Research Papers / Research Critique- I have to read an article and Critique it but I am not sure how to start [5]

I think the main problem with the critique is the lack of information about the dengue fever? What is the nature if this factor? How can you compare the symptoms, and possibly sort it out?

at the same time dengue fever was active...

If this info can't be derived from the article, then you should mention that it is not complete.

reports in the number of newborns is increasing..

This is a helpful critique, as it is the main result of having the Zika virus. You targeted the population who was affected, and mentioned the cause.

You did mention the correlative dengue fever twice, though, so this needs to be distinguished from the Zika virus for the reader.

dengue fever was circulating...

Maybe you can do a better critique if you compare this article to another which goes into more depth and explanation!

Good start!

ef_carol

Undergraduate / "Short term," "Five years," "Ten years," and "Thirty years." Undergraduate Transfer Essay [4]

This is a remarkably good essay. Well written, and in good form. Just a couple of suggestions, however.

You started your essay with an interior monologue. This is interesting...

I sat slouching...

Your description of what your father puts you through is quite personal and riveting to the audience. Anyone can imagine how this might have felt.

I think you should still have a topic sentence though. Somewhere in that paragraph you should introduce the topic of the essay.

Perhaps:

"Amidst the early decision making my father put me through I somehow emerged with my own firm values in helping people."

Secondly, transforming into others' happiness...

I think you need to explain in better logic how you came to this conclusion. I found it hard to follow how you got to that point!

You should emphasize your academic inspiration since you are trying to get into a University. What inspired you to try this in the first place- how did you get motivated to try college at all. This then would lead to the conclusion of reason for transfer, and desire to help people.

All in all a good first effort!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / The main objective of university education [3]

Very good start! You present good points about education! I agree education should be practical, to prepare minds for work.

Your intro is fine...

what education should properly do...

You could tighten it up a bit by condensing it into fewer sentences, and really focusing on your topic.

Your explanation is adequate about why universities are not properly preparing young minds for work...

no coherence...

Your conclusion sums up with a solution which is excellent..

need to teach deeply...

You have good form. You may want to pay a little more attention to verb conjugation. Perhaps a grammar book can help you!

Fine start. Just tighten up your intro and watch your verb conjugations.

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / In the future, students may have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computer [3]

Good start! You need to expand your answer and to organize it into at least three paragraphs! You need an intro, first.

to my way of thinking...

This would end your intro as you propose your thesis statement.

Next you need an explanatory body paragraph.

first of all...

This should start the explanation body paragraph. Then you will continue with the rest of your explanation about traditional school being better!

Lastly is the conclusion.

computers and televion...

This could begin the last paragraph, and wrap it up!

I think if you make these changes it will improve your essay! Start with an intro to begin the expression of your opinion, just as a thesis statement. Then a second paragraph to explain your opinion. Finally you need a conclusion to wrap it up and restate your opinion.

Good luck!

ef _carol

Essays / How to write a good outline of essay about Internet connecting people around the world? [4]

Well first decide the answer to the question, in your own mind! Then you can proceed!

You will need to introduce the essay with your first paragraph. Use a topic sentence to declare your intent to discuss and conclude the answer to the question.

Then you will need two or three paragraphs to give examples to back up your answer. These can be from your own experience or that of people you know. Or it can be something you read, or saw on t.v., i.e. in the news.

Finally, you will need to conclude, which will entail wrapping up the statement, or answer to the question. Make some general remarks on the subject, and then conclude.

will the internet bring people of the world together closer...

Remember this is a question and you are entitled to your opinion. But then you have to back this up with two or three facts!

You can quote the internet, or research book, or someone else's opinion.

Hope this helps!

ef_carol

Letters / Telling to my English teacher my English-level and also discussing about my certificate. [3]

Your letter is fine as stated, but needs some improvement/help. You do need to write more, the letter is a little too short.
deserve higher certificate...

You do make your point by reiterating what you want, a higher grade! But you keep using the word deserve. You need to explain why you deserve better. Explain in the best detail you can, so that it is clear to the teacher, what you mean, AND what you want!

watching movies...

You need to explain why you deserve a better grade based on your studying, and not on your hobbies. I don't think that will probably count much with the teacher.

Please try to formulate an intro where you outline your ideas, and a middle body paragraph where you explain them, and then a conclusion where you summarize your statement and request to the teacher. Use examples of your work, when necessary, that can exemplify your English proficiency level!

I hope this helps!

Good luck!

ef_carol

Book Reports / Interior monolog about a short story "Cat in the rain" [4]

If he thinks he can just ignore me he's crazy! It's not a genuine interest in the book, don't you know? He's sneaking peaks at me, and really did notice what I did with my hair! He's just pretending... he's playing hard to get...maybe I'll try a bow.

Just tried to help but you have a good start! I think you should try more punctuation variety.

nothing bothers him!

Also, I think you should try drawing an analogy literally to a cat in the rain

I'm getting cold from him ignoring me...

Basically a good monologue, but you could sharpen the imagery with better punctuation and some cat metaphores! Use some exclamation points to express indignity! Also vary the sentence lengths to provide more interest. What else about the situation reminds you about a cat in the rain?

Word pictures are very important in interior monologue.

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Young people who take a job before college gain experience and extend communication skills [2]

Your writing is basically well done. However you need to expand your intro and conclusion....positive and negative implications...

There are several positive and negative implications and they are...

See, if you add what they are you will expand the intro and have a true paragraph.

Also the conclusion.definitely brings several advantages and disadvantages...

and they are...

You need to fill out your conclusion. This will allow you to sum up what you have been saying.

Your examples are good for pro and con. I think if you shape up the first and last paragraph you will have a fine essay!

Just explain what is to come and what has just been, respectively. A classic essay has a proper introduction and conclusion. Unless you go into some detail about what's in the body of the essay, you will nit have fulfilled the classic formula.

Good start!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Comparing jobs and professions in the past and today life. [4]

Very good first try! You will need to revise your essay to include a true conclusion. You last sentence arrangement is merely a repeat of an idea drawn from the essay. You need to formulate about two or three sentences, at least to make it a paragraph, and to draw a conclusion.

[/consider Leornardo Da Vinci...font]

You have already mentioned him, and you need to be not repetitive but tie up the purpose of the essay. What is your final conclusion about jobs and professions in the past and today.

Workers today must limit their vocation to one area of specialization, because there is so much to accomplish, and master.

[/On the other hand...font]

Your just starting out your body paragraph, so you need to say something more general like...

Looking at the perspective of vocations in the past and in the present, we can see a distinct difference...

Perhaps, if you spent some more time on the format of your essay, you could improve it. Just go over the intro and conclusion, and make sure you have a summation of the ideas of the essay. Merely repeating the idea from essay is not enough, you need to make a general conclusion on the subject in total.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / "Old is gold" - an old friend is definitely more important in life than a new friend [3]

Your essay is well written, but needs a little attention. As far as your opening line, I think you should capitalize God, because that is how it is classically written!

most precious gift of god...

most precious gift of God...

Secondly, your organization needs a little help. You give two paragraphs to why old friends are better, but you lack a contrast paragraph which outlines why new friends could lend perspective of the moment. And then there is the adage, "you can't have too many friends".

[/First of all....in addition...font]

Despite these advantages, new friends could lend some perspective, especially if you meet them at a critical time in your life, right when you need some help. For example, if you attended a convention, you might meet friends of that weekend who were specialists in the subject you needed help with.

Your closing line is fine but a closing paragraph would have more lines. You need to stretch it out, and use the line you have as the last sentence of an entire concluding paragraph.

All in all, good start! Just make some of the corrections I mentioned, to make an improvement on what you have.

ef_carol

Essays / You're good guy? Check it ! And give me a hand with this opinion essay :) [2]

If you wrote about school clothing, you could talk about thedebate over uniforms, in schools.

They have seen some success in trying this in public school. People like the cost is less for their kids. Kids like the lack of competitition in what to wear each day!

However, you could contrast that lack of choice stifles uniqueness and individuality, which some students complain about. If you write up a pro and con list you will come up with enough for a five paragraph essay, which is classic.

Try that on for size!

Good luck!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Developing of medical system in many sides keep people healthier and their life expectancy is higher [5]

Your intro does not outline your reasons, or ideas, but it should. That is why it is called an intro! You should list them in a thesis statement, right in that first paragraph.

I will give my strong reason...

help them in some side...

Help them in some way...

Your word choice needs improvement as does your spelling. You forgot to capitalize the word China, in one instance.
All in all you have some good writing but need more order and better word choice. Perhaps you can read it over with a dictionary and check up the meaning of words you use!

Good start but try reworking the essay by giving more attention to your intro and developing word choice.

Writing Feedback / There is now greater equality for women compared to those in the past fifty years. [2]

I stand to agree...

I agree...

You don't need to be excessively verbose to make a good impression. It's better to have the right word choice!

growing children...

raising children...

This is the proper way to express that thought. The word choice is more classical!

I think your essay shows great promise! However you need to firm it up in two areas: word choice and the conclusion.

In word choice, you need to reread with a dictionary and thesaurus and check your selections to see if they are correctly used. For the conclusion, you need to expand it to include more of the ideas from the body paragraphs. It's way too short!

The conclusion is supposed to capture the ideas of the essay and repeat them, like the intro.

Good start, but needs some work. Just apply the changes I indicated and proceed to check things out with the dictionary.

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: PROBLEM AND SOLUTION IN CAREER AND FAMILY [2]

however, I believe some viable solutions...

You need to mention the solutions in your intro. This should probably be the last sentence in the first paragraph.

bad emotionally and mentality...

bad emotions and mental health...

You need to watch your word choices, and make sure they make sense!
Your work is organized well, but this would improve it.

Your conclusion is scattered and not as organized as the rest of your essay. You should repeat all of your ideas from the body paragraphs,

and conclude that way.

A good start! Just revisit your word choices and reorder the first and last paragraph. You need to mention the main ideas of the essay in both the intro and conclusion. This tells the reader where you are going and where you have been.

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Museums and Historical Sites are Ignored by Local Tourists [3]

Your essay is cohesive and answers the question very well! I think you could have made one more suggestion, to make a classic five paragraph essay. A couple of suggestion:

For solving this problem...

To solve this problem...

This word choice makes more sense than the one you selected. Again, it is well-advised to try to stick with classic phraseology. Reading books, in English, of a great variety, will help you develop this knack.

The result in people to overlook...

This results in people overlooking...

I believe this is a better format to convey the idea you have. Try to pick the correct verb form. I noticed you have this problem in other places of the essay. Verbs are a very important component of the sentence. They tell you what is happening. So try to pick up a grammar book to assist you with proper usage.

All in all well formatted! An intro and a conclusion are both done well. As I said, one more example might round out the essay.

Good job!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / I believe that the knowledge that I have acquired from my experiences is more important - TOEFL [4]

Your writing is basically succinct and covers the question, however, you have some word choices that need correcting!

opened my eyes to many facts...

Your preposition is the wrong choice! With this simple substitution you make the sentence make correct sense in a more classical way.

out of a difficult situation...

I believe this would be the appropriate way to enhance your sentence, and again give it a more classic appeal.

Remember to choose your words carefully, as in a writing of this brief length, every word counts!

In general, however your structure is good, with an intro and conclusion, and two example paragraphs. Perhaps you could add a third paragraph for another example, but still pick your words more carefully.

Wishing you much luck in the future...

ef_carol

Undergraduate / Purdue University versus my not only academic interests [5]

great opportunity

great opportunity to fulfill that dream

I think, that since your statement is so short, you should really emphasize the main points! You should repeat that veterinary work is a dream, not just a career, that's important. This makes it more personal!

in each field...

I think you should mention other specialties that you could major in, or sub-specialties. I think that the school probably offers a wide variety of topics about animals, and if you show knowledge of more of this you will impress, more!

The clubs are a good topic to mention, but you should add a concluding sentence which sums up the whole paragraph. This is standard for a paragraph. Perhaps you could even mention the dream again.

You did a good job, just a few suggestions: really emphasize the main points, and even repeat them. Be specific about what you know about the school offerings.

ef_carol

Undergraduate / Describe the world you want to live in 2030 (150 words) [6]

Your paragraph is a good start. Just a couple of suggestions;


the social scene will have big changes...

Your adjective needs a noun, there, I feel, and that makes it sound better, too!


there are breakthroughs

Using the correct word always means you get a better impression, in on the professor. I think you need to pay attention to your word choice especially with pronouns, and adjectives. I think a good grammar book would help. Your imagination is well thought out, and you bring a fresh outlook to a vision of the future. It sounds like you've thought about it a lot.

Just some attention to detail of word choices is needed to improve this paragraph, especially with adjectives, and pronouns. If you consult a grammar book and dictionary you will find them useful, and this may help correct your writing problem.

Good job!

ef_carol

Undergraduate / My background and an experience of meeting new people [7]

Your essay is well written but needs some attention. I think you should introduce the answrts with a topic sentence that coversboth answers.

it is me the hope of everyone...

This line should begin your first paragraph. Then you could explain how you got in that position!

During one of my vacations...

This needs a transitional expression which will tell the reader how the two answers are related. You need a theme. You are thehope of your family and the traveling is relaxing or informative somehow. You need to tie it together!

I also think you need a concluding sentence which sums up your essay.
You could say that traveling made you appreciate your family. You could say you look forward to fulfilling your family's dreams. Just conclude.
Good start!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Where are the leisure areas for three different groups of Australian inhabitants? [2]

Your essay explains the bar graph well! However it has some problems.

visit library...it has

This is a run on sentence and should be two sentences. You should start the new sentence with "it has". This will enable your reader to take a breath, and it flows better.

countries, which

Another run on sentence. Start a new sentence with "This is". This will make for better reading of your ending. In general well written but needs attention to sentence structure especially run ones. Just go over the ones I mentioned and revise them. Your word choice otherwise is good. Some attention to grammar, but spelling is fine. Good start!

Undergraduate / A new experience - I learnt how the life could be harsh sometimes [5]

Your rewrite is very good. I believe you really honed in on the questions asked of you!

Just a couple of observations. For one, you condensed the essay into three paragraphs. This should be spread int at least four.

guides me to the write way...

Start a new paragraph withgrandparents... and use another paragraph to detail this discovery. You really learned alto from them, so give them credit!

Otherwise your punctuation grammar and spelling are good. Your word choice really improved in the rewrite.

Good intro and conclusion. I like the way you said how you became someone people could rely on. This ties in the past to the future.

Good start!

ef_carol

Research Papers / Wright Brothers research paper and valuable characteristics [3]

You have quite an essay! It's very thorough and covers alot. However, I think you have a problem with run-on sentences!

did not come out as planned they kept...

Try it this way: out as planned. They kept.

You need to give your reader a chance to breathe,by cutting 5he sentence in half. I saw this pattern, throughout your essay piece. Go back over it and eliminate these run-on sentences.

using his creativity. H e created...

Another chance to give the reader a break!

Good use of vocabulary and grammar in general. Just cut down on the wordiness as I described.

Good beginning!

ef _carol

Scholarship / Chevening - I have chosen all three courses in the translation and interpretation field [4]

You have written an excellent essay about yourself! Perhaps you could focus in on a few more salient points, ad this is rather short.

I find ultimate pleasure...

You could make this a separate paragraph, ad you go into so much detail!

and that I'm fascinated with...

I think you should make a whole paragraph of compare and contrast between the two languages.
Your essay is very technical, and this would be more personal!

Good start! Just a little attention to personalizing the whole experience; more detail about your feelings would be in order to make your point about how much you like translating!

ef_carol

Undergraduate / A person want to meet - my grandfather. Personal Statement. [5]

Your essay is very touching, but needs some work!

with a smile on his face...

I think you should describe what he was wearing, and his posture, for example,because this was a first impression.

felt mildness from him...

You could elaborate this. Was he a peaceful, or mild-mannered man?

You tell an interesting story, and the flow is logical. I think you should pay attention to word choice and spelling.

All together a good start! You just need elaboration on the details of your grandfather, and that first meeting! Watch out for extraneous words. I actually think your grammar is pretty good. It does not stand out as a problem

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Do You Feel Lonely When You Live In An Apartment? [5]

Your essay is bold in its presentation of both sides of the argument. However, I think you need to take a side right from the beginning.

will discuss both points...

You are the opinion they are after! So take one more bold step, and give your opinion right from the beginning.

suggest to live in a house...

Why don't you do a whole paragraph on living in houses? You could present the other side of the argument more fully then.

In general, your essay is fine, but needs some attention to structure. Try to include your opinion throughout the body of it, and expand your intro to include your side of the issue.

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / The most crucial creation in the last 30 years - the Internet [4]

I would argue...

I think you should include some person examples in your essay, and introduce them in your first paragraph. The instructions say to do this, and I don't think you really did!

so it depends...

Again, use your life experience to enhance the essay, and list these along with what you already have, in the conclusion.

I think you do a good job of showing both sides, but again you could expand. Try to think of how the internet has helped you, and maybe how it hasn't. Perhaps you could mention keeping in touch with friends by email as a positive, and spam as a negative.

So just adjust your intro and conclusion to add relevant personal examples, and then add a paragraph about them.

Good start!

ef _carol

Undergraduate / My performance in the Talent Show and further competitions - meaningful talent essay [11]

This essay is well done, in general. However, I do think you took liberties with the form. While you present an interesting story...it was fun watching the audience...

I think you should introduce your essay topics is the first paragraph. You should list what's going to be in the essay, to start it off right.

Then you can tell your first story, about the talent show.

start and stop all over...

This is your strength that you don't do that! You are able to improvise. I think your repetition of this point is well placed, and that you do a good job of answering the question. Just write in a more classic intro to go with your classy essay!

Good job!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / The question is whether women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force [3]

I think your essay is very interesting, and answers the question well! You present a diverse set of examples which works well.

However your intro and conclusion need to better state what the essay is about.

bring up the children and keep the house...

What about some of the other controversial issues you will bring up? You should mention them in the intro.

I find it hard to say...

If you want to include your opinion, you should make anothrt paragraph for that. Your conclusion should repeat what you discussed in the body paragraphs, much like the intro.

Good start! Just revise the first and last paragraphs to list the main concepts. You can add the paragraph about your opinion, before the conclusion.

ef _carol

Essays / Ideas for comparison- contrast essay [13]

To look for ideas for comparison/contrast. you need only to look at the news and entertainment sector of our society!

To begin you can clearly see a leading topic this year is the Presidential election. You could compare the two leading parties, or pick two candidates. Thirdly, you could compare the men to the women.

Another contest hotly debated is global warming. You could compare those who believe it to those who don't. Should we take some action or not? Is any necessary?

Another place to look is entertainment. Follow the awards nominations for an important competition, and compare the two top contenders. One hot topic is always best film for the Oscar's.

Still yet another competition is sports. Who will be in the Super Bowl? What is your favorite team? Do they have a chance of making it to play-offs?

Hope this gave you some ideas!

ef_carol

Graduate / MBA Application essay explaining low GPA [5]

I actually think you did a good job, and that you did explain your situation.
Many students do have a hard time adjusting to school, but that doesn't make it any less valid!

falling sick a lot of times...

I'm sure that you are not exaggerating your experience, and I do think this is a valid excuse. Even if it was your mental health, that counts as health.

I decided to give it a fight...

So you have something to be proud of! Fighting alienation and anxiety and depression is convincing if your good character.

Some people may find this hard to empathize with, if they have never experienced it, but again, you lived it.

Trying to adjust to new cultural environmental factors to you may not be all subjective, however. I think it is a universal experience.

Stick to your point, and have confidence! You do have to believe in your answer/reason as was said, and that will shine through then.

Good luck!

ef_carol

Undergraduate / Is my admission counselor making my essay worse?- Autobiographical Essay for Columbia GS [4]

It's always hard to see your words changed to someone else's! Perhaps your counselor had some good ideas, but she could have allowed more of your personality to shine forth. I think the problem is that she corrected the beginnings of paragraphs very often.

for reasons that simply seem arbitrary...

This is not necessary and could feel like it generalizes very personal emotions.

Columbia Campus...

I think it's okay to complement your intended school. Perhaps what you're feeling is a depersonalisation of your writing. However, if your counselor is an expert on admissions, perhaps she feels her view would improve your acceptance chances. You will have to decide this, and see selectively what to keep of your own words, and what works, objectively. The first thing to decide is, what's more important, getting in to Columbia, or using your own words?

Hope this helps!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Living in a big city - means more robbers and criminals around [7]

You need to capitalize :

Tokyo, and New York...

Also, I saw a few spelling errors. You need to uses dictionary to check this!

In summer...

You should expand this one sentence paragraph into a full paragraph. I' d say you need at least three sentences to make a paragraph.

Your writing makes a point, but these technical aspects nneed some close attention. Try to form paragraphs that explain your ideas. Does your computer have spellcheck? Use these instruments including a Thesaurus to help you with word choice.

Good start!

ef _ carol

Grammar, Usage / How do I paraphrase this sentence? [5]

Real estate prices in Singapore have increased a whopping 69%, for the five years preceding 2009. Now it is one of the most expensive real estate markets in the world (dent, 2011).

I think it's okay to condense and even comment on the facts. I think you want to avoid being repetitive.

Try writing it up a couple of different ways, and you're sure to get it! Just play with what is really necessary to include, and what is not. For example the word Singapore is mentioned twice, so I edited it out. Obviously you need the numbers, to be kept in, to get the fact across.

Good luck!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / The pros and cons of working remotely [3]

although this kind of work is on the rise...

You need to describe the advantages. and disadvantages in your intro paragraph. Just highlight them briefly.

In conclusion...

You should also list the pros and cons in the conclusion.

Having one paragraph for pros and one for cons, is good! You present the issue clearly and succinctly.

Just pay more attention to your start and finish, and you will have a stronger essay.

Really you should list the pros and cons of working at home in both the intro and conclusion,for a better essay. Perhaps you could make some notes or an outline to organize this. Then you would see the arguments have to be presented in detail to be valid.

Good start!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II: The purpose of business is to make money [3]

I think you could expand your conclusion a little. Devote some space to why this is your conclusion. Expand on how you got there.

The aforementioned argument...

You can just repeat the argument of the intro, but not verbatim.

innovation and people are the key...

Your intro says this and yet the conclusion merely says they cannot be disregrded.

You need to decide how important they are to business success, and be consistent.

Good start! With some attention where I pointed, you will improve your essay. Just rethink the importance of your key factors. Are innovations and people vital or Judy an important part of the picture of success?

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Should we protect old buildings or not? [3]

I think you have written very well on the question of old houses and their uses. However, a couple of comments seem necessary.

You say:

finally...
But really you should say "thirdly". You don't want to show lack of form on the concluding paragraph. You already have a conclusion when you say:

To conclude...

Also you need to introduce your main ideas in the first paragraph. Then you can logically include your three topics. Then you can wrap up with a summary of those same points. You could talk about the down side of old houses if you wanted another paragraph for contrast. That is sometimes they attract vagrants or become fire hazards.

Good start!

ef_carol

Undergraduate / Obstacles... College application essay - critique before I send in. All amounts of critisim welcome [3]

I think you did a wonderful job with this topic! However, you need to introduce your main idea in the first paragraph.

being diagnosed with anxiety disorder...

This should be introduced in the introductory paragraph.

ignited my own intellectual curiosity...

These two sentences should be combined and inserted in the first paragraph. Your scattered with the idea, and you need to focus it.

Otherwise, your vocabulary is good, as is your spelling and punctuation.

I hope you take my suggestion, as it will make your essay more classic in its use of the intro paragraph. This is a key part of the essay as you make your first impression!

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / Without parents assistance children can easily be affected by bad habits, lifestyle and cultures [6]

This essay is well done. You have an intro conclusion and three body paragraphs.

final tests, However...

The correct form would be... to leave out the word however. It is unnecessary there. You make the point fine without it.

made mistakes...showed some bad behavior...

The mistakes are the bad behavior. This is redundant. Just say you made some mistakes.

Your intro and conclusion are fine. So is the spelling and punctuation.You just need attention to word choice and grammatical structure. Try thus and it will strengthen your essay!

You make a good first try!

ef _carol

Writing Feedback / Universe exploration projects - these are a waste of money and all the funds should be spent better [2]

Your writing is well done, but needs some help!

secondly,, funds...

You should call this a new paragraph because essays usually go by 4 or 5 paragraphs! The topic of funds could use some further explanation.

I completely agree...

Could you perhaps tweak this to agree, and then include some advantages of space travel in your intro? You could say it furthers our knowledge of the universe and this makes us a stronger nation.

Basically good use of vocabulary and punctuation. Spelling is okay too!

Good start! You just need to consider making 5he intro about both sides. Also expansion of the funds topic would solidify the essay. You could also include the pros of space travel in the conclusion, for the same reason.

ef_carol

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Are heroes those who speak up when others lack the courage? [3]

I think your essay has a strong intro and conclusion. You seem to answer the question well!

when others lack the courage...

So you do feel this speaking up is the answer to the hero question. This is a valid point, and you give a good example in King and Ghandi.

You give a body paragraph to each example of a hero, and that's good form.

increasingly vocal...

This part of your conclusion shows the real point is about being vocal.

I think your form and spelling and punctuation are good. You could just try varying the way you discuss vocalness with different word choices, synonyms. Try a Thesaurus.

Good job!

ef _carol

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