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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010		 Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
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From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Oct 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / Marriage Partners: similar or not? [5]

I'm preparing for toefl. Pls give a feedbakc for this essay;

QUESTION; Some people believe that marriage partners should be very similar to themselves. Other believe such similarity is not needed. What is your opinion?

In my native language there is a saying, "No two men are alike". I agree with this saying and believe that I would not find a marriage partner who is similar to me in every respect. Such an expectation would be far from reality. However, I believe that marriage partners need compatibility at least in some of their psychological traits such as attitudes, values and perceptions in order to maintain a sound relationship through out their married life.

To begin with, it is important that partners have compatible attitudes for a happy wedded life. For example, I like being helpful to others because I think it is a worthy cause. If my husband too appreciates this inclination of mine, I would be more encouraged and it helps strengthen our relationship further. On the other hand, if he is against my helpfulness towards outsiders and expect me to concentrate only on family, then we may have lots of clashes and unpleasant arguments.

In addition, marriage partners should have compatibility in their perceptions too. For example, I perceive that any form of discrimination with regard to gender, race, religion or cast is very wrong. I also have many close friends who are from diverse backgrounds. However, if my husband has prejudices over such differences, then I would be in a very difficult situation. This would certainly cause many disputes between us in our life together.

More over, it is important that I and my marriage partner have similar tastes in order to enjoy many happy moments together. I am a lover of classical music and I once have been actively participating in classical music concerts. Suppose my husband has no tolerance towards this form of art and he always criticizes and looks down upon it. I would be very hurt in such a scenario. This may compel me to give up my pleasure of listening to such music in order to keep peace and harmony at home front. This would not make our relationship an enjoyable one. Instead, it would be rather a strenuous relationship.

Although it is not possible to have a marriage partner who is very similar to my character, I believe that we should at least have some similarities in terms of our attitudes, perceptions and tastes. If we are compatible in these psychological attributes, I believe other differences such as differences in our social backgrounds, educational levels, wealth etc. can be fought out with the help of love and understanding. After all, the marriage is a life time relationship between two people which they should enjoy instead of straining the relationship. For such a relationship, the partners need to similarities in their attitudes, perceptions and tastes.
dumi   
Oct 9, 2010
Writing Feedback / Exploiting tourism is more lucrative than ever to nations galore; some concerns [4]

One clearobvious problem is that more and morewhen the numbers of tourists increasetravellers coming to visit means , more risky the enveronment is likely to be.there would be many environmental issues.The rubbish exposed by visitors can adversely impact to living environment and as a result to human being's health. (I think you should rewrite this sentence since its argument is not clear. Are you trying to tell that tourists pollute environment by disposing something?????)
dumi   
Oct 12, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS-Should children cooperative spirit and a competitive mind [3]

I think you write well. I'm just giving you another idea;

Learning to co-operate encourages children to be more thoughtful about others and also to be unselfish. In contrast, competition promotes children to be more self centered. Therefore, in my personal belief, competition should be introduced at a latter stage of childhood, not at very early stage because this may lead to a world of very selfish people who are not bothered about other's feelings. However, when children enter into adolescence they would be forced to compete with others for opportunities, resources, achievements etc. At this stage, they should be encouraged to be ambitious so that they would compete for their accomplishments. Since they have already learnt the worthiness of co-operation, this type of competition would constructively contribute towards the society.
dumi   
Oct 16, 2010
Writing Feedback / Job with more vacation time but less salary? [4]

Hi,
You have good ideas. Your structure is also good. Only there are grammer mistakes for which you must pay attention. I think somebody like Mark or Kevin should help you with your grammer. I'll try to help you with my best ability;

In the first place it is better to have your question so that we can understand the contents better. I doubt whether the "vacation" is the right word. Shouldn't it be "free time" ???

On the one side, a job with more vacation but a low salary will contributes directly to our physical and mental healthy . According to a recent survey,60%percent of people have diseaseshealth issues linked to their working pressurestress . Majority of them have a job with high salary and less vacation time in the competitive society. So, we can exercise everyday and go to concert to relax our pressure if we chose a job with more vacation time . A relaxed job would enable a person to lead a stress free life while taking care of his or her health better and enjoying life.
dumi   
Oct 16, 2010
Writing Feedback / Topic: watching tv is bad for kids [4]

Hi,

First, entertaining of technology enables children to take advantage of decrease their concentration. It is certain that they are considered a critical time for brain development. (These two sentences do not pass their idea to the reader properly. I got some sense by reading the example. It's better if you rewrite these sentences) For example, Kids who viewwatch violent acts are more likely to show aggressive behavior butand also fear that the world is scary and that something bad will happen to them between real world and virtual world.
dumi   
Oct 16, 2010
Writing Feedback / TOEFL- money for children - they don't have the ability to keep their money safe [5]

Hi Lin Ying

I think your essay reads well. It has good arguments and some are supported with examples. There are few grammer issues and I think you can over come them. Since you practise for toefl, I would suggest you to back all your reasons with examples. I too feel that conclusion needs a bit more expansion to include the summary of the body. However, I like your essay.

My suggestions;

WhileHowever , personally I personally believe that children are too young to manage their money on their own.

They are still onin the stage of learning knowledge(or acquiring knowledge) and therefore they can hardly telljudge what is right or wrong. Therefore,Because of this reason they arecan be easily be cheated.

At that time, he happened to read this story of magic beans and was attracted by the plot extremely so that he can hardly tell whether the story is reality or fantasy. (why don't you break up this sentence to make the reader understand the idea better; However, I like this example)

Furthermore, children are not matured enough to spend their money wisely.
dumi   
Oct 18, 2010
Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Most advertisements make products seem much better than they really are? [5]

Hi,

What's more, the most influential advertisements are dependeddependent on famous people (you can even use the word celebrities). By the influence of those famous people, consumers totally believe in what they say. When iI cons say thisa particular product is more efficient then people tend to believe themthink it is definitely more useful . Some people use this method to make medicine commercials and this behavior has much negative influence on the society: many medicines advertised by famous people were attested to be unqualified. Although these medicines are not high quality, once they beautify advertisementadvertised , they will become panacea.

To give some suggestions for you, I am rewriting your idea in a different format below;

Advertisers often use the glamour and fame of celebrities to persuade consumers to buy their products. These famous icons live in the hearts and minds of people and therefore the people generally tend to believe them, and more often try to imitate them. This tactic is often used by the advertisers to persuade people to purchase medicines that help boost one's physical strength or appearance. When celebrities apear on mass media and tell the world that some medicine had been the secret of their beauty or physical strength, that would make a major psychological impact on many people who watch that advertisement. In reality, such messages can be very misleading and probably may cause harm to health.
dumi   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "I have a willingness to help people"- event, experience, accomplishment in your life [7]

Hi,

It seems that you have helped people with your language skills which is good. However I think you need to make some statements that explain how these skills would contribute positively to your college life and UF community. Think about it and include some statements sothat you are in line with the question.

Also,
I grew up in somewhat of a clash of cultures.
I suggest;
I grew up in a background of mixed cultures. (I think the word clash is not appropriate because it gives a sense of disagreement or conflict)

She and the cashier were havinghad a trouble in understanding each other.
I go toattend a bilingual school butand most of the students who go there attend this school speak Spanish as their first language.
dumi   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "my tutoring classes during high school" - Help with college application essay [6]

Hi,

I find it pleasant to help people. I am always willing to help in whatever I can. In my school time, I used to tutorteach my classmates in some subjects. Even though I did receive a little or no money for these things, the gratitude and grades improvement of my classmates were the best pay I got.

I suggest;
I love helping others in whatever way I can, because it earns me a great self satisfaction. During my school days, I used to help my classmates in some subjects which I have mastered. It is not the money that compensated my labor because I helped them mostly free of charge. However their gratitude and improved performances at the examination made me feel happy and contented.
dumi   
Oct 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "I have a willingness to help people"- event, experience, accomplishment in your life [7]

Hi,

It is now better, but give some thought for what is highlighted in red;

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service .

In your essay you talk only about "call to service". See whether you can touch on others (at least one or two) such as how your skills would contribute you to become a more responsible student, or to improve your academic integrity etc.

Also, I rewrote your idea in your first para in a different style. Just have a look and see whether you can further improve your first para because it is the one that should make a good impression with your evaluators;

I was born and raised in the small Isthmus of Panama, which gave me the opportunity to grow up in a diverse culture. I come from a family which is half American and half Pamamanian. This background helped me earn a rich exposure of both cultures and most importantly, it helped me to develop my linguistic skills in both English and Spanish. My fluency in English and Spanish has enabled me to interact easily with people who belong to both these communities and also to offer my help whenever they had communication issues. For example,...
dumi   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "my passion for cooking" - uc prompt 2 ( personal quality) [9]

Hi,
I think your passion for cooking is one of your interests, but not one of your personal qualities such as your willingness to help others, ambitiousness, perseverance, honesty, leadership qualities and so on. At one point in your essay, you mention that others do not consider cooking as a quality, but you feel it is that way. However, my understanding is that university intends to evaluate your qualities to assess whether you can fit into their community or culture and what would be your contribution to them. Just think about this again. Good luck with your application!

Among all of us we label ourselves being different. We are different from our personality qualities and characteristics. We camecomefrom diverse backgroundsenvironments of diversity . However, everyone has one quality that makes themhim or her a specialan individual. For me, my qualityit is my passion for cooking. Most people won'twould not consider cooking as a quality but for me it is.
dumi   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "my passion for cooking" - uc prompt 2 ( personal quality) [9]

I think you should think about a strong personal quality of yours and write about it. For example, suppose you are a very helpful person. You describe a situation that you have helped someone who desperately needed such help to overcome his problem. And you can describe the satisfaction you derived from that experience.

However, if you can post the description of prompt 2, I can have a better idea about what they expect and help you accordingly.

As for the first para, I think you better re-do the whole thing. First be clear about what you are going to write and then start writing. You can post it to the forum and I will help you to improve it at my best ability because I'm not a native English speaker.
dumi   
Oct 23, 2010
Writing Feedback / Chinese Music, Language and Literature [4]

Hi

This October marked my participation in two concerts: G (not so) Minor, and the concert by the Shanghai Quartet. Perhaps, this will becomemay be one of the most memorable events that happened in my student life.

Both of thethese concerts were performed with Western musical instruments which aresuch as cello, piano, viola, and violin. While the "G (not so) Minor" wasplayedgenuinelypurely Western music, the concert by Shanghai Quartet had a section performing included Chinese music played with Western musical instrumentsand thiswhich was so breathtaking and highly impressed the audience so much . In this paper, both these concerts will be discussed in detail under the perspective of "musicking" (music is what people DO); somethe pieces that were more impressive to me would be given more prominance in the discussion excessively mentioned . At the end of the day Finally, I additionally convey in this paper wish to express some of my (quite innocent) true feelings of as a newbie to music and invaluable experience which I can hope to gain achieve after really getting involved with music in recent days. in this paper
dumi   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Am I really an Indian? - different communities and/or groups [4]

Hi,

In your question, it states that;
Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

I feel that you have defined a modernized Indian community (may be the new Indian generation, the members of which are not conventional thinkers but still wish to continue traditional customers and beliefs). Therefore you can finish your essay by describing your place within it.
dumi   
Oct 24, 2010
Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay "What single item would you take on a one year trip?" [3]

Hi,

Firstly , I feel that I should explain what a melodica is. A melodica is a musical instrumentan about 40cm long instrument . To play this instrument, yY ou need to produce an air stream by blowing into its opening. Similar to a harmonica or a flute you should press keys to play different notesmake differently pitched sounds . The keyboard resembles a piano keyboard. The sound of a melodica is something between a saxophone and a harmonica.
dumi   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Journalism or Traditionalism? / CommonApp Personal Statement [3]

Hi,
As an Arab Muslim, I know the importance of culture, for it is the basis of a person. I am especially proud of being what I am, amidst all the recent denunciations to those who present themselves as practicing Muslims. ... I think this is a strong statement, very good.

For the first sentence I suggest;
As an Arab Muslim, I understand the importance and value of one's culture which forms the base for him or her.
dumi   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "Being a Mother." - world you come from (family, community, school) [7]

Hi,
I think it is well written. I'm not so great in grammer. However, just have a look at what I'm suggesting;

I mean I have two siblings offor whom I play the role of a mother.

When I and my sister Dominique came to live with our grandparents, she was three, and I was five. We were thrust into thea situation for which we were not prepared for : living within the absence of a father and a motheraway from our parent's love and care . Our parents'Their divorce brought that much of the responsibilitydemanded me to take care of my youngerlittle sister, a task which was yet too burdensome to be dealt by a five year old. (I really like the way you express your ideas, it's quite touching; very nice)
dumi   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "my tutoring classes during high school" - Help with college application essay [6]

Hi,

I think you have good advice from Kevin. I re-phrased your ideas (para 2). See whether they are of any help;

My thirst for knowledge and passion for teaching stemmed from my childhood. As a child, I loved reading and solving math problems. I also can recall how I turned my bed room into a small classroom and acting the role of the teacher to my students who were my younger brother and the toys. I believe such play acts contributed in a great way for me to develop my ability to present more difficult and complicated problems in a more understandable and conceivable manner.
dumi   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "My father: my friend and advisor" - a person who had a significant influence on you [5]

Hi,

You write;
There are many people who effected my life, such as teachers, friends, celebrities and so on.However, these people always inspired me for only short terms. AThe person who has really influenced the most in my life, is my father. A person who has really influenced the most in my life, is my father. His influence on me cannot be compared to that of any others.

I think this para has some vocabulary and grammer issues. So I re-write your idea and please see what I am suggesting;

Although there are many people who had some inspiration on my life such as teachers, friends and celebrities, none of these people had a long lasting influence on me. It is the influence of my father that shaped my entire life and he still remains as my main inspiration.

You have a good case to write about the person who has a significant influence on you. Your points are very good and inspiring too. If you polish grammer and vocabulary a bit more, this essay would turn out to be a real good one. Good Luck!!
dumi   
Oct 26, 2010
Writing Feedback / Careers, living costs, jobs - life in a city vs. a countryside [3]

Hi,

Although both athe city and country town have there own advantages and disadvantages, they greatly differ from one another.

I feel this sentence confuses your idea. I believe what you want to tell is the city and village have their specific advantages and disadvantages. And also they are different to one another.

I suggest;

The city and village greatly differ from one another in many ways. They have both advantages and disadvantages unique to them.
dumi   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / AVID teacher, Peer Assistant Leadership - someone who has made an impact on your life [6]

Hi,

I think it is better if you can give a brief introduction of this person (just one sentence would do) because your essay is mainly about her.

Also, I'm suggesting;

My first impression of her was that she was going to be very strict and angryhot tempered all the time. As always, my first impressionswerewas wrong about her too . I was shy at first, and I did not want to open up about my feelings or anything that was going wrong in my life.
dumi   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement - Family Tragedy (Event That Has Affected My Life) [5]

Hi,
I think you have a very good case for this topic, a family tragedy that impacted your life, and therefore you can write an impressive essay. Just pay a little more attention to your structure. I'm sure you can further improve it. Also about the third para, I feel you give too many details about how you and your family managed this situation. However, the reader would be more interested in knowing how such a situation affected your life and personality. Therefore talk more about how this incident impacted on your life, how it changed your perceptions, how it affected your childhood dreams and so on. This would certainly be an inspiring story.

I also suggest;When I was eight years old, my father suffered from a massivehad a brain stroke afterwhen coming home fromafter a family party.

Nevertheless, I taketook my father's illness as God's test to perceive how strong of a person I am.

Before, it was he who nurtured his children; now it ishas turned the other way around.

When my father began recoveryto recover and was placed intransfered to a nursing home, werelocatedour family shifted to an apartment near himthis nursing home , so that we could visit him as much as we could.

I am very fortunate to still have my father with me today.
dumi   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "My goal is to establish an exquisite fashion line and donate" - Temple essay [14]

Hi,

I read your essay which I find vey interesting. There are some grammer issues for which you should pay attention.
Growing up in Baltimore, Maryland wasmay be a nightmare for many people , but it is a journey of rich exposure for me. I grew up in a row home off of Calvert street and North avenue.

Because of the people hanging out on the corners and the drugs that polluted the streets; my neighborhood was called a high risk area...In my view, this sentence is not properly conveying your idea. It is a very good point and I feel you should change its order, for example;

My neighborhood is supposed to be a dangerous area for living due to its reputation for drug activities ....

Despite the drug activity that surrounded me on a daily basis I loved my neighborhood, I had friendly neighbors, nice classmates, and the best grandmother in the world. (I like this point very much because it describes your attachment towards the place you grew and also confirms that you were not least affected by such an environment. Also you give a good insight to the reader by showing how the people of such backgrounds can inspire others)

My grandmother never told me she lovedexpressed her love for me in words but I knew she did. (very nice) She worked justso hard so that I could have clothes on my backto cover myself and receive an undisturbed education that I could fall back onwould shape my future .
dumi   
Oct 27, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The increasing business and culture contact between countries. [6]

Hi,

Nevertheless, these industrial activities are often lack of regulations.-------------- In my view, there are no universal laws and regulations to control environmental pollution, although individual countries have their own set of laws and regulators in this regard. So, I feel it is safer to say this idea as;

Nevertheless, these industrial activities often have less concern about environmental factors such as ...
dumi   
Oct 28, 2010
Undergraduate / location, diversity, opportunities, and weather - "Why Stanford" [3]

Hi,

With the top Psychology undergraduate program nationwide, most schools have academic programs incomparable to Stanford.------------- I think you want to say that Stanford has the best programs. So better give more prominance to Stanford, otherwise this sentence may confuse the reader, for example;

With the top Psychology undergraduate program nationwide, the academic programs offered by Stanford are much higher in quality and standard, compared to many other schools.

My love offor children, interest in helping people, and fascination with the human mind became apparent to me at the start of my junior year, and by Christmas break I had decided to study it for the rest of my life.----------- I feel it is better to break this sentence since it contains too different ideas and also appears too long.

I consider it as one of the most interesting psychological experiments ever conducted, and also a paragon of hands-on study.
dumi   
Oct 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal Statement - Family Tragedy (Event That Has Affected My Life) [5]

Every day after school, my brother and I walked to the nursing home to visit him. It was hard for me at first because as a child, all I wanted to do was play with my cousins. However, as time passed by , I learned that being with my father was much more important than running around with other kids. My father became my top priority because I understood thatJust the presence of me and my having the family brought joy to around him was his only consolation. .

-------- I feel it's lot better now.

We spent hours interacting with him, hoping that it would help him regain his impaired memory and speech. My family and I had a whole new different lifestyle, but it was for the well-being of my father.

--------- This sentence seems to repeat the same idea you were talking in previous sentences. Try to present it to give a different feeling to the reader; say something like;

Our love and care helped him recover and regain his impaired memory. Although this event demanded us to make many sacrifices in the name of my father's recovery, it brought us together as a very strong family. It made me a more responsible and a sensitive person...
dumi   
Oct 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / Human needs for farmland, housing and industry are more than saving land [4]

Hi,

I feel that you are practising for TOEFL or IELTS. However,there are some serious grammer issues to which you should pay attention. There are lots of missing words in your sentences without which it is difficult to understand your idea. Also be careful when you use synonyms as they may give different impressions when used wrongly.

ContemporaryToday , thevarious human activitescause destruction ofdestroy forests , sea and mountain, and therebyincreasing the threat of having more and more endangered animals can not back home . Saving land for endangered animals has been disappearing. People must improve his theirlive quality of life , economic and development technologyical development. However, I personally feel that human needs for farmland, housing and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals.

To begin with, people must improve hislive quality .---------- people means a group of men or women. Therefore you cannot use the word his , because it refers to a man (singular). The correct word shoul be "their ".
dumi   
Oct 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Expressing my inner world through dance" - UNC Short Essay [4]

Hi,

My classmates loved the movements, expressions, and music and developed a greater ly appreciatedionmy performance and respectedfor me andour culture . This experience has inspired me to continue sharing my passion for Indian cultural dancing and I was able to introduce others to a beautiful worldnew form of art, for which they barely had any idea previously.outside of their own.
dumi   
Oct 29, 2010
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Paying more money is the only motivation to make employees work harder... [3]

Hi,

The purpose of this essay is to discuss whether or notraising employee salary is the only way to motivate employees them to be more hard-working and productive is by raising their salaries . In this essay, I would start by intend to analyzeing the factors for higher yields productivity and finish by stateingmy opinion in this regardon this.

A raisepay hike or a promotion can no doubt increase the morale in the working places of the employees. Workers understand they have to work harder to meet the boss's expectations and to make themselves worthwhile. For instance, junior high school teachers have a great responsibility not only for students' private lives as they are going through adolescence but also their school work due to the fact that it is an important phase for them to study hard and get into the high school they wantof their choice . If the teachers receive higher salaries, they will be willing to spend more extra time mentoring the youngstersstudents rather than hoping they learn in cram schools and so forthtaking things for granted that students would manage their studies , as thisthe way it iswhat is happening in Taiwan currently .
dumi   
Oct 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Science Research -- Common App Activity [3]

Hi,

which givesgave me the opportunity to come up with a scientific question and design an experiment to answer it - during my junior year.

For your first sentence, I suggest the following ( This is only a suggestion and your's is not grammatically incorrect);

Since my childhood, I had a great curiousity to understand the world around me.

Also,
....which gives me the opportunity to come up with a scientific question and design an experiment to answer it

I suggest;
.... which gave me the opportunity to identify a problem associated with science and conduct a research to find the solutions for this problem.
dumi   
Nov 1, 2010
Undergraduate / "I am drawn to physics" - Common Application Essay [4]

Hi,
I think your first para is a very good start that well describes your curiosity to understand the world around you. In other words, you wish to anlyze things and you have a very analytical mind, due to which you developed a passion for learning science. Therefore, I think it is better that you include words such as "analyze" or "analytical mind" (may be to replace " taking things apart" ) in your essay that gives a clearer picture of your personality to the reader.
dumi   
Nov 2, 2010
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - My life changed by my Chinese parents [3]

Hi,
In this world, amazing people were shaped by the dreams they had, Dreams and aspirations are developed over time starting very early in ones' life. There are many factors, such as one's family, school and community that shape what those dreams and aspirations are. For me, my family's influence was greater than the others.

I feel your first two sentences sound rather a repetition of the prompt. Better rephrase them and rearrange the ideas. I suggest;

In my view, one's dreams and aspirations play a vital role in deciding his or her future. These dreams and aspirations can be influenced by many factors such as the family, community, friends etc. For me, it was my family which influenced my dreams and aspirations;
dumi   
Nov 4, 2010
Writing Feedback / Should successful sports player get a great deal of money?? [4]

Hi,
In recent years, professional sports players have received a great media attention worldwide. ----This is a good start. I feel it is better if you can support this idea with one more sentence that further explains the link between media and the income of sport stars.

These sports professional s such as golf and tennis players who won sports competitions often earn a huge amount of money as their prize money for winning competitions. On the other hand, other professional s like such as scientists and engineers have not hadbeen given enough attention and the money they earn is significantly lesser than the to what sports players'starsrewardsearn , evenalthough they have achieved highlyvery important successes in a certaintheir respective fields .
dumi   
Nov 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "enthusiastic philosophy teacher" -Recommendataion [5]

I once gave a lectured on "The little Prince" written by Saint-Exupery and gave the class an assignment, for which they were required toasking them to write a conte with 'Reunion with the Little Prince.' HerX's conte, although it was a little shorterthan expected , hadconveyed an implicative messagewithinto the reader . Also, X always actively participated in classroomdiscussions and other activities and showned excellent concentration and cooperation. To add onFurther , she was well prepared for the in a classroom debate on 'The establishment of the president Park Jung Hee memorial,' andshestood out outperformed from the rest of the students in the class by preparing elaborately .

Love poems (or romantic poems????), letter-style book reports (this is not very clear...better you describe it a little more or re-word it so that the reader can understand), and assignments on critical writing assignments expressed her wittiness and lively imagination.
dumi   
Nov 8, 2010
Undergraduate / "I learned to appreciate history" - Personal Statement [5]

Hi,

Hope this would help you trim down the number of words;

I always found it very hard to remember all of the dates, wars, and historical figures in this class.
I always struggled to memorize historical dates, figures, and events in this class.

At times, the memorizing would bebecame too overwhelming and I did not care to learn about lost my interest in the subject history .

During high school, I started to realizeingthatthe importance of learning history is an essential subject to comprehend and be knowledgeable about , so I began to appreciateing the subject more.

Also ,
My attitude was very, "Who cares about what happened 200 years ago anyways?" My outlook of history could not have been more wrong . ---------I find this statement (in red) is a bit confusing. I really dont get your idea clearly.
dumi   
Nov 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "[But a] heart makes you a champion." [4]

In my view, you are strong with your grammer.

I had to do well because I was not only representing my school, I was also representing myself and more importantly , my country as an exchange international student from Albania.

Then would I be walking away, not only from small things, but also from bigger and much more important things in life as well? ------- This sentence gives a strong message to the reader. I like it.
dumi   
Nov 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / It's good that government taxes the flights, especially in the period of holiday [5]

I agree with the statement that governments should be try to reduce air traffic with more heavy taxes.
The reason is that taxes would help reduce environmentalnoise and pollution thatairplanesair traffic causesproducedand alsoconsequently thewhile lowering the demand fordemanding of airport construction.
dumi   
Nov 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / It's good that government taxes the flights, especially in the period of holiday [5]

Sorry....there are some more corrections in what I did;
I agree with the statement that governments should be try to reduce air traffic with more heavy taxes.
The reason is that taxes would help reduce environmentalnoise and pollution that airplanes air traffic causes producedand also consequently thewhile lowering the demand for demanding of airport construction.
dumi   
Nov 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "Chinese values and the Chilean community" - world you come from [5]

The worlds that I come from are totally different between themto each other . To me, I have two worlds: one world is my family that taught me some important Chinese values, and the other one is the Chilean community which I live in. Thanks to my both these worlds, I relentlesslystrongly believes that "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul" (this idea is not very clear to me. Are you saying that you developed enormous self-confidence??? or something else?) .

My suggestion for the first two ideas of this para;

I come from two worlds that differ vastly from one another. The first world is my family which taught me important Chinese values and the other world is the Chilean community, in which I grew and continue to live.

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