Maria
Apr 3, 2019
Writing Feedback / Learning Motivation - IELTS Writing Task 2: Discursive Essay [2]
I would watch out for your construction of paragraphs. You have a tendency to leave behind thoughts, meaning that you end your paragraphs without necessarily providing concluding remarks. To avoid this, I would suggest always going back to the main thought of the paragraph before proceeding to typing another one.
I also suggest clarifying how you narrate your sentences. You have a tendency to somehow overwhelm the readers with words.
For instance, the last paragraph of the second paragraph can be rewritten as:
In other words, sufficient family time can ensure healthy interactions among members.
Try to be as straightforward as possible.
I would also suggest that you reread your essay and be more careful with your sentence construction. There were instances wherein you had redundant usage of nouns and verbs. To avoid this, I would suggest opting to use more pronouns in replacement. This will make your essay more polished.
I would watch out for your construction of paragraphs. You have a tendency to leave behind thoughts, meaning that you end your paragraphs without necessarily providing concluding remarks. To avoid this, I would suggest always going back to the main thought of the paragraph before proceeding to typing another one.
I also suggest clarifying how you narrate your sentences. You have a tendency to somehow overwhelm the readers with words.
For instance, the last paragraph of the second paragraph can be rewritten as:
In other words, sufficient family time can ensure healthy interactions among members.
Try to be as straightforward as possible.
I would also suggest that you reread your essay and be more careful with your sentence construction. There were instances wherein you had redundant usage of nouns and verbs. To avoid this, I would suggest opting to use more pronouns in replacement. This will make your essay more polished.