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Posts by SHanafi
Name: Sekar Hanafi
Joined: Jan 17, 2014		 Last Post: Jul 2, 2017
Threads: 120
Posts: 415  
Likes: 93
From: Indonesia
School: Diponegoro University

Displayed posts: 535 / page 3 of 14
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SHanafi   
Oct 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: established preparation at school to become good mother and father? [2]

Nowadays, that became a big question for some parents.

incomplete sentence

Many people agree about that training but I think that is not make a sense so I tend to disagree for some reasons.

While many people agree that formal training for parenting should be given for schoolchildren, I argue that it is unnecessary to train early at school.(I suggest you to use periodic sentence)

One of them 1 is it will 2 influence the psychology as a child.

Grammatical issues. 1. Them is not clearly referred 2. There is be and modal. So you need a conjunction

I think1 some people have2 different perspective to construe that3 meaning so how the school ready to give formal training to their student (put S V pattern after a conjuction) ?

1 & 2 are verbs. For two verbs you need a conjuction
3 is conjunction .
SHanafi   
Oct 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: improving sports facilities can increase public health but other factors are also important [2]

Hi, fadlan

There(1) are many options to improve healthy citizens nowadays. Some people assume that growing the total of sports facilities is the most important to rising(2) national fitness (3) . While it is reasonable, I tend to believe that this progressive improvement is unlikely influence potentially in public health and the other reasonable possibilitymeasuresisare needed.

1. Avoid using "there" in your starting. It effects nothing to catch your examiner's attention.
2. National fitness, I guess this kind of public health paraphrasing. To me, it sounds mechanic instead of depicting a condition. It may simply write national health or national physical well-being.

3. Inappropriate "to infinitive" using

You attempt to break the prompt in your debatable thesis statement, and this is may accept as a paraphrasing. However this quite confusing, I suggest you to alleviate the using of the adverb and pay attention about mixing words as noun phrase.

Let me try to do your intro
The sufficient numbers of sport facilities may improve the national's psychical well-being. Although the government attempt to provide such facilities, the opponents assume that this less influences to maintain good health of public. I believe that another measures are needed.

The commence body paragraph

Some people believe the total numbers of sporting local facilities (local sporting facilities ) determines (rid "s") unambiguously (using this adverb confuses your idea) the percentage of community's health condition (1) . As a straightforward (2) example, 85 percent of citizen in Jakarta have a positive general fit test. It is caused by a lot of sports(5) centers show an upward trend in the state(3). While it is measurable, we should realize that there are several factors are required(4) to increase public health.

Possible suggestions
(1) Is this your main idea?. I think this is more suitable for constructing thesis statement in the introduction. Thus, this sentence needs a conjunction.
(2) I am afraid this is un-appropriate vocabulary.
Dictionary says "straightforward" a. means easy to understand or simple b. honest about your feelings or opinions and not hiding anything. A possible suggestion, write As an example,

(3) This sentence needs a conjunction or omit one of those verbs.
(4) Use active form
(5) Noun adjunct cannot be plural. I also saw this mistake in different part. Please correct it :D

Further paragraph

I am of the opinion that sport facilities exceedingly (1) likely will not help public health and other factors need to be considered (2) . Evidence for this is provided by the health condition of local inhabitants in Singapore. (stop here)Such condition is considerably drop-down(3) in recent year; (omit semicolon)nevertheless, (omit comma) even though Singapore's government always increased a number of sports infrastructures year by year. This case is caused by the increasing numbera lot of smokers and high consumptionconsumer of unhealthy meals in the country. As the solutions of this problem , the government replaces tobacco cigarette to be electric cigarette(4) and build more healthy foods centers. Those solutions must be seriously considered to pump up the percentage of public health (5) .

(1) Beware while you combine words. Exceedingly means extremely. This is does not make a sense while you said sport facilities is extremely will not improve citizen health. Remember in the previous paragraph you give an evidence in health improving in Jakarta as mushroomed of sport centers.

(2) Beside your opinion in the beginning of the paragraph, would you help me to show where the main idea is?
(3) Ovoid redundant, drop exactly comes down, buddy :D
(4) Government do change tobacco cigarette to electric one or government should make a regulation to change the using of cigarette from natural tobacco to the artificial one?

(5) I suggest to omit the last sentence, as you write similar idea in the beginning of this paragraph.

The last paragraph

On balance, improving sports facilities probably can increase healthy in publicity (1), even though unhealthy lifestyles such as smoking tobacco cigarette and consuming fast food play important role to increase public health(2) . Therefore, we should pay more attentions to the other factors, alongside increasing a number of sports infrastructures, to stimulate health status of population.
reply / quote

(1) "Publicity" looks similar with "public" but it has different meaning. Kindly re-check in your dictionary.
(2) I am afraid this is irrelevant. Why unhealthy lifestyle can be important in increasing public health ?

Probably my conclusion can help you.
Having said that, the ample of sport facilities can be good as the effort to improve public health. On the other hand it is not quite adequate as bad habit of smoking and consuming unhealthy food does not encounter its' solutions. In my opinion, government should change the regulation for using artificial cigarette and also building accessible healthy food centers in order to maintain the nation's health.

Overall, your essay answered the prompt.
SHanafi   
Sep 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS 1] Time Spent in different media by teenagers and US Adults. [6]

Hy, ritairiantri. You write a proper structure for IELTS task 1. However, let me give few suggestions.

wit

did you mean with ?

The line graph present

A grammatical issue
The line graph presents or the line graphs present

The line graph present data about teenagers who spend the time with five variant media per-day in hours and the table illustrates about United State Adults who waste the time with plenty of media per-day in minutes over a four year period, from 2010 till 2013.

This kind of bulky paragraph containing too much information. Possibly, It is better if you break it down to two paragraphs.
the right parallelism must be from... to...

Overall mostly inhabitant watch television as the best choice to spend their time, it shows betweenboth on the line graph and table.

I suggest you to separate your intro and your overview part. Clearly written or paraphrasechildren and teenager instead write inhabitant as it attached in your prompt.

Accordingfromto the graph

According from the graph, music and audio are quite popular with 3 hours per-day and become the second options to spend the time among teenagers between 18 years old, in contrast with US Adults prefer spend the time approximately 170 minutes each day with internet than audio visual with 89 minutes in 2013.

If you could, try to separate it. I am not too keen that a paragraph just contains with a sentence.

I agree that such prompt is the advance one which include much information. So it should be difficult to make a proper report. I guess that you need more than 20 minutes to complete it, so do I if I face this prompt :DD

Another suggestions for you are pay attention about the tense use and attach full part of the prompt. I saw you use full of simple present while the prompt depicts the past data (2010-2013). Furthermore, you are not report data on Mobile and the groups from 8 to 12 years old . Try to include in in your essay to increase your mark.

Overall, this is good and hopefully those work for you :)
SHanafi   
Sep 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Transportation in Surabaya - my hometown" - essay for replacement test of IALF [3]

Hi, Betty

The sentences are too short to be considered paragraphs

I am in line with Vangiespen. In order to write in formal situation you have to use compound and complex sentences. Your essay looks separate partially. It effects on essay's flow and coherence which are not built well.

However, let me try to give some minor corrections

I've been

it's possible

bemo isn't

it's easy

it won't

It's good

can 't take

it's possible

It's very helpful

We don't

we shouldn't

For thoses cases, avoid contraction in formal writing. Write in up in the complete form e.g : I have been or we should not . Contraction commonly used in spoken.

The increasing of the number of population,(omit the comma) absolutely will influences the demandnumber of transportation.

It isjust because we need transportation to do our activities every daydaily activities

So it's possible to find many transportation in the road including public transportation and personal vehicles.

As results, it is obvious that the number of public and personal vehicles increase dramatically.

Surabaya also has a traditional transportation that we call pedicabcalled Becak

Hopefully these help :)
SHanafi   
Sep 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Video games are harmful if people play them in the wrong ways [7]

With(avoid in starting your sentence) the development of technologies

Probably the example from my dictionary can help you

e.g :
Compared with other schools, the salaries here are very low
Dawson is now producing a stage version of the story with a cast of young actors from New York

that people benefit a lot from video games

you need a verb

he modern life and work are rather stressful,(put a comma) and it is a good choice for people to get relaxed and refresh themselves by playing video games

SHanafi   
Sep 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts: key factors for being successful. [9]

Hi, Abdurasul
I saw your effort to answer the prompt. I just do few suggestion.

It is certainly true that some people claim hard working and determination are the only ways to get successful in the life, while others argue that there are other factors that are more critical when it comes to achieving success.

You do make a background and thesis statement in a sentence. This is too long and effects the reader hard to get the information.

Let me try to break
Hard working and determination bring the way to achieve life success. While those factors take huge impact in the people's success, some people claim that chasing a success life needs another important factors to complete in. Then you can continue to state your opinion.

One must admit that hard working is essential character for every single specialist,rid the comma because without it no achievement can be reached.

In clarifyingobviously , working hard on your speciality and being determined can help you to improve your knowledge,rid the comma which has a direct and positive impact on a person's success

Alexander Pushkin, for example, is a great russian writer and poet, who had many difficulties with literature in his childhood, achieved success thanks for being hard-worker and determined.

Your punctuation using (comma) make your idea are not well deliver.
A possible sugestion
Alexander Rushkin, for example, achieved great success become Russian writer due to his hard work even though he suffered with literature difficulties in his childhood.

In other words

On the other words,

Overall, pay more attention about punctuation using. When you put a conjunction in the centre to connect your main and sub clause, it is unnecessary to put a comma.

Hopefully it helps.
SHanafi   
Sep 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

Be confident in what you know. You have prepared all this time to take the IELTS. Now is not the time to second guess yourself. There will be moments when logic and common sense will come in handy as you interpret the essay prompts.

I think i need more of my effort to gain it.

Thank you in advance, Lousa. I see and hopefully the common sense will hand in me.
It's nice to share with you :)
SHanafi   
Sep 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

Hi, Louisa
It nice to get a clear explanation from you.

. The rules are only hard and unchangeable as you study grammar as an English student.

it is me, lol...

Looking at the chart, I saw that the months referred to the past year and not the current year.

I do agree with your idea to break down the propmt, but what if such condition face me in the examination. Should I write with present or past ?

As we know IELTS writing's exam closely engaged with task responses. Am I in line with the task response if I write such prompt with past ? The suggestion comes from many books require to write this prompt with present.
SHanafi   
Sep 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

Hi, Louisa. Well actually your comments are very valuable. However, may I ask something that make me confuse.

The tables indicate that Darwin recorded moderate temperatures ranging

while the hottest period in Kuala Lumpur occurred

by those suggestions why the verb should be written in simple past as the prompt did not clearly refferred the past year ?
Based on my understanding, we can use simple past when the past year clearly written in the prompt. Would you kindly give me a simple understanding about this. Thank you Louisa :)
SHanafi   
Sep 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Temperature and Rainfall in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur (two tables) [7]

The tables compare the data on the rate of temperature and precipitation over a calendar year in two different countries.

Clearly, there are a four-month from May to August showing similar temperatures. Likewise, May records an identic number of rainy days in Darwin and Kuala Lumpur.

As per the tables, Darwin covers with moderate temperature recording the average at 32oC in January, February and August, a similar temperature occurring in Kuala Lumpur weather from July to December. However, the highest rate of temperature in Darwin breaks the hottest degree in Kuala Lumpur. In October and November, Darwin records 34oC while the hottest period in Kuala Lumpur occurs between February and June with a point lower than Darwin has.

On the hand of rainfall, Darwin's precipitation rates throughout the year experiences more volatile fluctuation than the number of rain in Kuala Lumpur. Coming with the wettest month with 20 days rainy in the early year, it drops to no rain at all in July and August. Kuala Lumpur has a similar amount number of rain with Darwin in October and November, yet both of countries identify a similar number of rain in March.




SHanafi   
Sep 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Causes and solutions student less leisure [6]

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

====================================================

School and leisure play a pivotal role for students all over the world. While the great numbers of academic demand pursue students to achieve sophisticated knowledge, they should sacrifice much of their leisure to accomplish it. As per the problem, I believe some solutions should be pondered to overcome such students' difficulty.

Schoolchildren nowadays are forced by many duties either in school or extra courses. This may increase the tendency for parents to support them in various activities, however, this decision unconsciously kills the schoolchildren's time to have leisure. In order to enhance the sophisticated school mark it may accepted, but it takes student far deeply in the mental pressure. Results show 80 % of Australian parents register their children to special a course called TAFE in purpose to get some extra coaching for preparing a sophisticated university examination, and most of students are suffered with a mild state of mental distress.

Another possible cause is the national policy including shorter duration of study in elementary stage. While this policy implement, student have to force their-self to fulfill all of the requirement. In Indonesia this called Akselerasi which cuts a year of study term than its normal. Schoolchildren who join with such program commonly engaged with several extra lessons out off main class as their study work far outweigh over the regular class. As a result, their leisure time must be sacrificed.

Having said that some solutions can be taken to solve this problem.
Firstly, school and parents should provide a positive atmosphere for children to study, either at the school or at home, in purpose to avoid much pressure in the students study work. The atmosphere is not only about school facilities and environments but also making a suitable schedule that considerably takes the portion of the children's leisure. Secondly, the State Ministry of Educational Affairs has a responsible to make a federal policy encountering student needs of the sufficient time in study and leisure, this policy plays a vital role for the educators in practicing study process. Finally, the core of the solution comes from students' struggle to face study work. Students are expected to have a full set of soft skill in accordance to support their study such as self-commitment, self-discipline and self-manageability. While student also completed with such skills, the pressure coming from the schools' works should be easily to hand in.

In conclusion, some possible causes come from the parents influence and the federal policy in educational system. Meanwhile, the viable solutions cannot stance stronger independently, but it should make a synergy from the school, parents, government and student as the learner.
SHanafi   
Sep 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 : GDP line graph [3]

GDP started at the point of $19 million in 2000, this was the second highest rate showed in the graph.

Is my newest is accepteable, eddies ?
GDP started at the point of $19 million in 2000 which had accounted as the second highest rate of the overall trend.
SHanafi   
Sep 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Line graphs of car theft in 4 different countries [2]

The line graphs compare the number of car theft per a 1000 vehicles in a four-country from 1990 to 1998.

Overall, United Kingdom is far outweigh France, Canada and Sweden in the cases of car robbery over the nine years under review. UK and France depict a slight fluctuation of the car stolen case while Canada's care robberies decreasing in numbers as the opposite of the increasing cases in Sweden.

As per the line charts, UK recorded the car theft at 18 cases per a thousand vehicles in 1990, and it was higher alongside a third number of case happening in Sweden. Furthermore, UK experienced a slight fluctuation to reach its peak at 20 cars stolen in 1996 prior to predict a decrease at 18 cases from 1998 onward. Similarly, those cases in France also fluctuated in numbers. Coming 9 cases recorded in 1990, the cases decrease to account 8 cases in 1998, an identical number with the case showed in 1995.

However, Sweden suffered by the increasing cases of car theft over other three countries. It began with the lowest at 6 cases then underwent a steep incline by 12 cases from 1996 to 1997. Standing in contrast, Canada had 7 cases of car stolen in 1990 then within three years, the cases decrease to around 6 cases per 1000 theft vehicles.




SHanafi   
Sep 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 : GDP line graph [3]

The line graph shows the changing of Gross National Product, GDP, in a particular country over eight years period from 2000 to 2008.

Overall, GDP movement varied considerably. In any case of a decline showing in the first five years, the GDP growth rocketed to more than it happened in the end period under review.

As per the line graph, GDP started at the point of $19 million in 2000, this was the second highest rate showed in the graph. While the GDP recorded to decline steadily to $15 million in two following years, the trend persisted to reach the low of trough to just under $10 million between 2003 and 2005.

A closer to the GDP's trend in the year 2006, it had shown a slight increase in amount at $10 million before experienced a breakneck pace until a peak of $20 million, a million dollar higher than the GDP's trend began in 2000.




SHanafi   
Sep 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The pie charts indicate different percentages of expenditure on seven items [6]

The pie charts indicate different percentages of expenditure on seven items in US from 1966 to 1996.

The pie charts show the changing of the seven US expenditures in 1996.

within 30 years.

I am afraid that such information given is not attached in your charts. IELTS task 1 requiress the examinee to make a report with factual data attaching in the prompt.
SHanafi   
Sep 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - The residents of Edmonton are especially keen on cars [7]

The pie chart compares the percentages of different modes of transportation used in Edmonton. Whilst the table illustrates the main reasons for trvalling by car.

The blue one is fragment sentence. While a complete sentence needs main clause, so you have to revise it.
A possible sollution is changing a pullstop, punctiation mark, with a comma then the capital letter in the beginning should be changed.
A result
The pie chart compares the percentages of different modes of transportation used in Edmonton, whilst the table illustrates the main reasons for travelling by car. Pay a particular attention about word-spelling.
SHanafi   
Sep 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Writing Task 2- Crime in The World [4]

Hi mann.
This is good. However, let me give few suggestion

crime has been occurringtill this day

Avoid spoken expression in formal writing

And latest news about the criminal can be seen on television or internet

This is fragment sentence, you need a main sentence.

. Secondly, sexual crime is become serious threat in this age. But, government has been already overcome with create laws regulating sexual activities. If government has not been able to overcome its cases , public and stakeholders should conscious to combat the crime with increase awareness and carefulness.

Maintain your idea here. It is does not make a sense if the government already overcome the case of sexual crime then you state a conditional situation if the case is not overcome.

Such as creating community triggers and creating new regulating laws more assertive.

It needs a main sentence.

Duo to

due to

This condition proves that commissions need extra works to solve that

It sounds spoken. You should clarify where "that" refers to.

that sexual crime rate steady rise

...that sexual crimes rise steadily.

Even though, the government attempts to handle that, in fact, sexual crime still increase

Some issues of punctuation using. A possible suggestion, Even though the government attempts to hand in the case of sexual crimes, the cases still increase nowadays.

Striking backward to your prompt and your conclusion

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

---

To sum up, crime still occurs almost in all parts of the globe. The crime happens with same cases even new cases every day. Preventing crime is not easy. Government, stakeholders, and publics (public is a plural noun, omit "s") need considerable effort to reduce that cases, because that is impossible to stop the crime.

To engage with the task responses, the conclusion should involve your personal view "To what extend do you agree or disagree".
SHanafi   
Sep 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] Strategic area for a new school in the town of Canterbury. [4]

Hello, tiaDS

The map depicts the city planning in the town of Canterbury where are connected with two areas; Chartham and Sturry. There are three public zones; educational facility and infrastructural public transportation. Overall, there are two strategic areas which will be built a new school in the town of Canterbury.

You made a little mistake, please separate your overview with the introduction.

There are three public zones; educational facility and infrastructural public transportation

where is the place of the public zones ? I do think it should add in this sentence.

the university can be seen in the northeast of the S1 area and in the west there is Town Centre. The main road connects from Town Centre to Sturry.

Beware about the direction. You map depicting the university location is in the north-west of S1 and in the north of Town centre.
SHanafi   
Sep 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Climate change is a threat for the earth regardless of people's actions. [4]

"layout" is very important! I mean, you should divide your essay into several parts

I on his side, please put a space between your paragraph.

. Most of these climate changes are attributed to very small variations in Earth's orbit that change the amount of solar energy our planet receives; the political action does not support to tackle the excessive consumerism and pollution, however. It was proven from both sides, school that lacks(alter "that" with an adjective) explanation for the students to respect the environment and planet, an industry which(alter with an adjective) has no pressure to develop responsible environmental.

This a bulky sentence and contain the issue of punctuation using. If you could, please separate it to help the reader caught your idea.

Striking backward to your prompt. It requires to state your agreement which do you agree, to engage with such prompt, please make an emphasize of your personal side in in your conclusion. similar in your doing in your thesis statement.

In the other hand,

On the other hand,

the fewer trees grows

tree grows or trees grow

You put many linking words, beware of overuse it. Then, you have to conquer time, as the writing exam just gives you 40 minutes to complete the task.

Hopefully these help.
SHanafi   
Sep 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Regulation regarding advertisements' unnecessary impact on people's lives [5]

After examining both sides of the advertisement debate , it is hard to not to side with the more relevant thought of regulating the advertisements with its contents and avoid unnecessary impact on people's lives. It is hoped that the Government will bring these regulations in swift basis and avoid any future harms.

It doesn't give any value to your conclusion. I am too keen using a conclusion signal. Probably you can use
In conclusion,
To sum up,
In a nutshell,
In summary,

it needs

Pronoun "it" repeats for times. If you could make come alteration, the essay's flow would be better.

Overall, your writing is well and appropriate with the prompt.
SHanafi   
Sep 13, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'Women absolutely dominate in two fields' - male and female teachers [8]

Overall, it can be seen that woman outnumber men inthis type of career

This is not clearly referred.It is also not fair while the graph shows man's worker outnumber women in University and Private training institute.

To sum up, it is clearly seen that women prefer working at primary education institutes where as men choose teaching at higher educational settings.

Please kindly re-check, women also record a higher number than than of the men counterpart in nursery and pre-school's field.
SHanafi   
Sep 13, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: to be an expert in one field is not better than to have broad knowledge of many subjects [3]

people who have broad knowledge ofin different fields can be more competitive than others

In 2008, the financial crisis made her boss decided to cut off employees

One day, the boss explained to my sister the reason why he did not dismiss her was that she has broad knowledge of different fields.

the flow interrupted while you are not explain what is the specific reasons effecting your sister struggle in the company. , Probably you can add such information before go forward to the next sentence.

Fast forward to your prompt. It requires you to write personal agreement which you are agree or disagree. It would fulfil the task response if you write it personally instead of making a generalization.

we may safely draw the conclusion

SHanafi   
Sep 13, 2014
Undergraduate / Running a mile into the UC 2015 Prompt! [6]

Many times we underestimate the power in theof a single smile and that was what made all the difference that day

Those miles, although they seem like simple exercises that were just a part of physical education, camecoming to my backbone.

Those were the times that I feltthe need to dig a little deeper to find that the spark inside me, and find the determination to finish what I chose to start, whatever that maybe

AndT hose smiles of encouragement and support, came to be reflected in both of myfriends and family in the day of coming years and arise my spirit to run to the finish line .everyday of the coming years that held another mile for me to run and this time finish

ButAs result , I didn't did not reach the finish lineit alone, my tired legs may have been carrying my body, but those smiles carried my heart to the finish line.

I hope my suggestions are quite in line with the idea that you want to deliver. This is nice essay, personally and lively.
SHanafi   
Sep 12, 2014
Writing Feedback / MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL [4]

I wonder that you can write the prompt and purpose of the essay. It is addressed for IELTS, TOEFL or perhaps GRE.

First of all, some people have clear thoughts about life and morals, for this reason it is as clear as the water what money is mainly for. This kind of people, with principles and good behavior, look at money as a friend, as a necessity, and use it for good reasons such as education, health, in-future activities and emergencies.

I like your idea in such paragraph. However, it will probably better if you add some examples to support your main idea.

, etc. is w

be careful in using punctuation.

On the other hand, there are some people, believe it or not, that think money is the only one most important thing in the whole world and they would do anything for it. Owing to these "human beings" such as murderers, smugglers, drug dealers, gunmen, etc. is why money is similar to devil. Nevertheless, let's think about this : When there is a murder, who is wanted? Money or a person/group of people?. We all know what the answer is, a specific person is the only one wanted for any crime, no money.

You do great idea again in this paragraph. This can be enriched, probably you can use what if question such as what if the human basic can be fulfilled without money. Then, you can connect the importance of money with the criminalization.

Hopefully helpful :D
SHanafi   
Sep 12, 2014
Undergraduate / "Do what makes you happy" - this is best piece of advice I have ever received [5]

Hi...
I saw that you attempted to write well. However, I think nobody success to write a good writing in his/her first trying. So, do not worry.

Here I do write some minor suggestion related to your writing.

Every person is asked the same question at one point or another. Sometimes the question is asked to a childabout having children , or sometimes a high schoolerabout getting higher education . But, for most people, it is something they are asked multiple times , more times than one would care to be asked. The question is inevitable. You can not run from it or avoid it because everybody has been asked the same thing . What do you want to do with your life, they say. Where do you see yourself ten years from now? What do you want to be when you grow up?

I suggest you to rid the green because it contains a similar idea.

I have been asked that question more times than I can count. By teachers, relatives, my parents, my friends' parents, the list goes on and on. My mom constantly asks me that same question . But, after I answer her, she once told me something that I am sure everybody has been told. Do what makes you happy. It may sound cliche, but that is best piece of advice I have ever received. I'm sure everybody has heard that from somewhere, sometime in their life. However, it is something that has always stuck with me. My parents would say that if you do what makes you happy everyday, then you will never work a day in your life.

SHanafi   
Sep 11, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl - Replacing old buildings is important for any city but it should not affect historic houses [9]

In the other hand,

on the other hand

In addition, they can develop tourism industries by attracting tourists.
Historic buildings answer many questions, which are mysterious about our previous ancestors; thereby no one can determine the price of the historic buildings. They show the history of nations and previous generations who lived in the city. They show the lifestyle of people who lived in thousands of years ago. They show us how they survive, or how they defend themselves etc.

it repeated for times. If you could, make them more variative.

An essay consists of introduction, body(ies) and conclusion. I saw you do write an intro and bodies but have not seen a conclusion.
Please make it to conclude all of your essay's expalanation.
Perhaps you can start with conclusion signals such as
In summary,...
To conclude, ...
In a nutshell, ...
In conclusion, ...
SHanafi   
Sep 9, 2014
Writing Feedback / A lot of students from rural areas and poor families cannot go to school due to lack of money [3]

Firstly,

to state your agreement with several reasons, go forward with secondly, etc.

in Vietnam, the candidates who get the highest score in the entrance examination to universities are majorly poor.

this looks like a judgement, a writer needs a refference to jugde something probably coming from empirical data in a research. Using "majority" is one solluted suggestion.

I am from a rich family, and my parents choose the most expensive school for me to study.

Taking an example from my experiece in choosing school, my family enrolled me to the best school in xx city due to purpose of advance education..
SHanafi   
Sep 2, 2014
Undergraduate / "The city that makes me a human" - Common App Essay 2015 [4]

For me, the single most outstanding thing about Dubai is not its over-invested buildings and man-made island, but is instead the rain. The rain is a rare and peculiar visitor to this city. When it rolls in town, it serves as a reminder, or a wake-up call, to her residents. Not everything in Dubai is always bright and sunny.

The prompt requires you to write a central story related to your identity. I saw you do attempt to answer it, unfortunately it looks Dubai city's story instead of your identity.
SHanafi   
Sep 2, 2014
Writing Feedback / In undermentioned countries foot/drinks/tobacco has recorded the highest percentage of expenditures [4]

If yu said 'first of all' you should say 'secondly is' and finally is ' lastly'. OR if you dont want use first of all, you could say '' Overall' for overview paragraph or ' The most noticable feature''.

I am in line with ngoctrang123

In conclusion, in those five countries, foot/drinks/tobacco has recorded the highest percentage of expenditure, while, leisure/education has recorded the lowest percentage spending.

in IELTS task 1, making overview is more beneficial instead of a conclusion.

Country Food/Drink/Tobacco Clothing/Footwear Leisure/Education
Ireland 28.91% 6.43% 2.21%
Italy 16.36% 9% 3.20%
Spain 18.80% 6.51% 1.98%
Sweden 15.77% 6.51% 3.22%
Turkey 32.14% 6.63% 4.35%

It is easy for you to attach picture prompt given rather than re-type it. Feature box for attaching is provided by EssayForum
SHanafi   
Sep 2, 2014
Undergraduate / "A lost Russian in America, or is it the other way around?"-- UW-Madison Admission Essay [3]

In my curiosity, I found in Google some unfamiliar vocabularies for me.
It would be better if you help global reader to understand the meaning of the native vocabulary given.

malchiki and devochki bunking up with their babooshkas and dedooshkas ,

. My roots tie me to my ancestors, flavor my everyday life, and color the way I view the world in the best way possible while my experiences opened me up to a world where uniqueness is admired and pride of one's culture and its idiosyncrasies is encouraged

I think this is bulky sentence. If you could separate it, the reader is helped to memorize your story.

Overall, this is impressive essay
SHanafi   
Aug 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Self Introduction For UN Young Professional Programme [7]

Dear all of advisers. I try to make a revision. Particularly, the recruiter wants to know the candidate based on experience, qualifications and competencies matching for the applying position.

==============================================================================

"Urip iku Urup" an indigenous Javanese saying is having deep meaning to me. Approximately, it can be translated as Life is enlightening, Life is giving benefit for surrounding. I am always exhilarating when dinner time coming and Bapak, a javanesse greeting for father, started his story about life. Bapak says life is not about connecting, it is more about sharing. If you want to demolish your sadness, the best way is with sharing, similar with the way to increase your happiness.

In my elementary, I remember when Bapak and I were waiting for bus while a gambler pass through to find food in the rubbish bin near the bus stop. At that moment, I have two pieces of donuts and a bottle of mineral water that just we bought. Bapak told me to share my donut to the gambler and say, while you help other, your will get broad mindedness and God will going to help you back in unexpected occasion. As a child, what Bapak says was not make a sense to me, but it is different nowadays. I was helped by a stranger man in the middle of the night when finding Senen Railway station in Jakarta in my first departure. I was afraid that local news informs criminals is increasing at that time, but the man carry me out to the station prior back to his home. This is one of my experiences that encourage me to go through in Bapak said.

In accordance to implement the spirit of the saying, I served as a volunteer for many different places. I had experienced as the volunteer in Grhasia state mental hospital, Yogyakarta. In such volunteering, I experienced how to understand people with mental disabilities and do psychological assessment in their daily activities with observation, interview and projective graphic test method. I improved a lot in the skill of collecting data, and this competency take benefit when I conducting my undergraduate research.

While I did my study, I assisted my lecture in conducting Diponegoro University and ErasmusMC-Medical School join research. The research theme is Disorder of sex development in Indonesia. I was able to assist the researcher with daily activities plan and accommodate the data. Particularly, my responsibility was collecting participants' and parents' primary data from the kindergarten to the university level in Semarang. Besides, I also assisted incoming freshmen in the classes of psychological graphic test. I mentored lower grade students to analyze and make report for Draw a Person test and BAUM test outside the class as lecturer assistant. Meanwhile, I paid for corrector and test administrator in Jasa Psikologi, a psychological service in my campus. The valuable experience that I get is working on time. Once a series of psychological test completed, I should correct and make a report in the next day to the official psychologist. I faced the challenge in amount of the answer sheets with manual correction method. Moreover, it is important for analyzing process to ensure another correctors concluded his or her job under the time constraint.

In the first year, I won the election as the student senate committee as the representative of 2008 classes. I work as the public relation staff who responsible to bridge and announce the reliable information from student to campus administrator and vice versa. Within senate committee I learn a lot how to accommodate many opinions from my peer to campus officers. It continues in my work nowadays, while I under constrict with the government organizational many regulation I faced, I trained how to accommodate the government advisor program to the society. On the other side, I know the field condition where I am on duty. I think I got infrequent opportunity whose raise my way of think in divergent point of views.

I am also a member of Psikologi Hijau, care environmental and social organization. I had been experience volunteering activities in the refugee camp of Merapi eruption in Keji village Muntilan Yogyakarta province in 2010. I run a program to assist children in the trauma healing program. Fortunately, our camp got the aid from UNICEF and Child Fund. My main responsibility was to plan and conduct daily program in purpose of trauma healing. Furthermore, living in the refugee camp with full of eruptions' ash, limited access of water-and-food and the uncertain nature condition realizes me that I love to aid people in emergency. I had trained with natural emergency condition in my volunteering. Hence, I had trained to be braved and tough.

In the same time, I also run and manage and lead the organization as secretary prior elected as the chairman in Psikologi Hijau. From the organizational responsibility, I learn in leadership skill and how to stand in the obstacle that I faced. Therefore, as the main organization activities are held outdoor, such as rafting, mountaineering or high rope outbound training, I am very glad that under my leadership the organizational events record zero accident.

English is my second language, I devote myself to improve my English. I am currently as the contributor in EssayForum.com, an international forum for writing formal essay. Here I am improving my English which become the working language using in United Nation.

However, as the member of human race and I have strong desire of community service, this guide me on helping people in term of social work. Working is not only purpose to get income and actualize myself, but also engaged with self-satisfaction. This is why I convinced my recent work. Currently, I am become a social worker or officially called PSP 3. This working area included empowering local inhabitant and in rural area. After due consideration of self-improvement and my desire to help people, I decided to commence my career to be an international civil servant.

In conclusion, human is developing. I am growing from egg, larva and pupa. I am still complete novice at international career, but I believe within YPP 2014 I am going to a flying butterfly.
SHanafi   
Aug 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / Well-known people who do not go away from the converses of people should be always very affluent [3]

To me, this essay already engaged to the prompt. However, let me give you minor advices.

As well as the doctors, teachers play tremendous roles in the life.

such as hard working(adjective) , teamwork, discipline (noun) and setting goals (do you mean goal setting) .

Try to add just mentioned three equal words
ex: adjective, adjective and adjective.

Is this essay deal with IELTS ?

Overall,

The using of overall is addressed for overview commonly in Task 1. In task 2 you can use In conclusion, To sum up, or In summary.
SHanafi   
Aug 21, 2014
Undergraduate / 'joining the fire department as an emergency medical technician' - meaningful experience [2]

This is nice essay which appropriate to the prompt. I just do minor corrections.

Clearly stated, What kind of your volunteering job you did in Sibley memoriam hospital.
What is E.R in E.R physician ?
It is that regardles is better than it's that regardles.

If there's

If there is

there's a whole

there is

I'm ready

I am ready

and here's my story.

This is not have any value to your essay.

every single one of them

this is not reffered clearly.
SHanafi   
Aug 20, 2014
Graduate / 'I am a skilled computer programmer and a practitioner' - SOP Software engineering [4]

I am confused with many abbreviation given such as

CMMI and P-CMM

JSON, JQuery,

SAP ME, SAP MII and GE

I am a skilled computer programmer

I have a full list of practical experiences

Generally in your last paragraph, it is better to talk about your proofs what experiences that you are contributed to related to your competence. I saw you did a good job when you explain about Dynamic Vessel Monitoring system.
SHanafi   
Aug 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay Task 1: 'popularity peak took place in 1980' - Teenage vegeterians [5]

You follow an appropriate approach

Overall, vegetarianism was more popular in the twentieth century than it is now.

In the overview, you should attach the reader with glance depiction on the trend without giving any specific data.

Let me try
Overall, UK vegetarianism had reached a peak, then will be predicted to stable prior experienced a volatile fluctuation.
SHanafi   
Aug 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / a Table about proportion of female & male genders in sports [5]

Firstly, you should have uploaded the table so it is easier to check.

I agree with both advisors above. Attach file menu is provided above the written box while you start a new treat.

the boys participants in Cue sports were five times higher than the number of girls participants

Moreover, compare with the percentage of females, more than twice as many males participated in cycling

The punctuation using is not appropriate to me. Common pattern is subject,appositive,verb.

I have similar problem with you, as my English is still not fluent and natural. I suggest you to read as many as authentic English writing such as journal, newspaper or magaines. It benefits for us to improve our English.

Good luck and keep writing.
SHanafi   
Aug 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / "Captain America" - What motivates people to change themselves? [2]

its

it's a change.

Avoid contraction in formal writing

Great rafts of people want to be that pebble in the ocean that causes the diverse ripples

This sentence needs subject verb agreement

WW II

This is confusing. You can narrow the information if you already give a description or appositive in the beginning. I guest you would say World War II, Hopefully correct :)

To me, I cannot get the answer from the prompt given

What Motives people to change?

Then, please give a space to separate your paraghraphs. Nice to read your writing

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