Writing Feedback / It is unfair for local people to pay the same amount of money on tourist attraction with foreigners. [3]


Good.Still, I think this opening sentences should be presented in more appealing tone. Here is mine;
Preserving cultural heritage tourism needs sufficient funds. Some people argue that international tourists visiting tourism attractions should be charged more compared to domestic tourists. While it is true to such an extent, I would also claim that foreign visitors have to bring immense benefits to local areas.


With the aim of preventing repetitive contains, it is always good to write personal thought prior to closing your concluding paragraph. A closer look at this

The aforementioned evidence reveals that money should be spent to the preservation of the country's national interests. It is thought that foreign tourists should allocate more funds.Where possible, both local and foreign visitors work together to keep the historical and cultural sites alive (personal thought)

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Exotic people's tendency to doing individual sports rather than a team sports - TOEFL [2]

This intro is good. Still, sentences are too long and contain bulky ideas. When it comes to introduction, your task is to simply paraphrase the prompt as the background, and state a clear thesis statement in the end of the paragraph. a closer look at my sample;

Sports have an important role in maintaining people health. As such, some people are more likely to play sports individually, since this physical activity teaches them how to motivate themselves. Yet, some others argue that playing sports in a team promotes a virtue of communal work. Therefore, it is claimed that individual sports need far higher amount of discipline.


Again, your task is to restate the introductory paragraph. You don't need to discuss new idea(s). Here is mine;
The aforementioned evidence shows that playing sports helps people stay fit. Although this physical activity can be done with teamwork, people are more likely to play sports individually to such an extent. Where possible, disciplinary action in sports should be applied progressively.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / A gap year might bring both benefits and severe detrimental effect to students - IELTS essay [3]


The highlight sentence shows a generic phrase. This is not good for your performance when it comes to the real test, since the phrase can be categorized as memorized language. Likewise, this brings no value.


Let me give a try for this intro;
Teenagers are the nation's asset. As such, it is suggested that school leavers should take some work or go travelling, prior to attending a campus life. While the idea is utterly true, since this way helps them gain more successful experience, such as building tolerance and respect for cultural differences and conducting gap-year business, I would argue that stepping off the academic treadmill after high school would send them away from a formal education, resulting in poor academic performances and in wasting-time projects.

Hope this helps., eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Having an enjoyable job or good salary to a better life? IELTS Task 2 [3]


People have different opinions to define a better life. For some others, they argue that working with good salary leads to overall well-being, while others claim that it is compulsory to love their jobs so as to reach the feeling of being happy. Therefore, I believe that with the aim of happiness, other factors, such as positive environment and working hours should be taken into consideration.

You need to pay particular attention to your opening paragraph by introducing it with more appealing tone .

hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / 'there are more than just salary to have a better life' - Hard Work vs. Enjoyable Profession [4]


Well, I think your intro did not form a line with the prompt. You need to rewrite it, with appealing flows. Here is;
[quote=Bayu]Nowadays, it is important to realize that an enjoyable job is important as much as the income. Good salary comes with hard work and time but it is not always leads to a better life. In my opinion, these statement is inaccurate since everyone should enjoy their occupation. While it is true that enjoyable job give more happiness, does not mean the income is only sufficient for basic needs.[ /quote]

Today's life is money. As such, some people are more likely to work with good salary, since more money bears strike resemblance of happiness. For some others, they argue that enjoying their occupations is the best way to reach well-being. Therefore, I would claim positive work environment leads to productive workers resulting in big money and a better life.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / "one big traffic jam" - Traffic congestion drives an immense problem. [2]

For intro, simply paraphrase the prompt. Here is;
The significant rise in the ownerships of private motor vehicles over three decades leads to traffic problem. While it is true, since nearly all metropolitan cities are facing massive traffic jam, some measures such as road pricing and the use of public transport can be viable solutions to this issue.

For conclusion, simply paraphrase the introduction. Here is;
The aforementioned evidence shows that the total number of people possessing personal cars has resulted in traffic congestion. It is believed that introducing progressive tax on personal car and encouraging the use of mass transport should be taken to tackle this issue. Where possible, government should examine the serious consequences

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / All students need relaxation after hours of stressful study [8]


As per the rule of Academic Writing, an introductory paragraph consists of background sentence and thesis statement. In this case, you wrote very good opening sentence, but I am not sure whether this forms a line with the prompt or not. I suggest including the prompt completely here. A closer look at my model answer for intro;

Education leads to potential path in life. As such, some people argue that parents are to force children to study hard so as to rank best in school. Likewise, educational stakeholders play an important role in sustaining improved outcome. As a result of these approaches, some children suffer from stress. Therefore, I would argue that parents and school should offer helps in order to relieve this study-related stress

hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Advantage of mass communication in the 21st century [6]

Please write your prompt completely. By doing so, I am more easily to share valuable feedback.


This paragraph is good. Still, it is too weak since you did not have a thesis to support your claim. Write your introductory paragraph with the following steps:

1. Background information. When it comes to IELTS or TOEFL essay, your task is to simply paraphrase the prompt, as this can be used as a bridge to start the essay, commonly known as background information.

2 Thesis statement with outlined main ideas. The is the main important point in your essay. Prior to ending your introduction, you need to show your claim towards the issue, which is going to be explain further in the following essay.


Good. Yet, you need to express your point of view with in-depth discussion so as to support your topic sentence. I did not even find any detailed information regarding the main idea. To have profound supporting ideas, I suggest using journalistic questions, such as how, why, what, when, where, and when.


OK. I have seen that you stated an example as your supporting details, but then this is too general. Make it more specific by asking some journalistic questions; 5W1H. Let me give a try for this;

- Who: University students
- When: Nowadays
- Where: Zaria, Nigeria
- What: accessing internet freely, since the city council provides public service 24-free Wi-Fi hotpots.
- How: With 3G mobile phone to gain internet connection everywhere.
- Result: digital academic documents available
A 2015 University of Indonesia shows that almost all university scholars in Zaria, Nigeria nowadays are easily to reach good internet connection since city council provides public service 24-free Wi-Fi hotpots freely. With mobile phone, pupils merely sign up for 3G so as to gain internet connection everywhere. Almost all schools have free broadband with an ethernet plug in the classrooms, so personal computers could be connected anytime students need. If students have no cable, then schools provide it with free cost. As a result, international reading materials, documents and journals which are available to all students at no cost has changed the face of education in Zaria.


Here, not only do you restate the thesis statement, but you also summarize the main points of body paragraphs, so recall all the aforementioned evidence. What's more, some students also raise personal thoughts; recommendation, fears, or hopes.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Grammar, Usage / 'the average Joes out there...' - Quick Grammar Check for a sentence [7]

What is the purpose of this writing? Need to mention it here, so you will gain more valuable feedback. Here are some edits;
- Teamwork is defined as a strange concept
- During 1990s
- It had gained in popularity as a concept to run companies...
- Whole-time staff


I am not sure that the word is appropriate here. Do you mean "make use of resources?

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Newcomers Dealing with The New Place [4]

I believe that EF welcomes all students with viable insight and sincere advice :)


It is always good to include the complete prompt and write the essay types (TOEFL, IELTS, GRE, etc) so as to be more easily linked with the structure of the essay.

Here is a simple step to deal with an essay:
1. Introductory paragraph
- Building sentences: introduce the topic. Then provide background information regarding the thesis statement
- Thesis statement: present the topic, writer's opinion, and the outline of the essay.

Lets give a try for this;


Almost everyone who studies, lives, and works abroad is faced with matters adjusting to a new culture. It is agreed that the problems of language and cultural barriers can be more difficult even shocking. Therefore, I would argue that personal training on language access and adapting a variety of unique culture are viable solutions to tackle this issue.

As it can be predicted, the following paragraphs will discuss two main ideas;
language training and culture adaptation.

2. Body paragraphs.
When it comes to body paragraphs, your task is to develop the outline in the thesis statement. You need to bear in mind that each paragraph consists of;

- Topic sentence
- Supporting sentences
- Concluding sentence/ a concession statement.

A closer look at model paragraphs below;
It is suggested that people moving to another country should get involved in language training. By doing so, they will learn to listen the phrases coaches use and to talk by imitating what they hear. A 2012 Harvard University study found that 27 Chinese teenagers sent to the US start learning English by combining words in sentences both spoken and written to reach the proportional sizes of common vocabularies in use. The outcome of this study shows that these people could have a well-developed second language equating with the US natives. However, some may argue that the use of translation technology tends to overcome language difficulties more effectively, instead of attending language classes.

Another common drawback of immigrants is to be accustomed to living in the host country. Initially, they are intrigued by all new perspectives of their surroundings. Yet, this honeymoon phase will turn into frustration soon after rejecting the new culture. A brief illustration of this is a number of Indonesian students who study in China feel bored and fatigue, since they are experienced with disruptions of eating rice with chopsticks. This will automatically change their dietary habits. As such, more minorities are supposed to take some action, if something goes unexpected.

3. Concluding paragraph.
As per the rule of academic writing, this last paragraph is divided into three elements;
- Restatement of the thesis statement, with paraphrased words.
- Summary the body paragraphs
- Writer's final thought; recommendations, fears or hopes.

Peruse this paragraph more closely;
The aforementioned evidence reveals that the impact of language and culture diversities is a common challenge for expatriates. Learning vernacular languages not only helps minorities create effective communication. They also need to strive for the process of adaptation. Where possible, immigrants should learn to handle the challenge of everyday life where they live.

To achieve successful writing essays, you need more than one try. Noted !

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Social well-being could be reached by removing the charge for education and healthcare [5]

- Step 1 is to write Introduction consisting of background, thesis and outline.
It is believed that government funds should be channeled to the education and healthcare sectors (background). I agree with this view (thesis), since these essential services would lead to more educated people and contribute to the improvement in life expectancy even though some believe that this policy is more likely to infect economic system (outline)

- Step 2 shows a breakdown of the topic sentences in each paragraph.
Topic sentence for body 1: While there seems to be many advantages of this, arguably the most pertinent is that everyone is offered more opportunities and access to attend school to college.

Topic sentence for body 2: Furthermore, this will increase the extra years of good health.
Topic sentence for body 3 (a counter paragraph): It is often argued that these essential services will damage the long-term prospects of a country's economy

- Step 3 ends with conclusion, including a concluding signal, restated thesis and personal thought, such as recommendations, hopes or fears.
In conclusion, this policy has profound implications as it sets free. This system not only allows basic health for all citizens. There is also an option for everyone to be students. However, the serious consequences in economic structure are predicted to be disturbed. Where possible, the funds should be used more wisely on welfare system.

hope this helps, eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / Some people think the extra-curriculum school work and activities shall be decided by students [7]


If I am offered this question, then I'd arrange my essay into:
- Step 1 is to write Introduction consisting of background, thesis and outline.
It is believed that school is committed to supporting non-academic activities designed by students. It is agreed with the view, since this way teaches pupils to increase their ability to work together and to communicate with collaboration even though some believe that this will not meet the specific academic needs of each student.

- Step 2 shows a breakdown of the topic sentences in each paragraph.
Topic sentence for body 1: While there seems to be many advantages of this, arguably the most pertinent is that students have ability to work together towards a common vision.

Topic sentence for body 2: Furthermore, this provides students with trust and respect in communication with their peers.
Topic sentence for body 3 (a counter paragraph): It is often argued that extracurriculum activity designed by students is irrelevant because this activity is less likely to equate with the importance of academic study.

- Step 3 ends with conclusion, including a concluding signal, restated thesis and personal thought, such as recommendations, hopes or fears.
In conclusion, the idea of students should be allowed to design their own extra- curriculum is the most valued by some people. This encourages students to build successful teamwork. It also improves communication skills in school. Where possible, students should be scored for non-academic achievement scales.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / IELTS: teens admire watching famous sports stars play and make them as their heroes [4]


Well, the question is asking whether you agree or disagree with the motion. Therefore, you need to state your clear position exactly upfront so as that readers are easily to predict the following body paragraphs. Let me give a try:

- Introduction:
Sports persons exert strong influence on teenagers. While this idea is utterly acceptable, It is agreed that sports stars as good role models come into young people's lives in a variety of ways : great passion and hard work.

As it can be predicted, the two following paragraphs will cogitate about great passion and hard work.

Still, you need to make a concession statement in the end of body paragraphs to show that you have other views. Here is the sample;

- Concession 1:
However, some may argue that athletes need to build creative spirit, such as social awareness and sensing, since it is believed that passion without creativy is nothing.

- Concession 2:
Despite this, some professional athletes both work hard and use drugs so as to get the edge on their opponents.

- Conclusion:
The aforementioned evidence shows that athletes are more likely to be the most influential person for young people. As good role model, their great passion and the spirit of working hard should be taken into consideration, since this is the secret ingredient for career success.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: children should not only play or study without doing any housework [3]


Good. Still, this intro has a weak thesis statement, since it is not followed by a well-structured outline. Let me give a try;


Well, this prompt is asking whether you are against or not. So, this would be: it is believed that young teenagers should spend more time playing and studying rather than to do some household chores (background). It is agreed that the first two activities bring benefits to children, compared to the latter one (thesis). Firstly, this essay will show the fact that playing and studying increase self-esteem and secondly, discuss how these activities provide a child some opportunities for developing social skills (outline).

As it can be predicted, the outline will be written as the topic sentences in each paragraph. Yet, this essay needs more ideas to cogitate about how housework benefits children as well, so as to present a balanced view, so called a concession statement. For this, here is some concession as per the topics above

- concession 1:
Despite this, people in developed countries believed that if children are given more chances to do some household chores, then the youth will feel happier, as they can make a meaningful contribution to their families.

- concession 2:
However, some may argue that housework is a great way to teach a child about responsibility, since the importance of keeping a house clean is a challenge.


According to the rule of academic writing, a concluding paragraph consists of a restated thesis (plus points of view) and your personal statement: a recommendation, hopes or fears. A closer look at my model answer:

The aforementioned evidence reveals that although doing housework leads children to become more mentally aware at family, studying and playing help them develop their internal and external experiences (the restated thesis plus points of view). It is imperative that these life skills should be introduced in early childhood education (a recommendation).

NB:


it is an essay with a score of 4.
Since I work with a cellphone, my apologies if I have some problems with spellings :)

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / CREATING PELLETS - the sawdust passes three physical process and two temperature treatments [3]


Good. However, you need to present this in formal tone. Let me give a try; an illustration of manufacturing wood pellets using either pellet stoves or pellet furnaces and how it works to heat buildings is presented in this flow chart. Overall, the process of production for wood pellets takes several simple steps. This begins with the arrival of sawdust from sawmill and then ends with the distribution of pellets for sales.


Since no suprising data is presented, I suggest avoiding this phrase.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / The government should take control of education and healthcare - IELTS TASK [2]


This sentence did not bring any value, since it sounds too generic. You need to mention briefly what government should do in terms of solutions.


When it comes to an introductory paragraph, your task is to simplify your words extracted from the prompt regardless of extra information. For this question below, let me give a try;


It is believed that education and healthcare systems should be free to a country's citizens (background). It is agreed that government should allocate more money to run these essential services (thesis). Firstly, this essay will discuss how free access to healthcare benefits people and secondly, show the fact that free education is believed to diminish illiteracy rates (outline)

As it can be seen, I construct my introduction with three steps: background, thesis and outline. By doing so, the topic sentences in the first paragraph can be easily predicted:

Topic 1: it is vital for government to provide free healthcare systems, such as well-equipped hospitals as well as highly trained staff to manage them.
Topic 2: an excellent education system is free of charge for those on limited budget. Without this, people may find that they are unable to lift their level education. As a result, it takes some time to mitigate the rate of illiteracy.

Last but not least, I suggest making a concession statement so as to reveal that you have thought about other views. This shows that you are capable of making rebuttal overviews. Here are:

Concession 1: However, some may argue that free healthcare should not be rendered to naturalized citizens.
Concession 2: Nevertheless, this may not be a problem for high-income families


Some sentences above are out of topic. You are not allowed to introduce a new idea here. Let me give a try:
The aforementioned evidence shows that the idea of spending a proportion of budget on educations and healthcare systems has to be noted as government policy. Where possible, the use of government funds should not be wasted on welfare system.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Criminal record has actually increased in recent years [4]


Although you have successfully created the solid thesis, the outline did not form a line one another. What I mean here is the problem and solution should be aligned in terms of a problem and solution essay. In this case, CCTV and police officers are not in conjunction with the economic factors, so that rewriting it is a must. Let me give a try: this essay accounts for economic factors and unemployment as the reason why this occurs. Therefore, to come up with the a viable solution, job vacancies are believed to narrow them down.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Students choose to study English independently [2]


If I am asked to write the introductory statement for this essay, then I'd start constructing my paragraph with the following steps:
- Background (see sentence 1 below)
- Thesis (see sentence 2)
- Outline (sentence 3)

It is argued that a mammoth number of students opt self-study approach when it comes to learning English. It is agreed that this group of students is more likely to gain obstacles to allocate their studies efficiently. Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that independent learners have no time preparing a syllabus and secondly, how this might lead serious consequences for students facing a tight deadline, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

As this essay agrees with the motion, making a concession statement in the end of body paragraphs demonstrates that you have thought about the other side of the argument, so that there will be balanced views. Let's give try for the concession:

Body 1: Despite this, students with high-level performance in many developed countries, where this problem is most acute can access free online materials and will continue to study.

Body 2: However, some may argue that the consequences can be tackle if students set their goals objectively and work towards achieving their goals.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / The appreciation for positive actions is the best way to teach [5]


Well, this opening sentence is not in conjunction with the prompt given. You need to replace it, e.g it is believed that teaching is the best way to learn


I am sure that this is thesis statement. Yet, the thesis is too weak and brings vague ideas. Let me give you an example; this essay utterly agrees with the previous statement rather than the latter one, and will discuss the idea of gaining more passion and motivation should be taken into consideration when it comes to teaching, since this is argued as the best approach to encourage students.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib

Graduate / The Number of 3 Different Kind of Crimes in Newport City Centre from 2003 to 2012 [2]

A few points;
Para 1:
Sentence 1 should be "... gives A BREAKDOWN OF the number of incidents WITH three different TYPES of crime..."
Sentence 3


This should be "... although the number of robbery and car theft cases in Newport city centre remained unchange, compared to the first time figures, the latter case showed a slight increase in the end of the period."

Para 2:
Sentence 1 should be "...figures of three TYPES of crime..."
Sentence 2 should be "...burglary crime AMOUNTED TO the highest number... while in the second place DID almost 3,000 car theft cases HAPPEN... "
Sentence 3 should be "...approximately 600 reportS..."
Sentence 4


This should be "If analyzed more closely, we have seen a decrease in the number of criminal cases which by far drops around 2000 listed in burglary cases over four years."

Para 3:
Sentence 1 should be "... burglary crime decreased consecutively for over the last five years..."

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Information crime rates in Newport city center in 2003 and 2010 [2]

A few points
Para 1:


I think I should rewrite this paragraph, since the accuracy of the report presented cannot be verified. A closer look at my model sentences:The line chart gives a breakdown of the changes from criminal rates in city center of Newport from 2003 to 2012, a 9-year period. Overall, while the rate of burglary shows downwards, car theft experiences a slight increase. However, the trend of robbery remains unchanged over the time frame.

Para 2:
Sentence 1 should be "...burglary RECORDED the highest number of crime RATES..."
Sentence 2 should be "...the initial number amounted to 3,500 in 2003... before ITS figure..."
Sentence 3 should be "...this WAS SIGNS OF AN INCREASE RECOVERY TO the same figure.."

Para 3:
Sentence 1 should be "... BY far..."
Sentence 2 should be "... before showing a gradual rebound to the 2003 figure..."

Para 4:
if we analyze the data ( a comma ) we can see...

My advice: always save your time around 3-5 minutes for proofreading prior to ending your report. Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / The greater number of the criminal cases which are perpetrated by young people below 18 year old [2]

Trias, your essay does not fully address the main question/ issue. When it comes to the real exam, the assessors are more likely to give you a score of 6 or below with this essay. (See IELTS writing band descriptors task 2). My advice: always understand the prompt prior to writing your essay.


When you simplify this question, it is going to be " Does lack of social and emotional learning (from parents and teachers) result in the rise in a juvenile delinquency ?" If the answer says Yes, reasons should be constructed, and vice versa. Let me give a try:

- YES,... because poor supervision by caregivers affects cognitive, motor, and language development. As a result, young people are less likely to control their ideas and emotions in a positive way, leading them to falsely believe in committing crimes. (this is gonna be paragraph 2)

- NO,... because biological factors have more considerable influence than those aspects. (As seen, it is paragraph 3)
By doing so, your response is in conjunction with the prompt.

Ok, now let's discuss each paragraph of this essay:
Para 1:
- I prefer starting my claim upfront, so examiners will know exactly what the following paragraphs are. For the time being, your claims is vanished, since the last sentence as the thesis did not bring any value. Here is my model sentence for a strong thesis: "I disagree with the previous statement because biological factors play an important role in criminal behavior of a juvenile offender."

- Sentence 1 should be "... the criminal cases... increase..."
- Sentence 2 should be "... showing teenagers committing crimes..."

Para 2:
- I think you are to use "adolescence", instead of "children", since the prompt is asking you to discuss people aged 18 or below. As per Macmillan Dictionary, a child indicates a young person from the time they are born until they are about 14 years old. Always, always, always perusing your prompt more closely, so you won't misinterpret the motion.

- We usually put a comma before "but"
- Sentence 2 should be "... prevent children coming..." As seen, I omit "from"

Para 3 & 4:
- Write " take it into account", or "take into account the surrounding environment..."
- "update education perspectives" drifted away. Rewrite it.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / A Noticeable Changing in Stokeford Town Between 1930 and 2010 [2]

A few points;
Para 1:
As two maps have been showed concern about the proposed changes in one area, I suggest writing "the two maps COMPARE...", instead of "give"

Para 2:
Sentence 1 should be "there were a lot of farmlands."
* and (DELETE), write while
Sentence 2 should be "on the opposite side of the road from primary school were post office and shops."
Sentence 3 should be "the area of farmlands was replaced..."

Para 3:
Sentence 1 should be "a great change..."
Sentence 2 should be "the area... was..."
Sentence 4 should be "...shrank...", not srinked.

Since all feedback is done somewhere with a cellphone, my sorely concern is to reveal what to improve upon your performance in general. Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity. [3]

This prompt has two questions to answer. Here I see you raise some issues to tackle the two tasks. Yet, your claims presented did not fully address the tasks. If I were you, then I'd write medical treatment resulting the rise in births and reduced mortality rate are the causes. Also, I decline to say that overpopulation is the biggest problem that humans face nowadays, but climate change. A closer look at my model answer; Human overpopulation is indeed a major issue, since this brings more poverty in some countries. As I see, better medical treatment as a result of the advanced growth in technology is one of causes introducing overpopulation. Yet, this is not the major threat to the planet in decades. Global climate disruption should be taken into account, since this issue creates more heat-related illnesses and deaths. Hope this helps. - Eddy Suaib.

Writing Feedback / Although we cannot emit automobiles from our world, they work destructive for our quality of life [4]

The first paragraph did not introduce any value since sentences constructed bring lack of background information and weak thesis statement. A closer look at my sample; Since Henry Ford introduced car, this automobile has drastically changed the way of life. In the past, people worked in village where they lived. Thanks to motor vehicle, people in village now do their job activities in city center by commuting. However, the use of this transport is believed to raise some undesirable consequences, such as traffic congestion, air pollution and highway accidents. Hope this helps. Eddy Suaib.

Writing Feedback / International tourist arrivals around parts of the world [4]

a few points;
Para 1:
If you have "whereas" as the linker, then you are not allowed to put a comma soon after it. "Whereas the figure for ... increased twofold... (Double is inappropriate here.

Para 2:
Some sentences interrupt the flow. Let me give a try to recycle them. Here is my sample: its initial number amounted to over 70 billion visitors. Since then, the annual growth has increased. The actual annual growth in the number of travellers fell from its peak of 90 million in 2000, to a low of roughly 87 million in 2005. This stands in contrast to Central and Eastern Europe. The total number of tourists grew gradually between 30 and 90 million from 1990 to 2005, a rise of 60 million travellers in 15 years.

I suggest reading model answers derived from exam preparation coursebooks or materials as many as you can. By doing so, you are of many words to write a lot. Hope this helps, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows population figures for India and China since the year 2000 [2]

A few points;
Para 1:
- Sentence 1: information concerning (DELETE) change into "...a breakdown of..."
Write the population growth without up.
Write your overview with a periodic sentence which is of the main clause at the end, so as to create interest of readers. Here is the formula: while sv, sv.

Para 2:
- Sentence 2; lots of Chinese societies... Indian saw 1 billion (DELETE) change into the dramatic growth has been driven largely by Chinese population with 1.25 billion. This stands in contrast to the estimated total population in India amounted to precisely 1 billion people.

- Sentence 3; the highest growth rate, Indian population increases roughly 0.2 billion, has occurred briefly between 2012 and the present. In the same time, China's population growth has risen from 0.1 to 1.35 billion.

Hope this helps. Thanks, eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / Problems Associated with The Use of Mobile Phones [2]

A few points;
Para 1:
- Sentence 1; by the people (DELETE).
- Sentence 2; it seems that you have a problem with "it-clause". For this sentence, I suggest merging it with the first one. "... since social, medical and technical issues have been taken into account."

- Sentence 3; By considering some examples below (DELETE)

Para 2:
- Sentence 1; bad flow. Here is my sample: Face-to-face interactions amongst people are being squashed out by frequently used mobile phones.
- Sentence 2; run-on sentence. To solve this, omit "and"
- Sentence 3; What are you trying to say here??? I miss the point, dear
- Sentence 5; write users are more likely to get upset over minor setbacks, such as...

There are lots of flaws in the following paragraphs. It is always good to revisit and recycle them. Thanks, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Southland's Main Exports Between 2000 and 2015 and Its Prediction in 2025 [3]

A few points below;
Para 1:
- Sentence 1; Write the table shows "a breakdown of..." This lexical choice is by far better than "information concerning..."
- Sentence 2; Have you ever heard Period Sentence ? It is a sentence which is of the main clause or predicate at the end. This is used to create interest for readers. Here is the formula: While SV, SV. I suggest patching this formula into your overview above.

- Sentence 3; ... the exports of meat products have fallen to the lowest level over the period in question.

Para 2:
- Sentence 1;
* "the amount of...exports" (FLAW). "Amount" should be followed by uncountable noun.
* Write Both diary and meat products have experienced solely under 7 billion on a year-over-year exports.
* and is followed by (DELETE). Write "and then some at..."

Para 3:
- Sentence 1; surely, this phrase "highly export" is uncommon. Do you mean this: "the most popular products exported from..." ???
- Sentence 2; will be decreased (FLAW) Write will decrease.
Hope this helps. Thanks, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / There are four main features of the wind turbine - Task 1 [3]

Did you finish writing this into 20 minutes? :D


This is very good attempt. It seems that you follow the instruction very well. A few points below;
Para 2:
- the turbine consistS of
- the sensor changes wind blow becominginto electricity current
- In addition, computer is also(This bears a striking resemblance to in addtion, so I omit it) used to receive data from sensor to display direction and angles of the blades and(stop here)itThe computer is placed in house near by the tower

Para 3:
- Besides, the second alternative is inAlternatively, it is the domestic area
thanks, eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / A student must like a teacher in order to learn from the teacher. [5]

Para 1:
This is good. Yet, the sentence is too close to the prompt. Why don't you try to paraphrase it? here is my sample;
The effective classroom is based on a positive relationship. As such, the idea that teacher should attract students' attention is the most valued by some people. Also, students are required to love their teacher so as to build a strong feeling. By doing so, I believe that both teacher and students will contribute a positive learning environment.

If you could break the second paragraph into several ones, then I'll help you check the grammar.
Thanks, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 Simulation: World Population by Region, 1900 and 2000 [6]

Para 2:
- Sentence 3; write Europe including/ which was included/with Russia.
- Sentence 4; Lastly (DELETE). For the time being, you don't need this sequencer. We use "lastly" when it comes to "process".

Also, I suggest rewriting the sentence 4, since it indicates a shopping list, or lazy talks. Let me give a try;
The percentage of population in Africa increased dramatically from 4% to 10%, between 1900 and 2000. Also, a rise of 5% of world population in 100 years was seen in Latin American & Caribbean. By contrast, there were no significant changes in the trend of world population in both North America and other regions.

Thanks, eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Changes In The World Population Between 1900 and 2000 [9]

Helllllooo Hetty, a few points;
Para 1:
- Here do you need to write a 2-sentence overview. By doing so, this will improve your score in TA (check IELTS band descriptor). Also, if you could, then write intro and overview in a different paragraph. A closer look at my sample;

Overall, the most striking point is that population growth in the world increases significantly. In any case, Asian is the world's largest population. Yet, its growth experiences a dramatic decrease.

Para 2:
I strongly suggest breaking this into several paragraph as to reach coherence.
- first of all, finally (DELETE). you dont need to use sequencers here. Save them for a process.
- sentence 1, the next 10 years (DELETE) write the next 100 years.
- Rewrite sentence 2, as it brings run-on sentences. Here is my sample;
Initially, the population of Asia was listed in 60%. Yet, this percentage decreased slightly to 54% (with former Soviet Asia) in 2000, an incline of 6% in 100 years.
- Sentence 3 needs rewording as it has bad flow. My sample; Interestingly, both Middle East and North Africa broke a record as current world population in 2000, dominating 6% of total population.

- it takes some time to understand both sentence 4 and 5. Now, it's your turn. I'll check your grammar after your rewrite those sentences.

Para 3:
You don't need to write a conclusion in task 1 since this has been replaced with an overview. Overview is more important here. For more details, read IELTS band descriptor writing task 1.

Thanks, eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / People Get Into Dept Since They Afford Things They Do Not Need [3]

stacy..., a few points for para 1 & 2:
Para 1:
- Do not write "relate to...", but "satisfaction is in conjunction with simple actions like buying things needed."
- Do not write "Due to this condition...", but "Hence, some people are more likely to take out a loan to buy more things since this leads them achieve happiness."

- Do not write "double think" since this phrase is uncommon. Write this: people should cogitate about how money spent.
Overall, the intro is good. You just need to focus on the grammar and vocabulary in use. Well, here I show you my sample intro which I believe that this is thoroughly close to the prompt. "Some people buy most things for emotional. They spend hundreds dollars to buy stuffs more than they need. As a result, a rash decision leaves them go into debt. To prevent people from adopting this dangerous behaviour, learning how to manage cash flow by monitoring daily allowances and not taking an impulsive buy is a must."

Para 2:
Sentence 1: showy people are more likely to go into debt since they cannot stop purchasing unnecessary things, so as to gain other acceptances. Is this you mean???

Sentence 2: as presidential agreement for the revised arrangements of the role of the House and minister,
Thanks, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 Simulation: World Population by Region, 1900 and 2000 [6]

The most significant facts to emergeemerged from the graph
1900 saw a total of people who inhabitedliving in some areas in the world at 1.6 billion
Europe, which included Russia, becamerankedthe second largest regionin the total world population
This task is testing how your skills in comparison and contrast work together in a paragraph. Let's say Asian and European populations categorized as the greatest decrease of all figures can be written in a paragraph. Followed by the most significant growth from 1900 to 2000, Africa and Latin America's percentages of world population stay in the other paragraph. Other categories are prior to closing the report.Last but not least, it is always good to write a 2-sentence overview. Here is a quick change:


These charts presented below compare the changes of global population in some areas between 1900 and 2000, a 100-year period, measured in percentage. What stands out from the graph reveals that the total world population shows a significant increase over the time period. In any case, the figure of population in Asia dominates a rise in the number of humans in world, although its percentage experiences a downward trend.

thanks,
eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / The two methods of collecting water for irrigation purposes [3]

Like writing task 2, the first paragraph in writing task 1 is the starting point to introduce the whole report. For this, you write well. However, you'd better try not to write your intro as close as the topic given. What I mean here is that you have to vary the words and sentences. Let's give a try

These pictures compare how people conduct water irrigation with different process. A brief look at the process reveals that a few traditional tools used virtually bear a striking resemblance to one another. In any case, taking account of some different steps to accomplish the task is a must.

Thanks, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Eco-hybrid cars project to solve pollution and traffic problems. [2]

A closer look at the intro shows that this has lack of the relevant issue. Also, you failed to present a solid thesis statement. In the following paragraphs, you raise weak arguments. To justify what I am saying; the second paragraph did not form a line with the topic. Although you discuss the cause of pollution, it sounds redundancy because this has been explained in the first paragraph. All in all, I suggest rewriting this. Fyi; this essay has the same title as another student firda umairoh. Therefore, it recommends that you are to peruse the feedback I've given. Thanks, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / This illustrates how much of goods were distributed in the UK from 1974 to 2004 [2]

Overall, this is good report for IELTS task 1. Did you write it for 20 minutes? :D

The body paragraphs are too complicated. If I were you, then I would simply break this into two body paragraphs. I start discussing the timeline from 1974 to 1986. Then, it is followed by the figures in 1990 and 2002 using the language of comparison and contrast. Which means that all figures of transport are written in the same paragraph, not in the separated paragraphs like you did. By doing so, your report is more interesting to read.. Please rewrite now. I am expecting for its change. Thanks, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of boy and girl students at schools [3]

Hi, have you read my previous feedback? Please go get them more closely, since the given feedback will help you polish your (following) essay. Ok, now let's move to this essay. Guys, what happened to your intro? This is not the proper format, since the intro presented shows a simple statement of fact. There is no room for in-depth analysis. Go back to your intro. Then, rewrite it. Oh ya, one thing that you should highlight is to express your point prior to ending your intro, although the prompt of this essay is not A/D type. By doing so, your readers will know upfront exactly what your stance is. In the following paragraph, some points should be added to make your claim strong. What 2014 recent studies reveal is that the number of female students is going to mature earlier than that of the males, since female are more likely to optimize their brain connections earlier than boys. Likewise, a quick Google search shows that if compared to the females, male students are good at Math and science. Yet, female students tend to receive better grades that boys in all subjects. I, too, have to admit that females are much better in academic attainment since sometimes in school I had to 'take' their homework as a reference. However, male students are born smart, although their smart brains go hand in hand with sexual desires. That's all I think. Thanks, eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / The proliferation of private cars on the roads in many parts of the world has led to serious problem [3]


Good. However, you need to rework your intro. Here is;
Car is the most preferable transport in some metropolitan cities. A study shows that the annual percentage of people owing cars is getting increase significantly. This goes hand in hand with the amount of pollution resulted from cars. The idea of improving public transport can be a viable solution to alleviate the problem of pollution. Yet, this is not always the best way since not all public transport offers convenient situation. In my opinion, government should consider to develop hybrid cars designed for fuel efficiency and low emissions so as to mitigate global warming.

Thanks,
eddy suaib