Writing Feedback / 'knowledge, entertainment, skills' - Watching television by kids may be profitable for them. [2]

Hi Kritsada, here's my take on the first two paragraph of your essay.

- Some people believe that watching

- First, Inin processing,
- It wasis ( mind the tenses of your verbs, the tenses affect the overall outcome of your sentence )
- very comfortableaccessible for all users
- t elevision is one of
- a good addition tonew media for humans life. - Which is a nearly ofthe
- center and the source of knowledge
- that you can watch it at any time and any where.
- updated aour knowledge
- through athe day,
- So viewers will receive more updatingupdated
- information while they are just staying at home.

There you have it Kritsada, I hope this corrections help and you will be able to come up with an even stronger revised essay.

Writing Feedback / In the recent years, children behavioural problems have dramatically propelled. [8]

Hi Teck, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, we do hope that you keep on writing, it doesn't need to be an essay or an answer to a specific prompt, any writing chance you can get, you can write anything you want.

One practice that I do, that is very effective, I note my writing by compiling the draft, this way I am able to to see the progress and it is an absolutely rewarding site to be able to see the update of the work and how much you have come from your early writing.

Moreover, research is also one of the best ways to come up with an interesting article, you have to grasp the current events, in order to provide a clever writing and an interesting read.

Lastly, when writing, keep your words simple and use conversational English words, words that are used in daily conversations, this is what I mean and of course, if you have written it this way, the readers will be drawn to reading your essay and they will be able to comprehend well too.

Do let us know should you need further assistance.

Undergraduate / Nepal is a lovely place to live in but can't provide a proper study environment - Canada Embassy SOP [7]

Hi Rachana, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I do hope that you will find us to be credible as much as reliable to your writing reference. We do strive to provide the most accurate feedback, remarks and observations to your writing exercises, with the hopes of inspiring you to write more often and be better, if not the best at this craft.

Now,what I notice in your statement of purpose is the lack of details when it comes to the events that you are trying to incorporate in your letter, what I mean is, when you talk about completing your graduate level, this is in the first sentence of your letter, you mentioned that you graduated already, however, you were not able to give further details, somehow, the details are needed in order to provide that sense of the idea as well as to complete the sentence and its structure.

Overall, aside from minor details, your writing is well organized and I suppose you can still polish the presentation of your letter by separating the conclusion from a rather heavy last paragraph that you have here.

I hope the insights helped and keep on writing.

Writing Feedback / The chart below shows the amount of money per week spent on fast foods in Britain. WRITING TASK 1. [6]

Hi Maxim, the analysis you made for this graph is very accurate, you were able to provide a relevant review to the bar graph and the details you incorporated in the analysis is well received, meaning it is easily understood by the readers.

However, I noticed that the representation of your unit of measurement is not in a form of symbol, like the pence, now, this is fine as it is quiet difficult to do so especially when you're not familiar with the strokes in the computer keyboard, but if you can, try to do so, as this adds formality to your essay, you know that effect of professionalism will be given more emphasis.

Moreover, I notice that you lack punctuation marks on this analysis, punctuation mark such as a comma (,), is needed to give your sentences a break and a breather for your readers, this may be a minor detail but it definitely helps polish your analysis. I suggest you read through your analysis and place the proper punctuation marks when needed.

Writing Feedback / Children after-school activities are becoming a source of debate amongst educationalists nowadays [2]

Hi Mersad, your answer to this particular essay is a good read, you made sure that your argument transpired in your essay. Moreover, you were able to present it in a way that you have all the information base on facts and and this is an absolute plus in your essay, remember, whatever you write, it is always best if you have the most accurate and realistic information in you articles.

Now, I just have a few remarks and corrections below;

- Nowadays, after-school activities are more becoming
- a source of debate amongst educationalistsprogrammers .
- Although there is not a consensus
- onin doing
- of such a charitable contribution
- to communities is not only is
- useful for society but it is efficiently
- also benefitsbeneficial to students in a matter
- of acquirement ofacquiring skills and
- development of self-confidence.

There you have it Mersad, I hope you will be able to follow through with the suggested remarks and should you need further assistance, do let us know.

Undergraduate / UCSD CSE Transfer Waitlist // New unique facilities, attracted by growth and change. [3]

Hi Jonathan, I would to share my thoughts on your letter.

- student,that's interested
- in augmentedaugmenting reality
- ever sinceas they have two
- werewas established
- giveprovide me the
- unique opportunityopportunities to
- across all majors
- someone of the
- that I find alluringintensified and excitingexcites me to pursue UCSD .

There you have it Jonathan, I hope you follow through with the difference and suggested modifications on your letter. By the way, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we do hope that you find this website relevant as well as useful in your writing reference. Remember, our suggestions here on EF are very comprehensive and the most accurate one we can provide, should you have any questions at all, do let us know and we will be here to help you out.

Letters / You rented an apartment for a holiday last year and you were happy with it [4]

Hi Wang, here's another take on your letter.

- anone of your apartments
- from you during my holiday last year,
- and was reallyvery delighted
- OnUpon my arrival there,
- whichthat enabled me to

- However, there was a trivial problem.( this phrase is not necessary )
- I found that the Internet
- So it is better for you to replaceI suggest replacing it with a new one in order to keep the connection stable and even better. .

There you have it Wang, I left the last two paragraphs of your letter so that you will be able to exercise yourself in editing your own letter, following the ones suggested above. I hope to read you revised letter soon.

Essays / Combined-Type Essay for Final Test [3]

HI Andy, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family , we hope that you find this website helpful as much as useful, to your writing reference. We do provide the most accurate observation and and the most comprehensive assessment to your writing exercises.

Now, going back to your concern. I believe the teacher is pretty much, asking you to write an argument. Argument that is base on facts, facts that is solving a particular issue and issues that definitely have a lot of ways to be solved.

As mentioned, an argument is the most appropriate essay to write in order to combat the challenge presented.

Moreover, take a topic that you know fairly well, lets say, social media, or something that is dear to you, this way you will have a definite idea on what to write, also, in picking your subject, make sure that you are able to understand what you need to write, the information you have to provide as well as the details that you don't have to include.

I hope to review your essay soon and the best of luck to you.

Research Papers / Research Paper on Mitch Lucker - musician, motorcycles fanatic [3]

Hi Felix, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, its brilliant that you were able to find this website, we do aim to provide every single writer, students and graduates alike with the most comprehensive remarks and observation towards your writing. We do hope that you will be able to use our help in your future writing reference.

Now, going back to your research, I believe you can do a couple more paragraphs, I say a couple more paragraphs as I feel like you can still elaborate the topic at hand. In doing so, you can expand and add more details on the part where you are talking about the musicians work as well as on the part of where you discuss about the subjects early days, habits and his traits as a musicians. A few additional adjectives that describes the subject will boost the character of your research. This will also help you create that interest from your readers.

Well, that's pretty much it for me Felix, I can also see that you were given quiet a comprehensive remarks here form one of our contributors and I hope you follow through. Remember, the above corrections and modifications are our suggestions and it's still up to you to follow through and make use of them in your revision.

Writing Feedback / The distribution of population in three areas of the Northwest region - IELTS 1 [3]

Hi Nour, I would like to add that your analysis is written fairly well, you have one of the most elaborated analysis for this particular bar graph.

The good thing about this analysis, as mentioned, is how you were able to elaborate the graph through the use of conversational words that are absolutely enlightening to the readers.

Should you be able to polish the analysis, try to merge the last two paragraphs of the essay and keep a summarized bold one, in order to create a well presented essay. The more paragraphs you incorporate in your essay, the harder it is for the readers to grasp the information so it would be best to keep a maximum of 3 paragraphs especially in this type of writing exercise.

I hope this insights helped.

Writing Feedback / Energy usage in Australia; proportion of House Equipment Category / greenhouse gas emissions [3]

Hi Furqanda, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website helpful and useful to your writing references and should you need further assistance to everything that concerns your English practice, do let us know so we can assist you further.

Now, going back to your analysis, I believe it is written fairly well, the words you choose also depicts the information given in the pie graph and staying close to the facts and figures of the graph is the best way to come up with a good analysis.

However, you have to work on your linking verbs, this are the, "should", "the", "that", that will complete the sentences and this will give your essay a much stronger effect. I hope this insights helped.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - A hundred years ago, people thought that the human race was steadily improving [5]

Hi Rere, I would like to share a few insights to your essay with the focus on the last two paragraphs.

- are some aspects of human life's aspects
- that needs to be enhanced.
- As people are living spread in many regions,
- thea better life.
- EvenThere are many states
- that hashave established
- giveprovide the same
- education to all of theirother societies.
- who are not able to obtain
- thewellgood education.
- usable in comparedcomparison to the

- In conclusion, along with the
- with all of the sophisticated instruments,
- many thea lot of poor people - and the country dwellers out there,
- who can not obtaining the same
- right as they doeveryone does .

There you have it Rere, I hope the remarks helped.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The earth has witnessed drastic changes since human springs into existence. Our harmed planet [3]

Hi Tran, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, you are one lucky student who have found this website, it is quiet uncommon to provide reviews and observation for absolutely no fee and we do hope that we will be able to live up to your expectations when it comes to providing you with the most accurate and comprehensive observation, comments and remarks on your writing exercises.

Now, I can see that you have received quiet a comprehensive feedback and modifications here from one of our EF contributor and I hope that you follow through with the suggested remarks.

What I notice about your essay are the words that you used all through out the article, somehow, you used words that are not so conversational, meaning, they are not used in daily conversations, this will be a little bit hard for other readers, therefore, I suggest that you try to change this words into a simpler one, something that will be easily understood by your readers.

I hope this insights helped.

Writing Feedback / The problem of gender equality in universities admissions has recently raised the public's awareness [3]

Hi Chow, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, I hope we will be able to provide you with comprehensive and accurate reviews on your essays and overall writing reference. Moreover, I hope you will be able to use our suggestions, in coming up with a much stronger essay.

Now, going back to your essay, the overall flow and grammar form is good, there's not much change to be done. What I like about your essay is that, you were able to start an essay in a strong format and the succeeding paragraphs are the same, however, I would like to edit a few sentences in the concluding part of the essay. Please find the modifications below;

- On the whole, for the reasons presented aboveOverall , it is sagacious to go against the statement that the universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject as this will definitely raise inequality and this will become a serious issue in the future. .

There you have it Chow, for future writing reference, avoid using big words to associate to your essay, remember, not a lot of readers are fond of reading words that they don't seem to understand, the simpler, the better.

Writing Feedback / The maps indicate the changes of the village in Stokeford in two specific year of 1930 and 2010. [6]

Hi Dama, I'm back to provide you a few modifications on your analysis.

- specific years of 1930 andthrough 2010.

- that itthere used to
- havebe two farmlands
- replacingreplaced by newly

- First looking atUpon analyzing the map
-as of 1930,
- In the western side of the main road,
- neighbors by a farmland.

- muchmost of the scenery was
- its functionin to a retirement home.

There you have it Dama, as you can see, there's not much change to be done. It's very minor details that you somehow miss and this is absolutely fine as it is a work in progress, the good thing is, you keep practicing, exercise the language in every way you can and this is the way to get better is not the best at this craft. I hope I was able to help out.

Writing Feedback / The maps indicate the changes of the village in Stokeford in two specific year of 1930 and 2010. [6]

Hi Dama, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope you find this website helpful as well as useful in your writing reference. You don't have to worry, there will be a lot of contributors and editors who will help you be better if not the best at this craft, moreover, you will receive, comprehensive and constructive criticism that will be very relevant to your writing.

Now, as this essay you wrote is actually an analysis, you should post the maps as elaborated in your analysis, just as you are pasting a picture on an essay, this is done on order to make sure that the observation that we provide is accurate to the map and the information you provided.

As far as you English, sentence construction and grammar is concern, you still have a lot to work on and this is rather easy, specially when you practice a lot. It does not really matter if it's a writing task or just a random article.

I will get back to you as soon as I can for the modification of your analysis.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2-IELTS CAMBRIDGE 9- Some experts believe that it is better for children [2]

Hi Mersad, I enjoyed reading your essay, the answer you provided in this prompt is very informative, the information is based on facts and reality of life. You manage to incorporate the ideas you have to the recent events in daily life.

Moreover, you chose the simplest word you can have in order to convey your message to the readers and this is the best way you can deliver your message to your reader. Nonetheless, I believe it's a well written essay.

Keep it up and I hope you will continue writing, more reviews will come, not only in this essay but to all other essays you will be posting here on EF and I hope the suggestions are helpful and even more useful in your revision.Should you need further assistance, we will be here to help you out and hopefully you will follow through with the suggested modifications.

Writing Feedback / In the recent years, children behavioural problems have dramatically propelled. [8]

Hi Teck, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, I hope we will be able to help you out with any of your writing articles, we also hope that our observation will be useful enough for you to create a well written essay and will guide you in your future writing reference.

Teck, when it comes to your writing, I must say you have done well in this essay, you were able to come up with a straight forward response to the prompt, moreover, the essay of based on facts, the reality of life and this is what makes your essay interesting and worth a read.

If there's anything that I want you to change for a bit is that, the paragraphs can be merged to form a full or bold paragraphs, this is to make sure that there is not a lot of paragraphs in the essay, keep a maximum if 3 - 4 paragraphs, overwhelming your essay with segments might intimidate the reader, so you have to be very careful as well.

I hope my insights help.

Essays / MEXT scholarship field of study form [3]

Hi Nawras, first of all, WELCOME to Essay Forum, we do hope that you appreciate our help, our insights and constructive criticism. We strive to provide the most accurate observation towards your essay in order for you to get a good grip at what is the real standing of your essay and if it does serve its purpose nor answer the prompt and the information it requires.

Now, going back to your question on what to write in this particular part of the essay, what you need to write is the world of Software Engineering, yes, you have graduated in this field however, it is the field you are trying to get better if not the best at so you can write about it, moreover, this is the field that you are applying this scholarship too so this is the most relevant answer

to the question or the prompt.

I hope to review your scholarship essay and I wish the insights provided helped you in coming up with the answer to the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - The major cities in the world are growing fast, as well as their problems [6]

- For instance, they should not
- they should eat more often eat at home
- Another possible solution is,that they are

There you have it Rere, the above phrases are extracted from your essay in order to show you how else you can possibly create a stronger essay. As mentioned, different writing purposes demands different writing strokes, however, when you get your sentence constructed in a way that your ideas flow accordingly, this will give you time to make your essay better if not the best one you have.

Moreover, you just need practice and I believe everything will progress properly. It is absolutely a good practice to note your progress, wether it be draft or some random writing that you happen to do in a lazy day, all of this will take your writing to the next level.

I hope my insights helped!

Poetry / O' home of dearones, where have they gone... - My poem for graduation ceremony of prep school [4]

Hi Sawsana, it's an absolute pleasure to be helping you out in your articles, I do think that you have what it takes to come up with a better essay, you just have to make sure that you come with a good idea first, then let your thoughts flow and the create a draft.

As many drafts as you can, the better you will be, it will also help if you record your progress in writing by keeping your drafts in a record sheet or in a folder.

Moreover, I would like to stress that, poems are definitely harder to write and you were able t come up with a good one, therefore, writing other articles such as essays will be a smooth one for you.

Overall, the best thing to do is just practice, practice, practice. This is the only way you can be better at this craft, also, don't be afraid to try different techniques, different writing strokes, it will help you see what else you can do and what else you can improve.

Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - The major cities in the world are growing fast, as well as their problems [6]

Hi Rere, I'd like to share a few insights to your essay.

As it was observed from your previous articles, you were having difficulties with your sentence construction. You seem to miss the linking verbs that completes the sentence. Reminder, you have to make sure that there is a link in your sentences, as mentioned, as this minor details complete the sentence, they are very essential in coming up with a strong essay. Moreover, you need to make sure that you proof read your essay, my practice is, I read the sentences aloud, as soon as I hear that something is off, I go back and edit that particular part of the sentence.

Rere, the suggestions we provide here on EF will hopefully help you come up with a good and even stronger essay and should you have any further questions, we will be here to help you out. I do hope that you revise the essay with the help of my insights and make use of the suggestions we provided.Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / If sports facilities can contribute to people's health or not, has always been a controversial issue [5]

Hi Tyler, I would like to share some insights on your essay.

Overall, your analysis is good, you were able to put your ideas into writing that flowed smoothly from the beginning of the essay towards the conclusion. The writing task is quiet challenging and you are able to pull it through. Well, the thing is, you have what it takes to write, you know your set of words and you have the logic to create a well written essay.

On a different note, I read a few of your reviews, I may not be in the position to critique it, but try not to copy the entire essay and just edit a few words, this might lead to suspension and you don't like that. Suspension on Essay Forum is not a good thing to have in your activities and this is the reason why you need to provide an accurate and comprehensive essay.

I hope this insights helped!

Writing Feedback / Many people think it is important to protect environment, but they make no effort on it themselves [3]

Hi Rere, here's another take on your essay.

-is a humaneverybody's obligation,
- yet itthis is absolutely important as well .
- less care onless about it.
- There are some reasons underlying, why they are to do sothis issue .

- majority of the people
- are lack awareness up on environmental matter,
- They do notdon't even know
- even the consequences
- of their carelessness ,
- creature living in theon earth.
- In fact, there are still furthermore, people
- who throw the garbage everywhere,
- sinceand they think,
- make not effort to preserve the environment.

There you have it Rere, as you can see, there's still a lot of work to be done in your essay and I hope you follow though for the rest of the remaining paragraphs. Now, try to avoid big words and incorporating words that you yourself can't understand, what you are trying to say in your essay does not depict the idea you have in your mind and this is because the word choice are not correct. I wish to review your revised essay soon.

Writing Feedback / Solving the environmental problem can positively influence people's health [2]

Hi Victoria,first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we do hope that this is the start of a lot more work, a lot more practice and a lot more exercise of the English language, as I always share in this forum, practice is the only way we get better, if not the best at this craft and believe me, a lot of people may think that English is just a form of spoke language but it is the most difficult and complicated one, of course, there's always a way to be good at everything and that includes speaking and writing the English language.

Now, overall, the argument you presented in this essay is well written
You manage to showcase different ideas, different arguments that is backed by information and facts, moreover, the arguments are also realistic, base on current situation which is very relevant to the essay.

There you have it Victoria, I hope the insights helped.

Undergraduate / Assistance Writing a vice-presidential Nomination Essay for West Point? [5]

Hi Jeremy, first of all, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family. I believe we are the only website that provides the most comprehensive and objective remarks for free and I hope you find us helpful to your writing needs and should you need any assistance we will be here for you.

Now going back to your essay, overall, it is a good read, what is described in the essay is person that you are and the person that you want to be, you also manage to use words that are easy to understand and your readers will be able to get the purpose of writing this essay.

However, you have the tendency to cut the emphasis of your ideas, say for example, you mentioned on the introduction, " My childhood was interesting, but despite...", as you can see, there should a couple more sentences in following your interesting childhood, this will leave your readers wonder and they need answers, well this can be an intriguing part but as it is an essay for a nomination you have to try to elaborate every single detail.

I hope this insights helped.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The earth's atmosphere level and its relevant data are illustrated in the diagram. [6]

Hi, it's our pleasure to be of service to you Rere, I really hope you keep on writing, learn new techniques and strokes on writing because this is the only way we get better at practicing and exercising the language.

Now for future writing reference, mind the minor details of the sentences, as mentioned, this minor details will definitely assure you that you will have a good essay and even a better one if not the best. The good thing about you is that you never stop trying, you keep on practicing and making sure that each practice is worthy of your time and effort.

Moreover, it will help you follow through with your progress if you note them in a book or write them down somewhere it is easier to see where you were and how much progress you made, this is what I do when I'm on to something and the progress chart that I do is really a rewarding sight.

Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / Supporting artists and funding money on arts is not a waste and it's also very essential for society [2]

Hi Mostafa, I can see that you have received a comprehensive modification here on EF and I hope you follow through with it, believe me, there's nothing more than a well modified essay, it will not only give you a stronger essay but even more so, will let you see the difference between your original essay and the edited one, it will also help you with your future essays as you have seen and read an edited one. Who knows, you might become one of the moderators one day and be able to help a lot of people.

Overall, you have a fairly written essay, you were able to answer the prompt and you have used words that truly depicts the idea and insights that you want to convey to your readers. However, for future reference, I suggest that you present your essay in 3 paragraphs, this way it is easier to read and review, this will also give the reader, the necessary time to absorb the idea and the message you are trying to convey.

Well, thats about it for me, I do hope that my insights are helpful and you keep writing, keep practicing the language because it is the only way you will get better at this craft.

Letters / Letter writing: celebrating the end of the school year. Review it and help me locate my mistakes. [3]

Hi Simran, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you will find this website to be the answer to any questions you may have on the English Language practice and will serve as your go to website in any case that you doubts and need an extra hand on your work.

Now, I would like to share a few modifications on your essay.

- Dear pP arents, ) capitalize the word "Parents " this does not only show respect but more so emphasis to your addressee )
- I, Angelina, being the class prefect
- year of your child has finally
- come to an end by 20th April so( 20 April ) ,
- event , on the 22nd of April
- forof this trip will be
- the responsibility ofhandled by the
- students themselves, ( don't forget your punctuation marks, your essay as much as your reader needs a breather in reading your essay )
- except security is being
- is surelydefinitely going to
- be the school bus.
- Students will arrange fortheir food
- at the school premises at sharp 8:00am.

There you have it Simran, as you can see there's still quiet a lot of corrections to be done on your essay and I hope you follow through with the suggestions. I left the last 2 paragraphs for you t practice proof reading and editing yourself. I hope to read the revision soon.

Scholarship / Suppporting statements; Why in Monash University? Experience of study in Australia and future career [3]

Hi Lisa, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website helpful to your practice and useful to your writing articles, also, I would like to commend you for your continuous practice of the English language, I know you will agree that it is one of those subjects that is complicated and quiet hard to understand, especially when it comes to the rules of the language, I mean Science and Math are quiet difficult and so is English.

Now, what I notice in your writing is the lack or missing linking verbs and don't get me wrong, this is absolutely normal especially when you are so engrossed to your writing that you tend to miss the minor details, this is why proof reading is a must before posting the essay or any writing article. One more thing, the punctuation marks such as a comma, are also very helpful in stressing your point at a certain level of the essay.

Overall, both essays answer the prompt and the idea needed to answer the essay is also very evident, a little polish will not hurt. I hope to review the revised essay soon and should you need further assistance, do let us know, we will be here for you.

Poetry / O' home of dearones, where have they gone... - My poem for graduation ceremony of prep school [4]

Hi Sawsana, I'd like to help, please find the suggestions below;

O' home of dearonesthy love ones , where have theyyou gone
They didn't leave any tinctureYou left me with nothing and I became al one
The bitterness of nights fulledfooledup my heart
TheirThy smell still remained in my mind till theyand brighten the home again
O' my sweetie pie who is dawdling on her way to the fount
My h ear is burning ,save it andwith salute
She greatedgreeted her lover with generosity and bountifulnesswit
that left my heart with grit
And he asked God to choose his destiny with heris she can take a leap

There you have it Sawsana, indeed, the poem needs a lot of work and I hope the corrections above help a little and be useful at the same time. As you are struggling with words, in a poem, try not to think of the words as must added word to make your sentence complete, treat it as an experiment and then search for its meaning, if it does represent the idea you are trying to convey, then walah, you have the word that does not only rhyme but also bears the thought that you want to convey to your readers.

In this case, as you are writing a poem, it is quiet unusual for me to proof read it, to be honest, I think I only had a handful of poems that I was able to proof read and they actually turn out pretty good, it's not my strongest point obviously and I'm glad I was able to help.

I hope to review more of your writing articles, poems will be a bit challenging, but as they say, bring it on and we will try our very best to be of service to you. When it comes to writing essays, mind the rules of the language and if you can, try to follow them in the most logical order.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The earth's atmosphere level and its relevant data are illustrated in the diagram. [6]

Hi Rere, here's another take on your analysis.

- data areis ( as you have combined the idea of two datum, it becomes one, therefore it takes the singular form )

- diameter throughoutamongstthe others.
- It is only 15KM in diameter.
- larger than the Troposphere. But, however , the percentage
- is smaller. Itit ( you can combine this two sentences in order to create a continues flow of idea ) is twenty four percent.
- Troposphere,( no need to put a comma before the word "and" ) and
- it only has a few molecules.

- much larger, it is 550KM.
- KM. But, but ( refrain from starting your sentence with the word "but" ) ,
- the molecules atmosphericatmosphere isare extremely
- rare in comparison to the other atmospheres .

There you have it Rere, I hope the corrections and insights help you with the revision of your analysis.
As you can see, the modifications are quiet minor, however, it will definitely help you in coming up with a stronger essay.

Letters / Letter of intent "Master's Degree in Communications and Multimedia Engineering" need to correction [4]

Hi Hala, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, I make it a personal routine to check on any feedback as soon as I log in to the EF website and you know what, it is a good way to start our day and make things a little brighter everyday.

Moreover, I believe that a short written appreciation is what fuels us to be here for you all the time and be of service for greater good.

Now, when it comes to your revision, I must say that the words are absolutely great, you choose words that are strong, words that depicts the ideas and thoughts you have in your mind in order to create a well written essay. Even more so, you were able to create a smooth sequence of the essay, you made sure that the ideas follow the previous one and the logic is very evident in the essay.

Your conclusion, however, can be further enhanced by changing the word "deem" to "I believe", or "Armed with ", "deem", just have a negative connotation and this will not support a strong essay. I hope my insights help and I wish to review more of your essays soon.

Writing Feedback / The hiring process of a company is depicted in the flow chart - five steps [2]

Hi Helene, this analysis is one of the most comprehensive ones I read so far today, I believe the key to writing an accurate analysis is to, first, understand the given representation, may it be a pie graph, a bar graph or a diagram.

Once you gain confidence in understanding the figures, you must keep your focus on the facts, that is solely base on the given chart, the information should be in a no-more-no-less position and even more so, at the highest possible accuracy. Now, going back to your analysis, I mentioned that it is very comprehensive, this is because you nailed the points directed above and this is a very good practice, the more you write it this way, the better writing you will produce next time.

Overall, the only thing that I noticed, is your punctuation marks, you tend to forget them as you are so engrossed in your writing and this absolutely normal, what I do though is I proof read my essay before posting, this way, I get the first hand at criticizing my own work and you can do the same with yours.

Graduate / 'my deep rooted interest in geology' - A motivation essay in helping to pursue my graduate studies [3]

Hi Nyora, as I read and understand your essay, I believe it can still be enhanced by knowing the proper words to incorporate your essay and making sure that the message you are trying to say is transpire in your essay.

Having said that, I would like to share a few insights in your essay, please find below;

- I amMy name is Nyora Donald Kobare,
- Currently, I am being recruited andI am currently - Throughout my educationacademic life,
- with the make up of the earth.

- The time I graduated wasas
- the best student in the college with a firstmy class with a G.P.A
- further yet further( this is not necessary ) .
- During my bachelor's degree
- studies I also acquired

There you have it Nyora, as you can see, there is a huge difference when you know exactly which words will represent your ideas. Even more so if you have the thought and it clearly transpired in your essay. Well, no worries, however, practice is the key to get better at this craft, so no rush but learn to adapt every single advice you can get, believe me, they are very valuable to your future writing pieces.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: The comparison of Australian residents who visit four different public places [3]

Hi Maya, I can see that you received a comprehensive remark here from one of the EF contributors, now, I hope you follow through with the suggested modifications and below are additional corrections from my end.

2nd paragraph

- To begin with , there
- who comecame to
- the two entertainment places,
- going to library most( this is not necessary ) .
- all people inthe Australian population

Last paragraph
- Next, the rest of the
- places are zoo and the library
- has a similar
- library ishas reached
- by the new in comers from

There you have it Maya, I wish you the best of luck in your revision and may you find the corrections helpful as well as useful in your future writing reference. Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / Eight stages process of consumer goods manufacturing. [2]

Hi Su, here's my take on your analysis.

- The flow diagram gives us the
- of the manufacturing

- the production planningplanner .
- production planningplanner based
- After thatthis process ,
- tested thefor quality
- to the markets, ready to be sold.

There you have it Su, I leave the last two paragraphs for you to be able to practice editing it yourself. Moreover, editing is the best way to be able to see the difference from the original essay to the one that has been edited and base on experience, you can't really see the best of your essay if you never tried editing or proof reading it yourself.

I hope to review the revised essay very soon.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - An American film actor once said: "tomorrow is the most important thing in life" [2]

Hi Helene, after reading and understanding your essay, I must say it's quiet weak, the introduction for instance, it's like you jammed a lot of words into it so that it looks official, however, the sense and idea is not there at all. Remember, your readers, not only here on EF are well versed in the language, they practice, they edit, they learn to create the best essay they can ever write in order to answer the prompt.

Now, there's nothing wrong with coming up with a weak essay, the bad thing is when you don't learn from your mistakes and pretend that the essay is good when it's not. Anyway, the most noticeable part of the essay is the words you choose in order to create your sentences. You seemed to just put them altogether without realizing what the words really mean.

What I suggest is for you to consider a rough draft, mind the suggestions of the contributors here on EF and be more cautious in choosing the words you incorporate in your essay. I hope to review your revised essay soon.

Writing Feedback / This is report to describe the process of collecting information for the weather forecast [5]

Hi Maxim, it is our pleasure to be able to help you with all your writing article, there's nothing more than words of appreciation from all the people that we are able to help, whenever we log in we hope to hear all your feedback, this is the only way we can get better at this job. Knowing that we are able to help, gives us the fuel to go on, be able to have that strength to continue sharing our passion and fully exercise the language.

Moreover, the IELTS examination may be as taxing as it is, but hey, you can treat it as a normal writing exercise and this should relax you a little bit. Even more so, be confident, know that you have what it takes to ace this examination and to prove, not to anyone, but to yourself, that the English language is one challenge that you are ready to take on.

Finally, practice, practice, practice, as I always mention, this is the only way you can better and I believe, this is not just on academics but to life in general.I hope to see more of your writing pieces soon.

Scholarship / Study objectives statement for Public Policy and specialization in International development [3]

Hi Nazia, I believe we can still enhance your essay, I'll work on the first 2 paragraphs of your essay and I hope you notice the difference from the original essay.

1st paragraph
- and a mid career( no need to specify level of the career ) civil servant,
- I find it the most opportunethis as the right time
- my long held desire
- to better myself, academically,

- effectivenesseffectivity of the - resulting into a major

There you have it Nazia, I hope you will follow through with the suggested corrections above, as it may seem to be known, your words can really get far with the help of this program and the best thing is, you are not selfish, you aim, not only for your academic and personal advancement but even more so for the good of your people, keep it up.