Scholarship / Leader is the one who responsible - Chevening Essay [3]

Avoid referencing perceived undergraduate leadership and influencing skills as best as you can. Your reference in this essay is not strong enough. It weakens the overall presentation. As a dealer, you should have several leadership skills in reference to influencing and mentoring your employees, focus on those leadership qualities instead. Those will be of more interest to the reviewer than your undergraduate reference.

In reality though, your fixed income dealership does not show you managing any people or facing any real leadership issues. These are mostly related to a single man job in relation to the stock market. So it is not an effective leadership reference at all. Truth be told, neither of these references are going to impress the reviewer. These are not notable, not national in scope, not even related to local or business governance. So the reality is that you do not have any leadership or influencing skills that count when it comes to the considerations for this scholarship's applicants.

Scholarship / CHEVENING Networking Essay - One man show will not work [3]

You can remove your opening paragraph and go directly to the second paragraph instead. Do not waste the time of the reviewer with filler paragraphs. He will appreciate a short but informative essay of between 300-500 words. In this case, the second paragraph will definitely gain the attention of the reviewer since it highlights a clear method of building and using the network you developed. Remove the reference to the suspension of the project though. That is not important. What the reviewer needs to know is that you were able to use a series of networks to accomplish a task.

The second network is not as strong but still useful enough in the presentation. You need a third paragraph though. One that explains the importance of these 2 networks and how you view these networks as being important to the Chevening network and its alumni. Remember, you have to prove that this local network can be spun off into an international one as required by Chevening.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - MS in Statistics - applying for a statistics graduate program [2]

This is a personal statement for an MS course. It is not a SOP. A SOP is defined as an essay that states the purpose for your interest in advanced studies. The purpose should be backed by your professional work experience which isn't really well represented in your personal statement. You will need to write a new essay that targets the standard questions of a statement of purpose, unless you are given additional prompts for the discussion. The questions you need to respond to are:

1. How long have I worked professionally in a related field?
2. What work experience has led me to the need for an MS degree? How does the MS relate to your undergrad major?
3. How have my undergraduate courses prepared me to complete this course?
4. How do you expect this course to help you with your career?
5. What academic considerations led to your choice of university?
6. How can the university help you prepare for your 5 year career plan after completing studies? / What is your 5 year career plan after graduation?

These guide questions will help you develop a more relevant statement of purpose for your application.

Scholarship / CHEVENING Leadership and influence essay - Leader as a team player [3]

You can skip the college reference as it is not really conclusive in proving your leadership and influencing skill. The reviewer will be more interested to learn about how you accomplish the leadership and influencing aspect within your profession. The larege fan improvement focus sounds like a good project. You should start at the beginning with that discussion. Explain how you came to the head of the team. Where did you start? How did you eventually end up in the leadership position? What sort of leadership skills were required for you to become successful in the end? Considering your influencing skills, What were the most effective influencing methods that you used? Why did you opt to use these methods? What type of team did you have to deal with? What were the difficulties you had to overcome? Combine your leadership and influencing skills in the discussion as best as you can. Your reference to being a pilot trainee does not reflect any leadership or influencing skills. It only reflects an observation that is not needed in the presentation. You can remove that paragraph as well. Revise the last paragraph to better reflect a summary of your skills instead, based on the leadership and influencing skills paragraph you provided.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - gender preference on school classes [2]

Your prompt paraphrase requires a clearer representation of gender. These days, there are more than one gender identities so you have to be specific in your presentation, based upon the original presentation. Refer to synonyms for girls and boys (women, men, male, female) You should also specify which subjects are indicated. Basically, your prompt paraphrase is only partially informative and in accordance with the original representation.

Your first reasoning paragraph is not clear at all. Women and men are different on the biological level. Yet you said they are the same. Art subjects do not necessarily mean romantic and beautiful. What do you mean by using the term congenitally? That word, congenitally, does not exist in the English dictionary. That will be a big deduction in your LR score. Do not use phrases that do not make any sense like "tedious as dish water". Truth be told, that whole paragraph does not make any sense to the reader. Perhaps it makes sense in your native tongue, but it does not translate very well to English.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 - Rice exports from Thailand and Vietnam [2]

Since you are doing a comparison data presentation format, it would be better if you provide the measurements for both countries for comparison purposes. So when you say over two time the figure for Vietnam, mention the figure for Vietnam. That should be done for accuracy purposes. Be careful of your spelling, the country is Thailand, not Thai Lan. Information accuracy is important in the Task 1 essay. The second paragraph has an extra long last sentence. That can still be divided into 2 sentences, further increasing your chances at a higher GRA score. In the last paragraph, you should increase the information for the 2015 reference. It should have a little more information than you have presented. You can still use 3 sentences in that paragraph following the 3-5 sentence per paragraph format.

Writing Feedback / Why music is necessary for human? The traditional vs modern sounds. [2]

The essay is way below the 250 mark at 216 words. That will result in a points deduction so severe, the essay will not receive a passing score. I need to advise you to bring up your word count next time. You need to make sure that you fully explain your thoughts and opinions in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. Aim to write 5 sentences in each paragraph to help you achieve an over the minimum word count. You also need to be careful about your word capitalization in the presentation. You capitalized the word "singing" after a comma. Since that is not a proper noun, it should not be capitalized after a comma. Your conclusion is not a proper summary of the presentation. Both the para[hrase and closing paragraph need to have at least 40 words in it, with proper punctuation contained. In your rush to finish the essay, you made spelling, grammar, and conjunction errors. All of which, though seemingly minimal in representation, will result in further deductions for your essay based on each scoring section. This is not an essay that will have a good chance of passing in this form. You need to increase your word count and focus on cleaning up your errors so that you can get a scoring consideration and avoid penalties based on technicalities. Technicalities means that you failed to proof read your essay before you decided it was the final form you wanted to have graded.

Writing Feedback / These days, youngsters are susceptible to be had an impact on many factors [3]

The essay you wrote does not meet the 250 minimum word requirement. 231 words is still substantially far enough from the 250 minimum count, causing you to still have a large word percentage score deduction. That is a deduction that will be applied even before the other 4 scoring sections are considered. You will definitely suffer a lower GRA and LR score because you are using English words in the wrong manner. There is no such phrase as; "I agree later." I believe you meant to say, "I agree with the latter." It is important that you do not use words and phrases you are not familiar with because these types of errors will always affect 2 scoring sections in the rubic. Be very careful with your sentence structure and vocabulary usage. Those are the sections where students get the most deductions during the test.

Graduate / Supervision Inquiry for the proposed PhD Study [3]

You want to join an already existing research group. Yet you do not reference how your work will help improve the existing research and development of the supervisor you have chosen. The supervisors tend to be more receptive towards having people join their group if there is a chance of knowledge sharing and transference. In this case, I see you focused only on what you can get from the team, but you do not say how the team can benefit from your addition to their roster. It is good that you admire the professor, but that will not be enough to entice him to become your supervisor. You have to prove a merging of the 2 research areas, his and yours. Both of you need to have a better research outcome based on the collaborative experience.

Writing Feedback / In order to become well-rounded individuals, all college students should be required to take courses [2]

Did you write this for a CBEST essay? It is difficult to review your work for appropriate content and arguments when I do not have access to the original article. Please remember to post it next time so that I can do a more proper review of your work. A general review will be all I can provide for now.

Where did you get the information that the ages of 8-12 will be more suitable for the recommendation of the author who said college age would be best? Your paragraphs fail to properly utilize a topic sentence at the start and a transition sentence at the end to introduce the next topic. Overall, the essay suffers when comparing the facts of the article with the reasoning of the writer. Again, this is just an assumption on my part since you failed to include the original article for comparison purposes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: MIXED CHARTS ON EDUCATION IN SINGAPORE [3]

Rather than saying "According to", use the phrase "Based on" instead. It is more academic sounding since you are reporting in factual information. Good work on analyzing the bar chart in relation to the 12 year presentation. You used the correct estimation representation for that figure which shows a proper analysis of the given image and measurements.

There are time when a comma will be more effective than using the word "and" in a presentation. Remember that you are scored on proper punctuation mark usage so you get a better scoring consideration when you say; " This figure remained... until 2004 , slightly increasing to 9 ..." when compared to "... until 2004 and slightly increasing..."

Always assume the reader will not have access to the pie images. That is why you are being asked to consider a target audience for a written report. Never refer the reader to the present image as in: " As can be seen...". The idea is to have you describe the images academically, in a manner that will create a written report that can be easily visualized by the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: fast food availability [3]

The maximum word count for this Task 2 essay is 290 words. You have written 347 words and not paid attention to the correction of your errors in the presentation. I have seen errors in vocabulary usage, coherence, and cohesiveness within your paragraphs. While these are seen as minimal errors in your presentation, you can still expect to receive small scoring deductions in the appropriate rubic. That means, your essay will have a lower possible, rather than higher possible score.

The opening paraphrase is confusing. What does "primitive energy sources" have to do with food become cheaper and more accessible to people? Why are you referring to information that is not in the original prompt? A prompt restatement means you have to accurately use your own words to explain the original topic and discussion requirements. You cannot add or change the content to suit your perceived discussion needs. That is considered a prompt alteration and will have a direct effect on your TA score.

When you say that there are more demerits, then stick to the defense of that opinion. That means, you need to give 2 valid reasons that will prove how a perceived merit, is truly a demerit, within the same paragraph. The format should be:

Sentence 1: Merit
Sentence 2: Why is it a merit?
Sentence 3: Reason it is a demerit
Sentence 4: Evidence of demerit
Sentence 5: Explanation of demerit example

Use the correct formatting for the discussion so that you can pull down your word count and stay within the expected discussion presentation. The shorter and better explained the essay, the better your score. Stay within the minimum and maximum word requirement at all times.

Scholarship / CHEVENING LEADERSHIP ESSAY - Self Driven & Empathetic Leader (Need Input) [4]

There is a 500 word limit for this essay. You went over by 57 words. You will have to edit the paragraph content to help you meet the maximum word requirement. My review should be able to help you figure out which sections you can cut down in terms of content or shorter presentation requirements.

The first paragraph that you use to define yourself as a leader would be better served by the examples that you use in your leadership paragraphs. There is really no need to define what traits you believe a leader and influencer should have. The reviewer should come to that conclusion simply by reading the embodiment that you show in your essay.

The first paragraph only needs editing work to make the paragraph clearer and shorter. In the second paragraph, you can remove the first sentence without affecting the overall content of the paragraph. However, It is running too long. Try to shorten the presentation by summarizing the information in a manner that will still keep the essence of your presentation. Less focus on the employee and more on your encouragement instead that led to his eventual success. Keep it short. That is not properly focused on your ability as an influencer at this point.

The last line should be totally replaced. The extra definitions are not supported by professional experience. It is too late to include those references at that point. The reference to the network of leaders should not be included here either as that reference is better suited to the networking essay.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B [3]

You are presenting information from 4 pie charts. You must accurately identify the type of image and number of images when required to do so. You should also identify which is chart A and Chart B based on its positioning in the page. When mentioning the proportion, mention the measurement type as well to assist in the visualization of the proportion. It will help complete the summary overview and make it accurate in data presentation. Good work on the data presentation. However, you haven't really shown a wide range of punctuation mark usage in relation to your grammar range. It is limited to only an alternating of period and comma usage. Try to present more complex sentences that use a mix of a semi-colon, colon, among other punctuation marks,

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay about the Fashion Industry [3]

Do not mistake the maximum word count for the proper length of the essay. It is useless to write more than 600 words if your introduction to the actual subject will take more than 2 paragraphs to get to. You should aim to create an interesting hook. An introduction that will reel in the reviewer within the first 3 lines of your essay. Fail to reel him in with an interesting representation of your topic and you lose his interest. He may opt to move on to the next essay since he has a target reading quota per day. You do not want your essay to end up in the "till later" pile or worse, in the reject pile just because your essays are over descriptive. Hitting 300 to 500 words is still the more appropriate word count for these application essays. The faster and more interesting your method of presentation, the quicker your application can be considered.

Take this essay for example, the first paragraph and the stand alone sentence were trying to create an effect for the reviewer. However, there is no impact to the presentation so the reviewer could care less about what you think about fashion and what the problem with the fashion industry is. The third paragraph, where the action actually happens and the essay finds its actual direction, works great as the opening hook instead. It is informative and moves the essay forward in the discussion.

The rest of the essay actually works very well to depict your period of realization and maturity. It is a concept that is quite clear in the way that you received your epiphany as you scrolled through the site. However, I believe that you need to better build up what else connects with that realization for you. Your overwritten introductions had more thought thrown into it than your actual realization discussion. So, if you can remove the early part of the essay and focus more on the realization discussion, you should be in a better position to discuss the prompt requirement.

Writing Feedback / Advocated student groups - UT Austin supplemental - Diversity short answer [2]

You did very weel in the background section and the outside the classroom discussion. Your essay is missing the "in-classroom" presentation. Try to divide this into a 3 paragraph essay to balance out the presentation. That means you should format it in a manner similar to this:

1st: Background
2nd: Social setting
3rd: Relate the social to a classroom setting. Maybe discuss some gender studies classes you hope to study as electives, if it does not relate to your chosen major.

Don't lose sight of what the essay is truly asking for. Your active participation in both the social and academic scene based on a subject of personal interest to you. This is a timely topic and you have given a good presentation. It is just missing one element and that has forced the overall revision of the presentation so as to connect all 3 representations into an interrelated discussion.

Scholarship / Chevening - Leadership (Policy Development and Environmental Movement) [2]

There is a lack of clarity as to whether these are all amateur leadership and influencing experiences or, if these were accomplished on a professional basis. Do not use bullet points in your presentation. This is an essay, not a curriculum vitae. It is a written interview. Never use bullet points, never use bold letters for emphasis. It makes you appear as a braggart trying to over-impress the reviewer. Just be simple in your presentation. Discuss, never over emphasize. That will not be good for your application.

The narrative of your leadership and mentoring skills need to be more given more of a basis. The background of the competition and the imperative reasons for winning are never clear. You do appear to be a problem solver, however your approach to problem solving needs to be better represented as a part of your leadership skills. Remove the unnecessary references to leading from the back, middle, and front. Never tell, always show your leadership and influencing skills.

Use specific instances to prove your leadership and influencing abilities. Do not enumerate your skills as used within a series of departments. Leadership and influencing can be proven only when handling the most delicate, dire, or impossible situations. Your discussion does not do that. You are listing your work duties and responsibilities rather than discussing your leadership and influencing abilities in a relevant manner.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay. Job satisfaction versus job security, which one is more important? [3]

Kindly use a timer when writing your essay next time. Set it for 40 minutes. I believe that you will find yourself unable to write this many words when faced with a pressure time scenario. Focus on the development of an explanation within 3 reasoning paragraphs, of no more than 275-290 words.

Since this is an academic essay that tests your ability to clearly and properly restate the given question, avoid the use of rhetorical questions in the presentation, specially in the first paragraph of the presentation. You are not being asked to discuss the commonalities of the two aspects. You are being asked to differentiate between public opinions and give your opinion. It is that discussion instruction that should be reflected in that part of the presentation. Be as accurate as possible in representing the original topic and discussion instructions. Your TA score depends on it.

You are discussing the 2 public topics from a personal point of view. The proper approach is to use a public presentation and relevant pronouns. In the first reasoning paragraph, your irrelevant sentence presentations would count as the first sentence. What should have been a topic sentence did not really combine well with the reasoning presentation, thus creating a difficult to follow line of reasoning.

Truth be told, you are not explaining the reasons for the public points of view in the essay. You are not even referencing the original public topics in the presentation, which can pose a scoring problem for you. Additionally, this is only a 5 paragraph essay. You have written 6 paragraphs, which does not follow the expected format for this discussion.

My advice, is that you read the existing essays at this forum first. Read and learn from the mistakes from others. Specially if you are self-studying as made evident by the errors in this presentation. Do not just keep writing for the sake of writing. You need to learn to follow the format for each question type and also, provide the correct paragraph topic presentations in a manner that reflects either a 4 or 5 paragraph discussion, depending upon the discussion questions and formatting requirements as stated in the original prompt.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the causes and solutions of teenagers prefer socializing online to meeting in person [3]

Band scoring is not part of our basic free services. To include band scoring in the review, please consider our private or URGENT review services. Thank you.

Your reasoning paragraphs are over explained, You need not present 2 reasons with every paragraph. A simple 5 paragraph explanation of 1 effective reason is enough. You are supposed to be able to convince the examiner of your opinion based on quick, short, and understandable English explanations. You do not need to overwhelm him with information as you are not being asked to complete an academic research paper. This is only an academic opinion paper. Do not confuse the 2. The academic opinion paper can always be completed within 275-290 words. Use the 2 reasoning paragraph system to keep your word count in check.

Your concluding paragraph should not include new information for the discussion. Never continue the discussion at that point. Always summarize the discussion instead and complete the presentation within 40 words. If possible use 3 sentences to close the essay. Just restate the topic, the reasons, and your opinion. You are presenting too many grammar errors, the most marked of which is constant run on sentence usage, which will lead to the lower than expected scoring of your work.

Writing Feedback / SOME OF PARENTS AND STUDENTS THINK THAT THE CURRENT COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAMINATION SHOULD BE ABOLISHED [3]

In this case, there is a target word count, 300 words. You only wrote 289 words so the essay doesn't really achieve the presentation requirement. Your first paragraph opens with a tired English phrase. Avoid using the so-called memorized phrases in your presentations (In this day and age). These word fillers don't help you to create a better paragraph meaning. A direct topic sentence opening would have done a better job at doing that. There is only one perspective coming from you so do not use the plural form for the word in this presentation. Remove the word "these" in the last sentence and shift the reference to "the" instead.

Try to write a longer conclusion. Use about 40 words or 3 sentences for the conclusion just to help you practice writing a clearer concluding explanation. You can repeat the reasons for your opinion if you wish to. In fact, you should repeat your reasons, just to remind the reader of what the discussion was all about.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: The line graph compares 4 European nations in terms of the average carbon dioxide emissions [3]

Try to work on a more comprehensive summary. At least outline the names of the countries provided and the measurement used. These information can help the reader better understand and follow the report you are presenting. You should use the proper summary outline to help you gain a better TA score. While your presentation is acceptable, it could have been better.

The last 2 sentences of the first paragraph and the second paragraph presentation both follow the trending statement format. One of these have to change to a report format. You can only have one trending statement in the essay. It should not be located within 2 paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / In-class instructions and online learning. Which one suits you best? [2]

Is there a word count for this essay? It somehow feels like you stopped discussing the topic before you got to the really good part. I feel like the introduction to the topic is missing. The presentation seems to have started in the middle, discussing your opinion immediately instead of having a proper introduction paragraph first. Is this supposed to be a statement response or an essay? For a statement response, it is acceptable enough in terms of presentation format. For an opinion paper, it needs to have more words in it, at least 250 words.

The paragraphs have good reasons presented, but needs more explanation development per topic. Were you only asked to present topic sentences? You were not required to develop the explanations? Please provide the discussion instructions next time so that I can offer you a better review of your work. Oh, before I forget, let me just mention that you have errors in presentation clarity, relationship between paragraph presentations, academic word usage.

As an ESL student, you should be using simpler words for now. Don't use words like "previously" when "earlier" would be a better fit. Avoid the use of tired phrases like "Last but not the least" when a simple "finally" would be sufficient for the presentation. Avoid the use of contractions like "don't" (do not)

Scholarship / Skills with technology - Chevening scholarship - Leadership and influence essay [2]

There is no consequence for your positive actions, only positive results. Look up the meaning of the word you chose to use and you will understand why you chose the wrong word to describe what you accomplished. You chose to use a negative word when you were describing a positive event. The essay is too simple. It glosses over the leadership skills development that the reviewer will be interested in reading about. Do not make it sound so easy. You need to highlight your problem solving skills, mentoring abilities, and alertness when it comes to responding to stressful situations.

The leadership essay requires you to show you leadership and influencing skills, not simply tell. You are telling the facts of the matter with regards to leadership, but you are not telling the reader anything about how you function as a mentor or influencer. You have to revise the presentation to focus on both aspects of the essay requirements.

Explain your skills through actual examples. Expand on the narrative, skip the telling part and focus on the showing part instead.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Khushi Means Happiness [3]

The essay is way too long. You need to keep this within the 500 word count to keep the interest of the reviewer and, make sure that the story stays on track. There is too much attention paid to your grandfather at the start of the presentation. This unwarranted attention to your grandfather is what created the extra long, but not really relevant presentation paragraphs. You need to create more of a focused discussion on your relationship with your grandfather in a faster manner. You need to make sure that the essay focuses more on you than him in the presentation. The relationship aspect is a good way to discuss an event or realization. I would start this essay in the second paragraph instead. However, I would revise it to reflect the relationship you have with your grandfather. Just integrate the information from the first paragraph into the second. Pick the best information to provide a direct relationship reference. Pick which among the later paragraphs you can either delete or shorten for the presentation. You are really making the essay too wordy and run the risk of the reviewer losing interest by the end of the second paragraph. That, will not be good for your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Some cities have vehicle-free days, when private cars, trucks, motorcycles are banned [3]

Your second paragraph is under developed in terms of explanation. After you present an example, you should work on creating a supporting explanation that will allow you to tie together the first part of the paragraph with the example in a manner that is understandable to the reader. It has to create a convincing presentation going into the next paragraph. As of now, the second paragraph needs just an additional 2 sentences to accomplish that.

This is a 2 reasoning paragraph essay so your third reason is superfluous. The discussion format you were provided required only 2 reasons. Only the comparative discussion with a personal opinion requires a third paragraph presentation.

Your concluding paragraph should have at least 40 words in it. 3 sentences would be more than sufficient to properly recap and conclude the information from the essay. Yes, you wrote more than the required and maximum word count, but you did not use the words in the correct format so it hindered, rather than helped your presentation.

Scholarship / Those three chosen courses to build up my present capacity in interior design [2]

You speak of inspiration and reasons for choosing the courses at these universities. However, there is a failure on your part to justify your skills and learning foundation which will support your implied ability to complete any of these courses successfully. Remember, the prompt requires you to provide relevant undergraduate course learning and professional skills relevance in relation to your course choices. You only speak of how the courses can help you and what you are interested in learning. Which these information can help the essay, it is the professional and academic foundation that will most direct the analysis of the reviewer when it comes to your academic and professional qualifications for any of the provided courses.

You should revise the essay to include the academic and professional reference as I explained above. Additionally, you should mention if you have gotten an offer to attend any of the universities. Just to show the reviewer that you are serious about your application and that at least one university deems you qualified to attend your first course choice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Art classes, like painting and drawing, are not as important as other subjects [3]

The essay that you wrote does not respond in any way to the provided discussion question. Let's do a comparison below:

OQ: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: it might be a tricky question if the art classes are still essential at school.

Further creating a prompt deviation in your response is the following, irrelevant stand alone sentence:
In fact, I think we should keep these art classes and I will take this question into three aspects: personal interests, learning environment and education structure.

These prompt deviations will show the examiner that your answer is unrelated to the question or task. That means your TA score will automatically the second to the lowest score because the answer is not responsive to the task. You have just assured yourself of getting a failing score in the overall consideration. All because you failed in the most important scoring aspect of the presentation. The one related to English comprehension skills. You failed to understand the question and thus, failed to properly respond to it as well.

Scholarship / STUDY PLAN LANGUAGE GKS (BEFORE AND AFTER CAME TO KOREA) [3]

As a part of your preparing to study in Korea, reference that you are taking formal Hangul classes, and make sure to do it. It is should be the time to mention that you will have yourself assessed for language proficiency by taking the TOPIK test before you come to Korea. Mention that so that the reviewer will see that you are a serious language candidate. Do the same for the English language. Aim to take either the TOEFL or IELTS test before going to Korea so you will have a better assessment of your language skills that you can present to the university if needed.

Use a formal essay presentation instead of a sub-divided response presentation. This is a single page essay, not a statement response per section.

Scholarship / Leadership is more than just giving orders - Chevening Leadership Essays [2]

Your college leadership and influencing experience is too lightweight. It needs to be more specific. Why were you chosen to be the student leader? What difficulties did you face in relation to the competitions you participated in? How was this overcome? Did this result in successful competitions? Why do you think your legacy as a leader continues to inspire and influence the undergraduates?

Using the issue of late report submissions on a professional level does not really depict a leadership skill or influencing style. We need to have a presentation of actual team management and problem resolution. Simply saying that you made a suggestion for feedback and assessment brochures does not really work. It is too ineffective and not impressive as a leadership or influencing presentation on a professional level. You can safely remove that reference and not affect the overall presentation of the essay.

The road and bridge engineer position seems to be most useful for the leadership and influencing discussion. Expand on it. Explain the gravity of the disorganization and how it was holding back the project. Explain how you solved the situation and how the solutions you presented were accepted by the higher ups and why you felt the need to influence the rest of the team. Try to portray this problem as having a national impact so that you can try to reveal yourself as an up and coming national leader in the field of infrastructure in your country.

Try to revise the essay to come in within the 500 max word count. Currently, you are over by 6 words.

Scholarship / Studying in the UK Chevening Scholarships - Data science careers [2]

You are over the word count by 4 words. That is because you over expanded on the discussion of your third course. The overall essay has an imbalance of information presented because, while you did provide your professional background at the start, you failed to properly represent your undergraduate foundation that would be helpful or considerable towards making you a successful student in the chosen masters course. You did that too much for the third choice university. Balance it out. Provide the undergraduate foundation for each course. Let the educational background help support your application. Right now, your high interest in these courses are not balanced enough with your actual ability or potential to complete the course.

Graduate / Essay For Admission Into an Integrated Marketing Communications Program [2]

While I can understand why you presented the name of the author in the opening paragraph, the reviewer will not be impressed by the reference to the ideas, thoughts, and concepts of other people to help you explain your own points of view on the topic. Try to never mention anyone else in the essay. Keep the attention focused on you. Use your own thoughts and concepts. Simplify the explanation. Talk to a non-familiar person. How would you describe it to someone who has no idea what IMC is all about? That is how you respond to the first question properly. Give a personal definition.

The discussion of your future plans are not required in the presentation. It takes attention away from your work experiences and other required discussion points in the prompt. Do not mistake your future career plan presentation for a response to: How will this program help you to achieve your future professional goals? To answer that question, you need to consider what your future professional goals are, directly relating it to the course subjects and its relevance to your plans. You cannot present only your plans. There needs to be a direct connection involved.

You also failed to represent a response to the question: How will your background, identity and professional experiences help you co-create an inclusive and enriching learning experience with your classmates and faculty in the IMC program?

I apologize for not responding directly to your provided questions. As you can see, there are still response problems that you should work on to create a more responsive essay. Complete the response to the questions first, then you can worry about the presentation aspect.

Writing Feedback / How do you change the world [2]

You are not really responding to the question. You are giving what we call a non-response. A whitewash. An empty discussion that does not make any sense when one considers the topic you were given. You have to at least try and give an idea of how you would change the world. Pick an avenue to discuss. You could decide to change anything in the world. Pick one. Something of interest to you that you feel you can change for the better. This response is irrelevant to the discussion and will not get you a very good grade should you submit it to your teacher. The essay or statement needs to reflect that you at least tried to develop a response relevant to the discussion. That means, discussing anything, even if it is only changing the logo of Burger King or something. Give a direct response. I know you were trying to be analytical by delivering a "pondering" response. Unfortunately, you failed to do that successfully.

Scholarship / MasterCard Foundation Scholarship at University of Edinburgh about a chosen program [3]

The essay will be better served if you combine the first sentence with the second paragraph references instead. The opening paragraph, as it is currently presented does not help move the essay forward. It is not very relevant in terms of developing your prompt response. Using the second paragraph as the opening paragraph will work better. Yes, the word count will be reduced, but that is alright. You want to deliver an effective and clear response instead of the maximum word count. The rest of the essay is actually acceptable and effective enough to get your ideas across to the reviewer. It makes sense and that, is what really matters in this type of response. The proof that you have an in-depth understanding of what you want to do with your career after you graduate.

Writing Feedback / Printed newspapers in the future can be replaced [3]

You are being asked to consider a discussion point. You are not being asked to represent an argument. So the use of the word "Argument" to describe the topic is incorrect. Rather you could have said :

There has been considerable discussion regarding the future of newspapers or books. There is a belief that printed versions of these print media will become irrelevant as these will become readily available for free online in the future. I completely support this idea because of 2 reasons. First... Second...

If you add the discussion topic outline in the paraphrase, you will help to increase your overall TA score as you will provide a proper rephrasing of the topic, the correct reason for the discussion, your opinion, and the clear supporting reasons for your opinion. The 3-5 sentence format always benefits the exam taker in this part of the test.

Do not use word fillers such as "Firstly" and "Another reason". The coherence and cohesiveness of your discussion will be seen in the way that you use proper transition sentences and related topic sentences within succeeding paragraphs. You would also receive a better overall score when you properly summarize your previous discussions within the concluding summary. Use the 3-5 sentence presentation there also. It is better to have the long version of the conclusion, meaning a summary recap of the discussion, rather than a single run on that implies a new, but under developed opinion. That is a non-requirement in the presentation.

Undergraduate / WHY DAVIDSON COLLEGE? I've thought of several things and these really stood out to me [2]

The first paragraph is of an excessive length. Remove the reference to the major you have chosen to pursue at the university. Regardless of the double major, you must focus on the other aspects of the university that have become of interest to you. A general discussion of the academic curriculum would already provide the academic reasons for your choice of university. Do not include the DRI reference since you will be doing research in that section. Save it for a statement of purpose or motivation, if required. Expand on the Commission on Race and Slavery. Describe why this impressed you based on your experience with gender discrimination and bias. The community life is also important so you should avoid a generic presentation in that section. You have to show that you are truly familiar with the community talk about a specific event that you feel you can contribute greatly to instead.

Writing Feedback / DISCUSS: WHICH IS BETTER, DISTANCE LEARNING OR TRADITIONAL CLASSROOM? [4]

I am not sure why you are over writing in the Task 2 essay. You should be focusing on polishing your content instead of the word count. You see, when you write long essays, beyond the 275-290 words, there is a greater tendency for you to not be able to spot and correct your errors. In this essay, you have several spelling errors, unclear statements, and lexical resource issues. Having read your essay thoroughly, I believe that the reason you failed to spot the errors is that you thought writing a long essay would make up for the possible scoring errors. Nothing could be further from the truth. If your teacher is telling you to write more words to score better then your teacher is doing you a disservice. You need a teacher who will help you score better by considering the rubic sections and enhancing your capabilities in writing based on those scoring considerations.

You have an open ended essay. You cannot "conclude" an essay, which is a summary of the previous discussion, then present a personal opinion within the paragraph. You do not end up summarizing your discussion points at that point, you merely continue the discussion, and create an improper paragraph format in the process. The opinion should be a stand alone paragraph before the concluding summary.

Scholarship / Got several awards at school - Personal Statement (KGSP Undergraduate application) [2]

In the motivation portion, tie in the advances Korea has had in IT that you admire the most. Find an IT company that you are familiar with and explain how you look forward to getting an internship program there as a student. Describe how such an internship will help you further develop certain skills as an IT graduate. Focus on a specific accomplishment you want to have a student, based on the IT field in Korea.

Your discussion about your parents is incomplete. You should feature their professional backgrounds and the family life they have provided for you. It would be nice if you could discuss one or both parents as having inspired and supported your dreams of becoming an IT professional and studying abroad. Their influence and your respect for your parents will play an integral part in your response.

Your experience in the orphanage should be better developed. Figure out how you can use the information to highlight your skills as a potential student in a foreign country. Depict the skills you developed during this time that would prove your ability to live away from home, be resilient, and capable of handling stress under pressure, without cracking and requiring your parents help. Yes, discuss character building, but in a way that shows you are more than ready to become a foreign student in Korea.

The second and third time are not as impactful in the presentation as the time in the orphanage so you can skip that presentation paragraph. Delete it.

Never close this essay with "In conclusion", rather close it with a hopeful note. Thank the reviewer in an original way, Show your excitement at the potential of being considered for the scholarship. Close on a note that clearly indicates you are razor focused on completing your studies in Korea.

Research Papers / A New Era For e-Commerce - research paper [2]

Separate the introduction of Chris Walton. You have to first give his background, as a professional, what are his qualifications that led you to believe that he can be considered an authority figure on this topic? Aside from having written the article pre-pandemic? When you discuss his domino effect, do so in bullet points first, then, as sub-topics second. That will be easier for the reader to follow and will prevent the excessive length of a single paragraph presentation in the research paper.

Try to limit your use of references within the paragraphs. These in-text citations need to be less than 2 per paragraph. Try to be clearer about which is referenced material and which is your comment based on referenced material. That is no differentiation in your paragraph presentations. You claim to have used a social media poll in the later part of your research. You should mention that as a part of the information you will be referring to in the first paragraph. You must clearly refer to all the data you used for information gathering so that it will serve as a proper summary of your research presentation. The opening paragraph should be similar to your abstract in presentation style.

Research Papers / The Safety of Workers at Nuclear Power Plants [2]

The opening paragraph is a bit confusing to read. You should open that by focusing on the increasing demand for electricity, eliminating the first sentence reference to discussions about household technology. Instead, focus on the emerging technology of battery operated cars and solar / nuclear powered homes of the future. Do not make a factual claim at the end. Pose that as a hypothetical scenario that you want to prove.

The second paragraph should not stand alone. Merge that thought presentation into the opening paragraph instead. Focus the comparisons on the 2 most widely used and often accident prone types. That of the Coal and nuclear powered generators. Why? These are the best comparison discussions in relation to workers safety and health hazards. The coal power plant workers develop lung problems over time, the nuclear power plant workers develop cancer and other illness over time as well. So focusing on the comparison of the 2 sectors health hazards would work better and allow for a clearer discussion in your essay.

Scholarship / Leadership is People Development [3]

Nope. This is not a leadership and influencing essay that focuses on highlighting your current abilities and potential as a leader and influencer. The reviewer does not have any use for your high school reference. In fact, there is nothing in that presentation that shows leadership nor influencing abilities. You have mistaken the Chevening Leadership and Influencing essay for a personal statement, as if you were applying to college. That is your biggest mistake. That is what makes this essay irrelevant and assures that you will not make it past the screening round. Work on a more relevant leadership and influencing essay based on your professional experiences. Discuss work leadership experiences in relation to your potential as a national leader and influencer in the future. Right now, you do not have any impressive information in this essay. The content itself will disqualify you from further consideration.