Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by SalMon
Name: Salmon
Joined: May 19, 2014
Last Post: Apr 28, 2015
Threads: 27
Posts: 113  
Likes: 10
From: Viet Nam
School: Foreign Language Specialized School

Displayed posts: 140 / page 1 of 4
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
SalMon   
Apr 28, 2015
Writing Feedback / The bar chart shows the yearly visitors of National Gallery, Victoria and Albert Museum [2]

Hi Kikiki! Here are some mistakes that you should take notice of:

This bar chart shows the yearly visitors of National Gallery, Victoria and Albert Museum, British Gallery overfrom 2007 to 2012. Generally speaking( well you should use overall or it can be seen from the graph that...) , the peak of visitor was atin 2012, reaching at(reach + number) 40 million peoplespeople . In contrast, the fewest(please use lowest) number of visitors was atin 2009 and 2010, both of which accounted for around 23 million.

You should remember that when you write a summary in the opening, please don't cite numbers here. Just generalize the overall trend and sometimes subtrend.

It was immediately apparent(how could it be immediate? Apparent just shows it all) that the most popular museum from 2007 until 2009 was Victoria and Albert Museum. However, the visitors were decreaseddecreased significantly from 2008 and reached its lowest point atin 2010. After that, it gradually rose by(just use rise up to ) around 4 million visitors within 2 years. The most notable development of visitor was at National Gallery which had a rise of 10 million visitors forin over 6 years period (if you want to use this, fix to: 6-year period) to 16 million visitors, which had became the most visited museum atin 2012. In stark contrast, British Museum had an upward trend of visitors after 2009, while on 2007 dropped significantly by around 50%, and remained steady on the bottom line for the next 2 years.

In stark contrast, British Museum had an upward trend of visitors after 2009, while on 2007 dropped significantly by around 50%, and remained steady on the bottom line for the next 2 years.

~> please note that this is not in stark contrast. Because you are not speaking of this museum at the same time as National Gallery. and I think you should write it according to the timeline, not backward as you did in your paragraph, which might cause confusion for readers. Be careful with the prepositions too :D

Cheers! :D
SalMon   
Dec 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / [essays] is it appropriate for magazine or newspaper to give private information about people? [2]

Hey guys :D I'm back! Preparing for new tests. This is an IELTS topic, but I'm required to write it at least 300 words, so please don't bother if it's too long! Thanks in advance for your comments :d

Topic: Many newspapers and magazines feature sotries about the private lives of famous people. We know what they eat, where they buy their clothes and who they love. We also often see pictures of them in private situations.

Is this appropriate for a magazine or newspaper to give this kind of private information about people?


In this era of the booming media, many people's lives, especially renowned ones, are increasingly exposed to publicity. In my opinion, even though this trend is of economic values and provides a chance for wishful readers to learn from their models, it is highly inappropriate regarding human's rights violation and a number of negative impacts yielded on many people.

Admittedly, offering private information brings certain merits to the finance and the readers. As for the former, this kind of doing helps make a handsome profit. Mindful of the market-based economy where the demand of customers matters the most, the producers may utilize private information of celebrities to arouse the public interest, hence, dramatically boost the revenue. Also, this practice may give rise to employment as more and more paparazzi need to be hired to risk their neck following celebrities or, sometimes, intruding their privacy to get the best shot. Moreover, with a revelatory window into famous people's world, some readers might stand a chance to emulate in terms of their habits or strategies, in pursuit of a similar success. The more that the public knows about celebrities, the more lessons drawn and the more possible some people could follow suit.

However, obtaining and disseminating personal pictures and stories of the reputable is highly erroneous. First, it is the famous' rights of privacy, proclaimed in the national legislations, as equal as that of any ordinary people, which is violated. Apparently, those who feel that their lives are overly infiltrated are entitled a rightful voice to report to the court and have the newspapers or magazines compensate. More alarmingly is the negative effects that such private leakage has on both the well-known and the public. Indeed, the victims of such relentless surveillance are prone to a sense of insecurity - the culprit of stress and agitation - which can possibly result in a downward spiral in their career performance. Princess Diana is exemplary in this case as she was reported to have died in a car chase in the hope of escaping the annoying photographers in 1997. Meanwhile, not all famous individuals are ideal moral models for people, especially youngsters to replicate. The famous may have leveraged a number of scandals or portray unacceptable behaviors to be known so that any attempt to learn from them culminates in the mind of people spoiled and mislead. That people probably reinvent the wheel and become notorious is an inevitable consequence.

In conclusion, providing private information about celebrities brings about monetary benefits and valuable lessons, nevertheless, it violates the national laws and has adverse influence on many people. To my mind, what benefits only a minority but heavily harms many others like this practice is not an appropriate doing.

(454 words)
SalMon   
Dec 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations? [2]

Hi chomphunut , here are some problems of you:
1. NExt time you should include the type of essay you are writing, say, Ielts, toefl or sat, so it is easier for us to assess :D

2.

Our world has divided countries into two types which are developing and industrialized ones, because of the difference of income and the standard of education, health care and social welfare.(in short it is the living standard) People usually debate whether the wealthy nations should assist poorer countries in term of academics, economics, food and other needs.

The 1st and 2nd sentences does not link together :D

Some people claim it should be the responsibility of government in each country who takes care of its citizen. The reason is if the poor nations depend on the contribution from rich ones only, the difficulty will be better for a short term. However, it would go down once again if the rich stop donating to the poverty. In addition, the corruption of the administrations of poor countries is a crucial factor that the donation cannot reach to the population.(are you sure that governments in such countries are corrupted? this is a fallacy!)

On the other hand, sometimes the issue of one country may also be the trouble for the global humanity(humanity is already global, so you should not use it) . To illustrate, Africans confront with the cruel lack and disease. Especially, the dramatic Ebola epidemic in the area should be controlled and took care immediately from the well financial nations. Educated medical staffs and effective disease controlled drug should be sent to this afflicted area. Otherwise, the break out of Ebola may kill the entire world population.

-> this paragraph solely lists out examples, while the cruciality is that you must provide enough supporting ideas. Afterall, the cases that you mention is just small ones, because there are way more examples all over the world.

In conclusion, I am strongly convinced that people should be give and share towith each other; even we are inhavethe different nationalities. Anyways, the essential thing which the wealthy countries give to the third world may not the financial factor, but the well-education should be provided. Therefore, those emergent nations can develop and eventually become in advanced economicseconomies .

I think you should write much more to improve your skills and language use. You should learn to write more neatly and clearly, and of course, grammatically right (there are still many mistakes in your essay)

And also improve your ideas. NExt time, please give more supporting ideas to the topic so that your essay might sound more professional and convincing. Examples are good, but they are just the minor part afterall.
SalMon   
Dec 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / Fundamental stage for the future - Two main reasons for study in college or university [5]

Hi adad1120, your essay is quite clear, yet it needs proper adjustments:
1. Your sentences are altogether short, linking them will gain you much greater marks and make your essay sounds more professional
2. You tend to use redundant words, which is the common mistakes of new writers. I suggest improve the vocabulary will you?
3. You should improve your examples. DON'T use examples of your relatives like sisters, brothers, uncles,... because it sounds unconvincing and unreal. you should have shiny examples of famous people or well known cases, much better!

3. Here are some minor mistakes:

The number of people who attend college or university has increased dramatically. Some people think that attending college or university wastes great amount of money and time. However, I strongly believe that there are two reasonable reasons why people tend to attend college or university. First, some people want to become the most distinguished scholars in their own field. Second, by preparing career people are able to get a good job in the futureI personally believe that you should combine these sentences into 1, it is necessary .

To begin with, there are the kinds of people who want to be famous and prominent professors or scholars by attending college or university. In general, in order to become a scholar, people have to study with spending huge amount of time and efforts in college. After that, they are able to improve their knowledge and to get profound information involved with their majoradvanced and profound knowledge offered by college, which is largely concerned with their majors . Eventually, they will attend graduate university after the accomplishment of college or university and reach to their dream. Thus, attending college or university is very significant step for those people to achieve their dream.

Secondly, studying in college or university is the best way for people to prepare their career for the future. In other words, many companies in our society do not prefer to employ people who do not graduate from college or university. The reason is that they are not likely to get high education and to have improved qualified knowledge so that they are not suitedsuitable to work the working requirements in the companies. Conversely, people who graduate from university or graduate schools tend to get a high-payinghigh-paid job in the future because they are fine(never use such words as fine, because they seem so general, instead, let's use potential, qualified or able to cooperate with other fellows and fulfill tasks) . For instance, my older sister graduated from a good university, and she got a high-payinghigh-paid job in the society, while my cousin who only finished high school was able to only get a low-paying job such as(why such as? if it is true, then you must pinpoint exactly what he does) washing dishes in restaurant. This difference shows the importance why many people try to attend college or university.

Well do you think that these two paragraphs are a bit overlap? I mean, in the 1st paragraph, you mention the fact that going to university helps people to be a famous an prominent professors which speaks about how to get a proper job, and in the 2nd, you say that university prepares for the future career, which is also about job. Right?

To sum up, many people try to study in college or university for two reasons. First, the institution is fundamental stage for people who want to be professor or scholar. Second, it allows many people to prepare their own career for the future. Thus, in the future, attending college or university will be more competitive.

No no no please don't say first and second, just combine everything into one sentence. And use another sentence to suggest or recommend what you think is suitable.

Cheers!
SalMon   
Aug 3, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Intelligent students should be educated separately. Do the benefits outweigh the problems? [4]

Whether different levels of IQ decide students to have access to different education or not has a matter of debate.We can outlineThis essay will discuss some benefits and drawbacks of this controversy.

Well you should provide a better hook for your intro, rather than just a general statement (according to Dumi the moderator here), therefore your readers might feel more attracted.

It is important to realize that those who are of high intelligence and gifted in studying require more challenging curriculum,because they have better comprehension ,learning and adaptive ability. (you should write a topic sentence rather than go directly into your idea. It is strictly required in IELTS writing) This allows students to study at a pace that matches their own ability,regardless of the negative peer pressure. Meanwhile,despite of separating students by ability,intelligent students are more likely to communicate and interact with their peers,and establish common goals.

On the other hand,some people argue that the downsides of placing intelligent students in separate classes are obvious.Selecting students according to their IQ levels are not equal to these students in low-level classes,whichwho may lack confidence or loseand interests in their study.In addition,more experienced and qualified teachers are assigned to high-level classes,embodying the inequalities in learning opportunities.

Considering these factors,the good way to solve this dilemma is that placing intelligent students in regular classes,whileprovided that they are providedsupplied with more advanced s elective courses.It is possible that different IQ levels students will achieve their potential(why? You should not state anything that you haven't mentioned in your body paragraph) .

Well, your essay is not yet specific because you haven't provided many examples or evidence, which should be improved :D
By the way, your vocabulary should also be improved. And remember to state your opinion clearly in the intro, and then in the end because, with this essay, you haven't stated your opinion yet. You stated a solution, but the prompt didn't ask you to, instead, it asks you YOUR OPINION ON WHETHER YOU SHOULD PUT THEM IN DIFFERENT CLASSES OR SAME ONES! Stay alert or you will lose marks in the section: Task response in IELTS :)
SalMon   
Jul 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] 'Long-term positive effects of culture' - should tourist obey local customs and behaviors? [6]

Experts :)
This is my new essay :) Would you mind rating and reviewing it for me? It's really helpful because i'm near the test :) Thanks in advance.

Topic: Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Other disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

===============================================


The matter of culture has always stirred up burning controversies in any country because culture is often regarded the "national spirit". Many people hold firmly the belief that countries that open the door to the influx of foreign visitors should welcome the diversity of cultures coming alongside. My sentiments, nevertheless, are at par with the notion that people from another countries should adhere to the local traditions and behavioral patterns for the following reasons.

To begin with, one of the main benefits gained from the gratitude towards local rules is that it shows the guests' respect and hospitality with which they can integrate into the society effortlessly. In addition to this, that foreign passengers follow only one ěifestyle will prevent any socially chaotic states caused by misunderstanding or divergence between diversed customs or between the foreign and local ones. To offer an instance, the America sets no rules or specifically unique customs for outer-country people to obey, leading to the consequence in which there are several religious conflicts between the Christian, the Hindu and the Islam each year.

However, we should not turn a blind eye to certain advantages when the host country willingly welcomes cultural differences, the most remarkable of which is the fact that the cosmopolitan atmosphere helps raise the national residents' cross-cultural awareness. Also, a country with a cadre of global traditions is most likely to appeal to a large number of tourists who are indiosyncrasy-oriented, boosting not only tourism but the domestic finance as a whole. England is examplary in this case on the ground that, according to a survey carried out by the University of Economics in Wales, most of the governmental budget derives from multi-cultural tourism.

Granted, it is true that creating a mixture of customs, behaviors or habits is conducive to the widened horizon and economic growth, we should not forget that remaining a harmonious community with no wars, strikes or social unrests is the most acute. Therefore, refining the heteogeneous income to the traditional patterns of the locality may prove to be more expedient and peaceful.

All in all, even though letting foreign strangers do whatever they want has conspicuous merits, my deep conviction still falls for the one-way culture due to its long-term positive effects.
SalMon   
Jul 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: extraordinarily cautious is important since rough work is intolerable [3]

Dear Andreawqh :)

I understand why your teacher only rated you FAIR :) Just take a look at some points here:

This current world we situate ourselves in is rather unpredictable, even one sudden invention could bring down all the notions we used to bear in mind. Most of us hashave endeavored to keep up with the fast pace of the development ofin today's world in fast pace. I personally believe that even when fast pace may be the wise move to correspond with today's world.rapid changesHowever, it might not be the most beneficial move to our society.

Primarily, even when the world operates in fast pace, it still requires accuracy. Even simple issues in our daily life like homework require accuracy. If we rush through the work by taking risk of making mistakes, we are actually making zero effort going through our study roughly only for the purpose of fill in before thefighting deadline. In short, it only fulfills the work itself which is rather worthless. It is our capability of work that we should improve rather than holding the belief in completing it. Certainly it may take time to keep up with the others if we need to review our work multiple times, but with consistent work soon enough we'll be able to bring up our speed in completion of workwork completion .

Secondly, other than the importance of accuracy, the world also seeks efficiency, which concludes both minimum time completion and also criterion of quality. Even when we have managed to keep up with the pace by neglecting the details of a project and only aim for a general frame of the project , this will not be something satisfysatisfactory for the company and clients. We soon will be out of the picture even when we keep up with the pace since when the problem reveals itself we'll have to go back and fix the mistakes we have made . This might be even more costly and time consuming than a neat completion of work at the start.

Besides, when looking at this problem within a broader image, s ome work cannot tolerate any mistakes at all, for instance, in official missions like the work done by NASA, a tiny mistake can be catastrophic. A miscalculation of the orbit in launching rocket may lead to a failure of the whole project which might worth trillions of dollars. In such circumstances, even when the scientists want to finish off quickly, but they couldn't miss even a single part of the mission since it may trigger loads of problems.

1. Your vocabulary is a bit week :) You repeated too much: "accuracy, pace, world, completion, mistakes" which bores any audiences. You should replace them with more academic words to impress your teacher :)

2. You tend to explain and list out reasons rather than proving yourself ( note the 1st body paragraph). Therefore your essay is not convincing and coherent enough.

3. You tend to use too simple sentences. Linking them to make them more complex is the better way to gain some marks :D

Hope I can help :)
SalMon   
Jul 10, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Competition or co-operation? - 'shaking hands or being up in arms' [3]

Experts :) can you help me review and rate this essay? I would be so grateful :) Thanks in advance :D

Topic: Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

============================================


In our life, there are two main ways to acquire greater achievements: shaking hands or being up in arms with each others. This has always been a hotly debated issue, especially when it comes to educating children. Having certain merits and limitations, both sense of competition and co-operation requires deliberation before it is known which will help children become a more useful person in the future.

To begin with, it is believed that teaching and exhorting a person how to compete with others in his early years may prove expedient in the future as it motivates our independence and self-sustenance which are the hallmarks of a good worker. The aspiration to gain higher scores or prizes than the peers when we were young will gradually grow into the incentive to escalate our working efficiencies which consent to promotion or better income. Yet in this case, there is a win-lose situation when only one benefits while the whole community is rewarded nothing.

Similar to sense of competition, such of co-operation helps children grow individually by developing their interpersonal skills. It is true that none of us will live alone in our entire life, which means we need an array of skills on how to understand, to share and to work together with our partners. Therefore, our life may become much convenient and relaxing since obstacles have been tackled by enormously joint effort.

In addition, coordination brings about communal advantages, unlike competitiveness. It is a rule of thumb that one plus is sometimes three, four or even higher. In the field of business, to offer an instance, two companies that combine into one conglomerate are much stronger and have more resources, hence potentials to burgeon, than two separately working ones. Not until people learn to concess and intergrate for the sake of better profits does the country itself benefit economically and politically.

All in all, I concur that teaming up far outweighs working personally on the ground that it has both small and large-scale positivities. Nevertheless, it is still of great importance to instill both senses on children for a comprehensive development.
SalMon   
Jun 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Some sectors request many well-qualified people - career choices for young generation [8]

Some people expect to be an expert. In my country, several sectors are predicted to the most popular career preferences for young people in the next five years ago. In my opinion, I believe that economic and technological sectors will be delighted in.

Well you must provide a more attractive intro if you want your essay to be appealing from the start. And.

Some people expect to be an expert

I know that you are trying to "hook" people, yet this statement does not relate so much to the prompt or even your idea. Maybe: The world keeps changing everyday, so are careers. Or The world nowadays is changing at an incredible pace. In keeping with that innovation, careers are also converting into different forms in many countries.

First of all, the economic growth arouses people's interest to involve in.take part in . My country, Indonesia, is a developing country whichwhosethe average of economic growth has increased to around 5% a year. This fact creates a positive effect foron young people to learn about trade and play the stock market which provides many vocations. For example, in 2015, Asian trade market will be begun and there is no restrictedrestriction to take a job across Asian countries. This policy arises an opportunity for young people to go on an economy drive in the internal and external country. As a result, economics will be chosen by young people as a strategic working sector.

Well I have to say your essay is well supported :) It is very specific and clear despite some minor mistakes I have pointed out :) Keep up good job :)
SalMon   
Jun 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / Photo exhibition invitation - ielts letter [2]

Therefore, I heard that you have plan to continue your further study in our school and I hope you can come to this great exhibition to utilize this great opportunity to know more about our school.

You should put therefore in the middle: I heard that you have plan to continue your further study in our school, therefore, I hope you can come to this great exhibition to utilize this great opportunity to know more about the campus as well as the school's features

Does that sound better?

I think in the body, you should include more details of your photos so that it may attract the receiver, for instance how unique it is compared with the other photos or sth like that :) Hope this can help :D
SalMon   
Jun 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Talent is one of the awesome things in the world [6]

Talent is one of the awesome things in the world and no doubtundoubtedly people who have talents are more better than the others. Some people suggest that talents is a gift from god( well I think you should not use this because it is too... religious? Maybe just say "Nature" is fine) . while others disagree and believe that looking deeply into each others and you can find different giftspotentialswhichit need only developmentin order to flourish .

well here your prompt asks:

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance sport or music, and others are not. However, it sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.

but your intro did not quite relate to it. You did say

Some people suggest that talents is a gift from god

but you didn't mention the other side which is:

it sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.

, instead you said:

looking deeply into each others and you can find different gifts, it need only develops.

Can you see the irrelevance?

Every person is born with definitely gifts such as music or ball control or dance or others . Some peopleof these talents have strongly marked since bornbirth , while in the others it appears during their life. Moreover, some people who have have been developing it since childhood and in adult life they become a famous stars in the world and sometime their gifts are make them rich people . The famous pop stars and football stars who we can see via TV every day are an excellent example of it .

Well generally speaking, you need to practice writing your topic sentence. You can not just go straight to the point without saying what you are gonna say right?

On the other hand some people strongly believe that nothing happens without trying, being taught and hard works . Every person can reach all goals of developing any talents and become who he or she wants. Many people in the world become good dancer or businessman or scientist and others everyday. Furthermore, many special schools are created nowadays, for children with high intellectual ability where the teachers help them to find tier gifts and to develop them.

Well I understand most of your ideas. However, you should use clear and more persuasive evidences to prove your point. Here you just list out the facts which is not plausible at all.

In my opinion, I believe that, every person has a huge amount of capacities, however a lot of people kill them inside, don not go to dilated(what do you mean by this?) their reputation and success. Government should spend more money on training and developing organization which taught children. So it very amazing investment for future of country(you should not mention something which does not appear in your paragraphs. Here you should only summarize main ideas rather than stating new notions) .

Take care of your grammar, vocab and organization :)
SalMon   
Jun 30, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Equivalent number of two genders in terms of university's learning [2]

Experts :) Would you mind correcting and rating my essay? Thanks a lot in advance!

Topic: Universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


===========================================

In today's world, there has been a growing trend towards the equality between men and women, especially in the field of education. While many people strongly believe that some specific subjects are designated only for one gender therefore universities should provide priority for that gender as regard to the number of students, I profoundly oppose to this notion because it goes against the delineation of "liberty" and may yield negative results on the society as a whole.

The most important reason why universities should allow equal number of male and female in every subject is that, living in the world of freedom, students deserve the rights to choose their wishful majors so as to pursue their dreams, beautify their communities or simply exploit the best of their potentials. In the past, for instance, Vietnamese government only accepted men to go to school that taught politics, foreign languages and cultures, which was morally wrong and resulted in a shortage of female commanders of the uprisings. Feeling confined, or worst, discriminated, people may not be able to discover their true abilities hence be incapacitated to contribute to the society.

Another justification that advocates the balance between men and women when it comes to academic studies is that it secures a healthy nation by sustaining the stability of jobs. On the professional level, to be precise, unless women are provided an equal opportunity to study certain spheres such as technology, politics or economics, when there are vacancies in such vocations that relate to these knowledge, such gaps need to wait to be filled by no one but men which denounces the companies' effiency. Once the chains of productions are postponed, the country itself may suffer from economic crises. Therefore, both genders should be granted the same privillege to study equally to support each other, and also the nation, when neccessary.

In conclusion, it is the right to choose subjects at their own disposal and the social security that calls for an equivalent number of two genders in terms of university's learning. In my opinion, the sooner this practice is put into reality, the better our life will be.
SalMon   
Jun 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Why is happiness difficult to define? Important factors to happiness? [6]

Guys :) Can you help me this time :) Please rate and review (if possible) :) Thanks a lot :D

Topic: Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?

humans have always aspired to happiness



Since the dawn of history, humans have aspired to happiness. Despite being regarded as one of the most indispensable parts in our life, happiness poses a challenge for everyone to define it's actual meaning. This essay will discuss the reasons happiness is such an abstract concept as well as make a case for important factors contributed to happiness.

One very good explanation for the fact that it is difficult to analyse 'happiness' is its dependence on several factors that exist both subjectively and objectively. In terms of the external elements, family backgrounds such as social status or financial matters have an enormous impact on our decision. Simultaneously, personal aspiration as well as individual concept based on education or culture, regarded as inner factors, also determine each person's perspective on happiness. For example, a disabled who lost his legs find it delightfull if he is enabled to walk or move around like the ordinary, while a mailman defines happiness as a day off, sinking in his sofa and not having to take a step elsewhere. So long as people have different outlook on life, happiness is yet to be answered.

When talking about happiness, there is an array of deciding factors that create a joyful life, one of which is family. A close-knit family without any sibbling or parent rivalries that offers a safe and comfortable backdrop after our thick and thin is most likely to provide the real sense of well-being, security and relaxation, known as happiness. For instance, a survey conducted two years ago by BBC news demonstrated that the 'happiness rate' in India was the lowest on the ground that most families were not cozy and peaceful; the adults were busily working while youngster were under no supervision which lead to social vices commitment.

Another factor that should be taken into full consideration is careers, since a career decides how useful you are to the society hence how you are perceived by other people, which either brighten your day or not. It is believed that a successful career guarantees high social status, accompanied by public respect, and acceptable earnings. Hardly do people feel mistressed or dissatisfied if they are provided with credibility and a sustainable living standard, all of which brought about by an accomplished vocation.

To summarize, happiness will always remain questionable about its real meaning because the environmental and personal influences are various. Yet, knowing that a congenial family and a thriving profession build up happiness, it will be easier for many people to acquire this important part of their life.

Can you suggest other words for: factors, happiness, define?? I'm a bit stuck here :)
SalMon   
Jun 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] A report about consumption of energy in the USA [6]

It is noticeable that petrol and oil are the popular energies which beat the largest amount of consumption in the whole period, whereas nuclear and solar figures have a similar pattern(what do you mean by this? whereas indicates the contrast, but similar indicates the same? Besides, I see that they don't have similar pattern?) . The following over period four energy resources incline slowly (what are the 4?) , while nature gas and hydropower remain reasonably stable.

(what do you mean by the following period? You have not mentioned any period previously so using following is somehow irrelevant)

Well I can see from your writings that you described the trend in groups of years. That's fine. But why don't you try describing in groups of trend. I mean, you can clearly see that it is divided into 3 different parts in the graph, petrol and oil, natural gas and coal, the 3 others. I think each group has its own trend so that it is easier to describe? What do you think?
SalMon   
Jun 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Person can only be happy if he has got a job which he enjoy [4]

Well for the first part you have repeated your ideas too much.

Try to write brief but informative will you? You only went around the bush on how working in a dislike environment doesn't give you pleasure and how working in a place you enjoy give you pleasure, no explanation or things. So it will make the readers kinda bored :) Hope this will help :)

By the way remember to include the type of task you are doing so that it would be easier for us to assess :)
SalMon   
Jun 23, 2014
Undergraduate / "Do you cut the red wire or the blue?" college admission essay [2]

Well for the 1st para, you have described your background pretty good which is a good base for 2nd para. You can link your background with what your chosen major requires? Then it will be more persuasive and pave the way to 2nd para.

As for the 2nd para, in my opinion, if you can elaborate on why you want to be a software engineer by describing the steps you choose to approach it, or how determined you are by what you have done. By that you have told them your passion as well as your ability. If you can, also state why you want to enter this A&M or how it can help you with your pursuit, again you will strengthen your determination hence makes your essay more plausible :)

This is just my general ideas. I haven't reached university so my knowledge on this topic is limited. However this is what I have learnt on how to make your essay more persuasive :) Hope this can help :)
SalMon   
Jun 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / Unpaid community service - "great stepping stone for high school institutions" [6]

Your intro is not attractive enough :) You should follow this intro by Dumi :)

Nowadays, most students spent their time in a less productive activities during their spare time.

Hey this one should be put in the intro :) cuz I find the idea is great :)

Through this program, students would nurture not only their skills but also their emotional and social being as well. Furthermore, in some aspect, crime rates would likely be reduced.

Well you should not divide into so small parts like this. You can combine, or else, develop your ideas by giving examples, analytical sentences or something else. The 3rd para

Through this program, students would nurture not only their skills but also their emotional and social being as well. Furthermore, in some aspect, crime rates would likely be reduced.

has two points. Next time I suggest you separate each in a paragraph and develop your ideas more thoroughly :)

By the way remember to include the type of task here so that it would be easier for us to assess your writings :)
SalMon   
Jun 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / What you do and what you do not like about your city? [2]

next time remember to include the type of task you are doing so that it would be easier for us to assess won't you?

You conclusion is... er... it's too short in any kind of test. It makes the reader feel disatisfied because it doesn't end properly.

You need to improve your vocab (don't repeat words), your structure, grammar, preposition, particles and the way to express your idea must be more attractive :) Hope I can help :)
SalMon   
Jun 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] The new fashion in having careers [3]

Hi everyone :) Can you guys help me with this one? It is from my IELTS book and I don't know how to approach this one properly. It only states 2 sentences and nothing more like "agree or disagree" or "discuss both sides", so I find it a bit difficult. Also I find this one quite hard to comprehend, especially the terms: "further education is something that continues throughout life". Hope you guys can help me :) Thanks beforehand :D

Topic: The idea of having a single career is becoming an old fashion one. The new fashion will be to have several careers or ways of earning money and further education will be something that continues throughout life.

===================

Humans are never satisfied with their accomplishments. This is clearly mirrored in a continous trend towards an increase in the income. Since the notion of having only one career soon fell out of fashion, people have been making for multi-vocation life or ways to improve their salaries, which is prior to education.

As the world never stays still, a single job has started to lose its popularity. Bearing in mind that working for one employer is rewarded with considerably small earnings, people turn out to seek more jobs to make ends meet or to soothe their aspiration to higher living standards. Psychologically speaking, people are easily affected by their peers, especially colleages or neighbors, due to envy or the fear of falling behind. That is another reason why this job-hunting trend has drawn humans' attention from a sole profession.

When it comes to the simultaneous commitment in various careers or ways to earn money, people often sacrifice education as a second-ranked neccessity hence it will continue throughout their life. People have to focus on fulfilling an array of tasks in a day so as not to be sacked or penalized, therefore incompulsory studies always receive less time and attention. For example, some students want to start up their own businesses at an early age, explaining their choices in part-time studies (especially night courses) rather than full-time ones. As for the adults who are engaged in, quite often, both business and sports, they also choose to spend little time everyday to consolidat their spheres of knowledge which are not adequate because of time occupation.

In conclusion, the number of people driven by materialistic value or sense of fulfilment is today on and upward trend. This is the main cause to education delays or a lifelong piecemeal one.
SalMon   
Jun 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / How the Vietnamese invasion of Cambodia affected the United States-feedback [5]

On December 25, 1978: about 150,000 Vietnamese troops invaded Cambodia. This started a war between Cambodia and Vietnam. When citizens of the United States found out about this, many felt very strongly about this.and strongly disagreed about this Even though the United States was not as directly involved in the Cambodian-Vietnamese War as Vietnam and Cambodia , the war still had a big effect on them.

One of the people whomwho as affected the most by the Cambodian-Vietnamese War affected the most was Richard Nixon. On April 30th, 1970, Nixon announced on live television that American military troops and the South Vietnamese People's Army were going to invade Cambodia. The controversy about Richard Nixon started when Americans found out that Nixon had known about the bombingsbombardments for months.

Well, your main mistake is that you repaated words so much. You should develop your vocab :)
SalMon   
Jun 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The private motor vehicle improved individual freedom; but it's expensive [6]

In the today's modern era private motor vehicle has greatly improved individuals freedom by advancement in the automobiles. A person doing a reputed job want to use own vehicle for traveling and for their status symbol.

Well your prompt asks:

How can the use of private motor vehicle be reduced?

which means your intro is not responsive enough, if I don't want to say it's going in the wrong direction. Because you misunderstood the prompt, your whole essay doesn't respond adequately to the question. The 3 body paragraphs must be 3 solutions to reduce private motor vehicle, not like what you have done: 1st tells about the advantages of using private transports, 2nd tells about disadvantages, while 3rd only says that the awareness should be raised. You see, none of the para even mentioned about the solutions. You have to take this into thorough consideration :)

Please rewrite this essay will you?
SalMon   
Jun 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Would you choose your own roommate? [2]

To begin with, roommates who have mutual characteristics basically show compatibility in needs, cultures, religious and interests.
Without compatibility in common basic requirements, persons would be uneasy to live together. For example,
one of my friends who has lived with her dissimilar roommate, they often enter into conflict because of a few normal problems.
Especially, feuding with her roommate over different time taken for individual activities like reading books.
While one is reading book, another is watching television.

I think you should rewrite these 2 sentences :) They are simple and not quite clear, and maybe grammatically wrong (is it)?

Not only does choosing own roommate result in compatibility but alsobut it also leads to maintaining long relationships.
Comparatively, life in university takes at least two years so staying with a person feels longer than that.
Staying with roommate is to treat he/she as a member of family because roommate will participates in a person's daily lives
including having meals, playing games, doing housework , or even making crucial decisions in some situations.
As a result, this increases reliability in each other. Friends of mine who have own-chosen roommates are examples.
They continue to stay with their roommates in apartments after graduating from university because positive impression
and used-to-be environment cause them to keep roommate as closely as same asasthe previous moment.

To conclude, I am of opinion that selecting my roommate is what suits me the most because it provides roommate who shares compatibility.
Also, this benefits in long-run keeping companions .

what do you mean by this green sentence??? Next time you should write it more clearly Your common problem is too simple sentences :) Combination will improve your essay significantly :D Good luck~
SalMon   
Jun 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / Does money go along with happiness? [3]

This conclusion is a bit short. You should summarize the points you have mentioned above in order to gain the best score.

Next time, remember to include the type of tasks you are doing, for example: IELTS, TOEFL, SAT... so that it is easier for us to assess your writings.

By the way, I have to say this essay made a pretty impression on me. The structures vary and the ideas are excellent. I have to say rarely do I meet people with strange but very convincing points like you. Keep up your good job :)
SalMon   
Jun 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / Grandparents are significant source of experiences; childrens education big role [2]

Todays , Parents work very hard and sometimes they work two shifts, so they do not have enough time to keep their children. Raising the number of kindergartens can make clear how parents are busy these days. Some parents are satisfied by keeping their children by their grandparents, while other people disagree with that. In my opinion, both aspects of this issue (what do you mean by this issue? you have mentioned two issues: keeping or not keeping? You should clearify here) have advantages and disadvantages which will be discussed in this essay.

Firstly, keeping our childrenchildren being kept by our parents has some benefits. The cost of today's kindergarten is very expensive, so it is reasonable that grandparents take responsibility to keep children. They are free during the days and they can support them. Moreover, we can considering that responsibility asisthea kind of job for them , sotheythe elderly can feel beneficial in society, not useless. In addition, our grandparents who can trust them more than instructors at schools and kindergartens. We cannot criticize our children's teacher easily or make more orders, while we feel more comfortable with our grandparents. Besides, grandparents are patient and they try to teach lots of experiences, which they have to their children. For instance, I learned lots of useful skills from both my grandmother and grandfather when they kept me at holidays and weekends.

Well you should combine sentences two make complicated one. For example, you should combine sentence 2 and 3. And maybe you have presented too many points here. Limit around 3 is perfect :)

On the other hand, there are some disadvantages when grandparents keep our children. They need to rest more than in the past and they are not as patient as needed to deal with children(in the 1st para, you mentioned they are patient, and in this you say they are not, a little contradictory?) , so with this way we make more trouble for them. Also, keeping our children should not be the only things that we must worry about that ; in fact, their education it should be the first priority. Our children need to learn new things which two previous generations did not need to them. Therefore, we must consider gap generation between children and their grandparents.

To sum up, our grandparents are significant source of experiences which can play important roles in children's education. But these children belong to the future, so they need to learn new technology and different skills in some place such as kindergarten.

I have to say, your whole paragraph did not respond very well to the prompt which is:

To what extent do you think it affects the whole family?

you only mentioned the advantages and disadvantages of the old keeping children for parents, NOT mentioning any effects is has on the WHOLE FAMILY. Even if you are writing to respond the task that ask about the pros and cons, your conclusion is not satisfactory because it neither states the pros and cons, nor states the effects. I suggest that you should rewrite this essay according to my correction :)
SalMon   
Jun 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Should parents be obliged to immunize their vulnerable children? [6]

Hello everyone :) Could you please help me review and rate this essay? Thanks a lot :)

Topic: Should parents be obliged to immunize their children against common childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the right to choose not to immunize their children?


===========================

Children are vulnerable. The fact that they are susceptible to serious diseases calls for very meticulous healthcare. While many people believe that it is up to parents to decide whether their children may have access to disease immunization, I strongly believe that the parents are compelled to have their children injected and protected from common illnesses.

It is said that prevention is always better than cure, both economically and biologically. In this case, if the parents immunize their children against popular childhood illnesses, they might save a fortune to fight them off subsequently. In addition, such communicable diseases may take a toll on children whose immune systems are fragile due to necessary vacination shortage. For example, in Vietnam, many adults restrained from bringing their children to clinic for injections which results in almost a hundred deaths caused by Rubella Virus. Thereby, infants must be immunized as soon as possible.

Another reason that the grown-ups are bound to have their children shielded from diseases is merely the fact that children are the national future. From an anthropological point of view, healthy offsprings will lead a strong and sustainable community, lessening the chance of extinction. Furthermore, standing from the view of an economist, well-nourished and energetic generations will assure a constant financial escalation, which is enabled by well-rounded protection since childhood. Africa in the past, for instance, could never thrive to be prosperous despite its enormous resources only on the ground that thousands of children died each year due to a lack of medical treatment.

To conclude, immunizing children against regular illness should be regarded as a mission for adults. By doing so, they can not only benefit themselves but the nation's iminent development is also secured.
SalMon   
Jun 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] We should opt for customary music rather than worldwide one [7]

Experts :) Hope you guys can review my essays and rate (if possible) :D

Topic: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?


=========================

Along with other human's inventions, music was born quite early yet still survives untill this day and age. From simple sounds created by human using daily tools and their voice, music has developed into a myriad of kinds nowadays, which fall for two categories: traditional music and international music. This essay will come clean about the importance of general music, followed by explanations for a greater role of classical music compared to the other one.

To begin, music serves as means of entertainment and education. Apparently, when people confront ups and downs in their life, music is always a loyal companion to soothe our feelings, to share mistress and sorrow or to multiply blissful happiness. In other words, music is unrivalled when it comes to enriching our spiritual life. From the academic perspective, consisted of words and rythme, music helps people learn languages more rapidly with relxation. According to many researchs, if children are exposed to music, especially classical one, their IQ and EQ will increase significantly which mark music as an indirect tool of education.

In terms of music, traditional songs have always been of greater importance than international ones. Most classical composers went to great length to tell the audiences about either our glorious pasts or the national cultures. Meanwhile, sons written to entertain global people are often full of ear-catching but meaningless words. For instance, hardly do any national songs not teach us about altruism, bravery and compatriotism, while most market songs such as K-pop ones, for instance the "Gentle man", only shows how to be a bad man (?!)

To conclude, music plays an indispensable role in our life as an emotional and witty friend from whom we can learn and put ourselves at ease. However, we should opt for customary music rather than worldwide one due to the meaningful lessons it conveys.
SalMon   
Jun 18, 2014
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Classmates' impacts on children's performance at school [11]

Oh no don't say that I welcome all comments :) Thanks for your lovely words :) I will try next time :)

This is just my point of view to breakdown the prompt in the bodies of the essay.As we know there is not strict standard in answering IELTS writing task. So, I cannot say that my comment is the truth one :D

you mean... discuss both sides of the view? But if you say

"Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success in school"

then

parents are more influence than classmate on child success in school

aren't they contrary??? maybe the essay isn't coherent?