Writing Feedback / TASK 1: International Trade of Southland in Three Areas between 2000, 2016, and 2025 as the projecte [3]

... sales of FOR Southland in three different areas ARE measured in THE £ billion UK POUNDS (DO NOT USE MONEY SIGNS, USE THE ACTUAL TERM) between 2000, 2016, and 2025 as THE projected year, ... It is immediately apparent that the trend of three productions is ARE different. ... the greatest sales despite of fluctuation although EVEN THOUGH international tourism is...

... trend can be seen REFLECTED on international tourism and meat... showed A fluctuation IN sales. In 2000, the FARM products of farm stood at just below £7 billion ... sales record in the following OVER A PERIOD OF sixteen yearS. However, the abroad FOREIGN trades of farm products were ARE forecasted to fall slightly in 2025 (USE FUTURE TENSE SINCE THIS IS YET TO HAPPEN) . ... and were ARE projected to reach a high of approximately £10 billion in 2025.

... and these sales ARE EXPECTED TO decreased significantly in 2016 and will hit a low of £5 billion in 2025. A closer look to AT the chart reveals that the selling record was IS EXPECTED TO BE FOUND IN dairy products in 2016 before global tourism WHICH is projected to come to a head of the popular consuming AS A POPULAR CONSUMER PRODUCT in 2025.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: RUNNING OUT NATURAL RESOURCES - we have started to look to space for solutions [2]

Tau, don't focus your essay solely on the renewable energy resource discussion. Speak of the need for space exploration and natural resources in a general manner as the prompt dictates. If you limit your discussion from the very start, you will also limit the method by which you can discuss your reasons. Since the essay prompt does not focus on a single renewable source or mineral, you should do the same in your essay.

Do not make factual claims regarding the existence of more minerals and natural resources outside of the earth. While there is a possibility that these may exist, there is no factual evidence to support such claims. Therefore, your discussion should also err on the side of caution and discuss the interest of space exploration for natural resources in the same manner. Make reference to claims, not facts.

You have covered the best evidence for the discussion in two paragraphs. There is nothing that cannot be considered acceptable in this line of discussion. However, your discussion is still wanting because you are lacking one very important factor that is demanded by the prompt. You did not offer your personal opinion regarding the topic. You stated it in the thesis statement but did not offer a paragraph to explain it in the essay, as expected. Your opinion would have been the layman's opinion, based upon your personal knowledge or understanding of the issue. You should have presented such a paragraph in order to further prove that you have a clear understanding of the prompt and the ability to defend your stand on the matter in proper English.

This is a well developed essay that still has the potential to become better. I hope to see your continued improvement in your upcoming essays.

Writing Feedback / Perceived and actual likelihood of being a victim of crime, indicated in varied-variables [3]

The bar chart gives a set of information about the perceived and actual likelihood of being a victim of crime indicated in varied-variables, quantified in percentages.

- You cannot present a single sentence introduction to the report. I has to contain 3-5 sentence as an overview that states the types of crimes to be discussed, the simple proportions, and the coverage years, at a minimum. Please expand this paragraph.

Overall, the perceived 2009/10 dominated in THE CATEGORY OF car crime. While, three others namely actual 2009/10; perceived 2010/11; and actual 2010/11, are rangked RANKED as the followers of the perceived 2009/10, it was a noticeable account in which the actual 2010/11 was the lowest one in numeral AMONG ALL crimes.

- Again, you need to expand this paragraph by dividing your information into shorter or mid-length sentences. it does not follow the correct format of exam essay paragraph sentences.

... car crime shown SHOWED a dramatic increase in perceived 2009/10 around 6%... information of THAT the issue leveled out at 21% in car crime.... 2010/11 is WAS also relatively high in car crime. Correlated with TO that, ... violent crime tended to exactly be change in which the perceived 2009/2010 continued ... perceived 2010/11 ready WAS positioned as the second HIGHEST level after. ... lowest trend in various crimes such as burglary, car crime, and violent crime.

Please note that all of your writing should be delivered in past tense since these facts have already occurred and been collected previous to your report.

Undergraduate / Descriptive writing : A outdoor festival in winter in a cold climate [7]

Whoah! Is this the same Samuel who wrote the descriptive essay about a marketplace? It doesn't seem so. This is a 100 % improvement over your first written work. Amazing! Congratulations on developing such an involving, imaginative, and practically, interactive depiction of an outdoor winter festival. It is very poetic in approach and relaxing to read. You did excellent work! However, you still have some grammar problems that need to be addressed.

The first grammar problem is that you do not seem to be conscious of the grammar rules that indicate how the words "A" and "An" are to be used in a sentence. When a word starts with a vowel (A,E,I,OU) the word before it should be "An". While the word "A" is used for all the consonant starting words (B,C,D, and all other non vowel listed alphabet letters). To be more specific:

"A before words, abbreviations, acronyms, or letters that begin with a consonant sound, regardless of their spelling."
"An is used before words, abbreviations, acronyms, or letters that begin with a vowel sound, regardless of their spelling."

Please keep the rules in mind because it makes a big difference when one approaches reading your work. Now, for the minor grammar corrections.

... Even the leaf LEAVES (PLURAL FORM) stems lie white and sharp...

... But 9 GRAMMAR RULES INDICATE THAT NO SENTENCE CAN START WITH BUT OR BECAUSE) ...

... fry FRIED meat, caramel desserts wafted WAFT THROUGH the air. The village emitted EMITS (PRESENT TENSE DESCRIPTION.TtHE NARRATOR IS IN THE SCENE AND EXPERIENCING IT) A golden glow. Tonight, FOR a few hours, people can experience the joy that usually exists beyond boundaries of winter. The joy, the warmth, appreciating the warmth of the sun and it's blessing's of fire HEAT (FIRE DESTROYS SO IF THE SUN EMITTED FIRE, THERE WOULD NOT BE A FESTIVAL. HEAT MAKES THE FESTIVAL HAPPEN BECAUSE PEOPLE FEEL WARM EVEN WHEN THE WEATHER IS COLD) ; subsistence in the midst of the icy overcast.

Samuel, please disregard the advice of Sholihin. It does not apply to you because you are not taking the IELTS. You are an ESL learner which is totally different from an IELTS test taker. You did good work on this essay. The format he is advising does not apply as you are not writing an IELTS writing task essay but an ESL descriptive writing essay. You are a student of English while IELTS is an English exam for international students. Don't be confused :-)

Sholihin, Samuel is not writing an IELTS Essay, he is an ESL student learning how to write in English. He is practicing his descriptive writing exercises. Your advice to him is not applicable as he not taking the same test as you are. Please refrain from offering advice if you are not sure or do not understand what the student is trying to do in the exercise. Wrong or misleading advice can confuse the student and make it harder for him to learn the English language. Kindly make sure that you understand the requirements of the student's work before you offer advice.

Writing Feedback / Females status actually transformed in various aspect of human being for 5 past decades. [2]

You are not being asked to discuss the two arguments. You are being asked to take a side and defend it. Either you believe that women's roles have changed over the past 50 years or you don't. that is the only stand you have to present and discuss in the essay. By the way, it is not a school science that is debating the issue but a school of Social Science, which is a total different and unrelated branch of Science as you depict in your essay. Use the correct term which is "Social Sciences". Social Sciences are a branch of science that study the human evolution as a society. That is what this topic falls under. It is not a scientific study of complex scientific fields such as Physics, Biology, and Chemistry.

Your whole discussion of the essay would have been more proper , regardless of the grammar flaws it current contains, if you had properly depicted your opinion in the opening statement. Do you agree or disagree? It seems from the way that you wrote, that you agree with the opinion presented. You should have said so as a part of the thesis statement at the beginning of the essay. The disappearance of your opinion discussion in the essay made this get a failing grade.

The score for the essay is primarily based upon how you understand the prompt and how you represent it in your opening statement. That is the part of the essay that immediately tells the examiner everything he needs to know about your ability to use the English language. Your comprehension skills, ability to create a logical thought process through the prompt restatement, and the formation of your opinion, as well as how you present these in paragraph form, can either have you considered for the highest possible grade, or get you the lowest marks possible.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2 More people suffering health problems are caused by a fast food consumption [2]

Muhammad, you need not have presented a discussion about exercise being necessary in the discussion. It is not being required by the prompt. As you know, you are only supposed to follow the prompt instructions in the essay discussion that you are given. The essay only asked for your agreement or disagreement of the opinion that government should impose higher tax on fast food because it poses a health hazard to the citizens. There was nothing in the discussion asking you to provide an alternate opinion , nor were you being asked for possible solutions to the problem of people eating fast food instead of healthy food.

Since you did not properly develop your essay response, the essay does not qualify as a proper discussion of the topic. Maybe you did not understand the prompt very well, or maybe you forgot to double check the prompt after you completed the essay. One of those two reasons resulted in you submitting the wrong prompt for assessment. I strongly advice that you review the prompt requirements, develop a more prompt adherent opinion, and then present a new essay that better aligns itself with the prompt expectations.

Writing Feedback / Greatest learning outcome and impact of the experience [3]

Dian, you can bring down your word count if you combine the following lines to create a new paragraph:

If you delete the connecting sentences of the second paragraph, you will find that you are better able to represent the impact of the activity and the learning experience on your end. You are able to represent the leadership skills that you developed in a more hands on method as opposed to the theoretical representation you currently have. The combination of the paragraphs will also shorten the essay length which will in turn, lower your word count to at least the minimum requirement.

Writing Feedback / By 2004, People preferred to buy more chicken than other meats. Fish and meat consumed - IELTS [4]

When writing an IELTS introduction, you are expected to provide an overview of the information that will be contained in the report. This is not a simple essay. This is supposed to be an accurate restatement of information provided to you. There is an expectation that the writer will first analyze the data in the illustration prior to presenting it to the reader. That said, the reader has some expectations as well.

Remember how in an ordinary essay you are supposed to restate the prompt, offer an overview of prompt related opinions, and then your point of view? That is known as the flow of discussion. In the IELTS essay, you are expected to deliver something similar to that. In this case, your introduction should include the title of the graph, an overview of the graph information (increase and decrease), and the final outcome of the chart / illustration. Those are the parts that comprise the introduction of an IELTS essay. Writing those bits of information always take at least 3 sentences, with a maximum of 5. Look at the other sample IELTS Writing Tasks in this forum, you will notice that all of them depict the same kind of introduction / summary overview.

Do you understand my explanation? Feel free to ask questions if you still have any.

Undergraduate / To Learn and to Fix. UW-Seattle Transfer Personal Statement [3]

Felix, your essay is hard to review because we cannot refer to the list of prompt requirements as we read your essay. In order to make it easier to review and analyze your work, please revise the form for now. give us your answer per specific prompt. That way we can analyze it for content and prompt responsiveness in an easier manner. Don't worry, the essay will come together fluidly at the end, after we revise it.

So far, the narrative is confusing to read because of the lack of fluidity in writing the topics. The transition sentences are not effective or do not exist in some portions. If you list down the information per prompt, in an outline form if you will, I will be able to better assess which parts can be edited or deleted. I have a feeling that we can still shorten this essay and make it more interesting for the reviewer to read. My main concern is having you use a single type of writing style here. Either you are going to write in a descriptive or narrative manner, you cannot write in both manners in a single essay. Specially in an admissions essay. You should use a narrative form by default because this is supposed to be an academic, not creative paper.

Writing Feedback / Earth-exploration energy is a high acceptable solution. [2]

Ahmad, in your third paragraph, you accidentally combined the discussion of the point of view of Peter Diamandis with your own. It would strengthen your very well discussed and informative essay if you divided the discussion of his point of view from yours. That means, you should develop the point of view of Dimandis in full and then offer a new paragraph where you, in turn, discuss your own point of view.

Remember that your point of view must always be a separate discussion. Properly explain your point of view. You already claimed that the earth has alternative power sources readily available, so the logical discussion for your point of view would be explain why developing alternative sources of power and minerals on earth is the better option to space mining or space exploration. Explain how the economics of earth bound exploration will always be the cheaper alternative to space exploration. The foundation for this sound discussion exists in your essay. You just need to develop it further in order to create a more informative essay.

The score for this essay will definitely be a good one because of the discussion you presented. You clearly understood the prompt, offered valid discussions, and properly conclude the essay. All of which add up to good scoring points for you.

Writing Feedback / The impact of advances in technology on office workers productivity- TOEFL integrated essay [5]

I know that you were supposed to listen to an audio report. The problem with that is, as you said, we cannot access that kind of file in this forum. So it becomes a problem when advising students. The only way I can think of for you to get better feedback is if you can create some sort of list of important information from the audio file that you can also upload to the server. Just include the important points as you hear them. A written transcript of the audio file is the best option in this case.

Don't get me wrong though, the essay is good enough for your intent and purpose. It contains whatever salient information you heard while listening to the audio file. My critique was based on not having heard the audio file. My apologies for that. As you know, we have limited access to the files here. I believe we will eventually find a way to work around it though.

Your reporting was accurate enough and the grammar shows some advanced vocabulary. The sentence devices can use some work but overall, I believe you did a pretty good job on the essay.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2: Starting Own Business, Do The Merits Outweigh The Drawbacks? [2]

Sri, your excellent discussion is only marred by some grammar problems. You have the right idea and you know how to present it to the reader. The only problem, is that you sometimes have a problem choosing which English words to use in reference to what you want to say. Let me show you the correct words to use in the problem areas of the essay below. I will also show you the unnecessary sentences that tended to muddle the message of your written work. One small mistake on your part though, you presented a totally new line of discussion in your conclusion rather than simply using the summary points to close the essay. You have to avoid that in order to prevent points loss during the actual test. Also, take note of the redundant parts of your essay. Stop using 2 words that mean the same thing successively in a sentence. That is also a writing weakness that can affect your final score.

... fulfill their nerds NEEDS and pursuit PURSUE their dream. As per ACCORDING TO some individuals, it is better for humans to build their own company rather than applying WORKING FOR A in particular company. While I believe that this notion BELIEF has merits and drawbacks. I personally argue BELIEVE that this STARTING A COMPANY OR WORKING FOR ONESELF has more positive than negative effects.

... work competition is very tight in the modern BUSINESS ARENA are so that a new company can face bankruptcy if it does not has any innovative idea to IT CANNOT compete with others organizationS. As a result, the employers BUSINESS OWNER can fall into debt. In addition, there is no such guarantee about RELATING TO pensionS cost in such condition. While in some companies offer severance payment, this condition does not apply if people start their company WORK FOR THEMSELVES.

... create QUALITY standards of FOR their employees. Despite the fact that having a high position in a party AN OFFICE WILL ensure well payment A GOOD SALARY, that person IS still an employee who can be issued FIRED any time. ... they tend to have more leisure time as time goes by . Furthermore, they can follow their own passion and creating vocation CREATIVE IDEAS for A wider range of citizens CLIENTS. It is thus clear that laying STARTING a company brings immense benefits ...

... this option OFFERS MANY benefits greatly for many more people. Therefore, I strongly believe that beginning a business is a better choice. Where possible, people should bring more innovative ideas before starting particular party.

Graduate / Application for Master of Design program - Illinois Institute of Technology [3]

Yan, this is an essay that is sure to either wow the reviewer due to your extensive professional experience, or bore him because you have turned this into a professional listing of everything you have done in your academic and professional life. Keep in mind, just because the maximum word count is 2000, that does not mean that you have to deliver that number. What you have to do, is present only your most important achievements both in your professional and academic life. If there is one thing that I did not see in this SOP that should have been here, it was a list of your awards or accolades. Did you not receive any during your academic or early professional career? What would you say sets you apart from the other applicants? I don't really get a sense of what makes you more special than the next applicant in this essay. You should definitely work on presenting that information in the statement.

The essay at this point is overly verbose and can use some paragraph shortening. Once you reduce the paragraphs to only the most important ones or the most important contents, you can present another missing factor in this essay, your career goals. I'll leave the choice of what to edit in the essay up to you. I could do it for you but you may not want me to do so.

The SOP normally requires you to explain what your immediate short term plans are after graduation and then a longer description of the long term goals. It will help if you can reference some possible programs that the university offers which will be able to help you achieve those goals. University reviewers are always looking for students who will be able to help place their university on the map, so if you can show them how you plan to use the university and its connections to network for yourself and the prestige of the university, you will have placed a spotlight on your future relationship with them.

Writing Feedback / Visiting a market - Writing, English learner - B1/B2 level [2]

Ediz, as much as possible, do not use exclamation points when you are writing a descriptive essay. It should flow calmly and be enjoyable to read. Specially when you are describing a Christmas event. Next, always aim to create a tight description of the location. Avoid redundancies at all costs because that shows a lack of writing skill. My correction to the way you indicated the place where the market is will show you an example of how to tighten the sentence and avoid repetitiveness as well.

Your vocabulary is simple and enjoyable at this point. I would not fault you for any errors that you made since you are an English learner after all. As to how you can better improve your vocabulary, try to read more English based comics, books, and news articles. Keep your notepad handy and always list down the words that you are unfamiliar with. Be sure to look it up in the dictionary in reference to the meaning.

Now for the corrections to your essay.

I have been in TO some very ... The best place I have ever been to is Dortmund Christmas Market. It can be found in the heart of the Hansa Square, in Dortmund (Germany) GERMANY. The market is over 100 years old. It AND opens every year ...

... 3,5 million visitors of 300 stalls SITUATED around a gigantic Christmas tree creation that stands 45 metres tall. When I was there, there were a lot of people that were buying a variety of Christmas gifts. ..

... a feast for the senses! . ... delicious regional specialities SPECIALTIES. ..

It was an experience I would WILL never forget. ...

Writing Feedback / Since 20th century, some countries have started exploring the space [2]

Ahmad, your written composition is so confusing in content that it makes my head hurt just reading what you have said because frankly, it doesn't make sense. You are so focused on using emotional and big words without paying attention to the effect it has on your essay. Your flow of thought is hindered by the fact that you are trying to impress the reviewer with your vocabulary and pop culture knowledge instead of making him believe that you understand the prompt and that you will be able to explain yourself clearly in the process.

This is an essay that will definitely garner a 3 or 4 at the most. The terms that you use are wrong. For instance it is "The Soviet Union", not "Uni Soviet". Then there is the instance of you saying that "While it is utterly unacceptable since majority countries carry out this occasion only for their pride" , you never actually explain why you feel so strongly about this in the essay. Also, you do not have to say "utterly unacceptable" , that is an exaggeration. You could simply say "It is unacceptable." Words like "utterly", "strongly", etc. should only be used in extreme situations such as "The comment utterly destroyed his chances" or "He strongly opposed the law because..." The use of the word depends upon the circumstance. It is not necessary to keep using such strong emotional descriptions for simple discussions.

Undergraduate / What you would like to be for one day / Why Franklin & Marshall? F&M Supplements [5]

Calvin, for question number one, you should be thinking out of the box and way beyond a personal motive for the date. Remember Lancaster became a capital of the country for a single day. Important, decisions could have been made for the betterment of the nation from Lancaster on that day. Therefore, the question is important in the sense that this would be your one chance to make your mark on the nation. What would you do to make that mark? So you should be thinking more along the lines of how you can change the politics of the country, improve the lives of people by passing a certain law, or enacting economic actions meant to help the community. Think big, not individual. This is your chance to change the world somehow. Being a travel photographer is something you can be on any old day, try to develop an answer that is unique and will be memorable to the reviewer.

Your answer to the second question is mostly second hand information. The only first hand information was the one about need based aid. My suggestion is, ditch the hearsay information and focus on the need based aid for students. You have the story to make it relevant to your response. So make contact with the reviewer. Discuss the opportunity to attend college when you are financially strapped at L&M. It responds to the question in a more personal manner.

Scholarship / Introducing myself and showing interest for apply. Study Plan for Chinese Government Scholarship [4]

Noman, the information in your study plan is not as accurate as it should be. In fact, it reads more like an expanded statement of purpose rather than a Study Plan. You should think about creating a new draft that better addresses the outline of expected answers in this type of essay. There should be more clarity when it comes to depicting your reasons for studying your chosen major and why you feel that you would benefit from advanced studies outside of your home country.

Consider some deeper reasons for wishing to study in China. Right now, it sounds more like you want to be a tourist in the country instead of a serious student. For example, you can explain how you have some sort of special interest in the country or the culture of the country. One of the highlights of your essay can be information about how you ended up choosing the university that you mention in it. Why did you opt for this university in particular out of all the universities in China?

When you discuss your long term goals, make sure to relate those plans to how studying at the university can help you achieve those goals. It would be in your best interest to inform the reader that you plan to work in China for a few years after graduation. After all, you are going to be studying as a sponsored student of the Chinese government. Working for them after you graduate would be a nice thank you on your part.

Quite frankly though, I do not see any reasons in your essay that would make you a stand out applicant for the scholarship. You need to open up more about yourself. Talk about reasons why your professors or classmates or close friend consider you a unique individual. Maybe these personal qualities can help create a more interesting image of you as a potential student under their program.

Like I said, you have a statement of purpose at the moment and not a study plan. If you follow my instructions, we may just succeed in redirecting your essay towards a proper study plan presentation.

Undergraduate / Describe qualifications / abilities and attributes. Application to the Kelley School of Business [2]

Abrar, you should vary the opening sentences of your paragraphs. You can't always say "I believe" because that causes reading fatigue. Try to mix up your opening a bit, Make it sound more interesting and informative. At this point, your work sounds more like a testimonial than an application essay.

I believe that the multitude of courses that I have taken makes me a significant candidate for the Kelley School of Business at IUPUI.
- Where did you graduate from? How did your study at that university help you better prepare for the rigorous curriculum of the Kelley School of Business? What were your strongest subjects? Your weakest? That is the information that should follow this claim. Right now all you have are generic and misleading statements. Offer verifiable information instead. Change the rest of the paragraph.

I believe that I am a strong candidate [....] optimal direction to engage my majors.
- Go directly to the information about your current internship. That better proves your attributes as a student and potential professional. At this point, you should also mention what your weak points in terms of actual are and how you feel that advanced studies can help you improve those failure points. Don't try to come across as a strong individual, the reviewer will not believe that. Define your weak points clearly and explain how the university can help you develop your skills further.

I believe that the Kelley School of Business will [....] degree from The Kelley School of Business.
- These 2 paragraphs are irrelevant to the prompt, offers repetitive information that the reviewer already knows about his school, makes claims that you may not be able to deliver on, and basically, just don't belong in the essay because it does not deal directly with any of the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / "Renovated Habits". Low-GPA; Essay needed for admission; Need revision [4]

Corey, the essay has way too many redundancies. You keep going around in circles saying the same thing when what you should be doing is assuring these people that your failure as a freshman and sophomore were what dragged down you overall GPA and that you managed to improved as a student during your next few years in high school. I have an approach to this essay that I would like to suggest that you consider.

Since you are being asked to explain why you should be admitted despite your failed GPA, as they will not admit students with a GPA lower than 2.0 It would be best if your focus your essay more on your other accomplishments instead of constantly repeating why you failed to get a good score from the very start. What you need to do is balance the discussion.

For the first 2 paragraphs, explain how your low GPA was not caused by a lack of academic interest but rather, a desire to prove you could be academically capable beyond what the teachers were lecturing you on. Try to develop the following idea from your original essay:

Wanting to be 100% original and independent has caused me to be stubborn and challenge school rules and teachers which ultimately negatively affected my grades.....

After that, you should begin to explain how you matured over time by saying:

I now take responsibility more seriously.I was promoted at my job twice because of it. I obtained a 3.0 GPA for the first time since elementary school my junior year. I won a D.A.R.E essay competition and I also placed 3rd in a DECA conference..

Take the focus off your failure and draw the reviewer's attention to your current strengths that will more than make up for the low GPA. That is what the aforementioned paragraph should aim to deliver. Then close the essay by saying :

I am able to do so much more and all of this is due to an awakened passion of education and stronger focus...

That is all the information that you have to present. Always go for a thorough, but short essay. Your current version does get around to saying these things but in the longest way possible. What you need is to deliver the information before the reviewer loses interest in what you are trying to explain.

Writing Feedback / Internet: repetitive, violent and fraudulent information - it is uncomfortable for us to use it now [4]

Menglu, you have a slight misunderstanding of the prompt. The prompt indicates; "Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with?". The proper approach to the opening statement, which would fix the flow of discussion would have been as follows:

The internet is an unlimited source of information. People can easily access any and all information that they wish to have. That is why people believe that the internet provides easy access to information to everyone. However, there are other people who believe that the fact that the internet provides too much access to information causes problems. I tend to agree with the point of view that the unlimited access to information on the internet can create problems.

From that point my discussion would have covered the following points:

1. Wikipedia is an open source of information that allows anybody to edit the information. Therefore the information is not credible when taken from that source. Since most students read Wikipedia for their studies, they are not sure if their information is right or wrong.

2. There are too many advertising websites masquerading as informative and official websites, because of this, people cannot accurately assess the information they read.

3. The advent of social media has turned everyone into a citizen journalist. Hence, all opinions have become valid although questionable.

After relating those points, I would then conclude the essay by saying that the aforementioned reasons as the primary reasons as to why the internet, although it offers access to enormous amounts of information, causes problems for those who use it.

Do you see how the discuss becomes more prompt responsive in the outline and thesis statement that I created? You should have developed the essay in a similar pattern.

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [18]

AD, you were right to remove the paragraph about the civil war. That is exactly what I wanted you to do and you completely understood my instruction :-) The statement of interest is currently in its proper form and you do not have anything to worry about. All of the required parameters are represented and you even have two proofs of your interest for higher studies represented.

The first interest represented is your desire to pursue accurate and usable research in the field of Dementia. This is proven by your research and subsequent publication. Your desire to be one of the cornerstone founders of the field in your country is the other important aspect of your interest. Both reasons tie in with the necessity of your acquiring more advanced theoretical and technical interests in the field.

You can already submit this essay for consideration at this point. You have not missed anything in terms of information in the essay and I do not believe that you can still add more information to this. From what I can tell, the essay already suits the purpose that it was developed for :-) Good luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: Fish and meat consumption in European country. [2]

Ahmad, pay attention to the way that you develop your paragraph. this format that you have right now is definitely too tightly packed onto the page making it hard to read. It is also hard to separate the paragraphs as you have these written now. If you are trying to play a trick on the examiner as most of your paragraphs fall short of the sentence requirement, let me tell you right now that your plan will not work. The examiner will expect to see a properly formatted essay, with relevant content. Failure to do so will result in a low score due to a number of compliance factors.

Please note the formatting and other corrections that I will be applying to your paper. These are all self-explanatory. \

Please note your tense usage. You are speaking of events in the past using present tense terms. Since these events already took place, these should be discussed in previous or past tense format. Make sure to familiarize yourself with the common word tenses as much as possible.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : SPACE EXPLORATION FOR A SOLUTION OF NATURAL RESOURCES DEPLETION [2]

Dynar, you managed to explain your point of view and even threw in some very important names and accomplishments in your defense. However, I know that by including that information in the essay, you actually took the time to do research on the internet and chose which information would garner you the best score, which is what you then presented in the essay. You do not have the luxury of doing research during the actual test. You will not have internet access during that period of time as the system will be locked to only the test website. This early, I would like to caution you against doing research when you do your practice tests. Instead, work on building up your common knowledge regarding popular culture and current event topics. Familiarize yourself with as many as possible and use the commonly known facts in writing your essay.

Keep in mind that this test is not about showing off your intellectual ability. Rather, it is all about proving that you can express yourself in English. While it will help if you personally know of information that can impress the reviewer, it is not a requirement. What is required, is that you present a clear understanding of the prompt and an understandable response to it.

Please take note of the dates that you present in the essay and the tense format you used to develop the paragraph. Always use past tenses when discussing any events or information before 2016. Your grammar will be graded as well. So make sure you don't lose points for using bad sentence devices.

I have also reminded you and the other test takers many times about introducing new ideas at the end of the essay. That is not the place for new information. In fact, the information you presented in the conclusion would have been the more believable and acceptable discussion facts in your essay had you not presented Tesla and other sources as part of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Internet: repetitive, violent and fraudulent information - it is uncomfortable for us to use it now [4]

Menglu, I will not score this essay on a band of 3o. Instead I will use the TOEFL 5/5 test score as that is what I am familiar with using. Overall, my assessment of your essay is that it will not score higher than a 2, which is a failing mark on the test. The reasons for this are obvious to an examiner's eye. Simply put, you did not properly restate the prompt, you did not respond to the prompt, and you discussed a topic totally different from the prompt requirement. Let me explain further below:

The prompt asked you to agree with a particular point of view based on the idea that

" Some people say that the Internet provides people with a lot of valuable information. Others think access to much information creates problems. Which view do you agree with? "

Rather than providing an agreement or disagreement based upon the prompt requirement, in the first paragraph you decided to instead respond to a totally different prompt:

Personally speaking, the Internet provides us an access to redundant, violent and fraudulent information.

Now, I have listed the original prompt for the discussion above. Look at the line of reasoning that you are being asked to deliver a point of view on. Do you see how you failed to deliver the prompt requirement? Your opinion does not agree nor disagree with the given points of view. You chose to discuss a totally irrelevant topic instead.

I believe that you misunderstood the prompt, which caused you to deliver the wrong response. You provided irrelevant specifics and, as you can see from your opening statement and the rest of your discussion,it ran opposite to the prompt you were provided. The problem with your essay is not the grammar. The problem is your inability to properly understand the prompt requirements. That is a serious problem because it prevents you from responding correctly to the given discussion.

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [18]

AD, for the statement of interest. Everything that you discussed in it are relevant to the development of your interest. However, I do not think that you need to mention that your country has been embroiled in at 20 year civil war. I tried reading the paragraph a number of times and during each of those times, I came to the conclusion that it does not related in any way to the development of your interest. Therefore, it would be in the best interest of your essay to simply not include it in the final version.

With regards to your question about your background in Biochemistry, you can use all of the information that you provide except for the part at the beginning about " I come from a small landlocked Himalayan country, Nepal situated in between China and India I have always dreamed of traveling..." All they need to know, and want to know about is in relation to your educational background. You don't need to get descriptive in your response. Just give the required information. That is all the reviewer is interested in anyway.

Writing Feedback / A policy which places the international language in the educational curriculum of elementary schools [2]

Akbar, your line of reasoning for the disadvantage side does not really qualify as a valid reason. You are only concerned about the playtime of the student instead of his intellectual development. That makes your argument weak. A strong argument against the teaching of foreign languages to students in primary school would instead, have contained a thorough explanation of why this would be a drawback owing to the full mandatory curriculum that the schools implement. You discussed that aspect quite well in the essay. so if you had just omitted the reference to the playtime of the children, your disadvantage argument would have more valid and offered a much more informed point of view.

Your next discussion, which reflects your opinion on the matter is acceptable enough because you are basing it on common known information and, I am guessing, your personal experience. You could have strengthened the discussion further if you had explained more of the content of the article that you referred to in defense of the advantage. When you quote a source, use it to the fullest extent by informing the reader about the major points of the article that support your claim.

Now, your conclusion contains a new idea, that of having the parents support the early international language education system. That is a different discussion that you should have developed further in support of your claim. It should not be situated within the conclusion. I am sure that you just forgot that you cannot introduce a new idea for discussion in the conclusion. I will give you a pass for that. I hope that you don't forget it next time though.

Writing Feedback / The impact of advances in technology on office workers productivity- TOEFL integrated essay [5]

Nour, there is only one speaker in this research and that is the writer or author of the paper. He is the one who came up with the thesis statement, discussion, and offered possible solutions to the problem. So it is incorrect for you to imply that there are two points of view or writers in this instance. There is only one and it should be depicted as such in your summary essay.

I am not sure where the example of the photocopy machine came from. I do not see that in this report. Do not offer any information that is not contained in your reference material as your summary will be fact checked against the original work. Aside from that, you seem to have forgotten that essays should contain sentences and be clearly depicted as such. The use of semicolons in this instance made your essays shorter and thus, non compliant with the minimum requirements. Had you opted to use periods instead, the essay would have come across as more professional and informative. At this point, the essay seems rushed and little understood on your end because you are seemingly not stating facts but rather, portions of the essay only.

Writing Feedback / Earth Runs Out of Natural Resources - Space exploring might be a good solution. IELTS 2 [2]

Sharfina, your discussion of the essay topic os good. However, I would have liked to see more ownership in your part within the essay so that I would have always been reminded that you are the speaker in this issue and not just repeating information from other sources. Simple sentence openings such as "My research on this topic lead me to ...." connotes ownership, a belief in your opinion, and a first hand account of information. Such confidence can only lead to a better impression of you as an ESL person.

Now, I noticed that the one problem you have with your essay isn't the wrong grammar usage but rather the confusion you have as to when you should use a capitalized form of a word. Keep in mind the basic rule, all nouns are capitalized and allthe first word in a sentence needs to be capitalized. You have this error in your essay. The word asteroid should not be capitalized as it is located within the sentence already and it is not a proper noun. For the capitalization issue, you can clearly see the error in"such as space. space" That is a period after the word space therefore, the next word should be capitalized as well. These are simple problems that you can easily detect if you bother to review and revise your essay prior to submission. Try to perfect your sentence devices because these account for an important part of your score.

Writing Feedback / Astronauts travelling space will bring proud impression to their countries [2]

Sharfina, pay attention to grammar details. The event that Neil Armstrong participated in happened in the past. Why are you referring to it as if it took place in our current era? Always make sure to double check your dates so that you can use the correct tense description for it.

Good discussions for both sides overall. Just be careful about those tricky tense usage patterns. Grammar improvement all around is noticeable, although there are still some minor errors in your sentence and grammar development. You were able to clearly explain the POV coming from both sides. Train yourself to proof read and edit before submitting your essay. Acquire time management skills if you have to but always do that because little mistakes can deduct major points from your score.

However, I believe that you need to add a paragraph relating to your personal opinion as you closed your opening statement with that information. Your personal view on the matter should be included in a more developed form as well. Don't fall into the trap of using the conclusion to state your personal opinion. That is always counted as a separate paragraph in the essay and accounts for a part of your final score as well.

Undergraduate / Transfer admission essay for Georgia Tech. I need help forming an excellent essay which I lack of. [19]

Juan, this is more impressive than your previous attempts at writing this essay. However, you went over the 2000 character limit. You have 2020 words at the moment and there are also some point that need clarification. We are now definitely in the editing portion of your essay. So you need to go back and consider which words are just filler and remove them in order to bring down the character count. As for the flaws in the writing, I have some suggestions about those as well.

For starters, don't just say that you want to pursue a major along the STEM lines. You need to be specific because of the definite plans that you present in your essay. Mention the major you are opting for at the very start. Insert it into the STEM sentence if you can. That way the reviewer focuses his attention on the discussion you are presenting instead of wondering what field you would want to major in. Don't leave that for the start of the second paragraph.

I would not use the word colonize in the essay. Rather, I would take on a more friendly term in reference to "discovery of other life forms" and "an exchange of intellect on a higher level" just in case these planets already have life forms on them. Trust me, it is better to use a friendly tone than to come across sounding as more militaristic in purpose for your studies. Speaking of which, the term is "life forms" and not "life systems". Please correct that in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive writing : A street market in summer in a hot climate [4]

Samuel, the reason that I said that you cannot write a descriptive essay from a first person point of view is really simple. A descriptive essay asks you to describe a person, as well as the scene that is unfolding. You don't just describe a scene when you write. You have to develop a story that goes with the description. Since you have the story already developed in your essay, you have one of the aspects done for descriptive writing. The problem with FPOV writing, is that you are limited in the way you can describe things because you can only see what is in front of you or immediately happening to you. If you write from the secondary point of view, you are able to better describe the impact of the scene on the person as it occurs. In other words, creating a character to take your place makes the descriptive essay more interesting.

By not involving yourself in the story, you will be able to more accurately portray the sight, sounds, smell, feeling, and taste of what is happening. YWhen you create a character for your story, you have the opportunity to build up the whole descriptive scene. You don't limit yourself to the immediate vicinity, you can describe what goes on in front, behind, and to the sides of the position of the character. Hence creating a better descriptive sense.

The first person point of view is normally limited to narrative writing because the story is often limited to the actions of the person involved. Making the first person "I" more useful in this instance. However, in descriptive writing, a thesis sentence exists at the end of your first paragraph in order to describe the story that is about to unfold. You approached your writing in a narrative, rather than thoroughly descriptive way.

Remember that narration uses a chronological order of presentation while the descriptive essay uses time elements instead. Therefore, using a secondary point of view is more useful in this instance. You can either create a new character (if the instructions permit) or simply state the story from hindsight, as an observer. If you want to use the first person perspective, you should establish that you are an observer rather than a participant in the scene. Check with your instructor though, he may have a different opinion of how to write a descriptive essay.

Graduate / Essay for Kellogg MS in Management Studies Program [3]

Zheng, I am of a different opinion regarding your essay. It may sound perfect at the moment but upon further scrutiny, you will find that there is no clear presentation of your growth over the past four years. You have to represent a number of areas for development in this instance, with the proper year for each activity that you participated in indicated. That will help the reviewer keep track of the 4 years that the prompt indicated. For example, you should say; " In March of 2011, I embarked upon my first year of university. This was a transitory time in my life as I experienced..."

Providing the academic growth you have had should be balanced with your personal growth as well. A professional shows an equal balance of an emotional and intellectual quotient. Therefore, you must present that type of information in this essay as well. In fact, to prove your growth and development as a person over the past 4 years, you should indicate something for each of the following areas:

1. Emotional Growth - Prove that you are able to handle stressful situations as this point
2. Intellectual Grow - showcase a thorough understanding of what you undergraduate studies have taught you with regards to your professional career
3. Social Growth - Portray your ability to properly work with others on a team or as a team leader by relating an obstacle or problem you had to overcome

4. Physical Growth - Prove that you are a healthy person who is able to handle the pure stress and pressure that comes with masters degree studies. Most students fail to complete the course because of health issues, explain why you would be different.

By showcasing these aspects, you will be able to better portray your growth and development over the past 4 years. It will be more informative and provide a thorough insight into your new found abilities. As of now, your essay is solely concentrated on academic and professional growth. It has neglected the other important aspects of your development. Following my outline should fix that. Remember, this paper is not all about success. It is about the balance of success and failure. So don't be afraid to talk about the failures you had and how you overcame them. That will better explain your growth as well.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive writing : A street market in summer in a hot climate [4]

Hey Samuel, I think that you did an acceptable job on this descriptive writing piece. I have some critiques about your work that I think should be addressed in order to help you hone your craft. Let's start with the formatting. The short descriptive essay is all crammed onto the page. Making it difficult to read. Keep in mind that you are writing a description of the place, but you do not have to limit it to one long paragraph. Instead, you should be opting to develop your descriptions as best as possible by using separate paragraphs for each description.

Sometimes, the descriptiveness of the essay comes from the way it is formatted. By offering a paragraph format piece of writing, you will have been able to better develop your descriptions. One more thing, a descriptive essay is not normally written from the first person point of view. Are you sure the instructor will allow you to write this from your active voice in this case? You need to be sure because the descriptions will change depending upon whether you are supposed to be the one experiencing the act, or if you are simply passing on the experience and knowledge to other people who may be reading your story.

Overall though, I like the story that you chose. The descriptions are very vivid and have the ability to transport the reader into the scenario that you developed. Don't forget that a descriptive essay does not limit itself to a description of the place, Some simple dialogue can help you better depict the scene that you were involved in. Remember, develop the background of the scene before you delve deeper into the location description. That way you set up the story properly.

Graduate / "I will embrace today's difficult tasks, take off my coat, and make dust in the world" - improve SOP [18]

Hey AD ! While I normally do not advise my students to constantly submit the same essay to various universities due to the possibility of self- plagiarism, I find that I cannot stop them from doing so. So, as they say, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. That means, that I believe you can reuse the SOP that you wrote for use in an SOI. As you said, you will have to be willing to make some significant changes to the essay, such as the mention of the professors you would like to collaborate with and other important, highlight information.

If you won't mind, I would like you to revise the original essay in the manner that you feel will best suit the requirements of the SOI and then post it here for review. while I do not doubt that you can successfully change up the essay to make it fit the other university application, it won't hurt you to have me double check it. Who knows, after I read the prompt and your revision, maybe, just maybe, we will be able to further improve upon the content :-)

Writing Feedback / There are ten series of action in the process of chocolate production [3]

Linda, you need to do a better job of summarizing the information at the beginning of your essay. A properly developed summary overview ensures that it is, at the most, 5 sentences in length. You are supposed to prove that you have the ability to develop an informative report in English, making it short in order to avoid making mistakes does not count towards a good score in the actual test. For that purpose, the longer your paragraph is, provided it makes sense, the better the grade you will be considered for in the end.

Now, as for the rest of the essay. You did not actually do a good job at all. You are supposed to present a minimum of three paragraphs in this report summary and yet, I see only 2 badly formatted paragraphs. Your second paragraph could have been divided into two paragraphs to better suit this purpose.

At this point, it seems like you are not familiar with the method by which these report essays are to be developed. I strongly suggest that you look at the other examples that can easily be found in this forum and use those as part of your tutorial samples. That way, you will quickly learn how to properly develop and write these essays.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Taks 1 _ Housing designs for cool and for warm climates [2]

... designs that can be applied based on the ARE APPLICABLE TO VARIOUS climate conditionS. ...are related to the DESIGN OF THE roof, insulation and window.

The roof of THE house in A cool climate has a high-angled shaped so as to ease ALLOW the sunlight to get into the house. Meanwhile, the house in THE warm climate ... The tips of this roof are used to hinder LIMIT the entry of sunlight.

In AS PER THE cool-climate design, the insulation covered by COVERING THE thermal building materialS inside is ARE put on all partS of THE walls and under the roof, so it can decrease the heat loss . In the other ...

The window of THE cool-climate house is installed to orient IN ORIENTATION TO the sun,... the sun can be catch CAUGHT.... house in THE warm climate has... can be closed in DURING the day ... In the AT night, the windows can be opened to make a ALLOW n air circulation, so the overheating atmosphere can be removed. EXTREME HEAT INSIDE THE HOUSE CAN BE DISSIPATED.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: how greenhouse gases are able to catch the sun's energy [5]

... it can occur by passing some IT OCCURS THROUGH stages, which need many supporter substances SUPPORTING COMPONENTS.
- Try to increase your sentence count for your overview summaries. The opening and succeeding paragraphs should not be shorter than three sentences each with a maximum of 5. Your summary is therefore, wanting in content and is not compliant with the format requirement.

Firstly, the sunlight comes first to the earth as heat, ... the earth becomes warmer due to obtaining more heat energy BECAUSE IT HOLDS THE HEAT ENERGY OF THE SUN. This phenomenon has gotten worse recently because the amount of carbon dioxide (CO2), which is the main substantial content to THAT create greenhouse GAS, is available ... which make carbon dioxide overflowing CREATE CARBON DIOXIDE, ... transportation uses, like carS and truckS, producing some dangerous gases. andc Cutting down the trees legally in the forest area in the big proportion, which actually have capability to absorb the carbon dioxide emission. AREA ALSO CAUSES GREENHOUSE GASES TO BE ABSORBED BY THE SOIL OF THE EARTH.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TAKS 2 : the best method of learning, through group study or independent study? [3]

Adie, I have edited this essay prompt before and because of that, I feel like your essay is not really prompt responsive. Would you mind providing us with the actual prompt that you were given to discuss so that we can better assess your written work for prompt compliance? It will really be appreciated.

The essay discussion should, as far as I can remember, contain a discussion of the two points of view, as separate paragraphs, and then your own opinion on the matter, based upon personal opinion or experience, in order to create a more solid supporting statement on your end.

You should also take note of the way that you present your sources. For example, when you said "Pennsylvania study", you should have been able to accurately tell the examiner what the source is. Pennsylvania is a town in the U.S. so was it a newspaper, magazine, or something else that emanated from the town? Or perhaps this was the title of a magazine? You should have clarified that source point.

Overall, the essay is acceptable but with some flaws. I don't doubt that once I read the actual prompt, I will be able to better asses your work.

Writing Feedback / What kind of sport should have well deserved place in schools curriculum? [3]

Almost any day of the week you can look at the newspaper read articles discussing the competitive sports, both team and individual have no place in the school curriculum.

- Is this a truth that you can back up with facts or are you just making this up? This is not a logical representation of the thesis prompt in your essay so you should review and revise the statement in order to become more provable and offer a better restated thesis.

Because in schools students study and get knowledges not do the sport. So have not place in the school curriculm.
- So you are saying that the subject known as Physical Education which is when sports are taught in schools should be removed due to its irrelevance? Doesn't the student learn something from PE and the sport that he plays at school? This is a flawed line of reasoning that can easily be faulted by others. Remember, you have to defend the opinions that you present in your essay. Expect the arguments and explain why the other side has the wrong perception of this discussion.

people who suffer from overweight
- How does this argument fit in with the topic of competitive sports being played or not played in school? It does not seem to have any relevance.

The main point that should be discussed in the essay pertains to whether competitive sports should be taught in school or not. The first part of your discussion applies to the prompt but the latter part does not. Therefore, your discussion is only half right and will only get a score equivalent to the correctness of your discussion. It may not be a passing grade.

Writing Feedback / Pie Fish production starts from delivering, clean and manufacturing, and wrapping [2]

The given picture DIAGRAM elucidates the production process of MANUFACTURING pie fish... wrapping. In this following essay all these processes will be described in detail.

-You are to present an overview summary of the report or chart. This is not to be treated like an essay since it offers previously existing information. Do not make any reference to this being a simple essay.

... salmon fish are delivered in to the factory. This delivering DELIVERY process has different length TIME LENGTHS TO in some extent. To keep fish remained fresh, its sending process has to spend BE less than 12 hours, while potatoes can be sent in a month as this round white vegetable ... In DURING this time, disposal DISPOSABLE materials from fish are classified, while potatoes are pealed PEELED then sliced... in the provided SLICING machine. When salmon fish have already been poured with peas and sauce HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE SALMON, potatoes come IN as the last material INGREDIENT. It is thus it can be seen that the compound INGREDIENTS of fish pie is ARE peas, fish, sauce and potatoES.

Turning AS FOR the wrapping process, the pie fish which are derived from THE manufacturing process then are wrapped by using A wrap machine for particular time . Before storing in the box, the wrapped pie fish are frozen to secure the food from existing bacteria and keep them remain FRESH longer.

You need to extend certain paragraphs to have at least 3 sentences as required by the format guidelines. Your use of English words are quite limited and your vocabulary, when you try to use more complicated words, are not exactly the right ones to use so I replaced those with the correct words. Overall, you still have vast room for improvement before taking your test.