Writing Feedback / [IELTS - Task 1]; French Dialects - report writing [2]

You should have uploaded the graphs. Make sure you do so in your next post so that others can give you more relevant comments.


.... this line is very confusing, especially when you don't have access to the graphical representation, it is very difficult to understand what you are trying to say.



... this has many issues; first, this line is too long that disturbs your flow of ideas. Also the clarity of your ideas is at a very low level, plus grammar issues also can be seen . You better re-phrase this line with two or three short lines.

Essays / HOCKEY is a hard-hitting Sport; "The School of Fight" [4]


.... this has an issue - roles are generally played and therefore it sounds slightly awkward for me here. Also why you say at all times? ... I guess you better re-phrase this line



father of 13-year old Tyson / 13- year old Tyson's father



You need to pay attention to grammar mistakes here

Undergraduate / Feeling hopeless and scared when no one comes in aid; pivotal moment in my life [3]


Imagine feeling hopeless and scared when you are alone and no one comes in your aid


.... Sounds like you are repeating the same idea.... Better avoid the latter part


.... this is a little bit confusing for me. You were not allowed to drop Biology as well as you were not allowed to re-take? Sounds a bit confusing for me :(


I felt angry, depressed and more than everything I was lost without any hope.

Letters / Reference letter for a graduate student for position of Assistant Professor [3]


... Generally, it is better that you tell them for how long you've been known this person and in what capacity you knew her. The latter you have addressed, but not the first. This is my suggestion;

It is with great pleasure that I recommend Dr Susan Hofmann for the position of Assistant Professor in your department. I have been knowing Susan for xx years and I had been her professor during her graduate studies. She is one of my very best students and I have no hesitation in recommending her for this position.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 Distant learning as opposed to conventional way of learning [4]


this is fine.... however, this is what I suggest;
It is obvious that many educational institutions now focus on offering more flexible solutions to their students in terms of geographical and time barriers. Distant learning has emerged as one of the best solutions in that respect.

Excellent introduction :)
Yep... not only the intro, even your entire essay displays an excellent structure, very clever arguments and great presentation. You need not to worry about IELTS at all :D

Writing Feedback / " The Best Things in Life are Free" ; Yes, this is very true! [5]


As the time passed by, I realize the depth of her words.


.... this is not very clear.... what do you mean by " we are reading others' mind" ?


... good idea :)


... here you are using "you" and "we" both. Stick to one form; it reads better and the reader would be distracted otherwise.

Scholarship / Dreaming to be a successful business manager;Motivation letter- SCHOLARSHIP,Economics [2]

In the letter of Motivation, it is very important to talk about your professional goals; Rather, you need to talk about both short and long term goals. It is not very illustrative here and I suggest you to pay more attention to that. What you aim to gain with this studies in the short run? And in the long run?


... very interesting. I like the way you end it :)

Scholarship / resolve challenge of central Highland- SCHOLARSHIP [2]



So, I together with other members in our research team prepared project proposals such as using enzyme in coffee wet processing and stage of cacao fermentation.


.... we faced with a big challenge of finding qualified labor.



... this is not wrong; but I think "obsolete" is a better keyword;
....data were quite obsolete

Undergraduate / I am cracking my head to figure out what is property and real estate - NUS App [2]


... it is not clear as to why she had you experience this.... Set up a link. For example, say that you were interested and she took you to a meeting as an observer. If you have a word count issue, you may remove the information that you give about your sister's workplace. It is not really relevant for this answer.

Scholarship / Cacao is the main crop of Central Highlands; Australia Scholarship [3]


.... since you used the word "main", I assume there are paragraphs prior to this one that talk about cacao.


Although it has a high economic value, its full potential has not been utilized yet to get the maximum contribution towards the economy.



... This sentence needs improvement in its presentation;
In my understanding, Australia is in possession of advance technologies and techniques of cacao processing and producing chocolates.


This part too is very confusing. You better re-phrase this

Writing Feedback / People with disabilities - Term Paper_Inclusive Culture in Early Childhood Classroom [4]

Well.... You need to post your draft essay here for others to provide comments.
To get about this essay, I suggest you to categorize these experiences into three groups; physical, social and emotional. So, you can have three body paras under each category explaining what they are and contrasting them with today and earlier.

Do your draft and post it .... We'll help you with improving :)

Writing Feedback / In my opinion, parents are the best teachers! personal approach [4]


.... This is not wrong, but I feel it is good to introduce the topic in your first two lines and then state your opinion.


I think you can present this better :)
Overall, this is a very good essay.... excellent structure, ideas, presentation .... you surely can go for a very good score :)
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / How can governments and individuals reduce the rate of accidents? IETLS [3]


As a result too many damages have been caused and lives been claimed.


.... This really does not add any value to your essay. It reads better without this line.



Obviously, if governments increase penalty fees on breaking traffic laws, it would alert people to be more cautious and obey the traffic rules.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Loosing Traditional Values is no matter? [5]

I saw a thread under the same title by norman75.

Writing Feedback / Why do I study English? For different reasons [2]


.... the idea you try to convey is not very clear. Do you mean that students do not feel confident in speaking English though they have sufficient English knowledge?


There are some people who score very well at exams, but when it comes to express their ideas in English they struggle a lot due to lack of confidence and practice.

What is the purpose of this writing? For a speech?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: distance learning course vs traditional face-to-face course [3]


... I feel plural sounds better :)


.... Very good point... My suggestion;
...., that enables greater flexibility for both students and teachers in terms of time and geographic locations.
You write very well... Make sure you provide specific examples for your reasons.
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / ielts:why school students feel just much stress and its effects [2]


... This needs improvement in its presentation;
Along with the development of human society, there came a new set of problems and high level of stress that people suffer is one such problem.



The essence of all these reasons is the severe competition that exists in the society of which the students also have become victims. I think it's good to have mentioned about the "competition"

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Who should be responsible for our old people? [3]


.... I wish if you presented this in a more simple way.;
This issue has aroused concerns of many people and some argue that children should primarily be responsible for taking care of their parents in their old age while the others claim it is a responsibility of the government.

Also it is better if you state your opinion in the introduction itself. That helps you navigating your examiner in your desired direction :)


.... what do you mean by young's parents? It is also not grammatically correct.


every child / all children
You need to pay attention to the essay structure. You should have at least 4 paragraphs ( including introduction, 2 body paras, conclusion), minimum 250 words

Undergraduate / Skidmore cares for its students; Transfer-Skidmore/ Academic+Personal Goals [6]


Is this your full answer or just a part of it? You haven't touched on personal goals!


i
I realized that Skidmore truly cares for its students well-being.
Also be more specific about how you were convinced that it cares for its students. In what way? Highlight one or two features.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Death Penalty makes our lives more secure & decrease the crimes of violence [2]


Over the past few decades, the capital punishment which was used to punish people in medieval time, has made a come back in some countries.


First, it would make people be cautious before committing crimes.


You write good, but pay attention to your essay structure; You need to have at least 250 words and I have a feeling you are short of word count here. Also, in your body paras you need to give specific examples to back your reasons.

Letters / " You are an angle" ; Letter to a person who helped me [4]

Great editing by mhss :)


I am really grateful to you and you are such an angle.


I cannot express how I feel about it; I was so unfortunate that I wasn't with him in his last moments.


.... .I cannot help blaming myself for not reaching there on time.


However, I am so glad that my father felt that I was there and he wasn't alone because he thought you were me.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Break before collage is good for students! [5]


This line needs improvement in presentation. Also there aren't many arguments, but just two; Some say it's good while others say it's bad. ... Make sure that you keep a good alignment with your topic throughout the essay


... this latter part does not come right;
... before walking into the next phase of strenuous student life.
It seems that you can write very well... but you need to pay more attention to your essay structure.... Especially, provide specific examples for your reasons!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] the best choice is spreading myself in the bed or doing nothing to take a rest; Leisure time [4]


.... Why sound vague? Tell it straight - Brain needs some rest! It is a fact that everybody agrees upon!
Brain, the most important organ of the human body, needs some rest in order to function properly. This helps one to get rid of stress and strain.


... good example :)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Which ways globalization affects the world? Discuss. [2]


As everybody knows, globalization is an international process that brings the countries together through economic, technological and educational activities.


It started to spread across the world so fast after the second World War mainly due to the speedy growth in international trade and migrations of people between countries.


..." investigation" means probing into some issue such as investigating a murder case. So, it is not the appropriate word to use here.


First tell the reason and then support it with the example. Your reason here is that globalization has allowed people today to share their cultural features, cuisine, knowledge etc. Then support this reason with a specific example. The example you have written is fine for this purpose :)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Housing shortage is the responsibility of the only government [2]

Hi,
I can see you have excellent writing skills. So, I practically don't see any issue with your grammar, presentation or vocabulary. However, I'd like to stress the point that you follow the essay structure that is generally recommended for this task. In this task, you have to manage time very efficiently because you are given a fairly short time for writing this essay. Also, this task expect you to support your arguments with specific examples.

Overall, you've done a real good job.

Undergraduate / The new world fascinates me up to this day; Summer program [5]

:)
Well, you can post your essays here for comments and at the same time you need to provide useful feed backs to others' essays too. These feed backs need to be meaningful and should not sound like "it's a good essay" , " good writing" etc. You don't have to be really very proficient in English, yet you can give others your ideas on their writing. When you have couple of such posts, then you'll be allowed to start a new thread with your new essay. That's how it goes.

Also you cannot have the same essay topic title again. When you open a new thread it should carry a different, again meaningful, title and also it should contain a new essay.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: spread of multinational companies is good or bad? Good [6]

Yes... it's a very good approach to practice with time. Never mind even if you are a little short of words when you practice. You will improve. Always try to have the main structure in place. Get help from the topic title for the first sentence of your introduction which introduces the topic to your reader. Then write your opinion. Follow one standard way for all your essays so that it'll help you with typing speed too. For example - In my view, I believe that ?????? ( Try to have longer phrases so that they would help you with word count) Use the same phrase for all your essays...( this is just a hint for you to manage time)

Then you need to have at least two body paras. Quickly type down the first reason in the first body para. If you've got a specific example present it briefly. (don't waste time improving it or writing at length)

Go to the next body para and do the same.
Then have your conclusion (here too you can follow some standard method)
When you have time left go back to your first body para and expand it. Then attend to the second body para.
This way, you can score marks even if you couldn't finish it the way you really expected, because you have all essential features in your essay.

Practice would help you improve a lot with time management. Do practice with time. You can post your essays here for fine tuning :D

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of increasing tourism activity; Laos, Mekong river [5]



Well... these two lines sound contradictory to one another. If you take a moderate stance then you better express that in the introduction itself.


... well ...tourism contributes a lot for the economy and its effects on social factor are somewhat questionable. In fact this topic is also based on that.



.... the correct word is " people" which is already a plural word meaning a collection of persons.


.... there are many economic benefits to the host country that are more prominent than the exchange rate profits. There is a direct income generating from tourists by selling them accommodation, places of attraction, food and beverages etc.

Undergraduate / The new world fascinates me up to this day; Summer program [5]


I dream of becoming an engineer because that profession would keep me updated with advancing technology as well as letting me make others' lives easier.


...This line is too long and confusing too. How is this program helping you to go to a good college? You better elaborate on that!

What are these two parts? I mean you have two headings; That's confusing me :(

Writing Feedback / Success in life usually requires planning and preparation - (English 12 Assignment) [5]


Lessons learned from failures are the essence for one to be successful in life.



... If you bring up this idea here, then you should have not stated this in the opening line. Start with the second line;
Some people believe that planning is a mandatory requirement for one to succeed in life. However, I do not agree with this view. In my opinion, what is more important for a successful life are the lessons learned from our failures and our life experiences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Computer and Internet usage in the Arab World (Charts) [4]


... 1000 users is wrong. As per the chart, it is 1000 inhabitants and the figure shown in the chart is out of such 1000 inhabitants how many people use computers and internet.


.... This sentence is pretty confusing. Don't crowd your sentences with too many data.
In this task you are supposed to write a summary report detailing the information presented by the charts. So, it should be little different from the other writing tasks and should be presented in a reporting tone.

Scholarship / Questbridge Prep Scholarship - Short Answers [2]


.... there's something awkward about that part. This is my suggetion;
For me, bodybuilding has very little to do with aesthetics.


It requires a discipline, commitment and hardworking that shapes me into the person who I am in every aspect of life.


Interesting, but I think you better bring in some sort of correlation between bodybuilding and software engineering at the begining of this section.

Scholarship / Extensive field experience/Starting my own software company; Fellowship/Scholarship [3]


.... I feel it reads better without that part


... what's significance of the role of international community? Why it fascinated you? That's not very clear.



I have a thirst to quench in such stimulating work environments where one needs to reach high levels of competence and being constantly innovative.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; 'A man 's manner is a mirror that reflects his virtues' - people to be polite to others [4]


....It's better if you can name this celebrity.... Then it gives a better punch, anyway good start!


This does not flow well... It's a simple idea and it's nicer if you present with more clarity.


acquire means that obtaining possession of something/ acquaint means you make connections with something or someone.


.... this example is good because it is specific :)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] the best choice is spreading myself in the bed or doing nothing to take a rest; Leisure time [4]


.... commodity? I think this word really doesn't go with this idea :( ... I prefer the word "activity" because leisure in any sense is not a commodity.


Your sentences tend to be a bit too long. Then reader has to put effort keep memorizing what you said in the early part of your sentence. This disturbs his interest and your flow too.

Overall, this is a good essay; It seems you have a good understanding about the essay structure too. :)

Writing Feedback / Execution of criminals; Capital punishment is necessary to control violence [4]

You write very well... I have a few suggestions for you;
1) State your opinion clearly in the introduction as to what your think about this argument.
2) Start your body para with one direct reason for your opinion and support it with a specific example. Do the same in every body para ( I suggest you to restrict number of body paras to two for easy time management)

3) Have at least 250 words

Writing Feedback / IELTS: spread of multinational companies is good or bad? Good [6]

Well.... is this your full essay? If so, this is not sufficient for this task. You need to write at least 250 words and also your essay should contain a few important features; Introduction, 2 body paras and the conclusion.

Your introduction and first body para look ok. But where's the rest?


First, the spread of multinational companies result in introducing new products that suite respective cultures.

Writing Feedback / toefl test The place you choose to live has a greater effect on you overall hapiness [5]


Well... your writing is not bad and I feel you can go for a good score if you organize your writing more. Write simple, short, yet interesting sentences. The most important thing is that you pay attention to your essay structure. My recommendation is that you should stick to 4 para essay which includes introduction, 2 body paras and conclusion.

Introduction; Introduce your topic + State your opinion
In this essay, the argument is based on whether place of living has a major bearing on person's overall happiness or it is the job. So first, introduce this topic to the reader;

Some people believe that the place they live contributes more for their happiness than the job they do for their living. However, others believe that the job is more important for their Happiness. In my opinion, I believe that ??????????????? ( tell what you think the most important)

Then go to your body paras - Write your first reason as to why you hold that opinion. If you said the place of living is more important, then you have tell a reason for that. For example;

I find a great meaning in the saying "Home sweet Home". Home is the place that a person enjoys his entire privacy and freedom. (... here the reason I gave is one's privacy and freedom)

Then you support it with a specific example;
Suppose you are emotionally upset and you need to cry to let it go and come back to normalcy. Then it is the home that provides you that privacy because you cannot be always yourself in any other environment.

Then do the same with your 2nd body para. Finally write the conclusion which sums up everything you said above. Read the following essays to get a knack for this structure.

Graduate / A person is privileged to have been born healthy; PTCAS (Physical Therapy) [5]


.... I have a suggestion :)
"Health is Wealth", and I have a great faith in this saying.


... you better elaborate on this family experience. For me, it sounds as the core of your story. Tell that you have been a part of this struggle and that influenced you to get into this field and do something about it.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Reasons why travelers visit Museums?To know about CULTURE, TRADITION & HISTORY [3]



... here you tend to go a little bit out of topic. The prompt doesn't talk about any dislikes of people for visiting museums. What it asks is that the reasons for such visits. So, this is not a general argumentative type of topic you find in TOEFL independent writing tasks. So, you need to be careful here. Always read the topic carefully and understand it. And then keep a proper alignment with your topic throughout your essay.