Undergraduate / Trips to London ;Johns Hopkins Supp/ Interests [3]

Will, there is a disconnect between the opening story and the rest of the essay. You never did explain why your mom looked worried when the train left with you and your brother on board. Basically, the adventure tells the reviewer about your London exploits and how you enjoyed it and what you learned from it, but it doesn't tell the reviewer anything about you as a person. Who are you beyond this person who is always so academically inclined? This doesn't really reflect an interest on your part but rather, an expression of your continuing education. I think that if you remove the reference to "The Tube" and just focus on your trips to London and what you learned over several years about your personal development, as well as the increased academic interest on your part, the story will be one that better informs the reviewer about a side of you that the other prompts did not allow you to present. Focus on presenting either your personal and academic development or, make this a lighthearted essay about the time you spent on the Tube. Don't try to mix the two as it divides the focus of the essay and the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / The different condition of American town in 1948 and 1950 [4]

Antasena, you are required to post the image along with your essay for all your posts so that we can have a comparison point for your summary essay. It would seem though that you were able to summarize the image to a certain extent in the proper manner. However, the 154 word count doesn't help to establish the grammar range and accuracy of your work due to its brevity. For this type of essay, you must aim to write a maximum of 200 words in order to gain a higher score overall. Your paragraphs often fall short of the 3 sentence minimum requirement. This is why your essay seems to not fully inform the reader and offer a more complete analysis of the image your were provided for the essay. Do your best to create comparison points whenever possible and also, add a more personal touch to your writing so that you do not seem like you are merely rattling off the information as indicated. Such efforts will result in a higher GRA score on your part as well as an increased score possibility in the TA section.

Research Papers / Pressure on Teenagers to Go to College - Research Essay Draft [2]

Ashley, the main problem with your research paper at this point is that it is composed of more than 50% in-text citations. Should this paper be run through a plagiarism checker, it will be flagged as plagiarized. The only way to get around that problem, is to better develop the information in your sections and sub sections by utilizing personal experiences, opinions, and explanations of your researched information. Without the addition of your personal data and understanding, the essay takes on a purely textually researched approach which will not prove any true meaning or understanding of the research on your part. If you notice, each section of your research is no longer than a paragraph. A better researched paper will have at least 3 - 5 paragraphs per (sub) heading in order to show that the information is something that you believe in and support as a major piece of information regarding the topic in your essay. It would be best if you try to develop each section as best as you can in order to remove the possible plagiarism instances in the essay.

Undergraduate / "Applying for an exchange to CTU.. - Czech Technical University SOP [3]

Abhishek, remove the first paragraph from your essay. That is information that you should present in your personal statement. Its overall content does not reflect a specific purpose related to your current profession. Which leads me to my next advice. You must develop your professional experience int he statement of purpose in relation to the masters degree you wish to study. Since you do not have any professional experience indicated, it will be hard for the reviewer to determine whether you have the actual skills that apply to this field of study or not. Limit the discussion about your decision to attend CTU to two paragraphs towards the end of the essay. The statement of purpose should build a career related reason for your studies, in relation to the development of your current abilities or change of career (if such is the case). Your current SOP falls short of delivering on the required elements such as the professional career, college background, and relevant internships or seminars attended which helped you to realize that you have a need for higher academic training in this area. The information you provide should also help to highlight the reasons why this exchange program will benefit your future career. At the moment, I don't get a strong sense of that benefit from the essay. The SOP you wrote is weak and uninformed so it cannot help boost your application in any way. Improve the essay by presenting precise information as indicated above if you wish to gain a possibility of consideration for your application.

Letters / A plant breeder - my PhD cover letter [5]

Jasim, a cover letter is only supposed to offer an overview of the documents that you have attached. Your letter currently repeats information in the essays and documents that were required for submission. Adjusting the content of your letter is in order so that it will serve the purpose of a cover letter. This is done by removing specific paragraphs from the current version so that it will fall into the cover letter format. Remove paragraphs 4 and 5 from the letter because those are information specific parts. Better explanations of those paragraphs should be located within your personal statement and / or statement of purpose. The proper cover letter content comes into play with the use of the remaining paragraphs. It provides an overview of your data without repeating information, as is required of the cover letter. If you wish to, you may add personal information regarding your contact information in the cover letter. That can be added because you want to encourage the reviewer to give you a chance at a face to face interview after evaluating your submitted information.

Undergraduate / Physics major/ fitting with my interests/ my contribution; Why Columbia? [3]

Samuel, while the Ivy League colleges and universities in the United States are competitors, it is never a good idea to mention one or the other in comparison with another. They are still protective of one another in a way and do not take kindly to someone belittling their fellow school when that person is a mere applicant for admission. Remove the part where you mention other Ivy Leagues in your essay. Err on the side of caution and just stick to discussing why you chose to apply for admission to Columbia. Your essay is actually strong and engaging even without the mention of the other universities. Stick to highlighting the reasons you chose to Columbia and why you believe you will grow as a future professional under their academic guidance. There is no need to mention the other universities since they do not factor into the prompt discussion anyway.

Graduate / SOP for MSc in Renewable energy to DEVELOP THAILAND [2]

Derndinn, since your purpose for applying to this masters course has to do with a career change, you will need to do a number of things in order to write a proper statement of purpose. The first, is you have to discuss what your current career / profession is. Describe how this job relates to renewable energy sources and the kind of exposure that you have had in the field, based upon your current job.

The thing is, you cannot discuss your degree in Electrical Engineering the way that you have now. The discussion of your degree needs to somehow show an interest in alternative energy sources in order to somehow, make a connection with your interest in Renewable Energy. This is best done, not by detailing the discussion of your previous degree and accomplishments, but rather, delivering information as to how the course you took in college helped to fuel your desire to help develop renewable energy resources in your country. Remember, you do not have any direct experience in this field, so the only way that you can successfully apply for admission is if you can somehow show a relationship between electrical engineering and renewable energy.

There is a part in your essay where you discuss about new inventions and renewable energy. As an Electrical Engineer, you are in a very good position to experiment and help to develop these alternative and renewable energy sources. Play up that angle by discussing some ideas that you have for renewable energy development in your country, While you may not have the experience related to the course, proving that you have the passion to help develop this field and that you somehow have a usable ability to do so in the future just might work to your benefit when it comes time to consider all aspects of your application for MSc admission.

Graduate / Urban Design - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR GRADUATE APPLICATION FOR MASTERS [3]

Chizaram, you will need to adjust the start of your essay. Rather than saying you have been interested in urban planning since childhood, say instead that you developed an interest in urban planning after coming to question the differences in the American cities such as New York and your town of Bangalore. It is important that you make the reviewer believe that you developed this interest in high school because this is the point in time when the bad urban planning of your city will have had a direct impact upon your development as a person and offer you an ambition regarding your profession. You cannot say that you have had this interest since childhood because the reviewer knows for a fact that a child has no ability to see the problems in urban planning and design, but a high school student just might see the potential problems and wish to resolve it.

Aside from the problem with your first paragraph presentation, the rest of the essay provides a good overview of information that you will be developing as talking points within your statement of purpose. You just need to add a quick reference to the university you have chosen and what criteria you used in deciding to attend that university. The reviewer is definitely interested in learning what it was about their university that made you feel that they have the best Urban planning and design graduate school. It is part and parcel of the personal statement. A brief discussion will suffice. You can further build upon the discussion, like I said, in the statement of purpose. Adjusting these parts will help to better focus the discussion of your essay and explain important aspects regarding the development of your interest in Urban Planning and Design.

Scholarship / Supporting Statement for AAS 2018, Media and Communication Studies [6]

1. You need to shorten your response. There is a repetition of information between the first and second paragraphs. Create a tighter and more informative response by presenting the second paragraph first and just incorporating information from the first paragraph into it. This will allow for the focus of the reviewer to center on your professional needs instead. Your new second paragraph needs to indicate the criteria by which you chose your 2 university options. What specific needs in your profession did the university have to fulfill in order to become part of your top choices? Explain how you decided to choose each university or the 3 universities collectively.

2. You need to pick only 2 universities and then revise your response. You need to provide some potential, real world application for what you will be learning. Right now, the response that you have sounds like you have not thoroughly considered how you will be applying these theoretical learning in your career. Once you finalize your university choices, you should be able to properly revise your response to be less hypothetical and more work application based. Strengthen this part by imparting information about your actual work problems so that you can have an actual application indicated for the lessons you will be learning. The creation of a professional scenario in contribution to your career allows your work experience to better support your application.

3. The story you presented does not show any actual challenge that you had to overcome. It sounds more like a simple office rules adjustment that did not really challenge your leadership skills. Try to find a story in your work history that had you overcoming adversity instead. This doesn't really impress the reviewer as a work challenge story.

4. This is the only part of your responses that does not require any adjustment. It works just fine in my opinion. You can keep that part as is because it is a thorough discussion of the prompt requirement.

As for the question about your thesis proposal, you should inquire from the AAS if you should submit a research proposal or not. It seems like it will all depend upon how much research work is required in your chosen course. The AAS people will be the ones who can best clarify your uncertainty in that aspect.

Graduate / Personal Statement - Operations Research & Analytics/Business Analytics for university in the UK [2]

Hao, you must skip the presentation of paragraph 3-6 in this essay because that information is not required in a personal statement. Transfer that information to your statement of purpose instead. This particular essay should only showcase the development of your interest in business analytics and nothing more. You will better establish that by not confusing the presentation with the inclusion of your academic background. With the removal of those paragraphs, you should replace the information with a discussion regarding the university and why you chose to attend there. Include reasons such as any potential internship programs they have, maybe there is a research lab that you can use to better familiarize yourself with the various aspects of big data collection, or, there is a student networking program that can help you develop professional contacts. Present a balanced academic, and social consideration when it came to choosing the university. Say some things about the university that will show your excitement about attending the upcoming semester there. Make sure that you portray the image of a student who has done his homework in terms of university choices so that your decision will seem like the best one that you could have made for your academic career.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS TASK 2 - Topic: Paper NEWS importance [3]

Dat, your essay is really very confusing to read because you use connecting words where it is not necessary. One example of the misplaced use of connecting words is in your opening statement's sentence #2. When you use connecting words unnecessarily, such as in the instance of the 2nd sentence, you end up writing a sentence that does not make any sense because there is no meaning to it. There is no clear subject and predicate indicated in the developed thought. Therefore, the viewer is left highly confused by what you are trying to say.

Next, you took the second paragraph and discussed all of the possible topics for discussion, in support of your statement there. That is never the right approach because you end up just giving information without really explaining how this supports your point of view. When writing an opinion essay, it is not the quantity of evidence that you present, but the quality of the evidence that you present which is important. Delivering one ore two properly explained and developed stands for your discussion will be more than sufficient. However, these need to be delivered as highly developed individual paragraphs and not as a continuous paragraph discussion. Aim for at least a 4 paragraph discussion presentation at all times.

Finally, the conclusion you developed is too short. Always stick to the required minimum of 3 sentences and make sure that you accurately summarize the previous discussion for the conclusion. You did an acceptable job with your conclusion. It would have been better though if you had presented at least 3 sentences in it for a higher possible overall score.

Writing Feedback / Fastfood is good or bad for our lives? [5]

Phong, you have a very solid opening statement. It gives the reader the idea that you are actually responding properly to the prompt requirement because you delivered an almost grammatically accurate representation of the original topic for discussion and the method by which you have to discuss it. As i rad your essay, I noticed that you used the name of a fast food restaurant that is exclusive to your area of the world. I suggest that you do not do that in your succeeding essays. As the examiner may or may not be familiar with certain things based upon your home country, it is always best for you to use more popular and international examples that most people might be familiar with. For example, aside from KFC, you could have used McDonald's, Wendy's, and Burger King, among others as examples of fast food restaurants. As for your conclusion, it could have been better written if you did not say "By way of conclusion" and instead said "In conclusion" instead. Also, a better wrap up of the essay is necessary since you are required to properly restate the discussion, reasons, and personal opinions yet again. Your conclusion did not accurately do that and also, came up very short in the minimum 3 sentence requirement for these essays.

Writing Feedback / Sentence Outline- Top 7 Steps To Make Your IoT More Secure [2]

Roy, your steps 2 and 3 are redundant. If you read the outlines very well, you will discover that you merely restated the same information in different methods twice. It does not add new information nor expand upon the previous information. You may want to rethink that part of the outline to offer some other information related to the security of the IoT. The topics that you have outline for discussion in the 4th to last outline are better suited for the discussion and avoids redundancies. So those paragraphs can be developed in your research with more efficiency than numbers 2 and 3. The information is delivered in a clear and understandable manner at this point. It is not so technical that only computer experts can understand what you are saying. It is understandable to even those with a limited computer background. Anybody who has a computer or an android phone will understand what the essay is about.

Writing Feedback / Which is better for children? to grow up in the countryside or in a big city? [3]

Pirfena, when you write a TOEFL essay, you are expected to present your discussion in a particular paragraph format. Your essay doesn't follow the required presentation that requires you to do the following:

1. Present the paraphrased topic statement and instructions for the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. You may state your agreement or disagreement in this part of the essay.

2. Discuss the dissenting / opposing / disagreeing opinion using the first person pronouns "I, me".
3. Discuss the supporting opinion as per the prompt reasoning.
4. Discuss your personal opinion that agrees with the aforementioned opinion.
5. Conclude the discussion by presenting the summarized facts and a repetition of your opinion.

One of the problems that I saw in your essay is your tendency to discuss more than one reason per paragraph. As a rule of thumb, you are to present only one discussion per paragraph because you only have 5 sentences with which to defend your stance. Any additional reasons should be presented in a separate, fully developed paragraph. You must not present more than one opinion per paragraph because that results in an under developed paragraph or confusing paragraph if your command of the English language is not strong. That will cause stress for the reader, who may get confused and in the process, lower your possible score.

Essays / 5 paragraph essay on Louis Riel [2]

Kaylee, the best way for you to write this essay is to first, do some research into the background of Louis Reil. Where was he born and what was his life experience? If you can reconcile his place of birth, childhood and adulthood with the development of his mindset in terms of political and social beliefs, then you should be able to write the essay without a problem. It is short enough for only a quick research project but requires a long research process. Not to worry though, a quick internet search will offer you more than enough resources to find at least 5 reasons as to why Riel is a hero and not a traitor. Use the most accurate sources such as those that end with .ca, .gov, .edu. Those are the academically accepted sources of online information. I hope i was able to at least point you in the right direction to get your research started. Good luck!.

Scholarship / Personal statement for Loughborough University graduate school african trust fund [3]

Olorunwa, the personal statement is okay but lacks a presentation of the relevance of your studies to the programs that the scholarship supports. Why do you believe that you deserve a scholarship from this foundation? How does the foundation interests tie in with your personal or professional goals? There is a lack of depiction as to how the scholarship can really help you become a future success. It has to be more than just a mere mention at the end of the essay. It should be an integral part of the opening statement or, presented in the second paragraph at the very latest. Present it in accordance with your work experience if possible. Your academic performance is a good indication of the kind of student that you will become. However, as a masters student, you need to also show how your professional side supports the need for these studies. Exemplary employees are also considered a potential leader in his field because of the way that he applies his theoretical learning to his work conditions. If the scholarship committee can make the connection between all of these factors, you may come across as more deserving of the scholarship.

Research Papers / Caffeine: Friend or Foe? In the perspective of the child, the adult, and the elderly. [2]

Amber, I firmly believe that your thesis statement in the first paragraph needs more work. Try to find a more interesting approach to the introduction of your topic. The thesis statement is expected to deliver a clear background of the upcoming discussion in a specific manner. In academic circles, it not an accepted practice to start using cited information or offering specific data, based upon sources, in the thesis statement. It is best to save the citations for your second paragraph in order to create an academic presentation of your research paper. The rest of your essay doesn't really come across as redundant and your transition sentences are acceptable. You don't have to worry so much about the later content of your essay as much as you do perfecting your introductory statement. The whole premise of the essay can be build upon that paragraph and ensure that the reader will be glued to what you have to say until the very end. Or, it can be as it is now, not really engaging, and not really preparing the reader for the discussion to come. Work on your "hook" and the rest of the essay will fall into place.

Letters / Reconsidering my application - how to write a good appeal for sdsu? [3]

Tammy, the tone of your letter is too informal for an appeal letter. this must carry a serious and acadmeic tone at all times because you will be presenting this letter to education professionals such as professors and deans of departments. Therefore, a high degree of respect for their positions must be evident in your letter. Since you are applying for reconsideration, you should mention when you first applied and the reasons (if any), for your rejection as per their previous communication with you. Aside from that, you should also mention how you have improved your grades and other circumstances that prevented your previous admission. These parts should have least a paragraph each representing your discussion. This current essay of yours needs to shorten the reasons why you want to attend SDSU. Your desire to attend is already evident through the re-application process and your improvements as a student in order to be considered a worthy applicant this time around. Don't talk about what makes SDSU unique. The reviewers already know that. Just focus on the reasons why they should opt to allow you to enroll this time around. After all, a student slot at the university is coveted, so explain why you deserve a slot this semester when you did not qualify before.

Writing Feedback / "The importance of biodiversity" task 2 writng module IELTS [4]

Sabrena, the prompt discussion and instructions are not clear in your opening statement. The outline for discussion is not logically presented. Additionally, you are not arguing in this essay but rather, presenting ideas. Therefore to say that your essay will "argue suggestions" creates a conflict. A suggestion cannot be argued because an argument indicates a disagreement on at least two sides of the discussion which, in this case, doesn't exist as you did not mention any conflicting sides in your opening statement.

Make it a habit to only present one idea for discussion per paragraph. That is because you only have 5 sentences at the most with which to discuss your reasons. Presenting a second idea within the same paragraph is not possible as you will be unable to fully develop your reasons for that discussion. More importantly, please make sure that you do not deviate from the prompt requirement, as you did in the second paragraph, by presenting a secondary, unrelated topic for discussion.

The rest of your argument seems to be acceptable and allows for a logical flow of thought. While the grammar is problematic, your discussion is not so blurred that the reader will not be able to understand what you are saying. The discussion is acceptable and understandable.

Undergraduate / 'I have been an average student'; SOP - Good, Bad or Ugly [3]

Lakshyadeep, this is a good draft for a statement of purpose. You need to make adjustments in your essay in terms of the way that your academic experience in business and management was replaced by actual work experience. You need to go into greater detail as to the reasons why you were unable to complete your prior college education stint. Since you are what could be considered as a "dropout", the fact that you wish to continue your studies is a very important factor in your application. If you can highlight your work experience first, then the reasons as to why you require a college diploma will take a more imperative turn. At the moment, there are no extenuating circumstances that could convince the reviewer that the purpose of your application is a necessary part of your current job requirement. Your second paragraph slightly deals with this topic but you did not build the conflict enough in the paragraph to warrant the need for a diploma. At this point, your concern should not be pursuing an MBA yet. Rather, the focus of your purpose should be self-improvement in order to gain more professional opportunities. The MBA will come far down the road, possibly after 2-5 years work experience. So there is no need to present that target for yourself at the moment. While it does prove a sincerity on your part in relation to gaining a degree, it is not the end goal of your undergraduate studies. The end game of the undergraduate studies is first and foremost, to find a good job or, to secure future promotions. Discuss your future career plans in relation to your undergraduate completion instead. Close the essay by explaining why this university in particular will be able to help you achieve your future professional goals. Remember, you have the practical experience already. All you need to do is explain why you still need the theoretical basis of learning at the moment.

Writing Feedback / Cars on road, climate, and the level of pollution in many cities. [2]

Mayank, save for a number of grammatical problems related to sentence structure and lexical resources, you have presented a somewhat impressive essay. The prompt paraphrasing and discussion presentation in the first paragraph is very acceptable and allowed the reader to gain a sense of what to expect as per your upcoming discussions. You seem to have a problem with the use of capital letters though. You often use it in the wrong areas of the sentences. Just remember that only the first letter of a word at the start of a new sentence needs to be capitalized. Everything else after that, unless considered a proper noun, need not capitalize the first letter of the word. Your discussion is sound and does not cause the reader too much stress. Your English sentence structure is simple enough to get your message across accurately. You should be proud of the work that you did here. I think it can easily score a 5 with this kind of essay.

Scholarship / Being one of doctors - "the saviours of humanity". [3]

Tarik, your first paragraph is extremely long. This poses a formatting problem in your essay because you created a page that is extremely difficult to read. It would be in your best interest to format the essay into paragraph topics, as required by the normal personal statement format. However, I have to caution you about the content of your essay. It appears that this is more of a statement of purpose rather than a personal statement. For a personal statement, you need to explain only the following:

1. A history of the development of your interest in Medicine. You covered this in the first part of your extremely long paragraph.
2. Mention one or two extra curricular activities that you participate in, in relation to your medical studies. Limit the presentation because most of these will be used to beef up your statement of purpose. Just establish that you dedicated your life to the medical profession.

3. Discuss why you chose a particular university to study at. Remember to pick a university that is within the Erasmus Mundus network of schools otherwise, it may be difficult for your to get consideration for the scholarship.

4. Explain how you came to the decision to apply for the Erasmus Mundus scholarship among all of the scholarships available to you. How do you expect the scholarship to help you and how do you hope to pay homage to them in the future after your graduation? Discuss these as your closing statement.

Refocus your essay to sound more like a personal statement using the instructions above. Don't forget to register your essay as "Urgent" when you post your revised version so that I can continue to guide you.

Writing Feedback / How to support developing countries ? [3]

Linh, your opening statement is incomplete as you did not properly represent that your opinion will be discussed in the body of the essay as indicated by the prompt requirement. In the outline of the opening statement, you need to present the paraphrased topic along with the instructions for the body paragraph discussion. Therefore, the two points of view plus your personal opinion should have comprised the outline in paragraph one. Towards the end, your opinion should always be presented as a stand alone paragraph and never as a part of the concluding statement. The concluding statement should not contain anything more than the summarized body of discussion and a restatement of your personal opinion. New information cannot be included in a concluding statement as it is normally used to closed the essay. Hence, there is no space to fully develop additional information if it is presented in that section. Overall, this essay looks like it can garner you a 4 as a final score. The score is based upon my above observations.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 - An increasing trend of living or studing abroad [4]

To, towards the conclusion, you used the term "personally" which indicates that you opinion was being asked for in the essay. The prompt you provided did not indicate the need for a personal opinion. Therefore, your conclusion should not have reflected a personal opinion, only a generalized point of view regarding the situation. The overall essay doesn't really have much problems aside from a need for you to learn to use transition sentences in a proper manner. Sometimes, your paragraphs lack a clear thought progression but that is alright because your thought process is clear anyway. That is not to say that you should not practice thought progression though. You absolutely must try to develop a chronological thought presentation in all your essays. This essay shows some more improvement in your essay writing development. I believe that you can score a 5 at the most with this essay. Keep up the good work and try to avoid the mistakes that you made in this particular essay in the future.

Writing Feedback / Flowers are something I feel; One thing to represent human race [2]

Jenny, this is not a bad first attempt at a draft. The idea of sending a flower to another planet is interesting. However, you should not just say "flowers" or "flower" in general. Each flower, as you describe, is just like a human being, with different personalities, features, and purposes for its existence. So, if you want to better focus the essay in order to make it more meaningful, choose a series of flowers to send that you feel share human traits or describe human beings. Don't generalize the approach because the aliens will not have any idea that flowers are different from one another. We know that, but they don't. So you should either pick a set of flowers and name them or, pick one flower that you feel best represents the human race. In my opinion though, since man is a helpful species, I would not send flowers but plants instead. That is because plants represent the good in man. For example, I would send an Aloe Vera plant because has healing purposes like a human doctor. As such, it would help to explain a few human traits such as being a healer and giving life. It gives life because it its leaves can be eaten, thus giving man life sustenance. A cactus plant, can represent both the good and bad in man because when threatened, it can cause injury. When dealt with properly, it offers water and relief to the thirst person. Or something like that. I think plants would better describe humans than flowers in another planet. That is just a suggestion for your consideration. A good effort overall though. I just think it should be better directed than this in terms of discussion.

Research Papers / Facebook usage among undergraduate students - research study introduction [3]

Linh, I feel that the introductory thesis statement needs to be revised. Since the focus of your report concentrates on the effects of Facebook usage among students, the opening statement should focus on that point. You can build the foundation of your research on how the social media platforms are often used by students in place of actual group study meetings. The social media platform has actually taken the place of a number of academic related endeavors such as poll taking, survey responses, and interviews. While the messenger system of Facebook has been often used as a file sharing service as well. By establishing that social media, Facebook in particular, actually has positive results for serious students, you can then question why Facebook usage among students has a tendency to result in lower grades as well. Doing a side by side comparison study of the benefits and drawbacks of Facebook among students will help you to better explain why the overuse of Facebook can have detrimental effects on students.

Scholarship / Graduate Marketing Degree - Scholarship personal statement [3]

Rihanna, for starters, a personal statement is not written in the form of a letter unless it indicated that you do so. It takes the form of an informative essay that develops the presentation of the growth of your interest in a specific field. There is no sense in mentioning that your parents are divorced in this letter. That is irrelevant since you have already established that you are a working student who does not look to others for financial support. Normally, a personal statement should indicate why you chose to attend a particular university for your MA degree, even if it is for a scholarship because the scholarship may or may not have a partnership with the said academic institution. So you should include the reason why you chose your university. From there, end the essay by explaining how you hope the scholarship can help you achieve your academic ambitions. After you revise the essay, double check the actual prompt requirements that you were given so that you can be sure that you did not include any irrelevant information or if you forgot to present information that is required for your application.

Writing Feedback / Should children do household chares? [3]

Huynh, I am very sad to tell you that the only score this essay can get is 1 in the actual TOEFL test. The reasons for this are numerous. The first is the confusing presentation of the paraphrased prompt requirements in your opening statement. A native English speaker, the examiner in this case, will develop a case of undue stress based upon your questionable response to the prompt requirement and thoroughly problematic English sentence development. Your grammar does not make sense in most instances and thus, does not help to develop an explanation for your purpose. Additionally, you did not properly represent the prompt requirement that dictates that you agree or disagree with the statement first, then provide examples. The opinion should have been delivered no later than the beginning of the second paragraph. In this instance, there was no opinion coming from you at all. So, based upon the grammar problems and formatting problems, as well as a clear lack of English understanding, the essay cannot be given a passing mark at all.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS Task2: Topic Food products. Imported or local? [3]

Nguyen, your opening statement falls short of the examiner's expectations. You failed to properly develop the paragraph by showing a clear paraphrasing of the prompt and the outline for the discussion. Your short, 2 sentence presentation does not effectively introduce the upcoming discussion. Next time, make sure to review the prompt requirements against your opening statement. Ensure that all of the required elements are represented properly and that the discussion outline is clear. By the way, you don't need to place a period between paragraphs. A simple line break using the enter key will be sufficient. You could lose points for misplaced punctuation marks. Just write the essay as you would normally write a paper for school.

Your line of reasoning is appropriate and informs the reader in a proper manner. There are definite problems with the grammar that has a definite effect on your grammar range score but the fact that the meaning somehow comes across clearly helps to improve your score in that section. However, your concluding statement is a different case.

A concluding statement just simply be a summation of the discussion. That said, your conclusion must represent the prompt discussion requirements, your reasons, and then your suggestions for how to solve the problem. It should also have a minimum of 3 sentences, like the opening statement. So your final paragraph was not able to help boost your essay in terms of the final score. I think you won't get higher than a 5 for this essay.

Scholarship / 6th NIDA summber camp 2017 on "Sustainable Community Development" In Thailand. [3]

Shamsher, it seems that you have mistaken the concept of the essay for a research paper. There was no need for you to define "Sustainable community development" because the reviewer already knows about that. You then preceded to explain the background of the term and the possible concept attached to it. While I admire you for wanting to explain these things to the reviewer, what you did or what you created was not a response to the prompt but a very well crafted explanatory essay. If the prompt is correct and you were supposed to write about the importance of sustainable community development, then you should have done a present and forward thinking essay regarding how this concept is being applied at present and how it can be applied in the future. By explaining the present and future applications, you would be able to properly explain the importance of sustainable community development to the evolution of human society and communities. My opinion is that you should draft a new essay. There is nothing in this current essay that you can use because, like I said, it is nothing more than an explanation of the term. What the reviewer needs from you is a personal definition and explanation of the concept rather than the textbook definition and discussion.

Writing Feedback / SOLUTIONS ON CLIMATE CHANGE [5]

Linh, the approach to this essay is one that requires you to pick only one side and discuss / defend it within the essay discussion you are presenting. Your opinion, in agreement or disagreement must be chosen and represented towards the end of the opening statement. The keyword "agree" or "disagree" with the statement provided needed to be clear by using the keyword. Since the discussion that you presented in the paraphrasing portion, also known as the first paragraph, did not accurately represent the side you are supporting via a simple statement such as "I agree with the statement to a certain degree for a number of reasons." or "I disagree with the statement based on a number of factors.", the rest of the essay was then affected and represented the discussion in an incorrect manner. The reason your discussion became incorrect, is because you ended up discussing the two sides of the matter, and then offering an unsupported opinion and dissent in the concluding part of the essay. These discussion movements are not within the required discussion presentation of your essay. The whole discussion then became faulty when compared to the original prompt. This resulted in a score of 3 for the overall essay. You have to understand, once you fail the task accuracy portion, it will be extremely difficult for you to increase your scores in the remaining criteria.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL IBT Independent Writing: Owning smart phones or not? Your point of view [3]

Hai, you misunderstood the prompt instructions and as such, delivered a related but inadequately presented essay discussion of the topic. This misrepresentation caused your score to fall to a 3. The explanation for this is simple, you were asked to discuss which point of view you believe is better. Instead, you discussed the harm and damage that cellphone use can cause children. What you should have done in the opening statement, was depict which point of view you supported and then explained why in the succeeding paragraphs. If you review your essay, you will find that you did not accomplish the task properly. For some reason though, your conclusion managed to get back on track in the proper discussion of the prompt requirements. The problem, is that the discussion did not belong in the conclusion and your earlier paragraphs already created the mistaken discussion that caused the low score.

Writing Feedback / People can be closer eachother. How Internet affect on our life? [6]

Phong, please provide the complete original prompt so that your essay can be accurately reviewed based on all the band criteria. Thank you.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Pros and cons of studying abroad [2]

Dang, supply the full prompt for this essay please as it cannot be accurately reviewed without it.

Letters / Canada Visit - Reply a friend's invitation. [2]

Dang, your letter should be better developed than this. All of your paragraphs are too short and do not really contain developed discussions. Since this is a letter replying to a friend's invitation, there should be more elements represented such as how you imagine what it would be like to sleep in tents, cooking at the campfire, and shopping. Clarify points such as what you plan to do upon arrival at your friend's house (prior to attending camp) such as shopping. Make some definite plans to further enjoy the visit before, during, and after camp. Keep an eye out for your grammar use as well. I am sure you meant to say "several" and not "sever". When you say other plans can be arranged later, make mention of what these possible plans might be. Overall, the letter is really mechanical in nature because of the obvious way that you delivered the prompt requirements. There is a lack of personal connection between you and the person you are addressing, which makes the letter less friendly and more professional in approach. Perhaps you can score a 5 with this essay but no more than that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Passing high school competency exams, by subject and gender, from 2010 to 2011 [2]

Ani, when you write a chart summary essay, never use fractions to describe the measurements that are given in actual percentage figures in the chart. Writing a summary requires you to deliver accurate figures, based upon the given illustration. Therefore, the essay that you wrote does not fall within the proper format. It tends to deliver unconfirmed "estimates" because of the method of your data presentation. The accurate and acceptable presentation would be to deliver the actual percentages at all times. That removes the "guesstimate" that your essay currently has. There is no need for you to be citing "approximates" in the essay when the bar graphs have the percentage conversions indicated. Always use the provided data in the illustration. Do not make up the figures because that causes an inaccurate and improper essay. It does not properly inform the reader. I know that you were trying to show off your complex sentence abilities and you tried to develop a higher level of discussion. However, the information that you were provided prevents you from doing that. You could have done that in Task 2, but never in Task 1 because you are provided with ample information for your summary presentation. Due to the way that you developed the essay and the problems that it presented, I do not think that you can score higher than a 4 with this version for the reasons I previously mentioned.

Undergraduate / The Transition - 500 word college application essay [2]

Zade, the essay accurately responds to the second prompt requirement. It is highly informative and shows how your original home state helped to shape the person that you are today. However, that is not the only culture or environment that helped you to hone the person you have become. It would be better for your essay if you include a reference as to how your current town or city has helped you to continuously shape your personality and character. After all, you did not stop developing and growing when you left your original community. In my opinion, you should use the move to illustrate your response to both points being discussed in the 2 prompts. That is because the focus of the "bump" in the road, the "move" actually delivers a clear idea of the circumstances you had to face and how you dealt with it. The dealt with it part is what you should develop in the essay. By discussing your mother in the essay and her medical problem, you totally shifted the focus of the essay from yourself, to your mother. The essay became part about you and mostly about your mother. The only important character in this essay is you. So revise the part about your mother if you wish to make reference to her in the essay. Discuss instead how her illness affected you academically and personally. Then explain how you overcame that obstacle once she received proper treatment. Right now, your exposure in that discussion is a mere footnote in the overall discussion and that should not be.

Writing Feedback / "Pen and Paper Exams - IELTS exam task 2 [3]

Maya, as a discussion essay, I believe that this can garner you a score of about 6. That is because your overall discussion shows a clear understanding of the prompt requirements and the various discussions that surround the given topic. While the grammar is not perfect, it allows the reader to understand your message in a somewhat accurate manner. The examples provided are logical and helps to illustrate your grammar accuracy skills. However, there is a problem with your format. The opening statement is too short and the closing statement is just one long sentence. Both must be comprised of at least 3 sentences. So do not use comma's to separate your thoughts, use periods instead. So, even though you wrote 333 words, it did not help because you did not follow the formatting requirements that would have benefited from the increased word count. That said, you still did a pretty good job and could score a bit higher than just passing in this instance, all things considered.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS TASK 2 - Topic: Tourism - influence for visited places. [6]

Dat due to the fact that you were being asked to discuss the negative effects of tourism throughout the essay and you chose to discuss the positive effects of tourism, with barely a reference to the negative effects, you proved that you cannot score more than a 3 on this essay. There is a clear lack of understanding on your part when it came to the discussion requirements provided by the prompt.

Your essay discussed the positive effects of tourism throughout most of the essay, which was the exact opposite of the prompt instructions. You were expected to focus on the negative effects discussion. Therefore, even though you wrote almost 300 words, the length of the essay did not help you because you failed to properly paraphrase, outline, and discuss the subject you were provided.

The grammar development and presentation of the essay is also a problem since your opening statement did not provide the minimum sentence count, the second paragraph should have been divided into two paragraphs since two topics were being discussed in one paragraph, and your concluding statement did not properly represent the concluding requirements either. More importantly, when you tried to discuss the proper prompt requirement in the essay you accidentally said:

"What can tourist do to increase the disadvantage effects of tourism?"

When the correct question would have been:

"What can tourist do to decrease the disadvantageous effects of tourism?"

It does not make sense for one to wish to increase the disadvantages of tourism. Specially when the prompt focus is on how to reduce the harmful effects of tourism.

Writing Feedback / Railroads vs Road Budget - IETLS CAMBRIDGE 11 TASK 2 [5]

Khoa, you can actually score a 5 with this essay. The strongest part of your essay was your properly developed paraphrasing and opinion statement at the beginning. This good paragraph earned you a pretty decent score in the Task Accuracy portion of the test. It showed a clear understanding of the instructions and also added a unique outline touch by indicating that you will be discussing the reasons supporting your opinion. While the major discussion points had imperfect grammar, there was a clear sense of what you were trying to explain to your reader. However, there were times, such as in the second to the last paragraph when the essay lost focus and thought organization resulting in a lack of overall progression in the discussion. Try to discuss only one reason at a time and do not introduce new information within the same paragraph. A single presentation per paragraph always allows for the best discussion development as the focus of the reader is concentrated on one reason alone. This also allows you to better explain yourself and develop a stronger English presentation. The conclusion was problematic though because it fell short of the required paragraph number (3) and tried to present underdeveloped new ideas as additional discussion points instead of just concluding the essay by using the expected method of a discussion summation and concluding presentation. Anyway, you still did good work since you developed over 260 words for the essay. Way over the 250 minimum requirement. Remember though, each paragraph needs at least 3 sentences to qualify as an academic paragraph. You fell short of that requirement once in this essay.