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Posts by shintacandrade
Name: Shinta Candra Dewi
Joined: Feb 2, 2015
Last Post: Nov 17, 2015
Threads: 10
Posts: 74  
Likes: 87
From: Indonesia
School: Gadjah Mada University

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shintacandrade   
Nov 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK2 : Whether the media should notice ordinary people than famous people ? [4]

Lifestyle of public figures such as actors, singers, or footballers brings the press to take much seriously. I would argue that common people also have a right to be well-known in a part of society when they achieve a success, whereas I totally disagree since they will exaggerate to reveal about their lives.

Hi Norman, I have to say that your thesis statement is quite bewildering since you agree in the first statement, then you refute it afterwards. And actually, this did not successfully answer the prompt. Let me rewrite it:

Lifestyles of public figures such as actors, singers, or footballers have been exposed unreasonably by the media. Ordinary people, on the other hand, are rarely reported in the news. I would argue that common individuals also have a right to be well-known in a part of society even though celebrities' lives, in fact, sound far more exciting for public interests. In this case, the media should have courage to bring ordinary people's stories to the public.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta
shintacandrade   
Nov 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / Tourists can bring demerits to the visited country. Yet, tourism business can contribute financially [2]

Some People say that tourism has many negative effects on the countries that people travel to. (1) How true is this statement? (2) What can tourists do to reduce the harmful effects of tourism on local cultures and environments?

In this case, you are being asked 2 QUESTIONS but unfortunately your thesis statement did not successfully answer it. Lets look at this in your introductory paragraph.

Tourism business has been rise in some countries in the recent era. Some people argue that the increasing number of tourists visiting has some demerits for the country where tourists tend to visit, such as tourists can cause the a damage to the visiting site and sometimes they show less respectful to the local culture and regulation. However, this essay will explain about these effects and what tourists can do to tackle the problem.

If you can see, you only provide a partial answer:
1. How true is this statement? >> ? (I cannot find this answer in your thesis)
2. What can tourists do to reduce the harmful effects of tourism on local cultures and environments? >> However, this essay will explain about these effects and what tourists can do to tackle the problem.

This is a common mistake that candidates miss a point they are being asked to discuss. I am afraid you may get a low band score if you do not answer all parts of the question. But do not worry, what you need is look at the question very carefully and plan your answer afterwards!

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Nov 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, a large number of young people have the way of living which is unhealthy. [4]

1.

There is an opinion that this matter is responsibility of the teacher and the family to solve it.

Concise writing is always better. This sentence contains unnecessary words, so please be careful with wording. This is my revision:
Some people believe that schools and parents have responsibility in addressing this issue.
In my point of view, such a revised sentence seems more effective to deliver the meaning of writing.

2. Your thesis statement successfully answered the prompt. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Nov 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK1 : UNHEALTY LIFESTYLE OF CHILDREN [3]

Based on the prompt, you are being asked 'to what extent do you agree with the statement saying that both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem'. As such, you need to discuss:

1. Role of schools and parents
2. Anyone else who are responsible tacking this problem

In this case, you are expected to provide a counter-argument (present the other person's role to solve this issue). If you only raise this issue for schools and parents, I am afraid that you will get a low band score since you do not fully answer the question.

Here is my editing:
Children living condition in this modern era is more likely to be unhealthy. Many people believe that schools and parents have responsibility to take action in addressing this issue. While I assertively agree with this idea, I also believe that government and media should be taken into account when it comes to tackling such children's unhealthy lifestyles.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Nov 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Parents and Schools are responsible for children's unhealty lifestyle [2]

1. Well, when I read this hook and compare it to the question, it seems that this sentence tends to out of topic. I know that you are trying to paraphrase the words from the question, but please make sure that the meaning are still in the same tone. My alternative for this hook is like this:

The way children live in this modern era is more likely to be unhealthy.
2. I have to say that your thesis statement did not successfully answer the question.
To what extend do you agree with this statement? >> Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.

If you, let say, 100% agree with this statement, it means that ONLY schools and parents who are responsible for solving this issue. No one else is responsible. On the other hand, you can say you agree that schools and parents are responsible tackling this problem, but there is possibility that anyone else is also responsible, for example, governments or media. This kind of statement should be provided in your thesis. Let me give a try (totally agree):

Many believe that schools and parents have responsibility in addressing this growing problem. I totally agree with this statement since children spend most their time in both educational institutes and homes in which this situation influences children's lifestyles.


Hope this helps ~ Shinta
shintacandrade   
Nov 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The percentage of issues which people have when they stay in a new country [3]

The percentage of issues which people have when they stay in a new country is presented in the bar chart. Better you put a concluding phrase here to notify the reader that you are starting to show an overview. Use some phrases like Overall, Clearly, It is noticeable that, ...The population in the chart is categorized into three groups follow as: people aged 18-34 years, 35-54 years, and over 55 years. It is also noticeable that the issue of learning the language was the most problematic difficulty for people aged over 55 years.

Here are my suggestions:
1. Tense: use present simple since the graph has no date.
2. Terms in the graph: do not change the terms that are already provided in the graph. For example, you use the term 'forming fellowship' for the term 'making friends'. The thing is that it changes the tone or impression of the report, and the more dangerous one is when the meaning changes. So, I recommend you to keep the original terms as written in the graph.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Nov 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK1: Integritation problems according to people's ages who living abroad. [4]

The bar chart illustratedillustrates the percentage of some problems ...

For introductory sentence, use the present simple to say what the graph shows.

In comparisonOn the other hand, people who aged over 55 hardest is learn new language, they are only experiencedexperience 22% have trouble finding accommodation. However, this is the second greatest problem for the people who aged 18 to 34 and 35 to 53 about 39 to 40 (This is to confusing and difficult to be read by the reader) percent they are finding it hard.

I would like to sum up that according to this chart, it is ...

1. I recommend to put the overview at the beginning because if you run out of time and do not have an overview at the end, then you will lose mark for your task response. In this case, you will not able to reach a band 6 or higher.

2. Avoid to use 'I' in writing task 1. You should never talk about the background to the situation or try to give reasons for it.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Nov 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : the proportion of changes in students graduated from universities in Canadian [2]

A breakdown of the proportion of changes in students graduated from universities in eight dissimilar provinces in Canada from 2001 to 2006, a five-year period (1) is presented in the bar chart. Overall, it is clearly seen that the percentage of international-student graduates in 2006 were higher than the other one. In any case, although student graduates in Alberta province was dominated in 2001, the other provinces experienced a reserve.

1. Do you want to use an appositive for this phrase? There are many ways to use the appositive correctly. One of them is when the appositive interrupts the sentence, put commas after and before the phrase. Therefore, it should look like this: ... from 2001 to 2006, a 5-year period,is... (see the way I put commas)

2. Hasdi, I found that you have a subject-verb agreement problem. This problem usually appears when it comes to complex sentences which contain compound subjects or long noun phrases. Please pay attention to recognize and fix this problem. Better you check your grammar before uploading your essay

... the percentage of ... was higher ...
...graduateswere dominated ...
3. Another problem is the term student graduates . 'student' means you are still learning at a university while 'graduate' means you have passed the university's process and get a degree. In my opinion, those are different terms you cannot join. May be the best term to replace this is 'university graduates'.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Nov 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / A comparison of the proportion change in the overseas students' number in 8 Canadian provinces [2]

A comparison of the proportion change in the overseas students' number graduating from many third-level educations (1) in 8 Canadian provinces from 2001 to 2006, a 5-year period (2) is experienced in the bar chart. Overall, while 2006's figure for foreign students dominated in this question period, New Brunswick witnessed a higher percentage rather than other provinces (3) .

1. Irham, I know that you are trying to paraphrase the words from the question. However, not all words need to be changed. Paraphrasing does not mean that you rephrase all the words. Keep the original terms from the supplied information in the question is also important when it comes to certain words. In this case, I think that the word of 'university' does not need to be converted into 'third-level educations' since it is more likely to change the tone of the whole report.

2. Do you want to use an appositive for this phrase? There are many ways to use the appositive correctly. One of them is when the appositive interrupts the sentence, put commas after and before the phrase. Therefore, it should look like this: ... from 2001 to 2006, a 5-year period,is... (see the way I put commas)

3. Need a bit improvement on the overview. It is always good to write a 2-sentence overview. Let me give a try:
Overall, all universities in the provinces of Canada showed an upward trend in the percentage of international graduates, with the exception of Alberta. Interestingly, while there was a significant growth of this in British Columbia, New Brunswick remained the highest rate between 2001 and 2006.


Hope this helps ~ Shinta
shintacandrade   
Nov 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / The number of overseas pupils graduated from universities in several Canadian provinces from 2001-6 [3]

A breakdown of the proportion alter in the number of (1) overseas pupils (2) graduated from universities in several Canadian provinces from 2001 to 2006, a 5-year period (3) is illustrated in bar chart.

1. The proportion OR the number? it is a different equation, so make sure the units of measurement you use.
2. As far as I am concerned, and it is based on Cambridge dictionary, the term of 'pupil' means a person, especially a child at school, who is being taught. If what you mean here is a person who is learning at university, better you write it as 'student'. Be careful of using synonym, this is a major mistake lots of beginner do. Do not use them if you are not sure of their usage since they may give a very different impression and meaning if used inappropriately. To deal with this issue, I suggest you to check the word in a thesaurus book or dictionary before uploading your essay so as that you know how to use the word.

3. Do you want to use an appositive for this phrase? There are many ways to use the appositive correctly. One of them is when the appositive interrupts the sentence, put commas after and before the phrase. Therefore, it should look like this: ... from 2001 to 2006,a 5-year period,is... (see the way I put commas)


Hope this helps ~ Shinta
shintacandrade   
Nov 10, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - the funding and spending activities of USA charity in a year [2]

These two pie charts compare the income fund and spending activities of USA charity in a year.

Better you write the units of measurement in the introductory paragraph. Let me give a try:
The pie charts compare the percentage of revenue and expenses over a year of charity in the USA.

In general, the first chart shows that the highest revenue is denoted by donated foods while the second chart describes the largest percentages of expenses allocated in program services.

Here, I add some words to make your writing clear. Since you have written 'the first chart' in the beginning, I do so by adding 'the second chart' for comparing the data you want to describe. This is my alternative overview:

Overall, it can be seen that donated food accounted for the highest revenue while program services calculated as the most expense. Furthermore, total revenue sources are adequate to cover the expenditures in one year.


Hope this helps ~ Shinta
shintacandrade   
Oct 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / The Best Eco-Friendly Form of Mode Transportation [2]

Hi Fadli,

The table shows the percentage of employee (1) which is going to work by four shapes of mode transportation in Houston, Texas; and (2) the line chart experiences the amount of CO2 which is resulted as its residual gas and it is measured by kilogram per person per kilometer.

1. 'employee' is categorized as a countable noun. Here, you have some options to write this correctly: an employee OR employees. The usage of articles is a bit tricky, but what you should remember is every singular, countable noun in English must have an article or a determiner. In contrary, plurals can go without that one.

2. As you did in this essay, 'semicolon' is used to connect two independent clauses. If you have a semicolon, do not use it with conjunctions fanboys (for, and, but, or, yet, so).

Let me try to rewrite this:
The table shows the percentage of employees commuting to work and their average age in Houston, Texas; the bar chart gives the information about how much emission from each category of transport used.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Sep 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II: The purpose of business is to make money [3]

Hi Juang, these are my little comments :)

people shall only stick with it

...stick to it...
For this context, stick collocates with to since stick to means that if you stick to a law, rule or promise, you obey it or do what it states (Cambridge dictionary)

even money is important, but innovation is the king

I actually wonder with this sentence, but I think what you mean is this: even tough money is important, innovation is the king .

I disagree with such claim because I think that innovation

I disagree with such a claim since innovation

The aforementioned argument revels that although money is crucial for business, the other factors, such as innovation and people, cannot be disregarded.

For the concluding paragraph, it is suggested that after restating your thesis, better you end it with a final thought.

~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Sep 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS - The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this [4]

Since vangiespen's feedback has helped you a lot to improve your writing, I just want to give you a few more suggestions. Here it is:

Your hook:

Having a concern is one of everyone's dreams.

Your thesis:

Further, I strongly believe that a business person will disagree if money is the main basis.

To me, your hook is too broad. As per the rule of academic writing, an effective hook is often based on the general topic or theme of the thesis. For this reason, what you need here is to create a more specific, appropriate hook.

Cheers! ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Sep 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / It is impossible to avoid fundamental factor of business - making money [2]

Bigger company earns more profit.

Better you write using a correlative comparative for this sentence (the X-er . . . the X-er): The better the company is, the larger profits they earn.
As you can see, each part is syntactically alike, and a comma separates the two clauses.

Thanks to that statement, entrepreneur believes the main goal of business is to earn money.

Here, you are making an overgeneralization. The term of 'overgeneralization' means where the writer makes a claim about all members of a group, but it is only true for some members. As per academic writing, this is inaccurate and will weaken your argument because these following reasons:

1. Readers can easily doubt what you are saying,
2. They may even think that you do not understand your topic

Thus, this is my editing:
For this reason, many entrepreneurs believe that making money must be the most important thing for any business.
I just did a little editing and added 'many'. Now, you can feel it which one is more accurate. It is sometimes hard to explain actually, but you will get a sense of it if you read a lot.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Sep 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Relationships at work (with supervisor and co-workers) [5]

Let me add a few more suggestions, hope this helps :)

To begin, the number of workers whose had very good connection marked increase from 61% to two-thirds over the following years.

1. workers who (whose refers to belonging)
2. a very good connection marked an increase (absence of articles)

While the employees who do not answer the survey disappear in 2009, and in the same time poor relationship leveled off solely at two percent.

You do not need to put a conjunction 'and' in this sentence. Simply use this formula: While SV, SV. OR SV while SV. So, better you write something like this: While the employees who did not answer the survey disappeared in 2009, poor relationships leveled off solely at two percent.

Good luck ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Sep 16, 2015
Writing Feedback / 'numerous plus points' - Undesirable consequences of an electronic media? (IELTS Task II) [4]

Your thesis statement:

In my opinion, I believe that its interposition has a valuable aspect for people's connection in general.

Your body paragraphs:
1.

To begin, people ... has a negative effect , may claim that they tend to become selfish beings.

2.

Although the change ... , I think that it has positive qualities that people has to consider.

Your conclusion:

... even though the electronic media may cause undesirable consequence , I believe that it has numerous plus points ...

Your essay is fairly clear; however, your thesis statement seems inconsistent as I pointed out above. First, you say 'disagree' meaning that both your body para should discuss about 'positive effects'. Unfortunately, you do not write it successfully since your body paragraphs show 'negative effects' (body 1) and 'positive effects' (body 2). A similar inconsistent is also found in your conclusion. Remember that everything in your essay should support your thesis . What you need here is therefore revise your thesis so that it is consistent with the body and conclusion, and so that it will guide your readers rather than confuse them.

Here is my editing to make it becomes consistent:
There has been a shift in the way people communicate since the invention of electronic media. Most of them tend to prefer mediated communication rather than face-to-face interaction. Although it is true that media electronic causes problems on people's relationships, I am basically convinced it has more positive aspects in people's communication styles.


Hope this helps ~ Shinta
shintacandrade   
Sep 16, 2015
Writing Feedback / Negative effect of electronic media on personal relationship - ielts task 2 [3]

The question: The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people

Conclusion:

The aforementioned evidence reveals that digital media have merit and demerit consequences. However, the advantages of that digital media are inevitable. It is clearly seen greater than the detrimental effect. Where possible act more responsibly when you use that technology.

I know that you have tried to paraphrase some words from the question. However, an important step in the process of paraphrasing is to identify any shared language. The term of "shared language" refers to words or phrases in the original source that should remain the same, such as:

1. Proper nouns (President Jokowi, Indonesia, English Studio, ...)
2. Common nouns (police, zebra, chair, ...)
3. Dates and figures (July, 2015, 18%, ...)p
4. Specialized language (blood pressure, enalty kick, ...) >> electronic media is categorized here


It is therefore unnecessary to changed "electronic media" to be "digital media". So, be careful of using synonyms. If you are not sure of their usage do not use them since they may give a very different meaning if used inappropriately.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Sep 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / These days, in this technology era, it is easier than before to maintain a healthy lifestyle [4]

Overall, this is actually a good essay. However, in my opinion, two provided reasons concerning to the question why modern people are easy to have an unhealthy lifestyle are weak and difficult to understand. You need to explain clearly what you mean about 'chemical substances in both agriculture and diet'. In this case, you need something more concrete and specific. I find a good site you can use to develop your essay (regenerate-wellness/unhealthylifestyle.html).

Although I notice that your writing is pretty convoluted, I can say that your third paragraph does not have any serious problem. Here, what you need to do is practice more and more.

Hope this little suggestion helps. Keep writing ~ Shinta

shintacandrade   
Sep 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares the percentage of Bulgarians categorized three sorts of education backgrounds [3]

As I have the information you mean, I upload the correct picture here.

Furthermore, my suggestion is that you should write the main body paragraphs by using words such as however, while, although, or so on to compare and to make contrasts any trends that exist in the data. Let me give a try for this part:

Next, two of the categories rose steadily in 2006, by higher education ...

However, the figures in the remaining two categories changed significantly. The overall percentage of people with primary or lower education showed a sharp rise from 18% in 2002 to 32% in 2008 despite the fact that this rose by 1% in 2006. In contrast, there was a considerable decrease in the percentage of people who had received higher education. Even though this figure increased slightly to a fifth in 2006, but then it fell very dramatically to 9% in 2008 (declined by more than half).

Hope this helps ~ Shinta




shintacandrade   
Sep 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Secondary education has been dominated among Bulgarians who wanted to live abroad in 2000s [4]

The graph chart reveals comparison three the percentage (1) of Bulgarian education who wanted to live in another country in 2002,2006, and 2008. Overall, it can be seen that the number (2) of secondary education has been in the top position which the most Bulgarian prefer to choose that.

1. This phrase is a bit vague since what you are comparing is not the three percentages, but the three levels of education of Bulgarians.
2. Again, 'number' or 'percentage'. Make it sure!
3. Similar with my previous suggestion, you may write two sentences for overview (if possible). Let me give a try:
The graph chart reveals the percentage of Bulgarians with different levels of education who wanted to live in another country over the period 2002 to 2008. Overall, while the proportion of people with higher education who planned to leave the country fell sharply, those with primary and lower one showed a significant rise. Meanwhile, this figure for people with secondary education remained the same and showed the highest percentage.


Hope this helps ~ Shinta.
shintacandrade   
Sep 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / The proportion of Bulgarian residents who chosen to live abroad at the level of 8 percent - IELTS [4]

The bar chart illustrates changes the number of emigration from Bulgaria aged 15 to 60 years old in 2001 and 2006. And is measured in percentage . At first glance, it is evidence that the number of people who have no intention to move or prefer to stay arehighest tan other categories.

1. Number and percentage are considered as a different measurement. Here, please read carefully the data whether it is measured in 'number' or 'percentage'.
2. For introductory paragraph, better you only write one sentence; for overview, you may write two sentences.
3. Make sure you use the correct tense. In this case, you should write in the past tense since the time frame shown is '2001 and 2006'.
4. Word formation errors and spelling issues: are highest tan > 'are higher than'
Here is my editing and please peruse the changes:
The bar chart illustrates what Bulgarians aged 15 to 60 intended to do in 2001 and 2006, and is measured in percentages. At first glance, it is evident that the percentage of people who had no intention to leave Bulgaria were far higher than those with other intentions.


Hope this helps you ~ Shinta
shintacandrade   
Sep 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / The comparison of world inhabitants divided by each continents between 1900 and 2000 [3]

Para 1. Please note the changes, only small errors but you have to be careful about it later on. Likewise, notice that you should show the units of measurement in the introduction and does not include any figures in the overview.

This pie chart illustrates the percentage of world inhabitants in different areas of the world between 1900 and 2000. Overall, it can be seen that most of the population increased sharply at almost fourfold more. In particular, this growth occurred predominantly in developing countries.

Para 2. I just did a little editing (relative clauses and transition words).
According to the data, there was a decrease in the number of people who lived in Asia and Europe continents. Asia witnessed a slight decrease by 6%, but this figure remained considerable higher than other regions, representing just over than a half over the last century. Meanwhile, Europe's percentage dropped significantly from 25% to 14%. North America and others, however, leveled off over the course of 100 years, at 5% and 3% respectively.

Para 3. Use past tense, make sure that you use accurate grammar.
Turning to a more detailed analysis from the graph reveals that from 1990 to 2000, African and Latin American citizens showed an increase nearly at the same number, 6% and 5% respectively. Finally, Middle East and North Africa which emerged as new regions in 2000 depicted 6% of the world population.

Hope this helps you, bayu.

shintacandrade   
Aug 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / Teachers are more influent than friends [3]

For introductory paragraph, you better put the thesis statement in the end. Let me give a try:

It is hard to say who have more important roles in students' lives (hook). While some people argue that students are influenced more by teachers than peers, others believe that the influence given by friends even more than teachers (background). In my opinion, both of them seem to influence significantly in students' behavior and personality, but at different phases which will be discussed below (thesis statement).

The conclusion then will be like this:

The aforementioned evidence shows that either teachers or friends affect some aspects of the students' life, and it seems to happen based on the level of education they are pursuing (rephrase thesis statement). This condition should be encouraged so as to develop students' positive qualities (final thought).

Hope this little feedback helps you..
shintacandrade   
Aug 24, 2015
Writing Feedback / Family and society must regulate and manage children's computers usage to avoid negative impact. [4]

Nowadays, majority of children use computers for amusement. Some of people consider that as one way to enjoy their children while the other try to avert them the negative effects of long hours using of this machine. I partially agree with speaker's opinion because that depends on how the family manipulates this issue.

This introduction needs a slight improvement. Here it is:
Computer plays a pivotal role in children's lives these days, and it brings a number of serious impacts. However, it seems rather excessive to say that dire consequences of using this machine in everyday life outweigh beneficial ones for kids. As such, I tend to disagree as the effects of computer in children will not always negative if they are under the proper supervision of their parents.


Then, the conclusion will be like this. I simply rephrase the introduction and add final thought on it:
In conclusion, it appears that spending day-to-day life in front of computer can be fairly useful for children, despite the possible risks. Therefore, it is imperative that parents and society should take the serious consequences into consideration.

Hope this little feedback helps you.

shintacandrade   
Aug 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Computer game destroys traditional game [3]

Your introduction is quite good, but it needs a slight improvement. As such, allow me to rewrite this part:
Technology has revolutionized the way people life today, including games which children play. They are more likely to play computer games, and therefore traditional ones do not appeal any more to them. More attractive applications available and exciting elements inside are probably two factors why it becomes popular among kids. However, too much time playing such games may lead to health problems.


Hope this little feedback helps you...
shintacandrade   
Aug 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / Students need enough time for adaptation in a new environment abroad [5]

As the world is changing [...]

Your introductory paragraph is very good, but I think it needs a little improvement. For this reason, I try to rewrite this:
As the world changes to be more open, international students are standing on the threshold. As such, many high school students are more likely to study overseas than ever before. While this is completely favorable since studying abroad seems to provide invaluable experience and excellent facilities, it is undeniable that students have to deal with some problems such as culture shock and uncomfortable food.


The aforementioned evidence examines that [...]

The concluding paragraph will then be like this:
The aforementioned evidence shows that study in a foreign nation is a great opportunity when it comes to life experience and services. However, cultural and diet differences can be tough challenges for international students. Therefore, it is imperative that students who intend to study abroad should prepare possible anomalies they might face in their destination country.


Hope this helps.
shintacandrade   
Aug 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / Why is physical education important? Should physical education classes be required or optional? [3]

My first impression on your writing is that it is too few words. If you write much less than the required word count, it will reduce your score.

Well, since this essay is expected to be written as academic writing, I suggest you to follow this model:
Introduction -- background + thesis statement
Body Para -- idea (topic sentence) + supporting sentences + conclusion
Conclusion -- restatement of thesis + summary of body para + final thought

*supporting sentences can be: example + discussion or a number of points to support your topic sentence


To my belief, physical education should be required due to its tremendous benefits.

Let me give a try for the introductory paragraph:
(background) Sport continues to be a controversial topic in the school curriculum, whether it should be a compulsory subject or not. (thesis statement) I would like to argue that by making sport to be an obligatory program, it could be extremely positive for students because of some following reasons.


First, it can improve your physical health and also your mental health. Thus it offers a wide range of skills which will become essential for their future work.
Physical education helps you maintain a good shape and a great vitality. It strengthens your muscle and enhance endurance. Furthermore , it also creates a good habit of taking exercise daily. This activity can even do good to students' mental health. It makes them feel happier and more interested in learning. If they are stressful after long, harsh hours in classroom then taking physical education will solve the problem. And it can be really amusing, relaxing for student to communicate with their classmates. Talking makes them fell better because it creates bonding between class members. Beside, sports such as soccer, basketballs,... results in teamwork skills and an iron will. This will support them later in their work and academic performances.

Make it to be two body paragraphs:
(topic sentence) One major benefit of sport is that it helps children's physical development at an important stage. (supporting sentence) It offers a wide range of physical skills which will become essential to prevent them become unfit. Furthermore, school sport also encourages students to take regular exercise which it provides excitement activities. This can be a good solution both physically and mentally from the boredom of learning theory at class. (conclusion) If all their time is spent only studying academic subjects such as maths and science without having sport activities, their minds would eventually suffer.

(topic sentence) Another reason why sport should be considered to be required program is that school sport emphasizes the importance of team building. (supporting sentence) It can be seen from sports such as soccer or basketball which is full of teamwork skills and competitive spirit. This is notable, for example, that many successful business people excelled in sport at school. (conclusion) As such, sport is so important today, even it will support students in their future work.


To sum up, the advantages of physical education are uncontroversial, because of that schools must require them.

To sum up, sport should be compulsory in school since it brings many positive effects on students' both mental and physical development. Where possible, school should maintain high standards of this physical education so as that students would not be reluctant to take part on it.

Anyway, it is better if you write the question completely so that the readers can give meaningful feedback for your writing.
Cheers!

shintacandrade   
Aug 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / Parents should care about their children's education - challenging point [4]

Hi Vahid,

I guess this essay is intended for ielts or toefl test. For that reason, I suggest you to write the question completely so that the readers can give meaningful feedback for your writing. It is quite difficult to comment an essay without knowing the prompt.

Cheers!

shintacandrade   
Aug 17, 2015
Scholarship / About whether someone sent to prison before should talk to students about the danger of crimes [5]

Many people believe that good residents who was sent to prison before are the most suitable people communicating with students about bad outcomes of crimes.Personally I tend to agree that.

The introduction needs a slight improvement. I suggest you to follow this model for introductory paragraph: building sentences(1) + a thesis statement(2).So let me give a try based on your idea:

(1)The fundamental aim of education is both to impart knowledge and to prepare students so as that they can be law-abiding citizens. Relating to the later, many believe that ex-prisoners are the best teachers to bring students staying away from criminal path. (2)Personally, while I totally agree with this statement since released prisoners will be able to share their experience in prison more lively and obvious, other alternatives should be taken into account.


Hope you can develop this paragraphs,
Body paragraph 1: On the one hand, students gain better understanding through direct conversations with those who have sent to prison before. Example. Discussion. Conclusion.
Body paragraph 2: Conversely, it sounds odd for people with a criminal record teaching the danger of crime in schools. Example. Discussion. Conclusion.


For the conclusion paragraph, simply restate your thesis(1) + summary body paragraphs(2) + final thought(3) . Here it is:
(1,2)The aforementioned evidence shows that some students may obtain a better grasp of crime from ex-prisoners, but it does not seem fully appropriate. (3)In this way, it is equally important that an active role of parents and supportive environments should be considered in combating juvenile delinquency.


Hope this helps.
shintacandrade   
Aug 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / Books are more significant than experience, but we can't live apart from it. [4]

Knowledge is multisource in our life. One of these sources are books the other source for Human beings is experience. It is clear that books are not the unique source of knowledge and recognition but they are the most important source.

Need a bit eye-catching statement to attract the readers. Let me give a try:
Humans' best companion in search of knowledge is perhaps books. By reading books, people will be able to broaden their horizons on many aspects. The most fundamental lessons in our real life, however, are sometimes cannot be learned without experiencing it. As such, it is clear that people cannot learn everything only from books, experience is equally important as a source of learning.

Hope this helps.
shintacandrade   
Aug 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Students prefer living in campus housing rather than living in off campus. Toefl essay [4]

1. For introductory, you need to write an eye-catching statement to attract the readers' attention. Let me give a try: University students often have a choice of places to live, whether in the university dormitories or community's apartments.

2. Spelling: personal (personnal), gine (give), which (wich), Consequently (Consequentely) ...
3. I suggest you to write the question completely since it will ease members in this forum giving meaningful feedback for your writing :)
4. Avoid repetitive words

Hope this helps...
shintacandrade   
Aug 5, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: The population of fishers and exported fish in the world [4]

Very good writing :)

Overall, it is immediately apparent that in thirty years the population of fishers increased in all regions, but a reverse were was experienced by South America and Africa. In this case, Asian countries witnessed the highest rise of world fish market in 2000, dominating the half of all listed countries.

In 1970, the highest number of world fishermen was living in Asia, and the figure showsshowed a significant rise, from 9 millions to 24 millions(*)

* When you are writing large numbers, do not add an 's' to the number: 9 million, NOT 9 millions . The plural form is only used to give an approximate idea: millions of people.

Hope this little feedback helps you.
Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Aug 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / Homework to write an essay about newspaper and teenager [4]

Hi Marwa,

Let me rewrite your intro:
In the 21st century, the era in which technology develops rapidly, a new problem floating on the surface is newspapers in print are neglected by young people (hook). As compared to the past where people only have access to printed newspapers, which provide only limited contents as well as certain time and places of distribution, people are now able to read news through the internet at whenever and wherever they want (building sentence). In my point of view, therefore, the shifting towards the online news happens because young readers can derive more gratification of its faster news and interactive space (thesis statement).

For body paragraphs, I suggest you to use this structure: topic sentences (online news serves fast news)+ supporting sentences (examples or evidence relating to the topic)+ concluding sentences (final thought of the topic based on the prior evidence).

Hope this helps.
shintacandrade   
Jul 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / Some people are feeling unsecured either when they are at home or outside [3]

Hi tinytinisea, welcome to EssayForum :)

I have some corrections for your writing.
1. It is better if you write the question completely so that the readers can provide meaningful feedback for your essay.

2. Articles 'a' and 'an'
- aan abductor > the article 'a' is followed by consonant sounds: a teacher, a car, a university (a yuniversity), etc
- aan electronic gun > the article 'an' is followed by vowel sounds: an actor, an invitation, an hour (an auer),etc.

3. There are two main reasons for this problem

First of all , crimes are committed widely and openly. [...] This reason undoubtedly increases the feeling of being unsecured.

I only find one idea or one reason in this paragraph (in blue) : crimes. Unemployment, it cannot be your another (second) reason as it explain 'crimes'. So, I suggest you to rewrite this part in order to be logical since your essay will be assessed for its coherence.

4. Faulty parallelism

either when they are at home or outside

This element should be in the same grammatical form: when they are eitherat homeorat an outside location .

Hope this helps. Cheers
shintacandrade   
Jul 12, 2015
Essays / How to start - Media promote healthy eating and exercising [3]

Hi Plawansai,

I want to share my experience about how start an IELTS essay.
1. Read carefully the question, see exactly what you are being asked to do >> Agree / Disagree

2. Follow this basic structure (IELTSbuddy),
Introduction:
a. State the topic of the essay, using some basic facts (that you may be able to take from the question)
b. Say what you are going to write about

Body Paragraphs:
a. For an IELTS essay, you should have 2 or 3 body paragraphs - no more, and no less.
b. Each paragraph should contain one controlling idea, and have sentences to support this > idea, explanation, example

Conclusion:
a. You only need one or two sentences
b. Re-state what the essay is about and give some thoughts about the future (recommendations, opinions, fears, hopes, etc)


3. Read as many as writing sample answers.

Hope this helps. Good luck!
shintacandrade   
Jul 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Parents and schools responsible? [3]

Hi Ha Hoang,

1. Please write the question completely so that readers enable providing meaningful feedback for your writing.

2. It is better if you give a space among each paragraph because your layout is important when you write an academic writing. Paragraphing also helps readers to understand your ideas easily.

3. Well, my first impression is that your essay could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. Remember, your score may be reduced if you write less.

Keep writing. Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jul 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Newcomers Dealing with The New Place [4]

Hello Vania,

1. Well, my first suggestion is that you should write the question so that readers enable providing meaningful feedback for your writing.

3. Grammar mistakes
- Every placesplace in this world has
- but this little thingsthing certainly
- Annual events isAnnual events are or The annual event is

4. Spelling issues
- I will give some sugestionssuggestions what should
- Sometimes, there are dictionaries avalaibleavailable to provide

5. Avoid to use contractions in an academic writing. Please write the full words.
- people don'tdo not have any idea about it

Hope this helps. Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jul 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary [2]

Hi Kay Jay,

1. This is a good writing, but it seems to me that your essay could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. Remember, your score may be reduced if you write less.

2. You need a strong 'thesis statement' in your introduction, and it should be answer the question.

Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

However, there are some pros and cops by doing this.

The question asks you about 'advantages-disadvantages', but your thesis statement is 'pros-cons'. In my opinion, this is out of topic. So, make sure you understand the question then brainstorming and planning first before writing.

Hope this helps you to get a high score :)
Cheers!
shintacandrade   
Jul 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : SURVEY SHOPPING CENTER [2]

Hi Asep,
Your writing is good, but I have some corrections which may help you.

1. Well, you need to upload the graph so that the readers can providing meaningful feedback for your writing.

2. Be careful of using synonyms. "new" and "novel" have the same or nearly the same meaning, but used to give different meanings.

A comparison regarding the result of a survey of novel shopping places in Auckland,

I do not think that "new" here can be replaced by "novel" as novel is used with these nouns: approach, concept, context, feature, finding, idea, insight, method, phenomenon, situation, type (© Oxford University Press, 2009).

3. I suggest you to write "males" and "females", or "men" and "women" (the plural form).

4.

the proportion of male experiences lower than female in dissatisfied in restaurant,

Allow me to rewrite it: males express less dissatisfied than females with the restaurants

5.

It also can be seen that the design shows satisfied as the higher percentage.

Who is satisfied? the design or the shoppers (females-males)?. You may want to write something like: It also can be seen that the majority of both sexes are pleased with the new design.

6.

the figures of people who feel satisfied on the design of the restaurant and shops centreshopping complex are higher than others, representing over three-fifths of all shoppers. The percentage shows 62 percent of people.

7.

In this case, the proportion of male and female have an equal number (20 percent) in shopping area and in restaurant, the percentage of female shows higher than male which is at 21 percent.

This sentence is bit confusing. I come up with another idea of it: Equal numbers (20 percent) of both sexes show they are unhappy with the shops. Meanwhile, only one in twenty of males are displeased with the restaurants compared to just over a fifth of females.

Good luck. Cheers!

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