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Posts by lcturn87
Name: Lakia Turner
Joined: Apr 3, 2015
Last Post: Sep 27, 2015
Threads: -
Posts: 435  
Likes: 236
From: United States of America

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Sep 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / Buying things online is very convenient. Simple trade brings some demerits though. [5]

I would like to help you some of your essay.

The first sentence you use the word improvement, but I think the word order makes it unclear. You could state that using the internet has provided an alternative way to shop. Then you would begin the next sentence with: "People are buying what they need..."

The last sentence needs to be corrected: "In this case, I strongly believe that even though there are several advantages like citizens people can gain products easily by shopping online, but there is a drawback to this shopping activity."

2nd paragraph: I would like to suggest using "people" and avoiding citizens and inhabitants. It can be confusing to the reader to use the other terms.

You can delete everytime and replace it with "at any time". You can delete via . I'm unsure about the next sentence because it mentions trade website and products. Here is a suggestion: Without exception in the "They can look for products which is every person can open the and search trade websites." You can add more details in the next sentence. Do you mean that a product name has to be typed?

"For example, if an individual wants to obtain information regarding how to buy a smartphone, he or she can visit the site XXXXX to find a wide range of sellers of mobile phones." (Since you used individual, you should use he or she)

The last sentence you can use the word "site". Here is a suggestion: "With this site, so the people can obtain what they need effortlessly".

You need more to your conclusion to help you have a better summary. Remember to think about your examples and your introduction before you revise your conclusion.

I hope this helps you!
Sep 26, 2015
Scholarship / Despite the economic difficulties.... (KGSP personal statement) [3]

I have some suggestions for your essay.

1st paragraph: You should state:" does not really matter". Also, the last sentence:" set your mind to".

2nd paragraph: To reduce the length of your paper, delete the first two sentences. You could begin this paragraph with, "I have countless reasons to apply for this program." If you begin with this sentence, you will start to answer the question regarding your motivation to apply for the program. Also, here is a correction:" mother tongue".

4th paragraph: The last sentence, you should end with "about life in Peru". The other details that describe how you began discussing the events with your friends can be deleted.

My suggestion to you is to think about your reply to the questions regarding significant experience and extracurricular activities. You could try to tell your experience with fewer details. Also, you can describe only a few of your extracurricular activities that you feel are the most important. This will help you reduce the length of your paper.

I hope this helps you!
Sep 26, 2015
Undergraduate / I am a Mexican, and I will show what kind of people we are, we are excelling [9]

I can help you with your essay. I can help you with your grammar. You can delete: even more here in the U.S . Also, delete Every so often and replace it with "Occasionally, I think about my nationality in school. For example, ..."

Instead of using a comma after discussion, you can separate your sentence: "People are interested..." You can form a sentence: "However, what do they "know"? Another transition word you can use is "Yet, these are..."

When you discuss your mother's workplace, state "and she was very successful". You need a comma: 1,000. Upper should be in all lowercase letters and place a period after "class". I'm not sure what you lack. Please explain. The last sentence: "challenges that come my way".
Sep 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / Talking about myself - environment, culture, or family history helped to shape my identity [5]

Thank you for posting the prompt! There are many ways you can approach this topic. I would encourage you to focus on one topic.

1) You could discuss your environment. Where did you grow up? This is a broad topic. An environment could consist of the neighborhood such as urban, suburban, or rural. You could discuss how this helped to shape your identity.

2) You could describe Vietnamese culture. Since your parents grew up in the Vietnam, you could explain how this has shaped or influenced who you are.

3) Also, you could discuss your family history. The history of your family is quite similar to what was already stated in your essay. However, after the introductory paragraph you would need to make it clear to the reader that you are recalling past events from stories your were told. In the first paragraph you discuss how you were taught humility. In the second paragraph, here is a suggestion to help you begin your essay: "I was also taught my family's history, which has helped to shape my identity. Then you could use this sentence from your paragraph as your next sentence: "My parents grew up during the Vietnam war, an era..." Then use the first and second sentences in your paragraph. Then keep the last sentence the same.

I hope this helps!
Sep 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / Talking about myself - environment, culture, or family history helped to shape my identity [5]

I would need to know the essay prompt. Is it " environment, culture, or family history helped to shape your identity"?

The missing connection occurs when you transition from your introductory paragraph to the second paragraph. If this is a self-reflection, then it should have a transition. For example, as I began reading your essay, you discuss your parent's lives but you are not included in the story until the conclusion of the essay. You could tell the reader that this is the story you were told about your family history.

A better way to approach the subject is to focus on your perception about your life or how your environment, culture, or family history influenced you. You could also use your last paragraph to develop your topic. This paragraph really helps the reader to understand your perspective more.

If you could please verify the essay prompt that would be great. If you need more assistance I can help you.
Sep 26, 2015
Undergraduate / Skipping the school never was in my interest, I'm focused on the success only - UCF essay [4]

When I first read your essay, I was completely surprised. I think it is a good start. I would like to give you some suggestions.

In your first paragraph place a comma after "academically." I would like to give you a suggestion: radiate this energy to my peers and help , you could replace it with "can use these attributes to help my peers and others".

Here is a suggestion for your next paragraph: "I tend to always remain optimistic, which helps me with my dedication to success." (I was trying to help you avoid stating: hand in hand.)

The last paragraph, you could make a revision: "...because of the time-management skills I learned throughout the years."

I hope this helps!
Sep 26, 2015
Graduate / Master degree and design abilities - correction of grammatical errors [3]

I can help you with some mistakes in your grammar. First, I was unaware that this essay was for a master's program. As I made corrections, I realized that you could start your essay describing your passion for the arts. This is the second paragraph in your essay. I will begin by helping you with some mistakes in this paragraph:

2nd paragraph-These are some corrections:

"...since I was in junior high."

"When I was in high school, I had heavy workloads, but I never stopped improving my drawing skills"

The last sentence you should state: "Since I am passion about the arts, I have decided to study design, and I hope I will be accepted by the industrial design department at XXXX university."

3rd paragraph: I'm unsure about the beginning of this paragraph. Do you mean "During the first year in college"? If this is correct you can delete At the first year . Also, the last part of this sentence "...I was focused on all of my courses, and spent a great amount of time practicing..."

Since you have more information about your sophomore year, you could include your sophomore year in this paragraph. The next sentence would begin in a different manner: "Yet, my sophomore year, I chose..." Place a comma after "which". You should state: "In this course, I learned..." The next sentence you can make this change: "...skills improved considerably". Stay in the past tense: "That year, I was in charge of handling..."
Sep 26, 2015
Graduate / Accomplishments and experience I gained - SOP for Masters in MIS from WPI [13]

I can give you some suggestions for your essay.

I think the first three paragraphs are mainly about your career. If you have career experience this can be included in your SOP, but I am trying to grasp why you are interested in a master's program. Let me try to give you an example. Imagine someone is an education consultant and majored in education. An SOP could begin in this manner:

"My passion has always been to further my studies in education. As a dedicated professional in the area of education consulting, I always strive for success. Yet, after five years of working hard to achieve my career goals, I feel unfilled. During my undergraduate studies, I always envisioned creating a classroom in which my students could thrive. Yet, after graduating, my dream was deferred. That is why I am applying for the master's program."

-You don't have to follow this same format, but this is to help you to begin your essay. Also, this is not a real example. However, the reader can understand the reason the prospective graduate student decided to further his or her studies.

-I think it is great to list work experiences if you have some gaps in your schooling. Yet, in the first paragraph, the reader should understand why are you are making this transition in your life.
Sep 25, 2015
Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore?----Social Responsibility, Media and Writing [5]

I would like to give you some feedback. There are two sentences that are separate from your paragraph.

I think your first sentence needs to be corrected and also apart of a paragraph. This university seems to appeal to you because of your interests and abilities. Also, I think the paragraph order could be changed. Here are some suggestions to help you with the order of your paragraphs:

1) Describe why you are interested in attending the university. You should include what you plan to study.
2) What will make learning at this university a unique opportunity for you?
3) How will your university experience help you to achieve your future goals?

Also, when you discuss specific professors, you should have a sentence to introduce them to the reader. Ex: I can learn from skilled professors. For example, Professor X,..."
Sep 25, 2015
Scholarship / Bamboo huts - QuestBridge (scholarship) Biographical Essay- Need An Insight [10]

I would like to give you some feedback. The first paragraph gives the reader insight into your personal situation, but the second and third paragraph shows that you had to resettle many times. You could combine these paragraphs and include only what is most important to your story if you want to shorten your essay. Also, you describe that your relatives had something to teach you. Therefore, you could delete what your uncle and cousin said, because this is a good sentence that describes how it helped prepare you for the journey ahead.

The last sentences indicates it was your last night in the refugee camp. The following day you must have started your journey to the U.S. If you use your last paragraph after this sentence to briefly describe your arrival to the U.S., you could shorten the length of your essay. This could also help you add more details you would like to include. You could describe your specific aspirations and academic successes.
Sep 25, 2015
Writing Feedback / "A Walk". Creative writing personal essay on a storm (descriptive) i need help making it longer [3]

I would like to help you with your essay. I would like to give you three suggestions or approaches to help you to lengthen your essay.

1) You could lengthen your essay by adding another character. If you and your brother meet someone as you try to escape the storm, maybe you could be provided with temporary shelter. Ex: Before the last paragraph you state, "We survived". However, what if the light actually came from a house that could provide you shelter.

2) Another way to lengthen your essay, is to begin your story by stating how the day was before the storm. Have you ever been outside and suddenly the weather changed? You can have an introduction that begins with a nice day, and this can lead to the body of you essay where you describe how unpredictable the weather can be.

3) In the end, you are headed home. However, you could still build the reader's anticipation. Is it possible that you haven't reached your climax? Is the storm really over? Maybe you didn't check the weather that day and you realize there are impending scattered showers and storms. However, this time you are fully prepared for what comes next.

I hope this helps you!
Sep 25, 2015
Scholarship / I'm a teacher surrounded by the happy students - a journey through time to the 2025 [5]

I can help you with some of your essay. You could separate your sentence: "A new day has dawned." "From my window, I can see the sun is just shining its warm golden light and the breeze is blowing the leaves on the ground." When I read this sentence, I was unsure about your location. You could state where you are. Ex: "When I peer through my bedroom window..."

Also, the last sentence has some errors that need to be corrected: "A wonderful day is waiting for me."

2nd paragraph: In the first sentence, change on to "in". Since you are telling a story, you should state that you arrived. Ex: "When I arrive, I enter the school gate where my second family is..."

The next sentence I feel is confusing, because you state your students are waving but then you mention lessons. You could discuss how they are in eager anticipation for the school day to begin. Make this correction "Deep down in my heart..."

The next sentence, a good word choice would be "I reminisce about my life ten years ago".

Here are some suggestions for your next sentences in this paragraph:
-"When I was at the age of 18 eighteen, , daredevil and headstrong, I wanted a teaching career despite my parents warning about its low income."

-You could change. I think you should begin to discuss your present life again. You could elaborate more, but this is just a suggestion: Now my life has changed.

-When you describe you ability "to influence and enlighten", you should describe who you are influencing (i.e. children). Also, if you want to describe it as an ongoing action you could state: "my desire to continue to influence and enlighten..."

I hope this helps!
Sep 24, 2015
Scholarship / How Do I write 6-80 character lines? Is this correct or too many words? Special circumstances essay [4]

I can help you with your essay. If you are typing your essay in a Word Document, you have to click on file, scroll down to properties, and then click on statistics. You will see how many line and characters are in your essay. Please check to see if the 6 lines and 80 characters is correct. If this is the rule, you have too many lines and characters.

Therefore, you have to choose what you must include and be very brief if this can only be 6 lines and 80 characters. Here is a suggestion to help you:

1)Only include the main details and try to combine events. Ex: In the second sentence, you could explain how you and your sibling rely on your grandparents financially because of your mother's condition. This will help you to reduce the words you use.

2)Tell your story. When you discuss your grandmother's death, then combine how this took a toll on what your grandpa could provide for you, so you obtained a summer position until you experienced an injury this August.

3)If there are still too many words, you can delete some words or think about a word that you could use as a replacement. Ex: two very active children's has been very difficult "us has been very difficult".

I am sorry about your loss. I hope this helps you.
Sep 24, 2015
Scholarship / Mission 2025, I'm part of the crew on space - UWC Scholarship [9]

Hello, I can help you with some needed changes. There are some minor issues with the first three sentences.

"The sound of the 3-dimension clock wakes me up. It says 12:01 a.m., which means a new day has dawned. Here comes the day of April 29, 2025." (The time needed to be clarified and the date needed some changes).

As I was reading your essay, I became confused. Then I realized what you were trying to explain. Here is a suggestion: "Though a year in space makes me eager to come back home, this is not the time to quit."

Here is a correction: "When I recall how splendid the Earth used to be, and could have been this arouses in me the feeling of sheer bitterness." Combine your sentences: "What further awaits is the heavy responsibility to be one of those giving the hope for what is forthcoming."

3rd paragraph- There are minor issues that need to be corrected: "discovers that there is a range of asteroids orbiting a...". Also, there is a missing word in the sentence after your question: "not to". The word send should be "sends".

4th paragraph-You should change "solar system" to all lowercase letters. Change raising to "rising". Do you mean the green grass appears to join the crystal blue sky?

I hope this helps!
Sep 24, 2015
Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

I would like to help you make some corrections.

1st paragraph: There is a missing word: "I spent a big part of my youth..."

2nd paragraph: The first sentence: "when I received the second best score among hundreds of candidates to enter the university".

Here is a suggestion for your next sentence: After my undergraduate studies, I stayed in touch with my professors and read their research works. (Since you use the word "stayed", the reader could imply that your relationship is far away or long distance. This is why I started the sentence with "After".).

Here is another suggestion for your next sentence: "This influenced me to pursue software development and intelligent IT solutions."

When you state that you were twenty, you should delete the word "have". Remember to state "Brazil". These sentences need corrections: "We followed the scrum development methodology we used to have and had daily meetings with our customers. As a result, my English skills were indispensable."

3rd paragraph: The word "system" should be in all lowercase letters.Place a comma after the word "development". Remember to state: "undergraduate studies abroad".

I hope this helps you!
Sep 23, 2015
Undergraduate / Why I can't eat my waffles like pizza anymore [6]

I can help you with some of your essay.

The first sentence delete had and change eaten to "ate". You should separate your sentence. "Everything changed when my dad got married..."

The next paragraph, I was unclear about the meaning of the first sentence. You could delete some words in that sentence: occurrencesthat and replace it with "and". Also, delete: bythefigureinauthority . If you are quoting her, you could begin the sentence with "She said". Change laughter-warm to "laughter-filled". The next two sentences should be in this paragraph. I think you hit the enter key too soon, so it seemed as if you were forming a new paragraph.

3rd paragraph: There is a missing word:" I thought about what I would do if I met three children and encountered a mountain of chaos." In your last sentence, I am going to suggest deleting too and stating, "I would cringe".

4th paragraph: You should end the first sentence with "...happy family and mended holes". Do you mean mended holes in your heart?

5th paragraph: There is a slight error :"As I matured it..." You could state "independence" to replace selfstartingattitude .

6th paragraph: You could state "I chose to respect, consider, and uphold her standards."
Sep 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Books or computers for learning? Most students who use technology are more engaged with their study [5]

Hi, I would like to help you with some of your essay.

First, I believe your contrast is regarding how technology or computers has replaced books. In the first paragraph, you mention that students buy a book from the library. If you are describing a university, you could replace library with "bookstore". You could describe that this is an era in which computers and other technology help students gain access to reading material. Your discussion could then focus on how the format in which information is presented has changed (i.e. from printed books to computers, tablets, e-readers).

Since you have chosen computers rather than books, your thesis should be more clear. Here is a suggestion: "Schools need to use technology to improve and advance education for students". This is just a simple idea, but I think you need to add schools and students to your thesis because you discuss it throughout your paper. Also, you used "not" which implied that technology may not be used, but you are optimistic about it being used.

In the last paragraph of your essay you discuss technology and those who are an older age. Yet, you can consider that people in many different age groups are using tablets and other forms of technology. Thus, if a student is willing to learn, technology can be a useful tool to learn concepts in education.

There were some good examples. I hope this helps!
Sep 23, 2015
Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

I would like to help you with your introduction.

Remember to capitalize the beginning of your sentences: "In fact, I spent a big part of my youth in front of a computer learning how to code. Here is a suggestion: "However, I do not regret the time I spent learning."

You should delete these words Much to the contrary . Replace it with "On the contrary". Separate these events in your life: When I was 19-years-old, I had an internship through the university I attended. At the age of twenty, I had a professional contract with an American software company."

In the next sentence, the word software should be in all lowercase letters. You could state that you were always dedicated to receiving an advance degree. Is this also a software analysis and system development program?

Here is a suggestion for your last sentence: "For example, I attended a computer programming and analysis course in Toronto as a science..." I think you should explain this program. I feel that the word "destined" is not a good word choice. Is it a program to give opportunities to the best Brazilian students?

I hope this helps you!
Sep 22, 2015
Graduate / I am applying for a master degree scholarship and I need to write a self introduction. [18]

I can help you with your essay. I can also provide you with some help to organize your essay.

1st sentence: "My entire life, I always had a passion for math and computers."
2nd sentence: You could replace the first word with "Therefore, the task..."
3rd sentence: Here is a suggestion for this sentence: "Since high school, I have always wanted to become a computer scientist and create new technology solutions."

4th sentence: Do you mean despite your young age, you already have job experience in this field?
5th sentence: Place a comma after "development". Did you take the course or did you "major" in computer programming and analysis? If this was your major course of study you could make a simple change: "...I majored in computer programming and analysis in Toronto as an exchange student..."

The next paragraph, you could say why you are interested in the program. Then discuss how developed the technology is in the program you are interested in.

Your last paragraph usually should include your desire to study in a particular location and the qualities that will help you to do so. This would include that you are a mature, team player, who is able to study independently (self-taught).
Sep 22, 2015
Undergraduate / Im not just a Dreamer......Ewha Womans University: Clothing and Textile department [4]

I would like to help you with some paragraphs in your essay. I think you should make two separate sentences: "My mother had bigger plans that year, with a 2-year-old and a child that still hadn't spoken her first words or even walked properly." In the next sentence, place a comma after "nor". Separate your sentence: "She knew the risk it would be, but she took them anyway."

2nd paragraph: Place a comma after "infant". You can be more specific and replace classic with "story".

You can separate your sentence again: "She took an the incredible journey with us on how on an inflatable boat and we crossed the river in the middle of the night." You could use a transition to begin another sentence: "Also, watching her hem a pair of jeans,I..."

You can separate your sentence again: "I was like a kitten following the glowing dot."

3rd paragraph: You could change the first sentence and add a few words: "...candy or the remote for the television in order to distract me, instead she handed me hope and a needle." (When you discuss the embroidery hoop, you should form a new sentence.)

The next sentence, place "the" before only and state "every five seconds". You should begin a new sentence when you begin to think to yourself about where the need should come out. The last sentence in this paragraph should be: "I just had to have them all"

I'm unsure about the length of this essay, but the motivation with which you apply for this program, extracurricular activities, and awards are not mentioned in the essay. Don't forget to include this information!

I hope this helps you!
Sep 22, 2015
Writing Feedback / The appropriate punishment of children to teach right and wrong [6]

I can help you with some of your essay.

The first sentence may need a change in word order. You could state:" It is crucial to teach the next generation of children how to behave and the difference between right and wrong."

Here is a suggestion for the next sentence: "This places a demand on teachers and parents to teach them to be well-behaved." I am going to suggest changing true and false to right or wrong." The last sentence there are only a few missing words:"... should be punished if they do make mistakes."

2nd paragraph: When you use father or mother, you should state: "...are leaders who appreciate their children's behavior all the time, gives an affectionate hug in order to display a mutual connection, and should have a rule when their child makes a mistake."

Here is another suggestion: "For example, a child is late coming home because he or she did not complete the lessons in school on time."

I'm unsure if you mean the parent should discipline or give the child advice.

3rd paragraph: The next paragraph has some errors in word choice that need to be corrected:" In addition, teachers have some students who arrive to class late." The next sentence, change inform to "give", place a comma after punishment, and change like to "such as". The following sentence the word should be "disciplined". The last sentence you could end with, "able to be on time."

4th paragraph: You could add more to your summary. Some words need to be deleted in your last sentence:"... punishment, which is given by parents and teachers, educates children and has assisted them to be independent, disciplined people knowing right from wrong."
Sep 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / Age limits of people to drive are an essential step in reducing traffic accidents. [2]

I can help you with your essay. As I glanced at your writing, I could see commas used after transition words (Firstly or First, On the other hand, Thus, etc.) This is a good writing skill. I would like to help you with some corrections to help you prepare for your exam.

There seems to be some missing words. The first sentence place a comma after "Today" and you should add "have" before become.

2nd sentence: "...age, which can lead to numerous accidents."

3rd sentence: You can use "On the other hand" or "In contrast". Ex: " On the other hand, older people can play a vital role in causing accidents."

4th sentence: If this is how you feel. You should state "Therefore, I feel..." Then explain how the age limits need to be raised or lowered in certain age groups.

2nd paragraph: Delete the sentence about adults driving, because this paragraph discusses young drivers. When you use a transition word, sometimes the next word should be in lowercase letters. Ex: "First, major issues are being raised..." This is correct: Therefore, I believe... ("I" is the exception). Missing words need to be corrected: "...youths often are inspired by scenes from action films and they can apply them in real life, which can cause an accident." The last sentence:" increase the age".

3rd paragraph: "On the other hand, older people..." Also, "Thus, looking at senior drivers, my opinion is that the..." These two sentences needed lowercase letters after your transition words too.

You have a variety of examples to support your opinion, but adding the missing words to your essay will help you. I hope this helps you!
Sep 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / Task 2 - The clothes people wear are the most indication of what they are like [6]

I can help you with some of your essay.

The first sentence in your essay is confusing. Do you mean that clothes are essential items that are associated with the body?

The second sentence you could use "Some" rather than several". The second should be a contrast. Ex: Others realize that clothing is a basic need and does not reflect who they are.

You should change the word order in the last sentence: "Although there is a difference argument about this issue, I firmly believe that clothes have role sector are important in an individual's life."

In the second paragraph, there needs a change in word order and some words deleted:

1st sentence "...clothes cover the body from the sun rays or the cold during the night".

2nd sentence: "In this era, half of citizens are concerned about the importance of being stylish or fashionable."

3rd sentence: Do you mean that they have to have an updated wardrobe because they are followed by fans?

4th sentence: "..fans try to imitate what their popular idol wears..."

5th sentence: "This evidence of this can be seen proves that clothing gives has a huge social impact to socialize ."
Sep 21, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Clothes are the most important indication of your identity [6]

I can help you with some of your essay. When I read some of your conclusion, I think this is what you are trying to state: "Fashion has become a primary need in our lives today."

The second sentence there are some missing words that can be added: "Although many people are convinced that clothes represent who they are, others feel they should not be judged in that manner." I'm unsure about the last sentence. Do you mean that we should wear the appropriate attire or clothes for every occasion?

The second paragraph, you can delete some words: In these days Today, clothes function have been moved not only cover our bodies, but also reveals our identity. The next sentence has a good transition but you could say "...someone will receive a compliment from another person if they wear designer clothing."

This sentence can be deleted: We cannot take a walk in huge supermarket only use short pants and slipper .

Here is a suggestion for the next sentence: "For example, there was a research study done that observed how a saleswoman in a department store chose her target by looking at her customer's appearance." You need a transition. Also, I'm unsure if this was a saleswoman, but you should use "her" rather than their in this sentence.

The last sentence is a simple change: "This discovery emphasizes, if the that good clothes will get more attention."

I hope this helps you!
Sep 21, 2015
Undergraduate / Makeup is my weak spot- Common App Essay [8]

I would like to help you further.

I think your essay was interesting. Yet, this seems to be a supplemental or added response. Since you are interested in another subject, you have to be very careful about this written response. There are many courses in college or projects in which you can use creativity. For example, makeup is like an art form and can show creativity. If you take required courses, before the courses in your major, you may need to show your creativity.

Therefore, having an interest in makeup can help you if you work on creative projects. It can help you to be a more versatile student. If you decide to use this interest, I think it should be either closely related to your career interest (being a doctor) or related to how it will help you succeed in your coursework. This concept of makeup could prove to be beneficial if you consider this in your essay.

Also,I think you should delete these words in the third paragraph: NeveraskmewhyI'mlate . If you are a serious student, you want to give a good impression.

These are only suggestions to help you.
Sep 20, 2015
Undergraduate / Makeup is my weak spot- Common App Essay [8]

I would like to help you with your essay.

1st paragraph: I think you are trying to join sentences together: "My AP Bio lab report lay on my bed untouched; yet, there I was drooling over a highlighter". The next sentence you can delete: all the more . You can avoid using "And" at the beginning of a sentence. When you delete it, your writing will become better because your sentences are good.

2nd paragraph: Remember to delete And . You could state: "Most importantly, I think it is fun."

Last paragraph: Your writing is really good. However, you want to end your essay well too. I think it is good to try to avoid using "thing" and be more specific. Here is a simple change: "Therefore, money can't buy happiness, but it can buy me makeup which is basically the same thing ."

I hope this helps you!
Sep 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / Discuss time when your ETHNIC background (or ASPECT OF YOUR IDENTITY) SIGNIFICANTLY affected ur life [3]

I would like to help you with some of your essay. If you decide to put the city and state in your essay, I think you should form a sentence. However, the first sentence is great and a very vivid reference. I think you should use "distinctive Hollywood sign" in your next sentence.

I think you should begin the next statement by stating, "If LA is not a preferred city to visit, then San Francisco, which is located in Northern California, comes next in my mind." (You begin the paragraph as if you are telling a story, so if you use "in my mind" it is as if you are giving the reader more information).

The next sentence was very difficult to understand. Here is a suggestion to begin this sentence: "If you travel in the city, you can curiously peek..." The following sentence state: "You will find yourself..."

You can separate your ideas into two sentences: "There are also people in-between perpendicular rows, bending down, reaching toward the ground with large hats..."

Only part of the last sentence needs correction: "I try to envision my young parents and grandparents process of emigrating from Mexico City and being able to receive a job cultivating the crops of California,..."

2nd paragraph: The first sentence you want to change your word choice "...pursue my dream". You should combine your ideas: At 7:40 a.m., I walked into the first of my seven classes of the day...."

3rd paragraph: There is just one missing word you can correct: "My parents reminded me of the importance..." Also, when you discuss your teaching walking into class, remember to state: 7:45 a.m. There needs to be a semicolon: "Paper airplanes would fly across the room, causing the students to giggle; thus, creating entertainment due to the classes' "boringness".

You should separate your sentences: "The teacher would then yell to a couple of students and forced them to go to the principal's office. Meanwhile, other boys sneaked out of class to smoke in the restrooms."

Place a comma after "everyday". Separate your sentence again by starting a new sentence: "However, by the end of the year, the energy rose and drove the faculty insane..."

There were parts of a few sentence that needed correction. I hope these changes will help you!
Sep 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / How having an offspring of different ages affects the parents' level of happiness? [3]

I can help you with your summary.

I think you should end the first sentence with "different age groups". The next sentence contains some errors. I think this part of the sentence needs to be deleted: the total of parents with toddlers are higher than the number of parents with teenage children . The pie chart reveals emotions such as happy, fairly happy, and unhappy. I did not see the number of parents. However, parents with young children seem to be happier, but only by 1%. (If you add the percentages of happy and fairly happy for teenagers and young children, the difference is very low.)

Also, this sentence states elders rather than "parents". You could state: "It can be seen that the percentage of parents who are dissatisfied with their children are very low."

Here is a suggestion for your last sentence in your essay: "In conclusion, the level of parent's happiness has fallen decreases when their toddlers very young children become teenagers."
Sep 20, 2015
Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Hi, I can help you with some ideas begin writing this essay. Since it is 2015, this is something that will occur 10 years from now. Therefore, I need to ask you a question. What are your future plans 10 years from now?

If you receive this scholarship and graduate in four years from this university, you should think about if you have any other educational plans. In four years, some students may obtain a bachelor's degree then work full-time. Other student's may pursue a master's degree. If you decide to be a doctor or lawyer, that could be seven or eight years.

If you finish all of your educational pursuits in 10 years, you could discuss a typical work day in your field. Would you think about a promotion on that day? Do you have a brilliant idea that could help your company in the future?

There are many ways you can answer this question, but I truly feel that your major will strongly influence your answer.
Sep 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The Measurement of Parent Happiness With Children [6]

I can help you with your summary.

I think that you should end the first sentence with "different age groups." The pie charts describes young children and teenagers and it is grouped according to these age brackets.

The beginning of the second paragraph: "The most unhappy parents, who have very young and teenage children, represent the lowest percentages in the charts at 3% and 4%, respectively." There are very few changes to this sentence. However, since you are comparing fairly unhappy and unhappy, "most unhappy" is a better way to describe the pie chart.

If you want to be more specific in the next sentence, you should describe the percentage. The only percentage that is more than a half is teenagers at 61%. "This is in stark contrast "In contrast, more than fifty percent of parents had a fairly happy feeling with their younger children."

The last sentence is confusing. I think the word order needs to be changed: "Yet, when children transition from a very young child to become a teenager, this accounted for a slight rise by 11% of fairly happy parents."

In this paragraph, the last two sentences were too similar because it described the fairly happy feeling of parents with teenagers. Now you have sentences that describe the younger children and the teenagers.

I hope this helps!
Sep 19, 2015
Graduate / 'The Gadget Era' - Graduate Chemical Engineering Fulbright Scholarship Study Objective [3]

I can help you with your essay. I would like to help you with word choice. I would like to give you a suggestion for your first sentence: "We are living in an era in which we have become accustomed to having our gadgets available."

Here is a suggestion for your second sentence
"Our laptop, tablet, smartphone, and other smart wearable gadgets must always be accessible in our daily life."

I think this sentence should be separated: "Ten years ago, I charged my cellphone once and I could use it for three days. Today, sometimes I sometimes have to charge my phone three times a day." The next sentence you need to state "a smartphone".

This sentence needs a change in word order: "I hope soon there will be there will soon be an invention that could replace this conventional battery."

There are some issues with your use of "a" and "an" in the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs:
2nd paragraph: "...on a small scale" Also, the last sentence: "...become a reality".

3rd paragraph:
1st sentence: the electric vehicle and a mobile device
2nd sentence: create a battery
3rd sentence: reach a farther distance in a single charge
5th sentence:The demand for a battery
6th sentence: an affordable price
9th sentence: create a graphene battery."

I have placed some words in bold to help you with word choice as you continue to further your studies. I hope this helps you!
Sep 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, there remain misconceptions relating to the gender inequality. [2]

I would like to give you some assistance with your essay.

1st paragraph: I think you begin the first sentence with "Today" and delete the word "the" in this sentence. Here is a suggestion for this sentence: "This has been argued and interpreted via by providing a diversity of reasons such as personal features and individual capacities." (I'm unsure if you are describing looks and talents).

I think you should have a better thesis. Ex: "I am conflicted about this idea." "However, I think that we all need to set criteria for every professional." (The last sentence was taken from your last paragraph. It helps when you restate your thesis in your conclusion. I think you did this, but it was unclear to the reader in the introductory paragraph.)

3rd paragraph: I'm unsure about the first sentence: Returning to the other side of the problem On the other hand, I claim I think that the misconception that is listed contributes to the gender discrepancies." "Hence, it is clear that we all the equality in access to employment opportunities, which depend on our expectations and abilities as well."

I think the second paragraph discusses the difference between men and women, but the third paragraph has very little information about women and seems to discuss both genders. You could discuss how women are different than men.

I hope this helps!
Sep 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to information [5]

Hello, I would like to help you with your introductory paragraph:

1st paragraph: Here is a suggestion for you first sentence "Modern technology has transformed our life by allowing us to access information from many sources." The next sentence there are some missing words: "It helps us gain knowledge, and data easily and rapidly, in a few seconds from different places all over the world."

The next sentence you should state: This raises the question: Does too much information affect an individual's life negatively?

There is a slight mistake in the next sentence: "...while others believe that this can be a source of danger".

You could revise the last sentence in this manner: "In my opinion, this technology is two-face sword, we can benefit from modern technology, but with regulated restrictions."
Sep 18, 2015
Grammar, Usage / 'career in family medicine..' - help me check this sentence or re-write it [5]

Hello, I would like to help you with your sentence. I would like to give you another suggestion to help you.

First, I think you are trying to explain what occurred to the reader to avoid confusion. However, it would be more simple if you formed more than one sentence.

EX: "A few years after beginning my career in family medicine, because of lack of experiences in treating patients with mental illnesses that commonly seen in family practice, I worked as a psychiatric fellow for several years."

"When I started my career in medicine, I lacked experience to treat patients with mental illnesses that were commonly seen in family practice. As a result, a few year after beginning my career in family medicine, I worked as a psychiatric fellow for several years."

The sentence above tells your experience better. If you compare both sentences, you can see that the reader can easily understand that you lacked experienced then you began to gain experience.

I hope this helps!
Sep 15, 2015

I can help you with some changes.

There were some missing words in the first paragraph:" I know this will be possible if I am granted..." In the last post, it seemed better separating a sentence in the paragraph. However, I think it is better to revise the sentence: "I believe this was so ground breaking for so many African Americans and minorities, because this word is so taboo and immensely used as an everyday name to address people positively or negatively."

2nd paragraph: You could use a hyphen when you use "well-versed".

3rd paragraph: When you mention the name of a doctor, you should describe him as having "an immense amount of knowledge ". The next sentence, place a comma after seminar and advisors.

4th paragraph: Delete the comma after "Although". In the first sentence, delete the words: atthecurrenttime . After you explain you mother's diagnoses, the next sentence should read: "When I heard this news, I worried about quitting school and moving closer to my mother because I love her dearly and would do anything for her. (I suggested joining these sentences because it is easier to revise and the reason for your choices is clear. You really love your mother!)

5th paragraph: In the first sentence, place a comma after time and add "I have family who reside in..."

6th paragraph: In the first sentence, add "an" before undergraduate.

I hope this helps!
Sep 14, 2015
Scholarship / Studying abroad Scholarship at Utrecht University (Netherlands) for Spring 2016 [2]

I can give you some suggestions. Since this is a study abroad program, you should state that you will be studying the Dutch language.

I was confused when I began reading about how you first learned about the Dutch. Here is a suggestion: "I remember during high school, when I first learned about the history the Netherlands in the 17th century. I learned that the Dutch economy flourished and the Dutch East India company existed."

The next paragraph, you should use commas. Here are some suggestions: 1st sentence-Place a comma after "me". 2nd sentence-Place a comma after "lifestyle". Last sentence-Place a comma after "better.

I hope this helps!
Sep 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / Rate, point out mistakes or suggest Improvement on my GRE Argument Task about Palea village [2]

I would like to give you some suggestions.

The first sentence in your response has a missing word "...draws conclusion based on those findings. There are two errors in the next sentence which can easily be corrected. First, this is a run-on sentence. If you separate your ideas or form two sentences, you will avoid this.

When you use "As a result", this is a good transition to help you form a new sentence. It presents a new idea that the authors arguments warrants more evidence. Also, there are some words you could delete before you form two sentences: "Although it seems logical, the author..." Do you mean significant leaps or significant errors?

2nd paragraph: There is a missing word "access to a boat". This is a really good analysis!

3rd paragraph: The third and fourth paragraph should be combined. Also, when you use words that help you make a transition, (i.e. Moreover, First, Secondly, Otherwise, and Thus) you should place a comma after these words.

There were some missing commas in the essay too. I can help you make some changes. Ex: "Without any evidence for or against this possibility, no accurate judgment can be made." The first part of this sentence is not a complete thought. Yet, the second part of the sentence is a complete thought. They are linked together to express your ideas better. There are some sentences like this throughout your essay.

Your ideas are good, but the commas will help your reader to understand you ideas better and help you avoid run-on sentences.

I hope this helps you!
Sep 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / Good job requires great communication skills - The Survey [5]

I can help you with some changes.

You have corrected many of the errors. Yet, there are a few errors that still exist. Here are some suggestions:

1st paragraph: The last sentence should have these changes" an indispensable determinant for working in 2006.

2nd paragraph: You should begin the paragraph with: "Regarding the data.."

3rd paragraph: You should make these changes: "In terms of communication, all of the figures increased over the time frame..."

You should begin the next sentence with: "At "The first year..."
Sep 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / These days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus to science, technology [5]

I would like to give you some suggestions.

In the first paragraph and third sentence, you can end the sentence with "technology". If you want to be more specific about forms of technology, you could give more details in the next paragraphs. Here is a suggestion for the word order of your last sentence:" These arguments will illustrate some reasons people are losing interest in art."

When you begin the next paragraph, I think you should change the word mechanical to "technological". When you give the example of a man you should state "his payments". You use the word mobiles. Would you like to use mobile phones? Here is a suggestion: "So people tend to use technology and avoid creative activities."

The third paragraph, you should separate these words: business person. Also, delete swallowsindifficulty and replace with "struggles".
Sep 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / Good job requires great communication skills - The Survey [5]

I would like to give you some suggestions.

You should be more specific in your first paragraph. The survey asked which communication skills were essential or important for their job. Also, be very specific about the years. The years are only 1997 and 2006.

The next sentence, you should list the year 1997, instead of stating the first year. Also make skill plural: "skills". The last sentence, you should place "an" before indispensable and delete overthe9yearperiod . You should use the year 2006. Since the survey was taken in two years, you can only compare those years. There were no results for the years in between 1997-2006.

The next paragraph state: "Regarding the data..." Make the word skill plural. Change the years to 1997 and 2006.

Last paragraph: Change this part of the first sentence: "all of the figures increased over the time frame." Begin the next sentence with another word:" The first year..."