Writing Feedback / Tourists can bring demerits to the visited country. Yet, tourism business can contribute financially [2]


In this case, you are being asked 2 QUESTIONS but unfortunately your thesis statement did not successfully answer it. Lets look at this in your introductory paragraph.


If you can see, you only provide a partial answer:
1. How true is this statement? >> ? (I cannot find this answer in your thesis)
2. What can tourists do to reduce the harmful effects of tourism on local cultures and environments? >> However, this essay will explain about these effects and what tourists can do to tackle the problem.

This is a common mistake that candidates miss a point they are being asked to discuss. I am afraid you may get a low band score if you do not answer all parts of the question. But do not worry, what you need is look at the question very carefully and plan your answer afterwards!

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, a large number of young people have the way of living which is unhealthy. [4]

1.


Concise writing is always better. This sentence contains unnecessary words, so please be careful with wording. This is my revision:
Some people believe that schools and parents have responsibility in addressing this issue.
In my point of view, such a revised sentence seems more effective to deliver the meaning of writing.

2. Your thesis statement successfully answered the prompt. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK1 : UNHEALTY LIFESTYLE OF CHILDREN [3]

Based on the prompt, you are being asked 'to what extent do you agree with the statement saying that both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem'. As such, you need to discuss:

1. Role of schools and parents
2. Anyone else who are responsible tacking this problem

In this case, you are expected to provide a counter-argument (present the other person's role to solve this issue). If you only raise this issue for schools and parents, I am afraid that you will get a low band score since you do not fully answer the question.

Here is my editing:
Children living condition in this modern era is more likely to be unhealthy. Many people believe that schools and parents have responsibility to take action in addressing this issue. While I assertively agree with this idea, I also believe that government and media should be taken into account when it comes to tackling such children's unhealthy lifestyles.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Parents and Schools are responsible for children's unhealty lifestyle [2]

1. Well, when I read this hook and compare it to the question, it seems that this sentence tends to out of topic. I know that you are trying to paraphrase the words from the question, but please make sure that the meaning are still in the same tone. My alternative for this hook is like this:

The way children live in this modern era is more likely to be unhealthy.
2. I have to say that your thesis statement did not successfully answer the question.
To what extend do you agree with this statement? >> Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.

If you, let say, 100% agree with this statement, it means that ONLY schools and parents who are responsible for solving this issue. No one else is responsible. On the other hand, you can say you agree that schools and parents are responsible tackling this problem, but there is possibility that anyone else is also responsible, for example, governments or media. This kind of statement should be provided in your thesis. Let me give a try (totally agree):

Many believe that schools and parents have responsibility in addressing this growing problem. I totally agree with this statement since children spend most their time in both educational institutes and homes in which this situation influences children's lifestyles.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The percentage of issues which people have when they stay in a new country [3]


Here are my suggestions:
1. Tense: use present simple since the graph has no date.
2. Terms in the graph: do not change the terms that are already provided in the graph. For example, you use the term 'forming fellowship' for the term 'making friends'. The thing is that it changes the tone or impression of the report, and the more dangerous one is when the meaning changes. So, I recommend you to keep the original terms as written in the graph.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK1: Integritation problems according to people's ages who living abroad. [4]


For introductory sentence, use the present simple to say what the graph shows.



1. I recommend to put the overview at the beginning because if you run out of time and do not have an overview at the end, then you will lose mark for your task response. In this case, you will not able to reach a band 6 or higher.

2. Avoid to use 'I' in writing task 1. You should never talk about the background to the situation or try to give reasons for it.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : the proportion of changes in students graduated from universities in Canadian [2]


1. Do you want to use an appositive for this phrase? There are many ways to use the appositive correctly. One of them is when the appositive interrupts the sentence, put commas after and before the phrase. Therefore, it should look like this: ... from 2001 to 2006, a 5-year period,is... (see the way I put commas)

2. Hasdi, I found that you have a subject-verb agreement problem. This problem usually appears when it comes to complex sentences which contain compound subjects or long noun phrases. Please pay attention to recognize and fix this problem. Better you check your grammar before uploading your essay

... the percentage of ... was higher ...
...graduateswere dominated ...
3. Another problem is the term student graduates . 'student' means you are still learning at a university while 'graduate' means you have passed the university's process and get a degree. In my opinion, those are different terms you cannot join. May be the best term to replace this is 'university graduates'.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / A comparison of the proportion change in the overseas students' number in 8 Canadian provinces [2]


1. Irham, I know that you are trying to paraphrase the words from the question. However, not all words need to be changed. Paraphrasing does not mean that you rephrase all the words. Keep the original terms from the supplied information in the question is also important when it comes to certain words. In this case, I think that the word of 'university' does not need to be converted into 'third-level educations' since it is more likely to change the tone of the whole report.

2. Do you want to use an appositive for this phrase? There are many ways to use the appositive correctly. One of them is when the appositive interrupts the sentence, put commas after and before the phrase. Therefore, it should look like this: ... from 2001 to 2006, a 5-year period,is... (see the way I put commas)

3. Need a bit improvement on the overview. It is always good to write a 2-sentence overview. Let me give a try:
Overall, all universities in the provinces of Canada showed an upward trend in the percentage of international graduates, with the exception of Alberta. Interestingly, while there was a significant growth of this in British Columbia, New Brunswick remained the highest rate between 2001 and 2006.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / The number of overseas pupils graduated from universities in several Canadian provinces from 2001-6 [3]


1. The proportion OR the number? it is a different equation, so make sure the units of measurement you use.
2. As far as I am concerned, and it is based on Cambridge dictionary, the term of 'pupil' means a person, especially a child at school, who is being taught. If what you mean here is a person who is learning at university, better you write it as 'student'. Be careful of using synonym, this is a major mistake lots of beginner do. Do not use them if you are not sure of their usage since they may give a very different impression and meaning if used inappropriately. To deal with this issue, I suggest you to check the word in a thesaurus book or dictionary before uploading your essay so as that you know how to use the word.

3. Do you want to use an appositive for this phrase? There are many ways to use the appositive correctly. One of them is when the appositive interrupts the sentence, put commas after and before the phrase. Therefore, it should look like this: ... from 2001 to 2006,a 5-year period,is... (see the way I put commas)

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - the funding and spending activities of USA charity in a year [2]


Better you write the units of measurement in the introductory paragraph. Let me give a try:
The pie charts compare the percentage of revenue and expenses over a year of charity in the USA.


Here, I add some words to make your writing clear. Since you have written 'the first chart' in the beginning, I do so by adding 'the second chart' for comparing the data you want to describe. This is my alternative overview:

Overall, it can be seen that donated food accounted for the highest revenue while program services calculated as the most expense. Furthermore, total revenue sources are adequate to cover the expenditures in one year.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / The Best Eco-Friendly Form of Mode Transportation [2]

Hi Fadli,

The table shows the percentage of employee (1) which is going to work by four shapes of mode transportation in Houston, Texas; and (2) the line chart experiences the amount of CO2 which is resulted as its residual gas and it is measured by kilogram per person per kilometer.

1. 'employee' is categorized as a countable noun. Here, you have some options to write this correctly: an employee OR employees. The usage of articles is a bit tricky, but what you should remember is every singular, countable noun in English must have an article or a determiner. In contrary, plurals can go without that one.

2. As you did in this essay, 'semicolon' is used to connect two independent clauses. If you have a semicolon, do not use it with conjunctions fanboys (for, and, but, or, yet, so).

Let me try to rewrite this:
The table shows the percentage of employees commuting to work and their average age in Houston, Texas; the bar chart gives the information about how much emission from each category of transport used.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II: The purpose of business is to make money [3]

Hi Juang, these are my little comments :)

people shall only stick with it

...stick to it...
For this context, stick collocates with to since stick to means that if you stick to a law, rule or promise, you obey it or do what it states (Cambridge dictionary)

even money is important, but innovation is the king

I actually wonder with this sentence, but I think what you mean is this: even tough money is important, innovation is the king .

I disagree with such claim because I think that innovation

I disagree with such a claim since innovation

The aforementioned argument revels that although money is crucial for business, the other factors, such as innovation and people, cannot be disregarded.

For the concluding paragraph, it is suggested that after restating your thesis, better you end it with a final thought.

~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS - The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this [3]

Since vangiespen's feedback has helped you a lot to improve your writing, I just want to give you a few more suggestions. Here it is:

Your hook:

Having a concern is one of everyone's dreams.

Your thesis:

Further, I strongly believe that a business person will disagree if money is the main basis.

To me, your hook is too broad. As per the rule of academic writing, an effective hook is often based on the general topic or theme of the thesis. For this reason, what you need here is to create a more specific, appropriate hook.

Cheers! ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / It is impossible to avoid fundamental factor of business - making money [2]

Bigger company earns more profit.

Better you write using a correlative comparative for this sentence (the X-er . . . the X-er): The better the company is, the larger profits they earn.
As you can see, each part is syntactically alike, and a comma separates the two clauses.

Thanks to that statement, entrepreneur believes the main goal of business is to earn money.

Here, you are making an overgeneralization. The term of 'overgeneralization' means where the writer makes a claim about all members of a group, but it is only true for some members. As per academic writing, this is inaccurate and will weaken your argument because these following reasons:

1. Readers can easily doubt what you are saying,
2. They may even think that you do not understand your topic

Thus, this is my editing:
For this reason, many entrepreneurs believe that making money must be the most important thing for any business.
I just did a little editing and added 'many'. Now, you can feel it which one is more accurate. It is sometimes hard to explain actually, but you will get a sense of it if you read a lot.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Relationships at work (with supervisor and co-workers) [5]

Let me add a few more suggestions, hope this helps :)

To begin, the number of workers whose had very good connection marked increase from 61% to two-thirds over the following years.

1. workers who (whose refers to belonging)
2. a very good connection marked an increase (absence of articles)

While the employees who do not answer the survey disappear in 2009, and in the same time poor relationship leveled off solely at two percent.

You do not need to put a conjunction 'and' in this sentence. Simply use this formula: While SV, SV. OR SV while SV. So, better you write something like this: While the employees who did not answer the survey disappeared in 2009, poor relationships leveled off solely at two percent.

Good luck ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / 'numerous plus points' - Undesirable consequences of an electronic media? (IELTS Task II) [4]

Your thesis statement:

In my opinion, I believe that its interposition has a valuable aspect for people's connection in general.

Your body paragraphs:
1.

To begin, people ... has a negative effect , may claim that they tend to become selfish beings.

2.

Although the change ... , I think that it has positive qualities that people has to consider.

Your conclusion:

... even though the electronic media may cause undesirable consequence , I believe that it has numerous plus points ...

Your essay is fairly clear; however, your thesis statement seems inconsistent as I pointed out above. First, you say 'disagree' meaning that both your body para should discuss about 'positive effects'. Unfortunately, you do not write it successfully since your body paragraphs show 'negative effects' (body 1) and 'positive effects' (body 2). A similar inconsistent is also found in your conclusion. Remember that everything in your essay should support your thesis . What you need here is therefore revise your thesis so that it is consistent with the body and conclusion, and so that it will guide your readers rather than confuse them.

Here is my editing to make it becomes consistent:
There has been a shift in the way people communicate since the invention of electronic media. Most of them tend to prefer mediated communication rather than face-to-face interaction. Although it is true that media electronic causes problems on people's relationships, I am basically convinced it has more positive aspects in people's communication styles.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / Negative effect of electronic media on personal relationship - ielts task 2 [3]

The question: The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people

Conclusion:

The aforementioned evidence reveals that digital media have merit and demerit consequences. However, the advantages of that digital media are inevitable. It is clearly seen greater than the detrimental effect. Where possible act more responsibly when you use that technology.

I know that you have tried to paraphrase some words from the question. However, an important step in the process of paraphrasing is to identify any shared language. The term of "shared language" refers to words or phrases in the original source that should remain the same, such as:

1. Proper nouns (President Jokowi, Indonesia, English Studio, ...)
2. Common nouns (police, zebra, chair, ...)
3. Dates and figures (July, 2015, 18%, ...)p
4. Specialized language (blood pressure, enalty kick, ...) >> electronic media is categorized here

It is therefore unnecessary to changed "electronic media" to be "digital media". So, be careful of using synonyms. If you are not sure of their usage do not use them since they may give a very different meaning if used inappropriately.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / These days, in this technology era, it is easier than before to maintain a healthy lifestyle [4]

Overall, this is actually a good essay. However, in my opinion, two provided reasons concerning to the question why modern people are easy to have an unhealthy lifestyle are weak and difficult to understand. You need to explain clearly what you mean about 'chemical substances in both agriculture and diet'. In this case, you need something more concrete and specific. I find a good site you can use to develop your essay (regenerate-wellness/unhealthylifestyle.html).

Although I notice that your writing is pretty convoluted, I can say that your third paragraph does not have any serious problem. Here, what you need to do is practice more and more.

Hope this little suggestion helps. Keep writing ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares the percentage of Bulgarians categorized three sorts of education backgrounds [3]

As I have the information you mean, I upload the correct picture here.

Furthermore, my suggestion is that you should write the main body paragraphs by using words such as however, while, although, or so on to compare and to make contrasts any trends that exist in the data. Let me give a try for this part:


However, the figures in the remaining two categories changed significantly. The overall percentage of people with primary or lower education showed a sharp rise from 18% in 2002 to 32% in 2008 despite the fact that this rose by 1% in 2006. In contrast, there was a considerable decrease in the percentage of people who had received higher education. Even though this figure increased slightly to a fifth in 2006, but then it fell very dramatically to 9% in 2008 (declined by more than half).

Hope this helps ~ Shinta

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Writing Feedback / Secondary education has been dominated among Bulgarians who wanted to live abroad in 2000s [4]


1. This phrase is a bit vague since what you are comparing is not the three percentages, but the three levels of education of Bulgarians.
2. Again, 'number' or 'percentage'. Make it sure!
3. Similar with my previous suggestion, you may write two sentences for overview (if possible). Let me give a try:
The graph chart reveals the percentage of Bulgarians with different levels of education who wanted to live in another country over the period 2002 to 2008. Overall, while the proportion of people with higher education who planned to leave the country fell sharply, those with primary and lower one showed a significant rise. Meanwhile, this figure for people with secondary education remained the same and showed the highest percentage.

Hope this helps ~ Shinta.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of Bulgarian residents who chosen to live abroad at the level of 8 percent - IELTS [4]


1. Number and percentage are considered as a different measurement. Here, please read carefully the data whether it is measured in 'number' or 'percentage'.
2. For introductory paragraph, better you only write one sentence; for overview, you may write two sentences.
3. Make sure you use the correct tense. In this case, you should write in the past tense since the time frame shown is '2001 and 2006'.
4. Word formation errors and spelling issues: are highest tan > 'are higher than'
Here is my editing and please peruse the changes:
The bar chart illustrates what Bulgarians aged 15 to 60 intended to do in 2001 and 2006, and is measured in percentages. At first glance, it is evident that the percentage of people who had no intention to leave Bulgaria were far higher than those with other intentions.

Hope this helps you ~ Shinta

Writing Feedback / The comparison of world inhabitants divided by each continents between 1900 and 2000 [3]

Para 1. Please note the changes, only small errors but you have to be careful about it later on. Likewise, notice that you should show the units of measurement in the introduction and does not include any figures in the overview.

This pie chart illustrates the percentage of world inhabitants in different areas of the world between 1900 and 2000. Overall, it can be seen that most of the population increased sharply at almost fourfold more. In particular, this growth occurred predominantly in developing countries.

Para 2. I just did a little editing (relative clauses and transition words).
According to the data, there was a decrease in the number of people who lived in Asia and Europe continents. Asia witnessed a slight decrease by 6%, but this figure remained considerable higher than other regions, representing just over than a half over the last century. Meanwhile, Europe's percentage dropped significantly from 25% to 14%. North America and others, however, leveled off over the course of 100 years, at 5% and 3% respectively.

Para 3. Use past tense, make sure that you use accurate grammar.
Turning to a more detailed analysis from the graph reveals that from 1990 to 2000, African and Latin American citizens showed an increase nearly at the same number, 6% and 5% respectively. Finally, Middle East and North Africa which emerged as new regions in 2000 depicted 6% of the world population.

Hope this helps you, bayu.

Writing Feedback / Teachers are more influent than friends [3]

For introductory paragraph, you better put the thesis statement in the end. Let me give a try:

It is hard to say who have more important roles in students' lives (hook). While some people argue that students are influenced more by teachers than peers, others believe that the influence given by friends even more than teachers (background). In my opinion, both of them seem to influence significantly in students' behavior and personality, but at different phases which will be discussed below (thesis statement).

The conclusion then will be like this:

The aforementioned evidence shows that either teachers or friends affect some aspects of the students' life, and it seems to happen based on the level of education they are pursuing (rephrase thesis statement). This condition should be encouraged so as to develop students' positive qualities (final thought).

Hope this little feedback helps you..

Writing Feedback / Why is physical education important? Should physical education classes be required or optional? [3]

My first impression on your writing is that it is too few words. If you write much less than the required word count, it will reduce your score.

Well, since this essay is expected to be written as academic writing, I suggest you to follow this model:
Introduction -- background + thesis statement
Body Para -- idea (topic sentence) + supporting sentences + conclusion
Conclusion -- restatement of thesis + summary of body para + final thought
*supporting sentences can be: example + discussion or a number of points to support your topic sentence


Let me give a try for the introductory paragraph:
(background) Sport continues to be a controversial topic in the school curriculum, whether it should be a compulsory subject or not. (thesis statement) I would like to argue that by making sport to be an obligatory program, it could be extremely positive for students because of some following reasons.


Make it to be two body paragraphs:
(topic sentence) One major benefit of sport is that it helps children's physical development at an important stage. (supporting sentence) It offers a wide range of physical skills which will become essential to prevent them become unfit. Furthermore, school sport also encourages students to take regular exercise which it provides excitement activities. This can be a good solution both physically and mentally from the boredom of learning theory at class. (conclusion) If all their time is spent only studying academic subjects such as maths and science without having sport activities, their minds would eventually suffer.

(topic sentence) Another reason why sport should be considered to be required program is that school sport emphasizes the importance of team building. (supporting sentence) It can be seen from sports such as soccer or basketball which is full of teamwork skills and competitive spirit. This is notable, for example, that many successful business people excelled in sport at school. (conclusion) As such, sport is so important today, even it will support students in their future work.


To sum up, sport should be compulsory in school since it brings many positive effects on students' both mental and physical development. Where possible, school should maintain high standards of this physical education so as that students would not be reluctant to take part on it.

Anyway, it is better if you write the question completely so that the readers can give meaningful feedback for your writing.
Cheers!

Writing Feedback / Parents should care about their children's education - challenging point [4]

Hi Vahid,

I guess this essay is intended for ielts or toefl test. For that reason, I suggest you to write the question completely so that the readers can give meaningful feedback for your writing. It is quite difficult to comment an essay without knowing the prompt.

Cheers!

Scholarship / About whether someone sent to prison before should talk to students about the danger of crimes [5]


The introduction needs a slight improvement. I suggest you to follow this model for introductory paragraph: building sentences(1) + a thesis statement(2).So let me give a try based on your idea:

(1)The fundamental aim of education is both to impart knowledge and to prepare students so as that they can be law-abiding citizens. Relating to the later, many believe that ex-prisoners are the best teachers to bring students staying away from criminal path. (2)Personally, while I totally agree with this statement since released prisoners will be able to share their experience in prison more lively and obvious, other alternatives should be taken into account.

Hope you can develop this paragraphs,
Body paragraph 1: On the one hand, students gain better understanding through direct conversations with those who have sent to prison before. Example. Discussion. Conclusion.
Body paragraph 2: Conversely, it sounds odd for people with a criminal record teaching the danger of crime in schools. Example. Discussion. Conclusion.

For the conclusion paragraph, simply restate your thesis(1) + summary body paragraphs(2) + final thought(3) . Here it is:
(1,2)The aforementioned evidence shows that some students may obtain a better grasp of crime from ex-prisoners, but it does not seem fully appropriate. (3)In this way, it is equally important that an active role of parents and supportive environments should be considered in combating juvenile delinquency.

Hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / Books are more significant than experience, but we can't live apart from it. [4]


Need a bit eye-catching statement to attract the readers. Let me give a try:
Humans' best companion in search of knowledge is perhaps books. By reading books, people will be able to broaden their horizons on many aspects. The most fundamental lessons in our real life, however, are sometimes cannot be learned without experiencing it. As such, it is clear that people cannot learn everything only from books, experience is equally important as a source of learning.

Hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / Students prefer living in campus housing rather than living in off campus. Toefl essay [4]

1. For introductory, you need to write an eye-catching statement to attract the readers' attention. Let me give a try: University students often have a choice of places to live, whether in the university dormitories or community's apartments.

2. Spelling: personal (personnal), gine (give), which (wich), Consequently (Consequentely) ...
3. I suggest you to write the question completely since it will ease members in this forum giving meaningful feedback for your writing :)
4. Avoid repetitive words

Hope this helps...

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: The population of fishers and exported fish in the world [4]

Very good writing :)

Overall, it is immediately apparent that in thirty years the population of fishers increased in all regions, but a reverse were was experienced by South America and Africa. In this case, Asian countries witnessed the highest rise of world fish market in 2000, dominating the half of all listed countries.

In 1970, the highest number of world fishermen was living in Asia, and the figure showsshowed a significant rise, from 9 millions to 24 millions(*)

* When you are writing large numbers, do not add an 's' to the number: 9 million, NOT 9 millions . The plural form is only used to give an approximate idea: millions of people.

Hope this little feedback helps you.
Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Homework to write an essay about newspaper and teenager [4]

Hi Marwa,

Let me rewrite your intro:
In the 21st century, the era in which technology develops rapidly, a new problem floating on the surface is newspapers in print are neglected by young people (hook). As compared to the past where people only have access to printed newspapers, which provide only limited contents as well as certain time and places of distribution, people are now able to read news through the internet at whenever and wherever they want (building sentence). In my point of view, therefore, the shifting towards the online news happens because young readers can derive more gratification of its faster news and interactive space (thesis statement).

For body paragraphs, I suggest you to use this structure: topic sentences (online news serves fast news)+ supporting sentences (examples or evidence relating to the topic)+ concluding sentences (final thought of the topic based on the prior evidence).

Hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / Some people are feeling unsecured either when they are at home or outside [3]

Hi tinytinisea, welcome to EssayForum :)

I have some corrections for your writing.
1. It is better if you write the question completely so that the readers can provide meaningful feedback for your essay.

2. Articles 'a' and 'an'
- aan abductor > the article 'a' is followed by consonant sounds: a teacher, a car, a university (a yuniversity), etc
- aan electronic gun > the article 'an' is followed by vowel sounds: an actor, an invitation, an hour (an auer),etc.

3. There are two main reasons for this problem


I only find one idea or one reason in this paragraph (in blue) : crimes. Unemployment, it cannot be your another (second) reason as it explain 'crimes'. So, I suggest you to rewrite this part in order to be logical since your essay will be assessed for its coherence.

4. Faulty parallelism


This element should be in the same grammatical form: when they are eitherat homeorat an outside location .

Hope this helps. Cheers

Essays / How to start - Media promote healthy eating and exercising [3]

Hi Plawansai,

I want to share my experience about how start an IELTS essay.
1. Read carefully the question, see exactly what you are being asked to do >> Agree / Disagree

2. Follow this basic structure (IELTSbuddy),
Introduction:
a. State the topic of the essay, using some basic facts (that you may be able to take from the question)
b. Say what you are going to write about
Body Paragraphs:
a. For an IELTS essay, you should have 2 or 3 body paragraphs - no more, and no less.
b. Each paragraph should contain one controlling idea, and have sentences to support this > idea, explanation, example
Conclusion:
a. You only need one or two sentences
b. Re-state what the essay is about and give some thoughts about the future (recommendations, opinions, fears, hopes, etc)

3. Read as many as writing sample answers.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Parents and schools responsible? [3]

Hi Ha Hoang,

1. Please write the question completely so that readers enable providing meaningful feedback for your writing.

2. It is better if you give a space among each paragraph because your layout is important when you write an academic writing. Paragraphing also helps readers to understand your ideas easily.

3. Well, my first impression is that your essay could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. Remember, your score may be reduced if you write less.

Keep writing. Cheers!

Writing Feedback / Newcomers Dealing with The New Place [4]

Hello Vania,

1. Well, my first suggestion is that you should write the question so that readers enable providing meaningful feedback for your writing.

3. Grammar mistakes
- Every placesplace in this world has
- but this little thingsthing certainly
- Annual events isAnnual events are or The annual event is

4. Spelling issues
- I will give some sugestionssuggestions what should
- Sometimes, there are dictionaries avalaibleavailable to provide

5. Avoid to use contractions in an academic writing. Please write the full words.
- people don'tdo not have any idea about it

Hope this helps. Cheers!

Writing Feedback / Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary [2]

Hi Kay Jay,

1. This is a good writing, but it seems to me that your essay could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. Remember, your score may be reduced if you write less.

2. You need a strong 'thesis statement' in your introduction, and it should be answer the question.



The question asks you about 'advantages-disadvantages', but your thesis statement is 'pros-cons'. In my opinion, this is out of topic. So, make sure you understand the question then brainstorming and planning first before writing.

Hope this helps you to get a high score :)
Cheers!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : SURVEY SHOPPING CENTER [2]

Hi Asep,
Your writing is good, but I have some corrections which may help you.

1. Well, you need to upload the graph so that the readers can providing meaningful feedback for your writing.

2. Be careful of using synonyms. "new" and "novel" have the same or nearly the same meaning, but used to give different meanings.


I do not think that "new" here can be replaced by "novel" as novel is used with these nouns: approach, concept, context, feature, finding, idea, insight, method, phenomenon, situation, type (© Oxford University Press, 2009).

3. I suggest you to write "males" and "females", or "men" and "women" (the plural form).

4.


Allow me to rewrite it: males express less dissatisfied than females with the restaurants

5.


Who is satisfied? the design or the shoppers (females-males)?. You may want to write something like: It also can be seen that the majority of both sexes are pleased with the new design.

6.


7.


This sentence is bit confusing. I come up with another idea of it: Equal numbers (20 percent) of both sexes show they are unhappy with the shops. Meanwhile, only one in twenty of males are displeased with the restaurants compared to just over a fifth of females.

Good luck. Cheers!

Writing Feedback / "Is having too many choices a problem?" SAT Essay May 2015 [3]

Hi Dawn01,

I like the way you introduce your idea. You only need stronger reasons for your thesis statement. Anyway, do not write a long sentence with many punctuation marks if you are not very sure of their usage.


Allow me to rewrite it:
In the human maze, one can face plenty of choices. During his survival, however, only one choice would be suitable to solve the life's enigma and eventually achieve success as well as happiness. Furthermore, an overwhelming number of choices often makes people feeling paralyzed, and it causes many problems. Hence, I firmly believe that we should not have too many options.

Another thing is that I recommend you to write a five-paragraph structure with 2 supporting arguments and one against (It is better if you have both sides of the argument in your essay).

Body 1 and 2: supporting argument
Body 3: opposing argument
However, if you do not have any idea to show an opposing argument, you can write using a four-paragraph structure with only 2 supporting arguments.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: teens admire watching famous sports stars play and make them as their heroes [4]

Hi Hanan,

Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people, while others believe they do not.
Discuss both these points of views and give your own opinion.

1. Write the question completely. It will make the readers easier providing feedback in your essay :)
2. Punctuation marks: all the periods and commas. Punctuation rules in English are quite tricky (I am still learning it now), but these are little notes that make a huge difference in an article.

3.


Your overall ideas are good, but your essay needs a more effective start which has a better relevance to your topic. This is important to impress your reader (the examiner in particular). I recommend you to write something like: Professional athletes often inspire many young people.

4.


It is better if you write your topic sentence straight to the point and make it stronger: Professional sport players are able to show their talented plays and stimulate youngsters to do so.

5.


- Avoid to start a sentence or a new paragraph using also, it sounds informal. You can use the formal forms: In addition, Another reason, Furthermore etc.

- Well, I suggest you to rewrite your topic sentence. Let me give a try: In addition, many sport players always keep fit so that they have an athletic body shapes in which motivate young people imitating their healthy lifestyles.

6.


There are three things you need to do in your conclusion:
- use a transition to show it is the conclusion: In conclusion, To sum up, To conclude, etc.
- restate your thesis statement (the final sentence of your introduction) in different words
- give some personal opinions, or your hopes, fears, recommendations about the topic

Hope this helps.
Cheers!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: are advantages of international exchange programs more than disadvantages? [2]

Hi Miro Cai,
It is a good essay since you have shown both sides of the argument. However, I have some corrections which may help you.

Well, these are your topic sentences:

Body 1: ... of joining an international exchange programs for studentsyoungsters .
Body 2: ... students is that it would be ...
Body 3: ... also have some negative aspects.(need stronger argument)

In writing introduction, you just need to do two things:
1. Give some background to the topic (this is usually taken or paraphrased from the question)
2. Tell the reader what will be in your essay (thesis statement + summarizing of your topic sentences or main points)


Without a good thesis statement and topic sentences that answer the question, your argument could collapse. Remember that although most marks on the IELTS do not come from the introduction, you need to write a good introduction in order to have a coherent essay. So, allow me to rewrite it:

Programs of international exchange among teenage students have become increasingly popular these days. Many educationalists claim the benefits of such programs outweigh the drawbacks (background) . Personally, I agree (thesis statement) that these international exchange programs are undoubtedly useful in shaping knowledge, experience as well as soft skills even though it is costly and far away from home (main points in which you will explain it in body para) .

Your body paragraphs are well done, but I recommend you to rewrite the body para 3 like your previous ones: thesis statement, explanation and then example.


Then, your conclusion is mainly restate your thesis statement plus main points. It is better if you give your personal opinion/recommendation here.
In conclusion, although students joining international exchange programs feel isolated at times and may spend great expense, they are able to broaden their horizon and enhance their personality better. As such, it is imperative that these programs should be supported by alleviating its constraints less severe.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Grading on exam or grading on participation? [4]

Hi Buj,

1. Well, my first suggestion is that you should write down not only the answer, but also the question. By doing so, it will enable us providing meaningful feedback for your writing.

2. I know this is only for trial, but it would be nicer if you consider paragraphing, capitalization and spelling issues so that we (readers) can easily read your work.

3. For a TOEFL exam, it seems to me that your essay could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. So, be careful with this matter.

4. I recommend you to use a five-paragraph structure with 2 supporting arguments and one against (you need to show both sides of the argument in your essay so as to obtain a high mark).

Introduction: introduce your topic, state your position (thesis statement) and mention main ideas of 3 body para
Body para 1, 2, 3: reason + explanation + example (4-5 sentences each para)
Conclusion: rephrase your thesis statement
However, if you do not have any idea to show an opposing argument, you can write using a four-paragraph structure with only 2 supporting arguments.

Keep writing. I hope this helps you.
Good luck Buj!