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Posts by ah_zafari [Contributor]
Joined: Apr 7, 2012		 Last Post: Oct 25, 2017
Threads: 40
Posts: 672  
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From: Australia

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ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 30, 2013
Undergraduate / My interests are primarily in Atmosphere; letter of motivation [2]

I am applying for the Phd programme by XXXX because I match the various requirements in this area.My interests are primarily in Atmosphere in the earth system .I have good mathematical and programming skills. I have also been a bit concerned about environment since school days when I presented seminar on Environmental issues.

Do not say I have this I have that. You should introduce yourself and your abilities more fluently. Try to explain your strong point by giving some evidence and explaining your academic and professional experiences. You should convince the reader that you have got these capabilities.

I have got a Masterdegree, majoringin Science and Technology in Applied Geophysics, from Indian School of Mines, Dhanbad. My Masters' thesis, entitled "was on "Study on seismicity in IndoAustralian plate", focused on.We had fieldwork on geology and geophysics where we had to use electrical, electromagnetic, seismic methods to probe subsurface. The most attractive part of my studyI was particularly interested in structural and physical geology,properties of glaciers. (why was it interesting for you?)

it is not enough to just list your experiences. You need to mention what you could learn through the experiences. Talk about your interests and say why you are interested in this field of study

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 31, 2013
Writing Feedback / Trying new things and taking risks means to succeed [3]

I have my own reasons why I agree with the statement that successful people try new things and take risks. There are many viewpoints regarding what the main characteristics of successful people are. In my opinion, one of the main reasons for supporting this statement is that successful people can learn important and very valuable points from trying new things. The other reason is that great success requires taking great risks.

For writing an introduction you should start it with a motivator, then add the thesis and finally give your opinion. It is not a good idea to begin the introduction with something about your idea. The opening statement should provides some general information. The thesis introduces the main idea of the essay, and at the end of the introduction you mention your opinion to show that your are going to discuss which facet of the matter.

In sum, I believe that success and trying new things and taking risks go hand in hand and to achieve success you should consider them.

In the case of conclusion you need to reword the topic/thesis first, then write a clincher (ending statement). This is an "agree or disagree" topic, and you already mentioned your opinion in the introduction and you supported your opinion through the body paragraphs. So, you do not need to state your opinion in the conclusion again. For other types of topics you should give your opinion before stating a clincher.

Hope this helps
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Sep 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: A letter to the shop manager - 'it is broken' [11]

I need a lot of improvement. have you ever taken IELTS? can u advise me where I can get materials to prepare myself for the test?

Yes, I took an academic IELTS test more than one year ago, and now I am going to take a general one :(. With regard to materials I would recommend you to create a profile in IELTS-Blog.com website to get the recent tests' topics taken in different countries. In this blog you can also find good samples :)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Sep 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: THE MAPS / coastal resort of Templeton [2]

Hi,

The maps illustrate marked changes which have takentook place at the coastal resort of Templeton through/over the period offrom 1990 to 2005.
In 1990, the settlement was a much greener residential area with a large number of trees and individual houses, but during the next 15-year period the area witnessed a number of rapid changes. The most noticeable change wasis that all of the trees located in the south-west of the river were cut down, as well aswith all the houses being knocked down and were replaced bywith supermarkets and a new stretch of railway from the river running directly west (this sentence is too long.) . Moreover, a new ferry was also constructed next to the railway line.

In the south of the river, all of the trees were chopped down to build thea factory. Further developments were the construction of an airport near the north-east corner of the river. Only a few trees north of the river were remained and made way for the houses and apartments. Besides, new houses in the center of the town were built near the streets.

Overall, a comparison of the two maps reveals a change from a largely rural to a mainly urban landscapes.

You should write one paragraph about the area in 1990, and then mention the changes occurred over 15 years.

Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Sep 30, 2013
Writing Feedback / People naturally resist making changes in their lives.What kind of problems can this cause [4]

I think I used it correctly which was opposed to the two previous statement

don't think so. Through the first sentence you mentioned that the modern world has been a result of changes made by human beings. And you are continuing this idea over the next sentence, where you pointed out that new things could be invented by those who make changes in their lives. Do you think these two statements are different?
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Oct 8, 2013
Scholarship / MORAL EDUCATION; CCI PROGRAM/ Why Community College? [6]

I wasam the most excited person

Don't think this is a good statement to open the paragraph with. Write something more catchy.

. In my life I always want to try something new

---> I have always tried to experience new things

This program will get me ableenable me to getachieve more experiences so I am able to expose myself to be internationally-minded person and expanding my relation to many other countries around the world and learn more about different/variousmany cultures .

Although this program fields - early childhood education- is not suitable to my past education background , but I have so much to learn from my social activities.

I recommend you to delete this sentence. Just try to introduce yourself as a suitable person for this program. How the social activities could prepare you for this program (focus on this issue)

I'veI have (do not use contractions) realized that children should be given quality education should be provided for children from the beginning, n ot only a formal education but also a moral education

SoThus, I wanteddecided to dedicate myself to helping children's education and contribute more to the society by being a bridge that can share information and knowledge about early childhood education from various countries. Understand intercultural communication and international education experience(connect this sentence to the previous one by using a transition) . My dream/goal isI want to improve early childhood education in Indonesia, working at an international company for early childhood education (what did you try to say?) , positioned for contributing my ideas trough child development, or build a social child education foundation is what I expectedeagerly seek to do in mythe future. I would be very appreciativeappreciate if you would give me anand thankful that I was given the opportunity will be givento pursue my goals by accepting my request for being a part of the community college initiative program to help fulfill my dream.

hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Nov 12, 2013
Scholarship / 'specific area of interest' - Am a bit puzzled by this question [3]

within your proposed field of study , please describe your specific area of interest , your related experience ? How would this program related to , and build on your past education training , and experience

As you know each project or field of study includes different disciplines. For example, in the field of materials science, it includes nano-materials, ceramics, cermets, welding, corrosion science, etc. If a specific project has been proposed to you as a research student, you must think about different aspects of the project and then you can understand what aspect is in your interest. Connect this part of the project to your previous experiences, ie. professional, academic or personal experiences.

hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
May 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / Task 1 : Line graph essay of expenditure on phone services in America [4]

As long as i learn IELTS, the trend will be explained in overview paragraph and the introduction paragraph is paraphrasing of prompt.

up to you, but a one-row paragraph is a bit weird. by the way, what I suggested is what many academic writing books suggest. Anyway, you are free to choose what structure is more appropriate, but believe me i'm an experienced person in academic writing.

Good luck
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'career preparation' - reasons why people attend to schools [6]

Most of us go to college or university to get (get is informal) higher education after high school (the opening sentence is a motivator, which should be catchy. U chose to write something general as a motivator, which is OK, but try to make it a bit attractive :) . Each human is unique and so (So is a bit informal) do their reasons for going to college (at the first sentence u said many people go to college to get higher education and the second one mentions that there are several reasons. There is a contradiction between the sentences, try to make these two sentences as one) . Some attend college to get new experience or for carrer(career)preapartionspelling while others go there to have increased knowledge. (It would be better to clearly mention that this is your own opinion and at the end of that point out why you took this position briefly as blueprint. ) The ultimate reason for attending college is to have a better bright future with a promising career.

hope this helps,
Good luck,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Customs and behaviours followed by tourists or host should welcome. [8]

EventuallyIn conclusion , in the age of globalization era we cannot restrict cultural mobility. My opinion is to accept and spread variety of customs and manners in every corner of the world. AndTry to avoid starting a sentence with "and") tourism has a great role to build a multicultural world.

I do not score your work because of two reasons. First of all, I'm not an examiner, second of all, you do not need a score, what you need is practicing and improving your writing skill as mush as possible. Forget about score at this stage. You need to improve your vocabulary as well. Try to read different texts with various topics. In this way, you can ameliorate your writing and reading skills at the same time.

Wish you all the best my friend.
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 6, 2014
Speeches / Qualities of a good student - Prize Giving Day speech [3]

Qualities Of A Good Student

A good students is important because today's students are tomorrow's leaders

--> my suggestion: The vital role of high distinction students in he future of our society would become more obvious by reminding the statement that "today's students are tomorrow's leaders"

AH ardworking students is aare the students who focus inon their studies and ask their teachers if they docould not understand a topic or a concept

Do not blame other people and admit our mistakes .

--> didn't get why you added this statement!!! I think you need a transition to connect this sentence to what you were talking about in the previous sentence

maintain goodwelldisciplined

Remember , do not break the rules otherwise you will be punished bythe teachers

--> I think you need to revise this sentence. You need to show that obeying rules is a useful behavior and you want to follow the rules because of their advantages not because you r afraid of punishment :)))

I think you need to give a clear difinition of a good student. How can a good student influence the society in the future, as you said "today's students are tomorrow's leaders".

hOPE THIS HELPS,
cHEERS,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / parents were busier in the past - nowadays more of them are involved in their children's education [8]

Well, I find these ideas are not relevant to your topic

I agree with what Pahan said.

Parents' involvement includes education, health and physical fitness, mental and emotional development of the child, social skills, positive behavior and so on. So, do not narrow down the scope of your prompt to one particular aspect

Disagree with this one :( Pahan I think we need to pay attention to the keywords mentioned in the prompt. Have a look at the words highlighted below:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Parents today are more involved in their children's education than were parents in the past.

Sorry that I posted these comments, I just wanted to make the point clear :)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Increased taxation on petrol and diesel fuel to discourage private cars? [12]

While many believe that petrol and diesel fuel should be charged with the highest taxation

this thesis is not enough to convey the main idea of the essay. Why do this group of people believe a higher taxation rate must be applied on fuel? this point is not clear

I strongly disagree with this notion.

Why did u take this position? you need to briefly mention your reasons as "blueprint"

One can not deny the fact ...

this paragraph is not necessary, since the prompt asked you to give your own viewpoint, either agree or disagree. So, just focus on your opinion and support it.

Suppose that the those countries .

hope this helps,
Good luck,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Increased taxation on petrol and diesel fuel to discourage private cars? [12]

What do you mean by "this position" ?

Position means your opinion (agree or disagree). In this case your position is your disagreement with the statement pointed out in the topic.

I have seen a few essays did include the for along with the against, will my score lowered if I include both views?

Some examiners are strict and may reduce your mark if you do that, because for writing an essay you need to exactly answer what the topic asks. The topic did not ask you to discuss two different viewpoints (this is another type of topic, where you may see a sentence like "discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion"). The prompt is an "agree OR disagree" one and u need to take only one position, either agree or disagree, and support your opinion through 2 or 3 paragraphs.

Hope this helps,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Customs and behaviours followed by tourists or host should welcome. [8]

You mean "Writing Task 2" should also be highlighted?

No, what's the topic of your essay? Is that an "agree or disagree" one? Does the prompt ask you to discuss two viewpoints? Does the topic ask to write about advantages & disadvantages of sth?
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / There are more benefits to travel in your own country than travelling in foreign [4]

Please post the full topic for the next time, cause it helps us know what topic it is
Over the last decade, the number of domestic and international travellers has significantly increased the world over(I prefer "all around the world". what u wrote was fine though) . While some opine that there are more advantages in a domestic travel, others argue that overseas travel has potential benefits. To my mind, the positives of local travel are on par with international travel (It would be better if you could briefly mention why you took this position (blueprint). good introduction though) .

On the one hand, there are many pros of travelling in our own country. The primary advantage is that there is no visa required for travelling inside the nation. For example, a friend of mine has been rejected US visa 6(write the numbers below 10 in words) times even though he provided genuine documents. AtIn the end, he planned one month trip to North India after wasting 3 months in preparing documents for visa application. From this, it is clear that domestic travel has substantial benefits. (when you use the phrases like "many pros", "the primary advantage" the reader expects to read more than one advantages through the paragraph, while u just talked about only one benefit of domestic travelling)

(what kind of topic is this? If it is an "agree or disagree" topic you need to take one position, either agree or disagree, and then support your opinion over at least two paragraphs) On the other hand, one of the main advantages of international travel is the exposure that a traveler gets towards different cultures. For instance, I went to Australia for my higher education in 2008. In addition to my studies, I learned many things about the people and their habits (what habits are u addressing? If you state more details you can make the supporting sentence more believable and tangible.) . In fact, I came to know about the meaning of life by socialising with people from a wide variety of backgrounds. While considering this, it is agreed that travelling to foreign lands will be an advantage.

As this essay showsAccording to what was discussed above, it can be concluded that there are equal number of benefits of domestic and international travel, in my opinion,(a bit hard to come to this conclusion by stating only one benefit of each type of travelling. I mean it is not that convincing. If this topic is an "advantages and disadvantages" one, the better idea is to point out more advantages for one of them, either local or overseas travelling, and then get to the conclusion that the advantages of local traveling, for example, is more than the international one). people should make use of these while planning trips. It is hoped that the public will increase their local and overseas travel in the future.

Please add the prompt for the next time. Different topics need different structures and organization of paragraphs.
Hope you find the comments helpful,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS pie chart and table - agricultural crisis [6]

Overall, the region affected by majority of land degradation during 1990 was Europe. Whereas, the main reason of land degradation all over the world was over-grazing (It is much better to move this general trend to the end of the introduction. The conclusion must be something on the basis of the body, which is different from general trend.) .

Good job,
Hope you find the comments useful.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / When I was 8 years old, I learnt how to play a guitar and sing popular songs [3]

Can u please post the prompt? What is the aim of this essay?

so that quickly I was able to quickly learn how to play songs by myself.

---> I prefer to use "After a short time" instead of "quickly".

eventually, my interest migrated to the English composers (why???) , particularly "The Beatles" and "The Moody Blues".

I've

Do not use constrictions in writing (if it is a formal writing)

I didn't want to do it anymore.

Why???

Good luck,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree? People should read only real books. [5]

Please use the following structure for writing an essay (an "agree or disagree" one):
1. Introduction: Motivator+ thesis statement+ your own opinion (either agree or disagree)+ blueprint
2. Body paragraph 1 (Topic sentence, including general and precise ideas + one supporting sentence, which can be an example, statistics, quotations, a study conducted by a researcher, etc.)

3. Body paragraph 2
4. Conclusion: reword the topic or the first paragraph+ ending statement or clincher

For other types of topics different structures are suggested, but first start with this type.
Read as many texts as possible to improve your grammar and vocabulary.

Hope this helps.
Good luck,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'The apple never falls far from the tree' - Parents should teach children [10]

Therefore, I too believe that the personality of a child is mainly formed at home and depends on parents.

It would be better to mention why you took this position. Based on what main issues you think parents influence socialization process more effectively than teachers?

Although you are good in grammar, in a real IELTS test your mark would be very low, if you write a one-body paragraph essay. You need at least TWO body paragraphs to support your ideas. Is this an "agree or disagree" topic? If yes, you do not need to cover both viewpoints stated in the topic, just focus on YOUR OWN OPINION, either agree or disagree with the topic.

This body paragraph does not have a good topic sentence. A topic sentence includes two main parts: General idea and precise idea. So, stick to this structure to make it clear for the reader what you want to say through a paragraph.

If the topic asked you to discuss both viewpoints and give your opinion, you should have allocated one paragraph to each opinion, and then pointed out your own opinion in concluding paragraph.

Let's assume the topic was an "agree or disagree" one. So, I recommend you to follow the structure written below:
Introduction: Motivator+ thesis statement+your own opinion+ blueprint (the reasons why you are in agreement/disagreement with the topic. It must be very short, 2 or 3 words)

Body paragraph one (topic sentence+supporting sentence+ concluding sentence (optional)
Body paragraph two
Conclusion: reword the thesis statement+clincher

Actually, you wrote a good introduction, and i also liked your supporting sentences, but there were some issues with the essay's structure that I stated above.

Hope this helps,
Good luck,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 14, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'The apple never falls far from the tree' - Parents should teach children [10]

Can you please post the full prompt to see what type of topic it is?? if it is "agree or disagree" you need to just take one position, because of "OR". The "OR" means that you can either be in agreement OR disagreement with the statement. If it is a topic that asked you to argue two different viewpoints, you needed one paragraph for each, as I mentioned earlier. In each paragraph you have to provide some supporting sentences for each side of the discussion, each paragraph needs its own topic sentence.

You can continue writing your essays using the same structure you applied on this essay, but believe me, this structure is not appropriate for the IELTS test.

Good luck
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS : Could Fame Be All Good? [10]

Just some minor points:

With their great achievements, they become proud manpeople

a Malaysia's national badminton player

:)
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS : Could Fame Be All Good? [10]

The glamour lifestyle is an identity of famous people. (HOOK)
In this way, a celebrity faces some problems which are a balance impact as well as demerits. (Background)
Personally, I believe that being a celebrity beats more advantages, while the negative impacts are chasing behind popularity. (Thesis)

Hi tiaDS,
If you don't mind I would like to put some comments on this introduction. First of all, thesis is not your opinion. In fact, thesis depicts the main idea of the essay. To write a thesis statement you need to reword the topic. And background is also a different thing. Each introduction should be started with a motivator or a hook, as u said. A motivator can provide some general information too. So, motivator and general background are literally the same. So, an introduction starts with a motivator, then thesis, and finally your opinion and blueprint.

Second of all, it would be better to mention your opinion in the conclusion when you are writing an essay which is not an "agree or disagree" type. Different writing experts have different opinions about the later point though.

Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS : Could Fame Be All Good? [10]

I just wrote what came to my mind as an example. What you wrote as an introduction was fine though. But the following example may give you some ideas to improve what you've already known about introduction's structure.

Celebrities have always been the center of people's and media's attention due to their newsworthy lifestyle (general information as a motivator) . Having attention of people has always brought both advantages and disadvantages to famous individuals. The question goes through the mind is that "do the benefits of being a celebrity outweigh its downsides?" (thesis statement which shows what is the main idea of the essay) . To answer this question both sides of the issue, either advantages and disadvantages, must be asserted (blueprint. This sentence shows that what issues are going to be discussed in the body) .

Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jun 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / divorce: Causes and effects on children [11]

How can we help you?
I think it's a good idea to post one of the essays you've recently written. Other people will comment on your work and show you how to organize your essay, what transitions are appropriate to be used, etc.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jul 29, 2014
Writing Feedback / 'children in Gaza' - Pre-Toefl - Childhood is not always a happiest time of people's life [6]

Is this work supposed to be an essay? I'm not familiar with TOEFL test, but if you want to write an essay you need to follow the structure I've written below (please let me know what your work is exactly about, if I am wrong):

1. Introduction [motivator+thesis+your own opinion+blueprint]
2. body paragraph [topic sentence + supporting statement+ concluding statement (optional)]
3. body paragraph
4. conclusion [reword thesis and then add a clincher]

hope this helps,
Regards,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jul 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / 'children in Gaza' - Pre-Toefl - Childhood is not always a happiest time of people's life [6]

I strongly recommend you to read the book "The Practical Writer with Readings". This book starts with paragraph writing and finally guides you how to write a 5 paragraph essay. Very interesting and helpful book. You can find download links if simply google the title of the book. OR the easier way is that to provide me with an email address to send the book to you. Cheers,

Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'Women absolutely dominate in two fields' - male and female teachers [8]

There are several issues with your essay. First of all, you need to classify the data given in a table, chart, etc., then allocate one paragraph to each category of results. Organization of data is really really important. Second of all, you HAVE TO compare data to each other. How much sth is bigger or smaller than sth else. You also need to use better vocabulary, avoid any repetition. Please, pay attention to the time and place as well. And finally, use transitions to connect sentences to each other; For example: "interestingly the graph shows ...", "the table is indicative of the fact that...", "The graph also indicates that...", "The results revealed ...", and the like)

Hope you find the comments helpful,
Good luck. Cheers, Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 23, 2014
Grammar, Usage / Deep sea conditions / process of custard making - answering grammar questions [2]

For question 9, the correct answer is E.
shouldn't it be coldness not cold?

if you mean that a noun is required, you should know that "cold" can be either adjective and noun.

For question 7, the correct answer is E
what's wrong with answer choice D?

The sentence is in passive voice. "if allowed"--> "if it is allowed", so it is better to write the entire sentence in passive voice.
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / What is one important "easy answer" that we should resist? what dangerous misconceptions hold? [6]

I think you need to organize your ideas more wisely. What I suggest is that to start each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence. You need to let the reader know what topic is going to be discussed in each paragraph. You provided many examples in the body section, but I, as a reader, couldn't get what each paragraph aims to convey. Make your ideas more clear and classified.

And it is better to end the essay with a conclusion.

Hope the comments help,
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Aug 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / What is one important "easy answer" that we should resist? what dangerous misconceptions hold? [6]

I don know what criteria your mentor is going to consider for marking your work, but in the IELTS/TOEFL writing point of view an essay without a conclusion is viewed as an incomplete essay, and thus, no mark is allocated to it. But, let's ignore the latter point, and score your essay, even though I'm not an examiner. I would score the essay based on three parameters as follows:

1. Vocabulary: 10 out of 12
2. Grammar: 7.5 out of 12 (there were lots of grammar errors in your essay, especially in terms of tenses)
3. Organization of ideas: 7 out of 12
so the average of the points is 8. This is just my opinion, and it is not necessarily your mark. You may get a better score than this. Don't take this score serious plz :))

Good luck,
Cheers, Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / How do you show your appreciation to your family and friends-agree or disagree [4]

Topic: Some people view giving presents as important way to show care to family and friends, others think there are more important things can be done to show care and appreciation. Do you agree or disagree?

We all start our social life in a family as the smallest social unit and expand it by making new friends outsides our families. Being in contact with family members and friends for the majority of our time builds strong emotional bonds among us. Thus, it is obvious that we seek a way to show how much we love them and how important they are for us. Some people believe that providing their families and friends with gifts is the best approach for this purpose, while others think being caring and respectful toward people we love does not limit to gifts and we should do much more in this respect. I utterly agree with the latter opinion because of financial and psychological reasons.

To begin with, people can deeply feel our love and respect when they receive a help at hard situations, especially when they encounter to hardships. To be precise, a family that cannot afford the living costs, including rent or even foods prices, need financial supports more than a gift. If a family member, who is in a better economic condition, grants them with some money they will remember that help for their entire life, which is undoubtedly much worthier than a present.

Moreover, sometimes we need someone to turn to when we feel loneliness and break down mentally. Fostering emotional bonds between people who are in a relationship or a part of a family is the best way for showing their respect to each other, which is not replaceable with any other way. As an example, elderly are usually left aloof and complain about loneliness. The biggest help they can receive is that their children frequently visit them to put them in a better mental condition. This behaviour would be the best present someone can gain.

In conclusion, providing friends and families with gifts and helps are two different approaches people may choose to show how they care about them. In light of the aforementioned facts one can easily conclude that producing strong attachments with people we love is a precious gift lasts for a lifetime period and is not forgettable like normal presents.

Thanks in advance for your help
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 15, 2015
Undergraduate / If my father hadn't won a lottery for a visa to the USA then my life would be terribly different [4]

Can u provide us with full prompt?

then my life would be terribly different

omg, this sentence is too negative. Life is going on in other countries too. Many people live outside the US and they are way happier than Americans. I know what you meant but your sentence conveys a very wrong message. revise it plz.

I wouldn't have had the fortune of living in one of the wealthiest areas or the opportunity to attend school in one of the best school systems in the United States.

delete that part I mentioned above and combine the first sentence and this sentence as one. btw, I think this opening statement could be a bit more interesting. I mean "american dreams" or "having good education systems" sounds cliche (just my opinion)

My suggestion: I think you should open the essay with a statement about people who do not have access to high quality education, then connect it to your experience. Talk in details about your experience in the body section and finally come to the conclusion that you, as a person who had a chance to study in a wold-class education system, can make a better contribution to the society or you can also add those people who worked hard to study in the hardest situation one can ever imagine have inspired you.

hope this helps
Cheers,
Ahmad
ah_zafari  [Contributor]  
Jan 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / How do you show your appreciation to your family and friends-agree or disagree [4]

Thank you very much for your feedback. Actually this topic is really confusing as an "agree or disagree" usually starts with a statement and asks us to say to what extend we agree or disagree with the statement. In this topic there are two different viewpoints and it is asked whether I agree or disagree. Agree or disagree with what? agree or disagree with the fact that there are two viewpoints?!!! isn't it strange? actually this is a topic an IELTS taker posted on a weblog and I think it should be a kind of topic that asks to argue over both viewpoints. If this were the case, I would write one paragraph about physical gifts, one paragraph social presents and finally give my own opinion, as you somehow suggested. But the topic is agree or disagree and I had to choose one side. Do you think the topic could have been a different type and the IELTS taker might reword the topic in a wrong way? Do you think I am right about what said above?

btw, did you see any grammar errors or wrong choice of words?

Thanks again for your help. Really appreciate it

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