Scholarship / Water Resource Engineering - motivation letter for Sweden scholarship [3]

Unless there are other qualifications for the motivation letter that you forgot toupload with your writing, then I have to say that this is not a proper motivation letter.

The motivation letter must cover 3 aspects int he presentation:
- Professional
- Academic
- Personal

These 3 reasons should combine to create a final motivation that explains the motivation for your choice to study in:
- the country
- the university

All of these aspects do not exist in your presentation. This is more of a summary of your interest in studies rather an explanation of what cause/reason motivates your interest in higher studies. You must delete this current version and work on a new draft that focuses on a discussion based on the aforementioned points of motivational interest. This current motivation is not serious not informative. It is not the type of letter that should be included in any scholarship or student application.

Writing Feedback / To what extent art subjects should be remarked in academia? [4]

Avoid making exaggerated claims in your prompt paraphrase. The examiners view these sensationalist exaggerations as misleading information that is never included in the original prompt reference. I understand that you want to make an exciting restatement of the prompt, but misleading the reader is not the way to do it. You are scored on your restatement accuracy so these over the top claims ( highly controversial topic) does more harm than good to your TA score. Although you had a good reference to the discussion method required, the hyperbolic claim is what will lower your TA score.

You must stop making distorted claims (most obviously) in your essay. Specially in your reasoning paragraph. While fake news may the latest trend in journalistic writing, it will not help you when writing an academic paper. You are using a trigger tone, rather than an academic tone in your writing. The latter is what you are aiming for, the former, is what will irritate the examiner enough to make you fail the test.

You are careless in your writing. Note that you do not start the first word of every paragraph with a capital letter, which is one of the basic tenets of English writing. You will definitely receive a failing GA score because of this lack of attention to details in your writing. I do not even think you are trying to pass the test at this point. You have done the exact opposite, in this presentation, that an exam taker would be doing if he wanted to pass the test.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2: Everyone should have a right to the free access to university - do you agree or not? [2]

Incorrect discussion format. You failed to respond to the main question which is: To what extent do you agree or disagree? That is based on your opinion of the given statement, not on a personal opinion of a discussion unrelated to the given task.

OT: Some people believe that everyone has a right to have access to university education and that governments should make it free for all students no matter what financial background they have.

YT: As tuition fees have witnessed an inexorable increase in the past ten years...

Note the discrepancy within the 2 topic presentations. There are specific information that should be contained in the rephrasing of the discussion. The information provided should be restated, without the addition of information that cannot be supported by the original statement. The quote above from YT (Your Topic) includes the irrelevant information that will cause the TA score to receive deductions. Do not add personal information in the paraphrase section. Use only the provided data.

You failed to respond to the discussion question as well:

DI: To what extend do you agree or disagree?
R: In my point of view, although this would bring some certain benefits to the underprivileged, abolishing tuition fees would have an adverse bearing on both students and society.

You will fail the Task Accuracy portion immediately due to an unrelated response. This, overall, shall force the failure of your essay presentation. As you never did respond to the question during any point of your discussion.

Reasons for failure:
- Non task compliance
- Incorrect response to the prompt
- Response does not relate to the given topic

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Task 2: Tech has made shopping easier - should costumers be satisfied? [3]

You have the correct format for this essay. As there are 2 types of formatting for the task 2 essay, you need to be able to identify when to use the 4 paragraph, or 5 paragraph format. In this instance, you chose correctly. This is a 5 paragraph essay. If there are any problems with your presentation paragraphs, you will find it in the following areas:

Errors:
1. Prompt paraphrase
- You chose to make a factual claim ( It is undeniable...) rather than simply state a topic for discussion as shown in the original
- You gave an opinion immediately, without first considering the 2 discussion points. You should not have given an opinion at that point, only stated that you will provide an opinion after the comparison. This would be in accordance with the 5 paragraph format.

1. Reasoning paragraphs
- You are using excessive vocabulary that creates an incoherent sentence in the first reasoning paragraph (error word: unworthily). (Deduction: Lexical Resource)
- The last sentence in this paragraph does not make sense. There is no logic to the presentation of the sentence format. This may have been a transliteration on your part, which caused to translate word for word from your mother tongue. It does not make sense (Deduction: Coherence and Cohesiveness + Lexical Resource)

- Lack of discussion development. In the second reasoning paragraph, the second topic you presented covers only 2 sentences, leading to a confusing statement in that section. (Deduction: Cohesiveness and Coherence)

3. Personal Opinion
- You changed the point of discussion in your personal statement. Rather than simply choosing to discuss if online shopping has made buying items easier or not, you focused on cybersecurity instead. ( Deduction: Task Accuracy)

4. Conclusion:
- Rather than a reverse paraphrase, you presented a discussion based on cybersecurity. Another incorrect paragraph discussion presentation. ( Deduction: Task Accuracy)

The results of these errors shall be a failing score. Even though you followed the 5 paragraph format, the change in discussion topic, insufficient discussion presentation, and problematic vocabulary will prevent you from getting a passing score.

Letters / The email for professor about my grade [2]

Is this an actual letter you plan to send to your professor? Or is this for a Task 1 practice task? Either way, the presentation is not effective and full of grammar problems. You lack clarity in your presentation overall. Each paragraph becomes more confusing than the next.

In the first paragraph, you should be presenting information about yourself that will make you identifiable to the professor. You cannot use just the class code because the professor could be teaching several of the same class code at different hours. So the time and schedule of your class needs to be indicated in the first paragraph. That way the professor will have a reference point to start with when looking for your file in her database.

What were the circumstances that led you to fail in the presentation? You need to be specific about the shortcomings you had because you are asking the professor to give you a second chance at submitting the presentation. If you can explain and use convincing information regarding your reasons for failing, then maybe the case can be considered for an appeal. Otherwise, I really do not really see any information that would convince the professor to give you another shot at the task.

Scholarship / The role of Local Government to Develop Local Industries [3]

The reference to your membership in the Indonesian Society of Botanical Art is not related to the actual masters course you will be taking. It does not relate to your actual profession. You cannot use that reference in this essay. It is an irrelevant presentation that takes away from the previously informative paragraph presentations. You should remove that final paragraph. Develop a more interesting concluding paragraph by instead discussing the university choice you made and the factors that led you to choose the university for your masters course.

There is no clear or definitive purpose presented in the essay. You need to have a more solid career progression presentation in this essay. How do you hope this scholarship and the studies you undertake will help your future career? Where do you see yourself working after completing this course? Where might you be working in 5 years? How will this course help you achieve career advancement? You are speaking merely of returning to your old job, without a forward looking plan. That weakens the essay. Sure you have to go back to your original job. Where do you hope to go from there? Your career sounds like it will stagnate after you return from the course completion.

You have strong credentials presented here. You just may be a contender for the scholarship program, if you can work on making the presentation more informative for the consideration of the review.

Grammar, Usage / The usage of the word "unfair" in an academic essay [2]

The term "unfair" is used in everyday language, both spoken and written. However, in written form, this is used more often than not in casual writing (as in between friends, family members, etc.). It would be better for you to use alternative references for the word instead when writing an academic essay to keep a professional, serious, and less common tone of writing. You can use similar words such as arbitrary, biased, one-sided, partisan, among others. The similar word reference you will be using is really going to be based on the meaning you want to convey in the sentence. So you will have to decide which alternative word to use, based on the subject of the discussion. Academic writing is one of the most formal writing presentations that a student has to complete, so don't go for the frequently used word reference. You need to show a wider vocabulary, or develop a more complex vocabulary when writing these types of papers. There might even be times when you will need to use professional references as an alternative to "unfair", depending upon what topic you are writing about.

Letters / I have written Motivation letter for scholarship - I need your help in revision or expert opinion. [2]

Sadly, the length of the letter is not justified by the content. There was a failure on your part to present a clear motivation for your studies. The questions provided were supposed to be the guide questions by which you would have completed the motivation letter. Yet, you failed to clearly respond to any of the questions. Your letter is extremely wordy. It is almost as if you did it as a English writing exercise rather than a true motivation letter. Your thought process is not clear in the essay because, as the writer, you seem to have focused on using drama and "dictionary" based words that, when strewn together, does not make sense to a native English reader. There is no true information to be gained from this presentation. I am not sure what you wrote here but it definitely is not a motivation letter based on the requirements you were given.

What you need to properly develop a motivational letter for the Hungarium Stupendum is professional help. You need someone to read your credentials, interview you, then write the motivation letter for you. This confusing presentation shows that you do not have the ability to understand the information requirement, and how to present it, to the reviewer. Seek professional help in writing this letter.

Undergraduate / How overcoming depression shaped me. [2]

Two things that need to disappear from this discussion are the quotation at the start, which does not make for an effective hook to the presentation. You need to only open with a strong statement created using your own words. You did that when you said "I was 14 years old..." That should have been more dramatic though. The hook, should have been anchored on a little scene playing out that showed just how depressed you were, without knowing it, leading into the depression diagnosis at the age of 14. That would have been more interesting in terms of opening the discussion in the essay.

The second reference has to be removed is the "Painted Birds" reference. That paragraph is so short, the discussion became insignificant in the overall presentation of things.

Adjust the part of the essay that discusses your firm belief and what you have learned. You already portray that at the start of the essay. It creates a repetitive presentation. Rather than the constant harping on your depression, focus the last part on how you have overcome your illness. While you may not have overcome it totally, you have to show that you are now capable of dealing with your problems, and that it will not be a factor that could prevent you from performing as a college student is expected to.

Clarify your reference to your grades. First you said that you did not allow your grades to fall, yet, in the same breath, you discuss how your grades fell. That will confuse the reader. Either your grades fell or it did not. Base your presentation on the side that truthfully happened to you.

Overall, the discussion feels too long but not very informative. You have to stop the victimization presentation throughout the essay. Focus on the strength of your character and how you overcame the problem instead. College students know how to overcome, they refuse to become and remain victims, which is what your essay is for the most part.

Leave your "I am a firm believer" conviction out of the discussion. Show how you overcame it. Don't discuss it as you would a research paper. You are being interviewed. Stop relying on references to the accomplishments of others in this essay. This is a show and tell about how you successfully overcame depression, not about how you learned from other people. You are not writing a personal statement regarding your interest in a course. You are writing about how you successfully stopped being a depressed person.

Undergraduate / Neuroscience major - WELLESLEY SUPPLEMENT ESSAY [2]

Do not keep repeating your college major in your responses. This is starting to become a tiresome topic in your essay responses and will lead the reviewer to understand that you are highly limited in your college interests. That means, you are incapable of focusing outside of your area of interest, which is not going to be good for your image as a potential college student. You have not read the Wellesley 100 tips. If you did, you would have come up with a more creative response to what makes you want to attend Wellesley, aside from your college major. Pick something else. Don't be a one trick pony, as you have proven to be in all of the essays you have written so far.

You are to write 2 complete paragraphs. So do not use bullet points for your response. This presentation must follow a smooth essay discussion, with transition sentences between your two highest points of interest. Choose activities beyond your major. Think about the fun side of college for this response. They need to know that you will fully utilize all of the social and academic opportunities at the university in a collaborative, rather than one focus manner.

Undergraduate / People around me - UBC Personal: What is Important to you [4]

Your response was good at the start, then it got waylaid towards the later and end part of the discussion. The essay went from being about the people around you being important to a self-centered discussion of how you grew up in a STEM environment. This is not an essay about you. This is an essay about something that you value in life. Obviously, it is not the people around you. Possible topics for this statement are:

1. Justice ( BLM, Save the Blue, Unjust imprisonment)
2. Equality ( LGBTQ, Minority Issues)
3. Human Rights ( Racial discrimination, Gender discrimination)
4. Freedom ( life, liberty, expression)

To name but a few. I made reference to the more popular topics normally discussed as a part of the reference to give an idea of what topics are relevant to those themes. You can choose your own theme and discussion target. Just make sure that you make this about the other people and not about you. The only reference to you in the presentation should be why you consider the topic important to you.

Do you have a personal relationship with the topic? If yes, explain. If no, who do you know who was affected by it?
How did the importance of this topic affect your decision to choose your major?

Those 2 questions, integrated into your response should help the essay develop a balanced reference to the choice of topic, why you are concerned about it, and how it has helped you develop as a person through your choice of university major.

Writing Feedback / The innovation of distant working and learning has become a more and more preferable tendency today [4]

Your first sentence is a run-on sentence that should have been divided into 2 parts:
1. Restated topic sentence
2. Reason for the discussion topic

These should not have been mixed into one sentence as combining 2 ideas that discuss different themes make the presentation confusing or forgettable to the reader. Always separate the sentence content in your presentations. I am not sure what you are trying to state in the third sentence. You need to identify if this is a positive or negative development in the discussion. You should also make sure that you use the correct word representations throughout the essay. A culprit is a person who has committed an offense or a crime. Such serious vocabulary usage errors will definitely not help your LR score.

You have to properly format the discussion paragraph within only 275-290 words due to the 40 minute time limitation. One clearly discussed work from home reference in a completely developed paragraph, then another one showing the merits of study from home would have been a better presentation for this essay. As it is, you did not defend your topics with supporting reasons and opinions. You just presented discussion topics, leading to under developed paragraph presentations. You need to learn to express yourself in complete thought presentations. Not scattered references that do not collectively create a believable discussion presentation. Focus on clarity instead of word count.

Writing Feedback / To succeed in business, one need to know math. (help me to check) [2]

Why did you write a comparative essay when this is an extent response essay? Your prompt paraphrase has problems based on your presentation because you are making false claims ( It is a fact...) when the original presentation only made a general statement rather than a verified claim. Then, you offered a comparative response to the given question rather than an extent answer that would have clearly stated a single opinion coming from you. The essay is written in an incorrect format because:

1. There is no proper prompt paraphrase
2. There is no clear opinion presented based on the single opinion requirement of the essay
3. The discussion was done in comparative form rather than the required "2 reasons for a single opinion" defense

Based on the discussion format alone, it will already be difficult for this essay to garner a passing score. You must become familiar with the discussion formats. There are only 2 types of discussions:

1. Comparative
2. Single opinion

Once you identify what type of discussion accompany each type of discussion, you should be able to present the proper opinion presentation and discussion format for your paper.

Writing Feedback / Several leisure activities become fashionable ephemerally and disappear when a new trend comes along [3]

There is no " partly" in the discussion presentation. When you are asked to what extent you agree or disagree, the correct form for the response is "I agree with this idea only up to the point that (reasoning topic 1) and (reasoning topic 2). This sentence format clearly indicates a measured response (up to the point...) by presenting your reasons for the partial support (or non support) of the discussion. The word "partly" is oftentimes used by students in this type of essay, without realizing that it does not actually help to increase the TA score which is based on a solid opinion regarding a particular discussion instruction. Partly means you are not really making a decision / you do not have a clear opinion regarding the topic. By indicating the actual extent of your discussion, based on the reasons you will be providing, you will be presenting a clearer opinion and discussion outline that will benefit your TA score.

An extent essay limits your discussion to only one point of view. The word "or" requires you to defend one side only. Remember that the discussion requires you to present the "extent" of your support or non support for the topic presented. That is a clear indicator that you have to defend you opinion using 2 strong supporting reasons. You will only receive a score for the paragraph that supports your previously stated opinion (if you clearly stated one, which you did not). That means your essay is now under the minimum 250 word count, and will receive word percentage deductions for the non applicable paragraph.

The conclusion is not an effective summary statement because you wrote less than 40 words. The conclusion must always accomplish the following to help increase your TA score in the form of a reverse paraphrase:

- Discussion topic
- Opinions presented as the reason for the topic
- Restate your opinion
- Restate your reasons

Effectively written, a summary conclusion can help you achieve a passing score in the Task 2 essay. There are no irrelevant paragraphs in the presentation. All the paragraphs have an effect on your individual scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / Working in groups proves to be more efficient than working individually [4]

I assume that this is a simple English writing exercise based on the discussion format presented. The main problem that I see with your writing is that you are making too many assumptions, or you believe that your reader is properly informed about the topic, when in reality, the reader has no idea what you are talking about. Your overall presentation did not help to properly inform the reader either. You lack information in every discussion paragraph that would have helped clarify things for the reader. These missing information has made the essay confusing to read, leaving the reader stressed about the information being presented.

In this first paragraph, the second sentence refers to; "In this case". What case is this? You first referred to soft skills, which is a topic for discussion. That is not the reason, which would be the reference for "In this case". Do you see why that presentation does not make any sense to the reader? You have to connect the topic, soft skills, with the "case", to create the connection to "working in groups". Otherwise, there is no sense in the presentation.

What does a community have to do with soft skills? A team can exist in any form. Soft skills more often than not refers to a vocational profession. So the community reference is incorrect. Soft skills refers to a profession within which a person is not depended on acquired knowledge, such as a college education. You are becoming less and less comprehensible by the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The requirement that employees should dress smartly. Is it more important than the quality of work? [2]

The first paragraph contains a full sentence of information not related to the original information presented. This created a prompt deviation on your end, which means you changed the discussion topic of the original presentation. You will find scoring deductions applied to your essay because of it. The last sentence, is a direct cut and paste of the original discussion, which means this paragraph uses cut and paste phrases. This essay will receive an automatic failing TA score due to these errors.

You have not used any pronouns in the general discussion of the 2 reasons provided. Therefore, you are not appropriately meeting the GRA scoring requirements in terms of sentence structure and person reference (pronouns). You also lack the minimum sentence requirement for each paragraph. You need to present between 3-5 sentences in each presentation to meet the paragraph requirement.

Your personal opinion is the worst presentation in this essay. You failed to properly discuss and justify your reasons. You have a severely uninformative, improperly referenced, and undeveloped discussion. That sentence alone is enough to garner you an overall failing score for this presentation. Since you only wrote 431 words for this essay anyway, it is guaranteed to get a failing score. After all, the minimum word count is 250. Overall, there is nothing in this written presentation that meets the requirements of a Task 2 essay.

Undergraduate / Born in Columbia - Tips for my MIT transfer essay [6]

Do not be over familiar with the reviewer, whom you do not know on a personal basis. Leave internet speak (LOL) out of academic written interviews. Formality is key. You can be casual, but still in a respectful way. LOLs, are viewed as coming from immature people who are definitely, not yet ready for college. While you do not need to be serious as a heart attack, you should not be overly casual to the point of using messaging jargon in the presentation.

When you are asked about your cultural background or identity, that means you need to describe what you are like based upon where you are from. The most relevant reference in this essay being, "My family is small but very strong, they are all Catholics, except for me (I'm an atheist). That should be the focal point of the statement. Why are your family members Catholic (cultural background and identify of your family), while you are an atheist (you background). Compare and discuss. Make the discussion interesting in the sense that you will be bringing a form of diversity to the MIT campus being an atheist.

Writing Feedback / The graph illustrates immigration, emigration and net migration rate in the UK from 1999 to 2008 [3]

There is only one image presented in this discussion. Therefore, the presentation should be completed over 3 paragraphs. You do not have enough information to present that would benefit from a 4 paragraph presentation. The insistence on creating a 4 paragraph format left your summary overview incomplete and underwhelming in presentation. You failed to provided pertinent information in the summary section, which would have had a direct effect on your TA score.

Missing from your summary overview are:
- References to the title of the chart (Long- Term Migration, UK, 1999-2008)
- Measurement type indicator (Thousands)
- Proper graph identification (Line graph)

Do your best to use a uniform sentence number presentation in your paragraphs. You must present a minimum of 3 sentences, which is the minimum requirement for an academic writing paper. Your summary overview and third paragraph do not meet these minimum requirements. So your TA score, based on your word count, does not meet the maximum scoring possibility for your presentation based on the TA requirements.

Writing Feedback / Some argue that advertisements are very successful in convincing people to make purchase [2]

There is a lack of comparative discussion in relation to your point of view in this presentation. While you managed to give an accurate restatement of the original prompt, all the way to the presentation of your opinion as a part of the discussion outline, the reasoning paragraphs are improperly formatted. Since you have decided to offer a personal point of view, rather than give an opinion of each reason originally provided (which would have presented you with a higher overall score), the you should have clearly indicated public discussion paragraphs first and second, then your personal opinion third, or last.

Each reason has a specific public opinion attached to it in the original prompt. You restated these in your thesis statement. So your paragraph discussion should have shown this discussion topic with an explanation based on the general consensus. Such a discussion format would benefit from the use of third person references (they, them) for the public point of view, and personal pronouns ( I, me) as a part of the GRA scoring consideration (under the grammar usage and sentence format accuracy consideration). It would show that you understand how to use English grammar rules. The current format, without the use of pronouns, make it seem like you are presenting solely a personal opinion throughout. There is no separation of discussion representatives (public, personal) within the presentation format. Which means the reader will not be clear on who is actually speaking or being referred to (personal opinion?) throughout the presentation.

The concluding paragraph is not effective in summarizing the presentation because you have made it too long. There is too much going on in one sentence. Each sentence has to have a specific purpose in the summary. So divide the thoughts into a proper mix of simple to complex sentences. Otherwise, the presentation idea becomes difficult to keep track of. You still have to represent the original topic and discussion points, before repeating your opinion. This is not a single opinion essay after all.

Scholarship / ESSAY REVIEW ON SWEDEN SCHOLARSHIP MOTIVATION LETTER. [4]

Rearrange the information in the essay to create a more interesting and solid foundation for your post graduate plans. What you have right now are jumbled thoughts that do not have a solid plan of action. If I were to rearrange the sentences, I would separate these sentences into 2 paragraphs. The first paragraph will consist of the following information:

I will partner with the Nigerian Center for Disease Control ... emerging infectious diseases in the country through combined studies with world-renowned public health school like Lund university. I will be relying on my robust Swedish Institute Alumni network to accomplish this.

Then, my second paragraph, which will explain how I will make this plan a reality will focus on:

I plan to return to my country ... modern strategist of controlling and prevention of infectious diseases.

By reversing your presentation, you will present the action plan first, then explain how the studies will help you. It makes better sense than to explain how the studies can help you, even though you do not have an action plan in place first. The action plan will give the studies a purpose and clear application upon your return home.

Writing Feedback / What effects can advertisements have on consumers? [2]

This essay requires several paragraph bodies to be considered fully developed and accurate in presentation. Your prompt representation is a single sentence, without any supporting arguments for the claim being made. There have to be at least 2 reasons. One for the positive and one for the negative. That way the succeeding paragraphs will have a foundation for its discussion.

A separate discussion should have been used for the positive effects. You could use up to 2 related positive/ negative reasons for advertising in individual paragraphs. One topic for the advertiser and one topic for the consumer presented in the same thread. Develop those positive / negative effects in a manner that shows the positive/negative relationship between advertising and the buyer, you should be able to do that in 5 sentences. Your positive / negative discussions only state reasons without any supporting statements for your claims. That makes the reasons appear to be without merit. If you do not develop a convincing explanation for the positive / negative arguments, then you are not informing or educating the reader in the proper manner.

If you wrote this essay for a Task 2 writing test, then you would have failed the exam overall. If you wrote this only as an English exercise, then you did well enough in expressing your English thoughts. However, you need to delve deeper into the discussion, even for a grammar exercise, to help you develop your English vocabulary and writing skills.

Writing Feedback / Opinion on using social media networks at offices. [5]

You are only expected to give a simple 4-5 paragraph discussion of the topic provided. That means, you have to write between 275-290 words. 250 as a minimum for the TOEFL test. For an IELTS test, that should be done within 40 minutes. For the TOEFL test, 30 minutes. You definitely cannot write an effective reasoning essay, free of grammar errors within either time limit covering 462 words. You are not writing a research paper, just a simple opinion paper based on personal information, public knowledge, or observations.

You must familiarize yourself with how an English exam essay is formatted before you proceed with your next practice tests. While you have good reasons, examples, and discussions, your presentation is marred by the incorrect punctuation usage. It is already a common error among ESL writers to use a comma and ellipses one after another in a sentence presentation. You have to remember that is incorrect punctuation usage. You can only use one punctuation mark at a time. For example:

I said no, then I thought about it again that night...

The ellipses are better used in creative writing as these are used to convey a pause in a thought process, emphasize a dialogue, or heighten the emotion of a scene, none of which are applicable in academic paper writing.

The reference "according to", means you heard the information from someone else and are relaying the same to your listener / reader. In this case, you are the primary source of the information so you cannot say "According to me" as that is incorrect grammar. Just say "In my opinion", which is the correct phrase to use to start off a personal explanation.

Graduate / How to explain two years of gap in Statement of Purpose? [2]

The gap year is not a regularly required piece of information in a statement of purpose. The SOP focuses more on the reasons why you wish to study the course based on academic and professional plans. If there is a gap year involved, then it should be a part of either the personal statement or a special circumstances prompt in your application. Make sure you need to discuss it before you include it in your SOP, it could make the SOP less effective since it is not relevant information.

How do you explain it? By being forthright. Just admit the gap year and the reasons behind it. Do not gloss over anything, do not pretend like it doesn't matter. Don't make it appear like it matters too much either. Don't be too worried about it, but don't be nonchalant either. Find the balance between the reasons and tell the reviewer what happened by showing the importance of the gap year to you. It will help if the gap year will be explained as a period of self discovery or self learning. You need to prove that you continued to hone your academic skills somehow during that time instead of procrastinating, which is sometimes what happens to students on a gap year. Specially an extended one like yours.

Letters / An aspiring scientist - cover letter Pharmaceutical Internship [2]

You have spoken of what you studied. Academically, you cover all the bases. However, simply qualifying will not make you a standout. There is nothing in the presentation that tells me you are going to be a stellar participant in this program. You will not be the only scholarship based intern applicant for this program. So, what else can you tell me about your research or academic accomplishments that sets you apart from the rest of the pack? Try to discuss more about how ARTs connects with your background. Prove that you have the ability to participate in research programs that will further enhance the effects of Novartis R&D in general or with specificity.

The academics should be discussed based on your stand-out factors. Which classes did you actually excel at? How do the skills you developed in these areas relate to the internship program? The idea is to sell yourself as someone who can almost professionally assist the research team leader and capably support the research staff when called upon to do so.

With regards to your leadership skills, it would help if you could talk more about your involvement in the Black Student's Association. Why you became a member, how it changed your life, how you hope to use that exposure as an intern... You know the drill. Steer away from the BLM discussion though. Do not politicize the presentation. Keep it PC and relevant to the Novartis objectives instead.

You don't really refer to your career goals in the essay. You are focused mostly on social development in your country, which is not the same as a career goal. The outreach program is socio-civic in nature and does not relate to the profession you have chosen for yourself and hope to begin developing skills for as an intern in this program. You should revise the last part of the essay to be more profession goal oriented. If you can relate it back to your hometown, then all the better.

Letters / My motivation letter for a Novartis (Pharmaceutical company) Internship, Is question answered? [3]

The essay is well developed for the most part. The area that needs further improvement are the paragraphs related to your point of view about science. It does not explain why you believe Science is the key to solving the inequalities of the world. You should separate the reference to Africa as well. Make that a stand along paragraph before Science. Connect Africa to science and you will have a more effective presentation of your love for Africa and Science. The same goes for the work in the lab. Do not be brief. This is an interview after all, get to the important details of how you see yourself potentially using your lab time and why it is important to you. If possible, relate it to a particular research for a disease, illness, or vaccine that you feel your village or Africa needs the most. Do not use Covid 19, AIDS, HIV, or any other illness that is on the verge of a cure. Most definitely avoid the cancer reference if you can. That is the most tired illness reference applicants use.

Writing Feedback / Music - a method for entertaining or an essential impact on society? Ielts 2 essay [2]

The prompt paraphrase you presented is creative and connects the two public discussion points in a cohesive manner. You used an excellent / coherent presentation method that shows an understanding of the topic and a clear control of writing using cohesive devices. However, your opinion presentation is incorrect. You are not supposed to refer to a side to support since you you have not considered the discussion requirements yet. Rather, you should have done one of two things:

- Given a clear opinion that could be separate from the two given points of view
- Given a general statement that would have indicated a comparative point of view for both opinions ( ex. I would like to consider the merits of both sides before giving my opinion for each discussion topic.)

The reason for these 2 choices is that you are being asked to write a comparative + personal opinion essay. This is weakly referenced in your presentation as you did not properly develop the discussion points based on the 5 paragraph format. You opted to use the 5 paragraph format when you stated an opinion as a part of the thesis statement in paragraph 1. The format for the discussion paragraphs should have been:

Par. 1: Restatement + opinion
Par. 2: Fully developed discussion of the first point of view (topic sentence, reason for public opinion, example, additional supporting sentence (optional) transition sentence to the next point of view)

Par. 3: Content is the same as Par. 2 using the second topic
Par. 4: Detailed personal opinion that follows the content format for the previous 2 paragraphs
Par. 5: Summary conclusion that reiterates your opinion at the end

Your second paragraph combined 2 discussion points that needed to be considered separately based on formatting and C&C requirements. As such, this paragraph became under developed, lacking in both coherence and cohesiveness due to the badly discussed reason presentations. It does not have any real convincing elements included for either subject that could properly explain the public points of view to the examiner. Refer to the paragraph content as I mentioned above for specific discussion requirements for each paragraph.

The summary conclusion at the end that summarizes your discussion points as scored as a part of your overall scoring consideration. Properly restating the previous discussion in short form, adds to your TA, LR, GRA, and C&C score because it shows that you are capable of restating the full discussion in an alternative form (similar to, but different in presentation from the prompt restatement paragraph). That is why this is called a reverse paraphrase. It is just as important as the prompt restatement at the start due to its ability to further increase your final overall score.

The concluding paragraph you presented would have had a clearer presentation if you had divided the thoughts into at least 2 sentences. You created a run on sentence that focused only on your point of view, totally negating the prior discussion points presented in the original prompt. As there is no accurate restatement in this concluding summary, it cannot be considered properly developed and helpful to the closing of the opinion statement. In this manner, this section will lower your GRA and TA score rather than help to increase it.

Undergraduate / UBC personal profile - Environmental Club - Tell us about who you are. [3]

You are responding to a fictitious prompt requirement in this presentation. It does not respond to the prompt. This is more of an open topic essay. Did you make a mistake in posting the prompt with your essay? You totally disregarded the real prompt requirements. You are not addressing the various aspects as indicated in the original prompt.

The way your parents, friends, teachers, and extra curricular partners view you matter very much in this presentation. You are being assessed for character and conduct. How do you respond to authority figures (parents), what sort of social person are you (friends), as a student, the reviewer would like to know how you deal with academic leaders and mentors (teachers), are you a civic minded person (community members). How do all of these views relate to one another in a manner that depicts you as a person who is mature enough to handle the rigors and stress of college and living away from home? These collective points of view create the bigger picture of who you might become within the student community.

Your proudest moment should be singular, pick the one that best illustrates the collective point of view to better support the overall depiction of your personality.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: The internet or newspaper? [7]

The prompt paraphrase does not make any sense. You tried to paraphrase the original presentation word for word, which resulted in a sentence that lacks clear content. There is no connection between the internet and newspapers in your presentation. A more appropriate paraphrase is:

The prevalence of the information super highway has led to the belief that periodicals will soon become irrelevant. I support this point of view to the degree that gazettes are no longer the best way to receive news.

As you can see, in my version, none of the original keywords were used. Instead, synonyms or words of the same meaning took its place (internet = information superhighway, newspapers = periodicals / gazettes), which automatically give me a higher LR score due to my knowledge of English similar word vocabulary and usage. The reasoning I presented, also outlined the topic for discussion in the next paragraphs. These 2 sentences are enough to have my TA score start at the highest possible marks. Your presentation failed to achieve this.

You did not properly use the comma in the second paragraph. Use the word "and" to connect 2 related references. Use the comma for 3 or more, using the word "and" before the last related word. This is a GRA scoring problem that shows a lack of proper English punctuation mark usage. Additionally, never use an ellipses in an academic presentation. That is only used in creative writing work. This is an academic paper that does not need cause for a dramatic pause in the presentation.

In the second reason, the first sentence is missing the word "over" as in "win OVER newspapers". you need that comparison word to indicate the reason why the internet will be better at delivering the news than newspapers. Additionally, you need to brush up on your singular v plural word usage. "a piece" is singular so you cannot follow that up with "newspapers", which is plural. Use the singular form of the word when referencing singular forms.

The conclusion is less than 40 words and does not contain any summary of the previous talking points. This will further create a failing TA score for you in an actual test. Basically, your work is problematic and may have a difficult time achieving a passing band score. It is not impossible, because you show a potential to eventually write good essays. You just can't achieve it at this very moment.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - Maps: Various developments which were made to the cinema facilities, from 1980 to 2020 [2]

Do not separate your trending statement from the summary overview. It is a part of the summary information that needs to be immediately noticed by the reader. In truth, your presentation, in the second sentence, is not a trending statement. The actual trend is an overall expansion of the area based on physical representations. The expansion is a trend in the second one, not the addition of cinemas and amenities. The coverage area reference is more important. The others are mere descriptions of physical changes.

You tried to force a 4 paragraph discussion into a 3 paragraph presentation. This resulted in an incomplete summary overview, improper trending statement reference, and a poorly developed first paragraph overall. You did not have too much problems in the succeeding paragraphs, the errors are negligible. You need to focus on identifying when to use the long discussion / short discussion form for Task 1 essays instead. If there are only 2 images, then it is 3 paragraphs, 3 or more images, go with the 4 paragraph version.

Writing Feedback / The experiences a child has before starting school have the most influence on their future life [3]

Kindly sign up for our premium private services or make this thread URGENT to receive a scoring review from me. Scoring is not part of the free services. Students who score essays for fellow students shall be suspended from their forum membership.

The first sentence in the restatement is an opinion that is not being asked for in the restatement. You should have saved that sentence for the reasoning paragraphs, as it would have made an effective topic sentence for your discussion reasons. Never offer an opinion or additional information in the prompt restatement section. That will result in reduced TA points for you.

You successfully explained both public points of view in the presentation, then forgot to present a fully developed personal opinion as the third paragraph in the reasoning presentation. Your opinion cannot be the concluding presentation in the essay at the concluding presentation is always used to present the reverse paraphrase. Your opinion, in the conclusion is not well developed nor presented. This resulted in an open ended essay, without a conclusion so your presentation has a formatting error, which will affect the TA score, among other things.

Writing Feedback / There is an increasing trend for people to live alone. [7]

The second sentence is irrelevant and offers information that is disqualified from the original prompt. You could have properly presented the discussion using only the first and last sentence, and come away with a better rather than reduced TA score.

Do not start sentences with conjunctions such as "but". As a connecting word, it cannot serve a purpose at the start of the sentence. It will only lower your GRA score as it shows and unfamiliarity with connecting word rules and usage requirements. This is also a 4 paragraph essay. That said, the 2 paragraphs after the first reason will further lower your TA and C&C score as these are both under developed and not connected to the actual discussion that has been posed before you.

Your conclusion will render the essay failing as you moved from the original discussion topic, to the presentation of elderly care, which is not part of the original discussion. This is also an inappropriate conclusion as it is but a continuation of a totally different topic rather than a summary of a related discussion. This is not an essay that will get a passing score due to several prompt deviations in the presentation and GRA problems.

Undergraduate / Design projects - review my Cornell's prompt [3]

You are discussing the development of your interest in architecture. A topic used in the personal statement aspect of the essay topics. What you have to discuss is a specific aspect of architecture that fascinates you the most. For example, Looking at neo - gothic designs have you lost in thought about the history of the world at that time. You get lost in the thought that such architecture has managed to survive for centuries because... You have to show a fascination with a single subject and the elements of that topic that you consider while looking at something. The idea is to discuss something that you can daydream about and why. What sort of engagement occurs when you let your imagination run free?

Writing Feedback / Video games are very popular with children, but what about parents? [3]

Please refer to the grammar problems in your essay. You need to brush up on your singular v. plural lessons (thousands of article = thousands of articleS). Vocabulary resources (babies do not play video games, children do) should also be built up on your end. Word familiarization is a must for you as well. Improper word usage (their lovely child, their babies ). When not referring to a series of related words, you should use the word and rather than a comma. You need at least 3 related words to use a comma. Two related words, use conjunction "and" instead. There are several other grammar problems with your essay but I cannot advise you on how to correct it without rewriting the whole essay, which is against forum regulations. However, my suggestions should get you started on identifying your problem areas. By the way, you have to separate this presentation into 3 paragraphs to show the separation of thought presentations. The phrase "according to my opinion" is incorrect as "according to" refers to information gained from someone else, since you are stating the opinion, you do not need to use that reference phrase.

Writing Feedback / Study concentration in schools - IELTS WRITING TEST [2]

You missed the minimum word count bythismuch. Only a few more words to go and you would have avoided percentage score penalties for a few words. That is too bad. Yes, even if you are missing only 7 words (as in this presentation), word deductions will still be made for that shortcoming. That will really have your essay start at a TA score disadvantage, which can pull down your overall score to failing, in most instances. Let's review the rest of the essay.

Based on the way that you presented your prompt restatement, you should be using the 5 paragraph version for this essay. You cannot place your opinion in the concluding paragraph for formatting reasons. I will explain that later. In the meantime, I have to show you the proper format for this presentation, based, like I said, on the thesis presentation in the prompt restatement. It should look like this:

Par. 1: Restatement + Opinion
Par. 2: Discuss the first point of view with explanations based on public opinion using third person references (alternative is public opinion + personal opinion of the public opinion)

Par. 3: Discuss the second point of view via third person pronouns (Alternative: + Personal opinion of the second public point of view)
Par. 4: A full explanation of your personal opinion
Par. 5: Concluding summary.

Your discussions are not properly developed. The first public point of view is not properly discussed and presented. It will lower your C&C score due to an under developed paragraph presentation. It does not explain itself very well and limits the understanding of the reader because of the lack of information in the paragraph.

Your C&C will further be lowered by the reasoning only topic presentation in the next paragraph. You failed to properly convince the reader, using proper explanations, reasons, and examples to prove the point of the public in support of this opinion. When you do not properly explain and develop your topic sentences, the paragraph becomes under explained and under developed, further reducing your overall score.

Finally, the concluding paragraph. You presented your personal opinion as the closing statement, creating an open ended presentation. There is no wrap up or summary presentation of the properly developed discussion points for all 3 points of view. So this essay will really have a highly difficult time receiving a passing score. Why? Aside from the errors I pointed out, you also have sentence structure errors and grammar problems that will further reduce your LR and GRA scores. Overall, the essay will not get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / Discuss some problems of living in large cities [2]

You only needed the last 2 sentences for your thesis statement. You did not need to add the first sentence because it does not contain any information from the original prompt. You just used it to make your essay longer, which did not add any substance to your presentation anyway. Rather, you altered the original information presentation so expect to receive penalties for including that sentence in the presentation.

Your second paragraph is just confusing to read due to the first 2 sentences. It is repetitive, without any actual information that could help progress the discussion. You only need 5 sentences per paragraph, that makes sense to the reader.

However, you did a good job with the third paragraph presentation and your conclusion. So just pay attention to the errors I pointed out, do not repeat it in the next essay, and you should do just fine. You have the potential to write good essays that can get good scores. So focus on the important part. Stay within the 275-290 word count to help you create better discussion paragraphs.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile Question 2020 - Response to an unfamiliar situation [3]

Okay, the reviewer is going to immediately know that you are talking about a personal breakup and you were suffering from the effects of that break-up. Change the topic. Use something less starry eyed for your reference and more mature and adult related. A relationship breakup and its aftermath isn't going to impress the reviewer. The essay actually comes across as very shallow and lacking in seriousness. Sure you are in a constant state of change, but there is no real growth depicted in the essay. There is no problem or unfamiliar situation that helped you develop through a positive outcome that could refer to your preparedness to attend college.

Letters / Cultural Studies - Letter of Motivation for Erasmus Mundus Master's Program and Scholarship [2]

The letter of motivation should be only 1 page long. You have written 2 pages. That means the letter contains several irrelevant references. This feels like you are writing a long form of your resume instead of a motivation letter. Which is why this is not an effective motivation letter. I realize that your course does not relate to your chosen masters course and you are trying to justify the interest. Skip the undergraduate discussion. It won't help. You would do better highlighting your previous EM experience instead. Then discuss the courses you have chosen, in a manner that will show its relationship to your undergraduate course. From there, discuss the university choices and why. It appears to me that you did not bother to read the motivation letter requirements, which is why your letter went overboard, without actually delivering the required information. You have to write a new letter, that better suits the information needs of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 about creating housing in cities [4]

You have bigger problems than your TA failure. The essay will never pass because, you not only failed to properly address the prompt, but you also failed to write the minimum number of words. You have to write at least 250 words to get the minimum passing consideration within the scoring meters for each section. In this case, you will receive a percentage deduction for the TA score based on the missing 42 words. Add up the word count situation and the improper task response and your essay will begin at such a low TA mark, there is absolutely no way you can get even close to a passing score.

Then there is the problem of the conclusion. You need to write at least 40 words, composed of at least 2 sentence for this section. That means 20 words per sentence at a minimum. Failure to present the proper format will also result in additional TA penalties in this section. You failed to show a proper reverse paraphrase of the given discussion. Anyway, all of these observations are moot since you failed immediately in the first paragraph anyway, which led to failing discussion paragraphs, and so on and so forth. You get the picture. You admitted having observed the errors yourself.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS PART 2: MOST COUNTRIES HAVE TRADITIONAL CELBRATIONS THAT OCCUR ANNUALLY... [2]

There was no need to define traditions at the start of this essay. It actually did not help your presentation because you added information rather than simply restating the original topic and discussion points. The first paragraph for this essay should have only covered:

Sentence 1: Restated topic (in your own words using synonyms)
Sentence 2: Reason for the discussion
Sentence 3: Your opinion indicating the benefits of traditions for societies

The original prompt always tells you how many sentences to write. Count the representations. In this case, the original prompt shows:
- Topic (traditions)
- Reference ( occurs annually)
- Discussion ( opinion about benefits)

As I showed you above, you have to outline the discussion first. Analyze how the discussion should be presented per paragraph before you start typing. Outlining and drafting the content are very important to the TA scoring section.

You did a very good job in the discussion presentation. Each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, reason, example, and supporting statements. All of which helped to create a properly developed paragraph. You should score well in the C&C section because of the efficiency of your discussion.

In the conclusion. You should not have changed the discussion instruction from the original presentation. By saying there can be severe problems and disadvantages, you are not properly representing the reverse paraphrase. You need to simply restate the discussion points from the original prompt and your opinion presentation to complete the concluding presentation. The problems with your introduction and conclusion will work together to lower your TA score. So your final score may not be as high as it can be because the TA score will start off at a lower score than previously expected.

Grammar, Usage / SENTENCE PRACTICE: IS THERE ANY FAULTS? [2]

This piece of writing has several marked problems in its presentation.
1. The student tried to write a complex sentence but neglected to identify that there are several sentences in the presentation. Instead of complex sentences. The student created a run-on instead.

2. The student failed to represent proper tense usage in the presentation. Was the sentence to be written in the present, past, or future form? Proper time frame references for the words should have been used.

3.The writer should have identified the actual subject of the sentence. As a reader, I cannot be sure if the subject refers to the parents or the children.

4. The action words need to be used in the proper reference form. Is it over-protected or over protective? This relates back to the tense usage problem the student originally showed.

Sadly, I am not allowed to revise the sentences for you. I can only point out the errors you made in the writing of the passage. You should be able to identify and correct your errors personally, based upon the observations that I have indicated with regards to the errors in your writing. These 2 main observations should get you started on the right track with regards to correcting your presentation.