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Posts by college134nj
Joined: Nov 22, 2012
Last Post: Jan 1, 2013
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Posts: 44  
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From: United States of America

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college134nj   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Synthesized Voices; Common App/ Creative Work [4]

interesting! i'd keep the italics... it was hilarious to read! i laughed so much!!! (a fellow JB anti-fan) and it will make the adcoms remember ur essay.
college134nj   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Power of experience; Common App/ Significant experience [3]

IT's WONDERFUL! My only suggestion is to merge some of the paragraphs to become bigger, more substantive ones. cause it almost feels like every other sentence is its own paragraph. remember, paragraph is used to separate ideas. with connected ideas, i'd merge them together. it makes it much easier to read. really.
college134nj   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / Happiness matters to me; Stanford supplement [6]

well, i think u should stay true to who u are. if that's who u are, then keep it in - the reader can get to know u that way... IMO.
college134nj   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / Leaving the Tribe; Common App/ Parting between two people [6]

so... is this or is this not an admissions essay? if it is, then i'd go with the other posters and advise u to rewrite it. but if it's an assignment for college, this is BRILLIANT. hands down BRILLIANT. i read the poetry - it's so touching and poetic. and very literary...

only advice that i have is that the end, about fate, feels slightly irrelevant. at least, connect it back to parting - how parting is a result of fate, god's will, etc.

i can only say that ur "essay"left me AWESTRUCK.
college134nj   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / Happiness matters to me; Stanford supplement [6]

OMG - I LOVE it!!! it's SUPER unique. who else writes about happiness? and u hit the nail on the head to your personality - tho i dont know u personally, i can infer so much about how you think and who u are. WONDERFUL. i wouldn't change a thing (voice and topic-wise).
college134nj   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / Nothing comes easy ; Johns Hopkins/ Something about Me [9]

guys... if i remember correctly, i think that they don't want it to be a formal essay. i think it is excellent as-is - it says a lot about you that is implied. they dont want a formal essay. they want to know more about you. it says plenty about u already, IMO.
college134nj   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / Web Development and machine Learning;Princeton supplement /Last two summers [3]

good overall... but i think the nature of this essay is that they want u to get straight to the point. "What did u do the last 2 summers?" - so I'd remove the first sentence... i kno there are multiple approaches to this essay, but I'd just go straight out and list what I did over summer. tell them what you did, iwth some description... dont make it too "essay" like cause IMO its meant to be more like a short answer than an essay...

Differentiate more between last summer and the summer before that.
college134nj   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / Young lady named Kelly; Stanford Common App [4]

OMG - I was laughing like nonstop. they'll LOVE it - it's super original and witty, compared to all those boring run-off-the-mill personal statements, urs will stand out for sure.
college134nj   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Why Yale? Candidness in teaching - Yale Supp [5]

i think they are rather unique. I like some of your answers - especially the advice, moment in history, wish you were better at something.

They really bring out your personality, and though i dont know you, i can get a good idea of what kind of person you are. i'm sure your why yale essay will stand out among those who write about the campus, etc.
college134nj   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / Harvard commonapp supplement essays- about use of education [8]

i think it's really coherent and flows well. Good job! just remove that "PROGRAMMING - 11 char word" thing since it's WAY too cheesy. seriously. other than that, excellent. ur voice comes through extremely well.
college134nj   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The unity of music' - What matters to you and why? Stanford [4]

i actually think the part about music is good - it's an example for why teamwork matters to you. keep it. it's a great topic and the way you wrote it is very effective. i could definitely sense that team work throughout.
college134nj   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / "Broken Bow" MIT Challenge Prompt - [4]

good... shows how u overcome failure and shows that you care more about it than about awards.

it shows your passion. :)
college134nj   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / William and Mary Supplement Essay- Why I Don't Believe In Punching Pillows [5]

i think this essay is exemplary. really, it's unique, creative... and will make them smile. for sure... it's out-of-the-box. no question.
make some of those comments above, and i think u'll get in easily...

seriously, it's brilliant. wish i could write like that.
college134nj   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / UChic Supplement Essay about the archnemesis. IS IT OUT OF TOPIC OR TOO RISKY? [5]

woah... very interesting to read... BUT
I need to bring u back to reality. though its Uchicago, and they like quirky and random, this tells ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about you. NOTHING. Nothing except that ur a great writer... but they already will be able to tell that from your SAT/ACT/other essays...

plus, if ur good at writing, itll show through no matter what u write on.

i suggest...
SCRATCH THIS. it's interesting - like maybe submit to a litmag or something, but DO NOT send this to a college as an essay.

remember, the purpose of essays is to TELL SOMETHING ABOUT YOU - not something fake or some fake world or a book.
look, if they wanted fiction, they'd go and read James bond or something.

and, another tip, NEVER write about killing. Killing = really really bad, it shows that ur merciless and nobody wants a mercenary. seriously, no matter how creative, killing = bad for universities.

that said, gl.
college134nj   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / Shifting to a different city? Commonapp / Signicant experience [6]

well... i think you should try to focus on one. since imo, seems that drama made you change more from quiet to involved and interested, you should focus on drama instead. focus on that change - how you felt. what about drama brought this change? to me, it almost seems like tennis has nothing to do with how you became better after your big move. it is distracting... so i suggest, FOCUS ON DRAMA. write about how it changed you, and how you'd never have gotten to do drama if you were wherever you were before you moved.

hope this helps!
college134nj
college134nj   
Dec 16, 2012
Undergraduate / Exodus to epiphany - Common App Essay! [17]

You know, this feels so much more suspenseful. so real, like it;s really happening, IMO. it makes me feel sympathetic and sad for the egyptians... and its really detailed. very good.

the reason i believe the other one was better was because this seems too cheesy... "now know the true meaning behind helping" is really, really cliche/cheesy. not original. doesnt sound real, even if it is... I would go with the previous one that i mentioned... i like that so much better since it's descriptive. i think you will bring out emotion in the reader in the draft i quoted, IMO.

hope this helps.
college134nj   
Dec 5, 2012
Undergraduate / Hi! My future amigo; Stanford Roommate essay [4]

with love is a bit extreme... try some other salutation.
"so the next thing you will see is a room..." sounds awkward. just say something like "my room will be filled with books..." to sound more normal.

gl!