Writing Feedback / The unemployment level in Australia 2012 (IELTS Writing Task 1) [3]

@roswita116
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this feedback to be somewhat helpful for your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, it would be appreciated if you had a more straightforward writing approach. Take, for example, your first paragraph. You had a lengthy sentence as your introduction - and this certainly drags your essay to the core. I would opt for shorter and more concise sentences, especially because you shouldn't feel the need to overexplain certain thoughts or opinions.

Having said that, I would also mention that you have to be more cautious of the way that you construct your sentences. Remember to incorporate appropriate punctuation and pauses (ie. take a look at your second paragraph's first sentence).

Small details pile up and do matter in the end.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 1, describe a graph about car ownership in Britain [2]

@Yesitsthao
Hey! Welcome to this forum. I hope this feedback somehow enlightens you on what to accomplish. But before anything, I advise that you provide a copy of the graph in the next time. This will help us (and other evaluators) understand the context of your essay to provide a more appropriate written work.

First and foremost, these types of essays require that you have a prevalent and fundamental understanding of the core analysis. I appreciate how straightforward your writing is as this fulfills this requirement without any unnecessary tugging. What I would recommend that you be more cautious of is the overall structure of your essay. Take a look at your last paragraph. In this portion, you were unable to fully identify yourself with distinctions as you had a lot of run-on sentences. Ensure that you are abiding by the general required principles to help readers distinguish the borders of your writing.

Further improve your writing by evading the usage of these excesses. For instance, take a look at your first sentence wherein you had written "most significant increase". This particular line could have been rewritten as merely significant increase. Omitting one word not only saves you space, but gives your work a bit more appeal as you omit all of the unnecessary excesses along the way.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: To speak a foreign language abroad - the life in a foreign land [3]

@chloeyyy123
Hello there. Welcome here! We're always glad to see new people coming around. I hope that you find this feedback to be somehow beneficial for your writing endeavors.

Firstly, while it was great that you have smaller chunks of text sprinkled as blocks throughout, it would be of much help to the readers if you are able to properly compartmentalize your writing in accordance to what is necessary. Take, for example, the latter chunks of text that you have in the third paragraph. You were already including a lot of inessential information by the last sentences. Because of this, I recommend that you try your best to prioritize which information would be necessary (and which ones you can put in the bin for now).

The concluding remarks also lack a bit of emphasis. I suggest adding more of a follow-up analysis on this portion to ensure that readers are able to understand the duties and responsibilities ahead of them.

Letters / Work in Switzerland; Motivation Letter / Administrative Programme [3]

@muawia786
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I wish you the best of luck in your application for the program. If you want to have more input on your writing, we'd be more than glad to assist you once again!

Firstly, I appreciate how you had introduced your passion for this program from the get-go. This gives you leverage as it shows how deeply rooted and committed you are in the first place. While this has been great in the beginning, you certainly should not drag it for longer than necessary. Take, for instance, the initial portion of the essay wherein you were tackling more about the issue. I suggest that you cut out the last sentence(s) in the first paragraph as they've dragged your writing for longer than what is required of you.

Furthermore, the latter portions of your essay, while concise and readable, are quite difficult to comprehend because of the number of details enclosed in the writing. It can be quite messy and indiscernible when you have numerous accounts right in front of you. I recommend that you merge and organize portions that are reflective of each other to ensure that you retain your image wisely.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Do you agree or disagree? Leadership comes naturally: one can't learn to be a leader. [2]

@jasmine12
Hi, dear! Welcome here. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing.

First and foremost, you create quite unnecessarily lengthy sentences. Evade this as it does not assist you in writing more effectively. Rather, this only impedes on your delivery of message, making your work become overpowered by all of the complexity. As opposed to what is regularly being said or mentioned, it is more critical that you ensure that your message is being delivered. Simplicity is key here.

Take, for instance, the first paragraph that you have. While you had bold statements, it was unclear from the get-go what the intention of the writing is. Furthermore, if you take a quick glance at the first sentence of your paragraph, you had quite a complex statement that could have been brought down into a smaller content. I recommend that you should be extra cautious of these instances as to not confuse and rattle the readers with any insignificant details.

Bear in mind as well that, while placing a lot of examples is commonplace to be recommended, overwhelming your text with such would definitely put you on a tightrope.

Best of luck as always.

Writing Feedback / International air travel has a negative impact upon the environment and should be restricted [2]

@Hoang Kien
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that you find the platform to be beneficial for your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us for more input.

Firstly, I appreciate the straightforward approach you held in your writing. This made the entire process to be easier, considering that you were able to facilitate the writing process with more ease. This is a rare occasion as a lot of writers have a tendency to merely stick with factual data without recognizing the audacity of work necessary.

However, I also still recommend that that you try to standardize your writing a little bit more to enhance how professional it appears to be. Doing this will help elevate the overall quality of your writing to make your essay flow smoother. For instance, take a look at your third paragraph. While you were able to fluidly portray everything, you still lacked that dynamism from having a steadier flow of writing. If you are able to have a more enhanced written work, this would certainly help you in the long-run.

Graduate / SOP for MS program in Mechanical Engineering - the spread of transportation and safety [2]

@BSChen
Hi, dear! I apologize for the delay. I hope that this feedback serves you well in the future. If you find this to be helpful, do not be afraid to come to us for more inquiry.

First and foremost, while I find that the introduction had quite a strong push, I suggest that you save the dramatization for a bit later of a time in your writing. Considering that you need to be able to showcase to the readers firstly what your intentions are in writing, I recommend that you focus first on establishing a core principle by being straightforward from the get-go. Omit the first paragraph you have now and attempt to replace it with a more structured written format. That being said, I recommend that you follow through this statement with the story that you currently have.

While I also think that you had quite a definitive structure that had a lot of potential, I recommend that you incorporate a lot more details into your writing. By doing this, you are enabling yourself to write with more ease. By doing this, you are also making yourself appear to be more knowledgeable in the field. Notice, for instance, your second paragraph. While you had incorporated general notions and ideas, it would have been beneficial if you could have sorted out your writing with a bit more consideration.

Writing Feedback / The charts below show the percentage of "online" time among younger and older people [2]

@Tina le
Hi, dear! Welcome to the forum. I apologize for the delay. However, I hope that this feedback serves you well in the future.

First and foremost, I suggest trying to shorten the length of your sentences. What you have been doing primarily is simply inputting a lot of complex details without necessarily showcasing any prioritization in the process. Because of this, readers are going to struggle a little bit more when it comes to furthering what they know about the topic. When you're making analytical essays, this part is essentially critical because it will add clarity to your essay.

Having said that, the last paragraph needs a bit of work. Remember that the last portion is supposedly dedicated as a concluding paragraph, making it critical that the analysis here would encompass the entirety of the text.

Be cautious as well of small details (ie. punctuation marks, etc.).

Writing Feedback / Computers are often argued to be the greatest milestone in the history of technology. [4]

@minhtamdav
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback somehow helps you in your writing endeavors in the future. Should it be of help, I would be glad to assist you in your writing endeavors for future references!

While the introductory paragraph was quite astounding given how much intrinsic detail you had, I recommend that you opt to simplify the first sentences. The first sentences are all about making concrete and ensuring that the details that you've laid out would be fully understood by the readers. Given that having so many complex words would impede these processes, I highly recommend that you section everything into a more comprehensible bundle. To clarify, this means that you should be more straightforward with the intent of your text.

Furthermore, while the next paragraphs were great and put-together, I recommend that you opt to incorporate more real-world examples to assist readers into understanding the bulk of the text that you have. Doing this would definitely help people further their understanding - and, in the process, you'd have an enhanced outlook on the situation at-hand.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Constructing a rapid railway system or improving the existing mass transportation? [3]

@rivathh
Hi there. Thank you for repetitively being a part of this platform. We hope that this has somehow contributed to your working knowledge of the field.

First and foremost, the essay has quite a messy take on your topic. What I mean by this is that your thoughts appear to be rather disorganized all throughout. I recommend that you have a more organized and step-by-step process when you are taking readers into your written work. What this would accomplish is enabling you to have a refreshed outlook.

Moreover, I also recommend that you opt to attempt to structure and compartmentalize your writing to fit that professional environment a little bit more. What this pertains to would be the usage of proper punctuation, comma, and spacing that would pave way for your writing to be better understood.

That being said, you were still able to provide a comprehensive overview of your thoughts and opinions. This can be heavily appreciated by the readers, considering that you were able to properly substantiate your claims. I would suggest, however, extending your introductory and concluding paragraphs. Because these initial portions require a bit of stability for the readers to comprehend better the text, I recommend trying to give more attention to them as you proceed with writing.

Research Papers / My paper about the Vietnamese grammar [2]

@Phamly
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Whatever your intentions are, I hope that this forum satiates you in your long-term needs.

First and foremost, the initial parts of the essay are quite substantive and put-together. Because the nature of this essay has to be relayed in a formal and structured manner as to evade any confusion in meaning, it is critical that you understand how to relay information. For instance, you should try your best to ensure that all of your information would utilize as much space as possible. Take, for example, the first paragraph. When you were laying out all of the details regarding the essay, it would have been bolder if you not used the numerical signs throughout. Instead, you should have opted to stick with just one chunk of text. This would have been a more appropriate approach to the essay in-hand.

Furthermore, the second paragraph still appears to be quite unclear and messy. It only appears as though you have stretched your writing to incorporate even that. Remember that this is critical for you to stick with the fundamental requirements rather than straying away.

Undergraduate / MIT Pleasure Short Essay (PokemonGo): I don't know if I should even keep this specific topic [2]

@dzlhrt
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I apologize for the delay. However, I hope that this feedback becomes beneficial for your writing endeavors.

Firstly, as a general perception of the text you have at the moment, I think that it would be better if you had utilized a more formal language when writing. Remember that it is critical that you have this enhanced written outlook as this will make your writing more intensive and alluring to the readers. Having said that, I do also suggest that you evade the repetitive usage of language as it drags your language down in the long-run. Try to be meaningful and intentional in your writing.

Furthermore, I also recommend that you try to initiate a more appropriate writing correspondence. I do not particularly have an idea as to for which purpose this writing is entirely for, but you should try to use a more enhanced version of the writing. Opt to talk enthusiastically about your love for a passion instead of a passing-by activity. This would definitely have more of an impact than anything else.

Scholarship / Facility Assessment - write leadership and influence essay for chevening scholarship [3]

@Excellencial111
Hi there. Welcome to this forum! I wish you the best of luck in your application for Chevening. This feedback would be tailor-fit to best help you in your endeavors.

First and foremost, while I find that there is nothing generally despicable about your form of writing, some areas need to be worked on. For instance, your organization of thoughts appear to be a tad bit messy, considering that you were unable to explain what your fundamental opinions are from the get-go. Because of this, I recommend that you try to be more explicit about the purpose of your writing. Try to start your essay with an explanation as to why these experiences have linked you back to Chevening (ie. move the last paragraph into the beginning).

Furthermore, the third and fourth paragraphs appear to be rather messy. Because of how cluttered it is to have two separate paragraphs that do not quite coordinate well with each other in terms of meaning, I recommend that you try to substantiate more and find a common ground. Doing this would enable you to be better understood by the evaluators.

Remember that the goal of the last conclusive paragraph should be to provide a detailed summation of the text alongside tie all of your opinions into a more comprehensible chunk of text.

Writing Feedback / The graph shows how population grow in two different countries over the period of 50 years. [4]

@hoangoanh0204
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope this feedback somehow enlightens and assists you in any way.

Firstly, I would be cautious with the fundamentals that are necessary for you to be cautious of when writing. This pertains to, for instance, the usage of tenses when you are writing. Try to read up again on the rules of agreements for verbs and nouns to ensure that you are not straying away from this.

Consistency is key when you are writing. It is critical that you retain a formal tone when writing. Notice how you had shifted to explicitly mentioning the numerical factors involved (see the third line) and to the usage of parenthesis to explain the detail. I would opt that you stick with the usage of smaller details instead of these to help you in the long-run establish a firmer tone.

This also goes for the phrases you are using to describe the language. Take, for example, the paragraph. Instead of saying "two nations have different directions", you could have opted to say that they were diversifying from each other. Adding small quirks such as this would enhance the look of your writing from simplified to a more professional standard.

Graduate / A brutal practice. Personal Statement for Anesthesiologist Assistant [2]

@tbui27
Hello, dear! I'm here to provide you with writing feedback on this essay. Hopefully, it can help you in the long-run to write with more clarity.

Firstly, while I think that the cinematic portrayal of the text in the first paragraph was quite impressive, I suggest trying to compress these story details into a smaller chunk of text. While it is great that you have these, I also find that it has made a deal of your text to be blown out of proportion. Notice how your second paragraph had so much potential. You could have reinvented this part of the text to ensure that you deliver that message that the story was a critical moment for your career choices in the succeeding years/months. What I suggest is reinserting this as the first part of the text rather than in other portions.

Furthermore, the last paragraph also appears to be quite messy because it fails to further your argumentation in the initial portions. I recommend that you shift around and play with the pattern a bit more.

As for your inquiries on the last part, I find that this can be a write approach for this particular type of school. As long as you were able to link your personal thoughts to the event that had happened (and then, later on, to your career-driven desires), it would work out perfectly in the end.

Scholarship / The key parts of my characters - Chevening leadership 2019 [5]

@omnia_ameer
Hi there. Welcome to the forum, dear! I wish you the best of luck in your Chevening application. I hope that this provides you with sufficient insight and feedback to help you improve your chances.

Firstly, the first part of the essay was put-together. I only suggest that you evade the excessive usage of quotation marks as it somehow clutters the overall view of the text. Stick with bold and concise remarks and interpretations rather than having multiple viewpoints scattered in one inch of text. I would also recommend that you better your structure through a stricter use of punctuation. If you are able to do both of these for the first paragraph, the transition to the latter portions would be much better.

Balance out your writing as much as possible. While it is great to incorporate your personal thoughts and opinions regarding a chunk of text, it certainly does not do you good in the long haul because you would lack space that's supposedly dedicated for a more fundamentalist writing approach.

Writing Feedback / Advertisement are becoming more and more common. Is it a positive or negative development? [2]

@thaolinh
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback serves you well.

Firstly, the straightforward and yet sophisticated approach you have in writing is quite excellent. This makes your writing intelligible without all of the fuss of overtly descriptive language. Keep this up! Moreover, I also appreciate how you had a very organized writing approach that made it easier to transition between one word to another without necessarily appearing as though you are jumping into conclusive remarks.

I would only suggest that you evade the usage of packed language. What this pertains to is inserting too much information within a small cluster of text. This particular act does not benefit you in the long-run because it can impede on the clarity of text. Take, for example, the last sentence of your third paragraph. If you can eliminate these excesses, you would be able to dedicate more space to the introduction paragraph and the conclusive remarks, making your essay more balanced.

Writing Feedback / The two way of measure a success; money and technical skills at a job field [2]

@mjpnidhi
Hello there. Seeing as you are new here, welcome to the forum! I hope you find all of this feedback to be helpful for your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, the introductory paragraph had used a lot of complex terms that it sort of impeded the flow of your writing already. Notice how you were adding so many unnecessary extensions to the core message. While this is generally acceptable, it would enhance your writing if you focused solely on the details that are necessary. Doing this not only saves you the luxury of space - but this can also help you develop a more meaningful outlook for the rest of the text.

Furthermore, when trying to incorporate more concrete examples to your text, try your best to stick with only the critical details available. Doing this would help the readers understand the text in its entirety. Taking a look at your body paragraph (second and third), you had mostly hypothetical examples to back your thoughts and opinions. It would help shape your essay more if you had utilized real-life samples.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for Erasmus Master on Innovative Microwave Electronics and Optics (EMIMEO) [3]

@fz2626
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback somehow helps you in your writing endeavors. I wish you the best of luck in your application as well to Erasmus!

Firstly, I appreciate the straightforward writing approach in the initial parts of the essay. Because of this, the evaluators know how genuine you ought to be when it comes to the program. This makes your writing a lot more bolder when it comes to being appreciated and heard. It was great that you had incorporated a lot of the small but yet critical details that are important for their decision to be smoother in the process.

Aside from this, I do think that the third paragraph appears to be quite messy and rambled in its placement in the midst of your text. While it was great that you were able to incorporate so many critical details, you should also ensure that you keep these types of personal details to a minimum. While they showcase a long-term interest in the country, there's no direct correlation between it and the program that you wish to partake in.

Scholarship / QUESTBRIDGE SHORT ANSWERS - My proudest achievement [2]

@almegutierrez
Hi there. I'm here to assist you in your writing endeavors. I hope that you find this feedback to be helpful in the long-run. Don't hesitate to approach us for more inquiry on the essay.

First and foremost, the essay is already well-composed. My only concerns would be the initial parts of the essay wherein you were quite unclear about the direction of where the essay was headed to. Notice how the first sentences required that you initiate what the readers' expectations should be throughout the writing. Because you had an indistinguishable approach in these first portions, I would recommend that you focus on creating a bold thesis statement that would accompany the rest of your writing.

While it was great that you were able to incorporate a lot of personified details that include how you had felt in the duration that you had been accompanied throughout this, it would be rather beneficial if you could try to stick to a more formal approach when retelling the story.

Scholarship / Leadership from my point of view and experience - Chevening scholarship [2]

@Bethel
Hi there. Welcome here! I hope this feedback becomes helpful for you and your application. Should you have any more inquiries, do not hesitate to approach us for more input.

First and foremost, while the introductory paragraph/line was interesting, you needed to be able to cultivate a healthier approach to writing by initiating a more substantive or packed written work. Remember that while these signifying content would appear to be bold, it would be even nicer if you can integrate this with a more conclusive remark. Say, for example, try mentioning your aspirations after bringing out these types of bold statements.

Moreover, remember that while details are critical, you should not leave behind the core values that are engulfed in the text. Say, for instance, notice how the bulk of your essay was dedicated to writing about your experience. While this was great, you were unable to link everything back to the fundamental purpose as to why you are writing the text: the Chevening Scholarship. Try to retain a dedicated focus when you are writing.

Scholarship / Statement of Purpose for Schwarzman Scholarship [4]

@Alasa505
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback somehow assists you in your writing endeavors.

Before I proceed to my input on your writing, I would firstly recommend that you provide a brief introduction about your background and the intent of this essay for us to better assess how to perfect this essay.

Firstly, I recommend that you restrict the length of your essays. Considering that the recommended length for essays would be between four to six sentences, I suggest that you take this into account when you are writing. While it is alright that you have lengthier content, it can also impede with relaying the meaning in a more efficient manner. This will also help you avoid over-explaining details that do not require that much inquiry.

Furthermore, I also recommend that you look over the general composition of your text in terms of the flow of the writing. Notice how some portions require that you have a more sensible approach to writing. Be cautious of your usage of spacing, punctuation. When in doubt, using a more subtle and yet simplified structure always relieves the anxiety of messing up the text.

Graduate / Statement of Intent for Admission of Graduate Studies in Civil Engineering [3]

@Exterry
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I wish you the best of luck in your application. I hope that this feedback helps you in any way. You can always come back for more!

Firstly, I appreciate the introductory portion of your essay. Considering how your essay has been great when it comes to making concrete the information that's critical for the readers, I would recommend that you only focus more on enhancing the writing by building your essay with more depth. While it was great that you had included a lot of the fundamental and critical details, trying to explain things from a more personified point of view (away from all the professional viewpoints available) would help the the evaluators see things from a more in-depth point of view.

Stray away from too many solid details. Instead, focus on using the space in letting the evaluators know your genuine intentions alongside how you wish to merge these intentions with the program you are seeking to be a part of.

Undergraduate / like a neutron - Computer Science and Beyond Common App Essay [3]

@sharvilgrg
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Seeing as you are new here, I hope you find this feedback to be somewhat helpful for your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, the introductory paragraph is quite scattered. While I know that you had attempted to make this a creative plunge, you were unable to have a more focused approach to writing. It is critical that you merge the first two paragraphs to create a more comprehensive, clearer understanding of the entire situation.

Furthermore, the third paragraph needs a lot of attention when it comes to developing thoughts and opinions. While it was great that you had tried to explain things from your viewpoint, it would be helpful if you could have compressed the information into one more exponential piece of text throughout.

Notice how you had no definitive structure and organization throughout (ie. noted by the fact that you had varied lengths in writing). I would recommend that you make everything simplified and structured to ensure that readers are able to fathom the entirety of the text without just looking at parts of the whole.

Writing Feedback / (TOEFL) Maintain a small number of friends over long time or make new friends easily [5]

@yui meow
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the feedback that you receive here to be helpful for your writing endeavors. If you have any more questions, please do not hesitate to approach us for more input. Again, I hope that this helps!

First and foremost, I commend how put-together your essay is. Because you were able to integrate a lot of variation and dynamism into your writing, you were able to showcase how progressive your thoughts were throughout the writing. This makes it easy for the readers to understand the bulk of the text provided.

Having said these positives, I do recommend that you try to have a more analytical point of view when it comes to writing. Focus on curating information with ease through adding more substantive details. Take a glance at the example you've provided in the second paragraph. While it was great that you were trying to incorporate more real-life examples from your viewpoint, it would not be sustainable in the long-run given how you need more concrete and external options to carry you further.

Conclusion also needs a bit more work. Enhance this through adding more analysis by merging together your thoughts from all the paragraphs prior.

Undergraduate / Computing and Programming - Georgia Tech Supplemental Essay [4]

@TheShubhi
Hello there. I'll be reviewing your essay for you. I hope that you find this feedback to be helpful in the long-run. I apologize for any delay.

First and foremost, I would opt that you focus on making concrete the central theme of your essay in the first paragraph rather than jumping straight into a cinematic entry point for your writing. What you had done was solely put all of your effort into expounding things from the base point. Rather than doing this, I heavily suggest that you try to categorize everything to ensure that the details are placed with much precision.

Taking it further, I also recommend that you encapsulate your writing with a proper conclusive paragraph. Because this form of writing entails that you are bale to link everything to Gatech, you should be able to formulate your own thoughts and opinions regarding so without sacrificing the chunk of detail given to you.

Because you're working within a word count, keep everything short and simple as much as possible.

Graduate / SOP for MS in Renewable Energy Engineering [2]

@abduljabbar9123
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. Seeing as you are new here, I hope that you find the feedback you receive here to be beneficial for your learning endeavors.

First and foremost, I find that the introductory portions of your essay were already quite excellent. Because you had a straightforward approach to writing, the entirety of the text was not cluttered with unnecessary information. This made your writing gradually progress into the central theme that you wanted to portray.

Having said that, I do also recommend that you focus more on ensuring that your text abides by fundamental grammatical rules. This pertains to the usage of spacing, punctuation, and other basic skills that are critical when you're trying to elevate the tone of your language to a more formal one.

Furthermore, I also recommend that you try to organize your thoughts and opinions a little bit more. Take, for instance, the second paragraph. You went from discussing your grounding in extracurricular activities to focusing more on your profession-specific details. I would opt that you keep these two in separate paragraphs to evade confusing readers.

Undergraduate / Commonapp essay on mathematics - share your story about an interest or talent [2]

@DodgeCharger
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! As you are here, I wish you the best of luck in whatever learning endeavors you are partaking in. Please do continuously inform us about details of your text.

First and foremost, while the first paragraph was quite extensive and provided a glimpse of what your ideal situation entails, I recommend that you try to focus on cultivating a more formal approach to writing. Taking a look at your essay from the get-go, you still needed to develop that sense of prioritization as well when it comes to curating your details. Take, for instance, the way that you developed the succeeding paragraphs. You already had clarity in your message in the meaning that you are relaying. However, you were still unable to reduce the text into a specific thesis statement that would follow through with your next points.

I suggest that you incorporate a more straightforward approach to writing wherein A would essentially lead to B. Try to take it step-by-step to ensure that readers can comprehend the complexity of your text.

Writing Feedback / Domestic violence problem (I'm taking proficiency exam on September 3rd) [2]

@Selen can
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback becomes beneficial for you. If you find any of this helpful, please do not hesitate to approach us for more inquiry on your writing.

Firstly, the essay is already quite put-together as I would say. You had no fundamentally difficult details that are tough to comprehend. Rather, you needed to have a firmer grip on the details. Take, for example, your first paragraph. While you had a broader discussion as to how the entirety of your opinions flow, you were unable to grasp more fundamental details such as giving more concrete examples. If you can make it more descriptive, it would be better for the entirety of your text.

Furthermore, the other portions of the text also need this much attention. Because of your lack of attention to detail, you were unable to showcase how the body paragraphs translate to reality. This makes your essay quite difficult to comprehend, considering that readers have to exert more effort into reading the texts available.

Research Papers / "Childhood Education: Starting them off Right on the Right Foot" [2]

@EMM2156872
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Whatever your initial purpose of joining is, I hope that you find this feedback to be helpful for your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, the initial portions of the essay is quite put-together. Because of this, I do not have any specific recommendations for this portion. On the other hand, the second paragraph (and just the body parts of the essay) still need to be assisted with ease. Notice how your usage of information in this portion was still quite scattered. I recommend that you try to focus on one chunk of information and dissect it. Instead of having a scattered approach wherein you use different information in a small chunk of space, I recommend focusing on one source and moving forward with that.

Furthermore, evade the usage of a first-person appeal when it comes to writing. While your personal observations may come handy, you should bear in mind to not use too many details that could impede the flow of your writing. For instance, take a look at your third paragraph's usage of personal opinions. While it's generally alright, it would necessarily be advisable to have this much inflow because it can impede on an actual sophisticated analysis of the information to be needed.

Undergraduate / Independent Study and Research findings in Additional Information on Common App [2]

@Bastian
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I hope that you find this feedback to be beneficial for your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, you need to be able to cultivate a more simplified approach to writing. This means taking things step-by-step in order to assist readers into further understanding the depth of your essay. Take, for instance, the first parts of the essay. While you were able to showcase that you had a fundamental grasp of what was necessary, you should be able to expound details with more accompanying depth. If you are able to do this, people would be able to fully understand the text that you have.

Furthermore, it would be helpful for your readers if you could break your content down a bit more. The necessity of having separations between your body paragraphs, introductory, and conclusion would be that they assist the readers into further understanding the text. If you can separate these two sections, it would be beneficial for the overall flow of your content.

Writing Feedback / People naturally resist making changes in their lives. [3]

@mabubeo
Hello there. I apologize for the delay. I hope that you find this feedback to be helpful as you venture into learning more about the language. If you have any more questions, please do not hesitate to approach us for it.

First and foremost, I find that the general flow of your essay lacks that fundamental structure. When referring to structure, this pertains to the usage of pauses and punctuation sprinkled throughout to ensure that you are relaying the message with more ease. Take a look at your introductory or first sentence. While it was great that you have been able to introduce the topic of the essay with such clarity, you need to be able to simplify and create a more concise pattern for your writing.

Be cautious as well as to how you compose your messages. The first sentence of the third paragraph needs a bit of work due to the lack of functionality. Linking that shorter line with the chunk of text added a bit of unnecessary complexity to the entirety of the message, making it even more difficult for readers to comprehend the text. Try to focus on clarity rather than merging everything in a sophisticated manner.

Writing Feedback / England and Wales; rented and owned accommodation - Ielts Cambridge 13, Test 2, Task 1 [2]

@vunhanhoa
Hi there. Next time, it would be beneficial to add the graph that you've analyzed into the given text. This will help us better understand the context that you're working from. Ultimately, our feedback would be more in tune with what's being asked from you.

Aside form that, from what I can tell, you need a bit of assistance when it comes from transitioning between sentences. The second paragraph lacked a bit of push because of the lack of implementation of a proper structured approach. Organizing your text a little bit more goes a long way, especially if you want to integrate more meaning into your writing.

In order to improve the entirety of your text, I recommend that you also focus on providing analysis for your writing. Don't just merely focus on the surface level portrayal of the text.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : PRINTED NEWSPAPERS VS. ONLINE NEWSPAPERS [2]

@amira11545
Hello there. Thanks for your continuous support in the site. I hope that you find this feedback to be helpful for your writing endeavors. Please do keep supporting the platform for more input. If you have any more questions, we'd be more than happy to assist you in the future time.

First and foremost, the first paragraph lacks a bit more detail into it. Although you had laid out the fundamental details that are necessary, you were unable to establish more depth into your writing. What this pertains to is the fact that you still needed to expound, for instance, the second sentence. If you are able to do this, then you would have an enhanced outlook in the entirety of the text.

As for the body paragraphs of your essay, I recommend that you try to make concise your sentences. What this means is trying to cutting down on unnecessary texts. For instance, the second sentence of the second paragraph still needs to be trimmed down. While adjectives are great, they do not fully assist you in building the context of your writing.

What you're primarily lacking on would be the usage of concrete examples. Because you were attempting to incorporate more detail, you had missed out on adding a backbone that'll prove that your arguments are fully in tangent with what is truly concrete in reality. This is critical, especially considering that the text has to be utilized in this manner.

Scholarship / PERSONAL STATEMENT of Winter Japan Cultural Camp Scholarship BACKGROUND [2]

@NhuQuynh12
Hello there, Nhu! I wish you the best of luck in your application for the scholarship. I hope that this feedback serves you well in your writing endeavors. Should it help you, I hope that it can continuously shed light into your essay writing.

First and foremost, while I think that the first paragraph is quite a creative approach to the topic at-hand, I recommend that you try to keep everything as concise as possible. To evade the issue of over-explaining, you should be able to merge your thoughts and opinions to cultivate a substantive writing approach.

Furthermore, while the second paragraph was great in explaining your values as an individual, I recommend enhancing your writing with the usage of more detailed accounts of how you had exhibited them. Move forward from all the basic and fundamental notes - and try to focus more on writing that's solely for the purpose of showcasing your skills as an individual.

While the last paragraph is quite interesting as it showcases you as an individual who has external sources of appreciation, it would be beneficial if you can link all of these details into the story of your life. Doing this would enable readers to have an enhanced outlook on your essay.

Writing Feedback / Scientific exploration carried out and managed by the state or by private companies? [3]

@minhthanh211
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this feedback to be helpful for your writing endeavors as you attempt to improve the overall flow of your writing. You can always keep coming back for more if you wish so.

First and foremost, it would be beneficial if you can balance out the manner in which you explain things in your writing. This pertains to, for instance, having a balanced conclusion and introductory paragraph. Notice how the bulk of your text is dedicated to the body. While there is nothing innately wrong with this, it would be more fruitful if you can try to add more detail into these other two parts as it can assist you in having more dedicated space to explaining things in their entirety.

Having said that, I recommend that you try to simplify your thesis statements. Generally speaking, there's nothing wrong with adding a bit of complexity into your writing. However, what often occurs is that we lose meaning into our writing because we try to compartmentalize all of the written work.

Undergraduate / Why a Model? - EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON [2]

@buttercup3
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I hope it's not too late to provide you with a brief feedback on your writing. If you find this to be beneficial, I recommend that you incorporate more detail into it.

First and foremost, I find that the introductory portion of the essay is quite put-together as is. I recommend retaining it as it is. If you are able to do this, you'll be able to show the readers that you have the utmost intent to continuously expound things with intrinsic detail. Given this, you are able to showcase a sensible personality for your writing to be fully understood.

I would recommend that you try to explain things not just from the emotional point of view - rather, try to incorporate more details on how these circumstances translate to reality. If you are able to do this, you would be able to describe scenarios that would enlighten readers a lot more on how you can improve your writing in its entirety. Doing so will help you improve the way that you will be received by the people who are reading your work.

Writing Feedback / The graphs show the result of a survey of computer ownership total and by education level [2]

@ashleycyw
Hi there. I see that you're new here - welcome to the forum. Let me provide you with writing feedback on your essay in order to help you in your writing endeavors.

First and foremost, the second paragraph lacks that critique of the graph. While you were merely describing how things were being reflected in the writing, this portion lacks that sensitivity of showcasing how this translates to a more in-depth analysis. If you can present even a slither of how this translates into the real-world, it would be beneficial for the overall outlook of this essay.

Having said that, I also find that the general feel of your essay is quite informal. I would recommend that you try to keep everything in a formal manner. For instance, take a look at your third paragraph. The writing appears to be rather bland because of how the structure is plotted to be. I heavily recommend that you add more punctuation and pauses all throughout. Doing this would enable the readers to have a more enhanced outlook of the writing.

Undergraduate / The Great Depression / Economics - Transfer Application Essay for Georgia Tech [3]

@jakefire10
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I apologize for the delay; however, I hope that you find all of this to be beneficial for your writing endeavors. If you do, please do not hesitate to approach us for more.

First and foremost, the first paragraph lacks that general representation of what you ought to represent throughout your writing. Because of the lack of detail, it is quite difficult to tell how the text is to be interpreted. When you're trying to introduce a general statement (ie. as what you had done in the first paragraph's second sentence), you should be able to build it up. This is why it is integral to ensure that you're adding as much content as much as possible.

Furthermore, the last paragraph does not appear to have a proper enclosure for the concluding remarks. As per usual, I recommend that you create a separate paragraph for the concluding remarks to ensure that you are not missing out on details. Remember that the conclusion should be more than merely categorizing all of the details into one space - rather, the concluding remarks should be able to expound why it was necessary for you to establish the uniqueness of your writing.

Research Papers / ENGL102 - Visual Analysis Paper (Twin Adventurers) [3]

@diopbel
Hi there. Welcome to the forum, Diop! I hope that you find the feedback you receive here to be beneficial for your writing endeavors. If you do so, please do not hesitate to approach us for more information.

First and foremost, I know that the initial intention of placing all of the information and detail compressed into one space seems reasonable at times. However, in this particular instance, it would not be beneficial for you to do this as it can interfere with the way in which you manage your writing. Doing this gives little space for you to showcase the personality of the characters because you merely spoon-feeding the readers into all of the information that is present.

When you're attempting to describe situations, I would heavily recommend that you try to keep everything compressed. While adjectives are great to simplify things, it restricts what you can do with the text - and how the readers can interpret all of the information that's been in front of them.