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Posts by ajit88rai
Joined: Jan 16, 2011
Last Post: Mar 10, 2014
Threads: 22
Posts: 188  
Likes: 3
From: India

Displayed posts: 210 / page 1 of 6
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ajit88rai   
Mar 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / 'the figure fluctuated between 1920 and 1940' - Birth Rates in China and the USA [3]

Hello, I hope you might find these points useful:
1. Fertility is not an appropriate term to use in such explanation. You should probably stick to terms like 'growth rate' , 'birth rate' etc.
2. This plot shows clear fluctuations between 1930-1950/55 period. You should emphasise more on this.
3. You can use your general knowledge about the population growth , especially in China, where one child policy was implemented.
4. If this essay is for IELTS/ TOEFL etc exams, you need to stick to the word limit and not exceed it. One of the purposes of these tests is to check how can you express your views in limited words and use them efficiently.

5. I think there is not a well-defined conclusion to this essay. It would be better if you merge the 2nd and 3rd para and write a conclusion at the end.

Good luck.
ajit88rai   
Mar 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : increasing the number of sport facilities in order to improve public health [5]

Hey Dumi, I actually told him to use a 5 para approach. Discussing the counter-argument is to show what other side can say and then use the advantages of your opinion to show how the merits outweigh the demerits of your opinion !!! I actually used to follow this approach only. !!

I hope you can help out this guy in his next posts too :)

Ciao
ajit88rai   
Jan 11, 2014
Grammar, Usage / Small grammar confusion: SOP [3]

Hi all,

I am returning for help on this forum after a long time. Not sure if EF_Kevin or EF_Susan are still here. Anyways I wanted to know which of these sentences are correct and what should be the usage for it since I can't find the exact usage on internet.

1). research and innovation has always been a fundamental theme of my academic endeavours.
2). research and innovation have always been a fundamental theme of my academic endeavours.

Thanks a lot.
Cheers :)
ajit88rai   
May 5, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: There are many effective ways to motivate employees [4]

Hi buddy,

You have written a very good essay I feel. However, you can also write about the negative aspect of depending only on money as the sole motivational factor. Plus, self-recognition, allocation of right job to the right person , division of labour, etc.

However, overall the essay is written in a very good way. Maybe you can write an example too to clarify your points.

Good luck and cheers!!!!
ajit88rai   
Apr 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Topic: advanced fertilisers and machine for farmers, good or bad? [4]

Hi buddy,
Your essay is very good and except a few grammatical mistakes as mentioned above by the Moderator, everything seems to be ok. However, just also add the theme sentence at the end of the introductory paragraph so as to highlight the argument you are going to support in the essay.

Hope it helps u..
Good luck and cheers!!!!
ajit88rai   
Apr 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS GT 2: reason and solution of poverty [3]

Hi buddy,

A good structured overall essay. Maybe you could also write the following points to strongly depict the reasons of poverty:

- INFRASTRUCTURE -see, lack of infrastructure will eventually result in lesser opportunities to the degree-holders too. Hence, a proper infrastructure is needed.

-CORRUPTION- Do you know THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES- this name was coined during the cold-war era for most of the African and Asian countries, which remained non-aligned to any of the superpower blocks. However, in order to woo these countries (mostly comprising of developing or under-developed countries) the big countries started giving them billions of dollars aid. But many of these countries have still remained underdeveloped/developing only because of the wrong allocation of foreign aids, corrupt political leaders/dictators etc. Hence corruption has been a major cause of poverty in many places too.

I hope these points can help u.

Good luck and cheers.
ajit88rai   
Apr 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'encourages to devoting'; Successful sports professionals can earn big money [5]

If he has also talent of management stills, it is possible for him to operate a successful company, even when he was still every young.

Rephrase the above sentence buddy.
l
- The conclusion is very short, confusing. You need to write something effective in the final paragraph.

-Theme sentence -".... however, not only are the rich remunerations undoubtedly justified, but people in other professions also have their paths to successes (success ) with great incomes."

- Overall your essay is quite good and up to the standards required in IELTS tests. However, some refining is needed in the grammatical portion.

Good luck and cheers :D
ajit88rai   
Mar 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Government should contol Violent Movies and TV programs? [3]

Very good essay buddy. Indeed it is almost error-free. except 2nd paragraph-1st line "UNEVENTFUL DAY". inaph
- You can also elaborate one more paragraph in this.
- In your introductory paragraph, you haven't written any theme sentence stating your opinion. You really need that .
- Moreover, in the second paragraph, you should be elaborating on your argument. You are telling advantages of violent movies while you are stating in intro that it needs to be controlled. So just write 2nd and 3rd paragraph elaborating how badly these violent movies can affect the society.

- in the fourth para, u can write the advantages but also state that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
-5th para should have the conclusion.

Good luck.
ajit88rai   
Feb 7, 2012
Student Talk / Can you teach me how to write and speak in English... [11]

It's good that u wish to learn. don't worry about failing as it will give u enough kickstart to proceed with more determination. I will help you willingly if you need any. Good luck
ajit88rai   
Feb 6, 2012
Student Talk / Can you teach me how to write and speak in English... [11]

Its not easy to start writing in a language in which you are not accustomed. It will take a little time and a little more effort. Follow these steps first to getting around the English writing skills.

1. Increase your vocabulary by reading english newspapers, watching english movies etc.
2. Find a good grammar book and work on the grammar rules before you can even start writing properly.

I can suggest you a good grammar book and one for vocabulary.
Vocabulary: NORMAN LEWIS -WORD POWER MADE EASY
Grammar: WREN AND MARTIN HIGH SCHOOL GRAMMAR

Good luck !
ajit88rai   
Jan 18, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The steep price of petrol is not the best solution for growing traffic [4]

Hey buddy,
1. Write minimum 5 paragraphs for a good essay structuring. Google the Five paragraph approach.

2. You should write the points for and against any topic first and then write the essay. This will give you more variety in the essay.

3.For example, you have forgotten one very important aspect of the increased fuel prices. When the fuel prices increase, the transportation cost of almost all commodities increases ( as we know most tankers, trucks etc run on these fuels only ). This will result in escalating of the prices of normal essential commodities for the basic customers and thus raise the inflation rate..

4. The government needs to phase out the privately owned vehicles running on petrol/diesel etc and also the public transports. Only these transportation vehicles should be allowed to use these pollution causing fuels and rest all should be slowly and effectively phased out .

I hope this helps.
Gud luck and cheers.
ajit88rai   
Jan 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'the new supermarket in Garlsdon town positions' - Cambridge IELTS 5 writing [3]

1. I think your essay is a little long one. Try to summarize it in lesser words. 150 words min means you don't need to exceed from 200-225 either.

2. Overall a good piece of writing. Just try. to be precise and write in condensed manner. Remember the task 2 of writing is carrying more weightage in ielts than first one.

Good luck
ajit88rai   
Dec 11, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the ins and outs of cars' - Mechanical Engineering UofT [7]

I would ask u to just specify in which stream u wanna pursue ur career in? Mechanical engg is a vast vast vast field and u shud be more specific..dont say u wanna just know abt cars? U know even on a car, there r a number of mechanical engineers who work on it- Design, production, simulation etc..

- Use a little more engineering specific words. Your SOP seems good but too generalized. You need to get more specific. You dont need to really say since childhood blah blah blah...

- Also mention the few names of people in this sector who impress you and have a big reputation.

I hope it helps.

Gud luck
ajit88rai   
Dec 8, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'Better to attend a small college or a large university?' - TOEFL Essay [3]

Hi buddy,
You can some particular points to your essay probably.
1. A bigger university will have a more diverse student crowd and will prove to be the best learning experience in your academic and personal life.

2. In a small college, one might be like a frog in a well. One will face less competition in the smaller colleges which will eventually result that the person will be not so prepared to tackle the high competition. A big university can offer more competitive and growth actuated environment.

3. Big universities can offer more scholarships as they are given more funding and research grants.

I didnt see these points in your essay which I personally think can make your essay more informative. Do think about it.

Good luck and cheers. :D
ajit88rai   
Dec 8, 2011
Undergraduate / An airplane idea that could revolutionize the world. Duke essay =) [4]

First of all, I would like to wish you best of luck of the admissions.

As far as your essay is concerned, it would be best to show them that you are a research oriented guy who wants to achieve the excellence in the field of mechanical engineering.

- You wish to design engines or aircrafts? How about an aircraft with internal combustion engines? How about a silent aircraft that can give some peace to the people living near airports.??? What about an engine that can run on water, ofcourse by separating Hydrogen from water and using it to propel the vehicle.???These are some on-going research activities in the field of mechanical engineering. You can probably mention them in your essay to show how much focussed and aware you are.

- Mention some engineering greats or some person in engineering field which inspires you. See the website of Duke University and try and find the research topics of the professors over there.. You can probably mention your interest in certain topics also.
ajit88rai   
Dec 8, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS should fathers take care of the children while their wives work? [3]

Buddy, after reading your whole essay, I am really finding it difficult to see what opinion you are having? The whole idea of the essay is to support a particular theme. You are highlighting the pros and cons of both the aspects but not strongly stating your own opinion.

-Moreover, you really need to work on the structure and the conclusion part. The introduction and the conclusion are the main parts which will either get the reader interested or dislike your essay instantly. So try to make it most impactful.

- Read this thread. I am not sure its a good essay or not, but I wrote it when I was preparing for IELTS.
IELTS-fatherhood ,motherhood or both?

Gud luck and cheers
ajit88rai   
Dec 8, 2011
Writing Feedback / Two hundred years.. the British ruled our people [5]

I hope I am not interrupting you Mr. Rajiv. However don't you think it was our own inferiority that led a handful of Britishers to rule us for more than 200 years?

What I feel is that all cultures have their demerits which are overcome by new reformations. The caste system, no widow-remarriage, Sati system--- do you really think we need to save and encourage that kind of culture ? Probably the Gen X is losing their traditional roots, but look at what we have gained through it. In just less than 65 years, India has become one of the most powerful democracy in the world.

One such insidious idea sowed by the westerners, and one which I have seen still perplexes many Indians, to the point of making them doubtful about the entire culture of our past, is of the inherent unfairness [...]

I am really shocked to see these lines. You really think westerners did a wrong thing by discouraging the caste system? I hope the westerners who discouraged this caste system were more humane than the eastern people who planted the idea of caste system. How can be any other human being superior to other? Why can't the lower caste people enjoy the luxuries of the upper caste, if they have worked hard for it? Just because their ancestors were so called "shudras". I really think that its the best thing that the caste system is broken down. For instance, being a student, right now what I see is that there is a 49.5% reservation in India for so called minorities and lower castes.. but when I look at the top universities of the world-Harvard, Oxbridge, Stanford etc., I never see any sort of reservation over there.

You've put yourself entirely to that single segment, because you believe that is how you progress. In any case, you say, it seems to be working well enough in western countries, so let us get there at least, as we are 'developing countries' ...

My friend, its not their label, its the reality. We are still a developing country. Look in the sector of Healthcare, Education etc. where do we stand? University of Wales in UK has been ordered to shut down after a visa fraud scandal. How many bogus India universities have you seen being shut down because of corruption? I rarely hear such news or action being taken in India. We surely have a sound economy, but look at the gap between the rich and poor.

I am not in total support of the British rule we endured . No country has the right to rule another country without its will. But when few hundred thousand Britishers ruled Million Indians,,... then don't you think it was partly our own weakness too? Look in the history, India has always been suffering because of traitors. Culture or no culture... religion or no religion ... civilized or uncivilized.... the best religion in this world is HUMANITY... the day we learn and start respecting, forgiving, loving other human being, without the thinking who is inferior or superior... we will have peace. Germans had NAZIS, but it doesnt mean that the present day Germans are bad. It was just a temporary bad patch of history and it is now gone. Some narrow minded inhumane people might still support it, and thats where we need to make improvement. A culture is never lost if its for the betterment of the society and the humanity and if a culture is lost in such evolution, then probably its a good riddance.
ajit88rai   
Dec 8, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'the world of formidable evil, injustice and detest' - IELTS essay [6]

Your writing is very awesome I feel.However, as I have pointed out in your last thread, you really need no less than 5 paragraphs in an argumentative essay. The structure of your essay is not in accordance with the generalized rules of argumentative essay writing.

-> You are supporting capital punishment in your introduction but immediately in second para, you are mentioning the drawbacks of capital punishment. In these kind of essays, always put the supporting points first to make your stand very clear. You should write the minor drawbacks of capital punishment in the 4th paragraph. Note- When you are writing any argument against the opinion you are supporting, make sure it isnt too strong to mar the whole supporting opinion of yours.

- Here is a link of the same essay I wrote when I was preparing for IELTS exam. Do have a look at it, its not the perfect one, but just fine for IELTS standards.

IELTS- capital punishment..necessary or not?
ajit88rai   
Dec 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay if children should be sent to school at an early age? [6]

See this image for understanding a proper structure for such argumentative essays.

- At the end of first paragraph, write a brief, strong line stating your opinion and the point of view you are about to support. This will give the reader a brief idea about what he/she is about to read.

-The best way to explain things in essay is to co-relate it with practical examples of life. For example, say that its easier to mould when the clay is soft. I am not sure what this kind of writing is called in grammatical terms but what I have seen in good essays is that all writers try to co-relate.

I hope its helpful.
Cheers :)




ajit88rai   
Dec 7, 2011
Speeches / Speech: Country living VS living in the city; Evnviromental factors, activities [2]

FEW LINES YOU MIGHT CONSIDERING ADDING IN YOUR SPEECH:

There is an unusual calmness in the country side which makes our mind and soul to relax.

The fast pace life of a city can be attractive but eventually the steam runs out. Its more artificial and we all know that artificial things can be good in the shorter version of life but only nature offers us completeness.

--> Also mention that right from the air we breathe to the sounds we listen, everything is filled with purity.

--> As far as ending is concerned, I would suggest you to think of an impactful ending which can give a very strong message to the audience.
ajit88rai   
Dec 7, 2011
Undergraduate / "Boston Tea Party" - Why Boston? [2]

Some suggestions:
1. See the ranking of Boston university in the top ranking systems of the world like: QS World Rankings, Times Higher Education ranking, Shanghai academic ranking of world universities, 4icu.org ... Do not see the generalised rankings, see the position of Boston university in your concerned academic field which would be available in these sites.

2. Graduate prospects - search the profile of grads from Boston university and tell how you would like to follow in their footsteps or maybe make a trend yourself.

3. Climate- Do mention one line about the climate in Boston because many students also consider it as a parameter.

4. What you will get--- write how u will be benefitted with a degree from Boston University in your academic field and what you can offer to this world. Just know there is a lack of research oriented people in this world so maybe you can mention your interest in these fields.
ajit88rai   
Dec 7, 2011
Writing Feedback / How is your generation different from your parents generation? Differences? [3]

Ok since its your first attempt I would like to point out ur mistakes and give u a few tips:

UR MISTAKES:
1. Do not start a sentence with small letter, use always capitalized letters.
2. Pay attention to your grammar part which is having quite a few mistakes.
3. I am not sure if you typed it wrong but as you can see I have marked quite a few spelling mistakes, so do read the spellings of complicated words again.

TIPS:
1. Use a five para approach for writing essays in IELTS. I gave IELTS and all other people who have followed this Five para approach in IELTS/TOEFL exams have got good scores. U can google it and you can write more paragraphs than five, but I would strongly suggest not to write lesser than that.

2. The last line of the first para is a theme sentence which shows your opinion. So write it in a way that its short,sweet with a lot of thinking behind it.

I hope it will help you.
Gud luck
ajit88rai   
Oct 2, 2011
Writing Feedback / ielts - should people be forced to stop working? [5]

Hi Sangeetha,
Your essay is very good I think and you have stated very good reasons also. I am sorry I haven't been active on EF lately so I couldn't respond to your emails. However , I should say that your essay is very good and the structuring is also good , as per the required standards of English in IELTS. I hope you do well in your test.

Good luck.
ajit88rai   
Sep 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Going to dance class every Saturday' - Common App - Topic of Choice [6]

Reading the whole thread above, I think you made considerable improvements in this essay. A really cool and interesting essay and I dont really think you need to improve it any further.It might be having some minor errors , but I cant notice them. Overall theme is really awesome ,reminded me of the movie STEP UP.

Good luck with ur dancing.
ajit88rai   
Sep 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "whatever decision I make with my co-members" - extracurricular activities or work [21]

@Kate47---Your comment above is one of the cheapest I ever saw on EF. Rebecca Bakare might not be having an extra-ordinary English like yours, but she surely seems to be a better human than you. Stop insulting other people when you yourself have not posted a single thread.I hope you learn some manners.
ajit88rai   
Sep 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / make comments or even criticism on teachers or not ----IELTS [4]

Buddy,
You should write your theme sentence in the first paragraph itself...thats the rule we all follow in argumentative essays.
-moreover as a matter of fact, I am also an engineering student and i see that most of the times student just criticize teachers or comment to have fun and kill time in the class.

- A good teacher can always allow students to clear their doubts to a reaonable extent and if it requires lot of time, students can ask them after class.

I hope it helps.

Good luck
ajit88rai   
Aug 25, 2011
Writing Feedback / technology will completely replace the traditional teacher in classroom. Do you agree [8]

What exactly have you written all this for buddy? As I can see it in the speech writing section- I will consider it for that only.

-Mention the technologies which have impacted the education inschools in the best possible ways--- for eg. computers, projectors, video conferencing classes,internet and by the way- personally- even a cellfone has impacted my education in the college ( just search anything on it in case u dont know)

- If u have to write a speech , maybe you can elaborate on these points.

Good luck
ajit88rai   
Aug 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / The importance of natural resources (forests, animals and clean water) [16]

Hi birdman, I asked my friend amrosca to review ur essay too. I hope her reviews are quite a bit beneficial. Apart from that, the topic can be bifurcated into three parts mainly--y natural resources r disappearing-Their importance and then how should they be saved...

- In the quest of trying to be different , people go off the topic or cant relate to it much. Your examples are good, but keeping in mind the overall context of the topic- they aren't strong. You need to corelate how your example is important for ecosystem n the biosystem. The exampleof the cars u gave can be better said as to encourage the use of non-conventional energy resources (NCER).

-You wanna sound different, use NCER related examples which are much more technical and way different.
-I have studied environmental science and NCER both , as part of my mechanical engg. curriculum--- so I do know how important it is in terms of conserving natural resources.

- Mention about Red Book enlisted species-Its a book in which endangered species have been listed.

- Mention use of solar powered automobiles, example of how the recent oil spills near US coasts and also Indian coasts has caused damage to aquatic ecosystem.

-Be more rational n less radical.

Good luck n cheers
ajit88rai   
Aug 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / The importance of natural resources (forests, animals and clean water) [16]

Hey birdman, sorry for late reply. I was busy . Anyways about your essay:

1. The first introductory para- u really dont need to write that u r going to elaborate n u have written an essay. Time and again I have told u that the thesis statement/ last line of first para- it should be very impressive and should have a great impact- So dont write ordinary lines at the start.

2. In ur next para, the animal n children corelation , I feel can be summarized as aesthetic charm and psychological effect .. maybe u should mention how animals influence the ecosystem--- give examples of the food chain etc.

3. Next u have written about importance of fresh water and related it to cars?? Come on buddy, scientists are still trying to develop this technology and when did car become so important for the survival of mankind n other organisms? maybe u should write that more than 3/4 th of earth is water yet only a minor percent can be used as fresh drinking water... n what will happen if that is also polluted??? your example is a radical idea n is yet to be made available to mankind. U can write it as a measure to control air pollution.

4. Improve ur conclusion- mention about deforestation, extinction of species, red book listed species -

This topic is such a vast topic that u will never run out of ideas.

Hope it helps.
Adios
ajit88rai   
Aug 6, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS - solving crime through attacking the causes of crime [2]

Hi Sangeetha,
see I told u that you will get plenty of opinions here. EF_Susan has already made the corrections necessary . You essay is very nice and you tried to cover most of the points.

-In any essay or writings, try and write currencies which are famous like-US dollar, Pound sterling or Euros .

-Caning 30 times? Don't write such statements in any writing which opposes human rights.

Rest its all very good

good luck and cheers.
ajit88rai   
Aug 3, 2011
Writing Feedback / Having less number of friends or more friends? Which is better? [5]

As our circle of friendship broadening (broadens), we have more chance to be introduced to diverse kind of entertainment and science.

Compare the advantages of each choise. Which of these two ways of spending time do you prefer? Use specific reasons to support your answer.

The question has asked you to give advantages of both opinions, but you have just supported only your. In an argumentative essay, you need to consider both ways and then prove how your opinion is stronger. Conclusion part is also weak, you need to make it stronger.

good luck and cheers
ajit88rai   
Aug 3, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS--Air travel only brings advantages to the rich people? [2]

Hi Katie,
Work on your grammar part,and also the spellings too. The arguments as I personally feel aren't very strong. Plus you need to work on the conclusion part for sure. Its too short and pretty normal. Try to be a little different and think before you write. I have read your earlier essays and I feel that this one isn't as good as those. So try to think of good lines and good arguments. When you read the topic, take 5-10 mins to think about it and then write it.

Good luck and cheers
adios
ajit88rai   
Jul 31, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1_ the requirement of coal per person in 15 countries [3]

Rephrase your last paragraph.

-Industralized doesnt seems to be an appropriate word here. You can use "technologically advanced" term or "developed and developing" term.

-Anyways your English is great n u wud get a good score in this task for sure

good luck and cheers
ajit88rai   
Jul 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / Toefl】teachers should take courses every five years to update their knowledge? [5]

Hi,
Dumi has given the most appropriate corrections required in your essay. There are several grammatical and spelling mistakes . I might sound a little rude, but work on these sections to get a good score in TOEFL.

- consult these books for making your writing skills excellent:
.Word power made easy-by norman lewis
.Wren and martin english grammar .

-All the very very best to u
ajit88rai   
Jul 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

Thanks Naruto. My IELTS experience was a real weird one I should say. The venue was a big very big hotel of our city, plus a real hot female invigilator was there, plus the tension of performing. I did Listening task really easily, Reading I somehow finished in time.

-In writing task, the sheet they gave, I thought that I have to fit my both tasks in that only. So I wrote the whole sheet in 50 mins n then sat there relaxing. I was disappointed that I wrote only four paragraphs for task 2. Just 2 mins before the end, I noticed that other students were taking extra sheets. I felt I screwed my exam. I know u will say it weird but when ur brain is working too fast then u do miss some trivial things.

-My band scores were :
L-8.5
R-8
W-6.5
S-7

-I still blame that confusion that i got less score in writing section. My essay strcuture was bad even when I knew what it should have been, but thats luck.

-Time management is very essential. One gal in my room had noted al the listening answerz while the audio was playing ,which is allowed, but she didnt write them on answer sheets in time-DO MANAGE YOUR TIME ELSE NO MATTER HOW GOOD UR ENGLISH IS, YOU WILL BE IN BIG TROUBLE.

-HOPE IT WILL HELP U

GOOD LUCK N CHEERS MY FRIEND
ajit88rai   
Jul 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

Firstly you cant see an IELTS essay as they dont allow you to take anything out of the exam room except ur belongings.
- what you must have seen must have been corrected by teachers or professors but not the IELTS examiners.
-I believe in a minimum 5 para approach as I was advised this by a professional examiner .

-I never say that four para is wrong. Conventional argumentative essays require a minimum five paras. Maybe you can write an exceptionally good essay in just three paras. I go by conventional methods and improvisation is never a bad thing.

-Getting 8 bands in Ielts means the person would end up getting 8.5 bands out of 9.- which is a little more than exceptionally tough. I hope you do get it. Good luck

@leafninja- theme sentence is a line in which u state the opinion u gonna support .
ajit88rai   
Jul 24, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS> 'strict policies' - urbanisation - benefits and drawbacks [16]

hello,
I think that the corrections made by "hvthoteen" are correct . I would like to comment on the structuring of your essay.

In the first paragraph (Introductory para) , you have mentioned the advantages and disadvantages. This is not wrong, however I would advise you to save these points for later paragraphs instead of the introductory paragraph. More over the last sentence of the first paragraph is a really important one (Theme sentence). Your theme sentence gives the direction of your essay and is really the basis of the new writers. Professional writers can write without it also, but they know how to twist the emotions and the thinking of the reader. Do read this link to know what is the actual importance of a thesis (theme) sentence.

grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/composition/thesis.htm

--> In the advantages section of the essay, you can write also the following points:
....availability of proper health care and attention in case of medical emergencies in cities.
.... higher standard of living and better facilities available in the cities.

---> In the disadvantages section, you can write also:
....over-crowded cities
....imbalance of the economy

----> Your conclusion is not as effective as it should be. I would advise you to write the most impactful lines in the introduction n the conclusion paragraphs. Moreover it is also a little short.

----> read the five para structuring of essays, it would be really helpful if you wanna give IELTS/TOEFL. Read this: bookrags.com/articles/4.html

I hope it will help you.

Good luck and cheers.
ajit88rai   
Jul 23, 2011
Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

"CONSCIENCE" -THIS is the best religion in the world... no culture ,tradition,ritual, or religion is above one's conscience..when ur conscience really allows u to do anything or follow anything-only then that shud be followed... no matter if one is educated or uneducated-the conscience always knows whats right n wrong---people who do wrong actually ignore their conscience first... one should only believe in enlightening their "conscience"--- n all the gods will then certainly shower their blessings on that person.
ajit88rai   
Jul 22, 2011
Writing Feedback / GLOBALIZATION: Differences between nations are becoming less and less evident. [29]

Correcting u David Beckham is an English footballer.

-Raul Gonzalez - spanish striker n also a real madrid player.

-Lionel Messi- Argentine forward footballer who also plays for Barcelona.

-and i didnt know about them from google but from my own interest in soccer.

It depends on the field of interest and none of the above players are from USA.

-As far as movies are considered Death at a funeral, Kinky boots, Charlie and the chocolate factory are alll British films... Even the famous Harry Potter series is a joint venture of US-UK artists. People watch these films mainly because their original language is English---Chinese films are mainly in chinese while spain makes spanish films... when the director makes a movie in a local language-it also attracts limited audience. I know Mandarin is considered as the language spoken by most people but I also know that neither u nor me know mandarin---we are conversing in English-so thats y movies made in English are more famous-Its the language barrier.

-USA is the super power-It has excelled in all fields -from Science to Arts, society to education-- thats why people get influenced by it... Would u not wish to study in Harvard or MIT?? I would because I know its the best...people are attracted to the best not the worst--- they have the best -I am not a U.S . citizen but I respect that country as it has shown over a long period of time that its superior in all fields not just one.

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