lcturn87
Jul 15, 2015
Undergraduate / STELLAR ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE IN THE AISSE - Penn State Application Personal Statement [3]
I will help to assist you. Your writing is very descriptive. I could easily understand what you faced as a reader. This is an important quality to have even if there are errors present in your writing. I am going to help you condense or shorten your writing. First, I will begin by stating that you need to consider what details are more important to your story. This will be very difficult to decide. Let me give you a few questions to help you.
1) When you discuss the medicine in your biology book, is this a significant detail to include since you discuss technology?
2) After your seminar ended, could you exclude the dialogue you had over the phone and begin discussing that you took the examination?
3) If you end with national recognition, then will you forget to mention your desire to attend the university?
These are questions that will help you exclude or delete information. Also,what details will be vital to tell your story? At the end of your essay you should have at least some sentences that detail how this experience will reflect positively on your ability to succeed at the university. You mention that you didn't give up and believed in yourself. What will happen when you attend this university? Will you still believe in yourself? Has having little educational resources taught you the value of having resources and given you a determination to succeed in your continued studies? You will need a sentence that discusses how individuals can make the best of a bad situation and triumph in the future. Negative situations like you experienced don't have to define you, but could make you better or more determined to succeed.
Here are a few more suggestions:
1) Make sure you are at 500 words or less
2) I want you to revise this sentences in which you place parenthesis around words. When I started going to a good school in the city,next to the village, the villagers started to look at me with disdain. So, a smartphone, with the internet, was my only hope and source to get some of them. Place "a" before smartphone in the next sentence.
I will help to assist you. Your writing is very descriptive. I could easily understand what you faced as a reader. This is an important quality to have even if there are errors present in your writing. I am going to help you condense or shorten your writing. First, I will begin by stating that you need to consider what details are more important to your story. This will be very difficult to decide. Let me give you a few questions to help you.
1) When you discuss the medicine in your biology book, is this a significant detail to include since you discuss technology?
2) After your seminar ended, could you exclude the dialogue you had over the phone and begin discussing that you took the examination?
3) If you end with national recognition, then will you forget to mention your desire to attend the university?
These are questions that will help you exclude or delete information. Also,what details will be vital to tell your story? At the end of your essay you should have at least some sentences that detail how this experience will reflect positively on your ability to succeed at the university. You mention that you didn't give up and believed in yourself. What will happen when you attend this university? Will you still believe in yourself? Has having little educational resources taught you the value of having resources and given you a determination to succeed in your continued studies? You will need a sentence that discusses how individuals can make the best of a bad situation and triumph in the future. Negative situations like you experienced don't have to define you, but could make you better or more determined to succeed.
Here are a few more suggestions:
1) Make sure you are at 500 words or less
2) I want you to revise this sentences in which you place parenthesis around words. When I started going to a good school in the city,next to the village, the villagers started to look at me with disdain. So, a smartphone, with the internet, was my only hope and source to get some of them. Place "a" before smartphone in the next sentence.