Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Whether women are more good at parenting than men is under hot debate. [2]

I think for this type of essay prompt it is better to have a three part essay, where the two sides are discussed objectively in two body paragraphs, and then your subjective opinion is introduced in a third paragraph, which can be combined with the conclusion. Here are some specific suggestions:

Whether women are [better] at parenting than men

... Opinions [differ] from person to person.

... even though men [and women] have ... disadvantages [concerning] parenting from women, I firmly ... able to [parent as well] as women

... the role of father [is] tantamount to that of [the] mother.

... considerate and can [provide] children, ... differences. {saying "it is undeniable" and then giving no support or data seems unreasonable to me}

... There [exists] a [societal] belief that women have [the] obligation to

.... father's involvement [to be] ? {what "do we expect" or "what should we expect"?} That belief {what belief? You just gave a rhetorical question, not a belief} is unfair

... I suppose [the] father's role ...

...The research [concerning this topic has] {research is singular non-countable} shown [that a] father's involvement [has] fundamental effects

... the influence exerted by [both parents] should not be ignored.

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Merged:

What has happened to Holt?

Hi, can anyone tell me what has happened with Holt? I see she has not responded in many weeks. Is she ok? She was such a helpful member of the forum and I certainly hope she is doing well. Thank you. She's doing well, but she had to take care of her bed-bound mother; maybe she'll be back, who knows.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: more young people in society - evaluation of this trend [4]

Hi, I agree that some graders do not want to see a single sentence paragraph, so I would try to expand your conclusion and at least divide that single sentence. Also, to me it is not clear which side of the argument you favor. The prompt asks whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, so make sure your answer to this question is clear and stated in the thesis as well as throughout the essay. Here are some other suggestions:

... increasing number of [the younger generation] {there is still only one younger generation}

The young tend to move out of their parents' house

In spite of [the] above mentioned

advantages of having [a larger] younger population

In conclusion, although the problems [caused by] a larger ...

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: the necessary of music - traditional music and international music [3]

Hi, I think you have addressed the prompt correctly, but much of your writing sounded somewhat awkward or unnatural. Also, strive for a more academic tone. For instance, avoid the use of the second person "you" in IELTS essays. Here are some other suggestions:

... different types [of] music ... Why [do] we need music? ...

Nowadays,[as] the human world {"human world" sounds very odd - what would be the human world? Are you contrasting this with the natural world?} is developing, the demand [to enjoy] life [has been increasing] significantly. Music [seems] to be a necessary for relaxing {This is a reason. Try not to give reasons in your introduciton, wait until you body paragraphs. In the introduction you should just be restating the prompt and offering general answers to the question the prompt is asking} and [there are] various kinds to choose [from]. Traditional music [and] International music [are] equally important.

At first, {this is not a correct transition here - maybe "To begin, ..." - "at first" means how something began before it changed - "at first, all music was acoustic, but now there are electronic instruments"} music can ... advantages [to a] human's life. {"human" sounds odd unless you are talking about biology or comparing humans to animals. So here it sounds like you are saying "humans love music, but dogs and cats, not so much" :) }

... a sense of freshness, {ESL students often use "fresh" to describe how someone feels, but it is usually odd sounding. Maybe you would feel "fresh" after taking a shower when you had been all sweaty, but that is about the only time it would sound natural} satisfaction or [excitement]. For instance, [sometimes you may feel drowsy] even though ... sleep [the previous] night. In [this] case,

... and feel full of [the] energy [needed] to start a new day. So, let's imagine that how do you feel after a long day [of] work[.] [You] must be tired ... song can help you...{Avoid using ellipses in formal essays. A period would be better here} therefore, music ...

{I think you need a transition to show that you are now addressing the second part of the prompt} In each country, we ... preserved as [part] our own culture but it doesn't {avoid contractions in formal essays} mean that ...

... The first reason is about ... {this sounds vague to me - don't say what the reason "is about", say exactly what the reason is} ... we often listen [to] pop and EDM songs instead of traditional [genres] [like] jazz [or] classical music [as they did in previous times]. ... music is developing variously {"developing variously" sounds odd and unclear - maybe "is always introducing brand new songs"} day by day to meet [the rising demand of music aficionados]. ... have because of [its] old and ...

In conclusion,[it would] be a pity if our life [had] a lack of music. ... important position,[but] so does ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS:In many developing countries, there is a problem with declining quality of air and water... [2]

Hi, I think your skill in English is apparent, but I don't think you focused enough on the prompt in your response. You spent too much time discussing the background of environmental problems and not enough directly answering the prompt by giving measures that could be taken. For this response, I would expect two measures each for air pollution and water pollution, but because you gave so much information on the background of these problems, you were only able to give one measure for each.

Here are some other suggestions:

... by depleting [their] air ... {"depleting" means using up, which is not really correct here - maybe "diminishing"} This essay will point out the problem ... {I think you spent too much time pointing out the areas, which is not part of the prompt, and not enough time giving your solutions, which is what the prompt asks}

... Of course all of them [took place] near ... {these two sentences seem to veer too far off topic - "famous and not so famous"? it seems a little too flippant} ... outlets to dispose [of their] wastes,

...natural water sources, like rivers ... {well, as a point of fact, the industrial revolution started near rivers because water power in the form of water wheels driving mills was the first source of power for industrial revolution era factories. You could always just dump your waste on the ground - a river is not really necessary}

..., [the] least we can do

... before merging [pollutants into] water. {the prompt asks only for "measures that could be taken to prevent air and water quality problems" - only this last phrase of your last sentence directly addresses this}

... needs of [its] power ... to [establishing] a large ... [The] Majority of these plants [use] the technique of

... generate electricity. Alas! {this just does not seem to reflect the scholarly tone this essay should have} ..., like Sulphur and Carbon Monoxide, {do not capitalize these, as they are not proper nouns} as their by-products [resulting in] air pollution.

... One might argue that [these proposed solutions are] easier said than done,

... and [a] gradual shift ...

... for any society to [hand over] a healthy ...

Writing Feedback / Parents, who choose private education for their kids, allowed to not pay state education taxes? [2]

Hi, I was very interested in hearing what you have to say since our three boys go to a private school, yet of course we still (happily) pay property taxes for the local public schools. I thought your writing was very good for the most part. Your quality in terms of grammar seemed to decrease a bit towards the end of your essay, but your vocabulary was strong throughout. I think you addressed the task correctly, but see below that the development of your ideas and support could have been a bit better:

... relieved of their [duty to pay] education-related taxes.

... generation - the majority ... schools - with {I would use commas instead of dashes in a formal essay. Also, I would say "the majority of whom go" ... but that may be because I am more familiar with American English}

... officer, whose [services most people rarely if ever] need, to appear out of nowhere [when the need arises] and [only] then start giving him [a ] salary. {it seems like this is more what you meant} Evading just education taxes ... {maybe "Treating education taxes in a similar "pay as services are needed" way simply does not make sense." } {this last example seemed a little off track. I think it would have been better to stick closer to your main idea of the paragraph that education benefits everyone in society, not just those who are receiving the education, therefore it is reasonable for everyone to pay to support it.}

If the option to also [forgo paying] other kinds of taxes also becomes available [becomes widespread], then the problem will only [become further complicated]. {I think this could have been more clear - your idea is if this concept of paying only for what you use spreads, it could have many negative ramifications in other parts of society} ... private schools [are] allowed {or "get permission"} to skip

... to choose [the] taxes they want to pay.

... tax regulation, more [red tape], {"red tape" is non-countable singular} and social inequality {I don't see the social inequality factor here} in general. The current tax [systems] of many countries

... general expenses ..., should not be skipped. {you say here that a tax is an expense - this is unclear to me - taxes are used to pay for government expenses}

... and also ensuing [create/generate/engender] numerous issues.

Writing Feedback / People living in large cities face many problems in their everytime life. [4]

You are welcome. Please remember that "advice" is non-countable singular, so it should be "Thank you so much for your advice."

Writing Feedback / People living in large cities face many problems in their everytime life. [4]

Hi, I think your introduction could have been more clear. This is a two part prompt, so your thesis statement needs to have two parts - 1. the problems people face in cities 2. your opinion on encouraging people to move to small towns. I think you did address both of these, but it could have been more clear and better organized.

I think your body paragraphs were organized better, with one paragraph giving the problems and the second showing why you support encouraging migration. You did have a lot of small grammar errors. Most importantly, please please put a space after every period - it makes your essay quite hard to read without them and it is such an easy correction to make. Also, always capitalize the word "I". And finally, watch out for your run-on sentences. In several places I have shown you where to begin new sentences. Here are some specific suggestions:

... problems in their [everyday lives]. What are these problems ?Should [governments] encourage people ...regional [towns]?

... leads to many problems[. That is] why[ I] think [governments] should take ... cities be more livable. {The prompt says nothing about making cities more livable. In the intro, only address statements and questions made in the prompt.} Encouraging ... to small regional towns

...As we all know, that cities' citizens

... noise pollution which directly affect directly to their health ... ... caused by traffic jam for getting sleepy {this is confusing - are traffic jams causing drivers to get sleepy? In any case, this seems too specific of a problem}

...People also find [it] hard to get a job in [cities] and as we can ... who are unemployed [engaging] in criminal ... way of making [money. This] poses a threat ...

...Moreover living in urban [areas] is not cheap at [all. It is] difficult for people with low [salaries] or no job ... utility [bills. As] a result, ... and outhouses[, or] even ... People who have jobs are also not ... hard under [constant] pressure due ...

For all[the above reasons I] have just mentioned,

...encouraged to move to rural areas.When people scatter {"scatter" has a negative connotation and so is not suitable in this positive context} to rural area properly, [various problems will] be solved such as traffic [jams,] which ... not having to [crowd] on the ... pollution [that leads] to better citizen's health, {in your sentence it sounds like you are saying traffic jams reduce stress and that pollution leads to better health} [Lacking a job will also be solved] because there [is enough work] for people in certain areas and more ... can be solved.

...They also should use propaganda {"propaganda" has a negative connotation and should not be use in this positive context - maybe "advertising" or "publicity campaigns"} to let people ... such as[its peacefulness and that it ] is good ... {don't use ellipses like this in formal essays} or help [them] understand why these areas are not developed because of [a shortage of skilled labor.] Finally ... will get [benefit]. {this is not a proper conclusion. "Finally" should not be used to introduce a conclusion - it is used for your final reason}

Writing Feedback / IELTS - The controversial law that protects the person who is being accused of a crime. [3]

Hi, I really liked your essay up until the last body paragraph. That paragraph seemed to contradict a lot of the reasons your provided in the first two body paragraphs.

Here are some other comments and suggestions:

The debate surrounding jury {I think "jury predisposition" is incorrect here - maybe "a jury's learning of the accused's previous criminal activity"}

... information [about] the past before agreeing on a jurisdiction.{"jurisdiction" is wrong here - try "verdict"}

First of all, there is little reason to ... {this sentence was confusing - it sounded like you were saying there is little risk that the jury will become biased by hearing about the defendant's record} As the jury is picked from the community, there's {avoid contractions in formal essays}

... complex, and even uncomprehensive. {"uncomprehensive" seems unclear to me here - I guess you mean that the records don't tell the whole story, that there may have been extenuating circumstances that are not included in the record?} The resulting failure [to understand] the records

... sensible people,[who come] with flaws.

... rely on past records to [reach a guilty verdict], the evidence

... forensic technology and [advanced] psychological science

... enough evidence to accurately {"accurately" seems a bit odd in this context - maybe "rightly" or "properly"} convict a criminal.

... may argue that smart [criminals] with connections may evaporate {"evaporate" sounds odd here} conclusive evidence that ... {this does not make sense to me - how can hiding a person's past behavior get rid of evidence in the current case? This sentence seems to go against what you said in the previous paragraph, that the only concern should be the evidence in the current case.}

...repeated disrespect for the law can be [an indicator of guilt]

Writing Feedback / The given graph shows the consumption of fast food in the UK (per week) from 1970 to 1990. [2]

Hi, I liked your report. Expenditure means spending, so you spend on something, not in or of something, and have expenditures on something Here are some other comments and suggestions:

The mentioned line chart elucidates {this sounds a bit odd to me in this context - maybe "gives" or "presents" or "illustrates"} the expenditure on three different types of fast food in the United Kingdom purchased weekly in the period between 1970 and 1990.

As can be seen ..., hamburger {I would use the plural here} and ...

... the most significant change.

In 1970, pizza was by far the most popular fast ... over 300 grams each week per person. Meanwhile, the consumptions {I would use the singular here, as consumption is non-countable} of hamburger ...

...the expenditure on pizza while ...

... at 150 grams {"rise at 150 grams" is unclear to me - I guess you mean that the consumption accelerated rapidly and doubled from 150 to 300 grams in the five years between 1980 and 1985} in the consumption of fish and chips, ...

... reaching 500 ... was a surprise. {why was this a surprise? There is really not enough information for this to be either surprising or expected} Similarly, the forenamed of hamburger {this sounds odd to me, like you have given this hamburger a name, like "Harry the Hamburger"} reached a peak {"hit the highest point" and "reached a peak" to me describe a line that rises to a peak and then falls afterward. So here, I am not sure it is appropriate or clear, since we have no information about what happened after 1990} at approximately 290 grams. Nevertheless, {this is not the best transition. It means "despite this fact" and so is a cause and effect transition. Really what you want is a contrast transition, like "In contrast"} the amount spent on pizza ...

...later went up moderately to 210 grams by the end of the period shown.

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2 : essay about health problems (causes and measures) [2]

Hi, your writing in this essay is fairly clear, but you do have a number of minor errors in grammar and usage that make some of your sentences sound unnatural.

Your format might not be exactly what the graders are looking for though. Usually in this type of prompt, the causes are given in one body paragraph and the solutions are given in the second body paragraph. You have given one cause with its corresponding solution in each paragraph. This might be ok, but you ran into trouble in your second body paragraph because you end up talking about both diet and exercise, when your topic sentence indicated that the paragraph would be about diet alone. In other words, because of the format you have chosen, your essay seems unorganized and harder to follow. Also note my comments about avoiding giving reasons in your intro. Here are some specific suggestions:

To begin with, one of

...developed countries face a highly competitive

... effort to make a living. As a result, individuals ... time during which they could have done sports or exercise instead of constantly working. In a study {"shown is Taiwan" seems odd - maybe "done in Taiwan"?} around

... to relax or play sports because ... with work. {"works" is only used for works of art or similar}

... each worker's workload. After all, the 'people' {why is this in quotes? This would imply they are not actually people! } are the most ...

In addition, dietary habits also play an essential role in our bodies' health. ... fast food restaurant is increasing significantly. {I am not convinced globalisation is the cause of this - there are many local fast food restaurants as well as global chains}

... too busy to pay enough attention to ... children to become overweight. ... try to impose taxes {or "a tax on"} on fast food restaurants or support ...

... sports or exercise, since both ...

... to keep us in shape. It is true ...

Letters / Write an apology letter to the customer [2]

Hi, I think you did a great job of addressing the points in the prompt. You did have some incorrect verb tenses though and a couple of other errors:

the unsatisfactory service you encountered ... which was in association with ... {"association" sounds odd to me though - maybe "... 25th, in your interaction with our team member ..."}

... how furious and [irritated] you must have been with your experience at that time. {or "... understand the anger and irritation you experienced ..."}

... ruined your best moment [by] declining to pack your leftover food. { or "to pack you a to-go bag"} is this what you meant? It was a bit unclear to me} His bad manners and poor behavior was inadequate in terms of the restaurant's commitments, {or "principles"} which prioritize

... he has now been suspended from work ...

... for his attitude and assure you we will re-train him concerning ...

... Your feedback is extremely significant information that merits attention.

... for four people, provided you visit ABC restaurant next time {this sounds a tiny bit rude to me - maybe "... for four people for your next visit to ABC ..."} as a thank-you.

... Sincerely,
Han Nguyen, Assistant Manager

Essays / How Pinder's four principles would be helpful [2]

:)

I don't think you are following Pinder's principles! They seem to be about combating writer's block by just writing - even if it is not very good, you can always delete, edit and revise!

Writing Feedback / Small businesses are forced to close, unable to compete with multinational company [2]

Hi, I think you did address the topic, but your essay was not very convincing and seemed quite unorganized and difficult for me to follow. It's unclear why having more large companies at the expense of smaller companies would result in higher poverty. Don't large companies hire as many workers? Don't large companies pay as much as small companies? Maybe not, but you need to examine these assumptions more clearly if you want your argument to be convincing. Furthermore, your example of Astra is not really the best. A truck or automobile company really has to be big. There are not really any small, "mom and pop" companies that produce cars and trucks because it takes so much capital to buy all the necessary machines and factories it takes to build such complicated products. Maybe a huge industrial bakery eliminating the local bread or donut shop would be a better example. And your solution seems very vague to me. Who would be in charge of this funding or investment? Why is this investment not already taking place? Don't big investors tend to invest in large, stable corporations? So maybe too much investment is the problem? Or at least the wrong type of investment? In any case, your solution is very vague and unclear to me. Here are some other specific suggestions.

The existence of dominant {unbeatable sounds a bit odd in this context} companies, ... internationally,tends to lead to a number of smaller businesses going bankrupt.

... is the major consequence of thisproblem of this cause, funding ... could help them recover their liquidity. {"recover their liquidity" sounds pretty unnatural though}

... to survive competition with the ...
... specifically those with a low-income ... from this outcome because they would lose their job.

... produces fuel-combustion {"fuel combustion" is wrong - maybe "internal combustion"} vehicles and monopolize ]the] whole of small companies' consumers... by offering exclusive features and offers. Consequently, the small corporations collapse due to a lack of profit ... jobless, thus increasing the poverty level increase then.

... welfare being threatened, owing to the rising rate of poverty.

How to prevent the small businesses from collapsing?

... the liquidity of these companies, avoiding the possibility of a resultant increase in poverty. Some equity venture {this is vague and unclear - why exactly do you mean?} would be ...

... businesses in America has been growing significantly since they are funded by well-organized groups of investors, so that the poverty rate of America is declining 0,4% each ... Therefore, with a push for more investment in fledgling companies, people's ...

On the whole, ... increase due to collapsing ...

... the problem of joblessness and reduce the poverty level.

Writing Feedback / Finnbuild Report ( Explanation about an excursion on a Building Fair in Helsinki-Finland ) [2]

Hi, here are my suggestions:

... aim was to experience and explore a building industry exhibition that was held

Firstly, based on our previously planned appointment, almost all of

...front of the entrance at 10:00 am.

... gave us some tips to ensure our having a

... as a sample to search for suitable materials for his current

After entering the hall, our tickets ..., and some leaflets were handed out to guide us.

... categorized by different colors, each showing the main features and major activity of that area.

The brochure was not clear

information would have helped me more, ... desk I was able to find my target destinations easily.

On the way, I was able to get a more tangible sense of the different building materials and could see ... of piping systems which are especially

... there were several companies/products which seem to be more worthy of further explanation:

This company displayed a prominent ... system meant to decrease the risk of water leakage. This is important, since the leaks

This also can lead to a build up of mold just ... causes respiratory distress, asthma

... practical application that can allow the user to monitor the sensors via your cell phone

This is a Finnish subsidiary company ... of aparent company from Germany.

distinguishing system capable of finding a small hole even the size of a small pin on a roof, ... whole ceiling in order to find the leak and restore the roof

and prevent excessive use of oil-based materials such as asphalt to restore existing roofs as well as the concurrent disposal of waste . Despite their good and tangible presentation, the lack of English speakers among their employees impeded my attempts to go further

... in the field of faucets explained their

... around 3.5 liters/min. Based on the explanation ... of the wisest choices in swimming pools and hotels, since the water consumption in these applications does matter.

... and the personnel at the booths were ... very well. Last but not least facility ... services in the upcoming future. {this last part was unclear to me}

Letters / A letter to a newspaper about facilities for shoppers could be improved. Writing task 1 IELTS. [2]

Hi, to me your letter doesn't seem to exactly follow the spirit of the prompt. This is a letter that would be written to the mall owners themselves, not to a newspaper. The prompt is talking about a general shopping district or area, an area without one specific owner. Still, you do seem to have addressed the points in the prompt, so that is good. Here are some specific suggestions:

... my annoyance at the problems with the facilities in the Shopping Mall. {don't capitalize shopping mall. Only capitalize proper names, like "Eastside Shopping Mall"}

... letters without any further response before ...

The Shopping Mall has become the most ... way to shop since it had been opened

... It is possible to buy almost everything from groceries to home appliances there.

... problems have been revealed. ... the problem with transaction equipment ... The queue at the cashbox seems to increase day by day due to ... almost every item

... slowing down the payment ... ever find a pushcart ...

... repair the barcode scanner and ask the POS-terminals ...

... repaired but replacing them completely would be ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: Information on the number of hectares of forest in 6 different places worldwide [2]

Hi, make sure to include the actual chart so that we can more accurately review your work. Here are my suggestions:

forest in 6 different continents worldwide ...

... in most of the studied areas {"studied areas" is a little odd, since this chart includes the entire world's forests, since every continent except for barren Antarctica is included}

with the exception of ...

... in the amount of forested land

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: 'waste table' essay - The table below shows the amount of waste production [2]

Hi, here are some suggestions:

The graph {this is not a graph, it is a chart or table} compares

amount of waste that was produced ... in the years 1980...

It is clear that the US produced the more waste than any of the other countries

... of waste produced between 1980 ... nations increased their waste production

... waste production waxed {this sounds pretty odd - waxed is really only used for the moon phases} from ...

there was also a rising trend in Japan, Poland, and Portugal. Japan was the second highest waste ... tonnes of waste production , which rose to 53 million tonnes over the following two decades

... difference between Ireland ... production expanded more than ... from only 0.6 ...

... from the year ...

Writing Feedback / International aid for the development plans for developing countries [3]

Hi, I don't think you did a very good job on differentiating the two options the prompt gives. I think the problem lies with the prompt a little bit - what is the difference between "financial aid" and "practical aid"? To me, cash is pretty darn practical - probably the most practical aid there is. I guess you have divided them into regular financial aid over a period of years vs providing immediate short term aid during a crisis. I guess this is a valid demarcation, but it would be better if you could make it more clear that this is what you are basing your discussion on. Plus you muddy the waters when you talk about assistance to Nigeria during a crisis period, as I can't tell the difference between this and the other crises you talk about in your second body paragraph. Here are some other specific suggestions:

the development of the poorer nations mostly {this mostly sounds vague and ambiguous to me - is this work mostly done by world level organizations, or is this what world level organizations mostly do?} world level organizations like UNO, do support

Few {make sure to understand the big difference between "few" and "a few" - "few" has a negative connotation meaning very few, while "a few" is more neutral, like "several", and is what I think you mean here} individuals say ... others emphasize on {or "put the emphasis on"} practical help ... Both the conditions {these are not really "conditions", more like strategies} are important ...

{I would begin with a transition phrase here} Financial support is very crucial

nation to survive and [is critical to] {you needed something here, because your sentence meant the nation will survive and support, but it is the financial assistance that does the supporting} support the country's economy, to

provide the basic necessities to people it is very important ... {this is a run-on sentence} Organizations like the United Nations support

to keep thelivingconditions

providing loans from world bank.{either "the World Bank" or "world banks" - you probably mean the former}

Nigeria to support them in sustaining the life during the crises period. {this is a bit unclear - what is "the life" and it would be helpful to say what the crisis was}

Looking at the second view, {I would restate what the second view is - don't make the reader have to work so hard! } support in the practical terms like situations of war, ... in these conditions, {maybe this is describing what the "second view" is, but it is unclear to me. "In the practical terms" would mean what assistance is provided, but then you describe the situations where aid is needed - "terms" and "situations" are different things here. Plus, "support" is vague - the prompt is talking about the difference between financial aid and expert advice - which one of these are you talking about here?}

... to support their friendly nations, {"their friendly nations" sounds odd and unclear - do you mean their allies?}

... affected by the infection, {"disease" sounds better here}

... medical staff to provide a cure for the infection ...

... on the circumstances of the nation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Today more and more people are using mobile phones and computers [3]

Hi, here are some suggestions for your essay:

It is true {when you say "it is true", you are already giving your opinion. So you are actually giving your opinion and then given it again. I think it is best to restate the prompt by stating this trend and acknowledging that people have different opinions about what it means, and then finish with your opinion} ...

reasons why the frequent utilization of these technological gadgets frequently in current time in recent years is attributable to the loss of face-to-face... {"the loss of the ability to communicate face-to-face" is better, but your whole sentence is wrong - the loss of communication is attributable to the cell phones, not vice versa}

Firstly, each individual's time ... daily tasks such ...

If the individual's time is spent excessively in accessing ...

Secondly, because any event or thought {try to avoid using "thing" or "anything" - be more specific and creative} aboutone's current life

meeting ... members in person. Instead of conversation, each ...

... as Facebook and Skype with appealing

The more often people sign in to their social networks, the less time they spend hanging out ... Furthermore, a significant number of {"several" seems too few - like only 4 or 5 people in the whole world} people ...

.., especially headaches and heart disease.

... to have a chat with their colleagues and in the end they ...

I believe that the increased use of these ... {"appliances" doesn't really work here - it means larger equipment like refrigerators and washing machines} in today's life results in reducing the ability to directly communicate.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2: Some people believe that graduation from university is the key to a fulfilling career [3]

Hi, I think your essay displays great mastery of the English language. You have addressed the prompt well and your essay is clearly organized. Here are some specific suggestions:

after which they receive a legal certificate. {to me, a diploma is not really "a legal certificate" }

occupations that demand professionalism. {maybe "professional credentials" is better, since you are talking about certifications and so on}

He became a graduate of {"became a graduate of" sounds needlessly verbose - why not, "He graduated from the University ..."}

Currently, he is doing a remunerative job {"doing a remunerative job" sounds very unnatural and awkward to me - maybe "he is enjoying a profitable career as ..."} ..., can't {avoid contractions in formal essays} be applied into reality.{"into reality" sounds odd to me - maybe "applied in practical settings"}

... their desired job - the job they are preparing for.

... when coming to {"when entering new ..." seems better} new environments.

those who have higher EQ {I am not sure the grader will know what EQ refers to - I would give a short description}

... finish their university study, {"studies" is better here}

... in terms of a solid education. In other words,they lack the bachelor degree, which is necessary to apply for ...

Writing Feedback / Increasing the prices of fuels are the only way to reduce its consumption and pressure on the world [2]

Hi, make sure to always include the complete prompt so we can determine if you have addressed it in the correct way. I assume this is your prompt:

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with the above statement?
What other measures do you think might be effective?

I think your essay is very clearly written and sounds natural for the most part. Here are some specific suggestions:

The discovery of fuel {this sounds a little odd to me - I mean, this is not a recent discovery, fuel has been around ever since the first cave woman burned wood to cook her food} has brought enormous benefits

the future of humanity once the resources are all out. {"have run out" sounds better}

increases in the price of fuels are the only solution to this problem. There is some truth in this argument. {This is a pretty vague answer to the prompt's question "to what extent do you agree?" I would try to be more explicit}

undeniable thatarise in the cost of fuels is of great help in decreasing the consumption to the decrease of these natural materials consumption.

it in order to save their budget. {"save their budget" sounds a bit odd - maybe "maintain/manage their budget" or "save their money"}

and they will have more time to renew their materials. {who is "they"? The consumers? and what does "renew their materials" mean here? A little unclear to me}

run out of fuels and human {try to avoid using "human/s" unless you are talking about biology or comparing us with other animals - try "society"} will lose their {and when you say "humans" and then "their", it makes it sound like you are speaking from outside the group, that you are not a human yourself - I assume you are a real person and not an AI writing this essay? :) } most effective energy sources.

some adverse drawbacks forthe typical consumer human beings.

cost of transportation, manufacturing and the fall in the cost of other sources of energy such as solar energy,... {don't use ellipses like this in a formal essay. Also, why would an increase in oil prices cause the cost of solar energy to go down? I don't follow}

... impact on the life of people. {"on people's lives" / "on individuals' lives" sounds more natural here}

other alternative energy sources instead of onlyfossil fuels.

government should raisepeople's awareness ... and use them properly. {you need two nouns to make this phrase parallel, so "... and their proper use" or "and the urgency of using them properly"}

In conclusion, an increase in ...

Writing Feedback / The given diagram illustrates the process of brick making [Writing task 1] [4]

Yes, treating is not the same as handling. Think of a water treatment plant, where water is filtered and chemicals are added to it. Or steel may be treated by adding a rustproof coating to it.

Writing Feedback / The given diagram illustrates the process of brick making [Writing task 1] [4]

Hi, I think you have done a pretty good job of explaining the diagram. I am not sure where you are getting the four stages though. I see either 6 stages plus delivery, or 5 stages plus getting the clay and delivering the bricks. Here are some specific suggestions:

with the digging of clay and ending

with new products packaged and delivered to be purchased. {"new products" sounds like newly developed products - I would say "completed bricks". And I would leave out the "to be purchased", maybe the bricks have already been purchased and are being delivered directly to the final customer - try not to make assumptions that are not in the diagram}

... by using a digger and put through a metal grid onto a roller.

After that, it is being mixed

water before being formed into the bricks in two ways, either by a wire cutter or using a mould.

a drying oven for a period of 24-48 hours.

... (200C-900C) and then at a higher ... before being treated {I don't think "treated" is the right word here - it is not like anything is being added to them, they just cool down}

Essays / Essay about the news media - how to start? [3]

Well, maybe you can read a few foreign newspapers or watch some foreign news reports on the internet. From my limited experience, it seems like the BBC for instance is more staid and less prone to sensationalize the news than many US news outlets.

Writing Feedback / Unequality in this world; Ielts topic: The gap between the rich and the poor. Problems and solutions [2]

Hi, it is important that you include the complete prompt along with your essay. That is the only way we can determine if you have properly addresed the topic. I found this prompt online that I am pretty sure appllies to your essay:

The gap between the rich and the poor is becoming wider; the rich are becoming richer, and the poor are getting even poorer. What problems can the situation cause? What can be done to reduce this gap?

I think you have addressed this prompt pretty accurately, but your essay is not very clearly written and there are a lot of confusing sentences. Your solutions paragraph is especially unclear. I get that the government should produce cheap, high quality goods, but how would that be done? Wouldn't companies already be trying to do that? And your part about poor people trying to be optimistic just doesn't make sense to me. Here are some specific comments and suggestions:

THE DISTURBING DISCREPANCY {I don't think titles are necessary or wanted for an IELTS essay}

imposing on human rights or ... {"others exaggerated roots" does not make sense here }

between the wealthy and the poor ... Although lots of people {I would avoid "lots of", there are many more options that sound more polished}

consequences caused ... can not be solved, ... restrict the gap' size as the solutions. {the end of your sentence does not make sense - as the solutions what?}

downsides of this problem should be exposed for the sake of ... to deal with it.

Fundamentally, it affects widely on ... {"affects on" is incorrect}

phenomenon continues prolonging, the poor might lose their confidence, the inferiority ... into society. {the last part of this sentence just doesn't make much sense}

the development of various countries' commerce and economy.

For instance, people living at a higher standard

with their purchasing power parity,{this phrase is unclear to me}

however, the poor are even deprived of the ability to afford the essential products for survival, so it leads ... for the whole society. {It is unclear why the poor would make it difficult to produce common items}

solutions to diminish the distance between economic classes, in order ... it has triggered.

... suggest that the social activities {what social activities? this is unclear to me} could maintain ...

effort in producing the stuffs {"stuffs" or "stuff" sounds odd, I would avoid it}

there are still a couple of ... and the authorities to be implemented.

Writing Feedback / With the rise of e-books comes the decline in paper-books-What are the advantages and disadvantages [2]

Hi, I think you did a pretty good job of addressing the prompt until your final paragraph. The prompt did not ask for your personal opinion, so unless it does, do not give your opinion. Your writing was fairly clear, but you had a lot of small grammar errors that overall make your essay sound unnatural. You especially should work on singular/plural, since you have a lot of mistakes in that area. Here are some specific suggestions:

Because of the new invention {what new invention? You have to tell the reader specifically} of this modern era,

... considerably interested in downloading an e-book

on their smart technology devices such as phones

this kind of books is weighs less and (...) to hold in their hands. {this is a reason - don't introduce your reasons in the introduction, wait until the body paragraphs}

people reading an e-books, there will be fewer people

The first advantage of the e-book trend {this sounds repetitive, as you used the exact same phrase in the sentence before}

easily handle {"store" seems better here} several books ...

people do not have to carry several paper-books

Moreover, publishers do not have ... make a thousand books to sell. All they need is just to write a book

save their [time] and money ...

Some groups of people

receive this type of book due to the fact

technologies, which are used to download the books.

Because of the light from the smart technologies,

Also, this trend will affect people's health

books will have detrimental effects for ...

In conclusion, this trend will provide convenience for people and it is environmentally friendly to the earth.
... cannot afford for the books. {well, the trend won't really effect those who can't afford it, the trend will just bypass them}

it is not equal for the poor people.

using two hands to hold the books and opening each page to continually read

Writing Feedback / SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT A SOCIETY MUST PUT IT'S OVERALL SUCCESS BEFORE PEOPLE. [3]

Hi, your English is very good and your essay is extremely well-written. That is what makes it so hard to tell you that I don't think this essay would score very well. You have not really addressed the prompt at all, you have answered almost an entirely different question. You have answered "What is the most effective way for a government to improve the well-being of its people?" But notice that this is not the prompt you were given. The question is whether it is more important to have a "successful society" or is the "general welfare of all its people" more important? I think "successful society" is open to interpretation, which you would probably do in your introduction. To me, this implies a modern, advanced capital, with impressive buildings and monuments, a modern military and a respected university, and so on. So the question is whether governments should strive to have an impressive society or happy citizens. One common format for IELTS introductions is to restate the prompt in your own words. I don't know if this is the most creative method, but it does help to make sure that you are addressing the prompt directly, which I don't think you have done here. Here are some specific grammar and usage suggestions:

India has recently opened ...

which is considered as the business capital

its implementation will immensely ...

However, the travel expenses {"travel expenses" sounds odd and unclear here. I would say "ticket prices"} of this train limits its usage

... result in a tortoise walk {I think you need to define "tortoise walk" or give more clues - maybe a tortoise walk means slow and steady progress resulting in victory, like the "Tortoise and the Hare" story, but here I think you mean it disparagingly} towards success of the society.

in order to be on par with ... {this is a little unclear to me} Once, {no comma here} the individuals of the society

reach a certain level of prosperity,{is this what you mean? "Extent" is pretty vague} then another step

followed by a waiting period.

In the case of ...

the individuals of the society are giventwith {this is unclear - "given with" doesn't work - maybe "granted the minimum"?} the minimum amount of resources

Writing Feedback / People have different views about what young individuals should do when they leave high school. [5]

Hi Thaoduyen, I think the best way is to treat it like an idiom. It cannot be used with every adjective, but here are some examples where it works:

to be of use = to be useful
to be of help = to be helpful
be of aid = to provide aid
be of service = to provide service
to be of importance = to be important
to be of significance = to be significant
to be of consequence = to be consequential
to be of interest = to be interesting
to be of benefit = to be beneficial
to be of assistance = to be helpful
to be of worth = to be valuable
to be of good quality = to be good with respect to quality

Writing Feedback / People have different views about what young individuals should do when they leave high school. [5]

Hi, I think you have addressed the prompt pretty well, here are some specific suggestions:

the decision to get a job straight after school {try to avoid repeating phrases like "straight after school" - you could mix it up by saying "immediately after high school graduation" for instance}

is attractive for some reasons. {"for some reason" means you don't really know the particular reason - "She doesn't seem to like my dress for some reason." So I would avoid saying "for some reasons" because it sounds so similar}

as soon as possible will be more financially independent in finance.

their living costs such as accommodation fees {"accommodation fees" sounds odd and unnatural - I would probably just say "rent"}

they help to reduce the financial burden

those who start a career ...
Therefore, there will be a higher chance of them getting promotions quickly.

option to pursue higher education is of greater benefit. {or "is more beneficial"}

... in the struggle of getting {"struggling to get these" is more natural} these jobs

significant competition in the job market nowadays, thus many employers

priority to candidates who havea more extensive academic background, which allows university graduates to have countless opportunities in finding a job.

while it is true that getting a job

have much more opportunities intheir career paths if they continue higher education.

Writing Feedback / Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity/IETLS task one [2]

Hi, I'm not sure about the word count, but I do think that your report could have been a little more clear. There didn't seem to be enough structure to organize the report, so the main part of your report ended up just sounding like 6 sentences comparing the male and female participation rates in the 6 age groups. I think it would have been better if you had said something like: Only in the youngest group did male participation exceed the female participation rate. The results switched in the 25 to 34 group, with females exceeding males by 48.9 to 42.2. The gap got wider in the 35 to 44 group, with women out-participating men by 52.5% to 39.5%, but then difference between the two sexes gradually decreased as the ages got higher until at age 65 and over the rates were almost identical. See, if you give more of an overall feel for the data, then the reader will have a better idea of what the graph is showing.

Here are some specific suggestions:

age groups who were regularly involved

Australia in the year of 2010. {or just "in 2010"}

... men who worked out on a regular basis

By contrast, 53.3% of the females who were more interested in physical activities, with more than 10% increased more than males ... However, in the age group

saw a close rate between men and ...

... had the lowest involvement rate in regular body building, {this regular body building sounds odd, like you are comparing it with irregular body building or something}

... both had similar increase rate {"increase rate" is wrong here} with just over 7% more females than males

Writing Feedback / MOTIVATING OTHERS FOR ARMED FORCES [2]

Hi, here are my suggestions:

time and again and that stated, 'The Military

... joined themilitary I found the words were more true than anything else

I have discovered that a military ... but one also works for ...

Many times military personnel are entrusted ... they are not adequately trained enough

... they make the job perfect. {"do the job perfectly" is what I think you mean}

accomplished with flawless completion, it remembers the military. That's why probably why Bangladesh military people are so well respected.

... the money earned will not stay with the dead body remain after one has passed away, but the respect will.
... also enhances the arena {"enhances the arena" sounds vague and unclear} to learn

different cultures and peoples at home and abroad. Most of the military ... travelled as part of their job responsibility.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 2 about Married women and teens [2]

Hi so11123, I thought your writing was pretty understandable in this essay. Maybe your thesis statement could have been more specific in stating exactly to what extent you disagree. In your first paragraph, you could have connected the dots a little better and explcitly state that living in single parent homes actually makes kids more responsible, not less. You have the statements there, but you could have connected them more effectively. Your second body paragraph was less clear - it sounds like you are saying that single mothers have a disadvantage because they cannot keeps tabs on their kids as easily, but that goes against your thesis. Here are some specific suggestions:

In the traditional family setting,

mothers usually focus all their attention

however, this shift may lead teenagers to become rebellious.

who work are not associated with those problems

responsibility should be placed on mothers, {or "not all the blame should be placed on"}

First and foremost, not all the responsibility should be blamed on mothers. {this is still incorrect and now you have repeated the error - try to avoid repetition, even of correct words and phrases ;) }

It is a cliche idea that mothers should be the role to take care of children traditionally. {this last phrase is confusing to me{

the kids who grow up in single-parent families would become involved in crimes

the mother works and the kids stay at home

institution for kids to learn and where they spend most of their time in early life.

They learn morals and ethics in there.

children should take their own responsibility for their own actions

they are capable of classifying what is right or wrong.

If mothers spend all their time taking care of their children,... get tired and their mental health will suffer.

take drugs without noticing their mothers finding out because ...

To conclude, I think the trend in which many ...

main reason that causes teenagers' problems

Writing Feedback / TOEFL independent writing - a better life with an undergraduate degree or a master degree? [2]

Hi, I think your writing is not too bad, but your essay needs a better introduction and conclusion. You don't really have a thesis statement. I don't think a rhetorical question is suitable as a thesis statement and I would recommend that your intro and conclusion each be at least three sentences long. You have three good reasons, but I think including specific, detailed examples would help drive home your points and increase your word count. Here are some specific suggestions:

First of all, in my opinion, the most important reason is to increase your strength {"strength" seems an odd word choice - used alone it would refer to physical strength}

cruel world, [so] competition [in] our world [has] become

will attract hundreds] of [job seekers] {or "applicants"} to apply

gain better work [and] win this battle.

a stable job or even raise [support their] whole family.

a student who is from [the] countryside can broaden

attending a social club[;] besides, he can grab

undergraduate courses[;] studying always makes

can it [expand] our eyesight by informing us [of] lots of new things

that will definitely be helpful on someday.

Undergraduate / My childhood and overseas experiences - self introduction for exchange program [2]

Hi, I think for your conclusion you need to tie these experiences into how this new program will help you. You need to explain why you want to pursue this new program and how it it tie into and build upon this foundation you have created. You have a lot of incorrect past perfect tenses here. Past perfect is really only for when something happened in the past and then it changed because something else happened in the past. - "I had been scared to use English, but then I realized that people would understand if I made mistakes." If something just happens in the past and does not change, use simple past. "I was scared to use English because I doubted my ability to communicate."

Undergraduate / I was drawn towards the University of Waterloo for 2 main reasons. [3]

Hi, this seems very wordy for such a short statement. With such a strict limit, you need to optimize every word to make sure you can communicate how the special programs are Waterloo are uniquely optimal to help you fulfil your goals. Overall your statement seems too general with wasted phrases like "a new and every-changing field requiring adapatibility in its specialists." That sentence does not really tell much about you or about your chosen university. You say Waterloo is innovative, but you need to show, not tell. What exactly makes it innovative? Why is its culture innovative? Do they not have tests? Is every professor a woman? Are their classrooms painted bright purple? You need to provide the details. As for the co-op program, that is more clear, but still including details on specific co-op programs that you wish you could have taken part in will help make your writing more specific. Here are some suggestions on ways you can condense your sentences so you can add more details:

I was drawn towards the University of Waterloo [draws me] for 2 main reasons. First of all, [its] reputation as Canada's most innovative university [meshes with my] career goal of

... culture will [furnish me] with the right mindset [to actualize] my goal.

My lack of experience ... of getting a job. [By] helping me gain ..., the program will [rectify my relative lack of practical experience by] fully [preparing] me with ... skills to [ensure] success after graduation. (0 characters left)

Writing Feedback / Travel agencies with customized travel program or free backpacking? [4]

Hi, I respectfully disagree with manhhackc and think that personal examples are fine for this type of essay. That being said, I would steer clear of using the second person if possible. Saying "you should this, you should that" sounds a little inelegant, so I would try to stick to first and third person, which usually is not too difficult. Here are some specific suggestions:

the number of the travel [agencies] providing ... {maybe "agencies, each providing their own customized travel programs"}

is not always the best alternative [when traveling] {it sounded you were saying a tour company is an alternative to travel, but really it is one way to travel}

I feel this way for three reasons, which ... {I think it is better to end your intro with a powerful thesis that summarizes your viewpoint - this seems weak}

although [a] tour group

time and effort [by considering] all your needs and [making] the whole plan for you

joined a tour group and were [allowed] to spend ...

we were taken to a shopping store.{what other kinds of stores are there? maybe "shopping center" or "shopping area"} It [was] impossible to ... in so limited [a ]time, [to say nothing of meaningless ]shopping [expeditions].

If we travel alone, we can go wherever we want and spend enough time to enjoy every site rather than wasting time in a shopping center. As a result, I am strongly opposed to traveling with tour groups, which totally ruined the pleasure in travel.

The other reason {other reason for what? try to refer back to the prompt and your thesis in each topic sentence} is associated with money.

Following with a tour ...

... restaurants, the [charter/tour bus] fee of travel bus and the tour agency.

... provides [a ] feeling of accomplishment.

fond of adventure and[ exploring] everything new,

... to happen if [I am] in a tour group

or those [who] cannot understand

travel in Norway for example[;] on the way

We went [to] find [the] aurora together ...
... to travel alone for the [experiences] {try to avoid using "things" - there is always a better word, so "things" means you could not come up with any better alternative}

By the way of conclusion,

Writing Feedback / "The Bet" by Anthon Chekov - MY THOUGHTS [3]

Hi, I think you did a good job. I am not sure exactly what the assignment is, but you gave a pretty good summary of the story and your thoughts on it. Here are some specific suggestions:

I did not show any signs of interest in the story when {better to say "the story showed no signs of interesting me ..."}

flashed back to fifteen years [before].

... aged five-and-twenty {why not "twenty-five"?}

over whether [the] death penalty

banker that he [could] stay in ...

would get [two million dollars/pounds/marks] from the banker

more knowledgeable than he would have [been].

the bet was so ridiculous and stupid [that] I believe ...

wasted [the] best fifteen years

the things that we are doing [are] meaningless,

unique feature in [their] future leading to success

Graduate / "Somewhere, something is waiting to be known" - Robotics MSC Degree application essay [3]

Hi, your first paragraph is not too bad, but you need to jump in a little faster with what program you are applying to and why. The second paragraph seems pretty weak - the readers already know a lot about robots. And just the fact that robots are common and useful doesn't seem like a very convincing reason to want to study them. In your third paragraph, this is a list of very general engineering subjects, I'm not sure why you need to mention them. I do like your experience with the wire crimping machine - maybe you could go into more detail about how that actually captured your imagination.

I would leave paragraphs four and five out. Your goal is not to teach the reader about the history of engineering, they are supposed to learn about you. I guess paragraph six is better because at least you are talking about how these events affected you, but the examples still seem too general. Paragraph 7 also needs more details. What is the main reason you want to study in Estonia? Maybe it is leading the way in tech, but I always think of Germany or Korea or the US doing that - why Estonia exactly? There is nothing very convincing about your explanation. The last two paragraphs are too general also. What exactly is a space robot engineer and what does a space robot engineer do?

In summary, I think your letter has a lot of unnecessary information about robotics and scientists in general and is missing specific details about your background, your plans for the future, and how this specific program will allow you to reach your goals. I would search for some general motivation letter guidelines geared toward engineering students, or even better, specific guidelines created by the university to which you are applying. Usually these guidelines will say to include specific knowledge and skills you have gained in your education and career, personal qualities your achievements and successes have displayed, what lack of knowledge and experience is holding you back and how this program will remedy that situation, and exactly what draws you to this particular program and its research and education focus.

Writing Feedback / Check sentences about media topic - newspapers [2]

Today, I would like to focus on [the topic of the media].

a breaking news [article] before I ate

I usually [stay] up to the [minute] for newspaper ... {this sentence is very confusing - maybe "I usually stay up the the minute by reading the newspaper and avoiding stale news."

I [thought] that many editorial police have not ... {this is confusing also - what are "editorial police"?

Therefore, they have been [experiencing] falling circulation [, reflected in a diminishing number of papers] sold each day.

... which did not help [in] building [their] brand [to the] top.