Scholarship / Scholarship - Explaining my career/academic goals [4]


Have you been already granted this scholarship?
Also, at the beginning you mention this is going to be your study plan, but the contents do not seem like a study plan. Also it talks very little about your career and future goals. I think you better post the full prompt here so that we get a clearer idea as to what it expects from you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : School attendance in the UK in 2007 [7]

Well, you miss out one of the most important features for this task which is the Overview in that you tell the reader about main observations or trends. Note that this overview should not contain any details. This is how the structure goes;

1. Introduction
2. Overview
3. Details (you can have about two paras for this section while others can be even just one sentence)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II: Dress reflects Chracter [10]


I too :D
Yes, it is my pleasure too to help you with improving your essays so that you can go for a good band at IELTS. Please do not feel discouraged or hurt with my comments because I generally tell things straight off unlike dumi who is more diplomatic and patient than me ... LOL

Also, our comments are aimed at perfecting your essay and they do not imply your writing is very bad.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Some people think that government should provide unemployed people with a free cell [11]


Yes, this is very important. Your title alone would not help us understand what it requires from you. Make sure you include the prompt with your essay.

I think your intro needs improvements in terms of its structure and I'm copying the one that dumi suggests for this task.

Essays / Introduction - What will you do with your one wild and precious life? Turning Point. [5]


This is true but sounds more like theory stuff. However, I guess the admission guys are not interested in knowing theory. They want to know about you and in this prompt they want to know about a turning point in your life and how you realized what you were doing wrong. Their focus is to understand your character and personality to be sure that you are a right candidate for their degree program and would not drop out :D So, make use of every word and sentence to tell things about you.

Undergraduate / Queen's PSE: Describe a challenging experience and what you have learned from it. [3]


Well, what you've said about is all true. However, they are known stuff and I guess the admission guys are not interested in knowing theory. They want to know about you and how you have taken up a challenge and what you learned from that. Their focus is to understand your character and personality to be sure that you are a right candidate for their degree program and would not drop out :D So, make use of every word and sentence to tell things about you.

Writing Feedback / Should a new restaurant be built in your neighborhood? [5]


Every person has / Everybody has / All persons have


This sentence lacks clarity. You need to improve your sentences to deliver your ideas more clearly to the reader. I think it's good if you rephrased the above sentence. Try to to avoid his/her in your sentences, at least too frequently. That tends to distract reader's attention from your writing and makes him feel tired.

Scholarship / Essay regarding internship, asked "Give career goals" [3]

If I would've been asked the question,my freshmen year "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" in my freshmen year,then my answer would have been completely different thenthan the one I would now provide. With my past involvement inMy past experience with the University of Arkansas Ecology lab and current involvement inthe University'swith its Water Quality lab, my eyes have been opened up toI now look forward to doing a career field that I never knew existed.about its existence.

Writing Feedback / Report of Numeracy Skill in 24 Countries [10]



I think dumi has given you a very descriptive explanation on the conclusion part. I too agree with here fully because a conclusion is not a requirement for a report on your observations which is the objective of this task. Instead of writing a conclusion, you can have two paras with details (body paras). You need to find some strategy to present information in them. For example, the first detail para can talk about the similarities and the second one the differences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS equal numbers of male and female students; equality is not always possible [3]


I think this sentence does not mean anything useful. The important point here is that sex should not be the priority criterion for selecting students for courses. There are more important criteria such as GPAs, recommendations by professors etc. that need to be considered more. So,always try to skim the core idea and present that.

Further, your first body paragraph contains more than one reason to justify your position. Limit that to one reason per para, but give some specific example to back it up. That you have not done in that para.

Writing Feedback / The chart below display skill levels of male and female employees in a British company in [5]


"Please look over" is a pretty in appropriate for report writing. It sound too personal, however, this task aims at assessing your report writing skills and therefore you need to adopt a more appropriate tone. Be more formal in your style of writing for this task. Stick to reporting your observations and obvious trends only.

Writing Feedback / spend as much money as possible exploring outer space vs basic needs on Earth - TOEFL [3]

Have you been able to manage time for this task? Your essay seems to be pretty lengthy :) It's great if you completed the essay within the allocated time :)

I can see you write very well. However, this task is time bound and you need to adopt a structure that helps you score well as well as manage time efficiently. This following approach would help you with those requirements. You may have to change it slightly as per the essay topic (this is more appropriate for issue topics of Agree/ Disagree type)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: unpaid community service makes children kind and unselfish [3]


Well, the children are not only taught everything about Pythagorean Theorem, but there are so many other theorems that they are taught in full. So, I find this hook lacks logic. Remember, if you write a hook that needs to be catchy and interesting to grab the reader's attention. So, naturally it needs to be logical too.

I am not sure whether you have been advised about the structure that you need to follow for the intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: TAKE A YEAR OFF BETWEEN HIGH SCHOOL AND UNIVERSITY [5]


Which one is the good idea? You talked about both ideas in the introduction. So you need to specify which one is the good one;

Taking an year off between High School and University is a good idea that benefits students in many ways.


... the latter part is not well presented and therefore your flow gets disturbed. Also this sentence is a bit too long.
First, high school graduates often have the trouble in deciding what field they should pursue for higher studies. This is due to their inadequate exposure with regard to work environments and job market.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II: Dress reflects Chracter [10]


Excellent hook :)


This is pretty weak :( Your idea is not conveyed in a clear manner. Tell something simple to go well with your excellent hook. Also, without a much do, quickly come to your background;

Some people believe that this saying applies to people too, but some others do not agree with them. .... your background


...."stuff" sounds too slang :( Better avoid in essay writing though it's ok for a speaking task.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing test 1. Cement and concrete production diagrams. Ielts8 [11]

In addition to the comments provided by previous contributors, I wish to comment about the approach you have taken towards the essay structure. I think it needs more improvement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Art subject can be accepted as compulsory subject if it brings positive role for students [4]


This sentence is too very long and disturbs the clarity of your ideas. Do not write long sentences. Keep your sentences shorter limiting one idea per sentence. Also, understand the main reason here and start your body para with the reason. This is what I understand as the reason here;

First, students need a well rounded education that includes both academic and non academic activities and knowledge to keep themselves less stressed. These Therefore art based subjects are very important that not only help them ease off their study pressures, but also nurture their creative talents.

Now give a specific example to back your reason :)

Writing Feedback / Why or why not should high schools require hours of community work? GOVERNORS SCHOOL [6]


There is so much more to gain through education than learning facts written in text books.


.... You can expand a bit on this ;
The aim of education should be to create a better society and world and therefore the education should promote people to live their lives selflessly by giving back to society.

You write very well :)

Letters / IELTS = Letter writing; Sharing room with another student [3]


Further, we belong to different subject groups and therefore our study circles and patterns differ. Although we share some common interests, this issue has created much incompatibility between us as room mates who spend a lot of time together. It is affecting our studies in a negative manner because we do not have support from each other for our academics.

Always make sure that your reason is supported with a good example. That's the best way to convince the reader :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing: government should spend more money on public services [6]

Your body paragraphs do not contain examples that are important for your score. You need to pay attention to the essay structure.

Writing Feedback / Society advances most when people break from the traditions of their predecessors. [3]


There is no specific example to back your justification.
You need to pay attention to the structure of your essay (I guess this is for practicing for IELTS or TOEFL)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: a study with regular exercises generates dual thinking [3]

Your body paragraphs do not contain specific examples that are important for you to get a decent score. So you need to pay lots of attention to your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / Today's fast paced and busy life demands quicker and easier food preparing methods [3]

Yes, this is too very short for this task. You need to have at least 250 words in it to aim at a decent score.
Follow this structure for your overall essay;

Undergraduate / Parsons School of Art: "Describe a Time When You Were a Minority" [2]

I am also and artistsan artist that,which is not always appreciated by many people because of the idea of beingthey think we are "dreamers" and live far from reality.


I think the second one, the idea of the artist, may help you come up with an interesting story. Tell your experiences and challenges of securing your place in whatever group you belonged to due to being an artist. The more you have real life experiences, the more interesting your essay would be and they'd understand you better and better :)

Graduate / "Surgical Diathermy Unit"; Sop for PHD - Biomedical Engineering [3]


This section lacks creativity. It's too direct and too obvious. You need to show them that you are genuinely interested in this field. So, mere statements that say you are interested in such and such field won't help. Talk through some real life experiences. Tell how this fascination began and how you pursued your passion.

I found this in one of those websites;

Remember your statement of purpose should portray you as (1) passionately interested in the field; (2) intelligent; (3) well-prepared academically and personally; (4) able to take on the challenges of grad school; (5) able to have rapport with professors and fellow grad students - in other words, collegial; (6) able to finish the graduate degree in a timely fashion; and (7) a potentially outstanding representative of that grad school in your future career.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL, It is impossible to be completely honest with friends. [5]

Yes, you need to improve the essay structure if you aim at a good score. Follow what dumi has suggested above for the introduction. This the one she suggests for the overall essay and I think it is very logical and worth following.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task II: discussion about children's ill behavior [4]

Firstly, Children today are facing the problem of takingconsumingtoo much unhealthy food which provides more calories than they need.that leads to obesity and other health related issues.


Hey, there are too many ideas cramped inside this sentence :( I think you need to rephrase this. Limit one idea per sentence and enhance clarity of your writing :)

First, tell all possible causes clearly. For example;
There are several causes that give rise to these issues. First, it is the unhealthy food that children consume on regular basis that leads to obesity and other health related issues. Due to busy modern life-styles, many parents feed their children with fast foods that are rich in calories. Second reason is that the children lack enough physical exercises. For example, many children get car lifts to their school instead of walking.

Writing Feedback / The Dancing girl; SHORT STORY WRITING! [5]


Yes, now you know me; I am a bandit!


I was there to steal one of world masterpiece paintings, Fei Tian, to impress my mentor.


I wore my hand gloves on and began my mission.



I think so.... the flow of your narrative story suddenly gets broken down with this and we are unable to find whether you are continuing that initial story of robbery or not. I think you have to remove all bandit stories and focus on your main story line.

Undergraduate / NUS application Essay- Friends with the WRONG CROWD? [2]


By then, I was a prefect who used to deal with troubled teens who were reluctant to follow school rules and regulations.
I like the way you have answered this prompt. It sounds pretty genuine and it is how it should be. Lots of students just make statements, but you have talked through your experiences. Good job!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Accepting Change Vs Resisting Change [5]


Hey... these are all irrelevant to your topic. Your examiner would be annoyed to read these stuff because he wouldn't be interested in learning management lessons. Stay with your topic, mate! Do not go out of topic. Forget about all big big words. Think clear and know what you are writing. Here in this body para, you need to write what kinds of problems this issue may cause. So, think about a few issues and tell them to the reader. Don't complicate your reader with irrelevant and advanced stuff :D

Writing Feedback / Some people deny changes and choose to stay in their comfort zone [10]


"being resistant" is the right form of grammar. What dumi has mentioned is that your overall idea is not clear to the reader. What do you mean by "actualize themselves"?


I still cannot get this idea, don't know whether dumi would :)
what do you mean by making people actual? Do you mean that making people more realistic?

Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree with the following statement? Face-to-face Communication is better? [4]


This sentence is very confusing. Do not lengthen your sentences unnecessarily. And complete telling one idea before you start another one. Pay more attention to clarity of your sentences and ideas. Limit one idea to one sentence!

This method helphelpsto keep two people connected despite holding grudges against each other.
You need to pay attention to your essay structure too. Follow what dumi has suggested!

Writing Feedback / planting a tree; Young people are more concerned - issues like the environment [5]


Hey, be careful of using synonyms too often in your sentences. If you are not sure of their usage, never use them because they can destroy your idea all together. Clarity of your sentences take precedence over advance vocabulary in essay writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: BAR CHARTS- Married and Divorced in the USA [8]

I think you have a good understanding about the structure for this task. However, I wish you did a little more work with your body paragraphs that give the details. Let's take the first para for example;


Here, you should have talked a bit more about the trends. The most obvious trend in this graph is that the continuous drop number of marriages. So you could have mentioned that with figures. Also, be careful not to make any errors with figures, because figures matter a lot in report writing :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Housing owned and rented in UK [5]

Both dumi and Misterwandering have given you very good advice. Pay attention to those points. Do not write anything that you do not see in the presentation. Do not write your conclusions. Stick to the trends and observations. In addition to what they have said, I also feel you should have another body paragraph with details.


This is wrong grammar and usage both;
rose is the past tense of rise, which means move from a lower position to a higher one. So, you can simply can't say rose down because it violates its meaning. Also the grammatically right form is - "was risen"

Undergraduate / My experience of raising money for charity Anyone check it [3]


Well, it's obvious that city centers have many people walking. Do not emphasize very obvious facts too much :(
First, we formed four teams and began our fund raising campaign at the city center of Cambridge which is always crowded with people.


However, we found that it was very hard to convince people to donate money for our mission because we were not a popular charity group like Red Cross, World Vision etc.


Finally we were able to collect sixty pounds in total.

Writing Feedback / If you were an employer, which kind of worker would you prefer to hire: an inexperienced [3]


.... you remember what? This sentence is incomplete :(
For example, My previous employer which was a computer software developer has to be very prompt in completing the projects it does for its foreign clients.

It seems you have a good idea about how to structure your essay for this task. However, you need to practice more to improve the presentation of your reasons and examples. You will gain that edge through practice :)

Writing Feedback / Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response [5]


I don't understand the connection here. Well, a person can feel lonely at times, but that person may be a very sociable character. However, a person who has spent a lonely life, may become unsociable due to lack of social experiences. I think you need to attend to this sentence to tell the reader what exactly you try to mean. I do not get a clear idea from that sentence :(

Full of potential, Anne was always good in everything that she takestook part.
To me, she was the shiningbrightest star in a night full of stars

Undergraduate / From music to mathematics - Transfer Application Essay for UT Austin. [3]


.... This is pretty long :( ... Also, I don't really like the idea " I could do much more that I believed I could". This gives an idea that you didn't believe in yourself.

Well, it's more important to talk about how you became interested in this field and what you did to pursue your interest. You can mention about your parents' support, but the SOP is not about your parents. You need to tell them how interested you are in this field, what efforts you've made to pursue your studies in this field, how this program will be helping you reach your goals etc.

Writing Feedback / chart show the changing of patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in UK [2]

Your answer to this task prompt needs lots of improvement. Follow dumi's suggestion and re-write this according to the structure she suggests. This task is to assess your report writing skills and therefore you need to adopt a report writing tone. Here you report your observations only and do not talk about anything out of that scope. It seems you can write well, but you need to pay serious attention to the structure :)