Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Modern technology in work place. Disadvantages to relying too much on technology? [5]

Hi Truong, overall the essay has answered what is asked of the prompt, however, you are having a hard time expressing your ideas in the essay and it seemed as though your sentences doesn't match up or senseless.

To further elaborate my findings, please find the corrections below;

- The industrial revolution
- in industrial has led to the development
- of the governments and the people.
- computer usingknowledge from
- theits employees .

- yourour work is based
- examples:, Microsoft Word, Excel, - PreviouslyHowever, in the 80s,
- paperwork instantlyimmediately ,
- so that it was time-consuming
- and it was easy to make
- the program designed tools,
- specific to its purpose,
- yettherefore, people nowadays

There you have it Troung, as you can see there is quiet a lot of work in this essay and I hope you follow through. As mentioned, focus on the sentence construction, make sure that they are complete and has the substance of what you want to impart to your readers.

Writing Feedback / Learning foreign language as early as possible for children future - ielts Task 2 Writing [3]

Hi Yon, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I am happy to WELCOME yet another member of this fantastic and helpful website. I have been a member for over a year now and believe it or not, I learn everyday in this website more than I ever learned in the four corners of my classroom.

Now, going back to your essay, I must say that you have nailed the necessary process of creating a well written essay, the introduction, the body of the essay and the final paragraph. However, the last two paragraphs can be summarized as one in order for you to be able to cut back on the length of the essay without compromising the right idea that needs to be included in the essay.

I would also like to note that I agree on the idea of having the children learn a second or foreign language early on, this will not only help them later on in life but it will open their little minds to other culture, as they say, learning others culture does not necessarily mean that you have to go and travel, you can learn it as well through studying their language.

I wish to review more of your essays and writing projects soon.

Writing Feedback / The Process of Produce Cement and Concentrate [3]

Hi Puja, thank you for making sure that you have included the diagram in your analysis. Below are my observations.

- aboutthe process of - in the crusher
- and then pass through into three
- stages so thatin order to be ready for
- use as a cement.
- To producing aproduce concrete,
- water and gravel .

- until beingto become powder.
- Next, it is included in a mixer
- and passingpass through to a rotating heater
- product resultedof the product ,
- is grindedgrounded until be cement.
- is thewhen the cement is packed
- within the bags.

There you have it Puja, I hope the corrections above are helpful in your revision and I'm happy that I'm able to see progress in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Football World Cup and other sports allows people to release their patriotic emotions in a safe way. [3]

Hi Maxim, below are additional help that will hopefully enhance your essay. I will focus on the first 2 paragraphs of the essay.

- Popular activities like the football
- in easingcoping with ( I believe this is a more appropriate word ) international
- askingverifying if the international

- On the oneother hand,
- a particularunique atmosphere
- with participation ofcheering for their
- It should not gogoes unspoken

There you have it Maxim, I agree with you that international sporting events should actually be marketed properly to people all over the world, it's one of the safest way to shout out your support to your country, express patriotism and let people know that you are one with the many people who love your country.

Moreover, your essay is fairly written, I must say the choices of your words can still be polished and I hope I was able to help.

Letters / My dearest brother, you are the best. No one can like you that is very good person. [4]

Hi Misaki, below are my thoughts on your essay.

To my dearest brother,
- Thank you so much!( this punctuation mark is not necessary )
- you must appear in my mindare always there for me ) .
- Your voice is like sugar
- give towho gives me
- I havecan not
- encourage or imageimagine
- what will happen
- if without you in my life.
- What make us be friend? What's word can impress our relationship?(this sentences are not necessary )
- a new oneperson .
- Why you treat me like a treasure baby?I know - o ne day is leaving dayyou will leave and, iI think
- i mustI will miss you so much.
- Anyway iYou are a blessing you forever.

There you have it Misaki, I hope the corrections above helped you see the difference in your essays and please practice the language more often as this is the only way to improve your writng as well as familiarity to the language.

Undergraduate / A short essay about me for three or four days [7]

Hi Chougrani, it's always a pleasure to provide you with the most accurate and objective modifications for your writing project. I believe you have to work on the following;

- the details of the ideas you want to present to your readers, this is very essential in order to create that complete sense in your sentences.

- know your target or goal, this is usually drawn from the topic or the task provided, pretty much your prompt or the prompt provided to you

- logical sequence, make sure that each and every sentence or paragraph is drawn from the previous idea that you have in order to create a smooth transition of ideas.

Furthermore, learn how to proof read and critique your own wok, this will let you see how well you progressed and with our expertise you will know which areas you still need to develop.

Writing Feedback / Comparison of children born by women in age from 40 to 44 in Australia [3]

Hi Puja, here's another one from my end.

- The table graph shows the statistics gathered - statistics abouton children
- who are born by thewomen from 40 to 44 years old.

- significantly seen a downward
- who have hadof women who had one child

- The proportion ofW omen who have had - just one child was the lowest,
- while they who have had two children
- The percentage of amount of children
- who waswere born
- by womanwomen aged 40-44 years
- old was relatively identical relatively .
- in thewhen women
- who have had one or none child
- at all thatwereis at 8.7% to 11.3%
- in during athe century.

There you have it Puja, for future writing reference, mind the logic of your sentences, an example is when you mentioned "children born by women", but of course, only women can bear children isn't it. This kinds of sentences can affect the overall idea of your essay.

Writing Feedback / The number of elderly people in several different states in the United Kingdom between 1985 and 2035 [3]

Hi Adi, please find the corrections below and oh before I forget, for future writing reference, please post the chart as this is where we draw our observations and findings and also in order for us to present solid criticisms. Moving forward, I would like to share some modification that wil hopefully strengthen your analysis.

- W ales will behas the - highest country in percentage of population. - While, a small percentage will beis seen
- in the remaining figurecountries .

- between ( what ) and Scotland in - 1985 was is different.
- Firstly England displayed
- 15 percent of the population
- reveal risea significantlyrise .
- Actually, England's populationwill increase 7%, - at the same time,that Scotland
- obtains an upward trend at approximately
- 12% in the society ages 65 surviving .

There you have it Adi, I leave the last paragraph for you to practice editing yourself, this is a good way of looking and analyzing your work, this way you can compare how we work and how would you recommend us to better our proof reading and in giving reviews of your work.

Writing Feedback / I strongly advocate that it is more preferable for students to study together, instead of alone [3]

Hi Matt, please find my little help below.

- I strongly advocate that it is more preferable for students

- is attracted tointerest them.
- own studying group and

- students'( an apostrophe is not necessary in the word "students")
- to cooperatework with other students,
- to workdeal with others over time.
- of thea company
- more rapidly afteronce they get hired.
- For that reasonHaving said that ,

- I've come to the
- should know how towill gain knowledge

There you have it Matt, overall, there's not a lot to change or to modify in your essay, you have captured the essence of the essay and how to approach the task at hand, the above remarks are suggestions that will hopefully strengthen your essay.

Writing Feedback / Florida. Someone correct for me this paragraph, i want to know the mistakes i had made. [8]

Hi Achraf, it's very good to read words of appreciation once we log in to our EF accounts. There's nothing more than knowing that we are able to help and our suggestions are valuable and even more so, useful in your revision and in your future writing projects.

What I noticed in your essay is that, you have that idea in your head and somehow, this idea has not transpired in your essay or writing project, you see, writing is not as easy as what most people think it is, you really have to dedicate time, learn the different writing techniques and different approach to each task thrown at you.

Furthermore, for your future writing reference, make sure that you review the guidelines of English language writing, know how to answer the prompt and stick to the purpose of the project, sometimes, a writer is so immersed in his writing that they tend to go around the bush and this results to redundant ideas and words that is not only confusing but also not interesting to the readers. Moving forward, I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects very soon.

Writing Feedback / What shows statistics about people aged over 64 years old in the United Kingdom? [2]

Hi Puja, below are additional help from my end.

- The chart illustrates the proportion
- It comparesabout the percentage
- in the past (1985) and in the future (2035) inof
- Ireland and UK totally .

- Overall, the people aged 65 and
- over wasis predicted
- to go higher in 2035
- apply forapplies to all
- of parts of the UK and UK totally .
- for both in the past and in the future1985 towards 2035
- becausewith only around

There you have it Puja, the above suggestions are for the first 2 paragraphs of your analysis. Overall, you are able to provide the necessary information drawn from the chart, however, I'm not sure why you always incorporate the word "UK totally", this is absolutely not necessary and does not help your analysis too. I hope you follow through and may you also find our suggestions and insights are valuable to your revision.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay about how my master's degree would further my career [3]

HI Rdolfo, I would like to take on the first paragraph of your essay in order to help you out and enhance your application letter.

- would givewill provide me
- with a more in-depth understanding
- of theon economics
- ThisA strong foundation of - education, associatedcoupled with
- my previous work experiences
- would give mewill be necessary for the required - to become the strong professional
- I want to bein my field .
- would give me an importantthe needed - actuaries inof Brazil,
- as there are not a lot of postgraduates
- byin the industry in Australia,
- and further even more my career.

There you have it Rodolfo, I hope the modifications provided above are helpful and even more useful in your revision. For future writing reference, mind the correct format of your words, the logic is also necessary as well as the relevance of your essay to the purpose of your letter.

Do let us know what comes out of this application, we would love to hear from you.

Undergraduate / My Study Plan for Australia Student Visa [9]

Hi Lauren, well, you don't have to make or revise your answers to sound like a narrative but your connection to the answers that you have should have a connection not to the previous question but to yourself.

Please find additional help below;

3. Why choose Chatenburry technical institute
- I choose Chatenburr y technical - is a certainlycentrally located
- campus in theB risbane CBD
- equipment, and the courses are
- offered in accordance
- withto the requirement
- i wantof what I needed to learn.

4. why choose diploma of leadership and management
- the thing that i take is Leadership and management
- myself lacking thein advengeadvance knowledge
- ofin management,
- I want to improve my - management knowledgeskills
- and how to bein order to become a good and effectivea leader.

There you have it Lauren, I hope the additional modifications above guide you in achieving a well written answer to the questions above and I wish you all the best in your application.

Writing Feedback / Most people have been used to use those electronic gadgets to get in touch with their friends. Task2 [4]

HI Chen, as I read your essay, I must say that you are able to answer the prompt, you manage to showcase the importance of the electronic gadgets you mentioned in the essay, also you made sure to incorporate disadvantages of this technology and its effects on our daily life.

Please find additional corrections below;

- Most people have beenare used
- to use thoseusing electronic gadgets
- their friends;, family
- and even colleagues and clients in modern life .- this part of the sentences is not necessary as we have established the age of this essay which is the technologically advanced era of modern days

- been a vital
- tool to make
- people contact peoplemore easily. - Moreover, it might be said that technology makes life full of innovation and improve administer process.- I'm not sure what you really mean by this sentence but I believe this is what you mean - Moreover, technology provides us innovative solutions to better our daily lives.

- makes people have no real interactiondependent on machines and in the end they forget about human interaction .

There you have it Chen, I hope my insights help and also, mind the right punctuation mark that you include in your essay.

Undergraduate / My Study Plan for Australia Student Visa [9]

Hi Lauren, no worries at all, we are always here to help you out and we will strive to provide you the best and most comprehensive remarks we can provide.

There's also one practice that I always share here on EF, when you are proof reading your work, read it aloud and once you hear something off, this only means that you need to fix that particular sentence or phrase.

More importantly, make sure that you are able to express your ideas properly, this is very crucial, especially as you are dealing with formal essays or writing.

Furthermore, I believe that you have the right idea in your head, but I know you agree with me that, putting ideas into writing is not as easy as 1,2,3, it's a craft that needs time, a lot of polishing and a lot of thinking. Logic is also very crucial in writing so you to take note of how your sentences are progressing, from the introduction to the body of the essay down to the conclusion or your final paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: using disciplinary in school to solve problems. Teachers or parents responsibility ? [2]

HI Truong, I would like to share a few insights to enhance your essay.

- bullied unbelievably increased unbelievable - dramatically in compared to
- More and more modern school
- decided to use
- disciplinary measures to solve the
- problem withon student's attitude.
- childrens bad behavior
- isas teachers'( an apostrophe is not neccesarry in the word "teachers" )
- responsibility or their parents' role.

- UsingImposing punishments
- been a strictan intriguing question
- for both the education system
- and their parents.
- The repeated inrepetition of bad
- behavebehavior
- actions is what make they gets them punished.

There you have it Troung, indeed bullying is a very serious act of negative behavior and this should be stopped as soon as the parent or the teacher see it or observe it from the kids actions.

Overall, the essay is lacking the sense of completeness, the sentences are missing vital points such as the logic of the idea and the correct format of the words you use to initiate your ideas.

Scholarship / Helped a group of friends reach success [4]

Hi Juan, as I finish reading your essays, it brought me back to those days when I was also starting to gain friends, their trust and being able to move people towards a brighter perspective in life and to what the future holds.

I'm just puzzled though, because sometimes, you really have very good essays and sometimes, you just seem to write for the sake of writing and not really putting your heart to it. I have no doubts that you are able to write good- read essays and writing projects, however, in order for you to be consistent, form a habit of writing a well written essay all the time, this way, each and every submission will be a wonderful and worth - to - read essay.

Also, I notice that, as the prompt asks, you always go back to your roots in Bogota, Columbia, I must say, you are a patriotic person and this is a very good trait of a writer, you can always draw inspiration out of your love of learning and of the place where it all began, Bogota, Columbia. With your articles, I kind of wishing that one day, I will be able to visit your place and be able to experience that simple life you learn to grow up with and what inspired you to aspire greatness in life.

Moreover, this essay answered the prompt, you manage to develop an essay out of the idea you draw from where you came from.
Believe it or not, there's not much writer who can actually come up with a good essay out of hardships and simpleness in life, but I for one believe that, hardships will only make us strong and provide us that urge to keep fighting, keep dreaming and work towards the fulfillment of our dreams.

Undergraduate / A short essay about me for three or four days [7]

Hi Chougrani, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, as I always say, it feels good knowing that there are more and more people, students and writers alike who are coming to one place such as EF.

Now, as you are going through a process of mastering the language, below is little help from my end.

- it is not easy as I was thinkingthought ,
- but as we knewknow "the practices makes perfect".
- My name is Souhail, I haveam 24 years old
- and I am a future engineer
- ofin computer science .

- however it is ignored by thegouvernementgovernment .
- Here, people haveobserve a simple
- life style of life there is no stress or fear.

- I passedhad my best days in
- this city,here I have my famillefamily, my friends

- I remembreremember when my
- given me advice to become a good student .
- He bought to me candy whenever he can and
- I remembredcan still remember theI felt taste in my tongue.

There you have it, the above corrections are very intensive, as I would rate it, intensive because you still have a lot of things to learn and a lot of practices to do in order to get better at this craft. Also, in writing, it's not always, being creative, it's also the logic of the ideas and how it is being transpired or expressed in your essay. I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects soon.

Writing Feedback / Here's brief summary about me. I have lots of habits such as reading books, hang out with friends. [2]

Hi Vy, to tell you honestly, as I read your post, I thought it was a student talk thread, I thought it was something that you need advice of or guidance with, which actually turned out yes, you do need guidance in this particular post.

Moving forward, please find additional help below;

- I'm here, for ready to improve my writing skills
- and figure out where is my mistakes are .
- Here's brief summary about me.( brief - summary is synonymous to each other, therefore writing them side by side is redundant )

- I have lots ofOne of my habits arehabit such as
- reading booksand hang out with friends.
- Whereas the most things which part of my life and I love to do.That isHowever, studying english is one of the things I love to do and I enjoy the most .

- English is my cup of tea,myI am passionate about it ,
- isit's something that I
- havelove to study about and I work hard to achieve
- my objectionobjective .

- ToFor me,It is never easy,
- you need to be patient,discipline,
- The way you thoughtthinkis reallywill have a huge
- Belie ve me orit not thinking positive way is really helpful for all of us.

There you have it Vy, as you can see, there's a lot of corrections necessary to make your essay understandable and even meaningful to the readers. I understand that English is your cup of tea, however, as I review your essay, there's still a lot of practice needed for you to be able to express yourself in the English language, so keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The most important thing the government should do to improve health care is to clean the environment [3]

Hi Natasha, I would like to provide additional insights on the first two paragraphs of your essay.

- the top dreampriority of every individual.
- and advance in life .
- thethat the government

- The government should boosteducate the masses
- has a lot ofmany advantages
- These sorts of physical conditions are mighty powersource of defending
- everyday'sdaily intensive exercises.
- the people dowho does little or neverno exercise at all . - Considering huge benefits from regular workout
- it would be rather helpful insights in improving
- thepeople's health care.

There you have it Natasha, what I notice about your essay is the lack of link in the continuation of your idea, as I call it, the sentences are not complete without the help of minor details such as your, "from", "the", "it" and so on. This maybe minor but as mentioned this is very crucial in completing the idea of your sentences and the overall outcome of your essay.

Scholarship / I have to write a scholarship appeal due to not meeting a requirement. Editing and revisions needed [3]

Hi Jackson,being a scholarship holder is really a challenging path to take and even harder to keep.
Honestly, I tried to be one of your league but I failed to do so as it is quiet hard to get through and to maintain such excellent grades.

With this letter, I hope we will be able to help you get that scholarship back and become the best in your league,please find additional help below.

- inconveniences this has caused you.
- I am writing this appeal inwith the hopes
- that you'll reconsider your decision not toin renewing the
- I do tremendously thank those who providedyou for providing me

- I believe this decision was due for the most part, by takingto my actions on taking too many
- classes and being overwhelmed by the work load of taking 18 credits .
- and it was veryquiet difficult for me to stay caught up along with
- balancing work forand my other classes.

There you have it Jackson, as I read through the essay, to be honest, the reasons you point out are very essential in making it or keeping your grades in the scholarship level, believe it or not, this factors greatly affect not only scholars like you but also to normal students, but as they say, the show must go on and we just keep on moving.

Writing Feedback / Computer can easily do basic math. Should children spend their time to learn advanced calculations? [3]

Hi Jaff, indeed WELCOME to the forum, it's always good to welcome yet another member of this very valuable and credible forum.
Now, first impression to your essay, it's as though I am reading an essay that lacks a link to each and every idea that you are trying to convey to your readers. To elaborate this finding, please find the modifications below;

- This isIt's a fact that
- computers are more important
- for children now a daysnowadays ,
- mathematics onin the computers ,
- as they could be lazy and dependent on computerthis machines .
- mathematics on computer .
- they wants to improve basic of mathematics

- avoid to use computer at initial classes
- to utilize their brain to its maximum capability .
- However, to gain the latest knowledge
- or get updated information, they can use the computers .
- Mathematics is used for proper calculation,

There you have it Jaff, I hope I was able to show you the difference in completing the sentence with the minor details such as the linking verbs and choosing the right form of words to incorporate in your sentences.

Writing Feedback / The amount of hardness on television can be a worrying concern of people who care about children [2]

Hi Rahmi, here's additional help from my end.

- Television has a negative impact on childrens growth.
- The amount of hardnesslevel of harshness on television
- can be a worryingworrisome that cause concern of peoleto people .
- a worse effect to theits audiences.

- Everyone watches TV such as children and adults will beand we are influenced by
- its watchingwhat we watch .
- Some television channels show violent behaviorsportrayals on their
- TV program so thatand this influence many people
- tend to commit violence in the real life.
- For example, recently in Indonesia recently
- childrenoffenceoffensive actions committed by children have increased dramatically,
- children who do not have the limitations ofin mind
- and copy the behavior they see on the screen.
- As a result, they conduct on crimes accordedin accordance to the crimes
- to what they see.
- on the childrens future.

There you have it Rahmi, in this essay, I still find the same issues on the previous reviews I made in your writing.
For future writing reference, mind the words that you associate in your essay and make sure that the mean and they represent the idea that you are trying to convey in your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 The internet makes human lives more convenient [7]

Hi Lahfah, I would like to share a few insights to your IELTS practice.

- due towith the existence of
- that the advent of
- While the internet tend to makes people being lazy,
- human lives more enjoyable
- because the internet provides more information.

- internet,and makes us neverno need to read the book.
- What I grasped from that experience is that, I shoulddo not rely on the internet.
- to be lazierlazy if they usedit in the wrong way.

There you have it Lahfah, I hope the corrections above delivered the needed enhancements of your essay.
One thing that I would like you to focus on is your sentence construction, this is very crucial as this is the one that makes up the entire

essay. IELTS is not an easy task but it's definitely rewarding, this is a way to assure you that with the points you get, you know exactly where you are standing.

Writing Feedback / Cement making: limestone and clay are included in crusher and then pass through into three stages [4]

Hi Puja, I believe this will be my first time to review one of your essays, I hope the remarks below will be useful and valuable to your revision.

- are includedmixed in the crusher
- and then pass through into three stages
- so that, ready for use as a cement.
- To producingproduce concrete,

- In the beginningTo start with , limestone and
- clay are crushed till beingto become powder.
- Next, it is included in the mixer and
- passingtothrough a rotating heater for burning.
- Then, the product resulted from thesethis processes
- is grindedgroundeduntil beto become cement.
- The last step in these process is the cement is packed withpacking the cement in bags.

There you have it Puja, I hope you follow through with the corrections suggested above.

Undergraduate / Orient Career, The essay describe the orient career in short-term an in the long-term. [3]

Hi Minh, first of all in your title, it should be written;

- Orient Career, TheThis essay describesthe orient career inmy short-term an in the long-term career goals .

You see, from this title alone, there's a lot of modification to be done, I have no doubt that you know what you want to write, it's just somehow, you are not able to express this properly in your sentences.

To help you further, please find additional modifications below;

- My major is Foreign Trade;( this punctuation mark is not necessary )
- belonging to the Faculty of International Business.
- At school, I studied a lot of major subjects related
- By possessing responsibilityI am responsible, enthusiastic and a fast learner ,
- enthusiasm and fast-learning plusmy interest in international business
- is the path I want to pursue. ,
- I would like to take my career path in this field.( this phrase is not necessary )

There you have it Minh, I hope my initial remarks helped in the enhancement of your essay. As mentioned, I believe you have the idea in your head and somehow, practice will be your best weapon, also, you need to review on the language rules in order to come up with a stronger essay.

I will get back to you for the succeeding paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / 'Appearance is a liar'. SAT-Writing: Style versus substance. [3]

Hi Natasha, first of all, your essay is quiet long for what is asked of the prompt. You seemed to stretch your idea too far that it's already quiet redundant. This technique in writing can be used only if you are prompted to or you have word restrictions in the guidelines.

I also notice that your sentences are lacking the correct linking verb that is necessary to the completion of the idea in the sentence. Having said that, in your revision, mind the linking verbs you associate in your sentences, one of the practices I want to share is reading your sentences out loud, usually is something sounds off, that means you need to change something in the sentence construction.

Overall, the revision lies in the heart of the sentence construction, try to shorten the essay, eliminate unnecessary repetition of your ideas and just include the necessary ones.

Writing Feedback / HE USED HIS LEGS TO WRITE HIS OWN DESTINY [3]

Hi Mai, below are my contributions.

- Kai is the one I most admire the most. B, b ecause of his ability

- his both of his hands were
- Since all of the dD aily activities
- becameto him were very difficult
for him to do,
- schoolingstudying to him
- couldwill never come true.
- AtBy the time
- for himhe needs to go to school,
- there were no teachers who wanted

- that life thro w at him away .
- he first, he paired a piece
- on the ground the twenty-eight-letter alphabet on the ground .

There yo have it Mai, indeed, Kai's determination and perseverance to excel is a courageous act, an act that should be witnessed and emulated by everyone. Going back to your essay, I noticed that you are having difficulties in sentence construction, you tend to place words in the other side of where it's suppose to be. Practice just like Kai and be determined to better yourself in this craft and you will be the best.

Writing Feedback / I'm convinced that parents aren't the best teacher; they are less professional than qualified tutors [4]

Hi Puja, as I read the first paragraph of your essay, I immediately notice your difficulty in choosing the right form of tenses in your sentences, such as "when they was born', instead of "when they were born", I believe this is just a start of a whole lot of necessary modification in your essay. The god news is, we are here to help out, so please find my suggestions below.

- Children wereare taught by
- their parents when they was bornsince birth, they are their first teachers .
- The parentParents are the
- teachers who makehones
- While majority opine that the best teachers are our
- is parents.

The above is just an example of how you can still strengthen your essay. I hope you follow through, practice your language rules and follow them religiously when you are writing. I hope to review your final revision soon.

Writing Feedback / In the recent time, every business conducted by humans is easier because of technology. [3]

Hi Meireza, below are my suggestions with the focus on the last two paragraphs of the essay;

- Another reason is to give easinessease to
- When something happens in
- theother countries,
- people in different countriesthe other side of the world
- canwill know
- thatthe information inat the same time.
- For theAn example is google application.
- All of pP eople inall over the - can get all the information fast.

- To sum up, one of the causes is very - obvious, crimes isuse this as sophisticated tools.
- I more believe in advance
- devices it make your life easier
- and provide accessi ble information
- that the government
- the advancement of technology.

Meireza, as I write this corrections, I can't help but notice that you are still having a hard time expressing your thoughts, your sentences, the words you use to form them as well is either missing a part or just not the right word to follow your train of thought. Moreover, the above modifications should show you how to use the right linking verbs, the punctuation marks that you're not suppose to miss as well as the idea that you want to create in the essay that you are writing.

Writing Feedback / Florida. Someone correct for me this paragraph, i want to know the mistakes i had made. [8]

Hi Achraf, first of all you say, - Can someone help me correct the paragraphs below, I want to know where I made mistakes, thank you.

Instead of the one you wrote above, I know you agree that this is far better than the original one you wrote.

Now, going back to your essay, below is a little help.

-First, itIt has manya lot of places to see ,
- such as the seabeach ,
- a lot of people wentgoes to the
- A feature of tT he beach
- is that there arewhere magical things happen ,
- for instance,it's a gathering for food, music,
- and a lot of games made in the sand.
- Second, it hasFlorida holdsa big annual festival, - every year come lots, a lot of people
- around the world to attend thatthis big event. - Third,Furthermore, Florida has a
- Miami. Whichwhich has healthier weather,
- "it is not bad", also site among the seas.- I'm not sure what you want to say in this particular phrase

- All these things make Florida looks magical
- and be one of the most beautiful

There you it Achraf, as you can see there's a lot of confusing sentences in your essay, the good news is, there's nothing that you cannot learn.

Writing Feedback / How Do Movies Influence people's behavior [2]

Hi Levia, below are some corrections that will hopefully provide the needed modification for your essay.

First paragraph
- Since long time ago, TIts been a while since t elevisions have
- even nowadays,
- Televisions havehas a great impact
- us some knowledge,
- Televisionsshows also influence
- realize that televisionsthese shows affect
- ButHowever, believe it or not,
- There are many channels that display
- their in a good waysbehavior but some
- are in a bad ways.

There you have it Levia, as you can see, there's still a lot of ways to enhance and modify your essay, your initial sentence structure is quiet confusing. Also, avoid mentioning your subject, in this case, the television, over and over in a paragraph, once you have established the subject, you can already substitute it with "this", "that" and so on. Furthermore, the word Television, does not need to be written in a capital letter, write the first letter in caps, only if it it's the first word in the sentence.

Writing Feedback / The internet should be more tightly controlled by governments. Do you agree or disagree? [5]

Hi Le, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website to be helpful as well as valuable addition to your writing projects.

We strive to provide you with the most accurate and objective criticism for your essays and writing articles.

As I read along, I must say that your essay is written in a way that there is a contradicting idea that showcases the relevance to your topic. I say this because, most of the essays with contradicting ideas often go wrong and tend to shift ideas that greatly affects the essay, but yours is equipped with ideas that are geared towards the same goal and the same purpose.

Overall, I do agree that the interwebs, technology in general, has greatly dominated our lives, we work, we eat, we communicate, we breath clean air in a polluted city, all of this is with the help of technology, one way or the other and just like any other innovation, it has its must do and must not do, as the saying goes, think before you click and this is very true, for whatever is fed to the webs will remain searchable for forever.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Should students take out student loans to avoid working while studying. [3]

Hi Phoung, i have few additional insights that will hopefully help you in your revision and future articles.

First of all, you are able to provide examples that elaborately describes the ideas you are trying to impart to your readers, however, it's not written clearly, as the prompt asked, you should be able to make a very specific example as to why studentsshould take or not take students loans such as taking loans will become a burden in the future as students already have loans even if they're still not earning anything and if they don't take out student loan they will be forced to work, ask money from parents or apply for scholarships in order to get into college, this is the kind of example I am referring to.

Nexf, you clearly have an idea in your head on how to tackle this prompt, however, you used unconventional words to denote continuation of idea such as,"Be that as it may", which is not at all related nor relevant or even proper to the idea you are leading your easay to. I understand that you'd like you essay to be unique, catchy and full of adjectives, but you know what always works, to write simpler than the usual, keep it on a conversational level.

Lastly, be up to date when it comes to your writing, do a little research and take everyday happening into your writing, this will make more sense in the end.

I hope my insights are useful!

Scholarship / Statement of purpose for an internship research program in mechanical engineering [5]

Hi Timbo, as I read your SOP, I must say, physically its very long for an SOP, an SOP is a letter that highlights your academic journey, achievements and aspirations, it also contains a little bit of your personal background but the main focus is the answer to the question, Why do you choose this institution and course to pursue?, indeed you are able to answer this, however, you somehow elaborated a lot of unnecessary information that may not be useful for this part of the essay but may be very crucial information in the later stage of your application, as what everybody say, don't give it your all, leave something for surprise, this is true in writing too.

With regards to the italicized words, if you want to spit out and not include it in your SOP, why did you add it in the first place?, remember, this SOP is yours, it represents you, your ideologies an your personal beliefs that will be your guidelines and basis in achieving your goals, whether it be academic or as a person. A quote for you to live by, "If you don't believe in it, then don't", write what you think is helpful to your application and not something that you don't believe in.

Moreover, the conclusion of your SOP can take a little help, please find below;

- I am very excitedmotivated and determined to - internship inat xxx.
- I sincerely believe that I would beam an excellent studentaddition in your program,
- and I am preparedgeared to work and
- the highest standards that xxx is known for.

There you have it Timbo, I hope the above insights helped and should you need further assistance do let us know and we are here to help.

Undergraduate / Simple Life - Aeronautics and Astronautics Department UW COE Personal Statement [5]

Hi Josh, thank you for the appreciation. There's definitely nothing more valuable than logging in and reading words of thanks from the reviews that we provide to your projects.

As mentioned, there's very minor modifications towards your work, however, if you can eliminate them, it will be absolutely better. The thing is, to get better at this craft, time, dedication and the determination to excel is the key to create a well written essay or a project per say.

As you move along and write more projects, mind the following reminders;

- mind the logical placement of your words, this is quiet crucial as it affects the overall outcome of your essay.

- use the right words or group of words in your sentences, this will define the entire idea of the essay and will draw its fate

- complete the sentence by injecting your own opinion to the subject at hand, this will add personality to the essay

Lastly, make sure to develop a critique within you, this will not only help you create a better essay but more importantly, you will be able to see where you need enhancement and be able to correct it before passing it on to other people for additional valuable opinion.

Letters / The boy inside of me is a dreamer. Help him get to college essay. [5]

We are always happy to help Juan! Just make sure that when you do launch your GoFundMe.com link, you couple it with prayers, the genuine desire to attain academic excellence and more importantly, to better develop and hone yourself towards greater welfare.

Now, just a few reminders as you go along;

- review the language rules, subject verb agreement, those tenses the right form of the words, singular and plural forms and the minor details such us spacing and punctuation marks

- proof reading is also a good habit to form when you want to get a first hand criticism of your work, this way you will develop a third person to critique your work within yourself

- manage the length of the essays you write, sometimes, long essays does not mean they're worth a read

Finally, make sure that you are able to provide the answer and the purpose of your essay, this is the key to a successful article.

Keep writing and I hope to review more of your work soon.

Research Papers / Breaking the Perception of Pit Bulls [3]

Hi Lisa, indeed WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, it's always good to welcome yet another member of this absolutely educational website.

Now, as I read through the paper which I understand is a draft, I must say it is a researched that is done halfway, Im not sure if this is because this is just a draft or you haven't really figured out how to present your work. Indeed, a research paper should have the following points;

- the introduction, where you introduce the meaning, the purpose as well as the goal of the research

- the body, where you showcase different views, ideas and informations gathered through your research.

- the conclusion, where you summarize and conclude the findings of your research.

Last but definitely not the least, you own pint of view, showcasing your own opinion towards your idea of the subject at hand. Aside form this observations, I would also like to stress that as much informative as your research is, you also have to make mention of the works where you derive your findings, this is what you call citation, this is very crucial as it is the backbone of your paper. I hope to see the final structure of your work very soon.

Undergraduate / Simple Life - Aeronautics and Astronautics Department UW COE Personal Statement [5]

Hi Josh, as I read along, I must say that the essay needs a few modifications, however, I commend you for taking that extra step to express your interest in studying Aeronautics. I came from an aeronautics school and I must say, it is quiet challenging, you really have to have that passion, a firing desire to develop your knowledge in aeronautics and gain valuable insights from all sides of the industry, like any other field, learning aeronautics is definitely not limited to the four sides of the classroom.

Below are my suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay.

- Throughout my academic journey in my education ,
- to refine the importancelogic ofin my goals, - enabling me to keeping me growing and motivated .

- If there wasis a lesson
- in poverty it's that, sometimes
- the simpler ideas can yield

There you have it Josh, I hope this plight of yours will be fulfilled and I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors in life. The corrections I made above are very minor and I hope it's useful to your revision.

Letters / The boy inside of me is a dreamer. Help him get to college essay. [5]

Hi Juan, indeed without a fund, a healthy fund, you will not be able to proceed and push your limits. Thanks to the help of websites such as GoFundMe.com.

As hard as it is to secure a scholarship fund, it's almost as hard to get the attention of GoFunders in the website, I believe if the funders are able to feel you and believe in your genuine purpose they will not hesitate to fund you.

Overall, the essay is fairly written, quiet long, however, it served its purpose. The essay also showcased where you came from and your eagerness to pursue learning and be good at it. More than the diploma, to better yourself should be your main goal and eventually share your knowledge to others.

However, I have a few suggestions for your final paragraph.

- BecauseAs ( avoid starting your sentence with the word "because" )
- college's tuition.
- I cannot afford tuition.- this is a very negative connotation to express your current situation and it does not help your plight to get funded.

- If you would like toAny help is much appreciated , please click the "donate" link below.
- Any donation you can make, will be appreciated.
- I am determinedgeared for success, and
- I will not disappointmake use of the funds for greater welfare .

There you have it Juan, I will sure wait and pray that you will be able to publish your plight in the GoFundMe.com website and I hope you get funded.