Writing Feedback / The proportion of education level among women in 1945 - 1995 [3]

Nurul, seems to me that you had many writing projects yesterday. That is okay, as long as you keep giving your contribution by conveying meaningful feedback to others, not just one sentence feedback, this will be considered as meaningless feedback. However, concerning your essay. This essay mostly had the same issue as your previous essays, and therefore I did some corrections and feedback to improve your writing skill. You can check the descriptions below:

- ...regions inbetween 1945 and 1995, a half century period.(shouldn't be placed here)
- Overall, it can be seen that, while a significant rise saw by women who schooled at the first degree level, those who were not educated and finished until the third grade saw a downward trend over a half century period.

- ...the minority in 1945, just under 5%, and suddenly (you can choose, either using comma before 'and' or omit all commas in this selected part)
- ...and suddenly increaseincreased to...
- ...for either the percentage of women no schooling andor the third grade, from 35%... (either...or...)
- dissapear = disappear(spelling error)

As you can see, spelling mistake were persisted, this is dangerous. Even though it didn't reduce communication, I still suggest you to avoid making this kind of mistake. Keep practicing and mind the corrections that I have given to you. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / Four different vehicles popularity and several reasons why people travel by car in the Edmonton city [3]

Nurul, I would like to try to assess your essay based on IELTS writing task 1 public band descriptors.

Task Response:
- You were able to generally address the task, but the format was inappropriate in places. Key features and bullet points were not adequately covered.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- Unfortunately, some cohesive devices appeared to be inaccurate, such as 'what is more?', should be 'what is more,', 'a closer look of the data reveals that', should use comma, and 'it can be seen that' that should use comma.

Lexical Resource:
- Your range of vocabulary were still limited. You need to practice more on this one. Some of your words were frequently repetitive, for instance, proportion = three times, using car = three times. In addition, I notice that there were no efforts seen to use some less common vocabularies.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- I notice your attempt to create complex sentences, but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences. It is dangerous if you keep doing this. So, my suggestion is that you need to make a sentence pattern that you are sure 100% correct. It is okay for a practice, but it is better to do a proof read and re-check again before posting it here.

There you are Nurul, there are still many things that you should develop. Do not hesitate to ask some questions relating to my feedback above.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / The monthly expenditure numbers among Australian households in dollars per month [3]

Nurul, I would like to focus on grammatical range and accuracy scoring aspect in IELTS writing task 1. You can notice some corrections and feedback below:

- Overall, it is noticeable that the... (cohesive devices / transitional signals are essentially needed to address the reader to the right meaning)
- ...types of requirements, (comma needed) while the figure...
- ...and predominatedwhich dominated other necessities throughout the period.
- ...slightly andjust over at 160, at approximately 5-dollar rise in ten years.
- ...and rose to 100 afterin the following years.
- ...75 to 120 at the end of the period.
- There was a sharp fall in the requirement forof clothing, beginning the periodwhich started at 30 and thenfallfell to 20...
- ...decrease, romfrom 70 to 45 at the...

There you are Nurul, I hope my feedback and insights towards your writing can be fruitful in enhancing your writing skill. Good Luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - The Comparison of Montly Expenditures in Australia between 1991 and 2001 [4]

Febriyani, I would like to focus on your introduction paragraph, since this is the most essential part of IELTS task 1 writing. Despite some grammatical errors which I explained below, you accidentally wrote 'too details' overview sentence. What you need to do for the next project is that you need to write the summary of the most noticeable trend or data that stand out from the crowd.

Some grammatical errors in introduction:
- ...expenditure of an average Australian family inbetween 1991 and 2001, a decade gap of time . (unnecessary details)
- Overall, it can be seen that / it is noticeable that, the total spending forof Australian family... (missing overview signal)
- Overall, the total spending for Australian family in 2001 was higher than in 1991 with other goods and services as the highest cost among others in both years although the most drastic climb happened to electricity and water in 2001.(consider revise this one, overview sentence was not like this. The details were too many)

Let me give it a try:
Overall, it is noticeable that, the total spending of Australian citizens in non-essential goods and services came up as the highest trend in the end of the period.

As you can see Febriyani, I hope you can take my feedback above into your consideration. Therefore, good luck for the next essay practice.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Prospective parents should be required to get licenses to have children. Do you agree or disagree? [3]

Abdul, welcome to EssayForum :) I hope you can do your best in conveying ideas and thoughts about other members' essays. This is also beneficial for your writing development. Then, I would like to try to give you my insights and score prediction towards this essay. I hope this will be helpful.

Task Response:
- You were able to address all parts of the task, your position throughout the response was adequately clear. In addition, you were also able to present, extent, and support main ideas, but supporting ideas seem lack focus. For instance, in the introduction, the focus of thesis statement was for illness and incapability. The second body paragraph (third paragraph) supporting ideas jumped to drug abuses, alcohol, and cigarettes, which also unclear to address 'who will ill?', and the last sentence of the your second body paragraph (third paragraph) tend to over-generalize the term 'people', not all people, it should be parents. However, you can still achieve 7.0 for task response.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- You were able to arrange information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression. You also used cohesive devices effectively, but few of them were inaccurate. Such as 'as the result', it should be 'as a result' because this is the first result, you've never mentioned result before. You were also able present a clear central topic within each paragraph. Therefore, you are able to reach 6.5 for this part.

For lexical resource, grammatical range and accuracy scoring criteria, I think I am going to give it on your next writing, since you already achieve an adequate score on 2 parts. As I know, usually by getting 2 or 3 parts a safe score, the other scoring criteria will follow. So, keep writing and do your best!

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / The number of user who access differently to the two new music sites - IELTS Writing Task 1 [4]

Akmal, I did some contributions towards your essay. I hope you can mind the corrections below.

- ...access differently to thedifferent two new music sites...
- ...measured within 15 daysin thousands.('000s means thousands, and remember, the axis which usually measured is Y axis.)
- it can be seen that, (comma needed) the most...
- ...atfrom the first day to...
- ...more userusersattemptedtempted to access...
- ...by the end of the period...
- During the same period of timeredundant
- ...website decreaseddecreases slightly about... (Tense confusion, previously you seems decided to use present form)

Moreover, Akmal, Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the third paragraph still needs work.

With regards to... (1st sentence)
Eventually,... (2nd sentence)
However,... (3rd sentence)

Student Talk / The Foreign Language Learner's Issues in Writing [8]

Nope, it wasn't like that Akbar. Even native speakers themselves have this kind of difficulty sometimes. For instance, somehow they tend to violate the grammar itself, which also the same as Indonesian native speaker speaks or writes informally. Therefore, it is about how accurate the grammar that people use, e.g. punctuation, subject-verb agreement, plural-singular, and many others grammatical aspects.

Undergraduate / "I deserve to be here" - Appeal/Waitlist Personal Statement for UCs [3]

Phoebe, welcome to EssayForum :) This is the place where you can get and convey constructive feedback towards other members' essays. I do hope that after getting feedback from us, you will keep actively participating in this remarkable website.

With regards to your essay, I would like to address noticeable mistakes towards your Personal Statement essay. First, instead of making 1 huge and bulky paragraph like this, it is better for you to separate each paragraph, for instance a 500-words essay usually consists of 5 or 6 paragraphs. Second, you need to avoid using contractions such as 'that's, you've, and others', these are not suggested because it will make your essay become less formal. Coordinating conjunctions, like 'but, or, and etc', are not appropriate to be used in the first part of the sentence. This also makes your essay sounds informal. You also need to re-check your essay by doing proof read, some sentence fragments are vividly noticeable there. You have to make sure that in a sentence, either simple or complex sentence, you need to check whether it has complete 'subject and verb' combination or not. For example, Driving and hour plus every week just to get away from everything. and Even more so here. These sentences are incomplete, and therefore need to be revised.

As you can see Phoebe, fixing general errors will be a good revision, after you have done revising your essay, you can post it again here to gain constructive and comprehensive feedback from contributors or members in this forum.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Some attractions in England - which were the most popular? [3]

Nurul, I notice that both of your writings have similar mistakes in the first introduction paragraph. I would like to address your number of sentences. As you can see, in both essays, you accidentally only write 2 sentences for introduction paragraph. There is no wrong and right in writing, but keep doing this will not enhance your band score significantly.

Actually, there are many types of essay for IELTS task 1. However, I will explain to you two common types of IELTS task 1 writing pattern. The first type is what you have usually done, combining 'question's paraphrase and overview sentence' then place it in the first introduction paragraph. This writing pattern urges you to make at least three sentences for a paragraph because you need to wrap the information as a whole. By writing only 2 sentences, you will not adequately address all the information needed for your essay, which then makes you hard to achieve band 6 for task achievement scoring criteria.

There you are Nurul, keep practicing and you can achieve a good score later on.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / The ratio of holidaymaker who visit Brighton attractions in England - IELTS Writing Task 1 [2]

Akmal, Welcome to EssayForum :) All of us are here to help each other by doing peer-correction towards other members' essays. This is a remarkable place to enhance your writing skills by posting and correcting essays. I hope you can do your best to actively participate in this valuable website.

With regards to your essay, I notice that the first sentence seems too complicated and there are unnecessary details which should not be appeared. Mentioning 'four different places' is adequately presented the introduction well. Then, the second sentence is lack of transitional signal after 'Overall' which indicates that is an overview sentence, for instance 'it can be seen that' and 'it is noticeable that'. Next, you should be careful of writing a 'percentage' symbol. Percentage should be without any spaces, e.g. 50% not 50 %. Unfortunately, all percentage symbols that you write will be considered as 'errors', and therefore, it decreases your grammar and punctuation score. Lastly, the last sentence of your second paragraph also becomes a problem. When you put subject 'Festival', 'spot' is considered as a 'verb'. So, placing 'occurred' will make it redundant. It will be determined as verb confusion (double verb) which also back-lashing your grammatical score.

There you are Akmal, I hope you can follow through my feedback and mind the corrections above.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / The bar chart illustrates the figure for tourists travelling through three major airports in NYC [3]

Nurul, I did some contribution towards your grammatical range and accuracy. I hope you can follow through my feedback.

- ...in New York City (John F. Kennedy, LaGuardia, Newark)(unnecessary details for introduction)
- Overall, it can be seen that, (comma needed) the passengers...
- To begin with , in 1995,...
- ...a steadilysteady rise to 50
- ...predominated the number of passengers throughout...
- There was a steadygradual rise... (repetitive, use synonym)
- ...tourists going ontravelingby usingvia John F. Kennedy...
- While (no comma needed) Newark showed a significant incline from 15 to almost 40 during three years, (comma, without connector)and then it levelled off in 1998 onwardsonward .

As you can see, doing errors like these will not be beneficial, but I hope you can enhance your writing skills by learning from your past mistakes.

Cheers :)

Undergraduate / Nepal is a lovely place to live in but can't provide a proper study environment - Canada Embassy SOP [7]

Shova, welcome to EssayForum :)

I hope that as a new member, you will be brave enough to practice or convey ideas towards other members' essay. Therefore, I encourage you to keep writing in order to help others if possible. Now, you can see the description of a breakdown of your grammatical and content issues, with corrections applied. Sadly, I was only able to focus on your first and second paragraph.

- I am Rachana Acharya and had already completed my graduate level.(I don't say that this is wrong, but in my opinion it is unnecessary because the application form itself has already shown the data about your name and your education.)

- Working as a teacher and dealing with the kids I admired the profession andhas inspired medecided to find...
- ...and in the future I want to run my own day care center in the future.
- ByBeingbecoming a teacher, (comma needed) I have learned that...
- The better education we provide them, (comma needed) the better...
- ...education is the most important thing in anyone's life and learning is a never ending process (this is too general, I think you need to narrow it down to be more specific. Perhaps, my suggestion is that you can say about your interest in children, your active participation, and you have a good experience in managing the class with children would be a better reason.)

- ...(Program code: 1201). (does it really necessary? what did your application form say to you? As far as I know, stating the program code should be in the other parts of registration, not inside a statement of purpose.

- Most parts of your second paragraph suffers from punctuation problems. You need to remember that if the position of coordinating conjunction is in the middle, you need to use comma.

As you can see Shova, perhaps you can revise this first, and then upload the revision in the comment section below. I do hope that my insights will be valuable in enhancing your writing skills.Good Luck :)

Student Talk / The Foreign Language Learner's Issues in Writing [8]

Akbar, this is an interesting topic to be discussed here. I do hope that other members, especially foreign language learners can actively participate in this forum category, particularly in this thread. Therefore, I encourage anyone who read this, you are suggested to read and answer these questions. Your answers will be valuable not only for the researcher, but also all of us here. It is possible for you to get an inspiration by seeing someone's way to overcome his or her problems in writing.

With regards to my own obstacles in writing, I reckon that it is definitely grammatical accuracy. This is the most terrifying issue for a foreign language learner like me. In 2 or 3 years ago, I was afraid to write anything in English. I felt that my ability is a shame compared to others, especially my classmates in university. Therefore, I did some practices by reading some English articles and grammar book. The book that I used at that time was Betty Azar's book, Understanding English Grammar (the blue one). By consistently doing those efforts, I was able to earn a satisfying mark in writing within a semester.

Writing Feedback / The chart below shows the amount of money per week spent on fast foods in Britain. WRITING TASK 1. [6]

Task Achievement
- You were able to generally address the task, but the format is inappropriate. This is because there is no clear overview. I notice that you were trying to write one, but it seems too general by only saying 'were changing'. This made your task achievement only scored 5.0.

Coherence and Cohesion
- As you can see, you were able to present the report summary from the graph and chart, but unfortunately, there is no overall progression. You were only used few cohesive devices. This dragged your score down to 5.0.

Lexical Resource
- Unfortunately, your vocabulary was limited. Many repetitive words were existed, such as 'per person per week'. You've mentioned it 8 times. This makes you hard to score beyond 5.0.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
- Choosing present perfect was a bad decision. The time signal was already obvious that it indicates that something happened in the past. Therefore, you need to write the proper tenses according to the time signal. This makes your score only reach 5.0

Overall, this essay is worth between 4.5 - 5.0 due to several reasons that I've mentioned above. However, do not worry, this is just a prediction score, not an actual one. You can practice harder by seeing many sample answers from many valuable websites in order to improve your writing. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / I have several reasons to agree that the car-using will decrease in the future. TOEFL essay [3]

Nguyen, I notice that you need a lot of works to be done in revising your essay. There are still many corrections that you need to do. For the detailed of the corrections, you can check it below:

- ...always changes withat the same time as the development of society...
- In another other words, the useless or old vehicles..
- ...when time go goes by
- Therefore, (comma needed) I have several...
- future. and itThis will be the main focus onof my essay.
- FirstFirstly , one of the reasonreasons whymake car-using declines is itbecause it has negative impact on environment.
- diseases for the healthy ofwhich is harmful for human
- ...car by anotherother vehicles which doesdo not createcause ...
- ...and electronic cars. It makes...
- few hours by airplane, (comma needed) while car will take few days or few weeks(irrelevant comparison, hours by plane doesn't mean days or weeks by car. The exact calculation is like this: plane = 800 kilometers is equal to 2 or 3 hours. Car = 800 kilometers is equal to 20 or 24 hours)

- ...important roleusage of car...

There you are Nguyen, you need to be careful on the grammatical accuracy and punctuation problem of your essay. My suggestion is that you need to keep practicing by reading some sample answers which already has a high score. By doing this, it will be fruitful towards your writing development. Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: People think that the news media has influenced people's lives nowadays... [4]

Yes, that is what I meant by a conclusion, 'therefore / thus / in sum / all in all'. Your introduction paragraph and conclusion paragraph did not have any problems with concluding sentence. The first body paragraph and second body paragraph are the problems, not introduction paragraph. You accidentally stopped explaining after mentioning 'as a result / consequently'. In this case, you need to restate or conclude the main idea that you have mentioned in the first sentence. That is what I meant by 'lack of conclusion' for each paragraph.

Let me give you another brief explanation. As you know, body paragraph usually consists of:

- Idea > main idea or usually called topic sentence (first sentence)
- Why? > give reason why this idea is true
- Example > give an example of it
- Result > say what the implications / effects of this example are
- Conclusion > conclude the paragraph. >> this is the part that you've missed in this essay.

Undergraduate / UCSD CSE Transfer Waitlist // New unique facilities, attracted by growth and change. [3]

Jonathan, welcome to EssayForum :) It is nice to see the number of members in this forum are growing fast. I would like to say that none of this would have happened without the contribution of all members, regardless the new or an old one. Therefore, I suggest you to keep giving your best shot in conveying ideas and insights towards other members in this forum.

With regards to your essay, I think that you had an interesting checklist for the reader like us. Let me try to do my best in answering your questions above.

1. No, it does not feel like a tacky start. I even personally think that this is a rare thing to do in an essay, which is good. This indicates that you are grateful about this opportunity.

2. This is quite challenging to compress all the information without using any contractions. From my point of view, I think that you need to expand your contractions first, then try to reduce some unimportant detail, particularly the redundant detail.

These are what you need to expand:
- First off all , I'dI would like to thank UCSD... (in academic essay, avoid using contraction(s))
- ...that'swho is interested... (another contraction problem)
- I'veI have had... (contraction problem)
- it'sit is this (contraction issue) ...

These are what you need to reduce:
- ....ever since two new facilities , (just directly mention what kind of facilities that you are talking about)
- .... to grow academically and as a person(unnecessary details)

3. Yes, this is quite worrying. You need to take a closer look on this one.
4. No, you don't. There is no essay which exactly the same like what you have written. However, my suggestion is that you need to perhaps give 'censors' to the name of the university that you are going to enroll. This is for a precaution to avoid plagiarism.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Obesity is a major health problem in the world [3]

Maya, I think I get used to read your writing. I notice that for task response part, you were able to addressed all parts of the task although some parts still fully covered than others. This is because you created 3 body paragraphs, somehow the information was not well-developed equally. Next, for coherence and cohesion part, I think your information and ideas were arranged coherently and clear overall progression existed. However, some of them were still faulty or mechanical.

With regards to lexical resource, I notice that you were using adequate vocabulary for the task. In addition, about your grammatical issues and punctuation. I see that you were trying to use some complex sentence forms and mixed them. This is a good one even though some errors were still there.

Therefore, in my opinion, this essay is quite possible to reach between 5.5 and 6.0. This is only a prediction for what I have seen so far. Mind my previous and recent corrections for the next essay practice. Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: People think that the news media has influenced people's lives nowadays... [4]

Xiao, as usual, you already have a good grammatical control, so this is not a big deal for you. Therefore, you need to focus more on the content of your essay. I notice that your recent posts mostly consist of 5 paragraphs per essay. This is okay, but it is uncommon. There are two possibilities of unusual essay. Whether it leads to negative or positive sense to the reader or examiner.

Furthermore, the thing that I am concerned is your first and second body paragraph. I notice that you never try to put a conclusion for each paragraph. I have no idea why are you doing that. According to IELTS band descriptor, this could be addressed as 'lack of conclusion', which is the measurement of band 5.0. I am just afraid that if you are keep neglecting a concluding sentence for each paragraph, this will be bad towards your band score.

However, do not worry, that was just my insights about your essay. Overall, your essay is already becoming an outstanding piece of writing, especially in your grammatical control and lexical resource. It is undoubtedly you are going to earn 7 or more than that for those two aspects.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Alternative energy installation is more expensive than conventional energy [2]

Maya, previously I have given my best contributions towards your introduction and first body paragraph, then I am going to give you another feedback regarding to your second body and conclusion paragraph. You can see the corrections and detailed feedback that I have given you below:

- much more money will be save because of it needs less... (because + subject + verb | because of + noun / noun phrase)
- When buildbuilding a new energy...
- The source for energyenergy source for alternative...
- so there is no need toit is unnecessary to spend more money in searching it(it is better to make a good use of word formation, suffix and prefix)

- One of the best examples is to buy a solar energized car or renown as hybrid car. Thisneeds about three... (2 verbs, but missing connector)

- ButHowever , wepeople can calculate for each kilometre.. (Avoid personal pronoun in body paragraph and you should not use coordinating conjunction in the beginning of the sentence, this makes your essay become less formal)

- how much oil is needed?(making a question inside a body paragraph is inappropriate)
- Wepeople can multiply it by the time theywe use that (too many personal pronouns)
- Then, (comma needed)wethey will find greater.. (personal pronoun problem (again))
- I notice that your conclusion is also experiencing the same problem about over-use personal pronouns.

There you are Maya, I hope you mind the corrections and feedback that I have delivered to you in order to help you enhancing your writing skills in the future. My suggestion for your upcoming practice, please write a sentence that you are 100% sure it is correct if you want to earn flying colors in IELTS. This is because accurate simple sentence is still better than inaccurate complex sentence.

Good Luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Task 2: The increase on crime rate and how to tackle it [2]

Maya, I did some contributions towards your introduction and first body paragraph. I hope you can follow through my feedback and mind some corrections that I have given to you.

- One of the most surprising issues among people is the increase of crime rate (I do not say that this is wrong, but perhaps you need to rethink about 'the most surprising issues'. I think that increasing number of crime is not a surprising issue, it is a common issue, or perhaps you can say recent issue.)

- that the main causes of this problem are unemployment (should be omitted, unnecessary details)
- However, (comma needed, remember, cohesive devices mostly followed by comma) giving the citizens...
- ...measure to tackle itthose problems . (I reckon that this word refers to nowhere, it is quite far, 'those problems' are more appropriate)
- Unfortunately, (another missing comma problem) some of them..
- ...are not well-educated and have no job to fulfil their living needs and , which possible to lead them to commit crime to do that(commit crime has already meant 'do something', putting 'to do that' will be redundant)

- Based on the data in the United States in 2010 , it stated that there iswas a dramatic decrease in the level of burglary, rape, robbery and assault when unemployment was falling and vice versa . (be careful in giving scientific 'fake' fact(s). It should be relevant and convincing. In this case, you missed the year and the tenses were mixed)

- Moreover, 70% of the criminals comecame from a high-school drop-out or less. (referring to previous past condition)
- They don'tdo not know how... (avoid using contraction(s) like this in academic essay)

There you are Maya, as you can see, I put additional explanation for each correction that I have made to make it as clear as possible for you.

Writing Feedback / The crime rate can be minimalised if government and individuals find the solution. [2]

Tria, I would like to try to assess your writing based on IELTS writing public band descriptors of Task 2.

Task Response
- Fortunately, you got 1 positive feature of band 7.0 in this part. You were able to address all parts of the task by giving reasons and solutions for this problem. However, it is so unfortunate that you got 1 negative feature of band 6.0. You were able to present a relevant position even though the conclusion was unclear. Therefore, you are able to reach 6.5 for task response.

Coherence and Cohesion
- This is the part which dragged down your score. There were many inaccurate use of cohesive devices and some of them made your essay sounds less formal. For example, you were using 'YET (coordinating conjunction) many times', 'firstly' without even mentioning 'secondly', and missing transitional signal in the last part (there is no 'in conclusion/to sum up'). Thus, you only gain 5.0 for this part.

Lexical Resource
- Be careful, introduction and conclusion is the most noticeable part of an IELTS essay. Therefore, paraphrasing it carelessly will make your vocabulary range score somewhere between 5.0 and 6.0. This is because you were accidentally using limited range of vocabulary, but somehow your body paragraphs' vocabulary help raising your score. So, I think this worth 5.5.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
- Unfortunately, there were still some errors regarding to this part. However, this was not reduce the communication. The good point is your essay was still understandable although some grammatical errors persisted. Then, you were also using the combination of complex sentences and simple sentences. As a result, this part is possible to reach 6.0.

Overall, your essay is worth between 5.5 and 6.0. However, do not worry about this prediction score. This is not the actual score of yours, but perhaps some points can be taken into consideration for the sake of your improvement in writing. :)

Undergraduate / Temple transfer essay from a biology major [4]

You need to remember that there is no wrong or right in making a personal statement as long as you have answered the question properly. Another main parameter which makes your essay looks good is whether it is adequately convincing or not. I reckon that your essay is understandable, the language that you use is conversational, everyone can understand what you are talking about, even at first (hook) is quite ambiguous like what you ask.

About that part, I think you can pick a proper idiom about heart by searching it online from Cambridge dictionary or Oxford dictionary. I have no idea on that one, I just think that it is quite unclear for me, even if you already change it 'the heart is in the center of your chest', it is still inappropriate in meaning. Therefore, you need to go the extra mile on that part. This is because, first sentence of an essay is extremely crucial, especially in a personal statement. However, my suggestion is that, if you still can't find an appropriate and catchy hook for this essay, it is better to still make it that way, just left it without a hook. A normal-understandable sentence is still better than ambiguous or unclear hook.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Mitch Lucker - musician, motorcycles fanatic [3]

Felix, I would like to apologize for making you wait quite long enough in order to get constructive feedback from other members of this forum. Frankly, this category of essay is always like this, not many people are interested in seeing or even checking this type of essay. Actually, you can advertise your own essay by commenting or conveying a meaningful feedback towards other members or even towards active contributors. After giving meaningful feedback, the link to your essay will automatically appear below your comment(s), and the OP (original poster) and other members can see it. This can make your essay will get reviewed sooner. However, I would like to try to do my best in helping you revising this research paper.

With regards to your essay, I think it is quite short for a research paper. Somehow, it consists of 4 or 5 pages. When I read the content, it is pretty interesting to read. It is well-written in logical order, and well-developed ideas. The flow of ideas is also understandable and clear enough. Yet, some grammatical issues still exist and it needs to be revised soon. I notice that mostly your essay are using contractions, these are not recommended in academic writing. Now, for further feedback you can see my corrections below.

- ...and its helpedit helps
- In the case of Mitch Lucker, (comma needed) many people find him inspirational not only because of his daughter, (comma needed) but also his fans despite his genre and lifestyle.

- into the Heavy Metal genre... (you have never mentioned it before, so 'the' is unnecessary)
- genre; he isand he is also known to have.. (I have never recommended anyone to use ' ; ', somehow it is quite confusing)
- if he'she was/is ... (avoid contractions, remember, this essay is an academic writing)
- Lucker is known for thingssome matters like tattoos (it is also less formal and unclear to use 'thing(s)')
- unique to him; he was proud of themin which he proud of.

There you are Felix, I hope my 'late' review helps you. I am waiting for your next piece of writing. Do not hesitate to convey ideas to other members' essays. Good luck and keep writing :)

Undergraduate / Temple transfer essay from a biology major [4]

Accriton, firstly I would like to say welcome to EssayForum :) This is the perfect place for you to improve your writing skills by doing peer-corrections towards other members' essays. It is also possible for you to seek a constructive feedback from any members or contributors in this forum. I do hope that after your essay is getting revised or corrected by others, you are going to keep actively participating in this valuable website.

With regards to your essay, I notice that there are still some parts that need to be revised soon, especially grammatical issues. This can possibly reduce communication and the idea that you are going to deliver is not appropriately delivered to the reader or the university examiner. You can check my feedback below

- the center of us is our heart (I understand that you want to write a catchy hook, but this one seems ambiguous. This is because 'center of us' is not always heart, perhaps mind is also possible to be the 'center of us', and how about people who are 'heartless'?)

- the heart has ventricles which pumpspump
- The first being that I graduated with is a B.S in biology. (fragment, missing verb)
- I'veI have learned that personal (avoid using contraction(s) in this type of formal-like essay)
- I wouldn'twould not have found the (another contraction problem)
- Making advances in medical field is difficult, but it does not mean it is impossible(this additional sentence perhaps can emphasize the message that you are going to convey)

- I'mI am very proud to (another contraction problem)

Overall, the essay is quite convincing, perhaps by giving more sentence(s) to stress the message will be good to improve the essay. Writing more sentences can also possible to fulfill your task response well. You need to write 250 words minimum right? Unfortunately, your essay was only 238 words.

Writing Feedback / Replacing the fossil fuel energy for other - ecological sources is too expensive undertaking [2]

Tria, I would like to try to assess you based on IELTS writing task 2 public band descriptors.

Task Response
- You were able to address all parts of the tasks, but unfortunately some parts were fully covered than others, especially in your body paragraph 2. Sadly, in both body 1 and body 2 paragraph were only presenting about the result as the last sentence of each. You need to know that conclusion should be appeared in each body paragraph. Therefore, by presenting positive feature of band 6 and negative feature of band 5. This part you are able to reach 5.5

For the other three parts of assessment, I reckon that mostly stay on that level, especially in grammatical errors and punctuation. Remember that those parts are also one of the four essential scoring criteria in IELTS. My suggestion is that you should compose a sentence which you are really sure 100% correct. In addition, in body paragraph, you can avoid using personal pronoun. This is because personal pronoun is very strong to be placed only in introduction and conclusion. For body paragraph, you can mention other people's view as long as it is not other personal pronouns such as we, our, or us.

There you are Tria, practice harder for the next essay :) good luck

Writing Feedback / "Wealthy nations should maintain the wealth of poorer nations by supplying them food" [2]

Maxim, at first, you need to write your title clearly. This will help us to check whether this is an IELTS writing task, TOEFL writing task, other piece of writings. You can mention 'IELTS Task 2: Wealthy nations......', then it will be clear enough for us to notice that this is an IELTS writing task 2 essay. Moreover, you also have to put at least 1 space for each paragraph in order to ease us in checking your essay.

With regards to your essay, I think you need to have more practices because your essay has not become a well-organized one. You were over-using 'personal pronoun', this makes your essay less formal. Therefore, you need to reduce it to the lowest level possible. As far as I know, many essays are pretty clear about this part. Personal pronoun is usually placed in introduction paragraph and conclusion paragraph.

Thus, because of your jumbling sequences of your paragraphs, some inappropriate formats, and lack of conclusion, I think this essay cannot go beyond 5.0.

So, these are my suggestions:
- Read as many as possible many sample answers of IELTS, especially IELTS writing task 2.

- Analyze the pattern of sample answers that you read, usually it consists of 1 introduction paragraph (2 or 3 sentences), 2 body paragraphs (more than 3 sentences for each), 1 conclusion paragraph (2 or 3 sentences).

- You can also make a good introduction paragraph by paraphrasing the facts and questions (not directly copy it or by mentioning directly what the question is about) and then wrap it up in a 1 paragraph, and do not forget to write a thesis statement at the last part of the introduction in order to address the reader what are they going to read in body 1 and body 2.

- Lastly, you can create a good conclusion paragraph by paraphrasing your introduction paragraph, thesis statement, and do not forget to add a recommendation, fear, or hope for the future to make it as a 'final thought'. This is really effective to express the writer's overall opinion about the topic. This is also one way to leave an impression and encourage readers to think about this topic further.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The earth has witnessed drastic changes since human springs into existence. Our harmed planet [3]

Hi Tran, welcome to EssayForum :) This website is indeed a valuable place for sharing our insights about writing, particularly by giving meaningful feedback towards other members' essays or posting our own piece of writing. Thus, I hope that you are able to continue posting or conveying ideas to other people in this forum.

Concerning your essay, I notice that you've already created a masterpiece. You were using a lot of complex vocabularies in the right place, it has perfectly matched the topic. At first, I would never know that this topic can go this deep. If I had a chance to write the same thing, I would never thought that I can go further, especially in the second body paragraph. Perhaps, the things that I can contribute are only about punctuation and few grammatical errors.

- Although the grandiose ambitions to conquer mother natureMother Natureisare beyond...
- precipitous lengthy heatwaveheat wave ...
- into their servant. asAs a consequence, they...

There you are Tran, your essay was already well-written. Even though I don't know exactly the scoring scale of TOEFL iBT, I am sure that this essay is worth beyond what you think due to its minor flaws and well-developed response. Keep up the good work! :)

I forgot, one more thing, perhaps for the next post, you can give at least one space for each paragraph, to ease us in checking your essay.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of non-working females in England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland - IELTS 1 [2]

Nour, if you keep doing this, I am afraid that it will be harmful towards your band score. You accidentally created exactly the minimum '150 sentences'. This is dangerous in many ways.

Firstly, if it is a handwriting, please remember that examiner is also a human, 1 or 2 words are possibly miscounted. Then, they will think that your essay is less than 150 words, so they just give you a band score which is LOWER than 5.0 directly. This is because you didn't fulfill task achievement properly. Secondly, each paragraph of your essay is also TOO SHORT. This can be dangerous towards your score. I have given you a constructive feedback about this issue on your previous essay. You can take a look, read, and follow through the feedback.

There you are Nour, I hope you can take my feedback into your consideration for the next practice if possible. :)

Keep Writing and Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / TV programmes Australian viewers charts - IELTS (Task 1) [3]

Nour, complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

(1st)Both bar charts ... (2nd)These viewers ... (3rd)Overall, what stands out... (you can also combine '(4th)additionally...' in this paragraph. It is better rather than separate it)

The first body of your essay also has the same problem. If you don't serve up the information from the chart in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. I suggest that you approach the first body in the following manner:

(1st)To begin with... (2nd)Moreover... (add one more sentence) (3rd)In the following...

Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

(1st)On the other hand... (2nd)Furthermore... (add one more sentence) (3rd)Eventually...

You also have to address the lack of a conclusion in your essay. You need to figure out how to develop 3 sentences that will properly close your report review.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: The proportion of the advantages and disadvatages of Fairmont Island [2]

Maya, I would like to try to assess you based on writing band descriptors of IELTS task 1. Firstly, with regards to your task achievement, you were able to address the requirements of the task and the overview was also quite clear. Yet, the absence of clear stages made you only scored 6 in this part. Secondly, concerning coherence and cohesion, the information and ideas that you presented was coherent, but the usage of cohesive devices was over-use. You accidentally added cohesive devices for every sentence, and this was inappropriate. This dragged your score down to 5.

Thirdly, regarding to lexical resource, the range of vocabulary was adequately presented for the task, but I didn't notice the existence of less common vocabularies or some phrasal verbs in your essay. You were still using basic level of vocabulary, such as good, and small, which made you only got 6. Lastly, about grammatical range and accuracy, it was interesting, since most of your sentences were accurate. The thing that was so unfortunate and made you unable to reach band 7 in this part was because of the use of contraction.

Therefore, the overall score of this writing is between 5.5 and 6.0. However, don't worry, it was just a prediction from me. I hope you can do better for the next trial :)

Writing Feedback / Volunteerism to be a main part in Higschool Programmes [2]

Furqanda, welcome to EssayForum :) This is the place where you can freely share your ideas and thoughts about other members' essays, as long as it is meaningful and not meaningless feedback. Then, you definitely will enhance your writing skills if you keep on practicing in this forum.

With regards to your essay, I think you still need a lot of works to be done, especially in grammatical accuracy and punctuation. You can check my corrections below.

- These days, pros and cons have occurred.. (unclear time signal, so I add one)
- Some people say it is recommended, while some others arguerejectthisthesepoints of views
- I tend topersonally/firmly/strongly agree with this idea, (comma) since... (instead of ONLY stating your intention, it is better to state it clearly)

- ...volunteerism couldcan give a sense of careto care, especially with others andin order to train a soft skill ofin a high school.

- ...students takepay an attention...
- This is because, they will... (comma needed)
- As anFor example , 2 years ago when I were still studying in the university... (unclear time signal)
- ...our team needhave to livelived
- We implemented ana solution...
- ...with builtby building a library and taughtteaching a good system.. (you can use gerund)
- for their paddyfieldrice field.
- It was anthe evidence that developing ...

These grammatical problems were unfortunately reduced communication. Some of your sentences are quite ambiguous and confusing. My suggestion is that, you have to compose a sentence that you think 100% it is correct, since this is also one of the four essential parts in IELTS scoring. Your score will fall to band 5.0 if you keep doing this one for the next practice. This is what band 5.0 said in Writing band Descriptors of IELTS task 2:

- attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences
- may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader

Therefore, you need to do your best for the next practice. I hope my feedback will be valuable for your future enhancement in writing.
Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / Genetically modified crops are potentially dangerous. to what extent do you agree? [3]

Spring, I would like to try convey my ideas relating to your score, which is based on Writing IELTS task 2 band descriptors.

Task Response
- You have addressed all parts of the task, which you also have presented a clear position throughout the response. However, it is so unfortunate that you came up with stating your agreement only in the last part of your essay. That is why your score in this part could not go over 7.0.

Coherence and Cohesion
- It is really good that you have logically organized information and ideas, and also there is a clear progression throughout the whole essay. Most of cohesive devices are appropriate, yet some of them are not. For example, when you mentioned 'first of all', you have to mention 'second of all' for the next one. If you change it to 'secondly', it looks messy, and not well-organized or scrambled. Therefore, you also got 7.0 on this part.

Lexical Resource
- This is the best part of your essay. I really like that you were using a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibility to convey precise meanings when you were writing this essay. You also have skillfully used complex vocabularies. This is why you got 8.0 for this one.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
- In this part, you have used a variety of complex structures. The majority of your sentences are error-free. It indicates that you have a good grammatical control and punctuation. Unfortunately, I've still found few inaccuracies in your grammar and punctuation, for example, 'these method(s), these food(s), hundred(s), and you forgot to give 1 space after comma 'for instance,genetic' . This makes your score cannot go beyond 7.0

Overall, I reckon that your essay is worth between 7.0 - 7.5. However, this is just my view, do not take this as your actual test score. :)

Writing Feedback / These days authorities are becoming more concerned about museums [4]

Mersad, it is really nice to read your writing. You have addressed all parts of the task well, which you also present a clear position throughout the response. Yet, there were still some of the supporting ideas were lack focuses, and not strong enough. Especially, the second body paragraph (secondly,.....), in that part, you accidentally only created two sentences in which will be considered as a 'weak' body paragraph. This will damage your coherence and cohesion score. Perhaps my suggestion is that you can make 1 introduction, 2 'strong' body paragraphs (instead of three paragraphs), 1 conclusion paragraph.

With regards to lexical resource, I do really like yours. You have successfully used less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation. Also, you have used a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision. Then, for grammatical range and accuracy part, it is very good that you were able to compose a variety of complex structures, which most of them were error-free. It shows that you have a good control of grammar and punctuation.

That's it Mersad, I hope you can follow through my feedback :)

Scholarship / Show how you intend to use the knowledge, skills and connection you will gain from your scholarship [3]

Adhesti, I like the way you deliver your intention. It is perfectly clear and straight to the point. Yet, I still found some grammatical problems which you need to revise soon. Moreover, you also need to elaborate your ideas in the first and the third part, since it only consists of two sentences. This is not a solid paragraph at all, which will make the reader think that you are running out of ideas. So, you need to add 1 or 2 more sentences in order to strengthen your paragraph. Now, the descriptions below are your grammatical issues, with corrections applied.

- if there are valuevalues differences
- Thus, makingit makes the FQR no longer done manually. (missing verb)
- First, thethere is a problem of convoluted bureaucracy. (missing verb)
- Itit impacts in the ERP (capital letter)

The you have it Adhesti, I hope you can follow through my feedback :) Good Luck for your application

Scholarship / Efforts to obtain information on your study options / selection of proposed course and institutions [7]

Adhesti, I think that your grammatical accuracy is already good. Yet, unfortunately the first, second, or even third sentences were not quite interesting enough to be presented. You need to have a catchy introduction in order to impress the examiner of the scholarship and make them encouraged to read more. Let me try to give you some examples about it.

- Recently, I have looked for information about Australia postgraduate courses on several trustworthy website links on the Internet.my study plan through the internet.
- I dig the information deeper about the situation of the lecture.The information that I got from the lecture a couple of weeks ago has encouraged me to dig it deeper.

- I seek to know about the assessments, the tasks, and also lecturers' profile.It includes the valuable information about the course modules, entry requirements, and also some professors' background profiles.

As you can see, you accidentally created many repetitive patterns starting with 'I' in almost all sentences. I hope my alternative sentences above will help you :)

Writing Feedback / The societies shouldn't be pliant and ought to select what kind of information they want in media [3]

Rere, your flow of ideas is getting better, it is quite clear and understandable. Yet, some cohesive devices are repetitive, and tend to be overused, such as 'Moreover, and However'. I hope you can vary the use of cohesive devices in order to make it less repetitive. Now, for the descriptions of grammatical issues, you can see it below, with corrections applied.

- ...technology has became become more sophisticated. (has/have + V3)
- ...their gadget, which thereby they...
- Today'sThese days, ...
- the gadget function'sfunction of gadget is not only for communication any more, but also ....
- is by using the media...
- so that they have the fascinating insight.can broaden their insights.
- children and youngsters,(period, new sentence)Hence ,...

There you are rere, I hope you can follow through my feedback :) Good luck for the next practice.

Graduate / Further Financial Understanding and Career Advancement - MSc in Finance - personal statement [2]

Hi Asri, it is indeed interesting to read your personal statement. Actually the idea is adequately addressed clearly to the reader, but your grammatical inaccuracies that you have, somehow, have distracted the meaning. You can see what I've found below.

- ...also fit to me, because it enables me to to prepare (comma needed)
- ...of these theorytheories can... (singular plural problem)
- ...I can compare how the the financial...
- became one of the tipping pointpoints ...
- This experience has sharpened my skills and learn how to.. (read again, confusing eh? how about this
------This experience has sharpened my skills, which triggers me to learn how to...
- To bring another betterment to...
- my first conferencedconference paper which is titledentitled ...
- This program made data management more efficient and opened the opportunity.. (parallel sentence)
- This programming skills / these programming skills

However, you also suggested to impress the reader by composing a catchy introduction, especially at the first sentence.

instead of this:

- I want to enroll in the master of finance program at Imperial College London Business school because of its excellent reputation in industry knowledge and experience with cutting edge-academic research.

how about this:

- Enrolling in Master of Science in Finance Program at Imperial College London Business School embodies my professional enhancement as a ........................... in Indonesia.

So, you mention the benefits that you can possibly get, especially for your future career. It indicates that you are a person who has a broader vision.

That's it Asri, I hope my feedback and insights will be valuable for you. Good luck for the application that you are going to send :)

Writing Feedback / Scientist and tourists now able to travel to remote environment. Advantages vs Disadvantages IELTS [2]

Hi mate, I would like to say that your essay is quite understandable even though you separated it into many paragraphs. I reckon that you have a good control of grammar, the things that I've noticed in your essay is that you seem unaware of using accurate punctuation. Perhaps next time you can use more accurate punctuation by placing 'comma' if it is necessary. For example, 'It is commonly believed that, visiting to isolated...', '...a very unique experience, not only for a research approach, but also for...'

With regards to the flow of your ideas, if the prompt is about 'advantages outweigh disadvantages', you need to focus on the thing that you want to tackle first. This can possibly make the examiner think that disadvantages can truly be outweighed by the advantages, which in your essay you wrote the opposite. Then, another suggestion from me is that, you need to make your paragraphing as intact as possible. Instead of making 6 paragraphs, it is better to make 1 clear introduction paragraph, 2 strong body paragraphs, and 1 clear conclusion paragraph.

There you have it mate! Good luck for the next one! :)

Scholarship / Efforts to obtain information on your study options / selection of proposed course and institutions [7]

Hi Adhesti, welcome to EssayForum :) I think if it is really urgent, you can put your essay on the 'urgent' list. This is because, members and contributors are limited. By putting your essay on 'urgent' section, it can be guaranteed that your essay will receive at least one professional feedback in a short time. Now, I would like to give my best insights on the first two prompts written.

Please describe the efforts you have undertaken so far to obtain information on your study options in Australia
- In recent months, I have looked for information...
- I have also contacted and consulted some colleagues who have becamebecomeawardeesalumni of this programand consulted with them
- with anotherother universities

Actually, I also find many similar mistakes regarding to unclear use of time signal, which makes your grammar somehow inaccurate. Remember, after you write 'recent', that means you are going to use either present continuous or present perfect. If, for example, you want to shift your tenses, give a CLEAR time signal, which indicates that 'sentence' is in a past condition. Such as, a couple days ago, two weeks earlier, or some other 'past' time signals.

How did you choose your proposed course and institutions?
I think in this part your essay is quite convincing. Yet, there is one thing that distracts my attention. What is ABC? a company or what? what is the exact name of it? I google 'ABC' and only found American Broadcasting Company. You need to be clear in explaining such a local term/company which only well-known in your own country. Remember, clarity is the king!

Overall, these two prompts only need several revisions before you send it. However, for the other prompts, I hope other members are able to help you in a short time, since you didn't put it as an urgent essay, which will take quite a long time, perhaps several days. Good Luck :)