustration first. After that, you can start practicing.
Sep 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / The variety of degree and diploma's types which Australian post - school students received in 1999 [3]

Post - school qualifications

b]The chart below shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999.[/b]

The bar chart gives information about the variety of degree and diploma's types which Australian post - school students of both genders received in 1999. As can be seen from the illustration, the overall percentage of men overcame that of women's.

In the skilled vocational diploma section, the portion of males bore the most striking characteristic when accounting for approximately 90% of all. On the other hand, female learners just occupied a humble proportion of about a hundredths in the same area. Follwing the same pattern, exactly 70% of postgraduate diploma receivers were men, being twice as high as the figure for woman.

In contrast, females had a tendency to outweigh the other sex in undergraduate sector, since male students made up the percentage that was only half of females' figure. Such trend also occurred for bachelor's degree as females occupied a larger portion that the others, though with a much closer gap.

Sep 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / Combination of different methods. How to reduce crime - IELTS Writing task 2 [5]

1) You misunderstood between 'longer prison sentence' and 'increase prison sentence', mate. The former means a longer period of time a person spend in jail, while the latter indicates the growth of situations in which criminals are put into jail. Be more careful when paraphrasing.

2) 'reduce' and 'prevent' are not synonyms.
3) It is more natural to say 'reach the aim' rather than 'do the aim'. You need to gain more knowledge in collocation.
4) Your expressing way is cumbersome, unnecessarily complicated, sometimes, your sentences do not make sense. Remember to check your work afterwards as if you were a reader, not a writer. If you cannot understand what the essay is about, you have to do it again.

5) Pay more attention to spelling. It is a basic mistake to spell words wrong, but it will lower your score considerably.
6) Too long sentences will make it harder for people to track your work.
In general, I think you have ideas, though they are not so appropriate and convincing. However, you need to fix the way you organise the opinions. I guess that you have just started writing ielts essays, so it is a must to build a strong foundation of vocabulary and structures. Practice can wait until you have all the materials need to create an acceptable paper.
Sep 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: discussion on getting married late or living alone in woman. [5]

Hi, @Lan Anhh, I guess you have just started writing ielts essay recently, so you made some basic mistakes here:
1) Never you the short form of words like doesn't, don't, isn's, aren't. Instead, use does not, do not...
2) There are serious and obvious grammatical and vocabulary errors. It is a must that you have to fix these problems right away since they are the foundation of a good essay.

3) Your way of expressing ideas is still cumbersome. Remember that your job is not solely translating your opinion in Vietnamese into English, you have to write in a way that match the foreign language style.

4) I feel that your paraphrasing skill is not paid much attention to. If you do not change the words used in the topic in the beginning and at the end, your score will be lowered.

In general, you have good ideas, but your writing skill is not appropriate at all. Additionally, you have to study more carefully the structure od an ielts essay as well as the criterias people use to mark your work. Hope this will help you.
Sep 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Discussion about happiness - condicive factors to reach it [3]

Happiness is considered very important in life.
Why is it difficult to define?
What factors are important in achieving happiness?

People may be happy for different reasons

The sole aim of every human being is to live happily. Thus we can assume that happiness plays pivotal role in our lives. However, it takes lots of effort to define the meaning of happiness. In this essay, I will argue the reasons for this issue and suggest some factors that are crucial to reach the true happiness.

In the sense that people's goal in livelihood varies widely the deinition of being happy of each individual also differs from that of other's. Possesing happiness in life, to some people, means having good health, owning a huge amount of material value or being in a romantic relationship. In addition, some people define the state less complicated as having a nice family or just being able to exist.

In order to achieve this feeling, there are two factors that should not be ignored. Firstly, those who target living happily must be patient. This is because not everything, which makes human happy, is easy to possess, for instance, a big sum of money, a fit body, love... Besides, proper conception is of the same importance. Today, so many people aim to reach happiness supposing that it should be wealth or career success but forget that taking care of their own family members is a kind of happiness as well. For this reason, many are unsatisfied with their lives on account of misunderstanding that their goals are not fulfilled although they have already possessed happiness.

In conclusion, happiness, though vital, is hard to give a general deinition by virtue of difference in thinking among individuals. Nevertheless, it is not a painstaking process at all to achieve this mental treasure, as long as we have patience and appreciate the presence of what we have already obtained.
Aug 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: The Internet has as many disadvantages as it does advantages. [4]

1) You use the wrong tense in the first sentence. Since... has been...
2) Use plural form for 'benefit' and 'damage', mate.
3) You did not answer to what extent you agree or disagree with the opinion. You just state that there are more advantages than drawbacks. This will influence your task response score.

4) Check your usage of preposition.
5) Your way of expressing ideas is still cumbersome. Sometimes, I have difficulty understanding your view. This need to be fixed; otherwise, your score will be lowered.

6) There are grammatical errors. Fix them! They are serious problems.
7) You misunderstood the topic. It asked you to tell whether you are in favour of the idea or not and to what extent, not list the pros and cons. Of course, you can list them in order to prove your view; however, you must also answer the question directly. I can see that you are disagree with the view, but you have to write it down and then describe your further ideas to back up your opinion.
Aug 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A well-rounded student is more likely to obtain success in the future [6]

@toetoefldog, I do not know how people organise paragraphs in a toefl test, so I just give you advice on grammar and vocabulary.
1) Check the meaning of 'To this extent' because I do not think you fully understand how to use it.
2) are more easily
3) we already know what our talent is and where my interest lies => prevent this mistake from happening again by checking your finished work.

4) what their persuiting => what they are persuing.
5) phenominon => wrong spelling.
There are more obvious and serious mistakes you have made but I cannot list all of them. Maybe you need to practice in terms of vocabulary and grammar first and then apply them in your writing. Good luck.
Aug 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / The illustration describes the process in which bricks are made for constructing purposes [3]

The diagram illustrates the process that is used to manufacture bricks for the building industry.

Process of making bricks

The illustration describes the process in which bricks are made for constructing purposes. As can be seen from the diagram, there are seven steps in total, beginning with collecting clay and finishing with delivering the products.

In the first place, clay is dug by a digger, then cut into smaller pieces by a metal grid and moved on a roller. The initial product is mixed with sand and water after that. In the next stage, the combination is shaped into brick form either by a wire cutter or a mould.

The fourth step is hardening the original bricks using a drying oven during a period of 24 to 48 hours. Next, these products experience extreme heat ranging between 200 Celsius degrees and 1300 Celsius degrees in the kiln before penetrating the cooling process in the chamber for 2 to 3 days. After that, packaging takes place and the well - done bricks are eventually transferred on a truck.

Aug 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Discussive passage (money on road systems?) [3]

1) Both 'incremental' and 'increase' mean rising, it is unnatural to use these next to each other.
2) Because this is an discuss - both - views essay, your overview must include your statement of discussing both of them, I think you should delay your own perspective and put it in the conclusion.

3) However, your paraphrasing of the topic sentence is excellent.
4) You have lexical resources. Your usage of words is great and appropriate. You also use many types of structures well.
5) Your ideas are well organised, very clear. Good job!
Aug 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts 2: Comic, Books, Radio, TV, Film, Theater - Advantages and disavantages. [2]

Compare the advantages and disadvantages of three of the following as media for communicating information. State which three you consider the most effective.


Along with the improvements of our fast - paced society, more and more means of media are born in order to provide human with both domestic and foreign information on a large scale. In this essay, I will discuss the pros and cons of book, television and film as well as draw a conclusion of the most efficient one.

On the one hand, these are effective by virtue of their popularity among customers. As for books, they are well - known as one of the most common, useful and portable form of spreading and receiving data from all sources. Meanwhile, televisions and films are of the most highlighted contributors in terms of transferring information since they are enjoyed by a huge number of global population and can easily approach to all types and ranges of age of audience.

On the other hand, the negative points of them cannot be ignored. At times, youngsters are not in favour of books as they always have to read boring material at school. Additionally, not everyone has enough patience to continue reading till the last page if the book is too thick for them. Therefore, books hardly reach many sorts of user. Unlike books, televisions and films lead to problems due to the fact that they are costly to be produced. What is more is that they sometimes give incorrect news and features in the sense that manufacturers focus mainly on profit. In other words, they have a tendency to show what people want to see, no matter whether it is true or not.

In conclusion, books, televisions and films bring out not only advantages but also drawbacks to us. From my perspective, televisions seem to be the most outstanding media form of all, hence should be invested more.

Please mark my essay as well.
Aug 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS task 1]The charts below show the proportions of British students at one university in England [8]

1) Your way of paraphrasing the topic sentence is not appropriate.
2) It is better to join the two sentences into just 1 sentence for the topic sentence.
3) They way you put adv is unnatural.
4) Your expression is cumbersome, unclear and sometimes incomprehensible or even wrong.
5) I don't know whether your 2nd paragraph is an overview or not. If it isn't, then write one. If it is, then you write it the wrong way because you must not attach any figure in the paragraph.

6) Do not use 'overview' for the conclusion. It doesn't make sense at all.
=> I think you should study grammatical structures more carefully before using them in your essay. Good luck.
Aug 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / The percentage of the population living in urban areas in the world and in different continents. [3]

1) In the introduction, you have to mention the type of the chart.
2) between 1950 and 2007 => in 1950 and 2007, not between. This can cause misunderstanding.
3) Check where to put adv in your sentence.
4) Your overview gives incorrect information.
5) 'urban living people' is repeated several times. Change the word or the score would definitely be lowered.
6) From 1950 to 2007 => you do not know whether the rate dropped in the middle of the 2 years or not, so use 'in' instead.
7) Your way of describing data is not appropriate. Ex: 79% is not 'just over 50%'.
8) following => followed.
9) There is wrong information
10) False spelling
Aug 18, 2017
Writing Feedback / Map of Brandfield. New shopping mall project. [4]

Below is a map of the city of Brandfield. City planners have decided to build a new shopping mall for the area, and two sites, S1 and S2 have been proposed.

Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Illustration of Branfield city and planned investment

The map illustrates city Branfield which is divided into two sections, S1 and S2, as suggested by city planners who want to construct a new shopping mall in the region.

As can be seen from the map, the two sites are separated due to the railway running from Northwest to Southeast.

S1 is located in the North of the area. The place contains a housing estate built in the centre of the North, which is passed through by a road directing forward Northeast. In addition, there is also an industrial estate far in the bottom end of S1.

On the other hand, S2 accounted for the rest of the land. Nearest to the landmark put the city centre that comes across the road and the railway and is run through by the river. Additionally, to the left of the city centre is a golf course and park running from Northwest to Southwest.

If possible, please score my essay as well.

Aug 18, 2017
Writing Feedback / The number of passenger in three distinct types of railway in The United Kingdom [3]

You need to attach the illustration once you submit your work because withou it, we hardly can help you to fix the problems. The major issue here is that you do not divide the essay properly since there are just 2 paragraphs. In task 1, your writing must include an introduction, 2 body paragraphs and a conclusion if needed. You may want to study carefully the format first.
Aug 18, 2017
Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities [5]

1) Your first sentence is irrelevant.
2) I do not think you can count your experience.
3) It is a must to paraphrase your the topic first, then write down your opinion.
4) Who wish to seek new experience?
5) Feel + adj.
6) Curious about st.
7) You do not join an activity, you practice/ engage in/ participate in/ join in the activity.
8) 'Scary' is not a noun, mate.
9) 'Dangerous sports' is repeated several times. Change the word.
10) comfortable and happier mood => sounds inappropriate.
11) showing themselves => show what trait of them?
12) Generally, you have the ideas, but the problem here is that you do not fully address the topic. One body paragraph must have a topic sentence showing your opinion, 2 or 3 sentences to explain further (you can add examples if needed). Your conclusion is not clear enough, too.

13) You do not use a wide range of vocabulary flexible structures.
Aug 16, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts; demand for electricity in England, common consumer usage [3]

The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

England's electricity essay

The graph illustrates English's usage of electricity during summer and winter's ordinary days. Meanwhile, the pie chart compaes the purposes that this energy is used for in a typical household in England. As can be seen in the illustrations, electricity is used for mainly 4 sections of devices with the amount of which is significantly higher in winter than in summer.

In winter, people tend to consume electricity up to 48000 units, the highest rate of the entire season, in 22 hours while there is just more than 30000 units of it is used in approximately 8 hours, which is, in contrast, the lowest point of the time. On the other hand, the highest and lowest figures for summer are 20000 units in 13 hours and 12000 in 9 hours respectively.

Consumers seem to use the energy mostly to manipulate heating systems. Such activity accounts for more than a half of the chart. On the contrary, lighting/ TV/ radio sector makes up just 15%, being equal to vacuum clearners/ food mixers/ electric tools section.

I will be utterly grateful if you score my essay too.

Aug 16, 2017
Writing Feedback / A permanent job and work under same company for the whole life [3]

1) Your introduction contains too many details that are not really necessary. Just paraphrase the topic and give your opinion.

2) Although I believe that changing job is an interesting idea, working for only one company year years is certainly not unrealistic. => state directly your thought, do not you 'not unrealistic'. It is oblique and easily causes misunderstanding.

3) Check your usage of conditional sentence and adverb.

4) For example, a higher rate of pension, higher salary or promotion every few years... => attach examples to the previous sentence since this sentence is not complete.

5) This type of reward is widely used in Asian countries, such as Japan, Korea => abundant information. You are supposed to discuss your idea further, not give subordinate details.

6) Inappropriate conclusion. It is a must to paraphrase the topic again and restate your argument.

7) Do not use 'firstly', 'secondly' in your essay.

8) However, your view is clear and great in this work. Just need to practice more in terms of structures.
Aug 16, 2017
Writing Feedback / Methods of measuring learning in educational settings [5]

1) The introduction is clear enough, your ideas for the essay are great and performed in a way that people can easily track.

2) In my view, I believed that there are ...

3) 'abundant' has negative meaning that does not fit your opinion.

4) Although this kind of student does not ... => These 2 do not really match. Though I can understand what you are getting at, you should change the way you write it.

5) thus excluding the unnecessary parts.

6) The topic ask for your opinions, not solutions, so the third paragraph seem to be abundant.

7) Your essay is kinda short due to the fact that you gather the pros and cons in just one body paragraph. Instead, you actually ought to divide the ideas into 2 body paragraphs, 1 for the advantages, 1 for the others. In each one, you have to introduce your topic sentence first, which means giving your opinion in general, then explain further and give examples. Your current work is lack of order.

8) For the conclusion part, you need to paraphrase the topic again and then can suggest some solutions.
Aug 16, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2, topic: management, type, money reward: Discuss and solution. [4]

Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contribution to the company by giving them extra money. this practice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negative impact on others. To what extent is this style of management effective? Are there better ways of encouraging employees to work hard?

praising company staff by giving them extra sum money

There are some recruiters who reckon that giving extra salary is a perfect way to thank the staff for working hard. Much as this policy is efficient, its demerits should not be neglected. In this essay, I will explain the beneficial extent of this practice as well as suggesting mre options of praising workers.

There is no doubt that paying extra material value is an effective movement of managing at work since most people appreciate the presence of money. By giving more money to employees, employers can successfully encourage their staff members to continuously devote themselves to the overall business. In the sense that these members can use the exceptional amount of page to improve their daily standard of living as well as spend it on various sorts of recreation, the status of them can be promoted, hence affects positively the quality of their job. Simultaneously, this act also provoke the competing environment at workplace, thus motivate more individuals to work extraordinarily and eventually bring out a huge sum of income for the company.

However, this style of management can result in drawbacks as well. As the office becomes more competitive, those who cannot deal with working under pressure may not be able to maitain comfortable and can finally quit job. Furthermore, so as to overcome other collegues, some may cheat or even worse, commit crimes either on small or large scale in secret.

To prevent the concerned negative impacts from taking place, ther forms of reward can be introduced and adapted. One of them is holding holiday tours to either domestic famous spots or foreign tourist attractions for excellent workers. Another alternative is giving special presents that could be anything other than money to hard - working members. And if employers want to be really practical, they can even promote their staff to a higher position, which is as welcomed by workers as extra salary.

In conclusion, it seems that praising company staff by giving them an extra sum of money can be simultaneously positive and negative. To eliminate possiblilities of bad deeds at work, there should be alternatives replacing this action.

Please score my essay as well.
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Should a city try to preserve its old buildings or replace them with modern buildings? [4]

Here are a number of errors made in the essay.

1) Incomplete sentences.

2) Too simple overview.

3) Unqualified introduction: Too short, no paraphrasing, no significant opinion of your own.

4) Spelling problem (first thing to improve).

5) Grammatical mistakes (second most important thing to fix).

6) Cumbersome sentences.

7) Lack of coherence and cohesion.

8) No centre of importance in body paragraph, ending a paragraph by an example is not so ideal in this case.

9) 3rd paragraph is stray and unfavourable.

10) Not fullfil task response: You do not answer whether the policy should take place or not, you just list the positive sides of it.
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Everyone should become vegetarian [6]

It seems to me that you are not ready to write an essay at the moment. You should gather methods of performing an essay for Ielts online first because there are basic errors here. You do not fullfil the task response as well. Be more careful next time, mate! o( ❛ᴗ❛ )o
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / Task 1 Ielts: Bar graphs about the sales of music albums [4]

The graph below shows the type of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age.

british customers interested in purchasing music alums

The bar graphs give an overview about the percentages of British customers divided into sexes and ranges of age who pour their money on 3 different sorts of music albums. It can be clearly seen from the illustrations that pop and rock music are thoroughly trendy among male, 16 - 24, 25 - 34 and 35 - 44 users while classical one is preferred by 25 - 34 and 45+ purchasers.

According to the first 2 graphs, pop music and rock music share many similarities. Listeners ranging around 25 - 34 years old and 45+ years old made up the highest and lowest percentages respectively in both graphs. However, the figures for rock slightly overcome pop's ones.

Much as customers above 45 seem to pay little or those mentioned products, they bare the most striking characteristic in terms of classical music's sales. These people accounted or up to a fifth of the final graph, which means the budget they spend on this kind double that on the others. It is interesting to note that the rate of 16 - 24 and 35 - 44 buyers witnessed a sharp decline in this section compared to those purchasing for pop and rock, with the former occupied just a minority of a hundredth whereas the latter established approximately 2.5%.

I would utterly appreciate it if you score my essay as well.

Aug 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / Discuss about the government should put money on medical care and education or theatres and sports [3]

From individual perspectives, all these things are important for people, therefore the government should allocate equal resources for both. => not really clear, you should state that this is your perspective.

There are valid arguments on both sides which we will discuss now before rendering my own opinion. => ought not to use this, just need to note that you will discuss the issue before giving your own opinion.

I might understand the points of you in this essay. Nevertheless, your way of expressing them is not easy to track due to grammatical errors and unappropriate arrangement; an obvious example of this mistake is the third paragraph. You need to practice more on coherence and cohesion.

Another problem is that your usage of vocabulary also needs adjustment. There are various problems in terms of words that can lower your band score.

Last but not least, try to write your essay in just 4 paragraphs, including an introduction, 2 body paragraphs and a conclusion. In each body, you have to state your opinion before explaining it and give examples. In the conclusion, you must paraphrase the topic again and give your opinion about the issue.

Hope this can help you, mate.
Aug 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2, topic: Law, type: Agree or disagree [3]

Under British and Australian laws a jury in a criminal case has no access to information about the defendant's past criminal record. This protects the person is being accused of the crime. Some lawyers have suggested that this practice should be changed and that a jury should be given all the past facts before they reach their decision about the case. Do you agree or disagree?

Should old crimes matter?

According to British and Australian's policies, no source of details about the crimes the defendant had done in the past shoud be reached by the jury of a court in order to prevent the person accused from being judged in the wrong way. It has been suggested by some lawyers that this law should no longer be in use so that the jury can be more likely to reach a right conclusion. However, I totally diasgree with this suggestion, considering that the merits are not be able to fully eclipse the downsides.

One the one hand, this idea brings out the advantages to some extent. Access to past criminal record helps to lessen the possibility of incorrect judgement in the sense that it may assist the jury in figuring out the personality of the defendant. This might seem to be unrelevant to some people; however, in many cases in Vietnam, many juries make the second decision because of the person's profile. As a result, this may help us to avoid punishing the good and releasing the bad.

On the other hand, the opinion mentioned above is just theory; unfortunately, the shift in regulation tends to result in more disadvantages. At times, the past can influence the jury's emotion, hence make them easily judge things unproperly. That what people did in the past do not define them in the present is an invincible truth. Paradoxically, a clean record does not mean that a person cannot commit any crime at the moment. Following the same pattern, a complicated past does not say that a person certainly do harm to anyone at present.

In conclusion, it is my belief that the initial policies should not be altered. If not, the equality in court might not maintain anymore.

I would very appreciate it if you score my essay.
Aug 5, 2017
Writing Feedback / [Task1] Information about Chorleywood town [4]

The map illustrates ...
The changes during each phase will be summed up in this essay and comparison made whenever necessary.

... transport infrastructure improved area.
At the center of the map laid Chorleywood Park and a golf course, which went untouched over the more than one century. (you should write about this in the body)

In 1909, there emerged a railway and a station in Chorleywood (can easily be misunderstood). It The former cut through the (...) to east and indicated the direction of its development in the next phrase.

You fullfil the lexical vocabulary well and have good grammar structures. Sometimes, you make mistakes in the essay, but they don't influence your score much. the best point of this is that your description is easy to understand and cover the map efficiently. Just need to be careful with minor details! (^_−)☆
Aug 3, 2017

This essay is lack of advanced vocabulary and structures, there are some words that you repeated many times. You also need to correct a huge number of your grammar mistakes.

More importantly, you need to understand the task better. It tells you to explain the solutions, not to describe the problem, which means you went off the topic in the first body paragraph. You should mention the first solution and describe it in details in the first one and do the same in the second.

However, your source of ideas is impressive. All you need to do is practicing arranging your opinions. Good luck, mate! (^_<)〜☆
Jul 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts: The pie charts below show information on the highest level of education of women in Someland [5]

The pie charts below (at the end of the essay) show information on the highest level of education of women in Someland in 1945 and 1995.

female learners in Someland

The pie charts compare the percentages recorded as the results of a survey on female students' uppermost grade of education in Someland in 1945 and 1995.

As can be seen from the charts, in the latter year, the variety of levels reduced significantly. While some lower classes saw a slip, a few higher ones experienced an amazing surge.

From an overall perspective on the first pie chart, it is clear that no schooling and third grade sections accounted for the highest proportions which were slightly over a third at that time. On the other hand, post graduate occupied no portion at all, chich made it the lowest figure of all.

In the second illustration, first degree learners bore the most striking characteristic when making up exactly half of the chart. It is interesting to note that in 1945, the mentioned part just established no more than a hundredth; however, it rose rom which to a half within merely a decade. Following the same pattern, post graduate students increased to a fifth after the same period. Nevertheless, no schooling, third grade and year 6 experienced noticeable drops of 35%, 35% and 15% respectively, which caused them the lowest points and to disappeared from the chart.