Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus scholarship- Global market, local creativity SOP [2]

I reviewed your essay several times and have come to the conclusion that you forgot to integrate the potential topic of your masters thesis (which can be changed later on). I guess that was an oversight on your part since you have shown an interest in the course that clearly has a direction in relation to your studies and what you want to accomplish in the future. Try to develop a clear thesis statement that would relate to the Thailand Transformation 4.0 Policy. That way you can show an applicability of your studies to your professional career upon your return home. It would also be better to not have a defeatist attitude in this essay by removing paragraph 3 in the presentation. Revise the content to remove the "I asked about and questioned the relevance of" section. That could be a negative mark in terms of considering your application.

Undergraduate / "Crescendo" - Yale RD Supplements [2]

One Question / Topic Per Thread

You do not really respond to the question of why these areas of of study appeal to you. I am not sure what your chosen major actually is so I cannot give course specific advice at this point. I can only base my advice to you on what i sense is missing from your statement. Speaking of why you fell in love with a musical instrument is a good reference point for your response. However, you haven't gone into specifics regarding the areas of study that relate to your chosen major and the personal consideration or academic reason for your interest. Try to create a more descriptive response presentation that delves into the 2 areas that reflect the appeal that this area of study has for you. Cite one academic reason and one academic reason. I would have liked to have been more specific in advising you but the information you provided is too general for. I do not want to end up guessing and giving you the wrong advice in relation to the prompt.

Scholarship / Stipendium Hungaricum - Motivation letter bachelor scholarship Europe [3]

Strengthen the opening statement by using your own words rather than the words of other people to describe your motivation for your studies in this field. While Nikola Tesla may have said it best, he will also be quoted by more than a dozen or so students during this application period. The man has been over quoted by student applicants ever since Elon Musk referred to the man as his inspiration. You need to come across as an original, not a wannabe Tesla. Refer to a particular interest in food technology. Your reference to grocery shopping as a child is so simplistic, it will make that statement unbelievable to the reviewer. A specific point of interest could be the canning or bottling process, the dehydration process, or fresh farm to table delivery system. I am sure you can come up with other, more applicable references in relation to your particular interest in the field.

The second paragraph can be better presented as your possible thesis for your graduation year. It comes across as interesting enough since you want to combine your interest in machine mechanics and food engineering. It seems to go hand in hand in your discussion, making it a good thesis representation. Don't worry, you can change that in the future.

The third paragraph doesn't combine the mechanics and natural food preservation goal that a student with your interests should have. Remember, at this point, you should be showing how you will apply what you will be learning in a manner that will make the system applicable in Indonesia. I do not get a sense of that connection in the discussion.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - My experience with grandma's Alzheimer's [3]

In an adjusted format, this essay could be used to refer to prompt number 5 or prompt number 7. I believe it would be better suited as an open topic essay with a prompt created by you personally as the referenced situation is not an event or accomplishment, not a realization of the instant kind as it took place over several months. So the open topic essay would be a better fit for it.

To make the presentation more effective, you can remove the reference to the gap year, Red Crescent Movement, but retain the reference to giving back to the elderly. Do not use the quote from your grandmother. This is one time when you do not need the words of others to strengthen the representation of your story.

Scholarship / Children's Literature, Media, and Culture program [2]

The first paragraph is all over the place. That should be the motivating statement in the essay. Yet you do not speak of an actual motivation. You are speaking of a confusing learning history involving your mother, languages, and literature. Since you are applying to get accepted into a literature masters course, your motivation focus should be on the professional development of that interest in relation to your career progression.

Do not make a claim that you have the experience and knowledge to participate in the Transcultural Trajections pathway, prove that through your statements that show your relevant qualifications instead. Let the reviewer be the judge of whether you are qualified or not. Making such a boisterous claim normally irritates the reviewer, who sees that type of statement more as the student trying to defend his weak qualifications instead.

Your essay fails to present several information marks that the reviewer needs to know about. The missing elements include:
- A reference to the courses offered in the program during both years
- Your (tentative) dissertation topic
- Personal, professional, and academic achievements that would highlight your ability to succeed in completing this course.

You have to refer to your masters studies and career progression since in relation to your chosen PhD course. There is plenty of room for improvement in your essay. Revise the content so that you can reflect all of the necessary requirements, not just a few of them.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing task 1] Diagram: Transformation of a university campus [3]

How many diagrams? Be specific, the comparisons could be based on several diagrams. The reader needs the specifics. So 2 diagrams compare the set up for the campus based on what? It is not from 2010 until now. Rather, it is a comparison of 2 diagrams based on images from 2010 and the current year. The phrase "until now" would refer to a continuous set of images that show consistent changes from 2010 leading up to the present time. This is an incorrect information reference that could reduce the accuracy score of your report.

You are not fully utilizing your ability to make a clear data report. You only wrote 153 words which, though over the minimum requirement, limited your ability to get better C&C and GRA scores. Simply completing the basics of the task are not enough. Try to write more about the images, without using non-academic writing techniques (etc. and the use of ellipses) which would lower your GRA score. You are relying only on 2 sentence representations when it is the minimum 3 sentence presentation that will allow you to get a better overall score.

Writing Feedback / Reasons why not settle down in another planet [2]

You are making unverified claims in your opening sentence that do not comply with the original prompt statement. There is nothing "obvious" about finding new planet to house humans. Nor is this a "hotly debated issue". Such unsupported claims, meaning the original prompt does not refer to such statements, means you have exaggerated your presentation by giving an opinion when it was not required in the response statement. As you forgot to place the original prompt with your response, I cannot verify the appropriateness of your response in comparison to the actual discussion requirement. Kindly post the full prompt next time along with your essay.

Your discussion paragraph rely too much on word fillers and less on actual analytical representation of your discussion. Always start with the topic sentence instead of a 2 sentence introduction. That does not help to present a clear discussion pattern in your presentation. Your reasoning presentations are not fully explained nor supported with additional data based on personal knowledge or public opinion. Both reasons would have increased your C&C score.

The conclusion is less than the required 40 words. There is no clear summary of the presentation. Only a reference to a personal opinion, which created an open ended essay. There is no proper conclusion summary presented, which will have an effect on your TA score in a negative manner.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - digital books will dominate traditional ones in the near future [2]

The original prompt for this essay requires an extent response. You have not discussed the essay as per the required topic and presentation format. The response you have provided is incorrect. The comparison of the original prompt to your version clearly shows the discrepancy in translation that cause the overall failure of the presentation.

Original Topic: In the future, nobody will buy printed newspapers or books
Original Reason: they will be able to read everything they want online without paying.
Original Discussion Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this stetement?

Your Topic: It is a common belief that buying and reading printed books is the best way to broaden our horizons.
Your Reason: approaching newspapers or books via technological devices is moderately ubiquitous due to the amenities it brings to us.
Your Response: No Response

As you can see, there is no semblance of similarity between the original discussion points and your interpretation. As such, the overall essay response / discussion represents an unrelated discussion presentation. Since the essay does not follow the instructions provided in the original, the response cannot be properly judged. It does not represent the required scoring requirements.

Undergraduate / NUS Personal Statement, "elaborate your achievements and their relevance to your chosen course" [3]

Try to refocus your discussion on medical technology. That is the obvious focus of your essay, but it is muddled by the lack of clarity in the direction of your discussion. Open your discussion with a reference to your interest in your chosen course, computer programming right? Just make sure that your opening paragraph combines your interest in medical technology with coding so that the importance of your achievements in the related fields are better highlighted.

The opening sentence could be better structured, there is no relation between your being a naturally inquisitive teenager with the award that you received. Rather, connect the award with healthcare and medical technology or, medical technology alone since that would end up being the focus of your coding studies. The program you attended in Italy is important to the discussion, but the volunteer work does not relate to achievements, nor are these references relevant to your course. You can delete that part of the presentation and replace it with more focused reference sentences instead.

Scholarship / (GKS-G/KGSP-G) Personal Statement - Global Studies Major [4]

Your motivation is not helpful to your application. You refer to only having quality education as a way to improve your life. Specifically, improving your education through scholarships, thus improving your life in the process. The only people who speak that way in application essays are professional students who have turned scholarship application and studying into their career. Earning money through scholarships and living day to day through scholarship allowances and housing programs. That is not the image you want to portray for yourself in the eyes of the reviewer. Better rephrase that section.

You have failed to show that you have the skills required for research, investigation, and thesis writing. Simply mentioning your thesis is not going to qualify your talents and skills in the interest of the masters course.

Develop the Korea interest through a better discussion of the time you spent in South Korea and how you lived there. How you developed as a person based on Korean influence would be a nice touch. Avoid statements such as "As far as I know" and "I think..." these make you appear uncertain of your application. Those phrases remove the convincing power of your statement. Uncertainty means you might even change your mind about your GKS application in the end.

Undergraduate / "I want to kill myself" - Brown PLME Supplemental Essay #2 [3]

Okay, the essay effectively portrays the meaning of professionalism, based on your understanding as per a particular situation you were faced with. This is a good response. However, you failed to describe what the profession of a doctor means to you. You kept on repeating the fact the person who taught you the meaning of professionalism through action was not a doctor, so that negates it application as a part of the explanation for the profession of a physician or doctor. You totally skipped out on that discussion in the essay. Healthcare is a reference that covers many fields, it does not necessarily refer to a physician's job. You better revise the essay to reflect the last part of the requirement. You can use the "I want to kill myself" part as it makes for an interesting hook. However, the lack of response relevance is what will totally ruin an otherwise interesting opening statement in the presentation.The physician discussion must be as well developed as the "professionalism" discussion. Balance the presentation. Try to Stay within 125 words for each topic so that you will have an even presentation of both in the essay.

Undergraduate / Give us an example of how the pandemic has changed your involvement in the commUBC Personal Profile [2]

The response told me more about the death of your grandmother than your involvement in a community or group that you consider important. The question asks you to consider how you have changed in terms of community participation because of Covid 19. So the essay should focus on your community activities such as volunteering at the local senior home, participation in medical missions, participation in outreach programs, and other similar activities. The idea is to show that you know how to adjust to the changing times, still being able to carry on with activities you consider important in a virtual or physically adjusted capacity. There is no sense of that in your essay because the focus was on the death of your grandmother and the effect it had on you on a personal basis. That has nothing to do with your community or group involvements.

Undergraduate / The Happy Little Cow. I am from Dominican Republic, a poor country. [2]

The essay is touching, but lacking in focus. I am not sure what prompt you are responding to at this point. The prompt for the personal statement or application essay specific discussion essays, help to give your writing direction and purpose. Right now, the writing separates into 3 presentations. All of these presentations are notable and useful, which is why I need to see the prompt requirements before I can tell you how to improve on this personal statement. Is this an open topic? A background story? A talent reference? Should you expand on the cow reference to your personality? Which of these are you supposed to be writing about? Like I said, the essay is good, but without proper instructions to follow, it is just all over the place. It doesn't have a point nor make a point at the moment.

Writing Feedback / People's opinions differ as to whether to get a job or continue their education [2]

This essay would get an automatic failing score based solely on the limited word count. Writing 200 out of 250 words means the word count deductions will be so severe, your essay may not be able to achieve a passing score. Your paragraphs are incompletely presented and developed. There is no comparison of the 2 public points of view, prior to your personal opinion presentation. The essay does not follow the either of the required writing formats. The acceptable formats are:

- Topic + Discussion of public opinion + Personal opinion of the public opinion + explanation + supporting example (optional)
- 1st point of view topic + public explanation + example (done twice for both public viewpoints) then the personal opinion presentation

The concluding summary is too short. It does not reflect a proper 40 word (minimum) summary of the discussion presentation. This essay does not work as a discussion presentation for these reasons. In your future essays, focus on increasing your word count first. Once you already write more than 250 words (275-290 being ideal), then you can focus on the discussion format and content presentation.

Scholarship / I wanted good grades - PERSONAL STATEMENT KGSP [3]

Since the scholarship applications do not start till next year, you have time to write the personal statement for your application. What you have here is just a draft that is not really compliant with the content requirements. You need to get a copy of the application forms, which are available online, so that you can structure your drafts towards the actual prompt requirements covering:

- Your family background
- Achievements
- motivation to study in Korea

among other things. You cover some of those aspects in this draft, but you need to get into a more serious presentation of your background in relation to your application. Based on what you have presented here, I can tell you that you carry some of the qualifications the GKS look for in a candidate. However, these are not strongly presented in this draft. You should build on most of the ideas you present here based on the actual requirements for next year's round of applicants.

Undergraduate / The practical values of Liberal Arts - WESLEYAN ADDITIONAL ESSAY [4]

Your response does not fit the prompt. The last paragraph should be the overall basis of your expanded response. The question being asked is about how a liberal arts degree has practical value. So there is no sense in discussing your background and epiphany that does not relate to the question. You obviously need help in responding to this because you failed to realize that your second paragraph is what actually carries the relevant response, although you failed to build up on that presentation. Delete your first paragraph. Work on expanding the last paragraph as your response instead. The practical value should apply based on how you see yourself getting the relevant education and applying it to both your personal and professional life. Think of it this way, "How will the liberal arts course help you become a better person?" There lies the practical value of the course.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Learning about the past - It is often said that there is no point in studying history [2]

You only need up to 290 words to discuss this essay. Never forget that you have to write a perfect essay, not just a long essay. Use most of the time to clean up your work, rather than just type away, assume that it is perfect, then submit for a grade. That cockiness is what has proven to be the undoing of the students who do not listen to me, and would rather listen you their ego stroking friends and members at this forum who believe they are better than the actual educational consultant.

Your paraphrase uses the term "incompatible" rather than "useless", which is the more appropriate term to use as an alternate word for "no value". The topic reasoning changed because of your improper use of English vocabulary. You failed to outline the 2 topics for your complete disagreement with this point of view. So there are no summarized reasons for your opinion, which also serves as the discussion outline for the presentation.

Use topic sentences instead of sentence fillers in your essay. You are not being scored on the number of English words that you know, which create an unnecessarily long presentation, but senseless paragraph. Get to the point immediately. The score is based upon how well you can present your English discussion, using comprehensive statements, not long winded vocabulary exercises.

Writing Feedback / Public career and job satisfaction - Writing Task 2 [3]

There are several problems with your presentation:
- Incorrect paraphrasing
- Incorrect response to the given instruction
-Incorrect paragraph formatting
-Incorrect conclusion

These are the reasons that your essay will fail the test. Specific reasons for failure are:

Paragraph 1: Prompt paraphrase- There are no reference points to recent decades in the original presentation. You are including non-essential information rather than restating the facts as provided. This is a discussion, not a hotly debated topic. There is no reference to such in the original. There is also a need to compare both points of view before you present a personal opinion. You changed the discussion instruction from comparative to single opinion.

Paragraph 2: Sentence structure issues. Lack of connecting word usage within sentences. Change of discussion focus from working for the same company to the government cannot tackle the problem of joblessness. The paragraph disconnects the two topics. Only the first topic is connected to the actual discussion.

Paragraph 3: Focuses on staying at the same company, just like paragraph 2, rather than discussing why people should move from job to job. Prompt deviation number 2. Points deductions again.

* There is no personal opinion that compares the two public points of view. Incorrect paragraph formatting.

The essay will fail because you did not meet the writing requirements of the task. Prior to writing these essays, you should familiarize yourself with the various response formats first. That way you will give yourself the opportunity to identify the differing discussion concepts and presentations as required to pass the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 the number of books borrowed from four villages [3]

The report does not have comprehensive information. You have gone directly to the trending statement and information presentation. You totally avoided the Summary Overview which is almost half the total score for the essay. Do not expect to get a passing score when you have not completely met the writing requirements for the task. Your presentation must always start with the summary overview as that helps the reader create a mental image of the discussion you are presenting. Without it, the reader has no idea:

- What the topic is about
- What sort of image is presented
- What data accompanies the analysis of the information

An incomplete summary means that you did not really outline your presentation prior to writing. It means that your work is sloppy and not worth the time it took for you to type up. Even though you presented 155 words, that is no assurance that you have met all of the task requirements for the essay. Never take shortcuts. Always be informative. Start with a summary overview otherwise, your TA score will suffer immensely.

Let me be clear, describing the image in the title does not equate to a summary overview.

Research Papers / Antibiotic Resistance in Pediatric Patients [2]

The first paragraph should deliver a focused history of the use of antibiotics in children and the commonly known resistance that children have to it. You are discussing antibiotics in relation to adult concepts and usage. You are writing a paper about pediatric patients so you should have the right discussion foundation for it at the start. The history, your research topic, and basis for your research should be summarized and presented in the first paragraph for expanded development in the next presentation paragraphs.

Your information throughout the essay is focused on "basic" people not "pediatrics". You have to do more research that focuses on the data regarding pediatric application of antibiotics. Otherwise the paper you are presenting does not make sense in relation to the given title. You are going from pediatrics, to over prescription, to flu shots, creating a highly confusing rather than informative data driven piece of writing.

Undergraduate / Caring - UBC: "Tell us about who your are and what are you proud of?" [3]

This is a good approach to the presentation. You asked your friend to actually help you respond to the question, which is why I could sense the honestly and impartial point of view being presented in that paragraph. However, in the part where you said "Many people would say", it would be better to use a specific group of people as referred to in the original prompt. You can say that your parents perceive you as such or, refer to your teachers or community group members since you are referring to secondary school in that section. Try to have a specific reference to what you are most proud of though. That has been lost in the discussion and has been weakened by having several, rather than a central focus / topic for that response paragraph.

Research Papers / Colonizing Mars and the Death of Earth [2]

Do not open the presentation with a paraphrasing, direct quote, or reference to Elon Musk. You do not need Elon Musk to speak for you in this essay. Rather, you need to let the reader know exactly what you think about this topic. Why chose it, why it matters to you that you research this possibility, and what you hope will result from the presentation of the information you have chosen to discuss. Why should we care about the latest developments in aeronautics engineering? How does that relate to the damage of the earth? You are trying to discuss way too many topics in this paper. The debate regarding the possibility of colonizing Mars cannot be discussed in the same paper with actual clarity and expansive information presentation. Not based on the length of the paper you have presented here. Is this paper about Elon Musk? Space X? Dragon Technologies? Or what? The paper has way too many quotations within it for it be considered a serious researched opinion paper. Rather, the severe percentage of citations would make this paper merely a cut and paste presentation that could garner you a less than stellar grade upon submission. If you wrote this paper yourself, then it has room for improvement. If you paid someone to write this paper for you ( and I am not saying that you did), then, you should ask for your money back.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay open topic for engineering - Puzzle Pieces [2]

This portion of any application is always meant to help you focus on a particular talent, ability, skill, or information that you were not allowed to discuss or thresh out in the previous application documentations and essays. In this case, you tried to write a vast ranging personal statement, which left me really bored towards the middle part. You are trying to discuss too much, without really focusing on a particular aspect for discussion. That is how you lose your reader. You have to focus on only one or two related topics for this essay. That way your presentation has a true foundation, actual purpose for discussion, and serves as an enhancing piece of information along with your other essays. I cannot tell you which aspect of this essay you should focus on in this presentation. You have presented so many facets to your interest, its development, and your quest for perfection that I feel the choice of which topics relate to tell a clear story on your part should remain a personal decision for you. However, if you press me to make a decision. I would focus on developing the final paragraph of your discussion as the main topic for this essay. I feel that it gives more of an insight into your interest in the course you have chosen more than anything else that you have presented and discussed in this essay.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Msc in Marketing in Dublin [2]

As you are discussing an interest in Marketing based on a masters degree foundation, you should avoid references to "as a child". The reviewers do not really believe anybody who refers to having a keen sense of observation as a child. Specially when seeking advanced studies. Change that to simply an observation you have made over the years, which led to your interest in marketing. Focus more on Marketing as it applies to your current profession rather than explaining your interest in marketing from such trivial references as commercial jingles, creative narrative, etc. It just makes you sound too juvenile in what should otherwise be a highly adult presentation of your interests. Try to aim for a professional tone instead. Pretend you are applying for a job, how would you present yourself? Do it that way.

Paragraph 3 is part of your motivation for studies, not your personal statement. That should be removed and placed in the more appropriate discussion essay. You failed to really explain why you have chosen the Trinity College Dublin as a part of your personal statement. The explanation for that should be based more on your desire to grow as an individual since this is a personal statement. The academic reason, should be presented in the letter of motivation.

Letters / Motivation Letter - Erasmus Mundus scholarship - Smart System Integration Solution (SSIs) [2]

You have delivered your academic motivation clearly in this presentation. However, you failed to explain why you have chosen to study under the EM scholarship program, what motivated the choice of the scholarship, and what factors led to your choice of university? The application cannot be judged on your academic interests alone. You need to balance the discussion. Revise the total essay to help you better integrate and reflect upon the other information requirements as I have indicated. This is a good motivation letter, but it lacks the other required information in the presentation. So you will have to lessen the academic presentation, or make it more concise, so that you can include other aspects of the motivational sort as well.

Writing Feedback / Soccer players - IELTS WRITING TASK 1: Bar chart [2]

The summary overview has 2 problems:
- Lack of sports listing based on the image provided
- Lack of synonym usage for the reference to male and female

There is a questionable reference in your presentation as well. You claim that the chart shows the percentage. However, upon close scrutiny of the provided image, there is no reference to a percentage measurement? Did you just guess that? Do not make any guesses about information. Since this is a data report, it needs to be accurate to the letter. For this report, I will take your word for it and believe that you are referring to percentage measurements, just for the sake of argument.

Save for these observations, I would have to say that your report is accurate enough. It shows a proper range of GRA skills, but lacks in proper synonym usage and sentence structure. There are also situation where you should be using connecting words such as "the" but fail to do so. These are minimal errors that do not impede the understanding of your essay. While there will be some deductions for the sentence structure errors, it will not prevent your essay from achieving at least a passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Essay about the cycling process of used bottles [2]

Specificity when describing the image will help with your Task score as the reference to the image allows you to show a better and comprehensive understanding of the English language. A more detailed image description shall help to increase your LR score as well. While you described the image as simply an "illustration", using a more complex description such as "procedural illustration" accomplishes 2 things:

- It helps to show an advanced English vocabulary
- It gives an accurately detailed description of the image provided in a manner that is not close in any way, to the original prompt description

Your trending statement and first procedure paragraph are composed mostly of long sentences that try to combine more than 1 discussion point in the presentation. Split these up into proper simple and complex sentence to help improve your GRA score. Use a balanced mix of 3-5 sentences in the paragraphs to offer yourself a better chance at clearly explaining the image and, increasing your C&C score. These will be supported by a higher TA score in the process.

Since there are steps being depicted in the image, you should use alternative words for "steps" in the paragraphs to differentiate and lead the reader through the first to last production process. Words such as action, mode, or set-up would have been excellent alternative word descriptors for "steps". Using varied vocabulary for the same word will always help improve your LR score as you manage to prove your actual English word familiarity level in relation to proper word meaning usage (beginner, intermediate, advanced).

Undergraduate / Graduate Early from High School Prompt [2]

The change or your progression through high school should be explained in this statement. I am not sure what the word count is for this paper but you have to be more detailed about how and why you were promoted to senior student status, ready for graduation, even though you remain a high school junior by record. What classes did you excel in? Where do your academic talents lie? Why did the school believe that you are qualified for early graduation? These are the questions that you can respond to that would reflect the change / your early graduation progression at your school. Whatever you do, do not say that you are graduating early because "high school isn't challenging enough". That sounds too cocky. This is not about why you believe you are ready for a college education. Rather, it is a justification of your advanced learning abilities, that prove you are ready for college. For example, you are doing Advanced level Calculus or, you have done research in physics that were held back by the limitations of a high school education. It has to be justified by the school, not by your belief in yourself.

Scholarship / My motivation essay for Stipendium Hungaricum, masters program, bachelors in Accounting & Finance [4]

This is not a motivation letter. This is not even a personal statement. I am not sure what you are driving at by writing this essay because it does not follow the requirements for the scholarship. The motivation letter, for a masters course applicant, must show a professional need for higher study. The motivation letter should explain, in a single page, within 5 paragraphs at the most, why you feel the need to study a masters course, why you chose this course in particular (in relation to your academic motivation), how the university choice fits in with your academic and personal growth plan, and what you hope to be able to do within your workplace upon completion of the course.

Create a plan of action first. You need to understand what your personal and academic reasons are for pursuing higher studies. Do not focus on the financial aid coming from the scholarship because it makes it sound like you are only after the financial aspect, rather than the academic and career growth opportunities the scholarship offers. Clarify why you believe Hungary can provide you with the best education, at a specific university, that can help you advance your career and create career options for yourself.

This essay is not helpful to your application. It not useful. You should not use this for any scholarship application. It does not contain information vital to the reviewer looking for proper motivational reasons on your part for higher studies.

Essays / How would SI Scholarship for studies in Sweden be valuable for the development of the applicant? [3]

This question is best responded to by your job supervisor or anybody who has trained you, not your college professor or internship supervisor. The question is specific to your duties and responsibilities under your current position and the next steps in your career development. Therefore, you should not try to write this letter yourself. The content needs to be based on information known only to your immediate supervisor. The letter should explain:

- How he has observed you as a employee (work ethics, drive to succeed, make an impression on his teammates and supervisors, etc.)
- What plans for your future as a member of the company are (as shared with him during pivotal discussion moments)
- A strong desire to gain advanced academic theories due to some frustrations with his job performance or desire to improvement the job efficiency

These are but a few reference points that a supervisor can use to write the letter. Do not try to write this letter yourself, the reviewer will automatically know if you did not have your supervisor write the letter. It will be bad for your application to be caught recommending yourself in the letter.

Undergraduate / My first business - draft of personal statement - University of Victoria [2]

Rather than mentioning an actual age in the essay, which often works against your application, you would do better to simply say that when you were younger, you dabbled in business. Being age vague helps because the reviewer will not end up questioning the circumstances of your claims and the validity of the situation. That paragraph is a good opening hook, it just needs to be better presented to avoid any possible questions on the reviewer's part.

The problem, is that your hook regarding ethics should have been further developed throughout the essay. You kind of dropped the ball on that discussion since you suddenly jumped to self-sufficiency in the next paragraph. The interest in this essay will only remain if you focus on a single foundation for the presentation. That is, the development of your interest in business through ethical business practices as taught by your parents.

The personal statement is similar to a letter of motivation for a college applicant. This is your chance to show the development of your interest in your course, how you pursued it, and why it is important for you to study this course. Everything else should be integrated into that explanation, including the reason why you were attracted to a particular university.

The essay has too many elements presented. It should be edited for clarity and focused discussion presentations. You should revise the essay to show the information I have previously indicated. That would make for a better developed personal statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2; Men and women can work in any professions. Gender equality at work [3]

Using a 5 paragraph format for a 4 paragraph essay is inefficient. It does not allow you to create cohesive and coherent discussion paragraphs because you are discussing too much information separately. You should work on creating quick, coherent, and properly developed paragraphs within 2 reasoning paragraphs. As long as you provide:

- A topic sentence
- A reason for the topic
- An example
- A supporting explanation for the example
- A proper transition sentence to the next topic'

You will be able to present better explanations than you have now and also, focus on the coherence and cohesiveness of your paragraphs. You presented good discussion paragraphs, the reasoning is simple and clear, but a bit disconnected at times. The lack of development stems from the lack of discussion presentation as I indicated above.

The 2 reasoning paragraph is best used for 98 percent of the Task 2 essays. Only the A/D, C&C, Comparison with personal opinion essays use the 5 paragraph format. There are clear differences between the discussions that make the use of a 4 paragraph or 5 paragraph discussion best for the presentation. If you can identify when to use the correct reasoning paragraphs, then you will have a better score overall.

An additional problem, is the improper prompt restatement on your part. While you topic summary is similar, the discussion paraphrase is where the problem came in for your presentation:

DI: Is it right to exclude males or females from certain profession because of their gender?
Response: both women and men should have the freedom to apply for the job that they want.
Correct Response: I hold the point of view that gender specific issues should not prevent males and females from seeking employment in any occupation.

Make sure that you always include the full original reason for discussion in your prompt restatement to meet task accuracy requirements. It helps you to deliver clear opinions based on the choices you are provided with in the original presentation.

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship - Subject of Personal Importance: Curiosity [3]

The first paragraph is over reaching. It doesn't really help establish the reason why curiosity is of personal importance to you. That paragraph more defines curiosity in general terms There needs to be a personal definition of curiosity or, better yet, a reason for its personal importance not depicted in general references. That paragraph does not work very well as an opening hook.

You should open instead with how the limitations of your upbringing developed your curiosity, which is why it became important to you. From there, explain how curiosity helped you develop a sense of maturity that your educational system could not provide. How it helped you not only become inquisitive, but observant of your surroundings so that you could develop solutions to problems or something of the sort.

The last paragraph is more of telling rather than showing. It would be best to further develop that into a personal reference, or definition of curiosity and why people take it for granted in their lives.

Scholarship / KGSP- GRADUATE, From engineering to teaching languages, is this possible? [3]

Yes, your previous degree will be considered alongside other elements in your application. However, whether or not the change of career focus will be convincing shall depend upon the training and skills development that you have been undertaking in relation to your new career. There is no rule that says you will be disqualified from applying for the scholarship just because you completed a different degree from the career you eventually ended up in.

From what I have read of your transitional career undertaking, you more than qualify as a scholarship candidate. Most specially since you have passed the TOPIK test at a high level. You should retake the test and get a new certificate though, just to prove your language proficiency as not deteriorated and instead, improved or remains the same.

The diploma in Spanish teaching will help. It shows that you truly are serious about your new career. However, being enrolled in formal Hangul classes will be a heavier consideration for the reviewers. When paired with a new TOPIK test, you should further strengthen your consideration. In fact, successful TOPIK takers already have a higher consideration measure in the eyes of the reviewer. It practically moves the applicant to the front of the application process.

You need not worry about your application. You qualify for consideration. However, I cannot assure you of admittance into the scholarship program. That is still something that you will have to battle out with other applicants for. You must also consider how many applicants will be accepted from your country of origin as the GKS scholarship has limited slots available per country. So, the stronger you can make your application documents and supporting documents, the more chances you will have of getting the scholarship. It will not matter if you apply via embassy or uni track, all the applicants have equal chances and opportunities to prove their worth as a scholarship candidate.

Undergraduate / Culture Shows & Campus-wide brain parties - WELLESLEY SUPPLEMENT ESSAYS [2]

There are 100 reasons why you would want to choose the university and you focused on only one aspect? Pick a few more. Stop going back to the ME reference in relation to your previous experiences. Focus on the adventure that is a learning process at the university. You want to be an adventurer right? This is the essay where you should let that aspect of yourself lose. How will you enjoy your time based on the varied reasons to choose the university? What adventure can you participate in based upon the 100 reasons? Why would you excel as a student because the university will harness your adventurous spirit? You can help liven up the university experience for the current and incoming students through your adventurous side. Why did you suddenly hold back on that now? Imagine life as a student at the university and letting your sense of adventure go during the non-academic hours. That is what this supplemental essay is all about.

Undergraduate / Waterloo AIF Nanotechnology Engineering program [5]

One topic per thread.

You have presented an intention that lacks discussion development. There is no clear path from your interest, to your academic goals, all the way to your professional ambitions. How will the university help you achieve the ultimate goal? The idea in this part is to show your path of learning. Relating your interest in Nanotechnology with a future idea you have for revolutionizing the field, which will then become the basis of your professional career ( educational goals and interest in your chosen program).

You should relate the course choice, laboratory, internship, and other unique learning aspects of Waterloo with the aforementioned data ( reasons for applying). That presentation would bring the discussion full circle based on the prompt discussion instruction. You have the right idea with this presentation, it just lacks appropriate information.

Undergraduate / A Dream of an Artist with a learning Disability [3]

Reverse the presentation. Start with your personal story, the learning disability. Work your way through the experience of learning failure. Then connect that to the learning accomplishments you encountered once you discovered art. From there, Explain how art changed your life and the outlook you have. Use 250 words for that. Use the next presentation, another 250 words to discuss how you expanded your illustrator skills and abilities. Your essay is weak in the sense that you failed to show any extra curricular activities or independent classes in illustration. Self-study is one thing, properly honing your skills is another. For that, you require actual training or at least, a basis for your skills development. You should convince the reviewer that you have been preparing at least, through the last 2 years of high school, to enter this specialized school of study.

Writing Feedback / Shocked how people can't restrain their liberties. Can you correct this short message? [3]

The message of the essay is one of submission without contradiction. As a writer, the sentiments of the people should be reflected in your prose at the very start. Not just your opinion. Surely you balked at the idea of submitting to the Tier 4 lock-down as well right? Include your thoughts about it at that point. The thoughts of the people around you would have helped make the first part, of resistance before submission, highly interesting. You cannot merely submit without first resisting. Resistance is required for the complete information of the reader. A reason for your and the public's submission must also be clear beyond simply "it is the law".

The word shocked is used repeatedly throughout the essay, causing reader fatigue. Unless you were instructed to use the word repeatedly in the essay, this shows a severe lack of vocabulary skill on your part. You do not know any equivalent words for the term, which made the poem repetitive and boring to the reader. Simply adding the word "extremely" does not change the fact that the word is overused in the essay.

Undergraduate / What is Important to you? And Why - Bond with my mother [4]

This does not respond to the question. Sure the bond with any parent is important to a child. Most specially one as sick as you were at the time. However, that relationship did not progress beyond the hospital. There is no sense of growth as a person both mentally, morally, and socially, that would justify the importance of your parental bond. Instead, this essay proves that you are a weak person who just may not be a qualified candidate for college. The weakness in this essay comes from the same topic that should have been its strength, the parental bond. What this essay says is that you are incapable of adjusting to life and, when at your weakest point, you will not be able to complete your studies and your mommy will have to come fetch you from wherever it is that you are incapable of adjusting. This is not the image that you want to portray with the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Robotics - essay about how MIT align with my goals. [3]

You have shown that you understand the history of MIT. You have not shown that MIT aligns with your goals on an academic, personal, and social level. Since this is a word limited essay, you will need to start with a totally new presentation. Pick the strongest goal that you have for choosing MIT. Compare your goals with the history, mission, and objectives of the university. Where do your paths meet with MIT? These meeting of the paths / minds that you have with MIT should be the focus of the response.Your presentation is merely repeating what the reviewer already knows thoroughly about MIT, so your response is not of use to him. It doesn't tell him how you might excel as a student at MIT and how MIT can support you as a student and future professional. Find the commonalities between your vision as a student and your professional goals in relation to MIT.