Undergraduate / "You are perfect just the way you are" - Villanova lesson i have learned [8]

its an interesting read, and fairly well written.


^i would not suggest starting off with the first sentence, because it gives away what the whole essay is going to be about. You could potentially lose reader interest.

id suggest starting off with


^Remnove the 'insecure' sentence completely and replace it with the Jenn Aniston one. i think, in that way, youve got a more interesting and powerful introductory paragraph.

Your ending is very cliched unfortunately. Also, appreciating buglife and realizing a much needed break does not support the concept of 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.

Graduate / My desire to become an accountant began when I was young! [4]


^This is your opening sentence and your reader is already presented with an unrealistic, boring cliched, statement.
An interest in numbers and math in general, as a youngster, does not necessarily imply or have any relation to being an accountant.


^What are your professional objectives? That is what the essay prompt is asking for.


^You have not stated clearly, what your goals are.


^This is your goal. Why?


^Add some more detail to suggest how the academic program relates to your interests.


^it defintely does read as a rough draft. There does not seem to be any real interest in wanting to attend this University. You do not specifically point out the benefits of the institution and the program, and how they relate to your goals.

You also, do not give sufficient detail as to what your goals are. Perhaps you can even say, why you have such goals?
Research the program and Uni, and relate the unique aspects of it to yourself and your goals.

Undergraduate / Sentence structure help, Does this puncuation make sense/flow? -BU COMMON APP [7]

How about something, short, simple and direct. i think those three when added up can make an interesting start to an essay.
So how about just:

'i have always loved drawing.'

if you dont like that, then how about something to that effect? Something short, that captures your reader's interest, and then allows your reader to read on?

Good luck. im off to bed.

Undergraduate / Sentence structure help, Does this puncuation make sense/flow? -BU COMMON APP [7]


^its a bit cliched and lame. When could you start remembering? Do you even remember that? i understand that you are trying to suggest that you have been drawing for quite some time now, however doing so through the use of a hyperbolic platitude is boring, which would be a shame since i think that the four proceeding lines are quite interestingly written.

Undergraduate / What appeals you to Emory University, aside from the obvious. Emory Supplement [5]


^i am sure there are better and more convincing reasons for you wanting to choose Emory.



^Even though this sentence proceeds your earlier statement, this sentence fails to validate your realization on the subjective claim that Emory is immensely well rounded and presents various opportunities. Perhaps an example how, will prove to Emory that you are interested and you actually did do research on the Uni.


^i think youd find that most colleges in the US do allow students to engage in sports. Whether the students engage in sport, is something else...


^What does this mean to you?


^it sure is generic, and it sure is info that Emory already knows. You need to relate the key points of Emory to your interests and what you are looking for in a college experience.

i also think your first three sentences are useless.

Undergraduate / Sentence structure help, Does this puncuation make sense/flow? -BU COMMON APP [7]


^You can either remove this, or try and come up with a more engaging sentence. The grammatical error proceeding the first word, followed by the cliched expression, should realistically fail to do you any favors.

Keep thinking. Keep trying. And produce.
Writer's block is unfortunate at times, however it is just a challenge, like all others, that just needs to be overcome

Graduate / Goals essay. This is how I envision my career in a ten year horizon [6]

No probs. i can see that i made a number of typo errors, but i blame the keyboard :-)
Try and research the business program, the uniqueness of it at the institute that you are applying to, and try and link this to your academic, personal and professional interests. That should make a remarkable difference.

Good luck

Undergraduate / "a Smart blonde and a UFO" - Intellectual Diversity Essay for UM [3]



^i dont quite understand this. Are you interests different from those of a Physics enthusiast? Or do you not match the stereotype of a Physics interest?


^Just to clarify...did your advisor insist for you to switch majors, or did you insist to him that you wanted to switch?



^Yea, your last sentence is pretty good. The first one can do with some revision though.

i dunno, i liked your essay because of i thought your opening was good, and so was your closing, whilst your essay was brief.
However, what exactly did the essay prompt ask for in terms of intellectual diversity? From there, it would be easier to determine the extent to which you are addressing the promt.

Anyways, best of luck
x

Undergraduate / Tour d'Irene, Common App Essay: Topic of my choice. It's a bit long... [2]

it is very easy for me, as a reader, to lose interest in this essay. The length itself is rather discouraging. if you yourself acknowledge that it is pretty long, then perhaps you could consider removing the redundant, cliched and boring segments of your essay.

You seem to be discussing too many topics as well. There is a discussion on Queens, the Queen's library, and the Tour de Queen.

id assume that the Tour de Queen is the central focus of your essay, which questions why you would even bother discussing the library since it has no relevance to the story.

Your essay needs to be more concise. Omit irrelevant information. if you are trying to make a link, make sure these links are well pointed out.

Undergraduate / USC Transfer Essay - What Matters To Me and Why? Environmental Internship Essay [9]

Judging from the essay prompt, i doubt you have to relate your essay to your academic interest.
Thought id just point that out, in case you may consider revisiting your essay and redoing it.

Undergraduate / gender, children's literature and emergent consciousness ?? [3]

Gender is understood to be a social construct. The ways in which people act supposedly determine gender.
i would not have assumed so, but perhaps literature is influential enough to allow a child to identify with a character, in which case the child may try to act like the character, even though biologically, the character is of the same/different sex but projects itself to be of a different gender. Therefore the child, in attempting to recreate the character by acting it out in real life, may lead to gender confusion?

i really do not know, for i have not done any research on this nor am i qualified to give advice. What i have done is suggested my opinion, which i hope can help you in some way.

This seems like an interesting topic, that does require a fair amount of research (Kimmel does a lot of research on gender identity, so perhaps you can refer to him).

By the way, this thread does not belong in the Undergraduate Admissions Essays section.
Anyways, good luck

Undergraduate / A products design features depend on the user; SOP for masters in industrial design [3]


^You can remove this. This is just factual and boring information, which fails to convey any real information about yourself as a candidate (apart from the fact that you understand the basics. Which naturally, all applicants should)

Graduate / Goals essay. This is how I envision my career in a ten year horizon [6]


^i understand what you are doing here, but i strongly question the effectivness of this narrative. it is rather cliched for my liking, and it is almost as if you prepared this because you are trying to impress your reader, rather than genuinely impress the reader.


^Unless you can prove that this statement, you can afford to remove it because as it stands on it's own, it is redundant.

Your essay is very long and i lost interest in reading it almost half way through. The entire paragraph, on AiESC, needs to be expressed more succintly. Also, i could not quite tell if your experience there was


if it was not, then i could not quite garner any practical use for that paragraph.


^You do not discuss this in any detail that effectively conveys the importance of you studying the MBA, for your unspecified goals.

You can take my advice or ignore it completely. Either way, good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / Common APP Essay- High School Basketball Chronicles [7]


^it does not sound weird.
Read any autobiography. The defining moments of the author's career are described in the past tense.
Your use of the present tense in this essay, starting from the very first line, seems more like a failed attempt to be dramatic for a college admission essay.

Undergraduate / "I'm a GLEEK" (glee show obsessed)- TUFTS self-identity SUPPLEMENT [7]


^i do not understand how rice and Manny Pacqio, barred your limitations.


^Does it no longer provide a push?


^These examples are not broad enough to convey a roller coaster of human emotions, in my opinion.


^How did you discover this, and how did you become a leader?

**For the most part, your essay is unclear. i do not understand the point you are trying to get across, or how these points suggest who you are.

Undergraduate / Alaskan's cornell engineering essay [2]


^Did the passion grow older?




^How is this related to stimulating the visual mind, being engaged in math and contributing to society all at once?

i really liked the piano angle, but i not quite understand it's relevance to the middle, or the overall content, of your essay.
You do not suggest how you shall apply your creativity, or your longing to apply it eigher.
Also, perhaps some more detail on 'Why Cornell' would it clearer that you want to study there.
For the most part, a lot of your essay seems irrelevant. You do not the first sixty percent or so with the type of student you are nor do you link it with your educational aspirations and your desire to study at Cornell.

Btw, hasnt Cornell's deadline passed?

Book Reports / What are some ideas for writing a compare/contrast essay for my novel? [7]


^How do prose and native phrases give the reader a sense of familiarity exactly?
Assuming that the reader is unlikely to be familiar with the native phrases in the book, that is. Also, do all readers identify with prose?


^What raises awareness? The prose and native phrases? The reader's familiarity??

What is your thesis exactly?
Also, this site is very busy and therefore, the probability of someone attending your thread in the space of an hour can be unlikely. Patience is the key :-)

in regards to your introduction, there are many grammatical errors. A copious amount in fact. i also do not know what your thesis is. it appears more as if you are just about to introduce your thesis actually.

Undergraduate / Rice Supp -- How will you contribute to Rice? [4]


^'on' your ear?


^Godlike soccer players? Contrary to the common misconception, not all Brazilian footballers are 'godlike'.
who 'dwelled'? (Use the pronoun 'i' so it is clear)


^Whose beliefs are you referring to in the first sentence? The Canadians? in that case, make it clear instead of grammatically ambivalent.
Also, Canuck is a slang. The term you are looking for is 'Canadian'.
Your secend sentence, the third clause, needs grammar revision.
Also, just teaching your few friends about your culture does not open their minds to the diversity of the human race. The human race is much more diverse than just Brazilian culture, as there are many many many cultures in the world that differ from each other.

*Your essay seems ridiculously long. Are you sure there is no word limit?
i can not muster the strength to read through, and also, other people need some help on this site and i did help you yesterday :)

Good luck

Undergraduate / Cornell U. College of Arts and Sciences suppl. essay. [4]


^i assume its too late?

Undergraduate / Tepper School of Business & International management; Why Carnegie Mellon? [6]

^How did you become interested in international management exactly? if you are trying to relate yourself as a businessman, since you were youg, to international management, then the main question is, did you sell these drawings on an international scale?


^...This line is a bit cliched for my liking. The barter system has existed for over a 1000 years, even before educational institues existed. The principle of supply and demand is arguably the simplest thing in business studies.


^What story? When did you tell your father a story?
i do not think your use of the word 'give' is correct.


^Then? When??


^Them? What does 'them' refer to. Especially since nothing in your sentence is in the plural form.


^You do not say how.


^CMU knows this. What does this mean to you?


^Do you know what 'ubiquitous' means? You have used it incorrectly over here.
blah blah is definitely interesting, but i doubt it will do you many favors with the CMU Admissions Committee.

You do not answer the question in enough detail.

^You do not say why you have chosen CMU. Nor do you say why you have chosen those majors, goals or work plans.
(You do not say why you want to study international management or mech engineering at CMU)

Undergraduate / "all processes of creation" - Rice Supp - Why Engineering? [6]


^Is randomness and unpredictability, actually seductive in your opinion?


^I do not understand how just thinking about science, can make you feel this. Perhaps, 'imagine' would be the more appropriate word in this context?


^Do you feel priceless, or is the Mastercard commerical priceless?


^If you are thirsty, you do not gobble. You drink instead, to quench your thirst.
Do you always listen to your father explain while you read textbooks and websites? Always? Because I would have thought that after a while, it can get a bit distracting.


^What are you talking about?


^If you have a craving for logic...then why did you say that logic reminds you of a bubble gum brand?


^O no. How did a light bulb pop out of his head? Did his head explode or something?

*P.S I do not get the relevance of the mouse story. You also do not give enough detail or reasoning as to why you are


Rather, you give a fairly decent narrative, albeit the errors in grammar and content. However, for the most part, the narrative seems relatively ineffective due to it's irrelevance.

Undergraduate / Eccentricity, Drive and Concentration: BU supplement [5]


^How does having an opinion, or having an unusual sense of experience, or even not having the usual school experience, imply that your passions are understanding the strange world?


^How is your outlook on life unique? Many people are funny. Many people have opinions. Many people do not have the usual school experience. (For example, the class clown is funny, has his own opinions and may not have the usual school experience due to detentions or expulsions, whatever). The class clown can also think want to understand the strange world. No, I think your use of the word 'unique' is way too flattering.


^Absurd humor can also be really inappropriate and really unfunny jokes. Neither of these attribute to creativity. In my opinion at least.


^How can you bring abnormal intensity to reading before bed? I assume, that you are already in bed and reading a book. Does not seem to be too intense.

I can see that from then on, you have decided to ramble. I admit that I have stopped reading the essay, and that perhaps is something that should concern you, because as a reader I have lost interest. You are not getting to the point. How will your three qualities contribute to BU's diversity.

Undergraduate / Rice supplement - short answer. why the Natural Sciences school? [6]


^I personally found all of this boring and irrelevant. It seems more like a desperate attempt to convince your reader that you like knowing how things work. I do not see any harm in removing all of the material that I have just quoted.


^The vast field of explored study is discovered. That is how you know about it. Your choice of words is wrong.


^If it is 'outstanding', would you like to explain how. 'Outstanding' is subjective, therefore I think it is important that you explain what makes it 'outstanding'. Perhaps, some explanation on 'creative' would also help, so that it appears that you actually have an understanding of the program, rather than just using flattering words in hopes of gaining admission.

Graduate / Columbia SIPA International Relations Admissions Essay [2]

Mobile telecommunications appears to ...

In the Philippines, mobile phones connect ...

^These are just facts that you have listed, that are unnecessarily taking up your word count. How do these facts pertain to the essay prompt?

^Therefore, I would suggest removing these facts and perhaps writing directly what are your professional goals and previous employment experience.
In fact, your whole essay needs to be worked on again from scratch because you do not answer the question. You do not give enough detail about your professional goals, or even how Columbia will help you meet them, nor do you link in enough, let alone any, detail as to how your past work experience has helped you shape your professional goals.

Dissertations / Dissertation topics-in built environment subjects [4]


^What do you mean?


^A topic that I may find interesting, does not mean that you would find it equally interesting to actually do a research paper on it.

Undergraduate / I am planning to study development sociology and try also to do apply economics and management [3]

Ahh Cornell! I am applying there :)

Yes, there are a number of grammatical errors in your essay that need to be corrected.
However, I think your content is more of an issue in this case. I understand how you are trying to present yourself as an athlete, however a lot of the background information (such as the introduction) is, in my opinion, quite irrelevant to the essay prompt.


^Just to clarify, does Cornell have a program in which sociology can be linked to sport? If so, then that is fine. If not, then just shows that you have failed to research the program properly.

Also, I may be wrong here, but I thought sociology was to do with how societies are organized and how different idealogies, such as Marxism and Neoliberalism, can affect societies? (I am not entirely sure.)


^I do not know what you mean in this sentence.The second clause is confusing me.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- Own Topic: "Who I Am and What I came from." [2]


^When you first talk about a phenomenon, are you referring to your friends getting a haircut?


^You can not be either white or brown. Your skin color is determined by birth. Your perception of your skin color however, is something else.


^I do not understand this sentence. The '-' and what proceeds it, complicates the meaning in my opinion.


^By having been brought up in America, and then having experienced your own actual culture, you have 'opened your window to the world?'. Perhaps, you are underestimating the size of the world?


^With your use of the pronoun 'you', are you actually referring to me?


^You..did not know why you were Sikh before? How is that possible?


^You do not offer any previous explanation, so I do not see how you can say 'That is why I love to learn'...

I think your essay needs considerable work. The ABCD card is hackneyed and boring. Some of your expressions are not bad, but the majority of your essay features strong cliches and ineffective sentences.

Id just like to reiterate my sentiments to the 'I was lost between two cultures but OMG I discovered who I am through a magical moment'. I think these essays are boring and lame due to the unrealistic way in which they are typically narrated. Unfortunately, your type of essay is a typical narration. There is no description about your supposed moment of truth. There is no life to it. It is just sudden. Also, I fail to see how people, eating Indian food and listening to Indian music, but just adapting to the different cultural environment surrounding them, can confuse them as to what their ethnic identity is.

Undergraduate / Accounting - my reasons of transferring to State University [5]


^Id just like to start that this information over here, can definitely be omitted due to it's lack of effectiveness; it is redundant.


^This needs grammar revision.


^This too.

Alright...


^
The fundamental problem with your essay, is that you do not address the essay prompt. You do not state any reasons as to why you would like to transfer, and what objectives you hope to achieve.

You do provide some background on yourself, but you do not relate these to the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement - Yay Genetics! [3]


^Grammatically, 'them' can refer to disabilities, which I understand is incorrect, given the point you are trying to make.


^How can someone be loquacious, if they have a speech impediment. This is a juxtaposition that just does not work.
I do not understand the weekend point you are making. How do people share weekends, and what is overlooked? Weekends? The conversations about weekends??


^Are you referring to the weekends here? (Obviously not, but grammatically, you are being ambigious) Also, the informal approach here can be considered insensitive.


^You may want to state, why you would like to deepen your understanding?

You do make a number of grammar errors in your essay. These need to be rectified.
In terms of content, your essay seems to be on the right page. However, you do not quite provide a strong enough link with the disabled people in your school, and your interest in genetics. As the link is not strong, it is questionable as to whether the first paragraph is even relevant to the essay prompt or what you are trying to say.

Undergraduate / NYU supplement- In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. [4]

In 2050, you will be less than 60 years of age.
Working at the age of 50 is not uncommon.
Climbing mountains at that age is not uncommon either. I understand that it is the Himalayas, and I have trekked up a mountain before so I am fairly aware of the difficulties that arise during an assent, but I do not quite see the point you are making here.

Undergraduate / Never content with an "easy answer" - CMU commonapp supplement essay [4]


^Id just like to point out, that if this is true, then this is fine. However, if this is your way of being 'unique', the Randy Pausch angle is not unique. Also, from what I remember, Randy Paush's speech does not endorse Carnegie Mellon's educational values or what the college offers. My memory may have failed me, but I remember the speech to be more concerned with a philosophy on life and how it should be lived.


^Well, there are grammar errors here but let me comment on your content. I do not see why you would weep at an optimistic attitude to life. How did you suddenly realize that CMU is your dream? Is it to do with you having reflected on your childhood dreams? You did not know of Carnegie Mellon until you heard this speech, apparently..


^Given your past tense of the verb 'settle', does this mean that this no longer applies?


^What do you mean, by a crazy idea? Especially if you are a day dreamer? I would have thought that a crazy day dream was riding a unicorn and finding a pot of gold. I would not search for a possibility, because such fantasies are generally impossible. (It may be possible. No one has disproved the existence of unicorns to my knowledge)


^Its just an undergraduate degree that you are applying for. Its unlikely that with just an undergrad qualification. There are people with more knowledge and experience who are trying to work on solutions out there...


^I do not see why you would want to make it clear that you were not fascinated by CMU. What makes you so sure that your love is the strongest?

Your essay has a number of evident grammatical errors that need to be corrected.
In terms of content, there can be improvements if you want this essay to be stronger.

Undergraduate / My family and WWW, MIT - Describe the world you come from - does it convey? [4]


^The only thing strange in this sentence is your usage of the word 'their' even though you are referring to your mother.
There is nothing strange about a mother having grown up in a 3rd world country and having then migrated to England. In fact, in England, it was quite common at one time. The results of massive immigration to the UK is very prominent, take Birmingham for example. I doubt that any one really considers this strange.


^What ambitions? What does 'where' refer to; 'where' refers to place, therefore i assume you mean 'in which'. Also, in that case there is no use for a semi-colon.

I do not quite understand the link you are making between your family's supposed hardships (you have not referred to any) and your independent lifestyle.


^Care to exemplify?

Your remaining sentences also lack coherence and contain grammatical errors, as well as undeveloped points.

I do not quite see you as coming off as unique. Neither does this essay.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

Ill just comment on your approach. I personally think it is the incorrect way to approach this essay prompt through your current format, of writing a letter.

You are not writing a letter. You are not asked to. (If you feel that this is however, is your unique way of answering the prompt, then that is fine because that is in accordance with your beliefs)


^The essay prompt is not only addressed to your room mate. It is to be addressed to Stanford's Admissions office. This asks what would you like your room mate to know about you, bearing in mind that Stanford will be reading it. Also, just remember, that your potential room mate will never actually be given this essay answer.

I think the most important part of this essay prompt is 'Tell us something about you'.
Us refers to Stanford's Office of Undergraduate Admissions

Good luck

Undergraduate / "Whistler"- Common app main essay(Topic of your choice) [5]

I really do not know what you are trying to say, or what point you are trying to make, in this essay.
You dedicate an essay to whistling. You then go on to discuss the Chinese business, and then go back to whistling..
I would not quite say that this is a piece of writing that I find very effective. It does not say much about you, nor does it contain vivid imagery or writing flare (the latter being less evident due to a number of grammatical errors, amongst other things)

You talk about whistling, but there is no real interesting discussion on whistling.
Perhaps others may think differently about this essay, however I think that this essay needs some considerable work if you are really insistent on working with this 'whistling' angle.

Undergraduate / My UCAS Statement of Purpose- political science and international relations [3]


^As in, all Indians? Doubt it.


^Kasab, and all his dead comrades, has turned into ashes?


^Lets not get over dramatic here. It will not be tough, unless you make it tough, or others make it tough on you.


^I think you mean, 'from across the globe'. How will you bring diversity to the University's doorstep by the way (Is that the most appropriate place for diversity.) (Yes, that comment is as lame as the cliche you have just used)


^Umm. What will?

*General comments

Your essay has very obvious grammatical errors, that are in dire need of being corrected if you want to strengthen your essay.
You do not, in adequate detail, explain what it is you want to study and why you want to study that subject at University.
You do not show any understanding of what the course is about, and what you expect to learn from it and how you will benefit from the course.

You make certain grand statements, such as 'I love challenging myself', yet you dont provide any information or detail that can be used to prove that you in fact love challenging yourself.

Dissertations / I need help to write a proposal for a dissertation on promotion [5]

Perhaps you could consider, what is it about your topic that interests you and why you would like to pursue that topic further; what does further research on that topic mean to you and how will it help you.

You could also discuss how you plan on doing your research at the University, by discussing the Universities research facilities and how you believe that the Universities resources are ample for you and how you will be able to make full use of them in order to explore your topic of interest.

You could also discuss why else you want to study at that University, e.g social scene, academic interests, proximity etc

Undergraduate / Air Force Academy 500 word essay - ethical dilemma [3]

This is an essay with an interesting and personal concept.
I however, did not quite like your narrative in the opening sentences. Its a bit verbose, and could do with some improvement in terms of writing flare. Your grammar also starts off as quite flaky, and that should be worked on.


^I was thinking that perhaps you could remove all of this, and just write something perhaps more direct and effective.
Something like:
'My close friends and I saw a turn in our friendship during the last few weeks of the summer between sophomore and junior year'
^Not the best example. But something along those lines. Something that gets to the point, something that builds drama, something that builds interest and makes your reader think that its worthwhile to read on.

Overall, there can be some tweaks with your writing expression and grammar so that your essay can come off as stronger.
Also, this just came to me. (You dont have to even consider using it, just something that I thought of)
Perhaps you could link how your restraint from alcohol involves determination, commitment and personal strength and that you also find these qualities in your activity of running?

Best of luck

Undergraduate / "I would like to study in the UK" - UCAS Personal Statement [3]

Your first paragraph is quite irrelevant.
Your personal statement should aim to address what it is you want to study, why you want to study, perhaps, why you feel that you need to continue higher education, and you should focus on your strengths and qualities and how these will help you do what it is you want to study and how these qualities will help you integrate at the University academically, personally and socially.

You fail to address these very important aspects of a personal statement

Undergraduate / That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears [6]

This is a UChicago essay. 1 hour? Lol?

Its time to get serious Edgar.
Why would you post an essay that you did not even put maximum effort into writing?

Undergraduate / learning my ABC's: What you would bring to diversity [4]


^You make it sound as if people of Asian ethnicities typically do not get along with peers, or get respect as human beings just because of their ethnic origin.

I think it is fair to say that such dogmatic statements are as socially incorrect as not accepting people of other origins.


^How is it completely different? You were in that environment before..


^Why are you generalizing all of New York's student population? That is wrong of you to do so
Your second sentence needs to be revised.
What makes you so sure that New Yorkers are not equally devoted to their elders and family members?


^Strange you should say this, seeing as how it seems that you fail to appreciate New York students who supposedly, according to you, do not pay that much attention to their education, are less advanced in Mathematics and fail to respect their elders and family members.

*Your essay is horrible due to your use of unqualified statements. Revise, delete. Whatever, this essay needs to be worked on if you want to stand a chance of admissions. Your condescending tone will fail to do you any favors.