Graduate / My propensity towards data-driven systems and computer-based application - Data science masters SOP [2]

There is a problem with this essay. Though you fulfilled the academic and technical requirements for the course, even adding your notable accomplishments, which made the statement impressive in terms of qualifications, there is no actual purpose being indicated within. Though you meant your first paragraph to inform the reader of a purpose for your studies, you only succeeded in presenting an observation of what can be achieved within this field. You failed to represent your personal interests for taking the masters course. There should be 2 separate paragraphs in this essay that represent the purpose. The first, is your academic goal for studies in relation to your future career path. The second, is a reference to your potential masters thesis that would help reiterate your academic and professional interests as it relates to your potential to contribute to this field both locally and internationally. Along with this purpose, you should also have referred, in more expanded terms, about how and why you chose to study at EPFL. Your reference to that is too shallow, narrow minded, and without any reference to the potential importance of the university in the field of masters study that you have chosen. You should edit the essay to balance your discussion out. Try to limit your other information to only the most impressive and relevant ones. You need not refer to every little accomplishment you have. Only the ones that actually relate to your academic prowess, the importance of your undergraduate thesis, and how these, along with possible notable internships, have helped you become an accomplished professional today.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 - why are teenagers committing more crimes? [3]

The original prompt refers to children and teenagers. In your topic sentence, you only refer to children. There is a missing information point, the teenagers, both must be represented, using synonyms in your presentation. If you are making suggestions for reasons for the crime being committed, it would be better to not mention school environments yet. Mostly because you use the phrase "but I suggest", which means you are uncertain. Unless you can make a definite statement, it would be better not to mention the topic at all.

The first reasoning build up in your reasoning discussion was great. Then it lost cohesiveness when you presented the second reason in the same paragraph. You did not give as complete a reference discussion for that reason in the presentation, causing the paragraph to become under developed. Use one topic at a time to avoid this problem.

Your discussions needs to sound normal. It should not sound like you opened a dictionary and used "big words" in the hopes of impressing the examiner. The natural sound of the discussion, rather than trying to sound intellectual when your grammar for the most part of the presentation is problematic, will only serve to get you a lower LR score. So rather than saying


, you should instead, simply say, "Teaching young offenders to recognize when they are breaking the law" or "Teaching young offenders to identify when they are committing a crime..." would have been more effective, believable, and applicable to the presentation. Just because the word or phrase sounds impressive to you as an ESL, does not mean that you are using the word in the proper context. Which is the error you made in this presentation.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay on a subject of personal importance - NTU essay for scholarship [3]

It would be better to leave the reference to dogs out of the essay. Always be politically correct. Try not to accidentally insult a dog lover reviewer, who may have accidentally been assigned to review your paper. You do not want to lose your slot based on a technicality or accidentally insulting someone. Which is what that presentation sentence in this essay does.

Your second to the last presentation does not tie back to the discussion of why cats are important to you. The discussion has to come full circle in the end, without the "to conclude" bit because that sections tells the reviewer that you lost track of the presentation. You started by discussing the importance of cats, and ended with a discussion reference to compassion instead.

Undergraduate / Why I wanted to be an Explorer - Personal Statement WELLESLEY UNDERGRAD [4]

Your discussion is severely disconnected from the content of a personal statement. The reviewer is actually going to be turned off by you saying you knew what you wanted to be at the age of 5. It would be better if you did not mention an age at all because when you mention having an ambition during your toddler years, the reviewer sees that as an exaggeration and tends to not believe the rest of the statements you made within the essay.

You should be showing the progression of your interest in the particular major that you want to pursue. Include any reference to your extra curricular activities that relate to the development of your interest. The last part of the personal statement should allow you to discuss why you chose the university based on your personal social goals and academic ambitions.

Letters / My journey of mathematics and CS - motivational letter for data science [3]

The first paragraph is not useful. You should not waste word count on useless backstories that do not advance your story or inform the reviewer. You should remove that paragraph and instead, discuss how your interest in Data Science has developed since you graduated. Open the essay with your current career path and how it relates to your interest in Data Science. Having explained that, use a new paragraph to discuss how you performed in classes related to Data Science during your undergraduate time. This should help explain the skills that you developed as a student and how you apply it in your current job. The internship discussion is relevant, but covers too much of your presentation. There should be more of a focus on your current profession, any training or seminar you attended that could prove relevant to the masters course you are taking, and an explanation of your university choice. The PhD reference is too far reaching and currently irrelevant to the discussion.

Undergraduate / Why I chose the New York University Abu Dhabi - to learn about the world [3]

The first 3 paragraphs of this essay are throw away presentations. You are not explaining why you chose to study at NYU - AD. You are just rambling on nonsensically about the International Association of Universities. The references do not make any point. You could have been discussing any university in the world based on that presentation and believe me, the reviewer will not get past the second paragraph before passing on your application. You need to make an impact immediately.

If you plan on pursuing a career in Psychology, then explain, in no uncertain terms, what drew you to study the course at NYU-AD. What are the reasons you believe their Psychology Department can teach you things that other universities can't? What achievements of that department align with your future ambitions or study interests? You did well in the social reasons for choosing the university, it is the academic reason where you failed. The academic reasons are far more important and notable than the social reasons for choosing a university. Be specific. Don't discuss in general terms, don't gloss over things. Focus on the importance of an NYU-AD education in the field of Psychology.

Graduate / 'I wanted to become a monkey' - Personal Statement for Masters of Environmental Management [4]

Forget the reference to your 3-year-old self. That is not going to impress the reviewer. You are writing a personal statement that should show your adult mindset, responsible attitude, and sense of responsibility within your undergraduate and professional development. You are wasting time with that reference. Instead, focus your discussion on explaining how your profession was supported by your notable academic achievements and why you feel that now is the right time for you to pursue a masters course.

The second paragraph has a confusing sentence in it. Since you never referred to the Peace Corps earlier in the presentation, the sudden inclusion of that in the discussion makes it a bit confusing for the reviewer. What does that experience have to do with anything? You should make a proper introduction to that aspect of your life prior to mentioning it later on.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Bar chart: Waste collection from 2011 to 2015 [3]

There is only one bar chart presented, use the singular form of the word instead of the plural form. 2 separate images of the same kind would be "bar charts". One image with several bars in it references a single "bar chart". The summary overview should include the measurement used and the 4 types of trash collected. The trending statement is singular. The "overall" statement is the trend. The "moreover" is unnecessary. The rest of the presentation is acceptable. However, you have written too many words for a 20 minute task. You should be writing between 175-190 words only since you still have to proof read and improve the content of your presentation before submitting it. Do not believe anybody who tells you to just keep writing so you can score higher. Writing more causes more forced errors and also, endangers your ability to complete the writing within the allotted time frame.

Writing Feedback / Studying at university or college is the best way for professional career [3]

Why are you mentioning parents as a set of people with a point of view in this discussion? They are not part of the original presentation. The original discussion uses a reference to some people and other people. There is no reference to parents. Do not use references that are not supported by synonym usage or topic discussion reasons in the original presentation. You will lose points for that. You are not being asked to provide a conclusion in this essay, only your point of view. You have created severe prompt deviations in this essay that will end up getting you a failing TA score due to your obvious inability to understand English instructions. That means, that you matter how good your reasoning might be, your essay will not pass the test.

Your GRA will be a failing score because you do not know when you use capital letters in a sentence and when not to. You are oftentimes using capital letters for words that are not proper nouns in the sentence, which is a violation of English grammar rules. I strongly urge you to learn more about proper nouns and word capitalization before you start your next practice essay.

There are no proper references to the 2 public points of view and your personal opinion either. This essay is just so bad, it is definitely not going to pass the test. Start learning the basics of English writing first, then learn how to properly format the Task 2 essays. Do not just keep writing the task 2 essays, you will not learn how to pass the test that way.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, a higher number of sport matches played by males are broadcast, compared with women [2]

The second sentence in your prompt restatement is unnecessary. You are offering an opinion and information that is not based on the data provided in the original discussion presentation. You will be scored down for adding personal opinions to the paraphrasing, thus making it an inaccurate representation of the original.

You have a problem expressing yourself in English. The sentences you are presenting do not make sense. The problem lies heavily in your lack of proper LR usage and GRA skills. Your first reasoning paragraph is confusing to read and does not make sense at all to the ENL reader. You are also presenting only reasons, but not explaining why these reasons relate to the discussion. Thus, the presentation is under developed and lacking in logic and sense.

Your second reasoning paragraph is not a proper mix of simple and complex English sentences. I think the problem is that you are thinking in one language, and then trying to write in English, transliteration is the min problem that most ESL students have to overcome in order to pass these tests.

Writing Feedback / Student part time jobs while learning at campus [3]

You properly restated the prompt and delivered a clear response in line with the question being asked for the discussion. The reasoning paragraphs are where your presentation and reasoning problems can really be found. Not so much so that you would not get a passing score though. You just need to improve certain aspects to gain a higher than average passing score.

In the first reasoning paragraph, you do not need to tell the examiner that you are beginning the discussion. Merely open with a topic statement in order to highlight the theme of the paragraph. Use a transition sentence instead of a transition word to introduce the next topic. That way you get a better GRA score. You did fairly well in the first reasoning paragraph.

Your second paragraph is the problem. You changed the discussion topic in that section from justifications for your agreement to an Advantage / Disadvantage discussion. That is not what the essay is about. So the inclusion of that sentence in the paragraph was a bad move on your part. Never change the prompt requirement midstream. Always retain the essence of the original prompt to show that you have a good range of reading and comprehension skills on your part. your TA score will benefit from it. You should not be presenting an opinion in that paragraph either because it is not being asked for in the original prompt. You are only being asked to measure your rate of agreement, not give an opinion. An opinion requires a different discussion point.

Research Papers / Dress Responsibly: The Social and Environmental Downfalls of Fast Fashion. [2]

1. In Dress Responsibly, there is no foundational statement that would explain what factors drive the people to dress irresponsibly. Why has dressing irresponsibly become a trend? There needs to be some connecting information between "dress responsibly" and "What and Why Fast Fashion? the transition paragraph at the end of the first presentation would help immensely in accomplishing that.

2. Not everyone understands the term fast fashion. Therefore, you should offer an explanation / definition of the term. How was is coined? When was it first used? You can improve the historical representation of the term a bit more.

3. There is a heavy reliance on quoted text and paraphrasing in the presentation. This makes the essay less of a research paper and more of a cut and paste number. You may want to reduce the quotations in favor of more personal presentations. That way you are not merely mouthing people's words, but actually offering a deeper insight regarding the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive: The Story of A Person That Changed You A Lot [2]

There should be an additional paragraph that explains how you met this man. Why did you decide to speak to him, what his name was and why you thought he was safe to talk to (stranger danger!). How the conversation deviated towards studies and he thought it best to tell you some of his story. This presentation is weak in development. It does not have an informative presentation because it skips around in the story and does not create a strong foundation for the actual presentation. As a creative writing exercise, I doubt this will get a passing score. You have to remember, the backstory, the scene set up, and actual dialogue between the parties would have helped to turn this non dimensional presentation into at least, a one dimensional story.

Undergraduate / Persistent-UBC Personal Essay- Tell us about who you are [3]

This is an essay that does not use your point of view to describe how others might see you. The reference point needs to be in the third person for your family members (either parents or siblings), friends (group or bestie), teacher, or community group you participate in. You are not meeting the character and conduct reference requirements of this essay. Let the reviewer know how you function under different social circumstances. What kind of child are you? Sibling? Friend? Best Friend? Student? Community member? You really fell away from these discussion points in the essay. You lost track of what the requirement for the discussion really is. So you will need to go back and write a totally new essay. You also failed to speak of something that you are most proud of in the essay. It is almost as if you are writing an open topic, rather than prompt provided essay here. Your current version does not respond to the given task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1; Underground railway system in six cities: London, Paris, Tokyo, Washington DC, Kyoto and LA [2]

As this is a task 1 essay, it should only be given a brief discussion or report presentation. You should not go over 190 words since you only have 20 minutes to write the task. Writing more than 200 words could cut into the Task 2 writing time since you still need to proof read and rewrite the Task 1 essay. That could cause you to cut into the Task 2 writing time. Keep it short, do not over analyze unless you actually have to. Brief and concise is the best way to get a high score in this task.

The summary overview is incomplete. You should not just represent the type of image and list the 6 cities, you also need to present a trending statement at the end which indicates the most notable information from the table or any other image. In this case, you could have trended by saying Tokyo was the second oldest system with the third longest route, but the highest number of passengers.

Try to keep a uniform sentence number in each paragraph. You should have between 3-5 sentences each as those are the minimum and maximum requirements for the Task 1 presentation. Avoid using run on sentences, which you are prone to, in your presentations. Run - on sentences help you meet the word requirement but usually end up reducing the clarity of your sentence and/or paragraph presentation. Make sure to use the proper simple and complex sentence mix instead.

Writing Feedback / The pie charts illustrate the average percentage of three different ingredients in normal U.S. meals [3]

There are 3 pie charts presented. Therefore, the paragraph presentation for this report should fall under the 4 paragraph category covering:
- Information paraphrase + Trending statement
- Chart 1 + comparisons within the chart
- Chart 2 + Comparisons
- Chart 3 + Comparisons
- Chart 4 + Comparisons

As you can see, you have written 153 words, but you failed to present a proper analysis and comparison discussion based on the 3 given images. You did not refer the reader to how many chars were presented, what the measurements were based on, and what the pie cuts represent (meals). Overall, this report does not present a fully analyzed study of the image. You also failed to deliver the proper summary information and trending statement. There is also a big problem with the format presentation of your report. You did not really apply too much effort in the writing of this report. Your report is rushed and little informative in terms of the reader's understanding of your writing.

Undergraduate / Essay for application in the textlixes, merchandising and fashion design department in a korean uni [4]

You should reverse the opening presentation. Start with the motivation using the second paragraph, then present the first paragraph regarding the influence of Korea in fashion and how it motivated you to become part of the industry. It would be better if you do not tell the reviewer that you had no interest in fashion at first, nor did you consider it a possible career choice for you. That would be a negative representation on your part. It may appear that you are not really interested in the course and could change courses midstream. Always make sure that your excitement and interest in the course you have chosen is within its strongest possible presentation.

Do not use cliche phrases such as "City that never sleeps" which, by the way, describes New York, not South Korea you are attributing the phrase to the wrong country and city. Also, you do not present a study plan in the essay so you should work on that. The study plan is related to your thesis paper which is a requirement for your graduation. It can be changed later on if you wish, but the reviewer needs to see that you have a clear plan of action as a student within your application.

Writing Feedback / My first introduction for a synthesis essay [2]

I am not sure what kind of synthesis essay you are writing. There are actually 3 types of synthesis essays that you could be writing at this point, each with a different writing approach. So unless I know if you are writing:

-An argument synthesis
- Review
- Explanatory / Background synthesis essay

I will not be able to give you ample advise regarding your synthesis introductions. Your current presentation is all too confusing anyway since you are not making your actual topic clear from the very first sentence of the essay. If the review (I am guessing) is about the development of fast food in a positive and negative manner, then saying that humans keep chasing happiness does not have any direct connection to your topic/s for review. You may want to clarify those points and consider the synthesis requirements for the topic you have chosen based on the type of discussion you will be presenting.

Undergraduate / Personal statement with a focus on what you learned from and felt during an extracurricular activity [4]

It would be better to show a diverse form of activities ( a mix of curricular and extra curricular) for this type of essay. The reason being that the activities are being used to gauge your maturity as an individual. Each activity should have placed you in an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation that you had to overcome. With every activity that you discuss, you should be able to highlight a sense of maturity, responsibility, or adaptability that would indicate a preparation for college. Your ability to stick to the tasks, and learn from the situations help you create an image in the eyes of the reviewer, who wishes to see your character and conduct when dealing with various situations. As a college student, these traits will be some of the most important factors for your acceptance consideration as an immature or shallow minded student is considered ill prepared for college life.

Letters / Motivation letter to apply for Stipendium Hungaricum Scholarship Programme [2]

I will be unable to review this paper based on content and relevance because you have over written the motivation letter. You must present a single page letter of motivation. You wrote a page and a half. As you are the original author of this work, I cannot truly tell you which parts to remove and which parts to retain. You will need to edit the content of the paper based upon what you want to say instead. You will be able to cut down on the presentation information if you can manage to combine information in some paragraphs or delete the paragraphs that are only meant to plead your case or just extend your presentation. It is important that the letter be only 5 paragraphs in length since there are several other records that you will be submitting, which the foundation will consider, along with your motivation letter, as the basis for your admission.

Research Papers / Exercise Is The Fountain Of Health [2]

So what is the clearly set out thesis statement for this essay? What is the point of your introduction? You failed to introduce your thesis and succeeding discussion topics that will help prove your thesis in the introduction. Using that quotation within the text is irrelevant. It did not help build the thesis statement, nor did it present it. There is no clear purpose for your research and as such, cannot be deemed a well outlined, planned, and researched essay. What did you research and what information are you presenting when you failed to present a clear discussion question/ topic. along with a relatively simple discussion outline for the presentation? Work on clearing up your thesis statement before you edit the information in the essay.

The essay will have a problem passing a plagiarism checker because it contains more than 30 % quoted material. This will come back as a majorly plagiarized research paper because on the AI of the plagiarism software, Reduce the amount of quotes, use more paraphrasing, with proper referencing in the paragraph instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of [6]

Your format is totally incorrect and does not apply the proper GRA requirements to the presentation which could very well result in a failing score for this essay. There are 2 points of view to be discussed in every reasoning paragraph. Each public point of view must be presented with an explanation of the public analysis of the situation, using third person references to make it clear to the examiner that the presentation is explaining said point of view, then the end of it, should have your personal point of view, using first person pronouns to indicate your opinion for each public presentation.

In this presentation, it appears that you combined the discussion for both public points of view in a single paragraph, which has made the presentation unclear to the reader. You need to have 2 separate paragraphs with clear discussion separation presentations. Your discussion is not effective due to the lack of proper discussion reference points and proper formatting for the presentation.

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship : "a subject of personal importance" - exchange program to Italy [3]

So, what is the subject of personal importance? The discussion presented speaks of your ability to overcome personal shortcomings during your year studying as a foreign student in Italy. However, the personal growth and its its possible application on a larger, community wide (at least) scale is unseen. There was no real growth as a person and member of a community. Therefore, the sense of personal importance is not as important nor relevant as you think. You are unable to convince the reviewer that you are a person who has a panoramic view of the world and your place of importance within it in this essay.

Undergraduate / Attributed to William Hastie, Amherst Class of 1925, the first African-American to serve as a judge. [2]

This is not an impressive essay response. The situation you presented, the stuttering in relation to your participation in the MUN does not represent a true obstacle that you had to overcome in order to achieve something of importance or greatness, on a limited scale. The fact that you also quoted Moliere at the end further weakened the presentation.You need to understand that a speech impediment, through an obstacle to overcome, is not related to your interest in politics. Rather, a presentation of running for student government, and the obstacles you had to overcome to get elected, would have been more in line with your course of interest and relevant discussion presentation. I would not proceed with using this representation if I were you. It is too simple and forgettable in content.

Writing Feedback / Opinion Essay: Volunteer Work Graduating Requirements [3]

Are you writing this for a TOEFL or IELTS Test? You have not created a proper representation of the discussion requirement for either format. You do not have a subject in the first sentence before you present your response. To be clear, there is no clarity to the following presentation:


- What requirement? Remember in the IELTS test, you need to present a topic restatement. In a TOEFL test, you need to at least mention the topic within your direct response to the question. Without it, the presentation doesn't make any sense. Since you have a topic sentence in the second half of the presentation, you should have started with that first, or immediately presented that information first. Again, the presentation format will depend on the type of English test you are taking. Do not confuse the IELTS and TOEFL writing tasks. Though they have the same topics at times, the discussion presentations are highly different in format and scoring criteria.

Writing Feedback / The best age to learn a foreign language [4]

The actual prompt for this essay is based on the discussion that children tend to benefit more from learning a foreign language in primary school rather than secondary school. You are being asked to compare the advantages and disadvantages of this idea. You are not being asked to support one side of the discussion. An non-opinion based comparative discussion is required for this presentation. The problem, is that even though you presented the correct response to the discussion instructions, you added information to the essay restatement that was not part of the original discussion which is about the age best suited to learning a foreign language. You must never pose a rhetorical question in the prompt restatement because that totally changes the discussion topic. As such, your response is only partially correct and will receive a not so passing score in the TA section because of it.

There are referencing errors in your reasoning paragraphs. In the first reasoning paragraph, you indicated " there are some disadvantages when children studies at primary school." Studies what? Where is the subject of that sentence? What is the child going to study at a disadvantage. That is an improperly developed sentence. There is no logic to the presentation. The reference to language studies should be done twice in that sentence. Once as a topic sentence and another, as a transition sentence.

Do not present an opinion when the prompt is not asking you present one. You will get a reduced TA score for changing the discussion instructions twice in one essay. The conclusion should merely repeat the topic, and the reasons for advantages and disadvantages, nothing more.

Writing Feedback / Short Essay: About Video Games Played by Children [3]

Is this for a task 2 essay? If it is, then you have not written enough words to get a passing score at the end. You have to write at least 250 words. Since you did not properly provide the word count required, your discussions are all underdeveloped and lacking in reasoning, which is where your C8C score will be based. Your paragraphs are lacking in sentence presentations. You consistently write only 2 sentences per paragraph where the minimum requirement is 3, with a maximum of 5 sentences. While you did present good reasons and discussion foundations, it is the lack of full on thought development that hindered the clarity and quality of your discussion presentation.

Dissertations / The impact of the conservative revolution on American political, economic, cultural and social lives [2]

You need to go back into the era of Jimmy Carter as president. America was a different country before Ronald Reagan took office so you need to look into the historical factors behind the political, economic, cultural, and social lives that existed in the 1980's. After you understand the leadership of Carter, then you can begin to understand why Ronald Reagan won and why he had such controversial policies akin to Donald Trump's. Read the article "How and Why Ronald Reagan Won" to get a better background of the factors you have to research and discuss. The article is openly available online for you to read and learn from

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL writing] parents should encourage their children to do their homework independently [4]

There are 2 major differences between the TOEFL and IELTS tests:
1. There is no need for a prompt paraphrase, go directly to discussing your response reasons.
2. There is no need for a concluding statement. Simply close the essay without the use of "To sum up", "In conclusion". etc.

That said, I would now like to focus on your sentence structure problems. You are trying to overwrite this essay without considering the "comprehension" aspect for the reader. Being an ESL writer, the longer you make your sentences, the less clear the logic and reasoning behind it becomes. Do not write over complex sentences. Simple sentences with proper vocabulary usage will do more for you than extremely long, but error filled paragraph presentations.

Your explanation is good. It has valid reasons and supporting statements. Like I said, it is the sentence structure and vocabulary usage that eventually proved to be a problem for your presentation. Otherwise, this is still good work worthy of a somewhat passing score.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that films should have educational value, others claim that they just entertain [2]

Accuracy is the name of the game when presenting the prompt paraphrase. You are unnecessarily including information not included in the original prompt. Additional information reference based on your own opinion does not need to be presented in that section. It should only be a complete and authoritative paraphrase of the original presentation. The first first 2 sentence are unnecessary. The reference to "It is true.." is also additional, unsupported information that should not be in the presentation as it is not included as a reference point or question in the original presentation. These errors shall pull down your TA score. The paraphrase should only include 4 sentences:

Sentence 1: Topic
Sentence 2: First point of view
Sentence 3: Second point of view
Sentence 4: Personal opinion

Notice that every sentence presented is in reference to the original prompt, without additional information. That is how the paraphrase is developed.

The overall presentation you have used in the reasoning discussion is also incorrect as these only refer to your point of view, without a comparison to the public point of view presented previously. You must present your opinion at the end of each reasoning paragraph based on the public point of view presentation. Do you agree or disagree with it? Explain. That is how the reasoning paragraphs work.

By the way, you cannot use a comma and an ellipse at the same time. You may use only one punctuation mark at a time because each punctuation mark as a specific function in a given sentence presentation. The comma, means there is information to follow, the ellipses is used to indicate missing piece of text, or allows for a pause in writing. An ellipses is only used in creative writing to express hesitation, changes of mood, suspense, or thoughts trailing off. None of which exist in your sentence presentation.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing task 1] BAR CHART: the annual pay for doctors and other workers in seven countries [5]

The summary overview is incomplete. You twice mentioned several cpunyries, but only mwntioned 2 in the summary. A comprehensive summary would have listed the 7 countries completely to assist in thw trending statement presentation.

As you forgot to include the actual image, the conyributor review of your work cannot be completed. The image is necessary for my analysis of the accuracy of your report and spotting areas for improvement in your presentation.

Was there a financial representation involved? What were the numerical figures for salary costs? How were these digures arrived at? What was it based on? The information you presented comes across as incomplete to me. Again, having the image on hand would have helped in this case.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing task 1] Diagram: The changes of a cinema from 1980 until now. [2]

Let us start with the format problem of the report. The task 1 essay follows a specific simple format for its basic presentation. This must have been presented in a 3 paragraph format. The paragraphs should have been divided into the following sections:

Par 1 : Summary overview.
Par. 2: 1980 information
Par. 3: Present information

There is also a lack of clarity regarding the number of images and the identity of the image presented. The indication should have shown 2 illustrations rather than simply the plural form of diagrams. These are illustrations or drawings that show differences. A diagram shows a series of instructions with regards to a process or procedure.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: LINE GRAPH; the average number of Vietnamese students study in 3 different country [7]

The report lacks an analysis of tge overlapping years when the USA and the other 2 countries had an equal number of enrollees. The instructions for this essay include a portion for making comparisons where relevant. The most significant comparison upon first scanning the image are the intersection points where the data for countries meet in equal numbers. These should have also been noted in your report as it would have added a deeper analysis of the given image, adding to your TA score in the process. When writing these analyrical essays, you should try to go deeper into the presentation whenever you can. That is to prove that you have the thinking, mindset, and analytical abilities of a student who is entering university. Use comprehensive rather than simple data analysis when you can. Simple analysis is used for diagrams, comprehensive is used for measured presentations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2, CHANGE APPEARANCE IS POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE DEVELOPMENT? [3]

Good work on the response, bad job on the restatement. You used the memorized reference from the original prompt word for word instead of changing the presentation to suit your English vocabulary knowledge. The idea is to present the topic to the reader based on your own understanding and word usage. You cannot use the same words from the original as that will result in a failing score based on the use of cut and paste or memorized phrases. You will immediately have a non passing score in one scoring section which will make it difficult for you to get a passing score based on the overall scoring considerations. Good job on the direct response though. You have shown that you understood the topic and how to respond to it. It is sad that the score for that section will still be non passing because of the non revised presentation part.

Good reasoning paragraphs. You clearly explained the 2 reasons why you believe this is a negative development. There are ample justifications and a properly developed discussion in each paragraph. However, the language is not perfect and still contains several GRA errors within the presentation that will affect that scoring section of your rubic.

There is a confusing portion in your concluding summary that will further affect the coherence of your presentation. This part is difficult to understand as the meaning is unclear:


Did you accidentally repeat the phrase "many problems"? If so, then you need to make sure to avoid those types of mistakes in the future. Always proof read your work to ensure the high written quality of your presentation. Correct all errors that could lower your score. I am sure you will do well when you rewrite certain portions that you may think could be unclear to the reader. Revising is always beneficial to the exam taker.

Graduate / Short answer essay for Masters of Environmental Management [3]

Both approaches are correct and are effectively combined in your response statement. You clearly displayed an excitement about learning, after discovering something about the software and you followed through by learning something in relation to the discovery. I would like to suggest that you play up the excitement factor instead. Limit the hesitation because that defeats the excitement purpose of the presentation. You have to show that you are eager / excited to learn about new things since that relates to your image as a student. When you say you were hesitant, you kind of imply that you do not take nicely to change and will only do it if it comes in the form of a veiled order from a superior officer.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Should students pay the full cost for their own study? [4]

There are 2 problems with your presentation. The first problem has to do with the paraphrasing of the original topic. The second problem, is related to your response format. Both of which can lower your TA score in the actual test.

The paraphrasing is problematic because you did not change enough of the keywords from the original prompt to convince the examiner that you did not a mere cut and paste job in the presentation. Your LR score is based on your ability to use synonyms within your paraphrasing. So, what phrase should you have rephrased to avoid that error? You should have replaced , "individuals rather than society". If you had said, "to the person ( or graduate) rather than the community." That would been a direct rephrasing of the original phrase and eliminate the cut and paste possibility in the mind of the examiner.

Next, you were asked for an extent response. Yet, the response you gave did not respond to the question as there was no measurement indicated nor a related response topic. Compare:

OQ: To what extent do you agree?
R: I believe that the government should help students cover tertiary education.

If you notice, you had changed the discussion from:
OT: Students should pay the full cost for their own study

to:

YT: the government should help students cover tertiary education.

Your TA score will be based on an unrelated response presentation. You changed the prompt instructions and caused a prompt deviation, which will earn you a failing TA score even if the reasoning paragraphs are on topic. The reasoning paragraphs are scored on a different consideration basis.

Your concluding paragraph will not help your TA score because the response you presented is based on the altered discussion presentation that you used in your paraphrasing, further resulting in a low TA percentage score. I am not convinced that you can manage to get a passing score based only on the reasoning discussion as you have other GRA errors in those sections as well.

Book Reports / Little Women - What reading have you enjoyed most in the past year? [2]

You are discussing the book in general terms, which is a waste of your word count. The book that you read needs to provide a sense of lesson learned or realization on your part. It has to show that you developed as a person due to the connection you made with the reading. You cannot just present a summary of the story and imply that you enjoyed parts, cried in some parts, and enjoyed a full range of emotions. That does not imply a character development on your part due to your learning from the life and times of these independent and free spirited girls who were ahead of their time when the book was written.

Writing Feedback / Should private healthcare be banned? Medical services should not be run by profit-making companies [3]

Your prompt paraphrase includes information that offers your opinion of the given topic, which is not required when stating the topic for discussion. The reference to, "...many people still have to cope with poor medical services due to indigent conditions regardless of improved healthcare." should be removed from the restatement. It's removal will make the presentation more prompt adherent with regards to your providing your own take of the topic for the discussion and its reasons.

The next error in this presentation, which will result in a score based on an unrelated discussion topic is as follows: "in my opinion, the opposite might be more reasonable for a sustainable development of the community." This is incorrect and unrelated to the topic being presented because the original discussion question is: "Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?" Therefore, your response is totally unrelated to the task. It does not even refer to a related discussion or information from the original question provided. In effect, you created your own prompt to respond to which will cost you a passing score in this presentation.

Your concluding statement will be another reason for this essay to fail. You wrote less than 40 words in that section, indicating that you did not complete a proper summary restatement in that section.

Writing Feedback / "Young people should do just what they like". To what extent do you agree or disagree? [2]

It appears to me that you did not accurately restate the original topic and its supporting reasons. It does not make sense to say that parents are accommodating their children but then also claim that they are loosely imposing regulations on their children. Kindly remember that you need to post the original prompt along with your essay so that the people here can give you proper and relevant advise. As of now, your restatement does not make sense and the examiner will score you partly based on that along with a failing score for not discussing the essay in the appropriate format. You are being asked to respond to an extent single opinion essay. You responded to the prompt by instead arguing that the method of raising the children is unwise. Compare the two to see your error with full clarity:

OT: "Young people should do just what they like". To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: This essay will argue that it is an unwise method to raise children by giving them the whole autonomy

An extent response was required in the form of:

I completely disagree with this opinion based on two specific reasons. First... Second...

Due to the lack of proper discussion information, I cannot review your essay beyond this point. There is no original prompt for me to refer to with regards to the content, discussion process, and other requirements. I can only refer to the previously mentioned problems and errors based only on the incomplete title you used for this thread. It will not be right for me to hazard any guesses regarding your writing and content because I am not sure if the advice I will be giving will be correct or relevant to your current presentation. Kindly remember to provide a copy of the original prompt next time. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Write a letter to the landlord of the apartment you rented and ask for the return of your deposit [2]

Band scoring is a premium service you can avail of when you use our private review services or make this thread Urgent. Any student who scores an essay will get his account immediately suspended. Our free reviews are useful enough for the serious student. However, our premium services give you a more comprehensive review of your work.

In the first part of the presentation, you failed to mention your whole name at the start. There could be 2 Cheryl's living in the building so you have to be clear about your name. You should also make up information regarding the duration of the contract you signed and the agreement within it regarding refunds of your deposit. The ruling regarding the refund is indicated in the rental contract You should not be referring to a termination of rental contract in the essay because the instruction is based on the actual rental contract. That is where the refund is indicated. You are adding information to the essay, which will affect your TA score.

Mention that the landlord refuses to refund your deposit before saying that you believe you met the terms of the contract. Then refer to seeking legal advice is need be. At the moment, you seem to be harassing your landlord for no reason. The letter is a bit incomplete in certain aspects. Make sure you address the needs of the letter, based on the given (not added) information, and ensure that the reason for your letter is always clear before making an claims as indicated.