Undergraduate / 'investment manager/analyst/banker', 'like my brother' - answers to Syracuse U [3]

Hi, I can help you with a few things:

Nice first paragraph, it needs one more sentence though, elaborate on NY a bit perhaps.

Ever since childhood, he has excelled in academics and any scholarly pursuits.

He is very ambitious, smart, matured and responsible as a person. Some of which attributes I strive to cultivate into my own life someday.
When you describe your brother, you seem to be in awe of him. I would be a little more specific when you talk about this, like you said, you are close to being "just as good" as him, all you need is a stepping stone (college). I guess it just sounds confusing the way you have worded it. When you say that someday you want to cultivate those attributes someday, it makes the reader wonder if you don't have those qualities right now. You want the reader to know that you are already mature, etc. but you hope to become an even greater person in the future.

Being an adventurous and independent guy I would like to be like Sir Richard Branson as we share the similar personality traits.
Re-word this sentence, it sounds funny.

Letters / I was born and raised in beautiful country of Czech Republic; Letter to Host Family [3]

I can help you with a few things:

I want to go to the University. You are trying to say: I hope to attend a University in the future.

English - because I like English and I've got an awesome teacher.

It's sometimes annoying (grammar), but mostly we learn new things. Can you be more specific?

I learning French, it's difficult but in spite of I like it too. You could say: I like learning French, although it is difficult.

And finally English, I've got 8 years. I have studied English for 8 years.

I want tobecome fluent in English, because it is a gate to the world (foreign countries). If you can speak English, you can easily get a job.

Continue to work on your grammar, I can understand what you mean, but it could use more editing. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'the Wonderland my mother had tucked away' - Premed essay [5]

I like the Alice in Wonderland reference, tidy up the first paragraph a bit though. You do a great job "painting" a picture of your childhood wonderment of the biology picture book and the in utero pics of yourself.

But the one thing that brought me the closest to what I believe to be my calling was volunteering at the Aramco Hospital during the summer of 2011. This sentence should be re-worded.

I like that you give reasons for wanting to be a doctor, and you explain your duties very well.

...but I was missing out on a whole other level. This sounds a little confusing.

Needless to say, I sincerely believe that this thirst for medicine is in my blood. It floods the web of veins that make me who I am. You may want to re-consider this, to me it sounds a little dramatic. Although it works well with your theme.

I like your style of writing, it makes your personality show in your paper. You elaborately describe your passions, however you may want to specifically talk a little more about your short term and long term goals.

Undergraduate / The essays for a MIT fellowship in the field medical image processing [4]

I can help with a few grammar issues:

largely remains the works of medical doctors. You should say: "largely remain the works", or "largely remains the work"

For example, for a pathologist, one slide takes about 10 seconds to 10 minutes (depends on his/her experience ).

One thing I noticed: In your first essay, you have a few paragraphs with only 2 sentences. It would make the paper look neater if you consolidate these into the larger paragraphs, or you could add an extra sentence to each short paragraph.

In the results of the project, I would say: "Using the results of the project," or "With the results of the project,"

I hope this helps, I only had time to scan the 1st essay. I think you have good writing skill, you only need a few minor grammar corrections. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Admissions for the Ultrasound Program at my School [3]

Here are a few things that I would change:

Its not an easy thing for someone to pick a career they are truly happy with and stick with that for the rest of there lives. I would re-phrase this sentence

But once you know what you want to pursue your career in it's a wonderful feeling; knowing that you are working towards that goal and you are willing to do anything it takes to accomplish that goal. Simplify this sentence.

I did a variety of things while volunteering there such as helping with filing, transporting patients, refilling the water in their rooms, and interacting with them throughout the day.

Once I volunteered there, I knew that I wanted to follow a career in the medical field, and I leave work knowing that I made a difference in someone else's life.

Undergraduate / 'watching the 8 bit video games' - Art institute of Vancouver entrance [2]

You have a good essay here! It could use a little tidying up, a little bit of attention to grammar is needed in the first paragraph. You say all of the right things though: that you are passionate about your subject, you have studied it a lot, you say the college will be what you need to advance in your career. The main point is to appear to the college as a person with a plan in life- this is key. Express your long term goals, as well as your short term goals, and let your personality show! You are doing great, it just needs a little fine tuning.

Undergraduate / Essay about my first job at the age of eight and a half [6]

You have a very unique story! You show off your good qualities by telling the reader all about your childhood. The only thing I might change: in the final two sentences, switch them, so you end the essay in "others too" I think this paper is pretty solid, nice work!

Writing Feedback / 'new international knowledge and experience' - The reason for studying abroad [3]

A few things that you could fix:

Admittedly, the international student rate is increasing gradually annually.
I would re-phrase this sentence.

There are a great deal of reasons why students are being encouraged to study in overseas countries. The issue is that participation in international education causes both advantages and disadvantages for students.

There is no doubt that most students tend to study in a foreign countries day by day.
Do you mean more students study abroad, and do you mean the amount of students is increasing?

[i] According to this statistics you can see the upper level of international students.

This can show studying abroad is becoming common situation.[/i] I would remove this, it is confusing... stay on the subject

On the other hand, obtaining international education causes to be disadvantage side on students.
On the other hand, obtaining international education could put students at a disadvantage.

You have a lot of good points in your paper, its interesting. Just work on your grammar and expand your conclusion.

Undergraduate / 'heading for Egypt' + 'working at 7-Eleven' - significant risk [3]

You have two very unique and interesting stories. Which one, in your eyes, represents "you" in the best possible light? I think the first essay is the "stronger" one, based on the writing, grammar, and flow of the storyline. The 2nd essay is another great story, but it needs some editing. It is hard to decide, but I would turn in the 2nd essay (revise it). I think that the 2nd shows that you are responsible for your own thoughts and decisions. It shows that you strongly support good morals, and you will not sacrifice yourself for trivial things. I think the personality that you show in the 2nd is very appealing, whereas in the 1st the reader does not really "get to know you" quite as well. Good luck! If you post again, start a new thread with it, I will try to review that for you too. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Life of a child star-rewards and problems [3]

Life as a child star has been a dream of many people because being a child star,you can enjoy a number of rewards coming from fame such as money,respect from people,successful career,etc.Life of a child star,however,is more difficult than many people can imagine.Fame brings to a child star more troubles than rewards,in other words,troubles are more likely to be dominant in the life of most child stars.

I have a few thoughts on this subject:

I think many people dream of their child being a star (I would say this) and most children just want an ordinary life. This makes me think of Toddlers and Tiaras (tv show) because all of the moms insist "my daughter wants this competition" and it seems that the parent wants the attention even more. It seems this lifestyle can put much pressure on a child, leading to some dysfunction- what if her self-esteem is solely based on this on-stage attention, and if she fails at something- will that ruin her self-worth?

But, some child stars become very successful and seemingly well-rounded individuals. Being a star can give a child the confidence to realize they can achieve anything in life. If they are a star, we will assume they have a lot of money, so they may live a very privileged lifestyle. This child may receive the finest education and care. This child may also be lonely, because if they are so busy working on stardom, they will not have time to play with other kids or do other entertaining things that kids like.

Good luck with this essay, be sure to write objectively.

Writing Feedback / Essay on Responding to September 11 [3]

1) Psychological-- FEAR is the main point here, I think the attacks on 9/11 caused many people to fear terrorism. This, in turn, caused the American people to become anxious and depressed (although it did inspire some unity) The economy suffers from this-- it becomes a recession, which leads to job loss, poverty and more despair.

2) Anthropology-- You need to explore how human culture in America has changed. If people are influenced by war and a recession, they will feel insecure about the future. People have many destructive habits, and mental illness is at an all-time high.

2) Sociological-- Fear leads to desperation, which makes people think "war is OK" People believe that this war makes us safer, but it is doing much damage to our country. The economy suffers. Heightened security exists everywhere that people travel. This may cause some people to avoid travel, especially to countries near war.

You may want to watch a movie called "The Obama deception" on a side note, it mentions a lot about this subject and how the government perpetuates the fear from 9/11 to control people's feelings, mainly by using the media.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / The costs of international travel are decreasing and tourism is growing. [3]

In the present time, many people are decreasing their expenses and therefore tourism is booming in many developing countries.
This doesn't make sense. International travel has become more affordable, so people travel abroad now more than ever.

Traveling is noticed as one of the popular trend in all generation. There are many benefits and drawbacks of it and this will discuss in this essay.

Traveling is a popular trend for all generations, and there are many benefits and drawbacks to this booming industry. (don't say "will discuss in this essay")

To begin with, it brings different cultures and nations together.Therefore, people can learn more about the rituals and customs of other countries. A personcan experience a particular country's food, lifestyle, principals, clothes,trends and many more. Secondly, it certainly increasesthe economy of countries. For example, western people visit China, and thelocal businesses greatly benefit from their patronage.

Undergraduate / Growing up with Dermatitis; University of Washington [2]

A few things:

my childhood wasn't the best of times; but it certainly wasn't the worst either.
You may want to say this differently, maybe re-word the sentence.

At Hainerberg Elementary School, back in 2001, students were gathering inside classrooms anxious to get ready to start the school day.
At Hainerberg Elementary School, back in 2001, students were gathering inside classrooms anxious to start the school day.

I do like how you begin in present tense, transition to past tense in a very descriptive way, then switch back to present tense. You have a nice style of writing!

I met Chelsea Hattle, my best friend, on the soccer field, halfway through my fifth grade year and from then on, I wasn't a shy, insecure girl anymore; I was starting to show a different side to myself, my true self.

You mean to say "different side of myself" and this sentence is a little long, maybe make 2 sentences out of this one.

Nice work! You have a great topic, your paper is interesting and easy to read. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Rollover car accident which prevented me from starting school on time [3]

Wow! What an amazing and scary story. Upon reading your essay I was really drawn into the descriptions you provided. I cannot find any grammatical errors, i think your paper sounds great the way it is. It is unique. You have a great style of writing, you don't need to change anything if you don't want to. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'helping people has always been my passion' - UC [8]

I'm thinking you need to sound a little more positive and confident. Let that show through your writing. The college want to know that you are a person with a plan, that you have short term and long term goals. That said, I would just touch on those goals because the essay's topic is more about your achievements, etc.

These two phrases sound a bit weak, maybe just say these things in a more concise way. It can be hard to conclude this type of essay, but I would re-word the final sentence.

1)My first year of high school I found myself easily distracted and my grades suffered, but throughout high school, I learned to manage my time and put effort into my work. I began to work hard paying attention and taking notes during class, studying for test and attending afterschool tutoring.

2)Due to the opportunities given to me, and the lessons I have learned throughout my life, I am confident in saying that I am well-adapted and prepared to succeed and be involved in the University of Cincinnati community.

Undergraduate / 'Inspired to become an engineer too' - CLARKSON UNI ESSSAY [2]

Just a few things:

For me, I wish I knew I wanted to be an engineer a lot earlier in life.
Do you think it may sound better this way: For me, I wish I had known earlier in life that I wanted to be an engineer.

I wish I didn't to spend most of my life wondering what I should do or who I should be.
I wish I hadn't spent most of my life wondering what I should do or who I should be.

I worked to develop and recreate a lesson plan focused on wind load and its mechanical impact on structures.
I'd like to know a little more about this, maybe add one more sentence about this lesson plan.

I think your paper is very good. You have a nice style of writing and a great story. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'every time I put on my Hilltopper blue jersey' - Short Essay on Activity [2]

A few things:

Before calling my name to receive a certificate,my coach's words were, "She is an important part of this team and has come a long way since freshman year."

It was a risk trying out for the team but one of the best decisions I have ever made.
One of the best decisions I have ever made was trying out for the team, although I risked being rejected.

My muscles were not used to moving these different directions and Ifelt very sore the next morning.

While I was just beginning my freshman year, other girls were playing for their third or fourth year. You could remove this sentence.

I would definitely emphasize the purpose of your story, even if you have to shorten the way you described it. The main thing that the college wants to hear is that your story pertains to your goals. Expand on your short term and long term goals (the story will back up your passion and motivation, so you don't need to re-state that if you need to shorten) Nice work!

Undergraduate / That burst of red gushing fluid shooting out; Tomatoes- UW Essay Prompt 2 [2]

Haha you are quite dramatic about those awful tomatoes!

Just like how donkeys are so stubborn-- I would say: I was as stubborn as a donkey

When faced with a self-imposed barrier of eating tomatoes, my adoration of another was the propelling force toward successfully overcoming my dislike of tomatoes. I feel like it is missing something... I wonder how you felt about tomatoes after that? Did you end up liking them after all? Or were they not as horrible as you had expected? So what is the purpose of your story, what is the lesson learned? Is the moral of the story that sometimes you must do things that are out of your comfort zone in order to please others? That is what it sounds like to me, by the way you wrote the conclusion. Or the moral is that you need to try new things in life? I would clear this up, and definitely clearly state the meaning of the story. You have a unique writing style, excellent topic (btw- I hate tomatoes!) GOOD LUCK IN SCHOOL!

Writing Feedback / 'How I viewed Islamic missionaries' - personal essay [2]

Upon constant insistence.I set out on a religious journey of 10 days with a team of 12 members. Our team was sent to a far flung area of Pakistan.

As we reached our destination, we used a mosque, located at the centre of the town, as our base. The condition of mosque was pitiful. The walls were made of mud-brick, prayer hall was uncovered and floor was uneven on which we were supposed to sleep. There was no electricity which meant that the team spent hours without fans in hot weather. Also, as there was no gas supply, we had to buy gas cylinders to cook food.

I will try to edit this part for you, I hope this helps!

My friend continued to influence me to open my mind. I set out on a religious journey of 10 days with a team of 12 members. Our team was sent to a remote area of Pakistan.

When we reached our destination, we used a mosque, located at the center of the town, as our base. The living conditions of the mosque was pitiful. The walls were made of mud-brick, the prayer hall was uncovered and the floor was uneven on which we were supposed to sleep. There was no electricity, which meant that the team spent hours without fans in hot weather. Also, as there was no gas supply, we had to buy gas cylinders to cook food.

During our first day of stay, everyone was told his role. I was selected as the preacher for the last 5 days. I was hesitant to accept the post not because I feared confronting people but because i, myself, was not convinced of the stance that i was supposed to preach others: the role of religious teams was to encourage people to enjoin good. However, as I could not run away with the task assigned, I spent more and more time with the members to learn about their stance. Ultimately, I did a pretty handsome job at encouraging people-whom I preached- to practice tolerance and good.

On our first day, everyone was told his role. I was selected as the preacher for the last 5 days. I was hesitant to accept the position. I did not fear leading people,however I was not confident of the dogma that i was supposed to preach to others: the role of religious teams was to encourage people to do good. However, as I could not run away with the task assigned, I spent more and more time with the members to learn about their stance. Ultimately, I did a pretty handsome job at encouraging people-whom I preached- to practice tolerance and good.

Undergraduate / I learned the meaning of the word "endurance" - Obstacle or "Bump" (UCF Essay) [3]

I would just mention how your hardships have motivated you to certain goals (the college really likes to hear that you have long term and short term goals) Try to be a bit more specific of these goals. Otherwise, your paper is very well written, you sound intelligent, and your personality shows. I think the topic you chose is a good one, because it is something the reader can understand and relate to, as well as feel empathy. I wish you luck in school!

Undergraduate / "Ubuntu, the spirit of Africa" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

Wow! Your essay is so good! This one of the best papers I have read in a long time. Excellent topic, story, your words flow nicely. I would work on your conclusion. Be sure to make this evident in your writing: that the story ties in to your "life plans". The college wants to know that you have long-term and short-term goals. You sound highly intelligent for your age, and I wish you luck in school!

Undergraduate / I want to pursue a degree in computer science as my primary major. [2]

A few things:

My 19 years on earth has been marked by my deep interest in electronics.
This sounds a little corny. How about- "Since my childhood, ... electronics."

As I matured, however, and moved from Ghana to Italy and Italy to the United States, my interests have shifted from simply fixing broken electronics to creating and even perfecting them.

You say a lot in one sentence here. You could simplify it by turning into 2-3 sentences: 1) your family moved, 2) your interests

My family's arrival in the states was repelled by economic hardships so when my father saved enough to buy a computer amidst the challenges, he expected none of my brothers and I to fiddle with it, yet I took the initiative to take it all apart and put it back together again.

This sentence is way too long.

The experience that day sparked an interest in me that have never subsided, I want to take a step further in my undergraduate studies and understand how these tangible components all act together as the backbone for brilliant creations such as the windows and the internet.

You have great content here, again the sentence is too long. Try to simplify your sentences but keep the details. You are doing well, a few grammar issues, but otherwise a great paper so far. Continue to edit a little more. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'find an interest in anything that makes you happy' - UC 1 [2]

Through all of high school and my first year at my community college the main goal I was trying to achieve was to find a profession that made me happy no matter the amount of the salary. You could simplify this statement:

During high school and my first year at my community college, my main goal was trying to find a profession that would make me happy, regardless of the salary.

My interest in my intended major first developed when I started taking some business classes to see how I would like them.
You could say this:

I became interested in my intended major when I took some business classes to see how I would like them.

Being on a team and pitching ideas to people really appealed to me.

My days would drag on as I ran the cash register and cleaned up after people all by myself.

At times, being the only one working there was something I looked forward to. At times, I looked forward to working there alone.

My favorite part of the job soon became going out onto the streets to advertise and bring customers inside the shop. Advertisement was not common amongst the other co-workers.

You have a great paper here! Continue to work on your grammar, I really like your story! Good luck in school.

Undergraduate / 'B.A. degree program in engineering' - USC Short answer [3]

I am now 17 years old, and though the simple meal that I ate at 7 years old is now replaced with my own complex masterpieces, I continue to appreciate my nanny and how she made me realize my strong curiosity for engineering.

This sentence is really long, you may want to make 2 sentences out of this.

You do state that you have an interest in a particular major, engineering. However, the college wants to hear that you are a "person with a plan" so make your goals a bit more solid. In your paper, be sure to state your short term and long term goals, and how your school will be a stepping stone in your journey. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Whenever I heard music playing' - UC prompt #2 [2]

You have an excellent story! This paper is well-written, and the words flow nicely. I cannot find any obvious grammatical errors. I would suggest this: "tie in" your story with the short-term and long-term goals of your life. You don't need to write a lot about that, but the college wants to know that you have a plan for life (and your discipline with the piano is a great quality!)

Writing Feedback / About a Successful College Student [2]

You have a writing style that flows well. You have made many good points in your paper. I can help you fix a few grammar issues that will hopefully get you an "A" :)

These unsuccessful studentsseldom come to class, and are rarely prepared for class conversation when they attend.

They find it difficult to fulfill their purpose because they are unaware of steps to help. This sentence sounds confusing

Students should appear to have a certain degree of motivation inside and outside of the classroom.

Students can motivate themselves intrinsically or extrinsicly .

They can perform volunteer work to help the community. They can spend lots of time studying to prepare for future assignments.

Students motivation comes active when they decide, they want better for themselves. This is a key point- I would re-word this sentence

You may want to add in a brief description of the unmotivated student- we all know them! They come to class late or sporadically, don't have a notebook, they want to borrow somebody's notes, they fidget and act bored, and don't communicate with classmates during projects.

Essays / Need an interesting argumentative research paper topic (with lots research materials) [7]

This is just any type of research paper? It does not pertain to a particular subject? Why not write about something that you are passionate about, something that you can personally relate to? I used to enjoy writing papers about astronomy, anthropology, gender studies, environmental studies, nature, etc. Definitely find a "sub-category" that is interesting to the reader too. I wish you luck in school! I hope I was of a little help... be sure to post your essay on this forum for editing- we are here for you :)

Writing Feedback / 'job-hunting' - University should offer students more preparation for the future [5]

A few things:

to cushion the blow in job-hunting. I think this phrase is distracting, you may want to change "cushion the blow"

Thus, the dean, parents, and college students start to concerns that whether preparation in university is going to be greatly supported and popularized. This sentence does not make sense- you are trying to say-- the college, students, and parents are concerned with job preparation...

Some would say the effort and process in applying for a position will be significantly saved , as a result, the saved time and energy can be invested into other practical projects to boost efficiency.

Conceding that preparation offered by college will certainly minimize both risks and frustration to the modest level for applicants, and give the majority of graduates courage and confidence to face, handle and accustomed to the competitive outside world. This sentence is a little too long, and sounds confusing. Try to simplify.

For another, inviting successful celebrities to give speech to motivate and inspire students would be helpful to emotionally prepare them for apprenticeship .

You have many good points! You have great content and good writing skill. I would work on your grammar and simplify (some sentences are too "wordy") Good Luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Coming to the United States with nothing' - THE WORLD YOU COME FROM [3]

A few things you may want to change:

I wonder why your family decided to relocate to America?

Coming to the United States with nothing more than a suitcase of clothing, a Spanish to English thesaurus and a hundred dollar bill, my family and I arrived in the United States with very little commodities.

However the language barrier between most children and I, kept us separated. You could say: However, I felt separated from most of the other children, due to the language barrier.

One point you are trying to make: the best way to break the language/culture wall is through immersion, that is the key to learning!

Be sure to represent yourself as a person with a plan, explain your short term and long term goals.

Undergraduate / 'sacrifices my dad made' - UC Prompt #1 [2]

A few things:

exposed to the harsh realities of unemployment, teen pregnancy, and poverty. Expand on this: what makes your town different than other impoverished, "bad" neighborhoods? Every city has issues like teen pregnancy and such, but what makes your town unique?

However, my father is my daily reminder of the possibilities I can have to if I don't succumb to the status quo and make a better life for myself. This is your major point! Nice job with this statement, this is the focus of your paper. (remove "to" from this sentence)

You are doing fine with your paper so far. One thing you should do: emphasize your core values, your dad inspired you, but in the end it is YOU who must be presented as a person the college wants to accept. Be sure to represent yourself as a man with a plan. Connect how your education will help you reach your goals and achievement. Make this evident: you have long-term and short-term goals and college is the stepping stone to them.

Undergraduate / 'self-improvement and helping others' - What is your something?- Morgan [3]

Of course like any other occupation and hobby, helping other people isn't hard to do. Lots of occupations and hobbies ARE hard to do, and so is helping people. I think that what you mean to say is that helping is not hard work for certain people, that it comes naturally to some. "of course" sounds a little strange as your opening words.

I want to show them what they are capable of achieving in their everyday lives. Yes! This is your main point, expand on this, it is an important statement.

Even though, I am young and finding out new things about myself, I presume my something I am meant to do in this world, is assist people with their life issues and decisions. This sentence is too long.

Ever since my experience during my junior year in A.P English Literature, I seem to view the world in a different way then I did before. Instead of "ever since" You could say "What I experienced during my junior year in A.P English Literature changed my view of the world.

You say "none sense" when you mean nonsense

However, the first step in achieving this, is coming to a college like Morgan State University that commensurate with my yearn to learn and help people. Use a different word than "yearn"

Remember to make the reader aware that you are a person with a plan, that you have long-term and short-term goals, and the college is exactly what will help you achieve those goals. You have a good essay here, it still need a little work with grammar but your content is excellent.

Undergraduate / UC - embracing a world beyond the classroom [3]

A few things:

I coped by writing with my gut-- To say you coped, you must refer to stress or something hard... maybe use a different word than coped.

If everyone were happy, then why would I need to? This statement is confusing. Add the word change at the end.

She made us analyze the analysis and taught us to connect the whole picture. Don't use analyze and analysis together in a sentence, it sounds redundant.

I didn't just learn how to write essays about books, but rather, I learned to express myself in a concise way that also produced a meaningful message that my audience could take away from. Re-word this sentence. Don't end it in "from"

It was painful and disorientating, but this shedding of innocence was not just about facing the hypocrisy and evils but also about obtaining the ability to hope when all odds are against you, whether you are in a classroom or battlefield. I understand what you are saying, and you are trying to connect your writing struggles to the stories you read. However, you sound a little over-dramatic.

You have a great writing style and an interesting story, continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Moving to Jamaica --- Common application essay [3]

It can be challenging to write an auto biography because you have to give details about what happened in your life, but also you explain how you felt along the way. You do this well. There are a few places where this can be fixed up a little.

This gave me the first spark of hope that life wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be as cheerleading reminded me of life in New York. This sentence is a run-on, it needs to be re-worded.

After realizing how much better life at school could be if I got involved in school activities I joined Key Club, Modern languages club and UNESCO.

Instead you could say: "I realized that school life could be so much better if I got involved in activities, so I joined..."

As I became happier the relationship I had with my grandparents improved tremendously as I was no longer just living there, I was becoming a part of the family. You say "as I" twice in this sentence. You should say the same thing, but in a different way.

After I began to have empathy towards other students

I hope that in the future I will be able to achieve my goal of being a world renowned psychologist. This statement pops up with no introduction, you should add a little info about what made you interested/ inspired in psychology.

You are a very good writer, you story is enjoyable to read, and it is obvious you will be very successful. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'Hard work and a fluent Spanish speaker' - a personal quality, talent [2]

In school I would balance my time between class , work, and basketball/track practice but I would always get my schoolwork done.

Usually as the baby in the family not everything was handed to me but I was given what was needed and I would take advantage of all my opportunities. You could say: I was the baby of the family, and not everything was handed to me, although my basic needs were met, but I always took advantage of any opportunity. However, you probably want to split this into 2 sentences or shorten it somehow.

It got easier as my skills developed and I took advantage to continue getting better because I knew being a great athlete wasn't all that I needed to succeed so I figured I can use my talent to get into a good college. I love what you are saying here but try to be more clear, it sounds like you are rambling a bit.

Hard work spilled over into my school work and has made me a better more well rounded person . This is key. It is almost the most important thing you can say, so try to expand on this idea a bit. Try not to sound cliche' and be sure to lay out your short-term and long term goals.

Undergraduate / 'I loved looking at photographs' - FIT Essay [4]

I took eventually took my camera on our yearly family trips to Madrid and thinking that my pictures would turn out like Adam's and Stieglitz's, that didn't exactly happen. Re-word this sentence: Eventually, I took my camera on family trips to Madrid, expecting my photos to turn out like Adam's and Stieglitz's, but that didn't exactly happen.

I realized that I had to actually study and practice, a lot, the ins and outs of photography. Remove "a lot"

At this point I hadn't thought of photography as a career yet, it was only a hobby, but when my dad bought film transitioned from film to digital that's when I became more serious about photography. Re-structure this sentence, but keep the same content.

I confiscated the camera and started going around my city photographing the beaches and the Art Deco style buildings of Miami,... This is a very long sentence, I would split it into 2 shorter sentences.

After I graduated from high school I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with photography so I attended a community college and majored in Fashion Merchandising and at the same time I continued photographing and learning about the process. This sounds like you are rambling, simplify and shorten this into 2 sentences, perhaps.

Fashion Merchandising turned out to be very and I hated working in retail stores, I longed to do something more creative and fun, something that I unfulfilling would enjoy doing for the rest of my life. This sentence is unclear.

You are saying all of the right things, you just need to work on your grammar a bit. Remember to advertise yourself to the college as a person with a plan... that you have short-term and long term goals. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "My Semi-Redneck Life"-Common App Diversity Essay [6]

Well, you have painted a good picture of the town you came from! Nice writing. You have no grammar problems. Expand on this thought: I alienated myself from these "second-class citizens", and became somewhat outcast. Even though this was my home, I never truly felt at home. I wonder, if that is how you were raised, how did you know these people around you were lower class? What exactly was it that made you think that? The media? Or perhaps you had some richer, classier relatives or friends. In your paper be sure to state that you are a person with a plan for life, because this is the whole reason for the story you wrote.

Book Reports / The Role of Women in The Odyssey [2]

In the Odyssey, a myriad of examples

A prime example of the importance of the roles of women in the Odyssey is their roles as seductresses. Another way you could say this: The role of a seductress is a prime example of how important women's roles are in the Odyssey. I really like the way you wrote this paragraph, you have a few really good points.

I prefer to believe that Homer, once again, was trying to show the manipulative nature of women as Penelope exhibits many of the great attributes that Odysseus, a man, possesses. Are you sure? Penelope did what she had to do, showing her to be strong and stubborn- I see her as the female equivalent of her lost husband... But the Odyssey can be interpreted in a few different ways, so it is good that you show your own interpretation.

You show great writing ability and critical thinking skills, your grammar is fantastic. I hope this helps, good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'my education, community, and beliefs' - Description of the world I've come from [3]

Nice writing! I love the introduction and the topic. A few things that you could do:

Instead of saying the word picture twice, These photos are perfect examples of the saying 'a picture's worth a thousand words.'

They tell stories: it may be the story of when one got lost in the mall, or how a mannequin fell on top of one and cracked her head open (These may be from personal experience).

LOL I know what you are saying, but you may want to re-word this sentence.

reminiscing on moments that I had forgotten about reminiscing about forgotten moments

My childhood consisted of many important factors such as my education, community, and beliefs. I would say this differently. remove the word "factors"

My world is fairly typical now; I'm a high school girl living in a small town with a big dream. But I can guarantee that if I am accepted into this college, I will take my typical world and turn it into something extraordinary.

You have the right idea here, you are over-generalizing however. The university wants to know that you are a person with a plan, be sure to emphasize this. Your essay needs to show the reader that you have short-term and long term goals. You write well. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "The abortion: My decisions and adulthood, " -UC Prompt#2 [5]

They said that I am an adult when I take responsibility; otherwise I am still a child, regardless of my age.
This sentence is a little confusing... maybe say this: My parents defined an adult as a responsible person, and an irresponsible person will always remain a child, regardless of his age.

I like the statement "We had an abortion" because it shows that you and your partner made the decision together, and that means a lot. You stood by your woman and supported her emotionally (i assume) You could expand on how this made you feel, and how you became stronger by making this hard decision. (I see that you did this in your last paragraph, actually)

You are correct in your 2nd paragraph, sometimes you just have to jump into the pool instead of putting in one toe instead.
All you need to do now is add these things to your paper:
1)follow through with the beginning of the essay, add a line about your parents ( I am curious, did they know about the abortion?)
2)Remember to stress this: hardship has generated strength in you, and that has inspired you to make goals for yourself. Make sure it is evident that you have short-term and long-term goals-- that you are "a man with a plan"

You have a great story, Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Students and alumni I talked to in person' - Colorado College [5]

A few suggestions:

My parents saw the trip as a chance to teach me that hard work in high school paid off in the form of my choice of college. Was the purpose of this trip to teach you, or to encourage and inspire you? This sentence is a bit confusing, i know what you mean, but there must be other things that taught you that hard work pays off.

Nice job laying out your reasons for wanting to attend the college.

I do remember the enthusiasm and excitement that flowed out the alumni. maybe say... "emanated from the alumnus." (alumni is the plural form, btw)

That type of devotion is special, very few things in the world can inspire that intense of a reaction in someone.
This sound a little weird, this sentence could be said in a different way.

The enthusiasm that the ex-professor displayed for his alma mater was my first clue that Colorado College was something special.
I thought your first clue was that trip you took, maybe re-word this sentence.

You are doing great with your writing, flow, story, everything. it just needs a few tweaks here and there. Nice work!