Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 THE POSSIBLE CHANGE AMONG SOCIETIES DUE TO THE SOPHISTICATED COMMUNICATION TOOLS [3]

Hi Muhammad, below are additional modifications for your essay.

- towards their families.
- is one of the many proofsevidences
- occurring among todays societies
- due to such the sophisticated devices and this brings loss of intimacy between their families.

- as thea consequence
- of thethis development in communication
- and technology is that, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) more people
- with all futuresits features, it has
- like the ability to
- better to conductoperate compared to

There you have it Muhammad, just to add, indeed, the development of technology has been very rewarding to the masses, it's not only practical, it's also very economical and an efficient way to communicate and connect with love ones. On the other hand, disadvantages in using this technologies will rise when people are too dependent and will not seek any effort to meet and physically see their families or friends. Overall, a good balance is needed for technology to take effect in a positive way.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1 percentages of students' attendance in four different secondary school categories [3]

Hi Huang, its good to have yet another member of the Essay Forum Family. In this analysis, we would appreciate if you post the chart as well, as this is where we draw our observations and this will ensure or should I say assure you that our feedback is base on the chart or diagram provided.

Anyhow, please find my help below, this observations are base on the English language rules as the chart is not presented.

- overall, the essay is fairly written, it can be seen that you manage to use the right punctuation marks that is needed in the corresponding words in the sentences.

- usage of uniform symbols such as percentage and numbers are also observed all through out the analysis and this is also crucial in presenting information base on the given chart

Moreover, the analysis has a well rounded presentation that is hopefully depicted from the chart or the diagram. I hope this insights helped and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we are always here ready to lend a helping hand.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Modern technology in work place. Disadvantages to relying too much on technology? [5]

No worries at all Truong, we are here to support and guide you with your writing projects. One thing that I would also like to share is drafting, writing an essay as a draft but treating it as a final essay is a habit that will lead you to a smooth transition from a writer with a lot of doubts on your writing projects to a writer that takes charge of your articles.

Also, recording your work will enable you to see your progress, this is what all of us want, we want progress in all corners of our lives, whether it be writing or anything we do.

You don't have to worry about not being able to deliver as being a writer is a process, with determination, coupled with practice and a little guidance from your dedicated and hard working EF contributors, you will develop your writing skills and learn writing techniques in no time.

'till your next article, keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Technological dependence - Social Science final exam [3]

Hi Wendy, the moment I saw your essay, I completely agree that it is long for a final exam, not withstanding the fact that your task does not require such a lengthy essay.

Pretty much, the task or the prompt is asking you how dependent are we to technology and I know you will agree that if it was not an essay, this can be answered by, " we are very dependent to technology", then elaborate this answer to include facts, current events, work citations and other pertinent information that will be about more or less 3 paragraphs.

Overall, this essay is somehow full of redundant information, there are a lot of information that has been written in the body or the second part of the essay that was elaborated further in the succeeding paragraphs and this is not needed.

I hope to review the revision soon.

Writing Feedback / Some causes of adults to get education and comparison of courses costs - in the charts [3]

Hi Nora, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website truly helpful and valuable to your writing projects and accept our feedback as constructive criticism that will guide you in creating a stronger essay.

To start with, the task has strict word restrictions that you have to adhere to and as this is an analysis, you should also make sure that the chart os posted so that we can have a basis for our findings. Anyhow, I would like to share a few insights below;

- The bar chart displays somethe causes
- compares the costs of
- this coursesspent by them .

- clearly that the main reasons
- of thosethis people
- to attend school are interest in the subject
- fees expected by them areto be allocated
- to the individual.

There you have it Nora, I left the last two paragraphs for you to see the difference of the original analysis to that of the revised one above, mind your linking verbs and make sure to incorporate them in your sentences.

Scholarship / 'My sincere gratitude for awarding me the Legacy Scholarship'; How to Make My Appeal Letter Better? [3]

Hi Binyam, first of all, as this may be a draft, try to treat like a final essay or letter that is ready for submission, this way you will create that habit of writing a well written essay without even trying. Now, the letter should have paragraphs, in your revision, focus on the purpose of going back to school because you want to continue and pursue your education and not on the financial side that your family will gan once you get your financial aid or scholarship back.

One thing that I also notice in your letter is that, you tried to talk too much on the unnecessary information of your background, don't get me wrong, your family and financial background matters in this application as this shows the cause of why you got kicked off of the scholarship grantees, however, the letters focus is your academic agenda.

Furthermore, in your revision, mind the purpose or the goal of writing this letter, the goal is for you to get back on track and make sure that you can continue your education regardless of your financial status as well as family background may be.

I hope to review your revision soon.

Writing Feedback / Movies and TV have a cumulative impact by unconsciously shape people's insights and behaviors [3]

HI Phoenix, first of all, thank you adding this website as your credible source of feedback in your writing projects.
To start with the modifications, I must say that your approach on this TOEFL task is not at par with the standards of of TOEFL, don't get me wrong, I'm not an expert in TOEFL standards but what I know is enough to say that your work needs a lot of modifications. The good news is, everything can be learned and coupled with practice plus EF, you should be able to get better.

Also, please find a few corrections below;

- There isare more and
- moreever willing to
- pay for seeing movies.
- This enables most people
- shapeshaping people's insight
- To developfurther discuss my view,
- I will discusshighlight the
- negative impacts and the positive impacts
- whichthat cannot be overlooked.

I hope the above insights and modifications are useful.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Modern technology in work place. Disadvantages to relying too much on technology? [5]

Hi Truong, overall the essay has answered what is asked of the prompt, however, you are having a hard time expressing your ideas in the essay and it seemed as though your sentences doesn't match up or senseless.

To further elaborate my findings, please find the corrections below;

- The industrial revolution
- in industrial has led to the development
- of the governments and the people.
- computer usingknowledge from
- theits employees .

- yourour work is based
- examples:, Microsoft Word, Excel, - PreviouslyHowever, in the 80s,
- paperwork instantlyimmediately ,
- so that it was time-consuming
- and it was easy to make
- the program designed tools,
- specific to its purpose,
- yettherefore, people nowadays

There you have it Troung, as you can see there is quiet a lot of work in this essay and I hope you follow through. As mentioned, focus on the sentence construction, make sure that they are complete and has the substance of what you want to impart to your readers.

Writing Feedback / Learning foreign language as early as possible for children future - ielts Task 2 Writing [3]

Hi Yon, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I am happy to WELCOME yet another member of this fantastic and helpful website. I have been a member for over a year now and believe it or not, I learn everyday in this website more than I ever learned in the four corners of my classroom.

Now, going back to your essay, I must say that you have nailed the necessary process of creating a well written essay, the introduction, the body of the essay and the final paragraph. However, the last two paragraphs can be summarized as one in order for you to be able to cut back on the length of the essay without compromising the right idea that needs to be included in the essay.

I would also like to note that I agree on the idea of having the children learn a second or foreign language early on, this will not only help them later on in life but it will open their little minds to other culture, as they say, learning others culture does not necessarily mean that you have to go and travel, you can learn it as well through studying their language.

I wish to review more of your essays and writing projects soon.

Writing Feedback / The Process of Produce Cement and Concentrate [3]

Hi Puja, thank you for making sure that you have included the diagram in your analysis. Below are my observations.

- aboutthe process of - in the crusher
- and then pass through into three
- stages so thatin order to be ready for
- use as a cement.
- To producing aproduce concrete,
- water and gravel .

- until beingto become powder.
- Next, it is included in a mixer
- and passingpass through to a rotating heater
- product resultedof the product ,
- is grindedgrounded until be cement.
- is thewhen the cement is packed
- within the bags.

There you have it Puja, I hope the corrections above are helpful in your revision and I'm happy that I'm able to see progress in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Football World Cup and other sports allows people to release their patriotic emotions in a safe way. [3]

Hi Maxim, below are additional help that will hopefully enhance your essay. I will focus on the first 2 paragraphs of the essay.

- Popular activities like the football
- in easingcoping with ( I believe this is a more appropriate word ) international
- askingverifying if the international

- On the oneother hand,
- a particularunique atmosphere
- with participation ofcheering for their
- It should not gogoes unspoken

There you have it Maxim, I agree with you that international sporting events should actually be marketed properly to people all over the world, it's one of the safest way to shout out your support to your country, express patriotism and let people know that you are one with the many people who love your country.

Moreover, your essay is fairly written, I must say the choices of your words can still be polished and I hope I was able to help.

Letters / My dearest brother, you are the best. No one can like you that is very good person. [4]

Hi Misaki, below are my thoughts on your essay.

To my dearest brother,
- Thank you so much!( this punctuation mark is not necessary )
- you must appear in my mindare always there for me ) .
- Your voice is like sugar
- give towho gives me
- I havecan not
- encourage or imageimagine
- what will happen
- if without you in my life.
- What make us be friend? What's word can impress our relationship?(this sentences are not necessary )
- a new oneperson .
- Why you treat me like a treasure baby?I know - o ne day is leaving dayyou will leave and, iI think
- i mustI will miss you so much.
- Anyway iYou are a blessing you forever.

There you have it Misaki, I hope the corrections above helped you see the difference in your essays and please practice the language more often as this is the only way to improve your writng as well as familiarity to the language.

Undergraduate / A short essay about me for three or four days [7]

Hi Chougrani, it's always a pleasure to provide you with the most accurate and objective modifications for your writing project. I believe you have to work on the following;

- the details of the ideas you want to present to your readers, this is very essential in order to create that complete sense in your sentences.

- know your target or goal, this is usually drawn from the topic or the task provided, pretty much your prompt or the prompt provided to you

- logical sequence, make sure that each and every sentence or paragraph is drawn from the previous idea that you have in order to create a smooth transition of ideas.

Furthermore, learn how to proof read and critique your own wok, this will let you see how well you progressed and with our expertise you will know which areas you still need to develop.

Writing Feedback / Comparison of children born by women in age from 40 to 44 in Australia [3]

Hi Puja, here's another one from my end.

- The table graph shows the statistics gathered - statistics abouton children
- who are born by thewomen from 40 to 44 years old.

- significantly seen a downward
- who have hadof women who had one child

- The proportion ofW omen who have had - just one child was the lowest,
- while they who have had two children
- The percentage of amount of children
- who waswere born
- by womanwomen aged 40-44 years
- old was relatively identical relatively .
- in thewhen women
- who have had one or none child
- at all thatwereis at 8.7% to 11.3%
- in during athe century.

There you have it Puja, for future writing reference, mind the logic of your sentences, an example is when you mentioned "children born by women", but of course, only women can bear children isn't it. This kinds of sentences can affect the overall idea of your essay.

Writing Feedback / The number of elderly people in several different states in the United Kingdom between 1985 and 2035 [3]

Hi Adi, please find the corrections below and oh before I forget, for future writing reference, please post the chart as this is where we draw our observations and findings and also in order for us to present solid criticisms. Moving forward, I would like to share some modification that wil hopefully strengthen your analysis.

- W ales will behas the - highest country in percentage of population. - While, a small percentage will beis seen
- in the remaining figurecountries .

- between ( what ) and Scotland in - 1985 was is different.
- Firstly England displayed
- 15 percent of the population
- reveal risea significantlyrise .
- Actually, England's populationwill increase 7%, - at the same time,that Scotland
- obtains an upward trend at approximately
- 12% in the society ages 65 surviving .

There you have it Adi, I leave the last paragraph for you to practice editing yourself, this is a good way of looking and analyzing your work, this way you can compare how we work and how would you recommend us to better our proof reading and in giving reviews of your work.

Writing Feedback / I strongly advocate that it is more preferable for students to study together, instead of alone [3]

Hi Matt, please find my little help below.

- I strongly advocate that it is more preferable for students

- is attracted tointerest them.
- own studying group and

- students'( an apostrophe is not necessary in the word "students")
- to cooperatework with other students,
- to workdeal with others over time.
- of thea company
- more rapidly afteronce they get hired.
- For that reasonHaving said that ,

- I've come to the
- should know how towill gain knowledge

There you have it Matt, overall, there's not a lot to change or to modify in your essay, you have captured the essence of the essay and how to approach the task at hand, the above remarks are suggestions that will hopefully strengthen your essay.

Writing Feedback / Florida. Someone correct for me this paragraph, i want to know the mistakes i had made. [8]

Hi Achraf, it's very good to read words of appreciation once we log in to our EF accounts. There's nothing more than knowing that we are able to help and our suggestions are valuable and even more so, useful in your revision and in your future writing projects.

What I noticed in your essay is that, you have that idea in your head and somehow, this idea has not transpired in your essay or writing project, you see, writing is not as easy as what most people think it is, you really have to dedicate time, learn the different writing techniques and different approach to each task thrown at you.

Furthermore, for your future writing reference, make sure that you review the guidelines of English language writing, know how to answer the prompt and stick to the purpose of the project, sometimes, a writer is so immersed in his writing that they tend to go around the bush and this results to redundant ideas and words that is not only confusing but also not interesting to the readers. Moving forward, I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects very soon.

Writing Feedback / What shows statistics about people aged over 64 years old in the United Kingdom? [2]

Hi Puja, below are additional help from my end.

- The chart illustrates the proportion
- It comparesabout the percentage
- in the past (1985) and in the future (2035) inof
- Ireland and UK totally .

- Overall, the people aged 65 and
- over wasis predicted
- to go higher in 2035
- apply forapplies to all
- of parts of the UK and UK totally .
- for both in the past and in the future1985 towards 2035
- becausewith only around

There you have it Puja, the above suggestions are for the first 2 paragraphs of your analysis. Overall, you are able to provide the necessary information drawn from the chart, however, I'm not sure why you always incorporate the word "UK totally", this is absolutely not necessary and does not help your analysis too. I hope you follow through and may you also find our suggestions and insights are valuable to your revision.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay about how my master's degree would further my career [3]

HI Rdolfo, I would like to take on the first paragraph of your essay in order to help you out and enhance your application letter.

- would givewill provide me
- with a more in-depth understanding
- of theon economics
- ThisA strong foundation of - education, associatedcoupled with
- my previous work experiences
- would give mewill be necessary for the required - to become the strong professional
- I want to bein my field .
- would give me an importantthe needed - actuaries inof Brazil,
- as there are not a lot of postgraduates
- byin the industry in Australia,
- and further even more my career.

There you have it Rodolfo, I hope the modifications provided above are helpful and even more useful in your revision. For future writing reference, mind the correct format of your words, the logic is also necessary as well as the relevance of your essay to the purpose of your letter.

Do let us know what comes out of this application, we would love to hear from you.

Undergraduate / My Study Plan for Australia Student Visa [9]

Hi Lauren, well, you don't have to make or revise your answers to sound like a narrative but your connection to the answers that you have should have a connection not to the previous question but to yourself.

Please find additional help below;

3. Why choose Chatenburry technical institute
- I choose Chatenburr y technical - is a certainlycentrally located
- campus in theB risbane CBD
- equipment, and the courses are
- offered in accordance
- withto the requirement
- i wantof what I needed to learn.

4. why choose diploma of leadership and management
- the thing that i take is Leadership and management
- myself lacking thein advengeadvance knowledge
- ofin management,
- I want to improve my - management knowledgeskills
- and how to bein order to become a good and effectivea leader.

There you have it Lauren, I hope the additional modifications above guide you in achieving a well written answer to the questions above and I wish you all the best in your application.

Writing Feedback / Most people have been used to use those electronic gadgets to get in touch with their friends. Task2 [4]

HI Chen, as I read your essay, I must say that you are able to answer the prompt, you manage to showcase the importance of the electronic gadgets you mentioned in the essay, also you made sure to incorporate disadvantages of this technology and its effects on our daily life.

Please find additional corrections below;

- Most people have beenare used
- to use thoseusing electronic gadgets
- their friends;, family
- and even colleagues and clients in modern life .- this part of the sentences is not necessary as we have established the age of this essay which is the technologically advanced era of modern days

- been a vital
- tool to make
- people contact peoplemore easily. - Moreover, it might be said that technology makes life full of innovation and improve administer process.- I'm not sure what you really mean by this sentence but I believe this is what you mean - Moreover, technology provides us innovative solutions to better our daily lives.

- makes people have no real interactiondependent on machines and in the end they forget about human interaction .

There you have it Chen, I hope my insights help and also, mind the right punctuation mark that you include in your essay.

Undergraduate / My Study Plan for Australia Student Visa [9]

Hi Lauren, no worries at all, we are always here to help you out and we will strive to provide you the best and most comprehensive remarks we can provide.

There's also one practice that I always share here on EF, when you are proof reading your work, read it aloud and once you hear something off, this only means that you need to fix that particular sentence or phrase.

More importantly, make sure that you are able to express your ideas properly, this is very crucial, especially as you are dealing with formal essays or writing.

Furthermore, I believe that you have the right idea in your head, but I know you agree with me that, putting ideas into writing is not as easy as 1,2,3, it's a craft that needs time, a lot of polishing and a lot of thinking. Logic is also very crucial in writing so you to take note of how your sentences are progressing, from the introduction to the body of the essay down to the conclusion or your final paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: using disciplinary in school to solve problems. Teachers or parents responsibility ? [2]

HI Truong, I would like to share a few insights to enhance your essay.

- bullied unbelievably increased unbelievable - dramatically in compared to
- More and more modern school
- decided to use
- disciplinary measures to solve the
- problem withon student's attitude.
- childrens bad behavior
- isas teachers'( an apostrophe is not neccesarry in the word "teachers" )
- responsibility or their parents' role.

- UsingImposing punishments
- been a strictan intriguing question
- for both the education system
- and their parents.
- The repeated inrepetition of bad
- behavebehavior
- actions is what make they gets them punished.

There you have it Troung, indeed bullying is a very serious act of negative behavior and this should be stopped as soon as the parent or the teacher see it or observe it from the kids actions.

Overall, the essay is lacking the sense of completeness, the sentences are missing vital points such as the logic of the idea and the correct format of the words you use to initiate your ideas.

Scholarship / Helped a group of friends reach success [4]

Hi Juan, as I finish reading your essays, it brought me back to those days when I was also starting to gain friends, their trust and being able to move people towards a brighter perspective in life and to what the future holds.

I'm just puzzled though, because sometimes, you really have very good essays and sometimes, you just seem to write for the sake of writing and not really putting your heart to it. I have no doubts that you are able to write good- read essays and writing projects, however, in order for you to be consistent, form a habit of writing a well written essay all the time, this way, each and every submission will be a wonderful and worth - to - read essay.

Also, I notice that, as the prompt asks, you always go back to your roots in Bogota, Columbia, I must say, you are a patriotic person and this is a very good trait of a writer, you can always draw inspiration out of your love of learning and of the place where it all began, Bogota, Columbia. With your articles, I kind of wishing that one day, I will be able to visit your place and be able to experience that simple life you learn to grow up with and what inspired you to aspire greatness in life.

Moreover, this essay answered the prompt, you manage to develop an essay out of the idea you draw from where you came from.
Believe it or not, there's not much writer who can actually come up with a good essay out of hardships and simpleness in life, but I for one believe that, hardships will only make us strong and provide us that urge to keep fighting, keep dreaming and work towards the fulfillment of our dreams.

Undergraduate / A short essay about me for three or four days [7]

Hi Chougrani, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, as I always say, it feels good knowing that there are more and more people, students and writers alike who are coming to one place such as EF.

Now, as you are going through a process of mastering the language, below is little help from my end.

- it is not easy as I was thinkingthought ,
- but as we knewknow "the practices makes perfect".
- My name is Souhail, I haveam 24 years old
- and I am a future engineer
- ofin computer science .

- however it is ignored by thegouvernementgovernment .
- Here, people haveobserve a simple
- life style of life there is no stress or fear.

- I passedhad my best days in
- this city,here I have my famillefamily, my friends

- I remembreremember when my
- given me advice to become a good student .
- He bought to me candy whenever he can and
- I remembredcan still remember theI felt taste in my tongue.

There you have it, the above corrections are very intensive, as I would rate it, intensive because you still have a lot of things to learn and a lot of practices to do in order to get better at this craft. Also, in writing, it's not always, being creative, it's also the logic of the ideas and how it is being transpired or expressed in your essay. I hope to review more of your essays and writing projects soon.

Writing Feedback / Here's brief summary about me. I have lots of habits such as reading books, hang out with friends. [2]

Hi Vy, to tell you honestly, as I read your post, I thought it was a student talk thread, I thought it was something that you need advice of or guidance with, which actually turned out yes, you do need guidance in this particular post.

Moving forward, please find additional help below;

- I'm here, for ready to improve my writing skills
- and figure out where is my mistakes are .
- Here's brief summary about me.( brief - summary is synonymous to each other, therefore writing them side by side is redundant )

- I have lots ofOne of my habits arehabit such as
- reading booksand hang out with friends.
- Whereas the most things which part of my life and I love to do.That isHowever, studying english is one of the things I love to do and I enjoy the most .

- English is my cup of tea,myI am passionate about it ,
- isit's something that I
- havelove to study about and I work hard to achieve
- my objectionobjective .

- ToFor me,It is never easy,
- you need to be patient,discipline,
- The way you thoughtthinkis reallywill have a huge
- Belie ve me orit not thinking positive way is really helpful for all of us.

There you have it Vy, as you can see, there's a lot of corrections necessary to make your essay understandable and even meaningful to the readers. I understand that English is your cup of tea, however, as I review your essay, there's still a lot of practice needed for you to be able to express yourself in the English language, so keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The most important thing the government should do to improve health care is to clean the environment [3]

Hi Natasha, I would like to provide additional insights on the first two paragraphs of your essay.

- the top dreampriority of every individual.
- and advance in life .
- thethat the government

- The government should boosteducate the masses
- has a lot ofmany advantages
- These sorts of physical conditions are mighty powersource of defending
- everyday'sdaily intensive exercises.
- the people dowho does little or neverno exercise at all . - Considering huge benefits from regular workout
- it would be rather helpful insights in improving
- thepeople's health care.

There you have it Natasha, what I notice about your essay is the lack of link in the continuation of your idea, as I call it, the sentences are not complete without the help of minor details such as your, "from", "the", "it" and so on. This maybe minor but as mentioned this is very crucial in completing the idea of your sentences and the overall outcome of your essay.

Scholarship / I have to write a scholarship appeal due to not meeting a requirement. Editing and revisions needed [3]

Hi Jackson,being a scholarship holder is really a challenging path to take and even harder to keep.
Honestly, I tried to be one of your league but I failed to do so as it is quiet hard to get through and to maintain such excellent grades.

With this letter, I hope we will be able to help you get that scholarship back and become the best in your league,please find additional help below.

- inconveniences this has caused you.
- I am writing this appeal inwith the hopes
- that you'll reconsider your decision not toin renewing the
- I do tremendously thank those who providedyou for providing me

- I believe this decision was due for the most part, by takingto my actions on taking too many
- classes and being overwhelmed by the work load of taking 18 credits .
- and it was veryquiet difficult for me to stay caught up along with
- balancing work forand my other classes.

There you have it Jackson, as I read through the essay, to be honest, the reasons you point out are very essential in making it or keeping your grades in the scholarship level, believe it or not, this factors greatly affect not only scholars like you but also to normal students, but as they say, the show must go on and we just keep on moving.

Writing Feedback / Computer can easily do basic math. Should children spend their time to learn advanced calculations? [3]

Hi Jaff, indeed WELCOME to the forum, it's always good to welcome yet another member of this very valuable and credible forum.
Now, first impression to your essay, it's as though I am reading an essay that lacks a link to each and every idea that you are trying to convey to your readers. To elaborate this finding, please find the modifications below;

- This isIt's a fact that
- computers are more important
- for children now a daysnowadays ,
- mathematics onin the computers ,
- as they could be lazy and dependent on computerthis machines .
- mathematics on computer .
- they wants to improve basic of mathematics

- avoid to use computer at initial classes
- to utilize their brain to its maximum capability .
- However, to gain the latest knowledge
- or get updated information, they can use the computers .
- Mathematics is used for proper calculation,

There you have it Jaff, I hope I was able to show you the difference in completing the sentence with the minor details such as the linking verbs and choosing the right form of words to incorporate in your sentences.

Writing Feedback / The amount of hardness on television can be a worrying concern of people who care about children [2]

Hi Rahmi, here's additional help from my end.

- Television has a negative impact on childrens growth.
- The amount of hardnesslevel of harshness on television
- can be a worryingworrisome that cause concern of peoleto people .
- a worse effect to theits audiences.

- Everyone watches TV such as children and adults will beand we are influenced by
- its watchingwhat we watch .
- Some television channels show violent behaviorsportrayals on their
- TV program so thatand this influence many people
- tend to commit violence in the real life.
- For example, recently in Indonesia recently
- childrenoffenceoffensive actions committed by children have increased dramatically,
- children who do not have the limitations ofin mind
- and copy the behavior they see on the screen.
- As a result, they conduct on crimes accordedin accordance to the crimes
- to what they see.
- on the childrens future.

There you have it Rahmi, in this essay, I still find the same issues on the previous reviews I made in your writing.
For future writing reference, mind the words that you associate in your essay and make sure that the mean and they represent the idea that you are trying to convey in your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 The internet makes human lives more convenient [7]

Hi Lahfah, I would like to share a few insights to your IELTS practice.

- due towith the existence of
- that the advent of
- While the internet tend to makes people being lazy,
- human lives more enjoyable
- because the internet provides more information.

- internet,and makes us neverno need to read the book.
- What I grasped from that experience is that, I shoulddo not rely on the internet.
- to be lazierlazy if they usedit in the wrong way.

There you have it Lahfah, I hope the corrections above delivered the needed enhancements of your essay.
One thing that I would like you to focus on is your sentence construction, this is very crucial as this is the one that makes up the entire

essay. IELTS is not an easy task but it's definitely rewarding, this is a way to assure you that with the points you get, you know exactly where you are standing.

Writing Feedback / Cement making: limestone and clay are included in crusher and then pass through into three stages [4]

Hi Puja, I believe this will be my first time to review one of your essays, I hope the remarks below will be useful and valuable to your revision.

- are includedmixed in the crusher
- and then pass through into three stages
- so that, ready for use as a cement.
- To producingproduce concrete,

- In the beginningTo start with , limestone and
- clay are crushed till beingto become powder.
- Next, it is included in the mixer and
- passingtothrough a rotating heater for burning.
- Then, the product resulted from thesethis processes
- is grindedgroundeduntil beto become cement.
- The last step in these process is the cement is packed withpacking the cement in bags.

There you have it Puja, I hope you follow through with the corrections suggested above.

Undergraduate / Orient Career, The essay describe the orient career in short-term an in the long-term. [3]

Hi Minh, first of all in your title, it should be written;

- Orient Career, TheThis essay describesthe orient career inmy short-term an in the long-term career goals .

You see, from this title alone, there's a lot of modification to be done, I have no doubt that you know what you want to write, it's just somehow, you are not able to express this properly in your sentences.

To help you further, please find additional modifications below;

- My major is Foreign Trade;( this punctuation mark is not necessary )
- belonging to the Faculty of International Business.
- At school, I studied a lot of major subjects related
- By possessing responsibilityI am responsible, enthusiastic and a fast learner ,
- enthusiasm and fast-learning plusmy interest in international business
- is the path I want to pursue. ,
- I would like to take my career path in this field.( this phrase is not necessary )

There you have it Minh, I hope my initial remarks helped in the enhancement of your essay. As mentioned, I believe you have the idea in your head and somehow, practice will be your best weapon, also, you need to review on the language rules in order to come up with a stronger essay.

I will get back to you for the succeeding paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / 'Appearance is a liar'. SAT-Writing: Style versus substance. [3]

Hi Natasha, first of all, your essay is quiet long for what is asked of the prompt. You seemed to stretch your idea too far that it's already quiet redundant. This technique in writing can be used only if you are prompted to or you have word restrictions in the guidelines.

I also notice that your sentences are lacking the correct linking verb that is necessary to the completion of the idea in the sentence. Having said that, in your revision, mind the linking verbs you associate in your sentences, one of the practices I want to share is reading your sentences out loud, usually is something sounds off, that means you need to change something in the sentence construction.

Overall, the revision lies in the heart of the sentence construction, try to shorten the essay, eliminate unnecessary repetition of your ideas and just include the necessary ones.

Writing Feedback / HE USED HIS LEGS TO WRITE HIS OWN DESTINY [3]

Hi Mai, below are my contributions.

- Kai is the one I most admire the most. B, b ecause of his ability

- his both of his hands were
- Since all of the dD aily activities
- becameto him were very difficult
for him to do,
- schoolingstudying to him
- couldwill never come true.
- AtBy the time
- for himhe needs to go to school,
- there were no teachers who wanted

- that life thro w at him away .
- he first, he paired a piece
- on the ground the twenty-eight-letter alphabet on the ground .

There yo have it Mai, indeed, Kai's determination and perseverance to excel is a courageous act, an act that should be witnessed and emulated by everyone. Going back to your essay, I noticed that you are having difficulties in sentence construction, you tend to place words in the other side of where it's suppose to be. Practice just like Kai and be determined to better yourself in this craft and you will be the best.

Writing Feedback / I'm convinced that parents aren't the best teacher; they are less professional than qualified tutors [4]

Hi Puja, as I read the first paragraph of your essay, I immediately notice your difficulty in choosing the right form of tenses in your sentences, such as "when they was born', instead of "when they were born", I believe this is just a start of a whole lot of necessary modification in your essay. The god news is, we are here to help out, so please find my suggestions below.

- Children wereare taught by
- their parents when they was bornsince birth, they are their first teachers .
- The parentParents are the
- teachers who makehones
- While majority opine that the best teachers are our
- is parents.

The above is just an example of how you can still strengthen your essay. I hope you follow through, practice your language rules and follow them religiously when you are writing. I hope to review your final revision soon.

Writing Feedback / In the recent time, every business conducted by humans is easier because of technology. [3]

Hi Meireza, below are my suggestions with the focus on the last two paragraphs of the essay;

- Another reason is to give easinessease to
- When something happens in
- theother countries,
- people in different countriesthe other side of the world
- canwill know
- thatthe information inat the same time.
- For theAn example is google application.
- All of pP eople inall over the - can get all the information fast.

- To sum up, one of the causes is very - obvious, crimes isuse this as sophisticated tools.
- I more believe in advance
- devices it make your life easier
- and provide accessi ble information
- that the government
- the advancement of technology.

Meireza, as I write this corrections, I can't help but notice that you are still having a hard time expressing your thoughts, your sentences, the words you use to form them as well is either missing a part or just not the right word to follow your train of thought. Moreover, the above modifications should show you how to use the right linking verbs, the punctuation marks that you're not suppose to miss as well as the idea that you want to create in the essay that you are writing.

Writing Feedback / Florida. Someone correct for me this paragraph, i want to know the mistakes i had made. [8]

Hi Achraf, first of all you say, - Can someone help me correct the paragraphs below, I want to know where I made mistakes, thank you.

Instead of the one you wrote above, I know you agree that this is far better than the original one you wrote.

Now, going back to your essay, below is a little help.

-First, itIt has manya lot of places to see ,
- such as the seabeach ,
- a lot of people wentgoes to the
- A feature of tT he beach
- is that there arewhere magical things happen ,
- for instance,it's a gathering for food, music,
- and a lot of games made in the sand.
- Second, it hasFlorida holdsa big annual festival, - every year come lots, a lot of people
- around the world to attend thatthis big event. - Third,Furthermore, Florida has a
- Miami. Whichwhich has healthier weather,
- "it is not bad", also site among the seas.- I'm not sure what you want to say in this particular phrase

- All these things make Florida looks magical
- and be one of the most beautiful

There you it Achraf, as you can see there's a lot of confusing sentences in your essay, the good news is, there's nothing that you cannot learn.

Writing Feedback / How Do Movies Influence people's behavior [2]

Hi Levia, below are some corrections that will hopefully provide the needed modification for your essay.

First paragraph
- Since long time ago, TIts been a while since t elevisions have
- even nowadays,
- Televisions havehas a great impact
- us some knowledge,
- Televisionsshows also influence
- realize that televisionsthese shows affect
- ButHowever, believe it or not,
- There are many channels that display
- their in a good waysbehavior but some
- are in a bad ways.

There you have it Levia, as you can see, there's still a lot of ways to enhance and modify your essay, your initial sentence structure is quiet confusing. Also, avoid mentioning your subject, in this case, the television, over and over in a paragraph, once you have established the subject, you can already substitute it with "this", "that" and so on. Furthermore, the word Television, does not need to be written in a capital letter, write the first letter in caps, only if it it's the first word in the sentence.

Writing Feedback / The internet should be more tightly controlled by governments. Do you agree or disagree? [5]

Hi Le, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website to be helpful as well as valuable addition to your writing projects.

We strive to provide you with the most accurate and objective criticism for your essays and writing articles.

As I read along, I must say that your essay is written in a way that there is a contradicting idea that showcases the relevance to your topic. I say this because, most of the essays with contradicting ideas often go wrong and tend to shift ideas that greatly affects the essay, but yours is equipped with ideas that are geared towards the same goal and the same purpose.

Overall, I do agree that the interwebs, technology in general, has greatly dominated our lives, we work, we eat, we communicate, we breath clean air in a polluted city, all of this is with the help of technology, one way or the other and just like any other innovation, it has its must do and must not do, as the saying goes, think before you click and this is very true, for whatever is fed to the webs will remain searchable for forever.