Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement - "Two Worlds Converged" [2]

Interesting kid : )





----- very impressive
I too feel your fourth para does not fit in here. I wish you remove it. Without it, this flows beautifully.
Great job! I enjoyed reading it. Well done and Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / 'all writers started career at their 20s' - Ielts - graph [3]


I hold a different opinion about usage of "it can be seen". I think there is no harm in using this phrase because here you are discussing your observations on a graphical interpretation. It sounds as good as saying " It is shown that..." or " It shows ..."

: )

Writing Feedback / 'experience of survival life, South Pole' - Ielts, task 2 [3]


putted ----- this is wrong. The past tense too is same as its present tense - put

Writing Feedback / 'Competitive life' - Ielts essay [5]

Some people think co-operation approach is plays an important role of nurturingcultivating values inchildren in order to build a peaceful and harmonious society. B ut ,others believe thatone needs competitivecompetition skillsis much significantnot only for survival but also for standing out others too.While it have been belief that children who taught to co-operate will become more useful adults. Now in this essay I will examine both viewsIn my view, I believe that children should be encourged to co-orperate as well as to learn healty competition

Express your opinion about the argument in the introduction itself. It's better to avoid sentences like what I have bolded.

Undergraduate / (to devote myself to mathematics) UCAS Personal Statement about Mathematics [3]

We will help you improve your SOP. But you need to do it and post it to the forum.
If you need ideas as to how you could do a good SOP, google for "writing SOP effectively"

Writing Feedback / A nation should be responsible for the health, welfare and prosperity of its citizens [5]

What is this the full task topic?
With what you have provided, I guess the topic is more focussed on the idea that all three areas - health, wealth and prosperity are equally important for a nation and it is the responsibility of the nation to maintain a good balance of all three. Giving low priority anyone of these may cause disastrous effects to a nation. However, your introduction does not seem to be aligned in this direction.

Undergraduate / Speeches, oh the dread of which you bring to me! [Significant Challenge - 200 words] [6]

wow....very impressive. I love it too : )


I think this is very good piece of advice.


that helps you to be a creative writer ; )

Writing Feedback / 'Positive, acceptable, truthful, and loyal' - a good friend essay [3]

Great effort Salikron... we would help you at our best! I'm too a non native English speaker and made use of this website for improving my English. This is a great place for keen learners like you. Read as many as you can... I think that are written on IELTS and TOEFL topics are the best for you to start with since they talk about general things that you do in your day to day life.

Writing Feedback / 'The source of media and private information about famous people' band according to IELTS [4]


----- the word people itself is a plural word and therefore do not use "s" after this word.


Start sentences with a capital letter.... when you practice have that habit because you may make the same mistake in the test too.

Undergraduate / 'Los Angeles culture' - UC prompt#1; My parents are both from Egypt [7]


I think this sentence contains almost everything about you and it is the core of your story. Present it with more effect and creatively relate it to the different facets of you. The following is just a suggestion of mine and I know you can present it much better:

Walking in the hot sun in the plateau of Giza feeling the warmth of the rocks and sand beneath my feet to see the great pyramids in just a couple of feet away from me, I know that this place isn't just a holiday destination for me and my family. Everything about this place keeps reminding me of our heritage that binds our heart and soul throughout our lives; Yes, I am Egyptian. My parents migrated to Los Anglese, to an unknown land where they hoped to gain opportunities for their off-spring.

Also organize the flow of your ideas better by arranging them in a logical sequence. I have traveled in Egypt and I endorse your claim that it is truly an amazing place and you deserve to be proud to call yourself an Egyptian :)

Writing Feedback / 'better standard of living for people' - ielts - 2 task [4]


--------------------- well-off means wealthy... migrations take place from poor to the rich countries


-------- This sentence is very confusing to the reader and we don't get what you try to mean... Better rephrase it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: WHETHER BOTTLED WATER SHOULD BE BANNED [3]

In my perspective, it's clear that bottle water should be banned in order ensure consumer rights and prevent the privatization of water

---------- previous sentences talks of pollution by introducing plastic bottles to the environment. However, in this sentence you say that consumers rights need to protected. As a reader I was struggling to establish a link between the too. Then when I read your body paras I realized that these are the two reasons you talk about supporting your opinion. So its better you mention about consumer rights also before this sentence to avoid confusion of the reader.

Your essay structure meets the expectation of this type of tasks. You've done a good job!
Practice with more topics and read good essays posted to this forum and you'll head to a flying score!
: )

Undergraduate / 'Learning in America' - Describe the world you come from (my immigration) [2]

Well.... your writing is clear and direct. However, it's better if you make it more interesting by arousing the reader's interest if you want it to stand out the applications. So make sure that this essay should command the attention of the admissions committee. Will they read this whole essay with an open mind being convinced that this is the kind of student they want? Will they remember this application later? I guess you need a "hook".

I suggest you to start with the last sentence of this para and build up the story. i.e. the moment you had to leave to a distant unknown land leaving your precious mom at home without knowing whether she would ever make it to join the family again. Make your essay more creative and emotional. :)

Writing Feedback / 'complicated thinking skills' - IELTS: the main function of university [5]


.... when you rearrange the order it reads well;
Should they give knowledge and skills to the graduates....


State your opinion in the introduction. That helps the reader to follow your direction and also earn your marks : )

Writing Feedback / 'positive and inspirational trend' - IELTS: Creative artists' freedom [3]


This sentence is too long so that the reader gets distracted confused and struggle to understand what you try to say. Try not to cramp up too many ideas into one sentence. Also you should use the most appropriate word at the right place and at the right time and avoid use the synonyms extensively because they may not be the appropriate words always. Write your ideas in a simple sentences with the words you are thorough while keeping a logical flow of ideas. That helps reader to follow your essay with ease and the reader likes it because he likes less effort to put for understanding.

I suggest you to read the following thread which is written on the same topic.... This person writes very short sentences, but they all are very factual and meaningfully supports the topic.

Writing Feedback / Essay about taxation to reduce air traffic - feedback [4]


When you say air transportation is significant, you need to tell the reader why you say so. In what way or why it is significant?

Undergraduate / 'Santoor music' - Stanford roommate short essay [4]

:D

You can even say:
... I am sure you would be on my side------ poor fellow wont have any chance but to say yes to you :PAlso, I am wondering whether you should introduce yourself at the very beginning giving some personal details. I feel the introduction comes a little late although you have nicely presented it:

Why I say that is, you are talking to someone who does not have any idea about your existance and he would, for sure, like to know your name and where you come from. So I feel you better first introduce yourself, i mean your name at least before coming to your personal traits and other stuff. In my view, this should happen sooner, at least in the second or third sentence, if not in the first one itself. :D

Hope my comments are helpful. However, you've done a good job :- )

Undergraduate / 'Santoor music' - Stanford roommate short essay [4]


I feel this part needs to be tackled more politely. When you say I don't like this, that and the other, it gives the impression that you are a choosy guy. You can indicate your dislikes in a more diplomatic way :D

e.g. :
I am keen on keeping our room clean and tidy and hope you too would be on my side. :D

Undergraduate / 'losing my first election' - 2nd UC PROMPT [3]

I too feel the same way : )

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Improving conditions - Has human harmed the Earth or made it a better place? [4]


--- "living standard" is the appropriate usage here



You need to pay a lot of attention to grammar and constructing your sentences in a more organized manner. You should complete one idea before start writing about the other. That's important to arrange a good flow of your ideas that the reader would find easy to follow. Practise with shorter sentences first.

Writing Feedback / Is money synonymous to success? [3]


Very true.... Good opening : )


I would suggest:
Many may consider that being successful means realizing their career and personal dreams.

Writing Feedback / 'money-centered people' - Judging person by his social status and material possessions - ielts [3]




It is not clear what idea you support.

I think you have very good writing skills and with a unique style fo writing. However, I feel you better pay a little more attention to clarity because sometimes the real idea does not come out when the sentence is too crowded.

You have a great potential to try for a flying score and wish you all the best with IELTS :)

Writing Feedback / IElLTS - reducing pollution and damage to the remote environments [4]



--------- from tourist's perspective


Your ideas end up abruptly... avoid this trend because it tends to confuse the reader. Limit one idea to one sentence to improve clarity of your writing .

I know this is a bit tough topic for you to write an interesting essay. However, you need to pay a little more attention to the expected structure and align your writing with that. Just refer to the link I'm copying below and read my comment there to understand what I mean.

The threads that I have given in that link are well aligned with this structure. Once you parctise it's really easy and help you manage time well at the exam as well as earn marks :)

Writing Feedback / Fast food brings us more avails than drawbacks (IELTS task 2) [11]

Yep:

1. Intro: introduction +opinion
2. 1st Body Para : reason +example
3. 2nd Body Para: reason +example
4. Conclusion: sum of all above

Writing Feedback / IELTS,ESSAY with topic Relationship between different countries [5]

Hi : )

Let's take ur intro:


Your topic asks you whether you agree or disagree. So you need to state your opinion in the introduction that would help navigate the reader in your desired direction. The general statements like the last sentence you have written (i have striked it off) do not add much value for your essay. So state your opion in the intro itself. It is even better if you can briefly introduce the reasons to the reader in the intro itself. Just have a look at this sample intro:

Some people believe that the importance of maintaining cordial relationships between countries has become much more significant in the modern world unlike in the previous eras. I too hold this opinion for the reason that countries today are no more isolated due to heavy effects of globalization that can cause adverse consequences if the nations do not possess good relationships with one another.

Your first body para is not well organized. My advice for you is to pick one reason to say why you hold your opinion. Let's take it as economic reasons for this essay. Then tell the reader how bad relationships disturb the economies of the countries. Or how countries can prosper economically having good relationships. Give one example to this reason.

Pay more attention to the essay structure and managing time! I recommend reading some of the good essays written for similar tasks that you find in this forum to get the knack of this structure. Also these are common topics and you may be able to pick points to prepare for this task:

GOOD LUCK! : )

Writing Feedback / Fast food brings us more avails than drawbacks (IELTS task 2) [11]

I think you've done a real good job. Your essay structure meets expectations of the examiners. You display good writing skills and vocabulary. So basically you need not to worry :)

Few things I noted;



I suggest;
This is evidenced by the conveninent and time effective solutions they offer.

Writing Feedback / Friendship and financial matters essay - money can harm relationship? [4]


yep... you give reasons how money can affect adversly a friendship but you don't support them with examples. Give one reason and then support it with a solid example. That's more conceivable to the reader and that's the way to earn marks :)

You display good writing skills, excellent vocabulary and an interesting style of writing. Just follow the required essay structure.

Graduate / My family considers Education is a must ; Statement of Purpose/Petroleum Engineering [4]

Well... I suggest you to write about how you developed your passion for the field of engineering in your introductory para. And in that you can talk about the factors that motivated you and can talk about your family influence and the background. Have more emphasis on how you are passionately involved with this field.

Then in your proceeding paras tell them convincingly that you are equipped with everything, both academically and personally to follow this course and take up all the challenges. For this purpose you need to talk about your credentials, achievements, experiences etc.etc.

Do antoher draft and post it... don't worry about grammar too much because people who are here would certainly help you. This is a place you find free on-line help and make use of it and make sure you would help others too :)

Take this advice of singmearainbow too:

Writing Feedback / [IELST task 2] Topic parents or school should teach children [2]


This opening statement sounds a bit deviated from the topic which deals more with teaching children social skills than academic stuff. So, better you align this sentence with what is expected by the topic.



This is what you call imprinting. Children imprint their parents' behavior. So children of well behaved parents are more likely to be well behaved :D


---------- I find this difficult to relate to what you were talking :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid commu [7]


Good intro :)


Very good factual reasons. However, you need to support it with an example. For instance, tell that you gained those skills while you were engaged in such work : )


.... This is ok, but you can even leave this out because you have already given one solid reason above... most important thing is that you give an example for that reason. And also be mindful about the time factor which is a critical factor for this type of exams. If you can come up with just one good reason and an example to support it, that's the best for you to earn marks during a limited time frame.

Undergraduate / 'the way I have been raised' - Personal statement for UC admissions [9]

Okkkkk... ....
Why repost your final version... then I can have a look at it having the infor you provided with me. Also, if wish to be in touch with me via personal mails for this application, give me your e-mail address and I will write to you.

Undergraduate / My Father - A person who have important influence on my life. [3]

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay : Borrowing money from a friend is harmful to friendship [2]


Good start. However, I prefer if you say it this way :
When you are in need, you often look at your loved ones such as friends and family for help.

Undergraduate / 'the way I have been raised' - Personal statement for UC admissions [9]

Hi,

Is there any particular word count for your SOP? Generally they dont have.

If you dont have such a requirement, don't try to lengthen it by repeating ideas. The only issue I see in your essay is that you do not talk much about your credentials. You talk a series of events and experiences that nurtured a love for studying psychology. It's important but you need to have other dimensions also displayed in the SOP. Remember, your personal statement is the one that makes the first impression about you.

Also I feel that it is better to avoid highlighting your weaknesses or the things you dont have. Why dont you take the extra curricular part out?

Graduate / 'living up to the high expectations' - sop for ms mechanical engineering [6]

Come on... you dont seem to be a dull person though you study dull things which have less human interactions :D

Also, human beings are clever in adding colors to any dull subject :D

Writing Feedback / 'improvement of education' - change something in your hometown [5]


That is something you can fix quickly through learning. However, in essay writing you need more things; good points that are meaningful and relevant to your topic, a good essay structure, a good organization of your ideas.

So you need to pay attention to that aspects as well. : )
We are here to help you with your efforts :D

Writing Feedback / Bad sides in public hospitals and the gap between the rich and the poor [4]



.... before coming to this point try to set up a link between immoral behaviours of people and how situations can be exploited by the people who have power and wealth. You need one sentence before this one to establish that link, otherwise the flow is not properly arranged. I suggest something like;

Selfishness, corruption and the misuse of power can be frequently observed almost in every society.






[quote=Heina]Public health services are things which are very "luxurious" for the poor.[/quote]---------- I feel this is a poor sentence. It does not convey a meaningful idea. What do you really try to say?

You write well .... with more practise you will improve more :)

Writing Feedback / The average weight of people is increasing/ What do you think about this trend? [7]

Well... the body paras are quite good with lots of meaningful facts. I found some grammar issues and I guess that you tend to make those mistakes when you write very lengthy sentences. So, avoid writing long sentences.

Graduate / 'living up to the high expectations' - sop for ms mechanical engineering [6]

Hi

Well... seems you are such a techieeeeee :D
So does your SOP with full of technical jargon which I dont understand half of it :D
I don't find any grammar or any other writing issues here, but your approach seems a bit like reporting things. I wish if you give it a more emotional appeal.

: )

Writing Feedback / 'improvement of education' - change something in your hometown [5]


Well.... I think you should come to your topic sooner without dragging too much. You have consumed three sentences to talk about change and it's implications on life. Your topic asks you if you are to change something in your town, what it would be. I feel you need to be focussed to address that.