Undergraduate / Photography, Psychology, Biology/ Personal relationships; Why Skidmore a good match? [5]


Well.... I suggest you to combine both these ideas and write one answer. That answer would carry more points for you to convince them why you choose Skidmore. Include both your study intersts and personal relationships and networking opportunities. The more points you have, better the chances for you :)

Scholarship / JOURNALISM/ PEREPARATORY/ PATIENT&HONEST; Scholarship- Why teach?/ Personal Qualities [4]


Well.... good common apps help them get admission to the uni and thereby achieve their academic goals. However, you should not repeate this idea in both sentences because then it would sound repetitive. That's why I suggested you to tell it broadly in the first sentence;


Then tell them how you help them achieve their higher eduction goals;
Every time I notice someone struggling with college application, I try my best to help them with completing the process successfully.
Hope you got my point :)

Writing Feedback / Today more people are travleing then ever before; IELTS [4]


You can say this idea more direct and interesting;
Advancement of technology has influenced a rapid development of communication and transportation. ....now link how advanced communication and transportation influenced foriegn travel.



I wish if you rephrased this sentence;
Thanks to modern and advance technology that brought in a rapid development of transportaion modes and options, the time taken for travel has come down drastically.

You can also discuss about how modern communication has influenced people to travel. The internet provides ample information about various travel destinations almost instantly at a very low cost. This fact has boosted the interest in people to travel around the world. Also, availability of online travel services such as e-tickets, e-tour bookings,e-insurance etc. have made travellers life easier by persuading them to travel more conveniently and efficiently.

Undergraduate / Photography, Psychology, Biology/ Personal relationships; Why Skidmore a good match? [5]

You've done a good job and I don't think you need much help :)


I heard the current students passionately talking about their school, activities and majors.


These options at Skidmore drew my attention seriously.



.... break the sentence;
I believe that Skidmore offers me opportunities to explore my interests by double majoring in Psychology and Biology. Also its Photography Club would keep me inspired with my love for photograpy.

Writing Feedback / THROW-AWAY CULTURE IS GOOD OR BAD? - IELTS [3]


I wish if you had stated your opinion in the introduction itself. It helps your examiner to follow your essay in your desired direction. If you take a moderate stance, you can still express it ;

I believe this trend has both positive and negative impacts on the society.


... pay attention to the grammar mistakes you made here. I suggest the word "older" because you are doing an indirect comparison of newer and older products.


.... I suggest the following phrases in place of this;
As for the disadvantages/ The drawbacks of this trend

Scholarship / JOURNALISM/ PEREPARATORY/ PATIENT&HONEST; Scholarship- Why teach?/ Personal Qualities [4]


.... what is your new found passion? I guess it is helping others with their admission process. Isn't it? If so, you need to change the order of this sentence. Here's my suggestion;

I've noticed my new found passion for helping others achieving their higher education goals. ... here don't talk about the college admission process because you talk about it in detail in the next line. Otherwise it would sound repetitive.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Nowadays a growing throw-away culture causes people to throw away their goods [2]


Due to rapid technological advancement endless number of new technological products, decvises adn equipment are introduced to the market almost everyday.



.... I feel this is a bit too long. Also why you talk about research ?Now that you've taken a good entrance to your essay and you need to align your sentences with what the prompt asks. So get on to the point and show them how this trend impact this new culture :)

.

Undergraduate / biochemistry and biotchnology motivation letter for Erasmus Mundus, Medastar Program [2]



Seems a bit too long :(
Chemistry and Biology were my pet subjects during high school days and my enthusiasm for these subjects led me to secure a place in the top five students of the nation at(tell them the title of this exam or competition) Then I pursued a degree in "Chemistry and Micro Biology" at Damanhour University.

Make them one para instead of two

Writing Feedback / Write a short story about a meal at a Thai restaurant [3]


I felt I should write a review on them.


There was no food at home and I decided to explore the dishes at a new restaurant.


.... I feel you don't have to be too very descriptive when you write a review. You must describe moments that you feel worth commenting about such as warm welcome, but not the procedure there.

As I entered the restaurant I was showered with a very warm welcome by the staff.

Writing Feedback / 'requirements and conditions of studying in college' - one national curriculum? [5]

Well....no doubt, you have good writing skills.... However, I would suggest you to practice more with time because these tests have a major bearing on time management. Also, you need to follow their expected structures if you are keen on earning marks. Your practice sessions would greatly help you with preparing you to take up the task very effectively. I find your essay structure needs a little improvement to be in line with the expected essay structure for TOEFL. I don't have much knowledge about GRE task because I haven't taken it. This is the essay structure for TOEFL independent task; Also make sure you leave one blank line in between paras to add a neat and tidy look to your essay that would have your examiner pleased ;)

Essays / For Significant Experience Can I Write about My School Educational Tour? [12]


... What is the purpose of writing this essay? Have they given any prompt or guideline as to what you should write?


.... For us to answer you need to give more details about this task... You also say this is something to do with Common Application. Then why not you post the prompt? If we know the prompt we can certainly provide you with more relevant comments as to how you can get going :)

Graduate / Communication impacts way things happen; SOP- MSc in Marketing Communication. [2]


What do you mean by this? Why you say it's a misunderstanding?





Over the past three years, I understood the importance of the field of marketing communications that equips one with effective tools to reach out to particular target groups.


I am confident that this program would enable me to acquire a vast knowledge in Marketing Communication while gaining required professional skills. This academic exposure would certainly help me broaden my perspectives that would create valuable career opportunities for me in the future.

Graduate / My motivation towards becomming a physician assistant - CASPA narritive [3]

Great start ... good writing :)


.... I wish if you broke this sentence into two ;
The physician assistant profession does not exist in Iceland. During my first semester I came to know about this profession for which I had no previous knowledge.


I became curious and began to research. Then I found out it's an amazing profession in that you can work interdependently with physicians and provide care to patients.


This profession talks to patients heart's and expands our time and skills of the physician to the patients.

Scholarship / A passion for Computer Science - scholarship - Why choose Computer Science? [2]


It keeps advancing everyday that demands people to keep on learning and updating their knowledge with the new advancements. This challanging dynamism amazes and excites my innate curiosity and adventurous nature.


I love those "Aha"moments that come through after long hours spent on finding the appropriate solutions to problems.

Writing Feedback / Analysis of Native American Archetypes [2]


... you have not completed this sentence?


The White Buffalo Woman represents an archetype of the mother of Earth who teaches its tribe the importance of respecting the nature and being a part of it.


The native American myths are much more than just legendary stories or folk tales that pass down from one generation to another. They have a greater depth that discusses about fundamental elements of nature and our purpose in it.

Undergraduate / curriculum-Economics, Neuropsychology& Chinese studies; Why Transfer? [4]


.... I feel this has not come properly :(
How did you come to know about the US education system? It's better to have some reference from where you learned about the US system because that would make your claim more convincing and reasonable. It's always better to support your claims with facts and examples rather than making statements


... what's your major? this lines looks too abrupt.


In my current school, the focus on theory is more while less prominence is given to real life applications.

Undergraduate / Studying with foreign students; My exchange student planner [3]


At first, I was fascinated by the new experiences in foreign countries. However, later I realized it offers much more positive opportunities to an exchange student;

Since you are going to discuss about those positives in forth coming paras,have the semicolon.


... you better say what the benefit of studying them with foreigners. That's the most important point here. Also, since you use the word "first" in the previous sentence, it sounds too repetitive when you use it again. This is my suggestion;

I'm looking forward to study my major courses with foreigners and this would benefit me .... ... tell how it's going to benefit you


Further, being in competition and cooperation among foreign students is a rare experience that you would not get for a second time in life.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Mobile phones for children good or bad? [3]


...irrespective of any age limit


Strong sentence!.... Also, good introduction :)


.... you forgot to mention about camera? :)



.... I wish you present this more descriptively as an example;
Also, parents and children can stay connected more conveniently and efficiently when they are not together and this feature becomes very handy in case of emergency situations.

Overall a very good essay.... Excellent structure, vocabulary and presentation. You display good writing skills. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2. TALENTED PEOPLE [3]


... this sentence is poorly constructed.... It doesn't deliver a relevant idea too....In any society there should be developed people both physically and metnally


Your whole introduction is going a bit out of topic. Your prompt is suggesting you to discuss that whether people are born with talents or they gain talents by training. So you need to answer this in your introduction.


.... this is completely out of topic.
Stick to your prompt and always align what you write with that :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-visiting foreign countries, visitors take advantage of learning the culture [5]


Your idea sounds irrelevant and hence does not add any value for your essay. Keep a close alignment with your prompt...
My suggestion;
People travel for various reasons and tourism is one among the top most reasons for foreign travel. Many tourists make great efforts to learn about culture and traditions of the country they visit. There are various ways that they can experience foreign cultures and traditions. Interaction with locals, Visiting museums and places of historical value are two main ways that foreign visitors could gather such knowledge. However, some visitors are reluctant to explore cultures and traditions because they have different interests of visiting another country.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) Dangerous sports banned or not; Children put themselves in trouble [3]


....this later part makes your sentence very confusing. Do you mean millions people die everyday by taking part in sports.... I don't think this is true


.... this is so only in certain games.... If you take swimming or basketball thought players have certain risks, the spectators generally don't have such risks.


.... this sentence sounds irrelevant for this para.
My advice for you is to limit your body paras to contain just one reason and a specific reason for that. Otherwise, you would have a problem with managing time.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Studying history and literature is more important! [3]


.... better to keep this sentence in present tense.


.... this is a writing task and you write an essay. So don't have numbers, but the words only. :)
Excellent introduction.... Very good presentation of ideas. Also you have followed the most appropriate structure :)


.... this sounds confusing :( .... Its really difficult to catch your idea too


.... this is wrong ... how can evolution be based on history? ....History reveals us how evolution happened.

You need to pay attention to keeping alignment to your topic throughout the essay...It's very important :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Many children these days have their own mobile phones. advantages/disadvantages [3]


.... it's important to have this "a" in this line.


Parents are allowing children to have mobile phones mainly because they want to communicate with their own children.


... I think there are more important negative issues that mobile phones can cause such as addiction to electronic devices, helping crimes, distancing people etc.


misuse of cell phones


.... good sentence.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) Effects of short time work [3]


... Pay attention to my correction. This sounds better


.... sentence is two long and you can easily break it up to two or more :) Or you can sum up present like this;
To begin with people can lead a stress free lives if they work for a limited time. This is a great advantage.


.... Pay attention to the corrections I made here.... It is better to have it said in plural form.

Good body paras... You give a very valid reason and present a specific example to support it . Very Good :)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) MODES OF LEARNING OTHER CULTURE AND TRADITION.. [2]


...good start :)


learning about others' lifestyles help you learn more about those people like their culture, cuisine, beliefs, traditions etc. So I feel you should replace the word "place" with "them"


This is slightly deviating from what your prompts asks. Your prompt talks about;


So... you need to answer why some travelers love to learn culture and traditions while others are not interested in them. Also you need to discuss that how those who love to learn about cultures can learn.

Writing Feedback / The characteristics we are born with or the experiences we have in our life. [3]


... I feel you should present this in a more interesting and simpler tone;
Some people argue that the personality of an individual is more influenced by his or her born characteristics. However the others believe it is the experience which is more instrumental in shaping one's personality.


... I feel "senses" is an inappropriate usage here....It should be "characteristics"


First, it is undeniable that a person is born with certain personality traits.


... In my opinion, I feel you should treat scientists and astrologers separately since they are two different disciplines.


... it should be "based on"

Writing Feedback / IELTS "computers and the Internet are important resources " [5]


... vital role ...."role" is a better word to go with "vital" :)


... your idea has not presented clearly. This is my suggestion;
However, others think that teachers are the best resource for them to acquire knowledge.


Computers and the internet provide students with information abundantly.


In this para you give two reasons why computers and internet are superior resources . However, you do not support with them with any specific examples, which is a must do thing for this task. My suggestion for you is to give only one reason for your opinion and support it with a specific example. It is the best way to handle this task because you have to manage time too. This is my suggestion for this para;

Obviously, computers and the internet play an important role in the students' life by providing ample information more efficiently and conveniently. For example, students of previous generation had to refer so many books to find relevant information for their assignments by spending lots of time in the libraries. However, today with the help of search engines such as google, yahoo etc., we can have convenient access to loads of information withing a very short time spell.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: 'ageing population' topic [2]

Hi,
I think you write pretty good. So I thought giving my suggestions for different presentations of your ideas thinking they may help you during your practice sessions;


This essay is aimed at discussing several issused related with aging population and possible remidial actions that can be employed to address those issues.

As the average life is expectancy increased, several related problems can be anticipated for the working population and the society as a whole. The main issue is that the shortage of work forces which support the development of industry and various businesses will prevent the nation from further developments.

Increase in average life expectancy has a negative impact on the workforce in a society. Such workforces may contain too many older people and less young blood. This not only hinders employment opportunities of the youth but also can affect negatively for new developments and ideas.

Writing Feedback / Some prefer living in places with same weather. Which do you prefer? [4]



... your previous sentence says you generally have a colder weather throughout the year. This highlighted part says the opposite... This tends to confuse the reader :(


This seems to be one para in your essay. However, your whole para is just one sentence :( ... This is what I suggest;
I think it is interesting to live in a place which has different weather conditions. This makes people to look forward to new changes in life and break monotonousness. For example, during summer people can enjoy going out with families and enjoy warmer climates. Then when the autumn breaks in they know they are heading for winter and start getting ready for colder weather. This keep people active and bring in changes to their lives.

Writing Feedback / 'neat and tidy'; Students who can keep their rooms organized are sure to succeed [4]


Aliyev is correct.... Your whole introduction is just one sentence. Do not have such long sentences. Introduction should introduce your topic and inform your opinion to the reader. This is what I suggest;

Some people say that students who keep their own rooms organized are more likely to succeed in life. I too agree with this idea because such students are more self organized than others and by being so they are more focused, less stressful, know their priorities better and think before they act. These are a few of essential skills that one needs for success.


... what do you mean by independence ability? It is something confusing to the reader... Do you mean they are more independent than other guys?

Undergraduate / Working for TSN as a broadcaster; Ryerson U - RTA School of Media Personal Essay [2]



I think you don't have to mention this ... you should make them convinced that you a worthy candidate. So, I feel this line is not adding any value and therefore you can leave it out.


You write in a too desperate tone... You should show your keen interest, but I feel you better change the tone to a more confident candidate who's having a sound footing to follow this degree. Also avoid repetition too;

I always longed for attending Ryerson University in the RTA School of Media because I found my best fit there in pursuing my goal.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) effect of mobile phones on young children. [12]


I guess "device" is a better key word than "gadget" for this idea.
Your introduction is very good!

Your first body para is dedicated to show the positive side of mobile phones. However, I wish if you talked about the negative side in both paras because you hold the opinion that it is bad. So you need to convince the reader more on that direction. If you keep one para positive and the other negative, then you should change your opinion to a more moderated stance;

I am of the view that mobile phones have both positive and negative impacts on children.


.... Whey you say this? You need to specify the reason !

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; What factors contribute to job satisfication? [3]


This is a very important statement for this essay. This is the one you should use to align your writing with what your topic asks from you. This sounds out of topic. The prompt asks you ;

What factors contribute to job satisfication?... this is not about possible parts of job satisfaction but the factors that contribute for a person to have job satisfaction.

My suggestion;
In this essay, I intend to discuss about some important factors that help people to achieve job satisfaction and also to analyse how realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for people at work.



... you cannot have both "let" and "suppose" It should be either "let" or "suppose"

Writing Feedback / Lazy talk - Television is dangerous because it has destroyed the family living and communication. [2]


.... I suggest you to present this differently;
Some people argue that Television distances the family members and negatively impact on family relationships.


.... My suggestion;
However, other people claim that this problem is not caused by Television alone and there are other reasons too that have contributed to this issue. According to them the Internet, newspapers and modern attitudes are a few among those other reasons.

Okkkkkkkkk.... I think you need not to deviate too much from the topic. It asks you whether you agree or disagree that TV is dangerous for family life and communication. I think you better stick to that aspect and not talk about other reasons that could also have similar impacts on family life :)

Undergraduate / Fashion is much more than what meets the eye; Fashion Institute of Technology [3]

hi,
It's good if we have your prompt so that we can provide you with more relevant comments.


Very impressive introduction :)


.... awesome :)


Growing up in a working middle class family, I learned that nothing is palmed off to you and if you need anything desperately, you need to work hard to ,make it happen.

You display excellent writing skills and lots of creativity. Though I have no idea about the prompt, I can guess you have answered it well

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / My home, My community (Michigan Essay) [4]


... "what man has come to achieve" doesn't give me a clear idea as to why you included it... This is my suggestion;

"And I think to myself what a wonderful world..."; these words of Louis Armstrong's popular hit come to my mind every time when I look at everything around me.


I am inspired by every machine that surrounds me, be it a basic screwdriver or a more complicated mmmmm (write a name of a complicated machine that you

interact with :) )


My passion for machines is what motivates me to create more spectacular and wondrous devices that would make a mark on the world.

Undergraduate / U OF T engineering adimission essay; engineer is an appropriate profession for me [4]



... who can influence the world positively. .... "after I grew up" is already implied and having it may sound as repetition.


.... well.... you are trying to generalize an idea (highlighted part) and that makes your essay sounds more stereotype. :(
Many children share this dream in their childhood period.


.... hey.... :D ... Don't call yourself a failure. You have not yet begun the journey :)
I suggest you to take off everything about this failure part. It does not sound prudent for me :)



.... This idea is not presented properly. This is my suggestion;
Since I am a person with analytical skills, I am good at logical reasoning, but not so good at memorizing by heart. This is why I am more attracted to mathematics and not so towards subjects like English and History.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- people have different way of escaping the stress and difficulties [5]


issues are becoming/ issue is becoming


.... let's tell this slightly differently;
Many people find their own ways of relieving stress such as reading books, engaging in physical exercises, listening to music and watching movies etc. ....( good to have a few hobbies that people do to relax)


I think you can present this better... You are going to talk about travel and watching movies as the two best methods for you to relieve stress. So in your body paras you are going to tell why you think so and support your reasons with examples. Therefore, here itself get an entrance to what you are going to tell soon;

For me, travelling and watching movies are the best ways to escape from stress.

Writing Feedback / Should educators be paid according to their students performance? [2]


this sounds a bit awkward .... this is my suggestion;
to the academic performance of students


First, in the learning process, it is not just teachers who are responsible for students' progress.


Have your focus on the most important aspect; it is that students and teachers interact only for a limited time duration of the day. The rest of the day is spent at home.

So, my suggestion;
Teachers are provided with a limited time to interact with the students. Students spend the rest of their day at home. Therefore the teachers cannot be solely held responsible for teaching everything that a student requires.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Advertisements promotes Quality or Quantity? [6]


Good start :)



This sounds out of topic. Your focus should be on advertisements and their role in persuading people to buy more. Keep that alignment throughout your essay. This is what I suggest;

However, I believe that this is an unhealthy trend because it promotes people to give a lesser priority for the quality of goods they purchase and people would end up with buying inferior goods.


... very good point :)