Writing Feedback / The comparison on how much the petroleum was produced and consumed in 7 areas in the year of 2002 [5]

I cannot comment on your representation of the information from the bar chart since you forgot to upload the image. Please remember to include the image the next time you ask us to review your work. It is vital that we have a comparison point between the image and written text. What I can do, is offer you a general review of your work.

It appears that you were severely careless with your writing, You did not pay attention to proper paragraph formatting on the screen, which made this report difficult to read. You also did not care to spellcheck your work, with 14 errors in the presentation, mostly relating to capitalization. You failed to capitalize the written name of countries in the essay (Europe, Asia, Australia, etc.) These repeated errors will result in severe LR deductions.

You also have a subject - verb disagreement in the essay. You used "their quantity were" instead of "their quantity was". Additionally, you forgot that when you use adverbials, you should use a comma directly after (.g. 7 and 11 million barrels , respectively).

Graduate / U of T Engineering Supplementary Essay - extracurriculars and developed skills [2]

You don't really need that long-winded introduction at the start. Your essay will be better helped, due to the word requirement, by a direct presentation of your response. Each response you have for each activity to participated in directly relates to your chosen major. However, you can better develop the explanations by increasing the information per activity. You must also reformat the presentation to use a paragraph presentation per activity. That will make it easier to read and keep track of in the eyes of the reviewer. Your activities are truly interesting but little developed in presentation due to the single paragraph presentation. Using the per topic paragraph format will help clean up the presentation and allow you to better explain / expand on the activity lessons that you feel helped prepare you for the major you have chosen. Try to discuss more than just a participation, indicate achievements when you can so that the preparation will have a more solid foundation to base itself upon.

Scholarship / Essay Scholarship (NZAID) - Study Relevance [2]

Since you are applying for a scholarship, you need to be a bit more detailed when explaining the skills and knowledge you hope to gain from the program. Remember that the reviewer will not be highly familiar with the university you are interested in attending and the program of education that you will potentially be undertaking. So a expanding the explanation to include specific courses, as they apply to your professional interests are in order. Try to use only subject names instead of professor names. The reason is that the scholarship reviewer will not know who this professor is and thus, not be dutifully impressed by your interest in attending his class. It is more about what you can get out of the theoretical and practical training that you should be discussing instead of professor specifics. Overall, this is a good draft. You just need to expand on the content to make it more informative for the reviewer.

Scholarship / Master of Economics - Scholarship statement on choosing the proposed course and institutions [2]

The choice of your proposed course is not very clear in this essay. You are discussing an academic interest of sorts, which does not really provide a strong career related motivation for your choice. How does the specified course relate to your current work requirements? Or perhaps you are seeking career improvements and the course will help you achieve that? Your choice of proposed course must not just be considered because you want to learn more about a specific topic. If your background does not relate to it, then you won't be considered for the slot. How does research relate to your task at work? Why do you need to brush up on your research and information in this field? Explain your motivations further.

The choice of university is just as problematic. You are not really proposing that the university meets your academic requirements. Just because a university is popular in its field doesn't mean it is the right choice. Sure you took an online course, you had fun, that was great. However, the actual university attendance and experience will be far different from the virtual one. So what are the real world reasons you want to attend the university? Popularity and ranking aside, what other reasons, professional and personal, apply to your choice of university?

Reflect more upon the reasons you want to study the course. Think more in specific terms about how the university can help enhance your skills. Try to go into detail so that the reviewer can understand where you are coming from and where you want to go in the future, with the help of this course of study.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - Pie chart about population rate [4]

When you have an image that refers to specific dates, you must mention the specific dates even if you change the presentation by saying "50 years later." It should be " 50 years later, in the year 2050" That is because Task 1 is all about being presenting the specific information from the report. Fractions, assumptions, creative descriptions, these are all acceptable in the essay, provided the specifics are not neglected and continue to be specifically presented in the report. That is what the TA criteria expects the writer to present and that is what is what should be included int he report. In fact, you can forgo the creative and flowery language in exchange for specifics, which will show a better understanding of the given information in relation to the report requirement.

Your trending statement is incomplete as it should show that the trend is based on the comparison of growth between the two countries over the same period of time, not just the development of one country.The trend for both countries must be presented in the report as it is in the chart.

Focus on providing mo more than 200 words for this essay. You will run out of time to proof read your work before submission. You will also cut into the allotted time for the task 2 essay. This is the reason why I said you should avoid the flowery presentation and just be factual in your report. Keep it short but informative, precise but not exaggerated. No more than 200 words will be required for the complete discussion of this task. In this case, you over discussed your presentation.

Writing Feedback / The distance between the rich and the poor is enlarging due to development of technology - Ielts 2 [3]

The essay prompt requires the following format for your response:
- Paraphrase (without your personal opinion)
- Public POV 1
- Public POV 2
- Personal Opinion
- Conclusion (Reverse Paraphrase)

Your essay does not define the public point of view in your body of paragraphs. Neither does it thresh out your personal opinion at the end. Therefore, the essay, due to improper wording of the body of paragraphs, ended up discussing a representation of your personal point of view alone. You failed to properly represent the TA section in this aspect so you will definitely get a lower score based on the criteria for that section. There are deviations from the prompt based on technology when you refer to fields such as Pharmacy. You also do not fully develop your discussion points in the paragraphs. You do not explain your reasons, you just keep giving reasons. In order to write an effective paragraph the following format must be applied:

- Topic sentence
- Reason
- Supporting information 1
- Supporting information 2 (optional)
- Transition sentence

Proper references to the public point of view must be made in the topic sentence. An example of this reference is; "The affluent sector of society believes that... While those who do not have the same resources are convinced that..."

This essay represents a confused way of discussing the given prompt. It will get scored based on a partial response to the prompt rather than a total explanation of the task provided.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1- The places visited by different people living in Canada. [7]

There is no definitive way of representing the illustration. The graphs are meant to be presented based on the understanding of the writer. That means, there is no one way of grouping and presenting the information. It all depends upon how you understand the information provided and how you wish to present it. Do not worry about the groupings and how the data is presented.

The important aspect of Task 1 is to make sure that you present all of the data from the drawing and, that you clearly understood the point of the graph. Groupings and presentations are dependent upon how you are comfortable representing the information. I do not see anything wrong with the way that you grouped the graph. That is how you wanted to present it and that is how the examiner will grade it.

Worry instead about your LR, C&C and GRA presentations. Those are the most critical aspects of scoring, not the grouping of the presentation. As long as you can prove that you can present a comprehensive and understandable summary of the provided information, you will be fine. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Try to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph so that your essay can be scored overall based on a 200 word count. That is the best way to maximize the overall scoring potential of your presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 TOTAL WORLD OIL RESOURCES AND CONSUMPTION [2]

The foremost concern I have with this essay is the fact that you did not bother to spellcheck your presentation. Do not hurry when writing and reviewing your draft. Remember that all mistakes count as point deductions in every applicable area. In this case, you have 4 spelling errors in the forms of comsumtion = consumption, Easet = East, Eruope = Europe, and regared = regard. These mistakes add up to deductions in your LR score. While you do need to watch the clock, you also need to be conscious of your writing style and allow for editing minutes towards the end of your essay. Deductions in all aspects of your writing could result in a detrimental score in the end.

Now, with that error forgotten, and focusing only on the essay that you wrote, I would say that you scored close to, if not a 5 with this work. You understood most of the chart, tried to vary your presentation, and presented the information as clearly as you could. You did a good job based on your current English writing skills. If you do not second guess yourself and learn to build your confidence, you will do very well later on.

Remember, you will only fail in this test if you clearly do not understand the task requirement and fail to transmit the information in a clear manner. You have managed to make yourself understood so far and you have not missed too much of the information presentation in a manner that would affect the clarity of the presentation. You just need more practice.

If you feel that this type of presentation is where you do the least well, then do more practice exercises in this type of presentation. Do that until such a time that you are confident in writing information from these type of graphs. I believe that around 5 practice tests should help boost your confidence when writing based on this sort of image.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the American identity and fast-food places with image analysis [2]

There are only 2 sections of this essay that I have a problem with. The first, is the introduction of the American Dream as a nightmare related to food. The American Dream is more identified with the possibility of dreams and ambitions becoming a reality. It is rarely, if at all, associated with food, fast-food, and health. I found myself lost when the painting was suddenly introduced in the second paragraph. Maybe finding a better introduction that ties in the fast-food epidemic with the painting would be better. The American dream reference sounds a bit forced and doesn't create a seamless introduction to the actual topic, which is the painting. Then, the sudden shift to climate change later on in the discussion doesn't really connect well with the fast-food and painting discussion. It is either you need to create a better transition paragraph, or you should better present the climate change discussion in a manner that reflects its meaning or reason within the painting. The paper in itself is interesting to read, when focused only on the painting discussion. The other parts tend to muddle the discussion. Nothing that good editing and better transitioning won't fix though.

Graduate / Erasmus Mundus Scholarship - Masters in Models and Methods of Quantitative Economics (QEM) [3]

In actuality, you only followed the format of the website regarding required content in one paragraph. Paragraph 4 indicates a shallow reference to the motivation behind your application. It explains your reason for applying but does not heavily present your background in relation to your application and clear intentions after your degree. You really do not need to use the quote at the start and the long winded explanation about the US housing bubble and bust.

You could have directly started with paragraph 4, a more appropriate and beneficial paragraph for the reviewer's information. You also do not indicate your university choices and if you require the scholarship to enroll in the program or not. Basically, you still need at least 3 more informative paragraphs based on :

- Preferred mobility track
- Scholarship

Use paragraph 4 to open your second version, then work more on providing the missing information for the essay.

Research Papers / Peer Review Research paper titled: When are people more likely to dream? [2]

The first weakness that I see in this essay is the age of the literature being used. In order for information to be considered immensely accurate and relevant to the studies, I believe that you should use the most recent material going back no more than 5 years. That is because the study of sleep is constant and the information published, constantly being updated. It would be better for you to use as much recent research as you can to support your assumptions regarding the frequency of dreams, types of sleep stage, and other similar information.

The second weakness, could be the lack of practical research on your part. While the study should contain theoretical work from other researchers, you should have some sort of poll presented as well, based on your own simple sleep observation / research method. You could strengthen the information you are presenting if you do a practical comparison of the researched sleep / dream observations to add credibility to the information you are presenting.

The final weakness, is the way you did not involve actual sleep institutes in the study. You could have collaborated with a sleep specialist at a hospital to help you add up to date information and also, grant you access to more recent research. Though a bit difficult to do, there are teaching hospitals and doctors who would be glad to help you out. You just need to find the right contacts to make it happen.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: People are having more and more sugar-based drinks. Give reasons and solutions [4]

One of the major mistakes that students make when writing these reason and solution essays is that they tend to only present superficial reasons and solutions in their discussion. They mistake topic sentences for actual discussion. When you are asked to discuss reasons and solutions, the clarity of the presentation will come from the way that you discuss 2 connected reasons in the same paragraph, within 5 sentences and 2 connected solutions, within the next paragraph. This is done through the use of one transition sentence in the middle of the paragraph. For example:

One reason for the sweet beverage addiction of people could be that celebrity endorsers are used as sales posters on vending machines and cooling fridges in convenience stores. For example, Kendall Jenner increased public awareness for Pepsi in 2017 because she was known for her show "Keeping up with the Kardashians". As such, her image was placed next to machines selling the product. People, interested to learn more about the endorsement, buy the soda. If they like it, the continue to appreciate the product until it turns into a regular beverage for them.

As you can see, The clarity of the discussion reasons will come from the proper connection of reasons. In this case:
Kendall Jenner + celebrity + endorser+ public interest = habit forming drink

The solution should be presented in the same connected manner. That way 2 solutions can be presented in one paragraph. In this case:
Do not hire a celebrity endorser + no celebrity poster in sales area = less interest in the beverage / less sugary addiction

Your discussion was muddled by the lack of discussion development. You have to learn to build on connected ideas instead of separate ideas so that your presentation will score better in the C&C section.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Provide help directly to the community or give money to charitable organizations. [2]

Please remember to provide a copy of the original prompt next time so that you can receive a more specific review of your work. Without it, only a general review may be given. You have written just enough words to make it past the minimum word count. That is not to say that the number of words will immediately boost your score. You still have several grammatical issues to address in this essay.

You have misspelled a few words in the essay. Agencys should be spelled as "Agencies" for plural or "agency's" to signify ownership. You spelled the word "the" are "ther". Please pay particular attention to the LR section of your writing. Incorrect spelling of words will result in heavy points deductions for that section of scoring.

You show an unfamiliarity with the use of similar sounding words. "... articles about there campaigns" is incorrect. There should be "their". This is a serious GRA error that will definitely highlight your inability to properly form English sentences.

There are some minor errors in your writing as well. However, I wanted to highlight the major errors in your writing style that will have a direct effect on your final score. I hope to give you a more detailed review of your future work. Just remember to include the original prompt next time.

Scholarship / Master in Materials Science - Motivation and Plans [3]

What is the connection of the story you told at the beginning with your interest in this course? Was that your motivation for enrolling in the relevant undergraduate course? You have to better connect that story with the rest of your essay or, do not use the story at all if you cannot connect it. Being motivated by the event to study the undergraduate course is a good start. However, an update to the story, in relation to your completed undergraduate course, in reference to your motivation for masters studies need to be further explained. The motivational story needs to connect and come full circle in your presentation. That is missing in the presentation. Your post study plan needs to be more specific. What do you hope to address upon graduation? Through what specific organization? How does the Erasmus Mundus network fit into the discussion?

Don't focus on your personal experience at the start. Use a public reference to the Ring of Fire and effects of flooding on your community. That way you can better explain a national motivation for your studies. That will be more effective than asking a hypothetical question at the start that the reviewer may or may not identify with. Pretend he can't identify and use a more practical example for your motivation instead.

This is a good draft, but it has several holes that need plugging to create a more solid statement. I hope you can use my observations and suggestions to help you better direct the content of your essay. The potential for a strong motivation and impressive post study plans are there. You just need to make it more noticeable to the reader through the use of specifics and relevant situations

Scholarship / Personal Statement- Education Administration major- KGSP [3]

Do not lose sight of what this personal statement is supposed to contain. You have an unnecessary focus on how you discovered KGSP, why you want to win this scholarship, and what you think of a Korean educational system. The specifics of this essay must contain focused paragraphs with specific topics required. You need to write a new essay based on the following parameters:

- A better introduction of your family background. Include a description of your parents, the income they make, and why your family situation led you to believe that you could only achieve a proper undergraduate education by winning a scholarship.

- The motivation to study in Korea must be related more to your desire for a proper career using Korean training instead of simply dreaming big and hoping to change your world by getting a sponsored education abroad. Think global, not self-centered and pigeon hole educational experiences.

- I would push the experiences as a part of your motivation to study abroad by relating it to a significant experience or person of influence. That way, you highlight a significant event that led to a realization, which will be beneficial to you in the future. Positive influences in your life will come in handy when trying to prove that you have a desire to be a successful person. The support of others in relation to your dreams and ambitions have a significant impact on your application. It shows resilience and a personal drive to succeed.

- While your extra curricular activities are alright, you need something more to represent your abilities as a student. One in terms of academic achievement which, in this case, isn't impressive because you talked about your failure to gain a scholarship. Remove that reference to remove the negative point of view about your academic abilities. In its place, refer to any type of academic achievement that you can refer to . The KGSP looks for academic achievers to include in their roster. In this case, you weakened your chances by not making a reference to that and instead, pointing to your academic failure by not gaining the scholarship you applied for.

Changing these aspects of your essay should help strengthen your application. Your personal statement will be properly directed in terms of giving your application a chance for consideration.

Scholarship / Chinese Government Undergraduate Scholarship (Personal Statement - Economics) [3]

The personal statement should focus on developing the discussion regarding the growth of your interest in Economics. The first paragraph does not bode well for your application. You make it sound like you had no choice but to study Economics. There was no excitement in your voice, There was more emotion when you said you did not want to study history. Why not reflect a little more and think about the reasons why you came to love Economics? That is what this discussion is all about. You have to signify an interest in helping to improve the field of Economics or, a desire to improve yourself through the study of Economics. Try to use these guide questions to help you revise the essay:

- What was your first introduction to Economics?
- How did you perceive Economics to be about upon that introduction?
- What specific parts of Economics interested you in further studies? How did these motivate you to take this as your undergraduate course?
- How do you see your future as an Economist should you graduate from this course?
- If required, explain the reasons you felt that your choice of university to study Economics at is the logical choice for you.

Once you respond to these questions, you should have a pretty solid personal statement available to support your scholarship application.

Graduate / Applying to the MAIA to be fully educated - SOP [3]

You cannot use any part of this essay for your statement of purpose. This will work as a personal statement though so don't delete it just yet. The information for a statement of purpose must be no more than 5 years old in order to remain relevant to your current skills, theoretical practices, and training advancements prior to studies. You do not reflect such information in your essay. The information you have to present is simple, A purpose that is either academic or professionally inclined, along with specific research strengths on your part that will show how you are capable of doing academic work with little to no supervision. You must never use the terms "etc." or ellipses (...) in an academic essay. You are not writing a letter to a friend, you are applying for admission to a university.

Connect your essay presentation this way:

- Declare your purpose for study (academic or professional). An immediate professional goal that can be completed soon after graduation from the course will be best.

- Explain your relevant college background that prepared you for the course. Additional training or seminars attended on the job would be of high benefit to this presentation paragraph.

- Discuss an academic accomplishment that highlights your ability to complete a difficult degree of research. Support this with a related professional accomplishment.
- Convey the reasons why you feel the training of the university can help you. This can be through academics or technical training which is part of the MS course.

Do not format this as a letter. This is an essay statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - the power of spoken communication [4]

The essay will get points deducted because you wrote less than the 250 word requirement. That's too bad, you were only 7 words short of the minimum requirement. Next time, try to write at least 275 words. An additional reason that this essay will fail is because you did not really get the paraphrase in the introduction right. Neither did you properly discuss the essay. For comparison purposes, look at the following:

OP: to what extent do you agree or disagree.
YP: Spoken communication could be powerful in some situation, while written communication could also be influential in some cases.

Where is the degree of dis/agreement? You did not indicate anything of the sort in any part of the essay. The proper paraphrase is:

Communicating with others carries more of an impact when done by pen. At least that is what some sectors of society believe. Others think that oral sharing of information is the more effective information dissemination tool. I believe that both are equally effective in terms of corresponding with one another.

In my version:
OP: ...to what extent do you agree or disagree.
MP: I believe that both are equally effective in terms of corresponding with one another.

The degree of measurement is "equally effective". Thus indicating a 50/50 degree of agreement and disagreement with the topic.

Your discussion paragraphs are good, but could have been more effective had you properly addressed the task question. The introduction and final paragraph are lacking in terms of minimum sentence requirements. You have to write at least 3 sentences for each paragraph to meet the word requirement. Avoid using commas in place of full stops to help clarify your thought and topic presentations per sentence.

Overall, this type of work is not within a 5 band score.

Writing Feedback / Neighbouring towns - IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - MAP [4]

You should have indicated that the years included were 1962, 1985, and the present. That missing information makes your summary introduction incomplete in presentation. Your comparisons are acceptable, except in the last paragraph. You failed to detail the expansion of the town with the business center, hotel, and other aspects of modernization. The railway also expanded its service in the present time. I would not say that this is a very accurate representation of the map. Rather, it is a relatively complete presentation. Data is missing from the report. Thus the TA score for this essay will not be as high as it potentially could have been. Remember that you have to analyze the information. That means, you should take the time to study every illustration and make sure that every aspect is presented for the benefit of the reader. Don't leave anything to chance. Always double check your information against the drawing. That is the only way to make sure that your TA score will be high in this task.

Scholarship / Admission Essay for Master of Health in Sweden [3]

I am not sure what kind of paper you are trying to write here. There are different requirements for an SOP, a Personal Statement, a Motivational Letter, and a Letter of intent. An admissions essay is a general term for the essays that have to be written with your application. Without being clear as to why type of masters study essay you are trying to write, I cannot provide you with a clear instruction regarding how to revise the content of your essay.

I'll assume that you are writing a motivational letter, since that seems to be the focus of a few paragraphs of your essay. If I am right, then you should only be using paragraphs 2 and 4 for the essay. Those show a clear motivation for your desire for higher studies and a future direction for your career and contribution to the field. Just take those 2 paragraphs and write a more appropriate introduction and a concluding paragraph that indicates what you hope to learn as a masters student in this field in relation to your motivation.

Again, I can only guess the type of essay you are writing and what the content of that essay might need to be. Your essay is too general in presentation to be applicable to any one of the masters degree application essays. If you had indicated the type of essay you had to write, I could have provided you with more focused and applicable advice.

Writing Feedback / Critical judgment of work from experts has little value - GRE [2]

There is a lack of clarity in some sentences that tend to hinder the message of the writer the first time this essay is read. The first sentence of the first paragraph is the most confusing part of this essay. A clearer presentation of your opinion could have been:

The public seems to appreciate a point of view or opinion more when it comes from a professional in the field. However, there are instances when non-professional ideas should also be deemed acceptable. I believe that the ordinary man's thoughts should also be considered acceptable to a minimum degree.

There needs to be a clearer restatement of the topic, along with a more defined response to the degree requirement at the end of the first paragraph. After all, the whole discussion will be based on your introduction of the topic.

You successfully presented your point of view with supporting statements in the essay. That said, you still need to work on clarity, cohesiveness, and coherence when you write your paragraphs. Clear sentence structures will help tremendously in that aspect.

You also forgot to think about the opposing ideas and how you might be able to present your counter argument successfully. For every discussion you present, such as: "my peers will have more questions for me as opposed to the experts." the counter argument will be; "the expert can see the mistakes in your research and point it out to you." That was a counter argument you did not consider and defend based on your evidence. Remember, the instruction is to expect counter arguments to your presented reasons and defend your side.

The GRE requires you analyze all aspects of a given discussion, this essay somewhat does that. I expect that you will remember to expect the need to prepare rebuttals in your next practice essay.

Dissertations / Relevance of research to the development of my country [3]

The researched part of your response is out of place. You should be thinking in terms of how much the current GDP of Nigeria comes from cashew products first. Then project what percentage of increase such a type of research can contribute towards the GDP. What specific areas of production will be addressed by your research?

How much of the current process wastes the product? What is the financial equivalent of that loss? What increase might result from your research?

Think in terms of economic development along with farming related advancement in terms of technology which can be helped by your research. You have to be specific about its application in at least 2 related fields. The researched information you provided is not as necessary as the information regarding how it will advance this particular field of farming and production development in Nigeria.

Scholarship / Specific things to be done to overcome the challenges of living and studying in a different country [3]

These are excellent ideas for adjusting to life once you get to New Zealand. I wonder if you have considered strengthening the essay by providing additional information regarding your prep work pre-arrival. That means, you will begin your immersion into the Maori culture even before you get to New Zealand. Some preparations you can make can include self learning Maori and Samoan, which are the two major languages of New Zealand, aside from English. Learning these 2 languages will further help you learn about Maori social customs prior to your arrival, which will help you adjust socially as well. Don't forget, learning the language is half the battle that helps you win the war. So all your other concerns can be successfully connected by one response, "I will learn the language to help me adjust totally to New Zealand on an academic and social scale even before I get there."

Graduate / My long-standing fascination - STATEMENT OF PURPOSE CHEMICAL ENGINEERING MSc PROGRAMME [3]

This essay doesn't really explain a solid purpose for your studies and your credentials are too numerous to keep track of. The main point of a statement of purpose is to explain how the studies will help you in accomplishing your current work tasks. You specifically stated that the information you have at the moment regarding your job is lacking. Why do you feel that it is lacking? What areas of improvement do you see advanced studies improving in your skills as required by your job? More importantly, what theoretical shortcomings do you currently have that affect your ability to competently complete your work tasks? Those are the reasons that develop the purpose of your studies.

Next, if you really want to impress the reviewer, then depict your accomplishments within the workplace that would support the idea that you have a professional foundation, no matter how shallow, to compete as a student in this particular masters course. Choose one or two of the most relevant examples then write about those as individual paragraphs. Detail the discussion of each accomplishment. Don't just enumerate it. You have to make it more convincing than merely indicating you had such an accomplishment.

Do not include any reference to NYSC, that is not relevant to the job description or course choice. You should instead, make sure that you include a solid instead of general reference to your skills as a researcher and problem solver. Not in an inclusive paragraph, but as individual paragraph discussions. Focus on your strongest points for both. If possible, include a reference to your undergrad thesis which you might be able to continue pursuing as your masters thesis. That way you can show a continued education process in relation to your current workplace duties and responsibilities.

There is no need to quote your dad at the end of the essay. Instead, detail certain classes at the university that you hope to take which directly address core weaknesses in your technical and / or theoretical expertise. The choice of university must relate directly to the curriculum and training programs you hope to receive. Showing a familiarity with the course syllabus that you will be expected to complete and why these areas of study are important to your line of work / learning.

The final verdict is this: write a new essay. A more applicable essay that delivers on the important points of a statement of purpose. Provide the information that the reviewer needs to know about in a manner that will interest him as a reader. This is like a job application. The student with the best credentials and most convincing purpose wins a student slot.

Writing Feedback / Review my essay - Under the sea - 'the mother of mysteriousness and beauty' [3]

I think what you need to do to improve the essay further is to create a stronger foundation for the story. The descriptive story telling is good, but it doesn't have a backstory to support the love of the sea of the main character. Why does this character love the sea so much? By the way, there are some vocabulary mistakes in your presentation. When you said he "emerged into the brine", you misused the word "emerge". To emerge means to come out of. In this presentation, I think you should have instead said "He glided INTO the brine". It makes more sense and describes the action in a more applicable manner.

You might also want to consider adding a paragraph describing the character coming out of the sea, then pondering a return, risking his life even while knowing that the sea would most likely kill him. Right now, the ending doesn't explain why it would make sense for him to return to the sea, conscious of the fact that he would never leave it again.

Undergraduate / IVEY AEO ESSAY (Character in Leadership) [4]

Well, this is certainly a very reflective essay response. You actually managed to respond to the prompt in a manner that shows you took the time to truly analyze an activity that you actively participate in. However, I feel like the mantra at the start is a little overkill. It also loses its relevance because your response evenly focuses on client and team relationships. Honestly, I believe that the essay works well even without the mantra at the start. Starting the essay from the second paragraph works just as well, if not better because you get directly to the point instead of wasting space with filler sentences. The mantra kind of falls under that classification, a word filler. The third paragraph is running a bit long, you might want to consider cutting it up a bit so that the reviewer will find it simpler to read and keep track of what you are talking about. Overall though, it's a very well developed response that requires slight editing to become even better.

Writing Feedback / Unethical methods in advertising today [3]

This essay will automatically a failing score under the TA section. You have created your own discussion requirements as opposed to discussing the essay as per the instructions provided. Your error can be clearly seen in the following:

OP: To what extent do you agree with this view?
YP: This essay will discuss the reasons why some companies create negative advertisements and why they are considered to be unacceptable.

The instruction is not asking you to discuss the reasons why company create negative advertisements. It asking you if you agree or disagree with the statement:

Some of the methods used in advertising are unethical and unacceptable in today's society.

Due to the error in your Task Achievement, it will be impossible for your essay to achieve a passing score for this discussion essay. Regardless of how well you did in the other sections. The TA is what matters the most because it fully reflects your English understanding abilities which, in this case, is proven to be faulty.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 The graph below shows trends in US meat and poultry consumption. [3]

While this presentation is good enough to help assess your English writing and comprehension abilities, you should have considered how you will make your comparisons more accurate for the reader. Since the chart shows that the comparisons are beef and pork, chicken and turkey, you should have done your comparison in the same manner. Compare meats by type otherwise, the information presentation does not make sense.

Comparisons are done for similar, not different items. It is difficult to explain why you are comparing non-related items. It is better to do the comparison by pair or grouping. Therefore, the comparisons, though acceptable, would have made more sense if you had done the proper meat type comparisons, beef vs. pork, and turkey vs. chicken. It would have made for a far more interesting comparison discussion as well.

Again, there are no wrong presentations for this essay. However, highlighting the discussions as per the prompt suggestions would help increase your TA score. It shows your ability to properly analyze and discuss the given chart in relation to implied discussion standards.

Grammar, Usage / Is a review written in the past tense or present? [2]

When writing a review, always use the past tense in reference to the situation. Since the reviews are always based on past experience, you cannot use present tense presentations for the discussion. However, if you are doing the review in real time, as in a Vlog, then you can use present tense for the review. The reason being that you are currently experiencing the event or situation. In the case of Google Maps, these are always reviewed after the event, so the discussion / review must follow the past tense format.

As for your writing mistakes, you need to learn how to use full stops / periods to separate your sentences. Your presentation of run on sentences do not help with the clarity and understanding of your presentation. For example:

I really enjoyed my time at the restaurant. The staff were so friendly and the service was really good. The inside of the restaurant was stunning...

The above example should assist you in editing your presentation to include the separation of thoughts through complete sentence presentations.

Scholarship / Supporting statement 1 about course choice for NZAID Scholarship application [3]

Your essay actually carries certain responses to the actual question. The problem is that you have not properly directed the essay towards a solid response. I believe that you have given this essay to us as a draft, asking about what you can and cannot use in the essay. What I can tell you is this, you have a usable essay to a certain extent. You clearly answer the question; " Why have you chosen this course?" In the following manner:

In country xxx, particularly ...reatment of patient. Whilst working as a ... for further referrals. I wish to pursue ...in ultrasound imaging.

That combination of paragraphs will explain why you were motivated to pursue higher studies. The last sentence about the "wish to pursue" will need to be expanded upon to further illustrate your course choice. Under the "wish to" discussion, present information as to how the course subjects will help you address your specific weaknesses as a technician. There is no need for forward thinking at this point because you are choosing the course based upon your need for additional training in your current position. Avoid writing a lecture based on research as you did in this essay. Instead, focus on your desire to do your job well to help address certain shortcomings in diagnosis, budget concerns, and patient interaction.

Yes, you will need to write a new essay response, but you should be able to explain yourself fully within 2 paragraphs if you use the information above as the basis of your new explanation.

Writing Feedback / Is better for kids to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than at secondary? [5]

The essay shows that you have a good understanding of the English language and you are able to explain yourself clearly in the language. However, you weakened your reasoning paragraphs by presenting 2 ideas per paragraph. One idea fully developed, one idea under developed in the presentation paragraph. The best way to score highly in the C&C section will be to focus on explaining on only one reason per paragraph. So in this case, discuss one pro and one con or vice versa. By fully explaining one idea within 3-5 sentences, you create a cohesive and coherent discussion point. You can easily transition to the next discussion using a transition sentence at the end, which would result in an increased GRA score for you as well. When you write the essay, remember that clarity will always help increase your overall score. You don't need several reasons, just one that you can clearly explain to the examiner. He'll appreciate it more and score you accordingly.

Writing Feedback / [ IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Topic: Obesity is a serious problem today [5]

There are 2 problems points in your presentation as I see it. The introduction paraphrase and the concluding statement. Your paraphrase does not exist. Which means you will get a low TA score. Rather than paraphrasing the topic for discussion, you began the discussion at that point. You did not introduce the topic as expected. You are not to begin the discussion in the first paragraph because that is only meant for the paraphrase. With only 5 sentences maximum per paragraph, there is not enough room for you to present the paraphrase and a proper reasoning discussion right from the start.

The essay also asks you to merely agree or disagree with the presentation. Your concluding paragraph offered solutions to the problem instead, causing an open-ended essay. You were never asked to suggest solutions to the problem. Therefore, your TA score will not be under a high bracket. Why? You clearly show an inability to understand the discussion requirements so points will be deducted accordingly. The good news is that you have strong reasoning presentations in the body paragraphs. That should help increase the overall score a bit. There will still be marked deductions in the TA section though, which can heavily lower your final score.

Scholarship / Ptdf Scholarship personal statement Civil Engineering - oil & gas industry [3]

The statement is weak in overall content. The why is not strongly represented in terms of how the completion of the degree will help you advance the interests of the oil and gas industry in Nigeria. Having helped other Nigerian students before, I know that the Nigerian government has several ongoing projects in relation to the oil and gas sector. You have to relate your motivation to study this course with the government projects. That is how you can best represent the relevance of the program you wish to undertake with the projects you can participate in once you return home.

The presentation should clearly contain references to:

1. Reasons - relate this to your current career requirements or desire for promotion that requires additional academic training.
2. Government projects and development plans - Your reasons should seamlessly connect with a representation of the government agenda in the field of oil and gas exploration, production, or other related fields. These will also help explain the relevance of your course choice to the discussion.

When combined, discussing these two points will create the relevance of your study plans to the Nigerian oil and gas industry in relation to national development.

Writing Feedback / The presented graph compares four types of transport in terms of the amount of goods transported [3]

You need to be accurate in your representation of the graph information. There is no reference to "mail" in the graph. Where did you get that? You meant "rail" right? Small mistakes, small deductions due to errors, eventually add up to big score lowering considerations. That's why you have to avoid making even the smallest errors in your presentation. Your information is inaccurate at that point and will result in point deductions for your essay under the TA section.

You also did not spell check before submitting the essay so you have a spelling error in the form of "Kingdome". It is spelled without an e at the end. That will affect your LR score as well. You also need to identify the type of graph so as to increase your TA score.

You also worked the word "merchandise" to death. Try to vary your descriptive words so increase the LR and GRA scores. Other variations of merchandise are "commodities and movables, among other reference terms for goods.

The length of the sentences show a mix of simple and complex sentences. Your presentation has some grammatical and sentence structure issues but it does not hinder the meaning of your presentation. Which means you can still be understood, even when the sentences could use more clarity in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Four modes of transport in terms of the amounts of goods they conveyed in the UK from 1974 to 2002 [3]

While this presentation covers most of the discussion points, the main problem that I see with this presentation is that all of the paragraphs fall under the classification of run-on sentences. That means, you do not show enough variety in your sentence structure to show that you have a good grasp of how to structure proper sentences in English. The lack of simple and complex sentence presentations means you are not considering the way that the reader will understand your presentation. Long sentences make for confusing discussion presentations. In this instance, you are trying to complete all of the information in one sentence. Use up to 5 sentences to properly present the sentences. What do you get in exchange for more sentences per paragraph? You will get increased LR, C&C, and GRA scores. All of which, when added to a proper information summary and trending sentence, will result in a passing score. At this point, your presentation will tend to lower your scoring consideration for all those other points.

Scholarship / "Becoming a Musician by self teaching" - Scholarship Essay [3]

What you wrote highlights more of your being a social media influencer than being an academically exceptional student. The fact that you said "I'm still learning" will not be good for your application. Being self-taught, not so much either as the scholarship is looking for musically inclined and academically exceptional students to sponsor. There is a need to refocus the essay on your music related academic achievements in a way that can best relate to your self-study in music. The focus should be less on your ability to influence people via social media. That is not something that can contribute to the community at the university. However, if you rephrase the presentation to say that you hope to share that self-learned information with your peers, then it might be considered acceptable as an academic and CCA achievement.

If you are self taught, then mentioning some competitions that you won, as a self-taught participant, would definitely be plus points for your application. As of now, the essay doesn't deliver the required information. It's not about being a social media influencer. The academic part is what is lacking in your application. Everything in the presentation is self-taught and self-learned. That is where the problem with your application, no matter how impressive, may come in. Reformatting the presentation may help with that problem.

Scholarship / Personal statement GKS 2020 - Application for a Master in environmental or project management [2]

Not being able to afford to pay your way through masters school is one of the worst reasons you can give in this essay. In fact, is a negative motivational reason for this application. I would remove the reference to that if I were you. Additionally, you should do some research regarding waste water management as it applies to Korean factories and industries. Use that as the GKS connection and why you chose to study in Korea. Explain comparative points between your research and program and the existing technology in Korea that you hope to learn about, improve, and apply to your own country's waste water management programs.

The essay is weak in terms of your connection to Korea and reasons for studying in Korea. However, you have a strong background in research and impressive technical references. Therefore, you should work more on building the "Why Korea?" section of the essay to create the strongest possible motivation for your desire to be trained under Korean waste water management professionals.

Scholarship / Master of Data Science - Supporting Statement for Australia Awards Scholarship [4]

You can better respond to this essay if you can show a series of individualized reasons for your choice of universities. Each university choice should be based on specific courses that will address a specific career goal for yourself. So, 2 universities means 2 different career choices, with 2 different motivations represented. While the professor aspect is a definite draw for your motivation to choose a university, you need a more mentor related reason to mention that teacher. His being a recipient should be one of the early factors you chose the university. What you can actually learn from him is another.

Don't make the response sound like a research paper with information sources. Reviewers prefer to read personalized motivations for career advancement. A sense of doing right by society as opposed to financial gain alone. If you focus on these aspects when writing the revised essay, you should find that your response statement will fall beneath the maximum word count.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Data Science & Analytics (MSc) from Cork Institute of Technology [3]

One thing that reviewers do not really like coming across in any sort of essay is a quotation from someone else. It is believed that the quote chosen is used by the student as a cop out to meet the word requirement (when there is one) or, as an easier way to try to explain something they cannot find the words to do so. Which is why I believe it would be better if you omit the Steve Jobs reference at the start of this essay. Instead hook the reader using information that directly relates to you. You can open with paragraph 4 to indicate how your interest in Data Science began, revising it to include a motivational point in relation to your current employment. Consider using the following information for your revised essay:

Foundational Interest: My major inclination point t... few online courses.
Motivation: I have been working in the IT industry...goals and aspirations. I realized that I will need to devote extra efforts and dedicate myself completely to bridge the gap between my experience in data engineering and data science.

Relevant Background: My zest of pre-determining ...A step towards environment protection.

Your primary reason for enrolling in the course cannot be so general as to refer to your becoming a "champion of analytics". You need to have an actual purpose applicable to your current or future career path to relate to your motivation, purpose, and goals. I have tried to direct your essay in that manner. The rest of the content is up to you to revise. BTW, don't give the reviewer an introduction to his university. Tie in the university course curriculum with your academic objectives instead. That way you can use your previous educational experience as a reference point for classes of interest to you under this masters course. Consider the college courses the supporting evidence as to why you are well prepared academically to complete the course.

Undergraduate / The swimming community- Advice on my Queen's PSE Essay [4]

Since your love for swimming, which started as an extra curricular activity, helped you gain employment as a lifeguard, it would be best to write this essay from a pondering, self-reflection point of view. That will help you avoid making unnecessary references to your age when you started with your swimming lessons, and some less important information such as learning how to keep calm and the like. You should start off the essay in a manner similar to the following.

I've always loved the water. That is why I became a lifeguard. It wasn't easy for me to achieve this position. Being a lifeguard is a mere offshoot of my ability to be able to swim well. Whoever thought that the lessons that I learned when I was developing my swimming skills would help me land a job? Swimming requires a calm demeanor, self-control, determination and perseverance. Qualities I carried me both in and out of the water...

By combining the extra curricular activity and your employment opportunity that stemmed from it, your essay will become interesting to read and be easier for the reviewer to recall.