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Posts by SHanafi
Name: Sekar Hanafi
Joined: Jan 17, 2014
Last Post: Jul 2, 2017
Threads: 120
Posts: 415  
Likes: 93
From: Indonesia
School: Diponegoro University

Displayed posts: 535 / page 1 of 14
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SHanafi   
Jul 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Sales in a college bookshop [4]

Dear, @kacanakya

The provided table shows the sales numbers in a college ...

This can be simplified to one sentence.
The table figure covers sales report on three publications, fiction, non-fiction, and magazines, from separating members and non-members in a college bookshop during February 2000.
SHanafi   
Jul 2, 2017
Research Papers / Research abstract: "Experiences of nurse survivors on disaster" [2]

Hy guys please help me to correct my abstract's flow and sentence effectiveness. For your information, this abstract should not be more than 150 words. I would be helped much if you kindly giving the replacement sentence(s) directly. Thank you

Experiences of nurse survivors on disaster: a systematic review



Abstract
Background: Majoring attention to disaster survivors sometimes makes a fact that nurses who are the survivor as well are being forgotten. This study purposes to explore nurses' experience who served professionally throughout the world on working, coping and learning during disaster

Method: Using a systematic review, literature is identified through PubMed and Scopus using "nurse", "nursing", "experience" "disaster" ""survivor" "coping" and "Asia" as keywords.

Finding: Seven (7) publications representing nurses' experience from United Stated, Taiwan, New Zealand, Haiti and China are reviewed from a total of 2672 retrieved articles.

Result: While experience various challenge as survivors who are also in delivering aid during disaster, nurses can handle, cope and learn from their recent experience. To enhance nurses' wellbeing, the considerable contribution from nurses' organization in collaboration with government is highly recommended.
SHanafi   
Jun 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The United States became the most frequent winner of the hot-dog eating contest within two years [5]

Dear beauty17,
The bar graph provides information about Nathan's hot dog eating contest which is conducted in Brooklyn's Coney Island, USA during 30 years, between 1980 and 2010.

The bar graph provides thirty years annual records on Nathan's hot dog eating contest in Brooklyn's Coney Island from 1980 to 2010.

It is noticeable that four countries such as US, Japan, Mexico and Germany scoring for winners.
I suggest you to make overview from the graph with an accurate observation. Let me try to make mine.
It is noticeable that US and Japanese males became the contest commonest winner while Mexico and Germany shared similar a winning year for three decades.
SHanafi   
Feb 25, 2016
Scholarship / Letter of Self-Introduction as a candidate for Scholarship Program 2016 in Korea [2]

Dear, Aniani

I would like to say that it would be more powerful to show them your credentials instead of providing general information.

...but I also joined several organizations in order to learn how to tackle some problems and improve my soft-skill. |Tell the organizations specifically, the name, the role you was taking part and what valuable skill you got which will support your intended study

Then, I kept in touch with a wide range of people who can encourage the others which are fairly optimist to make Indonesia more prestige in this world.| Who are they?

In my future, I see myself working as a professional person to develop my country. | What kind professional? Lecture, governor or researcher. Where you intend to contribute? University X, Company X or others?

...make Indonesia more popular and can exploit its opportunity as a maritime country in a better way. | Be more operational, what do you mean by popular and better country in maritime aspect? is it about 10000 likes in social media or the increasing of GDP due to maritime defence power or others?

I tend to study in Korea in order to gain more precious and well-rounded education | How can you say Korea has sophisticated education system, give objectives, the fact or statistical data?

it will evolve relationship between Indonesia and Korea in the field of maritime.| Make sure your (intended) role due to this claim

in order to broaden my international outlook while simultaneously strengthening my professional abilities.| What kind of professional abilities you envision by studying in Korea? Analytical and critical thinking? Its pragmatics? Find Korean's strength in your domain which is not provided in Indonesia.

Wish you success then :)
SHanafi   
Nov 14, 2015
Scholarship / Math and history. Each of these subjects happen to be my favorite. [4]

Hi Taylor, your work needs more organize. I mean it is lack of appropriate appearance so thus, unintentionally, can broke reader's interest to read your whole work. Please add a space between your paragraph with each of them providing an answer of each question that the prompt requires.

Looking backward to your prompt

Discuss the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. To what factors do you attribute your success?

In your first paragraph after you say Mathematics and History to be your excel subject, please support your claim on why you excel on them much. Tell us what kind of empirical events or fact that makes them special to you. Moreover, pay attention also about what prompt says. It requires you to state what factors attribute ..., thus just providing Mr.Zimmerman contribution in following paragraph does not quite enough, you should add more, this becomes important, otherwise you just intend to get mediocre mark.

Hopefully it helps :)
SHanafi   
Nov 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / These days the health of children have become an immense problem to deal with [2]

Furthermore, school also have big responsibility to tackle that problem by giving additional insight for their pupils, and providing medical checkup periodically.

To succeed this idea, not only parents but also school should take highly consideration for maintaining student health such as standardize food providing in school canteen and arrange periodical check-up for the schoolchildren.
SHanafi   
Nov 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / Sociological Imagination on life intersection : Essay admission for entering a university [3]

Dear all, I need some assistance to review my recent work, please tell me whether or not this is fulfil the task responses. To be honest, this prompt is quite difficult for me, and I would be pleases if you give me necessary feedback. Please also do include if there another ideas that I should add to complete my respond because this kind of work is the minimal from the maximum they are required. Best from me and thank you.

"Urip iku Urup", an indigenous Javanese maxim, has furnished a meaningful spirit to me. It means "life is enlightening, life is giving benefit for surrounding". I am a Javanese descent who grew among Sumatera culture after my parents migrated From Yogyakarta to Palembang in 1982. Even though Sumatera's culture was always appearing in my childhood, my parents still convey on the fervent of Javanese culture for bringing me up, and storytelling session about the wisdom spirit on Javanese custom seemed to be my nature custody.

Our daily dinner was always exhilarating because Bapak, a Javanese greeting for father, will start telling sharing as your second nature will demolish your sadness as well as it will glow your happiness; if you believe it, God will always beside you in your adversity. As a little girl, such a deific saying was totally non-sense to me, but in a scary night when I was helped to find railway station by a stranger- a man wearing white shirt, wreathed ID card and blue jeans- the saying had deeply internalized. I was sophomore who tried to travel 808 miles from Palembang to Semarang independently at that time. This experience had been reminded me in an event. When I was third grade, we -Bapak and I- were waiting for bus while a gambler passed through looking for food in the rubbish bin near the bus stop. At that moment, with two pieces of doughnut and a bottle of mineral water, Bapak asked me to share my doughnut to the gambler, then whispered "whenever you do share, your will get broad mindedness and God will go to help you back in unexpected occasion"

To me, parents are looked up to as important role model and facilitator, they have a strong influence on their children (Sawitri, Creed, & Zimmer-Gembeck, 2013). Besides Bapak, Ibu, a Javanese greeting for mother, had been formed me. I was fortunate to hold supervisory by a working mother while being a working mother becomes virtually rare in our society. Due to Indonesian cultural milieu, mothers is a significant figure for maintaining harmony within family. Whoever bringing up in existing Javanese custom believed that the Almighty creates woman for deliver three specific roles 'macak (dress up), masak (cooking) and manak (delivering baby) (Rohman, 2013). A good woman in Javanese has to stay at home without complaining while the role for family breadwinner is mere a man (husband) responsibility. She is expected to spend more time with the children and therefore to be responsible for their care and discipline (Setiadi, 2006). However, the roles expected from a mother has not changed much while she is working. The working mothers are still expected to be responsible for domestic chores, but for those who have maid luckily with well-educated husband will be helped a lot because they will have started assisting their wives in taking care children, even quite often it is limited to playing with children after work or during holidays (Nurhaena, 1995). This unbalance development and change in the role of mothers and mothers put greater stress in working mother because they still expected to be the main emotional provider for all the family members, do all the domestic chores and take care of the children within the limited time they have outside their working hours (Setiadi, 2006). Despite such an uneasiness role in the family, Ibu would always be my role model. Ibu is an XX e in XX. She is a fully-fledged mother who finished her TAFE program in University of South XX. She showed me her struggling, she awoke every night to finish her thesis; she showed me that being mother brings no hamper to your study eagerness; she helped me to realize how valuable I can be (Conry, 2015), and I do not know I would have had the confidence to study without her example.

In the sake of Urip Iku Urup, I devote myself to engage with some humanity work alongside my study in faculty of psychology Diponegoro University. I registered in clinical internship in XX mental asylum, XX, did weakly teaching for disabled schoolchildren in Semarang disabled state school and conducted an annual motivational training for Semarang's orphan called XX. I feel satisfied when helped people give me a sincere smile or even just looking at me deeply and say thank you. Moreover, it is such an epiphany aspiration when I worked as an aid volunteer in XX eruption, XX. Living at the covering situation with full of eruptions' ash, limited access of water and food, no electricity and uncertain condition had realized me that I love to aid people in emergency. A feel beautifully embraced, even you just putting your hand around someone's arm or listening about what they need, it seems like you want to say, don't panic, you're not alone because I'm here to help you, and when the survivors having no panic, breathing normally and could smile sincerely, it was such rewarding and humbling experiences that I always dreamed to be a professional in XX psychology.

With those experiences, I decide to start my footstep to work among community. Since 2013 the ministry XX Indonesia was assigned me in XX, XX, XX province as XX rural representative. In such duty, I established XX, XX, and XX, XX bank so as to empower XX's rural inhabitants. Alongside my service to rural, I keep maintain my reading, and Prof Martin Seligman's concept of Positive Psychology was fascinated me, then, Post Traumatic Growth (PTG) by DR Richard Tedeschi completed my findings. I am very curious whether or not concept of PTG can be constructed by applying model of Psychological First Aid (PFA) in threatened community. I also enjoy reading research coming from American researchers, Psychology research particularly, due to its pragmatics and logics. We can subtly validate whether or not the research reveals an appropriation, thus building falsification argument as one of science characteristics would also possible. Furthermore, studying in master of XX psychology and XX in Pennsylvania XX will help me to equip my applied and research skill.

References

Conry, J. (2015, October 5). Bostonglobe. Retrieved from Bostonglobe Web site:

Cusk, R. (2015, March 19). New York Times. Retrieved from New York Times Web site:

Mills, C. W. (2000). The Sociological Imagination. New York: Oxford University Press.

Nurhaena. (1995). "Keterlibatan Ayah dalam Pengasuhan Bayi dan Anak Kecil" [Father's Involvement in Rearing Babies and Toddlers]. Depok: University of Indonesia.

Rohman, A. (2013). Does Education Empower the Indonesian Women. Jurnal Ultima Humaniora, I(2), 103-108.

Sawitri, D. R., Creed, P. A., & Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J. (2013). Parental Influences and Adolescent Career Behaviours in A Collectivist Cultural Setting. Int J Educ Vocat Guidance.

Setiadi, B. N. (2006). Indonesia: Traditional Family in A Changing Society. In J. Georgas, J. W. Berry, F. J. van de Vijver, Ç. Kağitçibaşi, & Y. H. Poortinga (Eds.), Families Across Cultures A 30-Nation Psychological Study (pp. 370-377). New York: Cambridge University Press.
SHanafi   
Nov 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / Equal responsibility of parents - what's your opinion? IELTS TASK 2 [3]

On the one hand , society opine if mothers can allow to decide herself, it will be easy and create a lot of benefit for their children.

Try to use a single idea on your body and then do support your idea. Moreover, it is illogical if you use "on the other hand" in the first body paragraph since you have to present an idea not state a contrast on your intro. I try to present a part of body paraghraph below. Hopefully this helps :)

Parenting is about quality, not whether there is the equality of one or two appearance. Moreover, bringing up children in sole maternity having no correlation on impalpable love for children. It is, then, become vivid that single motherhood stands in easier position on giving her full attention to children rather than she should having a consensus with father, a navigator would never confuse you.
SHanafi   
Nov 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 : harmful junk food and education, discuss both views and give opinion. [2]

Experts believe that junk food consumption highly is bad for our body. Few people argue that education can be one of solutions to avoid them of it, whereas other think contrarily, it is not important to reduce the number of junk food consumer. This essay will discuss both points of view.

The trend of junk food consumption may deteriorate human health. To cope with such issue, some people argue that education on healthy diet is merely the solution. Others, however, stand on the paradoxical view which strongly believe this this is such a futile action. Moreover, I am of the opinion that educating people on their healthy intake may effective as long as it is followed by constant surveillance in lieu of giving information on healthy diet.
SHanafi   
Nov 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / Sophisticated constructions in the city center is not merely give worth-looking for the society. [4]

Let me straightly go the point of the task responses. Your work already answer the prompt, but this is just partial. On the other hand we should fully understand what the task is required and answer it in "holistic" way.

Striking backward to your prompt
Some people say that modern buildings are ugly and are ruining our towns and cities, especially when these buildings are very different from those around them. Others say that they add variety and interest . Discuss both these views and give your own opinion .

I am keen on to simplify the task, and finding its key words would be the best that I can suggest. All the green words are those the keys (please pay attention on them). Once I get the point then it is easy to break the idea in each paragraph. To more peruse, I am afraid that your answer does a miss in "give your own opinion". What can suggest you this part is a must, otherwise you are un-intended to get a sophisticated score. Wishing this helps
SHanafi   
Nov 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / The Detrimental Effect of Modern Communication to Social Live brings also some positive values IELTS [4]

Let me point of your answer engagement with the question.

Looking backward this part of your prompt

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In such prompt you have to answer the range of your agreement or disagreement related to providing issue, particularly about technological effect on human interaction. Hence, providing a paraphrase of either your agree or disagree is a must. Let me try to make an intro sample.

The advance of information technology proliferates in 21st century. Due to its easiest access, some messaging services such as email and messaging apps are used to build strong communication while another argument says that this may harm friend visit on particular. I tend to agree that using instant messaging to communicate will deteriorate face-to-face interaction as well as it can lead an apart relation of close relatives.

Hopefully it helps :)
SHanafi   
Nov 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / The automobile improvement causes some serious problems [2]

Body I suggestion : A paraphrase of improving life in your first body would be strengthen your claim on time and energy efficiency of car travel

Apart from this

Apart from its tangible benefit,

Apart from this, there are some hugeconsiderable problems occurring owing to the improvement of automobiles. Firstly, it causes extremely traffic congestion. If people prefer using the modern cars, they will drive these private cars on the streets which affectmay raisethe long traffic congestion. Secondly, such automobiles produce gas emission. These emission effect will reducedetractthe fresh air in our environment, then inevitably increase the risk of Upper Respiratory Track Infections, a hard disease like ISPA threats human habitats. an infectious respiratory disease caused by bacteria, mycoplasma and fungi.

Aside from my previous suggestions, I am afraid that you failed to provide one of prompt requirements, example(s)/fact, in your second body.To gain a good score, it is necessary to fulfil all of the task responses. Be more peruse further :D
SHanafi   
Oct 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / The main causes of the inequality between poor and wealthy countries - how this gap can be reduced? [2]

Hii.. Irfan, guessing you forget to brainstorm before do writing. I am not intend to harsh, but this work swerves sharply from its task responses. Let me try to explain more on what I usually do before writing.

Identify the prompt. Let us do with yours

The inequality between rich and poor nations is wider than it has ever been before. What do you think are the main causes of the difference and what do you think can be done to reduce the gap?

This prompt contains of opinion and tasks

Opinion : The inequality between rich and poor nations is wider than it has ever been before
Task 1 : What do you think are the main causes of the difference
Task 2 : what do you think can be done to reduce the gap

If you intend to gain higher score,engaging with those part above is a must! The next challenge is developing your idea. To do this, I strongly recommend to make mind map at least on your early 5 minutes. Include the main causes and solutions on your bodies.

Hopefully this helps :)
SHanafi   
Oct 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Required activities for high schoolers: charity, neighbourhood improving, teaching sports to kids [4]

This kind of work need to enhance reader impression by taking space(s) among the paragraph. With this way, examiner, is helped a lot to identify your essay structure, I mean, introduction, the bodies and conclusion.

Then, let me try to align some particular parts
Add some specific information

When I was young, I was working in a library.

ex: When I was second grade...

By working, students can get many useful life skills

,
By working, students can get soft skills such as confidence, responsibility and communication skill.

When they see that they can manage

When they could handle their job responsibly, ...

When they see that they can manage, their self confident will improve and they will have the encourage to do many creative works instead of staying at home and playing computer games as many students do on these days

This what I would suggest is avoid judgemental idea. We cannot judge majority students just stay at home and play games without any scientific data. So, I suggest to omit this part.

Despite some misspelling

self confident

| self confidence ,

comminication skills

| communication skills , I advice you to pay more attention on your intro and conclusion. I am afraid those are depicting recently is not fully answer the prompt. You have to fulfil task responses, unless, you are not intend to get higher score.

Hopefully this helps :)
SHanafi   
Oct 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / GRE argument task : Altering news content for late-night show [2]

'The following is a memorandum from the business manager of a television station.

"Over the past year, our late-night news program has devoted increased time to national news and less time to weather and local news. During this time period, most of the complaints received from viewers were concerned with our station's coverage of weather and local news. In addition, local businesses that used to advertise during our late-night news program have just canceled their advertising contracts with us. Therefore, in order to attract more viewers to the program and to avoid losing any further advertising revenues, we should restore the time devoted to weather and local news to its former level."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence would be needed in order to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

The case of manager and television station is quite understandable, but the depicting argument in some parts seems bemused.

The late night news is broadcasted on rest time. So the valuable visitor on that time for business exactly different when business manager take their advertisement in afternoon news. Further, increasing portion for national news content over local and weather could not strongly stand. The author does not make a cogent statistical based on why should national news, is the visitor keen on watching national over local one, or, what is the valuable of weather and local over national news so that the late-night news picks those alterations.

Following complaint from concerned people of weather and local news is also confusing. There is no exact statistical number about the proportion of protester, is it major or just minor, the author does not give an appropriate measurement. Thus, the decision to change the pattern as the former may bring bias. Content of complain too, do not clearly addressed. Is it about the decreasing duration of weather-local news or the way TV channel broadcast it.

All in all, the argument for restoring late-night show could be acceptable from the side of complain and business revenue. However, the author does may weekend the argument with not providing the exact base on why such decision is taken.

SHanafi   
Oct 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / GRE issue task : Nation should operate similar curriculum for its schoolchildren [2]

A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.


National curriculum may stand as a nation pathway to gain standardization. However, the implementation is not merely surrounded by benefit, as the case of uniqueness on education is still challenging. I too agree that while a nation should have a standard of education, the exception of some cases have to ponder too.

Studying in same national curriculum until college, a pathway of developing standard is built. In general, national curriculum is just element of education in every child which provides the outline core knowledge around teacher to help student gain a similar of educational achievement. Then, if it is well implemented, students are helped a lot in their undergraduate owing to sophisticated base that is taken by their nation. Despite the higher acknowledgement of western education, a tangible example in ASEAN can be seen in Singapore national curriculum. School graduates from Singapore can easily continue their undergraduate in US without any matriculation while another ASEAN school graduated should do. This then proofs that primary to high school national curriculum has taken its function appropriately.

On the other hand, in the case of indigenous education, curriculum similarity could not be accepted. Taking examples on disable learner cases, they need adaptation either in the curriculum material or in the educational infrastructure, blind students need braille textbook with special teacher, the deaf need more that sound system in language laboratory and students with paralytic illness need special material in sports. Due to those cases, what if the similar national curriculum for schoolchildren is strictly operated? Could they get similar opportunity like the other schoolchildren?

In conclusion, applying same national curriculum for elementary to high school elementary would appropriately guide student to get the similar expertise. However, some cases of student with disabilities have to highly consider too.

SHanafi   
Oct 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Tech and Brain power. Technology deteriorate human way of thinking - GRE issue Task [2]

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.


Brain power is interchangeably with the advance of technology. It cannot be doubted that technology already alter all of aspect of human life, from the personal to the public issue. However, due to this kind of phenomenon, I might less likely to agree that role of technology to solve problem could be totally deteriorate the way of human think.

Efficiency takes a huge part of human daily. We know that human, nowadays, tend to rely on technology immaturely in particular way. Taking an example of the market activities, even for simple calculation people are tend to use calculator instead of trying to think the exact sum of the goods. Whereas, we can also see the development of technology detract human socialize sense. Major adult in a metropolitan city, in Jakarta for example, choose to kowtow with another people in line as an optional, and favorably to chat with their WhatsApps or Line account.

On the contrary, technology is not merely harm people's way of think, regardless, it helps much particularly in decision making. As an tangible example is the case of business executives' work in stock exchange. Due to the technology, statistical data about currency rate could be appropriately monitored and then helps the custody to make decision. This might not effectively seen, if the ramification of technology does not exist. Government also, helps much in counting the death toll after devastating Tsunami 2006 in Indonesia due to the advance of technology. Imagine, if there should be calculated traditionally. How long it takes time? How long decision is made? and how long the survivor waiting for helps.

Having said that, I do agree that use technology for solving problem may deteriorate way of human think, if the user are too lied over the facilities. However, the case of helping technology could not be neglected is one of the supporting aspect of the way people think to solve many problems.

SHanafi   
Oct 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / GRE argument task : Budgeting riverside recreational activities in Manson River [3]

In surveys Mason City residents rank water sport (swimming, boating, and fishing) among their favorite recreational activities. The Mason River flowing through the city is rarely used for these pursuits, however, and the city park department devotes little of its budget to maintaining riverside recreational activities. For years there have been complaints about the quality of the river's water and the river's smell. In response, the state has recently announced plans to cleaning up Mason River. Use of the river for water sport is, therefore, sure to increase. The city government should for that reason devote more money in this year's budget to riverside recreational activities.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on the assumptions and what the implications are if the assumptions prove unwarranted.


While giving argument on why Manson city council should likely devote more budge to increase recreational activities in Mason River, the author argument does not make a cogent base, conceivably, this is stance strong with some rife, and thus, less stronger to lead funding.

Citing the rank of sport activities seems like claiming without any comparable variable. Author do not provide the base question on what activities are likely to choose from Manson's inhabitants related to this survey. So, the instrument's validity is questioned?. Analogically, a result of survey should show some optional and then make a rank based on the result getting from the subject. For example, there should be some pointing aspect, such as restaurant, sport facilities or just an artificial shunning view, that survey respondent favor on to build in their river. Unfortunately, this is not depicted in the author's argument.

Furthermore, survey population is also bemused. The author just said the conclusive without depicting any statistic proportion on how he/she can claim that is the representative result of the Manson city residents. Not surprisingly, a result should obviously share the proportion before state the conclusion. If far more 50% of respondent are favor on building sport facilities on Manson River, the claim on such survey can be reliable, on the contrary, claim with un-valid data like an antidote to the rigor of validity.

In conclusion, Manson city government may possibly invest on building of sporting facilities on Manson River as the ramification of survey. However, the depicting argument may bring un-satisfied base on whether it should implemented, the author claim is not likely persuade to allocate increased funding.

SHanafi   
Sep 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / Just laws and unjust laws : GRE Issue task [2]

Dear all, this writing comes from Eddy Suaib's acount, one of the contributor here, in another website, and I copied here as his permission. Hopefully you are kindly helping me to analize on how he builds the paragraph. Thank you

Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and to disobey and resist unjust law.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

======================================================================

The statement asserting individuals responsibility to obey just laws alongside to resist unjust law plays on recent human history. Regarding this, we should backward strictly seek a reflection on how just and unjust law can be determined. Letter from Birmingham Jail by Martin Luther King said; a just law is a code that squares with the moral law, or the law of God. An unjust law is a code that is out of harmony with the moral law. To put it in the terms of St. Thomas Aquinas an unjust law is a human law that is not rooted in eternal and natural law. Yet, while law is constructed by many pertinent assumptions, there are no exact indicator of whether one side is exactly true over the other, as far as I am concern, the position for obeying just law and resist unjust law should be seek more closely.

Every member of the society lives under constraint of law, and each of them not only legally but also morally has to obey the just laws conversely one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust law. Taking Nazi in World War II as an example. Nazi countries such as Germany and Netherlands enforced a number of horrific law to inflict and harm of the Jew while it was illegal to hide Jews from Nazi. At that time, many Jews were caught and sent to concentration camp where many suffered death. Regarding this, could our humanity accept the rules to obey such just laws? Or we should against the law in the name of humanity?

On the other hand, the definition of just an unjust laws shows us one of the difficulties with the idea of civil disobedience of unjust law. Some could argue the bias of which one is closely related to moral law or which one is out of harmony of moral law. People could argue that laws allowing abortion are unjust and should be disobeyed while, on the other spectrum, laws on against gay marriage are unjust. There is no way to objectively measured gay marriage is not rooted in eternal law. This means that the idea of obeying unjust laws is somewhat dangerous as it gives permission to anyone to disobey the legal law simply because their moral values are not in accordance with those laws.

To conclude, the responsibility to obey just laws and resist unjust laws in every member of society cannot be stood roughly as it followed by many related values. I agree, as the member of civil society, we should pondered many aspects with no infliction at all before obeying or not to obey either just or unjust laws.

SHanafi   
Sep 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / The bar chart shows that males enjoyed more leisure time than females throughout the period shown [4]

It is clear that males enjoyed more leisure time than females throughout the period shown. It is also noticeable that the figures for the unemployed and retired had by far the highest amount of leisure time by both genders

Overall, males spent more leisure time compared to females counterpart while the trend of both gender showed an identical in unemployed and retired group.
SHanafi   
Jun 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Internet excellence for communicating people and finding information [7]

Hii... lightfox thank you for scrutinize my work. I am little bit confuse to start my second body paragraph. Let me explain on why I put "on the other hand". I would like to make transition to make another idea. Particularly, I would like to start the counter fact providing in prompt about internet as the source of information.

By this way, you give a good solution on putting "Also". Thank you

Other disadvantages could be the lack if reliability (i.e. Wikipedia) and security (i.e. hackers).

Juan, Yap, in the beginning I made my mind map, I also consider to do as your suggestion, but the prompt just ask me to discuss not to differentiate which one has good benefit over other. So, I try this way :)

many thanks to give me different perspective in answering IELTS task 2.
SHanafi   
Jun 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Internet excellence for communicating people and finding information [7]

It is generally believed that the Internet is an excellent means of communication but some people suggest that it may not the best place to find information.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
==============================================================================
The advance of information technology proliferates in 21st century. Due to its easiest access, some people use this kind of service to build strong communication while others use such media as the field source of accurate information. I am of the opinion that using internet to communicate will negate the distance as well as it can rid the barrier of accurate information.

Internet makes distance becoming nothing. As internet sophisticated service, connecting people between countries even continent become common and easy. Taking examples of G20 countries form of communication that widely helped by the service of internet. They can communicate, even held a formal conference, via Skype. This, then, actually reduces the loss of time efficiency of airway travel. However, the easiest communication by the internet may deficient people productivity as it is used for unnecessary chat.

On the other hand, staying awake on what was happening currently becomes people primary needs. People are tend to become update for the upcoming news because, with this way, they will keep on track in their main job. A business executive, for instance, will keep his eyes on the happening rate movement of stock exchange to make sure that he can get the valid information for taking his step on the business strategy on other company shareholder. Meanwhile, the abundance source of information could flood people by unnecessary information as they cannot filter which one is needed or not.

In conclusion, using internet as means of communication cannot be avoided become people primary need similar to its function on providing accurate information. In my opinion, internet with its excellence is an analogy of a knife. It can help people to cut the barrier or perhaps could bring some harm as it not use appropriately.

SHanafi   
May 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Strict punishments for driving offences - safety reasons? [4]

On the other hand, there are many other ways which can be implemented to improved road safety. Firstly, It is very important toeducate our new drivers in the form of compulsory attendance at safe driving related courses and by making the driving book easier to understand for general public.

I suggest just to add one main idea in a paragraph then support it. So why educating a new driver can related to the increasing number of safety in the society, this is what you need to support then the further idea can be explain in different paragraph. Moreover, remember to conquer the time, for task 2, it is just 40 minutes maximum, isn't it?
SHanafi   
Apr 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / Discussion about people who are doing same things [4]

Changing is always happened in people's life. As such, some people believe that doing different actions is spectacular as they could acquire new experience. However, others argue that doing the same things for long time is better as it would decrease unexpected risks in their activity. Therefore, I personally believe that several different experiences have more experiences have more positive impacts.

Changing might be a trouble for those who suppose life stagnation. While change will grow into people life improvement, I believe that become stagnant or growing would depend on personal eminence grise.

There are many reasons why unusual actions are good. First of all, several new experiences improve people's ability (stop here).as theyPeople will find unique events which are not acquired in their daily activities such as trying to cook Tomyam when travelling to Thailand .when tourists from England travelling to Thailand, they try to cook mouth-watering local cuisines like Tomyam . In addition, some people would be more braver as new action developreleases their adrenalines such climb mountain, diving and soon (soon? guessing this is so on with a space)

Hopefully this helps :)
SHanafi   
Apr 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Number of private cars increased and its effects [6]

Hi, Kikiki

In general, you have to adapt essay pattern which are intro, body(ies) and conclusion. Those are not well depicted in such work. Moreover, make sure that the full prompt given is attached so essay task responses can be well review. I am happy to give my further review once it attached :D

I think it's

avoid contraction write it is instead.
SHanafi   
Apr 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Young officials recruited from prestigious colleges are needed to be a part of the government [4]

Beware to break down your prompt.
I am afraid that the essential about younger people are not suitable for important position in the goverment is not strongly discuss.If I were you, to include the strong argument in the side of younger succes in government position, I am keen on to disscuss about the success story of Bangalore ICT Industry which was the result from the good government of young people instead of the young government workers who are helped by college students. As a reader, I caught that the successful of traffic reduction in Bangalore is the work of college student not young people in his/her suitable position in the government.

Hopefully it helps :)
SHanafi   
Apr 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / As global trade increases, many goods are produced in other countries, transported long distances. [2]

Nowadays, there is a significant rise in world trade and this means that some goods which are consumed by people have to be made in other parts of the world, and be transported over long distance. While this trend has many benefits, I strongly believe that overall case creates several negative impacts.

Buying in China is, in fact, buying American. The phenomenon of notable companies which tend to outsource their products outside their countries is rising nowadays. While this fact will effect the tremendous international delivery, I convince that the benefit will overestimate its drawback.

Remember to put a space between your paragraph :)
SHanafi   
Apr 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Saving earth from enviromental damages caused by over using air to support exporting (IELTS Task 2) [3]

One the positive side, supporters of thisfruit and vegetables exportdevelopment say that exporting fruit and vegetables within air travelhas opened upmarkets which will encourage bring positive development for countries. For example, for local farmers in many poor countries(give empirical data as example(s) instead of describing common sense), this will be able to improve their income and standard of life qualities if they have opportunity to sell their goods to faraway foreign markets with high prices instead of producing staple crops for local market with low prices or their own consumption. As a result, farmers become more independent and do not depend on government's aid.

The Guardian reports,in 2014, that coffee take distributive advantage around 34% and 26 % of Ethiopia and Burundi export respectively while Mexico and Peru represent nearly 31% demand for coffee. It is possible that, through the air travel, distribution coffee to and fro of those countries will bring a symbiotic relationship in those countries economic state.
SHanafi   
Apr 1, 2015
Essays / Describe how you are going to contribute to your community by using full knowledge obtained [4]

do you think it is OK if I write how I will contribute to my home country ?

Hello Kevin
Is it for the study grant ? If yes, you may consider about the requirement of the program that you applied particularly about the mandatory on whether or not you have to back to your country after finish the program. As the essay for application goes personal, it is free to you to express yourself. I think if the grant required for back to Indonesia, your purpose for contributing the community in your country would be the best option.

Since I'm quite blank how to express current problem in my "community"

The best way to find the problem is reading. If I were you, I will collect lots of information in my interesting field through newspaper, journal research and another valid sources. Through this work, you will find the problem that you are interest it. Next job, you have to reflect the problem to your community. Sometimes you can compare about the situation/problem occurred in other place which is unavailable in your country. Remember, you have to tell why the problem is needed to solve in your community, show that importance. Then write it down to an essay :D

Hopefully it helps
SHanafi   
Mar 22, 2015
Graduate / 'America is not just a country it is an idea' Why master degree in USA? Cover Letter. [3]

Give your reason for wanting to pursue them in the U.S. Describe the kind of program you expect to undertake, and explain how your proposed field of study fits in with your educational background, your professional background, your future objectives, and your future involvement in community development.

=================================================================================================
America is not just a country it is an idea. America brings the sense can do spirit in almost entire of humankind. From McCormick feeding the world to Rockefeller revolutionized energy and medicine, America has been proved within the power of idea, impossibilities become possible covert with expert. In the area of Psychology, however, American Psychological Association (APA) not only stance stronger as the world largest psychological profession association but also through its Disaster Response Network (DRN), in recent decades, has attempted the leading of adequate disaster mental health assistance. I hope that studying through the coveted of American-trained master degree will complete my future proficient service to be high qualified.

An ethical obligation on psychological services plays a vital role so as to provide proficient care. In order to do this, professionals should have sophisticated training and skills needed even though those who had some workshops or minimal training still able to provide counseling and psychological service. This what I want to pursue by studying through MA International Disaster Psychology (MAIDP), University of Denver, which will lead me towards my dream to be a disaster mental health professional. MAIDP program was created in response to the observation that there really were no training programs for international disaster psychology or such programs at graduate level. Even more, the 8 weeks mandatory internship within MAIDP's program could be even more difficult than I might imagine as this will be the real struggle to prove textual lesson into practice in the real world, the work is often in poor, under-served and sometimes dangerous, but it might provide the excellent experience that I dream of.

Furthermore, I plan to use my license to educate, train and prepare potential disastrous people in my country not only in terms of emergency but also in preparedness to reduce the risk of unavoidable hazard. I dream to spread out the essential of disaster psychology in my country, Indonesia, through the service provided by GO or NGO. Particularly, the work in the disaster area in Indonesia was begun since a large scale of Earthquake and Tsunami hitting Nangroe Aceh Darussalam (NAD) and North Sumatera in the year 2004 which was claiming the lives of 165,708 people, and inflicting property loses of 4.45 IDR trillion. Meanwhile, educational jurisdictions also raised its awareness in providing disaster postgraduate programs, but unless master applied of disaster psychology in University of Indonesia no programs as yet concentrated in the area of disaster psychology. The fact shows that the area of relieving, reducing and recovering the survivors' mental health state will be one of the essential field that on my local communities needed nor mitigating the survivor mental health is more crucial for some certain areas. I wish that finishing my bachelor degree in psychology, volunteering in Merapi eruption in 2010, working in rural community service for this recent years and prospective studying in MAIDP will open my opportunity to work in my dream job, helping vulnerable people in emergency professionally.
SHanafi   
Mar 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / I wish... I knew Goa Gala-Gala. My narrative essay about a secret place. [7]

Well, actually, these kind of senses that I catch based on your work.
This is better, I think. Can I say, the place is not made by your grandpa but the old man's grandpa ?

I will be not lonely anymore if others come after this.

. Thanks to this information, I suggest you to explain more on what kind of that place truly ? Is it a traditional accommodation that can use for commercial using ? or your experience is just a mystical as you met the old man suddenly in the forest ? then what about the Fernan suggested place? Is it the Old man place is Fernan Suggested place? or if it is different. Tell us briefly, why you are interested to stay in the old man place and not to continue your journey to find the Fernan's place?

Lastly,

After that day, I kept remember him who had been a part of my life. This will not be forgotten ever!

Why you remember this experience, what kind of activities or moments that old man gives you as the memorable event throughout your life ?

This is an interesting story :)
SHanafi   
Mar 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / Happiness is a feeling of pleasure or enjoyment. For this reason people see money as its source. [2]

Happiness is a feeling of pleasure or enjoyment . For this reason, the majority of people see money as a source of happiness. While other people argue that happiness is something deeper, I personally believe that there two factors to measure happiness: getting a sense of achievement and spending time with family and friends.

Conversely, some people in this world determine success in a depth. The happy planet index of American citizens in 2008 examines happiness on a national level according to three measurements: their citizen's happiness, how long they live, and how much of the planet's resources are this country consumes. (There should be connector sentence(s) here, your argument related to the example) As a result, it is necessary to live a good life to get happiness.

PersonallyBroadly speaking, happiness can be acquired by getting achievement. To illustrate, a student who gets band score 8 for IELTS test feels happy because he can get a seat offor learning at Cambridge University as one of high-qualified university in this world(examiner already knows that Cambridge is one of the world leading university) . As a resultIt can be said that, happiness means achieving personal or professional (as it similar, choose one to avoid overuse) goals from some endeavors. Also, people will feel happy when they enjoy spending time with their families and friends because both of them are the root of happiness in human life.[/quote]

In conclusion, while many people assume that money is a key for being happiness, I would argue that there are many factors other than economic aspect for people to be happy. The most important is how people can behave well, respect to others (these are not attached in your bodies. As it is better to depict a new idea in conclusion, omit them), and be optimist to achieve their goals. By doing so, people will find a sense of happiness in their lives.

As your effortfull to improve such writing skill, hopefully a good band score is yours. :D
SHanafi   
Mar 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / Today, there are a lot of kitchen utensils available in the market, which people can buy. Quick food [2]

Hi, Zuhairan

Nowadays, food becomes easier to prepare. Has this changed improved the way people live?

Yes or No

I am afraid that your answer little bit nowhere from the topic. If I were you. I would aligned the focus of the prompt before breaking it to the writings.

Your prompt is focus on is the easier of food preparation improved the way people live ? Yes or no ?.
If yes why and if no why ?
Looking back to your intro

More attention should be paid on how instant food can change people's lifestyle. Many a person thinks that it is easy to prepare a meal at the present time. While it is true to some extent as many inventions are found to help people accomplish cooking activities such as rice cooker and microwave which can make their lives more relaxed, other people argue that eating fast food is more likely to be harmful because people do not know about the food nutrition especially when they eat meals in restaurant and fast-food outlets. However, I totally believe that this improvement affects the way of people's lives.

So what kind of live improvement occuring on people's life, this is what you should focus on your futher pararaph.
Some probable ideas that I am keen on to suggest you are providing below

1. The more quicker food is served, the more providing time to work effectively. You can add a case of urban worker who live on hectic schedules in a traffic city that is very helped by this kind of technology.

2. Early mothers is helped by its technology as they have plenty of time to care their baby.


Then in the next paragraph you can add some contra opinions about no life improvement on people caused by the easier meal preparation such as :

1. People are tend to consume instant food rather than prepare healthier food for its daily diet.
2. Skill of cooking could be degenerated over time due to its developing technology.


I think, just need a little alteration to amend the coherence related to the task responses.
Beside those suggestions, I enjoy reading this work. Hopefully this helps.
SHanafi   
Mar 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / People's life would be completely different without Internet; IELTS essay [5]

Apart from these benefits, the Internet sometimes has brought society to obtain problems. Firstly, a lot of research points out there are some dangerous websites people do not realize.

Firstly, a lot of research (what research? give a specific example if you can)

Let me give an example on how to attach an example by research.
Apart from these tangible benefits, Internet could engage with children safety issue. As per the Crime against children research Centre, The University of New Hampshire, one out of every five youth who use the Internet received an online approach of sexual solicitation during a one-year period. This, then, can potentially raise to the sexual abuse. However, in accordance to promote a safer online environment, parents should assure that their children online activities is always under surveillance.
SHanafi   
Mar 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / Reaching at the pinnacle of success requires dedication and determination [3]

I find this statement absolutely accurate as it is in consonance to the famous saying "hard work is the key to success". People often latch on to some reasons or the other (this part need to clarify,other reasons or something?) for not working hard, and ultimately, when they fails, they hold on their luck for the success responsibility . This kind of approach towards your work will ultimately doom your life . Working hard is the ultimate requirement in order to achieve any target. Reaching at the pinnacle of success requires dedication, determination and perseverance. Just sitting on the couch and waiting for the God'sto shine the light of success on you is simply a waste ofwasting time. You musthave to get up and find a reason to live. Even luck does not favor those who don't (avoid contraction in formal writing, write do not instead) believe i n working hard.

Hard work always pays. When you have performed your task, with full resolve then nobody can stop you from tasting the fruits of your hard work. It generally a presumption by variousmany motivational and educational; speakers that success is 70% of hard work and 30% of luck. Hence, it is quite evident that most of the part of the journey to success requires you to work hard . Having said that, I would not take away all the credit from luck for its role to play in anyone's liferoles it plays in anyone's life . However, success is something that guarantees results. Even if you already work hard, and due to bad luck, you are unable to achieve what you had decided. then at least Thus, you won'twould not have the regret of not even giving it a shot . This feeling of contentment which you get on working hard in your work is far better than any other feelings. When you give you hundred percent is something (this is not clear enough) ,success will come on its own to your door.Thus, we must stop waiting fotforwaiting our good luck to arrive , and have the resolution to commit our self to hard work, as it is the one and only key to success.
SHanafi   
Mar 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / I wish... I knew Goa Gala-Gala. My narrative essay about a secret place. [7]

Komang, your story's flow for me bring an abstruce. You say that you decided to go to Nusa Dua Lembongan to find out the Fernan suggested place. However, in the end of your story you say that the cave is built by your grandfather 11 years ago. Moreover, what about the old man, is he part of Fernan partner that serving to guide a surprise for you ?. How can he suddenly stay in a forest for waiting you ?

Probably, in those parts, you have to make it clear.

The thing I liked best when we met was we always had a good conversation.

Look at on your verb and conjunction agreement in this sentence.

It has allot of sense to bring my memory back of my astonishing holiday in an amazing Island.

Allot is different with a lot . While it corrects that you use "allot", this sentence is identifying for overusing verbs.

This made me felt relief and challenged in finding it out.

It should be equivalently written.
ex : noun and noun or adjective and adjective

"You are deaf!

Are you deaf ?

Hopefully it helps
SHanafi   
Mar 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Taxes burden citizens in some countries. [6]

some people who have an occupation take responsibility for paying the children's education cost rather than spending money on the state. A

This is not clear enough. Some tips to clarify it. State that.
Why white or blue collar should be responsible for children education in general ? Is it kind of policy to subsidy children school grant from the occupational worker's salaries ? if it's yes state where and when is it ?

. Result shows that in the cosmopolitan cities such as Melbourne and London, the cost of living is extremely expensive. Averagely, citizens have annual expenditure of $52,000.

Not every reader has wide range of knowledge on living standard in the countries that you attached. It is better to you to depict the comparison between the average expenditure and the moderate living cost there.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Tia, remember to show how far do you agree or disagree with the issue in your conclusion.

Beside those suggestions, you did a good job :)
SHanafi   
Mar 11, 2015
Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [413]

Hi.. Komang

Thanks so much my friend, I would love to. Thank you, just please free feel to correct my mistakes, ok? It perfectly would make my English skills become better.

Ok, my pleasure.

I am from Indonesia, it means we are in same region of the world, right? :D

Yap, you just open my profile hhaha ^.^
There are many Indonesian people do learning in this forum, too. While you use this forum in appropriate way, your writing skill would be improved. Just do write, post it and remember as you are helped by the forum members, you have to help them in their writing work, too.

See you in your further work :D
SHanafi   
Mar 11, 2015
Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [413]

Hello everybody.. How are you doing?

Hi, Komang. Welcome to EF
Apa Kabar ?

I realize that I have a lot of weaknesses on English skills

No matter what kind of English level you have, just posting your writing work and we will share more. Hopefully you will get both of friendship and learning here ^.^

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