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Posts by Pahan
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Sep 3, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 1,906  
Likes: 553
From: Sri Lanka

Displayed posts: 1907 / page 2 of 48
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Pahan   
Jul 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; School teachers used to be the source of information [3]

In the past few decades, teachers arewere considered to be the main rolesfigures in the process of delivering knowledge. But now there is a view that students can acquire knowledge from the other wayssources tooinstead of teachers. Personally, I think teachers are still importantfor us because of some irreplaceable factors.still pay an important role in delivering knowledge to the students.
Pahan   
Jul 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / Video games are harmless fun. Disagree or Agree? [4]

It is undeniable that video games should have already become valuable source of learning and recreation for young people. Firstly, these provide an excessive of educational benefits. In particular, computer games help children not only develop problem-solving and analytical skills, such as drawing conclusion, seeking alternatives and making predictions, but also increase cognitive skills and encourage practical experience. Moreover, this kind of entertainment encourages creativity,initiativesinattentiveness and mental power.as well as isThey are also used to teach and reinforce academic subjects such as enhancing mathematical and physical skills.
Pahan   
Jun 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / If people have opportunity to get a secure job, they should take it right awayI [5]

Secure job is not motivating certainly.

.... well, I have a problem with this sentence. I agree that secure job is not necessarily be a motivating factor. However, it is certainly helps a person being demotivated. What if a person doing a job which does not provide him any job security? Wouldn't that be a mental agony for that person? So, I think this is how you should put this idea to the reader;

Secure job alone does not makes a person motivated.
Pahan   
Jun 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Share expenditure for selected categories in four countries [9]

A closer look at the data reveals that Canadians spent muchmore money for the cost of transportation at around 20 percent of share expenditure, while Japanese recorded the lowest percentage of spending on this category andthough it could be seen doubled amount of Canada's transportation figure.

Good writing :) When is your exam?
Pahan   
Jun 6, 2014
Undergraduate / Is it true, that one can always find opportunity, even in trouble? [6]

Troubles are part of our life. (good hook) Everyone has got problems and issuestroubles( I removed the word troubles as I find it is a bit repetitive) in their life but it doesn't mean they loose their hope for the sake of the problems, they are going throughfor a better future. One should always try to overcome the troubles (no comma) they are facing, in a way that no one get hurts. It's necessary to be calm and patient when you are even in trouble because one can't find anywouldn't find the best solution in panic.
Pahan   
Jun 6, 2014
Writing Feedback / parents were busier in the past - nowadays more of them are involved in their children's education [8]

In today's world, education plays an important role in everyone's life. Therefore, people tend to pay attention to it more than the past. As far as I am concerned, there are two different ideas about this question.

Well, I find these ideas are not relevant to your topic. In the prompt which is -

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Parents today are more involved in their children's education than were parents in the past.

, it is not anywhere mentioned that it talks about education. It talks about the parents' involvement with their children in which education can be just one aspect. Parents' involvement includes education, health and physical fitness, mental and emotional development of the child, social skills, positive behavior and so on. So, do not narrow down the scope of your prompt to one particular aspect. Read the prompt very carefully and introduce the right idea to the reader through your intro.
Pahan   
May 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: young school leavers have a negative attitude towards learning [7]

This can be solved by letting them know how happy they arewill be when they haveget a chance to go to schools. (this sentence is too long. So better stop at this point) andFurther, it is important to showshowing them that the vast majority of children in certain poor countries throughout the world are lacking education due to povertyare deprived of a proper education due to poverty.

could you guys check it to give me some better sentences that can replace mine, i wrote this essay within 35 minutes , is it too long with 349 words??? thanks

This is not too bad :) You write well and you can certainly improve a lot with practice :)
Pahan   
May 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Letter to a friend - he agreed to look after your house and pet [4]

I am very happy that you have agreed to look after my house and pet while am away for two weeks.

... don't you thank this person for undertaking such great responsibilities? :D
I am so glad that you agreed to look after my pet and the house while I am away and thank you so much for that. You indeed are a great friend.

My flight as been scheduled for on the 8 of March. I would like you to come and live in my house while I am away.
In the case of emergency you can send be a message via yahoo or you can even ring my cousin Faith on 0049755478 whose house I will be staying.

... tell him the return date too;

As planned, I will be leaving on the 3rd March and be back on the 5th April. I have cleaned up the house and made all arrangements for you to have a comfortable stay in my house during my absence. In any emergency, you may ring me on 0049755478. This is the number of my cousin, Faith with whom I will be staying.
Pahan   
May 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Tourism: good or bad? - it's a modern form of colonialism [14]

In order to turn a wilderness into a place of attraction, the planners must have taken the nourishment of the sceneries into thorough consideration.

I feel the middle part of this sentence is a bit overly done :( ...."nourishment of the sceneries"? ... I agree with dumi on this;

You write well, but give more priority for clarity of your ideas :)

Also, in this second para, you talk about the other side of the argument. However, your prompt asks you to -

To what extent would you support or reject this idea?

and in the introduction you say -

However, I strongly disagree with this misconcept for the two following reasons.

... So, why do you talk about the opposite side of your view? In the body paras, you need to keep defending your view by giving reasons as to why you hold that view and supporting those reasons with examples.
Pahan   
May 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Introductions; living in modern world/ world poverty/ traffic problem [6]

every aspect

every aspect / all aspects
The twentieth century has seen a lot ofmany great changes taken place in every aspectsaspect of life.
This causes both travelling difficultydifficulties and enviromentalenvironmental damages.

Your approach for the first two essays looks alright. However, in the third one, you do not introduce the background of the issue adequately. Before expressing your own opinion on the issue, introduce the issue to the reader.

I find you write extremely well. Move into the other parts of the essay - body paras and the conclusion
Pahan   
May 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The number of visitors to three London museums. [8]

In June, the highest number of travelers was recorded by the British museum at 600.000 visitors, whereas the Natural history museum caught by nearly400 thousands visitor

... It is better you compared both Natural history museum and Science museum to give it a more complete finish. Also, the figure for Natural history museum is wrong here. It should be 550000 visitors. Science museum had 400000 :) You have to be very very careful with figures in this task ! This is what I suggest;

In June, British museum recorded the highest number of visitors in comparison with Natural history museum and Science museum, which accounted to 600,000 people. The Natural history museum had nearly 400,000 visitors and the Science museum, which recorded the least number of visitors, had been visited by 400000 people.
Pahan   
May 20, 2014
Undergraduate / Reasons why you wish to attend APU - STUDYING ABROAD [5]

Being able to live in Asia and still be connected with all types of different cultured people from around the world.across the globe,I think it will help me tobroaden my perspectives byassimilate assimilating other's culture and traditions and interacting with people all around the world. It has international week where people not only can learn about different cultures, but also can celebrate themthe event together.
Pahan   
May 20, 2014
Undergraduate / This is my personal statement prompt 1; My grandfather Lee [5]

Elderly man told us that nine years ago, he hasn'twasn't feeling longelylonely because there arewere more than 500 pieces of warm hearts to accompany him. Our arrival brought a lot of joy to him. In fact, for us, his dependence and likegratitude mademakes us satisfactionextremely pleased ,too.
Pahan   
May 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: factor of choosing a career. [9]

Further and even more importantly, most of the satisfaction of a job comes to people from their professional achievements, skills and the position they reach. In other words, career promotion or getting some kind of credit from the administration of a company or organization are, likely, more enjoyable achievements than getting a high salary.

This sentence is pretty long. When you write longer sentences, the reader has to keep memorizing the details which would not please him. So he would not take much interest to follow your essay. Therefore it is not very wise to write very long sentences. You need to impress your examiner and therefore give the guy less work if you are keen on earning good marks from him :D
Pahan   
May 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE: fields of study in which students are unlikely to succeed should be banned [5]

Based on this knowledge, they can better choose their field of education for themselves rather than an outsider choosing the same on their behalf.

Students may not always have a choice of pursuing the field that interests them. Many of my classmates at high school had intention of joining the medical college only because their parents wanted them to. In this case, educational institutes should have intervened and helped students to find out their interests and parental sessions might have been conducted too. Still, no discouragement should be shown to such students for whatever they decide to choose in the end.

Here you should have talked about the role that this interest plays in their success , especially in their future careers. That is the most important point here.
Pahan   
May 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE Essay: Scandals are useful because they focus our attention [3]

It certainly brings to focus, the issues that existsexist in society but are often not highlighted enough for common man.

Scandals often bring hot news for people whether involving public at large or just a few individuals. It certainly brings to focus, the issues that exists in society but are often not highlighted enough for common man. However, their single sided representation cannot be considered useful as it might enrage some false emotions.

Impressive introduction :)

It is easy to grab a piece of news featured in a magazine or broadcasted through television. But it is extremely difficult to detect the hidden, intricate details and analyze the issue from different perspectives. Most often, the news is sliced up in an opinion making it difficult to form any personal opinions.

Recently, Donald Sterling's racist comments were brought to light. Being himself involved with a sport which is predominantly played by dark skinned players, his comments were thought to be moronic at best. The remarks successfully enraged most of the country yet, many failed to realize that such recordings were probably breaching privacy. And when Edward Snowden fights for our privacy, he's a hero!

... why do you have two paras for these ideas? The first one is one reason you choose to justify your position on the issue and second one is the example you use to support that reason. They both speak the same idea and hence they should be in one para.
Pahan   
May 20, 2014
Undergraduate / ready for a new start ~ readmit essay [2]

Having just graduated from high school, I thought I could handle a full 18 hour course load as well aswhile maintaining a full time job.

Once the semester began, I felt a little overwhelmed, but I thought I could toughrough it out.

When grades came out, I realized that I had not done as well as I was hoping for.

... I wish you link this better with the whole idea to arrange a smoother flow.
When the grades got affected, I realized my decisions were not so practical.
Pahan   
May 19, 2014
Undergraduate / How my family shaped who I am today [3]

My family has shaped the person I am today.

It is my father's influence that shaped me into the person who I am today.

He was gone all the time but still managed to get food on the table

He was not there all the time,but still managed to have food on the table.

While living there my mom always left

.... What does this mean? She left for what? work? or did she leave you all too? You need to rephrase this sentence as it is not very clear :(
Pahan   
May 19, 2014
Letters / How to write a formal apology letter? Explaining a catering problem [4]

want to know how I can write
A formal letter of apology from airline
To a costumer
Explaining a catering problem
And a baggage problem. Happened on arrival at the airport
And the rude behavior of an C.A

Can any body help.

First, you need to do drafts for these and post them here. Then we can provide our feedbacks as to how you can improve.
Please accept this letter as our formal apology for whatthe incident that took place athappened on {location, event, issue, etc...} on {MM/DD/YYYY}. While this is by no means an excuse for {my behavior, what happened, etc...}justifying the unfortunate scene, we feel knowing the cause will help us guard against future mistakes.
Pahan   
May 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing: Handmade objects are more beneficial than machine made ones [4]

It's good if you included the prompt in your post so that we get a clear idea as to what it expects from you. Your topic alone is not enough for that purpose. I assume this is Agree/Disagree type of essay.

Overall, I think this essay is very well written. You have excellent grammar and impressive vocabulary. Have you managed time and finished this in 30 mins?
Pahan   
May 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - International tourism leads to both - tension and understanding [5]

For example, IndiansHindus in India don't eat beef since they worship cows. Thus, if tourists want to respect the tradition, they will not order anyavoid eating beef in thelocal restaurant.while they tour in India, especially in the areas of Hindu majority.

On the other hand, in order to avoid the conflicts between foreigners and locals, people are tryingshould attemp t to understand and appreciate different cultures and find solutions.traditions.
Pahan   
May 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should children start learning foreign language as soon as they start school [3]

In my opinion, it will be of great importance to study a non-native language as soon as we go to school.start schooling.

First of all, foreign language is on the demand for globalisation.

... this sentence is meaningless and also pretty confusing :(
First of all, the knowledge of a foreign language would be very important in today's highly globalized wold.

Secondly, when saying of learning foreign language, we can not help mentioning the importance of it in broadening our knowledge

This type of sentences sound pretty redundant. Avoid having redundant sentences as they tend to make the reader bored.
Pahan   
May 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - The option to work or study from home is advantage or disadvantage [7]

On the one hand, the benefit that professionals or students get by connecting from home is enormous. For one,First, it helps working people to maintain work lifea proper balance betwen work and family life. The best example is the newa mother with a newly born baby . whoShe can joindo her work as well as take care of her baby.
Pahan   
May 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / Public health improvement essay - number of facilities [3]

First of all, enhancing the number of sporting facilities will certain have positive effects on people's health. For example, the easier access to the equipmentsport facilities such as grounds, gymnasiums etc. , will enhance the number of locals doing regular exercise.

In today's modern era, public health is threatened by many different factors. However, among the most debated one is lack of sports facilities. Some believes that the best way to improve health of residents is by increasing the number of sports facilities whereas others refute by highlighting other aspects. To see how valid this argument is, we have to look at both the sides of the debate.

Follow dumi's approach for intro because it helps you earn good marks while handling your time for the task very efficiently.
Pahan   
May 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Essay: Kindly check the response and advice accordingly. [6]

This is just a small tip to practice at the exam - Leave a blank line between your paragraphs as it is pretty difficult for the reader to understand the different parts of your essay. Your examiner too might experience the same difficulty and therefore it is better if you improve the presentation of your overall essay. Without any doubt, you display excellent writing skills :) So, present your essay to be more appealing :)
Pahan   
May 18, 2014
Scholarship / Scholarship essay as an Energy Economist.. [4]

With the skills and experience gained from my master's degree studies, I will contribute greatly to Ghana's energy development by supporting the economic and finance components of the energy sector specifically as an energy economist- applying different methods of energy appraisals to government specified goals, development and advisory; with the aim to encourage investment in modern forms of renewable energy and infrastructure expansion to increase power supply.

This is too long :( When you lengthen the sentences , the reader's interest would also start to decline as the reader needs to memorize too many details :( Write shorter sentences and avoid repeating the same idea.

With the skills and experience gained from my master's degreepost graduate studies, I will contribute greatly to Ghana's energy development by supporting the economic and finance components of the energy sector. (stop here and start a new sentence for the next idea)
Pahan   
May 18, 2014
Graduate / Bachelor's Degree in Architecture from Iran; Statement Of Purpose SCAD [7]

Always I like do design buildings and I enjoy it when I start to think about how I can design a new building, ...

.... this sentence is way too long and it makes the reader really bored. There is lots of redundancy too ;

Always I always like doto design buildings and I enjoy it when I start to think about how I can design a new building,love this experience. (you are repeating the same idea here) I can't feel how time has passed and I build my design in my mind with all of the details and until I finish my design I think about my work in bed, bathroom, when I driving a car and so forth and I can't stopped it then I finish my design I move it from my head to paper or computer and this work is the best hobby for me and I never been tired when I work.... I think this is a bit overly done :(
Pahan   
May 18, 2014
Undergraduate / Study Abroad Essay- Study Statement; As a person of French descent... [4]

By experiencing another culture and being placed outside one's comfort zone, studying abroad can allow one to grow as an individual.

As international relations major, studying abroad provideswould provide me with a host of benefits both academically and on a personal level.

Well, I think you need to include points that talk about you more specifically.
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Undergraduate / 'Dutch - my mother language' - Application Essay for University of Cincinnati [4]

Ever since I had learned the basics of Dutch vocabulary, my mother languagemother tongue, at the age of two; my mother and grandmother taughtbegan to teach me to speak and understand French. Both of them too, had been able to speak the language at a very young age as well.

This was a privilege gavegiving me a head start on the other pupils as I was able to concentrate on all the other classes instead of struggling to learn a new language.
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / CBEST- Imagine yourself as a child... (personal experience essay) [4]

I felt excited as she brought me to walk on that road.

Feeling excited, I would follow her to explore those beautiful walking paths.

We pretended ourselves as an adventurer.

We used to pretend to be so adventurous.

Lia was good at math, so she often taught me how to find the answer of math assignments.

Lia was very good at math and she often taught me how to solve a more complex math problem.
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / ATTRACTIVE PLACES IN TARAKAN. IELTS TASK 2 [6]

Secondly is Derawan Island. This place is a small island and found near by tarakanTarakan and it takes only 3 hours by shipboat.(boat even refers to large cruises) Your trip go to Derawan will be amazing because during inthe journey you will lookexperience good views such as wonderful islands with animal epidemicamazing wildlife. Derawan Island has blue water and pure water so that you can snorkel, dive or enjoy your place.
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / Is Censorship Always a Bad Thing? [5]

:) I just did a little bit of editing to see whether you like it or not. Since you like my editing, let me help you with a lil more :D

Is censorship always a bad thing ?

Are there ever any instances where its use is justified?

Are there any situations where censorship is necessary and fully justified?

In fact, there are a number of timesoccasions that requireswhen censorship use is valid , like protecting children from obscene and harmful materials.
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / Advantages and disavantages of gap year [7]

Taking the advantages as first, it is obvious that gap year opens up avenue for you to gain real-life experience.

Here, you are using the same second person voice (you) which refers to your examiner (as dumi has mentioned above, this applies to IELTS and TOEFL and if your purpose is one of them then you need to pay attention to this point ) I think it is better you avoid second person voice for this task because it might sound as if you are giving instructions to your examiner. See the following video clip which well explains about these voices;

youtube.com/watch?v=USNIkthGG5o&list=PLAC4EBBD40CAEC929&index=3
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: improve health by increasing sport facilities; 'regimen of nutrition' [6]

This sentence is too long and therefore less interesting. Do not write very lengthy sentences as they get you carried away at the end of the line. You have several spelling mistakes too. Pay attention to your spelling because such errors may steal your marks. Also, pay attention to the approach suggested by dumi. Your body paras need to contain specific examples to support your reasoning.
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / Is Censorship Always a Bad Thing? [5]

When you hear the word "censorship", what comes to your mind?
Do you think of oppressive governments and dictatorships using it as an instrument of manipulationto manipulate ?
These are common images of censorship, all of which are correct, but they paint a negative picture of the issue, making it seem as though censorship is an entirely evil entity that only destroys.only destroys our freedom.
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Essays / Ethical dilemma experienced, essay ideas needed [10]

The best source of information on this topic is Google. Why not google to gather material to stuff in your essay. :D
I found the following link when I searched on this ;
listverse.com/2007/10/21/top-10-moral-dilemmas/
You would find loads of similar threads and first, gather material, then decide on what you are going to use in your essay and then organize them in a logical order. Finally pen down on your draft and post the draft here for us to provide feedbacks for you :)
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / Not like my expected club; 'Art club is the best club I've joined' [4]

I wanteddecided to join the art club because I love art like drawing and painting. appreciate all forms of art, especially painting.

I was wondering how fun and amazing my new club. I can meet someone who have the same interest.

I was wondering what an amazing this new experience would be when I would be among many others who too share the same passion and interest as mine.

It's ok if just once or twice but she delayed the meeting more than 3 weeks.

It would have been tolerable had she delayed the meeting once or twice, but she did that for more than three weeks.
Pahan   
May 17, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: UK telephone calls - number of mins [3]

Where is the bar chart? You should have uploaded the image for us to have a closer look and provide you more relevant and meaningful comments. Upload the graph using the "Attch File(s)" feature in the Message Section (at the bottom).

It is clear thatOverall, local-fixed line was by far the most used telephone call type.
Since this is a task on assessing your report writing skills, better you an appropriate tone for report writing.

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