Graduate / "Never stop learning, for when we stop learning, we stop growing" - SOP for business data analytics [3]

Okay, I have to say this is a well written paper. However, it does not focus on the purpose of your application but rather, the personal reasons you want to pursue masters studies. So you should set most of this information aside for your personal statement, if one is required by your university application documents. As of now, you will need to write up a new essay that focuses on the purpose of your masters studies. The focus is actually found in this essay but was not properly developed as you deviated into the personal statement aspect. The part that you can use as the basis of your purpose is as follows:

When I got the opportunity ...open up new vista's.

Explain what vistas you hope to uncover as a masters degree student. Create a connection between your undergraduate course, your current job requirements, and why learning all about Big Data or Data Analysis will help bring all of these things together to help you accomplish more in your profession. Your explanation should include a reference to any undergraduate background course, or seminars attended as a part of your current job that gave you a solid foundation and understanding of what Big Data is all about. More importantly, you need a definite purpose, not just new vistas, for your line of study.

There are several themes that need to be answered in this essay:
- Why Big Data?
- What is your professional goal? Is this a long or short term goal?
- How does the professional goal connect with the academic goal and reasons that you have?
- What do you hope to produce as the end result of your studies? Consider the professional and practical applications.
- Why this university? What training programs does the university have that convinced you that this is the university that can answer for your professional and academic requirements?

If you use the guide questions I provided, you should be able to develop a properly targeted statement of purpose that will be clear and informative when it comes to all the reviewer expectations.

Scholarship / KGSP undergraduate Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering [2]

Okay. There is a problem from the very start of your essay. The opening statement is an exaggeration. The reviewer will not believe that that you began researching chemotherapy at the age of 12, when most kids would still be interested in comic books and superheros. Do not exaggerate and never refer to an age lower than 15 for the development of your interest in a specific field. The opening information alone will be enough ti disregard your application. Why? Based on your opening statement, you should have been a child genius who was already completing medical school at that point and focusing on your specialty already which is, chemotherapy.

Remove the reference to your parent's separation and your not being touch with your father, that has nothing to do with the prompt requirements of the prompt and is also, way too much information for the reviewer to know about you on a personal basis. I have to stop you at this point. When you were asked about your family background, you were not being asked to write the soap opera of your life. You were only being asked about the professional background of your parents and what influence they had on your desire to pursue this undergraduate course. Life threats and other aspects of your personal life is a bit on the TMI side. Is there any possible way that you can refer to the positive influence of your father instead? Slowly fading him out of the essay as you progress with your essay? The reviewers aren't really going to pay too much attention to the drama of your life if it doesn't relate to an academic influence upon you.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2: Animal Extinctions - causes and solutions [4]

In truth, the way that you wrote the essay does not really offer clarity in the discussion. You are being asked for specific reasons and solutions. Yet, upon close scrutiny of your response paragraphs, there are only alleged reasons, without any underlying supporting statements. There are no examples to validate your proposed causes. That makes the presentation little developed, regardless of the reasons you proposed.

When indicating the cause, you should always include an example of what species was affected. For example, you could have said that incessant clearing of the forest and the burning of trees for urban development caused the Pandas to lose their natural habitat. That this act brought the species close to extinction. Further explain what effects these acts had on the Pandas that required their rescue and declaration as a protected species.

Such a developed explanation would have heavily supported your explanation that the government had to protect the species from extinction by breeding them and creating protected habitats. These are the perceived solutions to the immediate problem. The problem and example of the problem must related directly to your solutions because the coherence of the essay will rely on the connected discussion presentation from the first to the next paragraph.

I believe that your work is good but needs more clarity and coherence work. So I rate your work a 6 overall. Work on the coherence of the explanations so that you can increase your writing level and fall under a higher band score.

Writing Feedback / Opinion essay: the university is not better than a training center in the process of knowledge [4]

I wish you had provided more detailed instructions for your essay. I always need to know:
- The type of English practice you are writing for (IELTS, English classes, TOEFL, etc.)
- The original prompt you are responding to.

Normally, there are several types of prompts for a given essay. Which is why I find it difficult to advise a student sans the presentation of the original prompt. The most I can review is the grammar range of the student and that, is what I am going to give you now. Kindly provide the information I need next time. Thanks.

Spelling:
Center - Centre (UK spelling)

Punctuation:
Clauses require a comma: ... many documents, but ...

Phrase Clarity Requirement:
... in the process of knowledge acquisition - in knowledge acquisition

Avoid Contractions in Academic Writing:
don't - do not

This will have to do from my end for now. I can do a better job of reviewing your work when you provide the prompt. I hope to do that with your succeeding essays.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1: Plastic Bottle Production Process [2]

Ok. Let's go criteria by criteria on this one. Here we go!

TA - 6: You clearly understood and represented each step of the bottle making process. You were detailed in your description and never missed out on describing a single manufacturing process. It would have been better if you had summarized the 6 stage process in the overview as something similar to a trending statement.

C&C - 6: While there is an overall progression in your presentation, there are times when the coherence of the presentation is confusing to read. Specifically the 2nd sentence of the last paragraph.

LR - 6 : There are some instances when your word formation of usage is difficult to understand but the rest of the paragraph content helps to clarify what you are trying to say. The problem can be seen in *P3 : S4

GRA: 6: There are some grammar errors throughout the essay but these do not impede understanding of the paragraph. Try to improve on your simple and complex sentence mixes in the presentation to further increase the score.

* P = paragraph S = Sentence

Writing Feedback / TASK 1: Maps of the Olive Drive Area [2]

You did a wonderful job in the summary overview. However, you forgot to indicate which year represented the increase in the housing and retail establishments. Remember what I told you about the summary? It helps the reader develop an early mental picture of the report? That is why you need to indicate the year of the trend. So that the reader will be clear about the time frame they should take note of in the report.

I would have to say, if I were the one scoring this during an actual test, I would not score it below a 6. That is because you did a good job on presenting the information. From the overview, the comparison points, and the changes presented, it is clear that you thoroughly analyzed the presentation and worked on presenting it appropriately.

That said, you did have a few problem sentence presentations here and there but not that affected the excellent work that you did in the presentation. I would have to say that I had to pull back in scoring you only because the work you did was excellent for the beginner level. Try to aim for a more complicated presentation next time. Advanced vocabulary work would help, as well as more punctuation variations that are appropriate for the sentence presentation.

Overall, good work! I think you are ready for more advanced comparison tasks at this point.

Writing Feedback / Some students decide early in life to pursue vocational careers that involve cooking and baking. [3]

Never start a paraphrase with the phrase "It is true..." because that removes the objectivity of your essay presentation. You must simply restate the original clearly, without offering an opinion about what is right or wrong. However, you should give a measured response to the extent question. You provided a response that supported the idea, but did not really offer measurement of how strong that support is (strongly, totally, wholly are basic extend response examples).

You said that you support the idea that chefs should have a knowledge of the basic skills that can support their vocational career. However, you used Master Chef as an example. You claimed the competition teaches the contestants about cooking. While there are times that this is true, the so called master classes are not a part of an actual education. It is merely a tutorial for the contestants. So the justification for your discussion is incorrect and shows a disconnection between your response to the prompt question and the reasoning you are presenting.

Your reasoning is what will make you fail this test. The irrelevant discussion topics plus the grammatical errors in the essay which lead to a difficulty in understanding what you are trying to say will all combine to give you the lowest possible score for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Online communication platforms reach out across the globe and befriend others from different nations [3]

You did an acceptable job in the paraphrase section. The only problem that I have with it is that you still retained the original word geographical from the original. You could have used other words such as; international locations, topographical obstacles, and other similar references. Try your best to change all the keywords from the original to raise your LR score. The LR score is also based on your ability to use other reference terms to present the original information. The more alternative terms you use, the better your scoring possibility.

Next, you do not need to add an apostrophe after nations since you are referring to the plural form of the word "nation". There is no plural form for connectivity. The singular and plural form for the word are one and the same. I think you need to review your punctuation usage lessons in this case. Although it is a small error, it will still result in points deductions for your GRA score. Even a single mistake costs a small percentage point in the eyes of the examiner.

Your second paragraph deviated from the original topic of communication. You suddenly began discussing multimedia influence, which is not the same are the communication topic indicated in the original prompt. So you will only be scored for the paragraphs that properly relate to the original discussion. Word deductions will be made and appropriate percentages deducted. That means, your presentation may seem like it met the minimum word requirement but, after the deductions, your essay will have fallen short of the word requirement.

It is important that you always review your essay for prompt responsiveness. Make sure that all your paragraphs address the original prompt topic. The topic was about online communication. So your reference to What'sApp, Viber, etc. are correct and on topic. The next paragraph referring to the influence of music videos and the like, these are not part of the international communication being referred to in the original prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - Diagrams about the life of the salmons - from "fry" to the adult salmons [5]

You will be heavily penalized for not even trying to change the original topic presentation. It is too similar in word usage. In fact, you did not even change the words you used for the most part. You can see what I mean below:

Original: The diagrams below show the life cycle of a species of large fish called the salmon.
Your Version: The diagrams illustrate the life cycle of a species of large fish namely the salmon.

It is very clear that you did not change the original presentation enough to prove to the examiner that you can restate information in your own words. You are reliant on memorized phrases and/or cutting and pasting from the original to present your discussion topic. This will lower your TA and GRA score to a point where you may not pass the test.

The word "and" is a connecting word which cannot be used to start a sentence. As a connecting word, it should help to link the previous thought in the sentence to the next thought, in relation to a complete explanation or presentation in the sentence.

As there is a minimum 3 sentence requirement for the consideration of a complete paragraph, you should be presenting only a 3 paragraph report for the task. That helps to create a connected discussion picture for the reader and also, allows you to create a clear and coherent paragraph presentation. Again, this is advice I give students who wholly appreciate my line of teaching. This format that you used is based on other teaching styles so maybe you should be seeking advice about your work from them instead of from me.

Writing Feedback / Essay about teenage problems [3]

The first problem that heavily weighs down your essay is the lack of proper formatting. Your second paragraph is comprised of several discussion topics and reasons. All topics and reasoning discussions must be separated into topic paragraph presentations. Each new paragraph starting with a new topic sentence. By separating the paragraphs, the reader will not only find it easier to follow your discussion flow, but also give them a chance to fully understand what you are trying to say. Pauses between discussion points are imperative to the clarity of a presentation, hence the need for paragraph formatting.

The second problem is that your sentence development is not as clear as it should be. I am not sure if this is because you are misusing the vocabulary in the essay or, if you are just unfamiliar with sentence structures. It would be better if you practice creating English sentences via sentence fill in the blank exercises. That way you will be able to not only learn proper sentence structures and presentations, but you will also be able to develop your English vocabulary as you encounter new words during the exercises.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic 14, test 2: one of the biggest problems of our time is the loss of particular species [6]

While your discussion is acceptable. It is given from only a personal point of view or a general understanding of the situation. The reasoning format for the discussion should have been:

- Public group pronouns usage indicating that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals.
- Public group pronouns usage indicating that there are more important environmental problems.
- A first person comparison of the two reasons ending with an indication of which opinion you support.

The aforementioned format helps to increase your GRA score directly.

As this is a comparative discussion, you should indicate that your personal opinion will be based on a consideration of the 2 points of view / reasons. This is the statement that should be placed at the end of your prompt paraphrase,

The conclusion you made continued the discussion of the topic. It should have summarized the topic and opinions presented instead. Try to avoid using memorized phrases such as "In conclusion". That will not help your LR or GRA score. You could instead say:

-All things considered
- Based on the given....
- Finally,
- To bring the discussion full circle

Or variations thereof. Due to the error in the formatting and other considerations, mainly this being your first essay here, I will not score this essay. I will score the next one since I use the first essay to assess your strengths and weaknesses so I can properly guide you in the future. I hope to see your next essay soon.

Writing Feedback / The investments of many governments in the arts are pointless and should be reallocated elsewhere [3]

You presented solid reasoning paragraphs. Each paragraph has an applicable topic sentence, is well supported by the discussion, and has the convincing power to win over the reader to your side of the discussion. However, you are under representing your writing skills by not writing at least 275 words for this essay. I would like you to practice writing between 275-290 words. This is the magic word count that helps you write the proper number of words to score higher overall.

In this essay, you referenced his/her in the discussion. You should only pick one default gender reference for your presentation. The normally default gender is male for most countries so "his" would have been the more appropriate choice for this discussion. Always be decisive in your references, do not show uncertainty in your presentation as it could affect your grammar range and accuracy score.

The opening paragraph and closing summary should both be composed of 3-5 sentences. That means, you need to divide each discussion point in the presentation. One for each reason. Your final score should be anywhere from a 5.5 to a 6. I base this score on the accuracy of your discussion in relation to the prompt requirement, the errors in sentence presentations, and the development of your discussion points.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Teenage and adult life as the happiest time of lives [3]

The justification paragraphs are not properly formatted. While you did good work in referencing second person pronouns, you should not have attached a single liner personal opinion at the end. Your personal opinion should be presented in one of two formats:

1. As a strongly developed part of the public point of view discussion ;
2. As a separate paragraph composing the 3rd presentation in the essay.

It is always better to present that personal point of view as a stand alone paragraph so that you can clearly and completely support your point of view with valid reasons and example presentations. Based on the complete reading of your essay, it appears that you did not fully explain nor present your personal opinion. Since that completely developed presentation is missing, you will have a reduced score as you failed to completely develop all discussion points as indicated in the original prompt.

Writing Feedback / Essay about reasons and keys to recent situations of local attractions [5]

Your second and third paragraphs need more development. The second paragraph should focus on the reason why people from the country do not visit their own tourist destinations. You should not refer to the international tourists in that section. Just explain the reason why the locals don't go to that place. For clarity, use a specific example from your personal knowledge. That helps clarify your point in the paragraph.

The third paragraph, uses too many reasons without any solid justification. Just use one suggest solution. Fully explain your reason for this suggestion. Indicate what you base your suggestion on (example). Then support the example with information about how the local tourists came and helped the area become more popular among the citizens of the country.

Expanding on your explanations should help you better meet the word count and also, allow you to deliver completely developed paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: what do you think - are entertainers worth their fortune? [5]

Your prompt paraphrase is incorrect and incomplete. You did not use the proper information coming from the original prompt for your response. There are 2 questions being asked that require a direct response:

- Do you agree or disagree?
- Which other types of job should be highly paid?

So, the last 2 sentences should respond by saying:
- You disagree with the statement
- What additional jobs should be better paid

This essay may have up to 3 reasoning paragraphs covering:
- A discussion explaining why you disagree with the statement, transitioning into the additional jobs that need better pay
- Refer to a job, say a trash collector, whose job is difficult and dangerous, but he earns far less than the athlete who gets paid to have fun doing what he likes.

- Cite another job, say a housekeeper, whose job is to make sure that the celebrity lives in a clean home, has good food to eat, but gets paid a lowly per hour rate.

The clarity and defense of your explanation is based on how well you defend your stance. Your discussion regarding the other types of jobs does not accomplish that. You need to be job specific and reason specific within the discussion / reasoning presentation.

Scholarship / 3 examples of how to use knowledge and skills + Possible constrains - Master of Commerce AAS [3]

Do not waste character count by counting out your discussion topics. Simply start the discussion. The 3-4 paragraph format will already tell the reviewer that you have 3 topics presented. However, the weakness of this response is that you are showing only 1 problem overall. You should also have obstacles to overcome with the first 2 presentations. Your response will be stronger if you can explain how your skills and network can help you overcome the obstacles that might come your way. You should have a clear problem presentation for the networking presentation, offering an explanation as to how you will overcome it using your network.

Actually, I think what you should do is present the problem as a topic sentence, then explain how the skills and knowledge you will acquire will directly relate to solving the problem. That way, you clearly indicate 3 problems and 3 examples of how you will be using your new theoretical and practical knowledge to solve the issues.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: provide almost all young adults with access to tertiary education [2]

You did not need to include irrelevant information in the opening paraphrase. Use only the information located in the original prompt to retain the essence and subjectivity of the original presentation. To extend the response to the 5 sentence maximum, outline your 2 discussion topics after you present your extent opinion in the paragraph. That will help you score better because you will prove your ability to properly restate the prompt and also, outline your discussion points in a manner that helps the reader understand the flow of the presentation (cohesiveness).

In paragraph 2, you should have stopped after the justification of how the increased number of schools in smaller cities has helped increase student attendance. The topic of food, utilities and rent was not developed and as such, created a problem in the presentation. You were not able to justify that evidence presentation. So the paragraph became under developed and under explained. Without that extra topic, the paragraph was fully developed.

As for the 3rd paragraph, you should not have said that you are looking at the other side of the problem because you were still focused on the same evidentiary discussion. That of proving your point of view to be correct. That opening presentation in the 3rd paragraph threw the presentation off and would have affected the C&C score of your essay. To say you are looking at the other side of the problem means you will be presenting a opposing point of view discussion, which isn't what you did in that paragraph.

Good job on creating a concluding summary. Bad job in the discussion presentation. Do not use a run-on sentence. You need to present it in individualized sentences with one topic per sentence. You still need to meet the 3-5 sentence requirement for that paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Employment Rates of four Countries (bar graph) [5]

Hi, I was instructed by the powers that be at this forum to give you a free second advice because of your kind words and decision. So, here I am, reviewing your work again. I won't delve into the paragraph stuff anymore as I have already pointed that out to you. I'll focus on something else instead for your review.

Let me explain to you why the 3 paragraph format works better. It all relates to the conciseness and coherence of your paragraph. In the overview, the information should create an imaginable picture of the chart. So, when you indicate the summarized representation of the information, the reader ends the paragraph knowing how the data report is going to be presented. The trending statement should only be presented to indicate the most obvious information in the chart that will not fit anywhere else in the presentation. That is because the trend is not as analyzed in content as the remaining 2 paragraphs. In this presentation, the clear trending statement is:

Overall, all numbers of men workers were more than of women with Finland and Norway having the least gender gaps.

That last sentence works as the transition from paragraph 1 to paragraph 2. The next paragraph should start with a topic sentence that leads into an informative data presentation. So the topic sentence, which will connect paragraph 1 and 2 is:

Norway had the biggest combined workforce

Then all of the information regarding Norway digits should have been included in that paragraph. That will create a clear information presentation and a coherent paragraph as the information is connected to one another, leading into the next discussion topic. It shows a proper analytical presentation that indicates figures that can be turned into a mental picture, this allowing the reader a better understanding of the data presented.

I am really uncomfortable with you writing more than 190 words. Mostly because you have a good analytical skill, but your presentation needs work. More editing to create a cohesive presentation, more grammar review so you can spot the simple grammar errors. You need at least 5 minutes to try to perfect your presentation. Writing over 200 words could prevent you from doing that within 20 minutes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Employment Rates of four Countries (bar graph) [5]

As you have indicated that you are using a format specific to 2 other competitor websites, you must have your essay checked there instead of here at EF. I teach the students based on my own method, which has proven highly successful for the exam takers at this forum. I will also be refraining from giving you advice as a contributor since you will not be able to learn how to write properly due to the number of teachers you are using. You will only end up confusing yourself if you try to combine all the formats being taught. You will end up frustrated and unable to decide on a proper essay writing approach. I dislike confusing any student so I will not be a party to your confusion from this point on.

You should only have one teacher so that you can develop a proper writing style. I will remove myself from that equation. However, you are welcome to keep posting at this forum so you can receive comments from other student users. It is only because you are asking me to review and scoring your work based on other people's teaching styles that I cannot be of help to you. You should approach those teachers for scoring and advice instead.

Writing Feedback / How has technology improved our daily lives? [2]

The format you followed for this writing isn't one of a Task 2 essay. Did you write this as a simple English essay writing exercise? I need to know what type of essay you are writing so that i can give you relevant formatting and content advice. Without it, I can only check the grammar issues of your paper. Kindly provide that next time. Thanks.

Verb form after the helping verb is incorrect:
- ... we can searching for information - ... we can search for...

Incorrect verb phrase:
... and it having improved - and has improved our ...

Comma requirement:
Technology has changed everything and - ... everything , and

These are but some of the errors that I found in your paper. There are more but I would have to rewrite your whole essay to correct it all.

Writing Feedback / Statistics of people who used Internet among the USA, Canada and Mexico citizens (1999-2009) [2]

You have an acceptable presentation. All the facts are there and the essay can be considered informative for something written in 20 minutes. That said, there are still several points you should consider improving on to increase your scoring potential.

For the summary overview, you would have scored better if you had used 4 sentences indicating:
- Topic
- Countries listed
- Method of measurement
- Trending statement

Since the sentence requirement is 3-5 per paragraph, covering 3 paragraphs, you should focus on making sure that you increase your presentation length, sticking with the suggested format and word requirement, to help increase your overall score.

In 2001, there was an intersecting population of users for Canada and the USA. Such a comparison point would be highly useful in proving your advanced writing skills and your ability to truly analyze a given image for pertinent information. This is a simple addition to your work but it would have helped with your TA score in a tremendous manner.

You cannot start a sentence with "and" which is is a conjunction used to coordinate related words, sentences, or clauses in a sentence presentation. It cannot be used after a period. However, it can be used before a period, after a comma that will indicate a pause between two related sentences.

While formatting errors exist in your essay, the thought process and presentation remains clear to the reader. The errors are not so bad that the reader cannot understand your work. The presentation uses simple sentence presentations which helped with the clarity of your work. You might want to try for more complex sentence presentations in the future, with additional punctuation mark usage.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Test 2 Part 2 Book 14 Cambridge: Environmental Problems [2]

There are several environmental prompts for the Task 2 test. Without a specific reference to the correct prompt, I cannot review your essay for accuracy and other considerations. Kindly remember to provide that the next time you post an essay for review here. What I can provide you with at this point, is a general review of your work.

Singular - Plural Issues:
If the fox (singular) are (plural) extinct - If the fox (singular) is (singular) extinct

Word Choice Errors:
... leading to the lost of... - leading to the loss of...

Incorrect use of similar words that are used differently:
... the amount of animals... - the number of animals...

Contractions are never used in academic writing:
It's - It is

These are the most score affecting errors in your presentation. There are also grammatical issues in your presentation but you should focus on learning more about the errors related to grammar rules first.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: BOTH VIEW - Some people say that there is no need to go the Cinema [2]

You may want to reconsider your word count for the Task 2 essay. As you are required to proof read and clean up your presentation, you should scale back your writing. Producing a discusussion covering 275-290 words will suffice. If your English language writing skills are good, you should be able to clearly explain everything within 3-5 sentences. You don't need to over discuss. Rather, you should provide a target discussion per reasoning paragraph starting with your topic sentence.

This is a 3 paragraph essay. 2 of which should be based on an explanation of a public opinion based on the reference in the original prompt to "some people" and "others". Those terms represent a public point of view that requires individual paragraph discussions based on the related reasons. Your personal opinion comes after and should be based upon support for one of the two public points of view. You are not to present a personal opinion immediately This is the basic format for this discussion. There is a more advanced way of writing it but I believe you are not yet ready to use that format at this point. So I will not suggest it.

Do not use too many reasons in your paragraphs. One or two connected discussion points will suffice. At this point, your essay has an over presentation of reasons. Reasons that are not fully explained and developed in each paragraph. Simply delivering reasons, without proper explanations and examples, does not create a clear and coherent presentation on your part.

Writing Feedback / The table below shows the percentage of the population by age groups in one town who rode bicyles [3]

We cannot properly review your essay because there is no image attached to it. I cannot review your work for data presentation requirements and other data requirements. You did not include instructions for the discussion, which makes it more difficult to review your work. Due to the lack of instructions, I can only do a general review of your presentation.

Your essay is one word under the word count. That means, you will receive a penalty for that single missing word. Always aim to write between 175-190 words. That will allow you to increase your scoring potential while avoiding making too many presentation errors that can affect your individual scoring sections, resulting in a lower overall score.

Try to write clear sentences by using appropriate punctuation marks, in the following presentation, you need to place a comma between the words male and female. While it clears the topic of the presentation, it also helps to add to your GRA scoring consideration.

- By contrast, males , and females in the group...

As this essay stands, it cannot get a passing score. Not a 5 or anywhere near it due to other sentence structure errors, of which there are too many to post in this response.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices is wrong [2]

The prompt requires you to discuss both views and give your opinion. There is no clarity in reference to the opinions being presented in this essay. As a 3 paragraph essay, you should have clearly presented an opinion after discussing the 2 public points of view. As such, you have failed to completely address the task. You did not provide a clear personal opinion within the discussion paragraphs.

Since your essay is lacking in proper reference elements ( first and second pronoun usage) that could have clarified the discussion points, I will not score this essay for now. This is your first attempt at task 2 writing. It will not be fair for me to give you a low score when you have yet to familiarize yourself with the discussion presentations. I should only score you after you have become more familiar with the discussion requirements and presentation process. I will do that next time.

In the meantime, familiarize yourself with the discussion formats for the task 2 essay. Brush up on your language skills to add to your English proficiency in terms of sentence presentations. Once I see that you are more on track with the essay discussion instructions, I will begin scoring your presentations.

Writing Feedback / Explain the main causes and effects of childhood obesity, and sugesst some possible solutions. [3]

You are not properly developing your paragraphs. You need to use related information from topic to topic per paragraph. That means, If you start the topic off with food, then all of the succeeding information must related to that topic within the paragraph. That is what will create a coherent and cohesive presentation for that paragraph discussion.

By the way, you reference food in the essay. However, what you referred to in the discussion is junk or fast food. You must be specific about the type of food consumed because there are healthy food sources and there are bad food sources. You are referring to the latter so you should identify it as such within the discussion topic presentation for that paragraph.

You cannot balance the portion of cholesterol in the blood. However, you can control your cholesterol intake by consuming healthy food that counters the cholesterol produced by other foods in the body. That said, there was no need to present that reference in the discussion paragraph. All references to physical activity already made the discussion paragraph well informed. You bungled the presentation by adding cholesterol to the discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Book 10 Test 3 Task 2- more similarities between different countries [3]

There are 2 errors in your opening statement:
- Lack of paraphrase for the phrase " the same products anywhere in the world" (paraphrase: worldwide, locally, everywhere)
- There is no need for an extent response as it is not required by the original prompt.

You stayed on point with your reasoning paragraphs. You were focused on defending your opinion using valid examples, reasons, and supporting information from your personal knowledge and experience. However, the discussions were still under developed because you used 2 topics per paragraph. Only the first topic was fully developed in each presentation. That would have caused points deductions on your part in an actual test.

There are several spelling and grammar errors in your presentation but these did not prevent the clarity of your discussion from coming through. Your conclusion is a run on sentence. Please divide the conclusion into 3 - 5 sentences that summarize the previous discussion points based on topic, reason, and your response to the question.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Book 10 Test 3 Task 1 - Charts about the destination of UK graduates and postgraduates in 2008 [3]

You did not outline the sectors being measured in the graphs within the summary overview. These sectors will help the reader create a mental picture of what it is that you are going to be reporting. Always provide a complete run-down of all the information provided. It helps deliver the idea that you have appropriately reviewed the image provided.

Always provide the trending statement as a part of the summary overview so that you can present a completely formatted (3-5 sentence) paragraph for the examiner's consideration. While the trending statement may be placed anywhere within the essay, it is most effective as a grading booster if it is placed within the first paragraph as that is the part of the report that allows the reader to have a summarized presentation of the overall report. It also helps you properly format the paper within the 3 paragraph requirement of the Task 1 essay.

Make it a habit to always review your work for possible errors prior to your submitting the paper. Always look out for spelling and grammar errors.

Spelling:
gradustes - graduates
vlountary - voluntary

Such simple spelling errors will result in point deductions under the LR scoring section.

You should also work on showing a proper range of grammatical expertise by using proper punctuation marks within the essay:
- 17000 and 16000, respectively

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2_ Avantages and Disadvantages of owning a smartphone. [3]

The more appropriate number of words for the Task 2 essay is 275-290 words. An essay written within that word count indicates that the writer was more focused on delivering a clear explanation, within the quickest possible time, so that he could begin working on perfecting the content of his essay. Writing any more than that range of words means that you do not really care about the quality and clarity of your work. Your lack of care shows in your work.

The first paragraph is a paraphrase of the original content / prompt. That means, you should have anywhere within 3-5 sentences presented there. You only have 2 sentences that skips over the important discussion points from the original presentation. Your paraphrase is incomplete. That lack of information will affect your TA score as you have not completely developed the discussion presentation in that paragraph.

While you should be presenting at least 2 discussion topics per paragraph, the problem with your presentation is that the second topic in the paragraph is always under developed and little detailed. That is because it is not a reason that directly relates to the previous reason given. For cohesive purposes, you should present 2 topics in one paragraph that support one another discussion wise so that the paragraph becomes completely developed.

The concluding paragraph should never be a single sentence long. You must present it in a manner similar to the opening paraphrase. The paragraph must have 3-5 sentences that represents the restatement of the topic, your discussion reason and evidence, and closing opinion. That is a properly developed discussion summary.

Writing Feedback / The use of mobile phone is as antisocial as smoking. Mobile phone should be banned like smoking? [3]

While your response is correct, your reasoning paragraph could have been better. When asked to give an extent response, the reasoning paragraphs always score better when you follow the format below:

Reasoning 1: General opinion discussion that integrates a personal opinion
Reasoning 2: Supporting example discussion based upon your personal experience and/or knowledge

By using the above format, your essay provides a clear discussion that balances the public and personal point of view. The personal example in support of your opinion helps to add clarity & cohesiveness to your presentation.

While the essay does have several grammatical errors, these do not hamper the understanding of your explanation. However, you need to use a uniform time reference point. For this essay, you should be using the present tense reference as you are discussing events as you know it to be happening in real time.

The conclusion requires more appropriate information. That means, you have to restate the topic, your reasons, and the degree of your dis/agreement as a recap of the discussion.

Letters / Make an enquiry (formal letter) - looking for a garment manufacturer [3]

The letter is one form of the Task 1 test. Therefore, it falls under the same word requirement of a minimum of 150 words, no more than 190 words in total. Based on that requirement, there may be a problem with your achieving a passing test using this letter. It will be deemed improperly formatted and lacking in content. Due to the lack of instructions from you regarding how this letter should be written, I cannot assess the points for improvement and other possible problem areas in your writing. I should be able to do that next time, provided you give me a copy of the writing instructions. As of now, I will not proceed with any other review of your work as it already failed the basic requirement under the word count.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Globalization has both advantages (economy) and disadvantages (diseases) [4]

There is something incorrect about the prompt you presented. A comparative or advantage disadvantage essay is never paired with a personal opinion presentation. The personal opinion is, by regular standards, always part of a public opinion comparative discussion of 2 separate points of view. I do not believe that this is the correct prompt for this essay. You created your own prompt, which is not in accordance with the regular IELTS essay requirements. Do not create your own prompts for this task, you should only be using the proper and advised practice prompts.

Based on this discussion instruction though, I can tell you that you are not supposed to give an opinion within the prompt restatement. The opinion is not given in that portion because the personal point of view is based on the strength of your belief in the reasoning of the comparative discussion. As such, you first need to discuss both the advantage and disadvantage, creating a personal opinion as a 3rd to the last paragraph. Your presentation comes across as a generalized discussion that does not have a personal point of view presented. This is due to the lack of 1st person pronoun usage throughout the essay. Discuss both views should have had group pronoun usage of the 2nd reference kind to show the differences in discussion presentations of the advantage and disadvantage before your personal point of view.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Business and marketing, promotion funds (which makes people buy their products) [4]

You are over estimating your writing skills. The advisable number of words to write for this task is 275-290 words. You see, there is such a thing as over explanation. When you try to explain too much, you end up creating forced errors within your writing that could be avoided by simply writing well, using less words and focusing on the editing and perfecting of the presentation. A long essay, though impressive in terms of typing skill, does not do much for you in a test that requires analysis and clear explanations.

Your paragraphs should only be composed of :
- 1 paraphrase + response
- 2 reasoning paragraphs
- 1 concluding summary of the previous discussion topic sentences

While you did a good job in responding to the question, your explanation is a bit too cluttered for the examiner. You just need to present 3-5 sentences that clearly explains your point through:

- A topic sentence
- A reason for your topic sentence
- An example to support the reason
- An additional supporting sentence

That is all you need to score well. Clarity will help you score higher as that is one the scoring requirements. Word length isn't part of the scoring considerations. Good work in the discussion but, like I said, you have a few forced errors that could have been spotted if had focused on cleaning up the presentation instead.

Spelling:
preservance - perseverance

Clarity - Simple words work best in certain instances. Sometimes, simple words can help with your LR + C&C score far better than complicated / advanced words.

... should be assisted with funds... - should be helped with..
... small enterprises encounter various... - ... enterprises meet...
Even when local entrepreneurs maintain their perseverance - ... entrepreneurs persevere...

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay (Task 2): Positive & Negative Effects of IT [2]

You changed the prompt discussion instruction so this essay clearly does not meet the prompt discussion requirements. As you can see from the outline below, your mistake in understanding the discussion reason and discussion instruction is what created this problem.

Discussion Topic: In the last 20 years there have been significant developments in the field of information technology (IT)
Discussion Reason: these developments in IT are likely to have more negative effects than positive in the future
Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree with this view?

Your version was:
Discussion Topic: Information technology (IT) is arguably one of the fields that has seen the biggest change in the last two decades.
Discussion Reason: While both future technologies would offer great advantages to society, they are also predicted to have more drawbacks.
Question Response: This essay will explore both the positive effects and negative effects of the future IT development, specifically with the implementation of AI and Automation.

Your essay focuses on the wrong aspect of the discussion. AI is not the focus, the focus is on the rising negative effects of IT in the future. The response was to have to explain the extent of your agreement with the point of view. Funny, I believe that the instruction is for you to show your extent of agreement or disagreement, whatever. Regardless, your response is totally wring. Your discussion slant is incorrect. It does not follow the provided instructions and discussion topic focus. This is not an essay that will get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY (task 2). bad news vs positive news [3]

Your prompt restatement fails to present an understandable idea or representation of the original prompt. This is the most problematic part of your essay that will gain it a score of 1. While your response is properly formatted, the paraphrasing is unclear and does not deliver an explanation that is understandable to the reader.

The rest of the response paragraphs suffer the same problem. Each paragraph is confusing to read. You not capable of developing cohesive ideas. You lack proper sentence structuring which proves that you do not have any organizational control over your thought process and writing (in English). This is clearly seen because you have a problem with controlling your word usage within sentences.

The essay is not going to get a passing score mainly because the total presentation is incomprehensible. You need to better build your vocabulary and devote more time to simple sentence skills development first.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Employment Rates of South Korea (line graph) [4]

Before I get started, I would to caution you against using any online grammar checker. These are not effective in detecting grammatical errors, neither are these capable of examining your work in the manner that an actual examiner may. Only a human being can do that. So using any grammar checker is not going to be good for you. Simply correcting grammar, without the advise of a human on the other end, will not be useful to you. Anybody who advises the use of a grammar checker is probably being paid by that company to advertise their service, which is not allowed at this forum and anybody who does that, automatically gets banned from using this forum.

Whoever advises the use of a grammar checker does not have your best interests at heart.

Your summary overview is short by 1 sentences. It does not list the areas being measured. It is because of that missing list that your paragraph does not meet the sentence requirement. Aside from the missing information though, the overview is complete enough. In other words, it is good, but can be better. Additionally, the task 1 essay is composed of no more than 3 paragraphs. So you need to learn to say more using less words. Compress your report via comparisons, and shortened information listings. The trending statement should be the last sentence of the summary overview. It is only 1 sentence, not a whole paragraph unto itself.

You have too many run - on sentences in your presentation. You have to utilize the full stop more so that you can create proper comparison sentences and information listings. If you want to score better in the GRA section, show that you can also use other punctuation marks other than the period and comma. Use a semi-colon, a parenthesis, percentage marks, among other punctuation marks you can use in each paragraph.

There are some problem sentence presentations but these do not create a problem in understanding what you are saying. The main problem, is that you are not separating your information presentations, which make it difficult to follow your train of thought and explanation. Based on these observations, I will give you a score of 5. I base this score on the following information:

- The essay is clear but the presentations could use further development.
- There is no comparison presentation for the overlapping information in the chart
- You appear to have 2 trending statements when there should only be one.
- There is a problem with the sentence count and structure that affects the paragraph formatting overall.

Essays / Concerning Chevening personal statement/essay - essays written separately 500 words each? [4]

Those essays are written separately. Each essay has a maximum of 500 words. You are to write prompt specific responses for every topic provided. Do not write an essay that tries to cover all prompts within 1 statement. The reviewer reads the essays separately per applicant. It is important that you understand each prompt and supply the required information.

For leadership: Do this within a workplace context, not within an undergraduate context. Depict a workplace scenario where your leadership was required or came to fore because of a certain situation.

For networking: Explain the importance of the Chevening network within your current profession and how it can be useful to you. Add notes on how you plan to promote Chevening after you graduate within your country.

University and course choices: Focus on each university separately, along with its separate courses. Do not use one combined statement for the course and university choice. Indicate your first, second, and third university choices. Just discuss the universities in order of priority, You do not need to indicate your priority, second, and third choices.

For Career plan: Explain your post studies plan. How do you plan to use your knowledge in the workplace? What future career prospects do you have as a masters and Chevening graduate?

These guidelines are basic and will help you create a targeted draft of your response essays. Don't forget to come back to this forum when you are done. Post the essays in individual threads for my review. I can guide you with your application until you submit your essays. I've helped a tremendous number of Chevening applicants over the years win their scholarships or, at the very least, get shortlisted for acceptance. You can trust in my reviews, comments, and revision advice.

Letters / Email Admission officers to update English Language Test Results [2]

Please, avoid using exclamation points in your formal inquiry letters. Use only periods, question marks, commas, and other non surprising punctuation marks. Exclamation points remove the formality of your letter. Additionally, the thank you reference should be placed at the end of the total letter. It is not advisable for you to refer to the college as your dream school, first choice, priority option, or otherwise. The person receiving your letter really does not care about that. However, you can ask for an update regarding your application as you are considering all your available options for your education. Never make it seem like if you don't get into this school, your educational career will come to a pause. Do not be redundant with your thanks. Just place it at the very end, once.

As for the results of your English language test results, you can indicate that you hope the additional information will be useful in the consideration of your admission to the school. Your letter actually sounds a bit too excited to be considered formal but that is understandable. Try to tone it down and, like I said, don't use exclamation points anywhere in the letter.

Writing Feedback / Walking tour in the mountains - Explain why you're interested, ask other related questions [2]

Truth be told, the letter that you wrote is not effective because, even though it hits all the required content marks, it does not show your writing abilities in the true sense. You are not writing in complete paragraphs. 2-3 paragraphs are required for this letter, 3-5 sentences each. You have a problem using connecting words to add clarity to your statements, and your formatting all wrong. You are using a poetical format / stanza format when you should be writing complete sentences in proper paragraph form. This is not an essay that could score highly because:

- You wrote only the minimum number of words
- Your sentences are not very clear in terms of meaning
- The format is not in paragraph form.

You are also using Latin terms (ergo) in a letter that should be business like or semi-casual in presentation.

Writing Feedback / Some countries has spent a number of money on building new railway lines for very fast trains [2]

Good work on properly restating the discussion instructions for this essay. Bad job on your prompt restatement. You have not changed the key phrase words from the original presentation. These words, that you failed to replace in the discussion you created are:

- new railway lines for very fast trains.
- on improving existing public transport

Your failure to replace this total phrase presentation will affect your LR score because you are showing a limited range of vocabulary and an ability to write only in memorized phrases and words. Possible phrase replacements would have been:

- high speed trains, bullet trains, modern speed trains, flash trains, among others
- currently used people carriers, existing conveyances, people movers, among others

Using alternative words from the original is a must for the LR score of your essay. The range of alternative words that you know would have shown that you are well versed or familiar with advanced or other English words. The way you used the original words, it doesn't help your score.

You also did not any second person / group pronouns in the essay to indicate that you are considering the public discussion reasons as opposed to considering only your personal opinion of each topic. Only the 3rd paragraph should be presented using first person pronouns in justification of your opinion that supports one of the two public presentations.

Clearly separate the discussion topics through the use of first person pronouns. It will not lose any points nor will it remove the objectivity of your presentation as you are showing an analysis of the given opinion through your writing and eventual personal opinion creation. Objectivity does not come from using the proper pronouns which are scored under the GRA considerations. Objectivity is part of the C&C section which requires your to show the clarity of your discussion via proper referencing of the discussion points using proper sentence structuring. That means, your personal opinion needs to be a standalone paragraph, before the concluding statement.