Writing Feedback / Movies & TV affect people. 'Vietnamese man who hasn't gone to other countries' [9]


Try direct speech. You can express ideas much clearer and effectively when you write in direct speech, not passive;
First of all, people can gain a lot of knowledge by watching television.


....aid? what sort of aid? This sentence is not very clear to the reader as to what you mean by that :(
Secondly, the Television keeps ourselves inspired.

Writing Feedback / Toefl- The qualities of a good neighbor - should be sociable and helpful [3]


Having good neighbors is a great blessing.


How you live is not really relevant to this topic. Always keep your writing aligned with what your prompt suggests. Now introduce the background of the issue by paraphrasing the prompt. In my view, the above sentence should be removed from the intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: with increasing use of computers, letters writing will disappear [5]

Personally, I do not agree with this opinion.


Good introduction. It contains the necessary parts - Hook, background of the issue and the thesis statement (your opinon)

Admittedly, as mobile phones and computers are becoming increasingly powerful and intelligent,they can provide many advantages into our ways of communication.
Well.... you expressed this opinion already in the introduction. In the body paras, start justifying your opinion. So, you should have started this para with the second sentence :)

Writing Feedback / Human cloning should remain banned. [5]


.... "human cloning" gets repeated too soon and I think you need to improve the presentation of your ideas too.... the latter part tends to make the reader confused;

To begin with, human cloning should be considered as illegal because it is against religious ethics. (now explain how religion rejects the human cloning)
Furthermore, human cloning has also negative influences inon economy because of its high expensesanddue to increase in population increase

Letters / Motivation letter for Glion; my interest in studying MBA program in GIHE [3]

Combine these two paras. First tell what your goals are and then tell how this program and the features of the uni help you achieve them. You need to link the two ideas. All what they want to know is that whether you make use of their course for achieving your goals, be them short or long term. So you need to bridge the two ideas and tell them how you are going to benefit from the program.

Writing Feedback / International student from an emerging market economy; course essay [8]


Being an international student who comes from an emerging market economic environment, I strongly believe I can add lots of value to this program as well as to its student group by sharing my experiences and knowledge with others.


Well, it is important for us to know on what theme you need to prepare your essay. If you mentioned that, may be we could have provided you with more meaningful feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Canadian students graduated; 3 pharagraphs [6]

You follow a good structure :)


Actually , growth is an inference from the graph. In the introduction, simply say what the graph presents;
The line graph provides information about male and female graduates in Canada from 1992 to 2007.


Overview should not contain data and details. They should move into the body paras(detailed paras) Here you should give the most obvious trend/ trends very briefly. For example;

Overall, both male and female graduates have grown in their numbers and the number of female graduates have always been higher than male graduates throughout the period under review.

Writing Feedback / higher price of petrol vs traffic and pollution; 'odd-even traffic restrictions' [3]


Do not narrow down the scope of your topic in the introduction and try to introduce it to the reader in its original sense. You should support your justifications and reasons in the body paras with examples and such examples (Beijing, Shanghai) should move into your body paras. Follow this approach for your intro;

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Findland Telephone calls [10]

Ok, I too got a link for you. Try this: quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/how-to-use-a-hyphen?page= all

By the way, when are you taking up the exam? I think you have already done good amount of practicing here too.... Hope they all, including our feedbacks, would help you at the exam. Wish you good luck at IELTS! Once you get results, let us know ! Good Luck again!

Writing Feedback / [ESSAY] How people's food choices are a reflection of large values they hold? [5]


.... Ok, let's see whether I can help you with this task :D


Food is a fundamental aspect of our own existence. ....hook
Now let's connect that to your main theme;
However, when it comes to food choices, they all depend on the values that people place on food.

Writing Feedback / 'computers & gadgets' - Modern forms of communicate with people [4]


This is a poor sentence to begin your essay. It does not deliver a meaningful idea and also it is not grammatically correct either.


You are asked this question;


Tell whether you agree or disagree or even take a moderate stance. You should do that before you conclude your introduction.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL) have phones and internet made our personal relationships decreased? [6]

First of all, phones and the internet providesprovideeffective services fit for for communication. Calls, text messages, sns.. etc. give it gives variationsvarying options for us to make have ourselves moreinteractive to our comtemporarieseasily connected with our loved ones.


These high tech solutions help us maintain our relationships soundly despite of time or geographical barriers.

Research Papers / Rough Draft- research paper; "Granted Education" [3]


Equality is something that all American nationals enjoy irrespective of whether they are immigrants or not.
People in this country have not realized how fortunate manyto be an American womanwomen in this country are because they can receive education very easily.there is nothing that deprives them of receiving a quality education


There is absolutely no gender discrimination in terms of job opportunities for women and many women can be found in professions which were one time restricted to only males .

Writing Feedback / About My Times of Life - 'I had a nice childhood' [6]

I was born in the winter and I'm a Sagittarius girl. People always say that aand according to my people, Sagittarius girls is the best lucky one. She never feeling sad for long time and she always get in touch easily with any kinds of people.are the luckiest ones who would never feel sad and easy going with others.


However, I find myself far from that belief; I am not so lucky in life and also I do get on well easily only with the people who speak my language.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1;comparisons where relevant to bulid new mall in the city of Brandfield . [3]


I have noticed that you have the habit of using "both" and "two" together. Since they both have the same meaning one makes the other word redundant.

eddies has given some good notes in another thread (follow the link below) and hope it is useful for you;
https://essayforum.com/writing/hawaiian-island-chain-center-pacific-ocean-56922/

Although, this place is near the railway, but it is one strip compared byto S1 which is located abovein a place over the railway whichthat many people should through railway and this is very dangerous for each persons especially for children.

This sentence is way too long for the reader to memorize every detail you say in that. You also need to pay attention to grammar a lot!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; Hawaiian island chain in the center of Pacific Ocean [7]


That is the way to move forward and we are here to help you with your efforts :)


eddies suggestion is very good. You find many IELTS essays on this forum and by reading them you can pick up good points and even different ways of expressing ideas. Also, don't forget to read the comments given by others too. They would provide you good insights :)

Writing Feedback / Classification essay on music; "When the Music's Over" [2]

Music is used for entertainmentto entertain us and it can effectaffect us emotionally, and even impact our physical health and wellbeingwell being.


Music has a significant presence in almost every culture.
Without the powercontribution of music, movies would be boring and less suspensefulemotional or sensational.(break here because the other idea is different to this one)Also,and driving in traffic would be even more frustrating without listening to any music.

Writing Feedback / TALKS IELTS 1: The map of Pellington city - new shopping mall [8]


The map details the town of Pellington and its identified potential locations for building a new hypermarket.
In general, both of two areas (A and C) crossed by railway, and one site (B) is in Countryside.


.... First possible of what? You need to be more specific.

However, the last possible area is totally different than onethe first and second.

Scholarship / 'desire for making a difference' - your commitment to pursue a career in nursing [3]

There are several motivations that initiated my pursuit of nursing but they all stem from the adoration ofmy desire for making a positive difference in others' lives.


I think this sounds a bit repetitive and overly done. In the first sentence you talked about the same idea and you should not keep on telling the same thing again.

Undergraduate / PURSUE A BUSINESS DEGREE; A statement addressesing reasons for transfer [2]


Besides my academic goals, this transfer may help me step out from my comfort zone and grow as a person.
By transferring to a college outside of Hawaii, I hope to meet people with different perspectives as mediverse backgrounds and thereby broaden my perspectives.

Overall, I think you have done a good job. Wish you good luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / [ESSAY] How people's food choices are a reflection of large values they hold? [5]


... This needs to be your hook statement and therefore it needs to deliver a very clear and interesting message. This one lacks clarity as to what sort of values you are talking about. You need to be more specific. Personally, I like if you have a stronger hook.


... I am suggesting a small change in organization of your words;
Many people today do not consider the reasons for their food choices seriously.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL) have phones and internet made our personal relationships decreased? [6]

I have an admin request - You should open all TOEFL threads in Writing Feedback forum. This has been transferred from Essays Term Papers to Writing Feedback by us. Also, include the prompt of your essay in the post so that we get a better understanding as to what it requires from you.

Letters / Letter of recommendation - Master Program [8]

... Well, there is no harm in recommending you again. In the last part, you can get him to re-instate his recommendation. For example;

I strongly believe that the proposed Masters program would benefit kikiliyik both personally and professionally. Based on here credentials, skills and ambition, I strongly recommend her as a candidate with lots of potential for this program.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The map of Brandfield city - new shopping mall [4]


both areas / two areas


... Brandfield or Pellington?
The map shows the lay out of Brandfield city and the potential locations for its proposed shopping mall.


The first potential location has the ability to facilitate all modes of transportation via river, road and railway.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; Hawaiian island chain in the center of Pacific Ocean [7]

I feel your answer does not contain the minimum word requirement for this task. Does it?

Also, it is important that you post the prompt of this task for us to have a better idea about what it expects from you. Without seeing the prompt or the question, it is difficult for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.

Follow Pahan's suggestion to reorganize your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The map of Pellington city; new hypermart, near Hampford town. [2]

You should have posted the prompt of this task for us to have a better idea about what it expects from you. Without seeing the prompt or the question, it is difficult for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.


The map presents the lay out of Pellington town and the identified three potential locations for building a new hypemart for Pellington.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The map below is of the town of Garlsdon. [6]


The map presents the lay out of Garlsdon town and the identified sites for the proposed new supermarket.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - plan to build new supermarket in the city of Garlsdon. [7]

Hey, I just found the full prompt from another thread for this task and it is ;
The map below is of the town of Garlsdon. A new supermarket (S) is planned for the town. The map shows two possible sites for the supermarket.

Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
If this is so, then the intro should be more detailed;
The map presents the lay out of Garlsdon town and the identified sites for the proposed new supermarket.

This is why I always suggest everybody to include the prompt. Then we can provide you with more meaningful comments :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2; More people want to buy famous brands. Give reason and opinion [6]

First it is good if you posted the full prompt so that we know exactly what it expects from you and we can align our comments better with that.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Benefits and drawbacks of having several careers. [3]

In our culturelanguage there is a proverb "For a person, even 70 crafts isare not enough"


.... this is a very poor sentence. Better remove it :(
Now you should introduce the background of the issue. Simply rephrase your prompt and present it clearly.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Who is responsible for helping to poorer nations. [9]


...no comma;
"Happiness is real when it is shared" ... great saying :)


Today, there is a vast gap between the rich and the poor nations.
Who is responsible to helpfor helping poorer nations? Some people claim that it is a duty of everyonericher nations, whereas others believe that only the governments of developing nations are responsible for such action.poor nations themselves should find solutions for their problems.

Letters / Letter of recommendation - Master Program [8]

It is with great pleasure I recommend kikiliyik for the ???? Program ( title of the program). I have known her for ???? years as the Head of Civil Engineering faculty of ??? University from where she obtained her bachelors in Civil Engineering. I also was the supervisor for her projects ????? (mention the projects) and that gave me an opportunity to know her potential and capacity better.

Undergraduate / from a waste to house - replacing cement Portland by waste brick in housing [4]


... You need to improve this para. Your ideas are not getting delivered properly. Is this you wanted to say;
My country, Indonesia has a long way to go in terms of building good infrastructure in order to provide its people with at least a reasonably quality life. The soaring prices of the houses have become a big problem for the poor people to afford a decent living.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - plan to build new supermarket in the city of Garlsdon. [7]

The map below shows town of Garlsdon wherewhich has a population of 65,000 people . A new supermarket (S) is planned for the town.
This is the intro I suggest for you;
The map below shows the details of Garlsdon town.


.... This is not indicated in the map... you should report what is presented in the map and not your conclusions.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - enforce limit the use of automobile for the betterment of our earth [4]

The second reason is that increasedinincrease in number of automobile has produced inconveniencyinconvenience in our life. We cannot reach places like office ,hospitals and other places on time due to traffic congestion. For instance, I remember last week I had make amy presentation inat the university for my final exam.It was very important for me as my overall score depended on it.Unfortunately, I got stuck in traffic jam for two hours and reached late to the university.It was an embarrassing moment for me as I couldn't give my presentation though I had given my best effort.This example clearly shows that increased number of automobiles are not good our lives.

Writing Feedback / Teaching in group along with specialised education according to abilities [5]

Well, first an admin request - This essay was opened in Essay Term papers forum and we moved it to Writing Feedback which is the most appropriate forum for this essay. Please select the most appropriate forum at the time of opening new threads in the forum :) Also, mention the purpose, e.g. TOEFL, IELTS etc. in the title itself so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks :)


It is good if you mentioned what your opinion about that.

Writing Feedback / The problem of deforestation, my opinion about it. [5]


Yes, it is good if you can include the purpose of your writing because that allows others to provide you with more meaningful, especially task related feedbacks :)

Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? Or is this for a classroom assignment?
he species are exposed to winds, rains, sun rays, snowfalls and other unfamiliar environmental conditionsand humansso , they have no choice but relocating to find shelters.

This is a well written essay. You display very good writing skills, good grammar, excellent vocabulary etc. :)

Writing Feedback / A Touching Story; a dog that I found when I was 10 years old [6]

I remember few years ago I havehad a dog that touched me so much.

. My father was a goalkeeper while I keepkept kicking balls to him.

When I was about to get back the ball, suddenly a stray dog runran towards the ball and hit the ball with its head.

But this stray dog was different, it seemsseemed very friendly and unharmful.harmless

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Jewelry or concert tickets; What is more important for you? [6]

Well, your topic is not exactly argumentative type, but you can have it fitting into the above structure. For example;
Intro - Start with a hook which would provide you a good entrance to your topic (e.g. Gifts make us happy whatever the form they come in to us) Then have the background (If I am given a gift ????????) Then tell your choice.

Body para 1 - Tell the first reason why you opt for jewelry. Give a specific example
Body para 2 - Second reason + example
Conclusion - reinstate your option :)

Writing Feedback / People who achieved incredible success in their life seem not to encounter a failure. [8]

sure :)


Here we go ;)

Failure is the last thing we want to accept in life. (hook) Some people say that it is an outcome of a weak desire. (background) However, in my view, I believe that failure or success do not depend entirely on the strength of desire. (opinion)

You should not waste a lot of time on the intro and conclusion. You need to spend more time for body paras that need reasoning and examples.